Scrubs 3x15

Directed by Craig Zisk

Sam Lloyd as Ted Buckland • Robert Maschio as Todd • Aloma Wright as Laverne Roberts • Julie Warner as Allison • Embeth Davidtz as Maddie

Jordan's friends Allison and Maddie come to town to provide moral support for Jordan after her brother's death – however, their constant presence does not provide any relief to Dr. Cox. Meanwhile, Turk tries to impress the new female surgeon, Dr. Miller, but his first encounter serves only to leave him baffled by the opposite sex yet again. Attempting to reinforce the policy on sexual harassment at Sacred Heart, Carla is forced to teach a course where Dr. Kelso is the number-one student.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. It's been two weeks since Ben's death, and even though he was Jordan's brother,

2. Dr. Cox was having a much harder time with it than she was.

3. Sweetie, are you gonna lie around on the couch all day again today?

4. What am I supposed to do?

5. You know what might be fun? Cleaning yourself.

6. I'd wash up, but I'm afraid to go in our bathroom.

7. Why?

8. Jordan's best friends came to town for the funeral,

9. and unfortunately for Dr. Cox, they still haven't left.

10. Since Perry won't stop using the loo without lifting the seat,

11. I've started to use his sink.

12. Aren't you a little dolled up for the movies?

13. If little miss co-dependent here doesn't get "shagged" every two days,

14. she gets the shakes.

15. It's true. Look.

16. 'Course, that could be 'cause you're sober for a change.

17. Maybe!

18. Mmm!

19. You silly. Are you still mad because we tried to fix Jordan up with someone yesterday?

20. Scary!

21. Oh, God.

22. Dr. Kelso was having a little female trouble of his own.

23. Dr. Kelso, the sexual harassment around here has gotten out of control.

24. Yesterday somebody asked Laverne if her boobs were made for walking!

25. It's rude! And it makes no sense.

26. Paris and Nikki were not amused.

27. You named your breasts after the Hilton sisters?

28. Other way around, sugar!

29. Ladies, this hospital's policy on sexual harassment is well-established. Plus—

30. I'll handle this. I think what Garfunkle here is trying to say is

31. that you should all take a second,

32. think seriously about what's really bothering you,

33. and then have a big group unbunching of your panties.

34. Every time Turk's in a hurry, I'm always tempted to jump out and scare him.

35. Well, today's the day!

36. Booga! Booga! Booga! Booga!

37. Wooo! Ack!

38. The... reason Turk's in such a rush is because

39. he's starting a rotation with the hospital's new attending surgeon.

40. So... You guys my new residents?

41. I could tell what the guys were thinking.

42. Oh! There's so much blood! I hope it doesn't get on my dress!

43. I'm Dr. Miller. A few quick things: Don't talk while I'm talking,

44. never utter the phrase "It's Miller time",

45. and I don't like the smell of cologne in my operating room.

46. Now, I'd like to take a minute to listen to any questions

47. or comments that any of you might have,

48. and then after this minute I never want to hear from any of you

49. ever, ever, ever again. Anyone?

50. Uh... I'm allergic to shellfish...?

51. Any other allergies? No? Great!

52. You, and unibrow, go scrub up.

53. What?

54. My waxer's in the Bahamas.

55. Get a new one!

56. Okay, why don't you show the girls around while I'm in my board meeting.

57. Love to. Newbie? I've got a job for you.

58. No, no. No pawning them off on Radar.

59. They want the big-boy tour.

60. Hey, I've been sharing a guest room with razor-knees,

61. here, for the last two weeks.

62. Do you have a queen bed?

63. Well, it would be "queen" if I took my "cwothes" off it.

64. Ooh, he's quick. What's he like in the sack?

65. Quicker.

66. Oh.

67. May I be excused?

68. You move, you die!

69. Be nice to my friends. Bye.

70. Bye.

71. Bye.

72. Okay! Here's the tour:

73. This is where the patients enter, upstairs is where they go to die,

74. and down in the basement is where we slide their cold,

75. , dead bodies into the wall. Oh, and that's the gift shop.

76. Where can one get a nice gin and tonic?

77. You know, down the street on the right,

78. they'll make an appletini that'll knock your socks off.

79. Right! Let's go and get drunk before pilates!

80. So, uh, Jordan seems to be doing pretty well.

81. You know Jordan, she is a rock.

82. How 'bout you? How you holding up?

83. I... I know it's been kind of tough with Ben dying.

84. Are you gonna talk ever?

85. Let me go ahead and tee this up for you, there, Annika:

86. We are all going to die someday.

87. For the lucky few of us it'll be nice and fast.

88. But for most of us it'll be just as long and slow and painful as a conversation with you.

89. That's a beautiful sentiment.

90. Hot Doc, 3 o'clock!

91. I mean 5 o'clock!

92. Over there!

93. Todd. Todd, let's get off on the right foot.

94. Hey! It might just be 'cause my expectations are low,

95. but you guys did not suck in surgery yesterday.

96. Well, as long as your expectations are low,

97. maybe we should have sex!

98. Perfect.

99. I'm concerned about you.

100. I think you hold us women responsible for the fact that

101. your mommy didn't pay attention to you,

102. and if you don't get help,

103. you'll eventually start picking up prostitutes and killing them.

104. I've always wanted to say that to him!

105. Welp, now you don't have to! Ha-ha-ha!

106. She just talked to me like I'm an idiot.

107. Hot chick, 12 o'clock.

108. Wow.

109. I know.

110. Nurse Espinosa, it's been brought to my attention

111. that there's been some inappropriate behavior lately.

112. I know. I brought it to your attention.

113. Anyway, it occurred to me that we can't allow this to continue.

114. It occurred to you because I researched case studies

115. detailing the hospital's liability instead of going to single's night at the Korean church by my house!

116. Ted's sad life aside, I have decided that you are going to run a sexual harassment seminar.

117. No one's gonna show up for that!

118. It isn't optional. Anyone gets more than three complaints here in the box

119. then they have to attend.

120. Teddy, we missed you last night.

121. Shut up.

122. What? He's baitin' me.

123. Seriously, how are you?

124. Oh, my God. Look, Abby, I didn't write to you asking for help.

125. So, if you continue on down this road, you're going to end up eating,

126. breathing, and relieving yourself through a tube of some kind.

127. Signed, Dealing With It On His Own in Kansas.

128. I wrote Dear Abby once in seventh grade 'cause I didn't have body hair like the other guys?

129. By the time her response came out in Parade magazine,

130. it was like a forest down there. Well, you know, "nothing ventured..."

131. Looking for streamers and a—and a marching band,

132. because this will be the ceremonial one-millionth time

133. I've had to shake off something that you've said.

134. Ahh. Yes, Newbie, I'm having a tough day.

135. And of course I'd love to head home,

136. but Jordan's satanic brood has taken over my apartment

137. and no man in his right mind would dare enter that place.

138. Hmmm... I should probably go to his place...

139. Agility exercises?

140. No. I'm air-fondling Dr. Miller's boobies. Who's with me?

141. No? Eh.

142. Why don't you lay off Dr. Miller? And don't say "I'd like to lay on Dr. Miller."

143. High-five later for reading my mind!

144. You know, I don't think you're stupid, Todd...

145. Even though you're washing your hands with your gloves already on.

146. Dammit!

147. But keep your mouth shut, okay?

148. It's hard for Dr. Miller being a female surgeon around here.

149. All right. All those who are assisting me today, step forward.

150. Uh-uh, not so fast, beer-bong. You're out.

151. Hello? The door was open—

152. Oh, God! I'm sorry! I'm very sorry!

153. I just came to—to tell you both that I-I think it would be better

154. for Dr. Cox emotionally if-

155. if you two would—would leave. Okay? Thank you.

156. Just a second, darling.

157. Uhhh, um.

158. Of course, we will leave, but before we go,

159. Allie could really use a man's opinion.

160. Does this bra make my boobs look real?

161. Ohh, yes.

162. Damn. Let's switch.

163. No, no, no, no, no, no! No, no, no switchies.

164. I think we should all be happy with the bras God gave us! I really should go.

165. Oh, it's all right. We were going to go to the gym,

166. but I could just as easily throw up instead.

167. Or you could just give us a work-out right here.

168. Uhh...

169. I guess I could hang for a smidge.

170. Good. 'Cause we've got something to tell you. Right, Allie?

171. How dare you tell us to leave our best friend's house

172. because you want to kiss Perry's ass.

173. You know... ladies... I'm not usually into the rough stuff, but... Oooooh.

174. You shall not feast on me!

175. I'm bored with this.

176. So am I.

177. Thirty four, thirty five, thirty six... Todd,

178. you have thirty seven complaints of sexual harassment!

179. See! It's working! Well, good luck with the seminar.

180. Oh! Dr. Kelso, you have five.

181. Oh, I know! I put those in myself to prove a point.

182. If you'll notice, all the "Kelso's are written with a lower-case "K".

183. No, they're not.

184. Well, it was worth a shot.

185. There must be some loophole for me... Where's Ted?

186. Great service by Reverend Kim today, huh!

187. So, you ladies doing anything after?

188. 'Cause I'm not.

189. There's no music in my O.R., Hammer.

190. First of all, Hammer dance like this:

191. Uh-oh! Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh! Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Hammertime!

192. Second, I got your back, so why don't you cut me a little slack?

193. You have my back?

194. Anybody gives you any trouble, and I'll handle the guy.

195. 'Cause, uh, little ol' me can't.

196. Well, I didn't mean it that way.

197. You know what's worse than the basic knuckle-dragging scalpel jocks I usually work with?

198. You. You are the worst kind of sexist.

199. You're one of the sneaky ones who prides himself on saying all the right things when,

200. deep down, what you really think is that I'm just a little girl who needs protecting.

201. Now I would appreciate it if you would apologize.

202. Sometimes it seems like men and women speak a completely different language.

203. Okay. I think you all know why you're here.

204. Player! Check it!

205. Great stuff.

206. And when that happens, even the best of intentions can be misunderstood.

207. What the hell is he doing here?

208. Perry's little whipping boy told us to leave town.

209. Huh.

210. Oh, God.

211. And misunderstandings, well, they can lead to disaster.

212. Dr. Turk? I asked you to apologize.

213. I have nothing to apologize for.

214. Then get out of my O.R.

215. Awww... Are you gonna cry like a little boy?

216. See how I flipped it?

217. Dr. Miller accused me of being sexist. Me! I'm marrying Carla

218. who do you think wears the pants?

219. And the shirts... and the shoes... and sometimes my underwear.

220. Really?

221. I said nothing.

222. Mr. Roberts likes to wear my brassieres.

223. Hm?

224. Elliot, this woman doesn't like me.

225. It could keep me from becoming the youngest chief of surgery in history,

226. which could keep me from curing paralysis,

227. which could keep me from having my birthday be a national holiday!

228. And everyone knows I hate to work on my birthday!

229. May I ask you something, there, Judy?

230. Do you have any idea what it's like to have three angry,

231. under-fed women tear you several new ones for a full hour?

232. Actually, yes. I caught the matinee of that show;

233. definitely not for the whole family.

234. Then for the last time, don't stick any part of your hairless body into my business.

235. Trust me, there is nothing for you to gain from it.

236. Because even if you went on a cruise to the most remote

237. regions of the ocean and rescued my drowning,

238. salt-soaked body in time to pump the sea water out of my lungs

239. and bring me back from the brink of death,

240. I would STILL be upset that the first face I saw was yours!

241. Well, you wouldn't see my face because it would be buried in your chest,

242. giving you the hug you've been afraid to ask for your whole life!

243. Huh!

244. Now, if you don't want my help, then fine, I'll back off... But only because I feel a little bit guilty.

245. About what?

246. Uh?

247. Dr. Cox, you received four complaints about calling male residents by girl's names.

248. Oh-ho. JUDY!

249. Oh, you come here, Judy!

250. Well done, there, Bobbo.

251. When my patients ask me where I was all afternoon,

252. I'll just tell them I was too busy attending this ridiculous chat-fest

253. with you and Dr. What's-He-Over-Compensating-For? here.

254. Did I say any of you boys could talk? No, I did not.

255. Now, this part is especially important, so I need everyone's full attention.

256. You come here, you rat-bastard!

257. Awesome!

258. Dr. Miller, hi!

259. You, uh, look very nice today.

260. Thanks! My patient just died, but if I'm looking good, I'm psyched!

261. No, no. It's just that you work in a very tough specialty,

262. and you manage to maintain your femininity and I find that very... um... sexy.

263. Are you asking me out on a date?

264. Please! We just met! Not that it would make a difference if we hadn't... um...

265. Look, Dr. Turk is a really good friend of mine—

266. Uggh.

267. and he is not a sexist. And I know sexist.

268. I mean, when my dad's not asking the maid for a neck-rub,

269. he's telling me if I'm going to get emotional,

270. I should do it in a closet because no one likes to see a hysterical woman.

271. There's a closet right there!

272. I know, it's one of my favorites...

273. Dr. Reid! I've seen you strutting around this place with your can-do attitude,

274. and I know that you think because you're a female doctor, you're part of the solution.

275. But you're not. Everything about you screams,

276. "What does the cutie in Radiology think about me?"

277. And yes, your friend Dr. Turk, he may ask you relationship advice

278. or where to get his unfortunate girlfriend some naughty lingerie

279. because we both know that when it comes to gifts,

280. women all crave a nice leather push-up bra with tassels that go

281. around and around and around like this — but still, I ask you, is that respect?

282. Uh, don't answer. I don't care!

283. Aaaaaaaaagggggggghhhhhhh!

284. Move, Barbie! Move! Barbie!

285. Yes! He fell! I'm gonna get away!

286. You know who I haven't seen today?

287. Ook! Waaagh!

288. You lookin' for that?

289. Like you read about.

290. Come here, you.

291. Ack!

292. Come on!

293. Well, uh...

294. Spill.

295. Dr. Cox had nothing to do with me going to see your scary friends.

296. I did it all on my own.

297. I love how adult our relationship is!

298. Fine. You want some straight shootin'?

299. I'm glad that you're dealing with Ben's death so well.

300. The fact is I'm strugglin'.

301. And having those two harpies nesting in our home is not helping.

302. For the life of me, Jordan, I cannot figure out why they're still here.

303. It is beyond me!

304. You okay?

305. Why don't you grow a pair, Sally!

306. Oh, oka—that's going in the box.

307. Girl's names are out. That's why we have a box.

308. Well?

309. I hate to quote my mother,

310. but Dr. Miller is so uptight she could use a pitcher of martinis

311. and an afternoon on top of a smooth-chested pool-boy.

312. I knew you'd hate her.

313. I love her! Turk, do you know what I would give to have

314. a female attending like her pushing me not to let the fact that I'm a woman hold me back?

315. I mean... you have no idea how hard it is.

316. I have no idea?

317. Look, I'm not gonna fight about whether in medicine it's harder being black or a woman.

318. Black!

319. Woman!

320. Much prop, Dr. Rhodes.

321. Mm.

322. Go get 'em.

323. Turk, let me ask you one question.

324. Gun to your head, who do you think make better doctors, men or women?

325. Nooooooo, Todd. The term "melons" is just as bad as "sweater meat."

326. Well then I am thoroughly confused!

327. This is a total waste of time!

328. And do you know why it's a total waste of time?

329. Well, now, take Bobbo, here. He's just a product of a different era!

330. Foxy, Enid!

331. Oh!

332. Hot mama.

333. Those were the days.

334. And... this one.

335. God save me, I can't even imagine what that upbringing must have been like.

336. Boy, I'd like to take a swig out of her jugs.

337. Hey, I'm talking, numb-nuts!

338. Dad! I'm listening to 'Annie'!

339. It is a hard-knock life.

340. My point is that in this tight-ass PC culture,

341. it is damn hard to know what's kosher!

342. Well, then you should try stepping into our shoes!

343. Even the strongest women walk around with this thick coat of armor all day long,

344. because God forbid we should show the slightest sign of weakness.

345. So just squeeze those smelly,

346. oversized feet into the shoes of someone you really care about;

347. and trust me, in a heartbeat you will know the right thing to do.

348. At that moment, Dr. Cox knew why Jordan's friends were still around.

349. Oh, would you turn off the lights? The baby doesn't know I'm here.

350. Doesn't matter. Likes the nanny better than me anyway.

351. Me too.

352. Hey, are your friends still in town because I've been wallowing

353. in self pity and you need somebody to take care... of you?

354. I miss Ben.

355. Me too. God, me too.

356. You want me to help you move that table?

357. Not that you can't move it!

358. What do you want, Dr. Turk?

359. I was just thinking about... you know,

360. what you were saying when I said that thing, and—

361. Just say it.

362. I'm sorry.

363. Scrub up.

364. So we're cool?

365. - Ish. But you're a decent surgeon, and uh, I'm not one to be petty.

366. So why don't we put on a little music?

367. Yes. Why don't we.

368. There will always be a battle for power between the sexes.

369. Sometimes a man just has to give in.

370. Gotta grab those.

371. Ugh!

372. Remember, we look... but we don't touch.

373. Okay.

374. Other times it's enough just to take a positive step.

375. And once in a while, even it seems cliche', a man just has to be there for her.

376. You know, honey, I'm—I'm here now, if you— if you want your friends to leave.

377. We're getting chemical peels tomorrow.

378. Oh. Okay.

379. Oh... guh.