Scrubs 3x15

Directed by Craig Zisk

Sam Lloyd as Ted Buckland • Robert Maschio as Todd • Aloma Wright as Laverne Roberts • Julie Warner as Allison • Embeth Davidtz as Maddie

Jordan's friends Allison and Maddie come to town to provide moral support for Jordan after her brother's death – however, their constant presence does not provide any relief to Dr. Cox. Meanwhile, Turk tries to impress the new female surgeon, Dr. Miller, but his first encounter serves only to leave him baffled by the opposite sex yet again. Attempting to reinforce the policy on sexual harassment at Sacred Heart, Carla is forced to teach a course where Dr. Kelso is the number-one student.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. It's been two weeks since Ben's death

2. and even though he was Jordan's brother,

3. Dr. Cox was having a much harder time with it than she was.

4. Are you gonna lie around on the couch all day again today?

5. - What am I supposed to do? - What about cleaning yourself?

6. I'd wash up, but I'm afraid to go in our bathroom.

7. Why?

8. Jordan's best friends came for the funeral

9. and unfortunately for Dr. Cox, they still hadn't left.

10. Since Perry won't lift the seat on the loo, I've started to use his sink.

11. Aren't you a bit dolled up for the movies?

12. If she doesn't get "shagged" every two days, she gets the shakes.

13. It's true, look.

14. That could be 'cause you're sober for a change.

15. - Maybe. - Mmm.

16. You silly. Are you still mad

17. because we tried to fix Jordan up with someone yesterday?

18. - Scary. - Oh, God.

19. Dr. Kelso was having a little female trouble of his own.

20. Dr. Kelso, the sexual harassment around here has gotten out of control.

21. Somebody asked Laverne if her boobs were made for walking.

22. - It's rude and makes no sense. - Paris and Nikki were not amused.

23. You named your breasts after the Hilton sisters?

24. Other way around, sugar.

25. Ladies, this hospital's policy on sexual harassment is well established,

26. - plus... - I'll handle this.

27. What Garfunkel here is trying to say

28. is that you should all think about what's really bothering you,

29. and then have a big group un-bunching of your panties.

30. Every time Turk's in a hurry I'm always tempted to jump out and scare him.

31. Well, today's the day.

32. The reason Turk's in such a rush is because he's starting rotation

33. with the hospital's new attending surgeon.

34. So, you guys my new residents?

35. I could tell what the guys were thinking.

36. Oh, there's so much blood.

37. I hope it doesn't get on my dress.

38. Oh!

39. I'm Dr. Miller. A few quick things.

40. Don't talk while I'm talking and never utter the phrase, "It's Miller Time".

41. Now, I'd like to take a minute to listen to any questions any of you might have.

42. Then after this minute, I never wanna hear from any of you ever again. Anyone?

43. I'm allergic to shellfish.

44. Any other allergies? No? Great. You, and uni-brow, go scrub up.

45. My waxer's in the Bahamas.

46. Get a new one.

47. Why don't you show the girls around while I'm in my board meeting?

48. Love to. Newbie, I've got a job for you.

49. No pawning them off on Radar. They want the big-boy tour.

50. I've been sharing a room with razor knees here for two weeks.

51. Do you have a queen bed?

52. It would be if I took my "quose" off it.

53. He's quick. What's he like in the sack?

54. - Quicker. - Oh.

55. - May I be excused? - You move, you die.

56. Be nice to my friends. Bye.

57. OK, here's the tour. This is where the patients enter.

58. Upstairs is where they go to die.

59. In the basement is where we slide their cold, dead bodies into the wall.

60. And that's the gift shop.

61. Where can one get a nice gin and tonic?

62. Down the street, they make an appletini to knock your socks off.

63. Right! Let's go and get drunk before Pilates.

64. Jordan seems to be doing pretty well.

65. You know Jordan, she's a rock.

66. How about you? How are you holding up?

67. I know it's been kinda tough with Ben dying.

68. Are you gonna talk ever?

69. Let me go ahead and tee this up for you there, Annika.

70. We are all going to die someday.

71. For the lucky few of us it'll be nice and fast.

72. But for most of us it will be just as long and painful

73. as a conversation with you.

74. That's a beautiful sentiment.

75. Hotdog, three o'clock.

76. I mean five o'clock. Over there.

77. Todd, let's get off on the right foot.

78. Hey, it might just be because my expectations are low,

79. but you guys did not suck in surgery yesterday.

80. As long as your expectations are low, maybe we should have sex.

81. Perfect.

82. I'm concerned about you.

83. I think you hold us women responsible

84. because your mommy didn't pay attention to you. And if you don't get help,

85. you'll start picking up prostitutes and killing them.

86. - I've always wanted to say that to him. - Well, now you don't have to.

87. She just talked to me like I'm an idiot.

88. Hot chick, twelve o'clock.

89. - Wow. - I know.

90. Nurse Espinosa, it's been brought to my attention

91. that there's been some inappropriate behavior.

92. I know. I brought it to your attention.

93. Anyway it occurred to me that we can't allow this to continue.

94. It occurred to you because I researched case studies

95. detailing the hospital's liability

96. instead of going to single's night at the Korean church by my house.

97. Ted's sad life aside, you are going to run a sexual harassment seminar.

98. - No one's gonna show up for that. - It isn't optional.

99. Anyone gets more than three complaints here in the box and they have to attend.

100. What? He's baiting me.

101. - Seriously, how are you? - Oh, my God.

102. Look, Abby, I didn't write you asking for help, so if you continue,

103. you'll end up eating, breathing and relieving yourself

104. through a tube of some kind, signed, "Dealing with it on his own in Kansas."

105. I wrote Dear Abby once in seventh grade 'cause I didn't have body hair.

106. By the time her response came out it was like a forest down there.

107. Well, you know, nothing ventured...

108. Looking for streamers and a marching band

109. because this will be the ceremonial one-millionth time

110. I've had to shake off something that you've said.

111. Yes, Newbie, I'm having a tough day and I'd love to head home,

112. but Jordan's Satanic brood has taken over my apartment

113. and no man in his right mind would dare enter that place.

114. Hmm. I should probably go to his place.

115. - Agility exercises? - I'm air-fondling Dr. Miller's boobies.

116. Who's with me?

117. - No? - Why don't you lay off her?

118. And don't say "I'd like to lay on Dr. Miller."

119. High-five later for reading my mind.

120. You know, I don't think you're stupid, Todd

121. even though you're washing your hands with your gloves already on.

122. - Dammit. - But keep your mouth shut. OK?

123. It's hard for Dr. Miller being a female surgeon here.

124. All right, all those who are assisting me today step forward.

125. Not so fast, beer bong. You're out.

126. Hello? The door was open...

127. Oh God, I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. I just came to tell you both

128. that I think it would better for Dr. Cox emotionally if you two would leave. OK?

129. - Thank you. - Just a second, darling.

130. We will leave. But before we go, Ali could really use a man's opinion.

131. Does this bra make my boobs look real?

132. - Oh, yes. - Damn. Let's switch.

133. No, no, no, no switchies. I think we should all be happy

134. with the bras God gave us. I really should go.

135. We were going to go to the gym,

136. but I could just as easily throw up instead.

137. Or you could just give us a workout right here.

138. I guess I could hang for a smidge.

139. Good, 'cause we've got something to tell you, right Ali?

140. How dare you tell us to leave our best friend's house because you wanna kiss Perry's ass.

141. You know, ladies, I'm not usually into the rough stuff but...

142. Oooh!

143. You shall not feast on me!

144. - I'm bored with this. - So am I.

145. 34, 35, 36.

146. Todd, you have 37 complaints of sexual harassment.

147. See? It's working.

148. - Well, good luck with the seminar. - Oh, Dr. Kelso?

149. - You have five. - I put those in to prove a point.

150. You'll notice the Kelsos are written with a lower case "k".

151. - No, they're not. - It was worth a shot.

152. There must be some loophole for me. Where's Ted?

153. Great service by Reverend Kim today, huh?

154. So, you ladies doing anything after?

155. I'm not.

156. There's no music in my O.R., Hammer.

157. First of all, Hammer dances like this.

158. Uh-oh... Uh-oh... Uh-oh...

159. Hammer time. Second, I got your back, so cut me a little slack.

160. You have my back?

161. Anybody gives you trouble, and I'll handle the guy.

162. - 'Cause little old me can't? - I didn't mean it that way.

163. You know what's worse than the basic knuckle-dragging, scalpel jocks

164. I usually work with?

165. You. You are the worst kind of sexist.

166. You're one of the sneaky ones who says all the right things,

167. when what you really think is that I'm a little girl who needs protecting.

168. Now, I would appreciate it if you would apologize.

169. Sometimes it seems like men and women speak a different language.

170. OK. You all know why you're here.

171. Player, check it.

172. Great stuff.

173. And when that happens, even the best of intentions can be misunderstood.

174. - What the hell is he doing here? - He told us to leave town.

175. Oh.

176. Oh, God.

177. And misunderstandings, well, they can lead to disaster.

178. Dr. Turk, I asked you to apologize.

179. - I have nothing to apologize for. - Then get out of my O.R.

180. Aww. Are you gonna cry like a little boy?

181. See how I flipped it?

182. Dr. Miller accused me of being sexist. Me.

183. I'm marrying Carla. Who do you think wears the pants?

184. And the shirts and the shoes and sometimes my underwear?

185. - Really? - I said nothing.

186. Mr. Roberts likes to wear my brassieres.

187. If this woman doesn't like me,

188. I won't become the youngest chief of surgery in history and cure paralysis,

189. which will stop my birthday being a national holiday,

190. and everyone knows I hate to work on my birthday.

191. May I ask you something there, Judy?

192. Do you have any idea what it's like to have three angry, underfed women

193. tear you several new ones for a full hour?

194. Yes. I caught the matinee of that show. Definitely not for the whole family.

195. Then don't stick any part of your hairless body into my business.

196. Trust me. There is nothing for you to gain from it.

197. Because even if you went on a cruise to the most remote regions of the ocean

198. and rescued my drowning, salt-soaked body

199. in time to pump the seawater out of my lungs

200. and bring me back from the brink of death,

201. I would still be upset that the first face I saw was yours.

202. You wouldn't see my face because it would be in your chest,

203. giving you the hug you've been afraid to ask for your whole life.

204. You don't want my help, fine, I'll back off,

205. but only because I feel a little bit guilty.

206. About what?

207. Huh?

208. Dr. Cox, you received four complaints

209. about calling male residents by girls' names.

210. Give me that.

211. Judy...

212. You come here, Judy.

213. Well done there, Bobbo.

214. When my patients ask me where I was all afternoon,

215. I'll just tell them I was too busy attending this chat fest with you

216. and Dr. "What's he overcompensating for?" here.

217. Did I say any of you boys could talk? No, I did not.

218. Now this part is especially important so I need everyone's full attention.

219. Come here, you rat bastard.

220. Awesome.

221. Dr. Miller, hi. You look very nice today.

222. Thanks. My patient just died but if I'm looking good I'm psyched.

223. No, you work in a very tough specialty

224. and you maintain your femininity and I find that very sexy.

225. Are you asking me out on a date?

226. Please, we just met. Not that it would make a difference if we hadn't...

227. Dr. Turk is a good friend of mine and he's not a sexist and I know sexists.

228. When my dad's not asking the maid for neck rubs,

229. he tells me to get in a closet if I'm emotional

230. because no one likes hysterical women.

231. - There's a closet there. - It's one of my favorites.

232. I've seen you with your "can do" attitude,

233. and because you're a female doctor you think you're part of the solution.

234. You're not. Everything about you screams,

235. "What does that cutie in radiology think about me?"

236. Dr. Turk may ask you where to get his girlfriend some naughty lingerie.

237. We both know women all crave leather push-up bras with leather tassels

238. that go around and around but still I ask you, is that respect?

239. Don't answer. I don't care.

240. Move, Barbie!

241. Yes, he fell. I'm gonna get away.

242. You know who I haven't seen today?

243. - You looking for that? - Like you read about.

244. Come here, you.

245. Spill.

246. Dr. Cox had nothing to do

247. with me going to see your scary friends.

248. I love how adult our relationship is.

249. Fine. You want some straight shooting?

250. I'm glad you're dealing with Ben's death so well.

251. The fact is I'm struggling. And having those two harpies

252. nesting in our home is not helping.

253. For the life of me, Jordan, I cannot figure out why they're still here.

254. It is beyond me.

255. You OK?

256. Why don't you grow a pair, Sally?

257. That's going in the box. Girls' names are out.

258. - Well? - I hate to quote my mother,

259. but Dr. Miller is so uptight, she could use a pitcher of martinis

260. and an afternoon with a smooth-chested pool boy.

261. - I knew you'd hate her. - I love her.

262. Do you know what I would give to have a female attending like her

263. pushing me not to let the fact that I'm a woman hold me back?

264. - You have no idea how hard it is. - I have no idea?

265. I won't fight about whether in medicine it's harder being black or a woman.

266. - Black. - Woman.

267. Much prop, Dr. Rhodes. Go get 'em!

268. Turk, let me ask you one question. Gun to your head.

269. Who do you think make better doctors? Men or women?

270. No, Todd, the term "melons" is just as bad as "sweater meat".

271. - Then I am thoroughly confused. - This is a total waste of time.

272. And do you know why it's a total waste of time?

273. Take Bobbo here. He's just a product of a different era.

274. - Foxy, Enid. - Oh!

275. Hot mama.

276. Those were the days.

277. And this one, I can't even imagine what that upbringing must have been like.

278. Boy, I'd like to take a swig out of her jugs.

279. Hey! I'm talking to you, numb-nuts.

280. Dad, I'm listening to Annie.

281. It is a hard knock life.

282. My point is that in this tight-assed PC culture

283. it is damn hard to know what's kosher.

284. Then try stepping into our shoes.

285. Even the strongest women walk around with this thick coat of armor

286. because God forbid we should show the slightest sign of weakness.

287. Just squeeze those oversized feet into the shoes of someone

288. you really care about and in a heartbeat you'll know the right thing to do.

289. At that moment, Dr. Cox knew why Jordan's friends were still around.

290. Would you turn off the lights? The baby doesn't know I'm here.

291. Doesn't matter. He likes the nanny better than me anyway.

292. Me, too.

293. Are your friends still in town because I've been wallowing in self-pity

294. and you need somebody to take care of you?

295. I miss Ben.

296. Me, too.

297. God, me too.

298. You want me to help you move that table?

299. Not that you can't move it.

300. What do you want, Dr. Turk?

301. I was just thinking about what you were saying

302. when I said that thing and...

303. Just say it.

304. I'm sorry.

305. Scrub up.

306. - So, we're cool? - Ish.

307. But you're a decent surgeon and I'm not one to be petty.

308. - So why don't we put on a little music? - Yes. Why don't we?

309. Mmm.

310. There will always be a battle for power between the sexes.

311. Hmm. Hmm.

312. Sometimes a man just has to give in.

313. - Gotta grab those. - No.

314. Remember, we look, but we don't touch.

315. OK.

316. Other times it's enough just to take a positive step.

317. And once in a while, even if it seems cliché,

318. a man just has to be there for her.

319. You know, honey, I'm here now if you want your friends to leave.

320. We're getting chemical peels tomorrow.

321. Oh, OK.

322. Ugh.