Scrubs 3x13

Directed by Adam Bernstein

Sam Lloyd as Ted Buckland • Robert Maschio as Todd • Aloma Wright as Laverne Roberts • Michael J. Fox as Kevin Casey • Juan Carlos Cantu as Hector

Elliot finds herself perplexed over a simple procedure that leaves her questioning her career path. She goes to seek Dr. Kevin Casey's advice but becomes frustrated when she learns that the epiphany toilet, which the Janitor secretly installed on the roof, is getting more attention than she is. Meanwhile, Turk asks J.D. to be his best man at his wedding, which sends J.D. into sheer bliss momentarily until he hears a phone message that makes him question his friendship with Turk.

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1. I'm running late this morning.

2. I've been working with Dr Casey the last few weeks.

3. He has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

4. and he likes to start each day the same way...

5. by touching everything in his first patient's room.

6. - Good morning, doctors. - He touches everything.

7. I suppose that's how they say good morning in cuckoo-town.

8. Pretty much.

9. Patients on this wing have been complaining about noises.

10. - If it's "bink", I can explain. - It isn’t "bink".

11. Was it I come from the land down under

12. Where women glow and men plunder

13. - That wasn't me. - Just figure it out, dammit.

14. - Do you plunder? - I have been known to.

15. What’s the noise he’s talking about?

16. - That is a roof toilet. - You said that like it's normal.

17. Careful of this guy, he’s a...

18. You're the guy who's been using up all my soap.

19. - Yeah, I’ve got OCD. - Really? My grandpa had that.

20. Every morning he’d take a sock, fill it up with nickels, and beat us.

21. - That’s OCD, right? - The bad kind.

22. Who would use this thing?

23. You kidding? Just picture yourself. You’re standing out here,

24. out in the open air, then you sit down and you take stock of your life.

25. I've had some major epiphanies on this old girl.

26. You can't do any soul-searching down there on those germ-infested crappers.

27. Damn him, he’s right.

28. I don't want you telling anybody about my epiphany toilet.

29. Who am I gonna tell?

30. Don’t even think about it.

31. And get this, he calls it his "epiphany" toilet.

32. - You couldn't pay me to poop there. - No one's offering.

33. You're like Dr Casey. He said using that toilet would be like his Everest.

34. Using that toilet would be my Everest.

35. Yup, that's what he said.

36. - Ask him. - No.

37. JD, Turk wants to ask you something

38. and it would mean a lot to the both of us if you said yes.

39. Oh, my God, would I have a threesome with Turk and Carla?

40. It's flattering and I don't think they'd tell anyone...

41. Will you be my best man?

42. - I mean, yeah! Of course. - Hell, yeah, you will.

43. So, is this like, the best moment you guys have ever had?

44. A decoder ring.

45. - Turk? - What?

46. - It finally happened! - A double prizer?

47. - That was awesome. - You guys realise you're doctors?

48. Double secret decoder-ring wearing doctors.

49. - Activate. - Form of an ice menorah.

50. The reason I'm gurney-surfing, aside from the fact that it's bitching,

51. is that Kelso shut down this whole wing.

52. - I gotta go. - Oh, no.

53. You see, a census said that hospital admissions dropped in February.

54. The census was wrong.

55. Dr Kelso, where are we gonna fit these sick people?

56. It's not my job to take care of sick people.

57. Bob Kelso, healer.

58. Closing that wing saves us about $60,000 a month. You got that on you?

59. It's weird how much Dr Casey has influenced me in a short time.

60. - Bink. - Hey, "bink" you.

61. It wasn't just me. Dr Casey's affected everyone.

62. - What's he doing? - Writing Dr Casey a "thank you" card.

63. I could use a little help here.

64. Todd, "surgeon" is spelled G-E-O-N.

65. And there are two Ds in Todd.

66. Does... mean stare at me like jackasses or does it mean "Get over here"?

67. Mr Tenaka here is fatiguing and he needs to be intubated. Any questions?

68. Turk's asked me to be his best man. Any advice?

69. No, not at this moment.

70. Everyone talks about how Dr Casey's helped them and he doesn't know I exist.

71. - So, introduce yourself. - I haven't seen him all day.

72. He's probably figuring out some procedure that’s gonna save humanity.

73. Why can't I sit on you?

74. Why?

75. Probably.

76. Newbie, it turns out I do have some best man advice.

77. Go easy on the mascara in case you cry during your toast

78. and if you chase after the bouquet, make sure you kick off your pumps

79. so you don't snap one of those chicken ankles of yours.

80. Thanks. Thanks for coming back.

81. Barbie, are you sure you went into his lungs?

82. It looks like you're blowing up his stomach.

83. Dammit, his O2 sat’s dropping. Get out of the way, honey.

84. Even if you've done a procedure 5,000 times,

85. there's no guarantee you won't screw up number 5,001.

86. A few more seconds, we would have been coding this guy. Take that.

87. Barbie, as hard as it is to remember, but air goes in the lungs.

88. Can I practise my toast on you? I’m opening with a quote from Spartacus.

89. Actually, it goes a little lower.

90. I don't know why Carla wants me to wear a cumberbund, let alone a red one.

91. As your best man, trust me, it's not about the style, it's about the fit.

92. When you're on the dance floor, you don't want restrictions.

93. - Let's test these one more time. - You ready?

94. Five, six, seven, eight.

95. And one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

96. - Drop it like it’s hot. - It is hot!

97. - Put one hand on the floor. - I can’t reach.

98. - You better feel the burn. - I can feel it burning.

99. Where I grew up, they didn't allow two men to marry.

100. - Well, we grew up... - I grew up in the hood.

101. There you gotta do things...

102. I’m gonna change.

103. I'm the best man. Do you have any advice for me to give my friend?

104. Just remind him that the wedding is all about what the woman wants.

105. Yeah, I’ll do that. As the best man, don’t you think my tux

106. should stand out from the other groomsmen?

107. What did you have in mind?

108. The ring, please?

109. - You got the ring? - It's gotta be one of these.

110. I’ve got ideas.

111. He's crashing. He needs to be intubated.

112. Dr Cox!

113. I've got a billion patients and no rooms.

114. Newbie's pestering me for advice on how to be best woman

115. at turtle head's wedding and I got a resident who can't do a simple procedure

116. even though she learned it the first week she was here.

117. I'm sorry, Dr Cox. I don't know what to do.

118. I'll tell you what to do. Get the hell out of here.

119. Carla, if one more annoying thing comes my way,

120. extract that extra air out of Barbie's head and inject it right into my veins.

121. Hey, Ace, I want you to find my gardener, Hector, a room.

122. He has a case of cellulitis and I need him in tip-top shape by the weekend.

123. I'm having my lawn-bowling tournament

124. and if anyone but Hector cuts my grass my game goes to heck.

125. You know we don't have an extra bed in this dump.

126. What has two thumbs and still doesn't give a crap?

127. Bob Kelso. I though we'd met.

128. Hector.

129. This is amazing. I'm your best friend. Now, I'm your best man.

130. - What will I be best at next? - How about not talking?

131. One-one-thousand, two-one-thousand. And now I'm best at that.

132. - Me or him? - You.

133. - What now? - You tell anybody about my toilet?

134. No. Why?

135. Where are you coming from?

136. No.

137. I find out you told anybody, I'll beat you with Poppy's nickel sock.

138. Why would I tell anyone? And no one has epiphanies on the john.

139. Of course, it's so simple.

140. Carla, good. Would you tell Hector that he can stay just as long as he likes?

141. Aye, aye, captain.

142. When two people collide, a lot of things can happen.

143. What the hell is going on in here?

144. Hey, Bob, great news. We found Hector a room.

145. For some, it can be disaster. For others, it's salvation.

146. I need help.

147. Excuse me?

148. Could you not point that at me?

149. Sure.

150. Hi, I'm Kevin.

151. I know!

152. I know.

153. The weirdest thing is when two people collide without being in the same room.

154. Turk, it's your brother. My business trip got cancelled

155. so I can be your best man after all. I'm looking forward to it. Call me.

156. I was hurt when I found out I was Turk's second choice for best man,

157. but I'm not gonna be petty.

158. When the tux guy called to confirm Turk's measurements. I gave them to him.

159. Dude, I look like I'm going to Farrakhan day camp.

160. Paint your legs black, you'll be fine.

161. Look at this lame-ass bow tie and cumberbund.

162. I'm really thinking about talking to Carla about this. What do you think?

163. Just remind him that the wedding is all about what the woman wants.

164. You should totally say something.

165. Unless you want to set a precedent where she walks all over you

166. for the rest of your life, but it’s your call. You might love that.

167. I wanted those red cumberbunds because that's the theme!

168. - Red is a theme? - Love is the theme!

169. We're in love, you idiot.

170. Why make a big deal about something we both know you don't even care about?

171. I don't know.

172. I better get to work before all the good patients are taken.

173. So tell me, is it harder being a surgeon or a doctor?

174. A surgeon, cos when you tell people that a loved one died,

175. you have to pull your surgical mask down and you shake your head.

176. If you do it too fast, it says,

177. "I knew he was gonna die." And if you take too long of a pause with it,

178. it gives them false hope. So you have to do it perfectly.

179. Damn.

180. If one of my loved ones ever dies, I hope it's because of you.

181. Hey, me too.

182. - Are we flirting? - Little bit.

183. Awesome.

184. - Have you seen the roof toilet? - No, but I'm a nervous pooer.

185. Now we're definitely not flirting.

186. I'm more comfortable with the setup I have at home. Like extra locks.

187. I've only gone outside my house twice. Once on an airplane

188. - and once at the White House. - How are the bathrooms there?

189. No idea, but the fountains are nice. And security? Quick as bunnies.

190. I know you've helped out a lot of people and I've got this intubating problem...

191. - I’ll be right back. - Where are you going?

192. To climb a mountain.

193. This is completely unacceptable!

194. - You said find him a room. - Not my office, dammit!

195. He’s your gardener!

196. I could have both of you suspended.

197. You closed an entire wing.

198. Did you hear what I said about being suspended?

199. You made your own bed, now your gardener’s gotta sleep in it.

200. Fine. Get out of here. I’ll get some paperwork done.

201. Tell me you're not waiting to use my roof toilet.

202. I would use Dr Kelso's, but I don't wanna wake up Hector.

203. OK, attention, roof poopers.

204. Setting aside the fact that I’ll make sure you all live to regret this day,

205. let’s keep the magic rolling.

206. Let’s not tell anyone else there’s a toilet on the roof.

207. - There is not a toilet on the roof. - You just said there was.

208. No. Yes, I did, but I was using a metaphor.

209. That means "God is watching us."

210. You’ve heard this, “There's a toilet on the roof.”

211. - Right, people? - That’s right. Ain’t nothing up there.

212. Cool.

213. It's time to stop feeling sorry for yourself. You're still best man.

214. It's not like Turk's gonna take that away from you.

215. JD, can I talk to you? Have you seen Carla around?

216. False alarm.

217. Cos I need to talk to you in private, sort of man-to-man.

218. I can't right now, Turk, I am completely swamped.

219. - Drawing lightning-bolts on your Nikes? - To get to my patients faster.

220. - How about later? - Later’s no good.

221. I gotta finish telling my whole family that you picked me as your best man.

222. - This is hard. - Sorry it took me so long.

223. I had to go home. Damn roof toilet. It's got my number.

224. - Can't lick it? - God, no. I can't even sit on it.

225. Look, that problem I was talking about before.

226. I can't intubate patients anymore. I used to do that better than anyone.

227. Now, the only thing that sets me apart is that my beeper plays,

228. That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it

229. - I don't know what to do. - It's just a piece of porcelain.

230. There’s no reason we both shouldn’t be able to sit on it.

231. Yeah, about my career-ending problem...

232. - We must conquer the roof toilet. - Enough about the roof toilet!

233. I've heard about how amazing you are. I'm not leaving until you help me out.

234. Dammit. I have to go.

235. Elliot. I'll help you.

236. Thanks.

237. "If Sacred Heart Elementary for Girls does not change its name post-haste..."

238. I thought that was a nice touch.

239. "“... legal action will be taken post-haste."

240. - Wait, that's wrong. - Shocker.

241. I can't think straight with this whispering.

242. It’s like a Spanish golf tournament in here.

243. I’m sorry, Dr Kelso, but I'm trying to get their lunch orders.

244. That reminds me. Hector, Enid made you a prosciutto and mozzarella sandwich,

245. but I... There was a misunderstanding, and now it's gone.

246. I forget. Is que se joda kill him or screw him?

247. Screw him.

248. That’s it! I just have to go and talk to him.

249. - Kevin Casey. - Dr Casey, have you seen Turk?

250. Oh, yeah. Nice guy. Good surgeon. Great dancer.

251. You should see us getting down when we try pants on together.

252. - I have to go. - Cool. I’ll see you tomorrow?

253. Actually, no. I have to go back to my hospital.

254. - Why do you have to do that? - Look at it this way.

255. I may be leaving here, but I will always be there.

256. - I know. - I am so messing with you.

257. OK, it was amazing to work with you.

258. Thank you.

259. - And that’s three seconds. - OK. Sorry.

260. Watching him go, I wondered how gay I looked giving that two-handed handshake.

261. And how weird it was that someone could walk into your life,

262. have such a big impact and then vanish just like that, never to be seen again.

263. But mostly, I thought about how, in some way,

264. Kevin had helped every person he met here.

265. Kevin? Has anybody seen Kevin?

266. Where the hell is Turk?

267. What's wrong?

268. Kevin left. Didn't even say goodbye.

269. He didn't say goodbye to a lot of people. Just me, Dr Cox, Carla,

270. Doug, Snoop Dogg intern.

271. - Where are my hos at? - I haven’t seen them.

272. I don't want to sound pathetic, but he didn’t even help me.

273. He didn't help a lot of people. It was just me and Turk and Carla

274. and Dr Cox and Doug and Dr Mickhead.

275. - Mickhead? No, Mickhead's in rehab. - Was in rehab, Elliot, was.

276. He’ll never huff paint again.

277. But look, if you need help I'm always here for you.

278. All right.

279. With intubating, I can’t seem to intubate patients anymore.

280. There’s Turk, I gotta go.

281. - Elliot? - Aunt Lillian?

282. Aunt Lillian?

283. What is it, Barbie?

284. - I need help. - I know you do, sweetie,

285. but I'm out of hair scrunchies. Scram, we're waiting for somebody.

286. Go on.

287. Hector's wife just set my drapes on fire with her damn prayer candle.

288. - He's here. - I want them both out of my office.

289. There's a ton of empty beds right here. All you have to do is flick the switch.

290. You know how to do that, don't you, Bob? You just bend over and flick.

291. I thought so.

292. Who took this?

293. With Mulberry, I really believe New York has a shot at the title, man.

294. Yeah, me too.

295. - What sport are we talking about? - I wanna say tennis.

296. Turk, I heard the message that your brother left on the machine.

297. I want you to know if there's anything I can do to make your wedding go smoother,

298. just tell me. Even if it’s stepping down from being best man.

299. The only reason I asked my brother was because I knew he couldn't come.

300. Now I'm screwed because his plans have changed and he's all excited.

301. But, dude, it has to be you, you know that.

302. It's uncomfortable when two guys want to say something to each other.

303. - You've been my best friend... - You're my friend...

304. - Man, I love you. - I’ve known you since college.

305. - Cool. - Solid.

306. If it makes it easier, I guess we could be co-best man.

307. You have no idea how much stress that would relieve.

308. Even though, God says it’s supposed to be one.

309. You think there's more to Dr Kelso than we know?

310. Sure. Is he, in fact, a latex-encased robot with real human hair

311. and a circuit board where his heart should be? I can't rule that out.

312. You know, Hector told me he's worked for Dr Kelso for 20 years.

313. That's half his life. I mean, I know he looks 50,

314. but that's what being in the sun all day does to your skin.

315. Point is, it doesn't seem like he hates Dr Kelso.

316. Bob-O, is it possible that you're occasionally a decent human being

317. in your life outside of this place?

318. Well, champ, seeing as you don't exist in my life outside this place,

319. I doubt it's any of your damn business.

320. OK, so far no epiphanies.

321. Except that outdoor toilet seats are like frickin’ icicles.

322. At least no one saw me go.

323. Go! Roll to her!

324. We don't have a helicopter pad.

325. We're out of time. He needs to be intubated, now!

326. - Just let me get someone. - Now! You! Let’s go! Do it!

327. Come on!

328. I'm in.

329. You see, this is why I wanted you to use the bathroom up here.

330. If there's something you know you can do, whether it's intubating a patient

331. or copping a squat on the roof, and your mind keeps throwing up roadblocks,

332. just know you can drive right through ‘em.

333. And if that doesn’t help, maybe this will.

334. I can't believe it's gone.

335. It's human nature to search for answers.

336. Dude, why is your tux gonna cost $4,000?

337. No reason.

338. Sometimes the answer you get is the one you least expect.

339. All right, pipe down!

340. - Now, who's up for Dairy Queen? - Dairy Queen!

341. But more often than not,

342. the answers we've been looking for have been inside us all along.

343. Well done, there, Barbie. You're now exactly where you were three years ago.

344. I guess the important thing is to never stop searching.

345. Occupied.