Scrubs 3x13

Directed by Adam Bernstein

Sam Lloyd as Ted Buckland • Robert Maschio as Todd • Aloma Wright as Laverne Roberts • Michael J. Fox as Kevin Casey • Juan Carlos Cantu as Hector

Elliot finds herself perplexed over a simple procedure that leaves her questioning her career path. She goes to seek Dr. Kevin Casey's advice but becomes frustrated when she learns that the epiphany toilet, which the Janitor secretly installed on the roof, is getting more attention than she is. Meanwhile, Turk asks J.D. to be his best man at his wedding, which sends J.D. into sheer bliss momentarily until he hears a phone message that makes him question his friendship with Turk.

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1. I'm running a little late this morning, but that's okay

2. because I've been working with Dr. Casey the last few weeks.

3. You see, he has Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

4. and he likes to start each day the same way...

5. Bink. Bink. Bink ...

6. by touching everything in his first patient's room.

7. Bink, bink bink, bink, bink bink...

8. Bink, bink, bink, bink, bink, bink, bink, bink, bink, bink...

9. Good morning, doctors.

10. He touches everything.

11. Bink.

12. Oh. Okay. I suppose that's how they say good morning in Cuckoo Town.

13. Pretty much. Bink.

14. Now. Your patients on this wing have all been complaining about odd noises.

15. Oh, if it's a "bink" I can explain.

16. It isn't "bink"! Stop saying "bink"!

17. "I come from the land down under!

18. Where women glow and men plunder!"

19. That wasn't me.

20. Just figure it out, dammit!

21. Do you plunder?

22. I have been known to plunder.

23. What's that noise he's talking about?

24. That, my friends, is a roof toilet.

25. I'm sorry, you said that like it's a normal thing.

26. with this guy, he's uh...

27. Hey! You're the guy that's been using up all my soap!

28. Yeah, I've got OCD

29. Really! My grandpa had that.

30. Every morning he'd take a gym sock,

31. fill it up with nickels, and just beat us!

32. That's OCD, right?

33. The bad kind.

34. Who would use this thing?

35. You kiddin'?

36. Oh, man! Just picture yourself, you're standing out here, in the open air,

37. then you sit down

38. and you take stock of your life.

39. I've had some major epiphanies on this old girl.

40. See, you can't do any soul-searching down there on those germ-infested crappers.

41. Damn him. He's right.

42. Listen, pal.

43. I don't want you telling anybody about my epiphany toilet.

44. Who'm I gonna tell?

45. Ehp! Don't even think about it!

46. And get this: He calls it his "epiphany toilet"!

47. Yeah, you couldn't pay me to poop on the roof.

48. No one's offering.

49. You're like Dr. Casey.

50. I think he said using that toilet would be like his Everest.

51. Using that toilet would be my Everest

52. Yep, that's what he said.

53. Ask him.

54. Why?

55. J.D.!

56. Turk wants to ask you something,

57. and it would mean a lot to the both of us if you said yes.

58. Oh, my God! Would I have a threesome with Turk and Carla?

59. Well, it's certainly flattering, and I don't think they'd tell anyone...

60. Will you be my best man?

61. Oh.

62. I mean, YEAH! Of course!

63. Hell yeah, you will!

64. Thank you so much!

65. You're my buddy! Yeah!

66. So is this, like, the best moment you guys have ever had?

67. A decoder ring! Heh.

68. TURK!

69. What?

70. It finally happened!

71. A double-prizer?

72. That was awesome.

73. You guys realize you're doctors, right?

74. Double secret decoder ring-wearing doctors.

75. ACTIVATE!

76. Form of an ice menorah!

77. SCRUBS 3x13

78. The reason I'm gurney surfing ...

79. - aside from the fact that it's totally bitchin

80. is that Kelso shut down this whole wing.

81. Dude, I gotta go.

82. Oh, no!

83. Oh!

84. You see, a census said that hospital admissions dropped in February.

85. The census... was wrong.

86. Dr. Kelso! Where are we gonna fit these people? They're all sick!

87. It's not my job to take care of sick people.

88. "Bob Kelso — Healer"

89. Closing that wing saves us about sixty thousand dollars a month.

90. You got that on you?

91. It's weird how much Dr. Casey has influenced me in such a short time.

92. Bink!

93. Hey! Bink you!

94. And it wasn't just me. Dr. Casey has affected everyone.

95. What's he doing?

96. He's writing Dr. Casey a thank-you card.

97. I could use a little help here.

98. Todd, surgeon is spelled "-g-e-o-n"? And, uh... there are two Ds in "Todd".

99. Yeah...

100. I'm sorry, does

101. mean stare at me like jackasses

102. or does it mean get the hell over here?

103. All right, then. Mr. Tanaka here is fatiguing and he needs to be intubated.

104. Any questions?

105. Yeah, Turk has asked me to be his best man. You got any advice?

106. Nuh-no. No. I don't. Not at this moment.

107. You know what sucks?

108. Everyone keeps talking about how Dr. Casey has helped them,

109. and he doesn't even know I exist!

110. So introduce yourself.

111. I haven't seen him all day.

112. He's probably off trying to help figure out some procedure that's gonna help save humanity!

113. Why can't I sit on you! Why?

114. Probably.

115. Newbie! It turns out I, uh, I do have some best man advice.

116. Go easy on the mascara in case you cry during your toast.

117. And if you're gonna chase after the bouquet with all of the other girls,

118. make sure you kick off your pumps so you don't snap one of those chicken ankles of yours.

119. Thanks. Thanks for coming back.

120. Barbie. Are you sure you went into his lungs?

121. 'Cause it looks like you're blowing up his stomach.

122. Aw, dammit, his O2 sat's dropping. Get out of the way, honey; come on.

123. Even if you've done a procedure five thousand times,

124. there's no guarantee you won't screw up number five thousand, one.

125. A few more seconds, we would have been coding this guy. Take that.

126. Barbie, as hard as it is to remember, but air goes in the lungs.

127. Can I practice my toast on you?

128. No.

129. I'm opening with a quote from 'Spartacus'.

130. Actually it... goes a little lower.

131. I don't know why Carla wants me to wear a cummerbund, let alone a red one.

132. Well, come on. As your best man, trust me, it's not about the style, it's about the fit.

133. When you're out there on the dance floor, you don't want any restrictions, okay?

134. Let's test these babies out one more time.

135. Okay, ready? Five, six, seven, eight.

136. And one, two, three, four, five six, seven, eight. And drop it, right, it's hot.

137. It is hot!

138. Put one hand on the floor!

139. I can't reach!

140. You better feel the burn!

141. I can feel it burning!

142. Where I grew up, they didn't allow two men to marry.

143. Well, we grew up in ...

144. Well, shoot, I grew up in the 'hood ...

145. There you gotta do things like test suits out... ... That's right.

146. I'ma go change.

147. Uh... I'm the best man. Do you have any advice for me to give my friend?

148. Just remind him over and over that the wedding is all about what the woman wants.

149. Yeah, I'll make sure and do that.

150. Now, as the best man, don't you think my tux should stand out from the other groomsmen?

151. What did you have in mind?

152. The ring, please?

153. You got the ring?

154. It's got to be one of these!

155. Oh, I've got ideas.

156. He's crashing. He needs to be intubated!

157. Dr. Cox!

158. Oh, that's just dandy. I got a billion patients and no rooms,

159. and I got Newbie pestering me for advice on how to be the best woman at Turtlehead's wedding,

160. and I got a resident who can't do a simple procedure even though she learned it the first week she was here.

161. I'm sorry, Dr. Cox. I don't know what to do.

162. I'll tell you what to do: Get the hell out of here.

163. I swear to God, Carla, if one more annoying thing comes my way,

164. please just go ahead and extract some of that extra air out of Barbie's head and inject it right into my veins!

165. Hey, ace! I want you to find my gardener, Hector, a room.

166. He has a mild case of cellulitis, and I need him in tip-top shape by the weekend.

167. I'm having my annual lawn-bowling tournament, and if anyone but Hector cuts my grass,

168. my game goes to heck in a hand-basket.

169. Dammit all, Bob, you know we don't have an extra bed in this dump!

170. Perry, what has two thumbs and still doesn't give a crap?

171. Bob Kelso! I thought we'd met.

172. Hector. Uh-heh. Cómo esta.

173. Oh, man, this is amazing. I'm your best friend, now I'm your best man. What am I gonna be best at next?

174. How about best at not talking?

175. One one thousand, two one thousand... And now I'm best at that!

176. Hey!

177. Me or him?

178. You.

179. Cool.

180. What now?

181. Did you tell anybody about my epiphany toilet?

182. No, why?

183. Where're you coming from?

184. No

185. If I find out you told anybody, I'm gonna beat you with poppy's old nickel sock.

186. First of all, why would I tell anyone?

187. And secondly, no one has epiphanies on the john!

188. Of course! It's so simple!

189. Oh, Carla, good. Would you tell Hector here that he can stay just as long as he likes?

190. Aye-aye, captain.

191. Dice medigo...

192. When two people collide, a lot of things can happen.

193. Okay?

194. What the hell is going on in here!

195. Oh, hey, Bob. Great news: we found Hector a room!

196. For some it can be disaster. For others, it's salvation.

197. I need help.

198. Excuse me.

199. Uh, buddy, can you not point that at me?

200. Sure.

201. Hi. I'm Kevin.

202. I know! Um... I know.

203. Still, the weirdest thing is when two people collide without ever being in the same room.

204. Hey, Turk, it's your brother. Good news! My business trip got canceled,

205. so I can be your best man after all! I'm looking forward to it. Call me.

206. Sure I was hurt when I found out I was Turk's second choice for best man.

207. But I'm not gonna be petty...

208. I mean, when the tux guy called to confirm Turk's measurements, I gave them to him.

209. Dude! I look like I'm going to Ferrakhan day-camp!

210. Just paint your legs black, you'll be fine.

211. Look at this lame-ass bow-tie and cummerbund, man!

212. I'm really thinking about talking to Carla about this. Whatta you think?

213. Just remind him over and over that the wedding is all about what the woman wants.

214. You know what? You should totally say something.

215. You know, unless you want to set a precedent where she's walking all over you for the rest of your life;

216. but it's your call, you might love that, I don't know.

217. I wanted those red cummerbunds because that's the theme!

218. Red is a theme?

219. Love is the theme! We're in love, you idiot!

220. Just tell me why would you make such a big deal about something

221. we both know you don't even care about?

222. I don't know...

223. Well, I better get to work before all the good patients are taken.

224. So tell me, is it harder being a surgeon or a doctor?

225. Oh, definitely a surgeon. 'Cause when you tell people that a loved one died,

226. you have to do that thing where you pull your surgical mask down and you shake your head.

227. If you do it too fast, it says, you know, I knew he was gonna die.

228. And if you take too long and pause with it, it gives 'em false hope.

229. So you have to do it perfectly.

230. "Ahh, damn."

231. If one of my loved ones ever dies... I hope it's because of you.

232. Hey, me too.

233. Are we, uh, flirting?

234. A little bit.

235. Awesome!

236. Have you seen the roof toilet?

237. No. But I'm a nervous pooer.

238. Okay, now we're definitely not flirting.

239. Oh, it's just that I'm a little more comfortable with the setup that I have at home, you know.

240. Like... extra locks.

241. Yeah, I've only gone outside my house twice.

242. Once on an airplane, and once at the White House.

243. How are the bathrooms at the White House?

244. I have no idea, but the fountains are nice.

245. And security? Quick as bunnies.

246. Listen, Dr. Casey, um, I know that you've helped out a lot of people,

247. and I've got this, uh, intubating problem.

248. I'll be right back.

249. Where are you going?

250. To climb a mountain.

251. This is completely unacceptable!

252. Well, you said find him a room!

253. Not my office, dammit!

254. He's your gardener, for God's sake!

255. I could have both of you suspended...

256. You made your own bed, now your underpaid gardener's gotta sleep in it!

257. Fine! Get out of here! I'll get some paperwork done!

258. Oh, man. Tell me you're not waiting to use my roof toilet!

259. Well, I would use Dr. Kelso's like I normally do, but I don't wanna wake up Hector.

260. Okay, look, attention roof-poopers!

261. Setting aside for a moment the fact that I'm gonna make sure that you all live to regret this day,

262. let's keep the magic rolling

263. let's not tell anyone else that there's a toilet on the roof.

264. There is not a toilet on the roof!

265. But you just said there was.

266. No! Yes, I did, but I was using a metaphor... uhh...

267. that means..."God is watching us."

268. You've heard this, "There's a toilet on the roof."

269. Right? People?

270. That's right, ain't nothing up there.

271. Cool.

272. You know what, it's time to stop feeling sorry for yourself.

273. You're still best man.

274. It's not like Turk's gonna take that away from you.

275. J.D., can I talk to you?

276. AGH!

277. Have you seen Carla around?

278. Phew! False alarm.

279. 'Cause I need to, uh, talk to you in private?

280. Sort of man to man?

281. AGH!

282. I can't right now, Turk. I am completely swamped.

283. You're drawing lightning bolts on your Nikes.

284. So I can get to my patients faster.

285. How 'bout later?

286. Later's no good, dude.

287. I gotta stop by the tux shop,

288. then I gotta finish telling my whole family that you picked me as your best man!

289. This is hard.

290. I'm sorry it took me so long

291. I had to go home. That damn roof toilet's got my number.

292. Can't lick it, huh?

293. Oh, God, no! I can't even sit on it.

294. Look, um, that problem I was talking about before...

295. I can't seem to intubate patients anymore.

296. I mean, I used to do that better than anyone here.

297. Now the only thing that sets me apart from the other doctors is that my beeper plays

298. "That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it! Mm-hm, mm-hmm!" I don't know what to do.

299. It's just a piece of porcelain!

300. I mean, there's no reason we both shouldn't be able to sit on it!

301. Yeah, um, about my career-ending problem...

302. We must conquer the roof toilet.

303. ENOUGH ABOUT THE ROOF TOILET!

304. Listen, all I've heard about from everyone is how amazing you are,

305. and I'm not leaving here until you help me out!

306. Dammit! I have to go.

307. Elliot.

308. I'll help you.

309. Thanks.

310. "Furthermore, if Sacred Heart Elementary for Girls does not change its name posthaste"

311. I thought that was a nice touch —

312. "legal action will be taken, posthaste." Wait, that's wrong.

313. Shocker.

314. I can't even think straight with this incessant whispering.

315. It's like a Spanish golf tournament in here!

316. I'm sorry, Dr. Kelso, but I'm trying to get their lunch orders!

317. Oh, that reminds me.

318. Hector, Enid made you a prosciutto and mozzarella sandwich, but I... uh...

319. well, there was a misunderstanding and now it's gone.

320. Espero no se la causando ningún problema a Dr. Kelso. (I hope I'm not causing Dr. Kelso any trouble.)

321. Oh, screw him, he ate your sandwich.

322. I forget. Is" "kill him" or "screw him"?

323. "Screw him."

324. Awwww.

325. That's it! I just have to go and talk to him!

326. Kevin Casey.

327. Dr. Casey! Have you seen Turk?

328. Oh, yeah, nice guy... good surgeon... great dancer.

329. You should see us gettin' down when we try pants on together.

330. Yeah-heh. I have to go.

331. Cool. I'll see you tomorrow.

332. Uh, actually, no. I got a call —

333. I have to go back to my hospital.

334. Why? Why do you have to do that?

335. Well, look at it this way:

336. Uh, I may be leaving here, but I will always be there.

337. I know.

338. I am so messing with you.

339. Ha, I know... Okay.

340. Well, sir, it was amazing to work with you.

341. Thank you.

342. And that's three seconds!

343. Okay, sorry.

344. Okay.

345. Watching Kevin go, I wondered how gay I looked giving that two-handed handshake.

346. And also how weird it was that someone could just walk into your life,

347. have such a big impact, and then vanish just like that, never to be seen again.

348. But mostly I thought about how, in some small way,

349. Kevin had helped every single person he met here.

350. Kevin? Has anybody seen Kevin?

351. Where the hell is Turk?

352. What's wrong?

353. Kevin left. Didn't even say goodbye.

354. Elliot, he didn't say goodbye to a lot of people.

355. Trust me, Dr. Cox, Carla, Doug, Snoop Dogg Intern...

356. Where my hos at?

357. I haven't seen them.

358. Look, I don't wanna sound pathetic, but, he didn't even help me.

359. He didn't help a lot of people, Elliot.

360. It was just me, and Turk, and Carla, and Dr. Cox, and Doug, and Dr. Mickhead—

361. Mickhead? No, Mickhead's in rehab.

362. Was in rehab, Elliot.

363. Was. He'll never huff paint again.

364. But look, if you need help, I'm always here for you.

365. All right, see, with intubating...

366. I can't seem to intubate patien—

367. There's Turk. I gotta go.

368. Elliot?

369. Aunt Lillian?

370. Aunt Lillian?

371. What is it, there, Barbie?

372. I need help.

373. I know you do, sweetie, but here I'm plum out of hair scrunchies.

374. Now scram, princess, we're waiting for somebody. Go on.

375. Hector's wife just set my drapes on fire with her damn prayer candle!

376. He's here!

377. I want them both out of my office!

378. Sir, there's a ton of empty beds right here.

379. All you have to do is flick the switch.

380. You know how to do that, don't you, Bob?

381. You just bend over... and flick.

382. Yeah, I thought so.

383. "Follow me"

384. Who took this?

385. "Polaroid with self-timer"

386. "Your turn"

387. With Marbury, I really believe New York has a shot at the title, man.

388. Yeah, me too.

389. Which sport are we talking about?

390. I wanna say tennis...

391. Look, Turk, I heard the message that your brother left on the machine.

392. I want you to know, if there's anything I can do to make your whole wedding go smoother,

393. just tell me. Even if it's stepping down from being best man.

394. The only reason I asked my brother to be best man was because I knew he couldn't come to the wedding.

395. But now his plans have changed and he's all excited.

396. Dude, it has to be you, you know that.

397. It's always uncomfortable when two guys wanna say something each other.

398. Look, you've been my best friend for ten years, man;

399. I've loved you since college, and you know I'd do anything for you.

400. Dude, look, man, you're my friend and I frickin' love you; and no one's looked out for me like you have.

401. Cool.

402. Solid.

403. You know, if it makes it easier, I guess we could be co-best men.

404. You have no idea how much stress that would relieve.

405. Even though... God said it's supposed to be one...

406. You ever think there's more to Dr. Kelso than we know?

407. Sure, is he in fact a latex-encased robot with real human hair and a circuit board where his heart should be?

408. I can't... I can't rule that out.

409. You know, Hector told me he's worked for Dr. Kelso for twenty years.

410. That's half his life. I mean, I know he looks 50,

411. but that's what being in the sun all day does to your skin.

412. Right, right.

413. The point is, it doesn't seem like he hates Dr. Kelso.

414. Say... Say, Bobbo...

415. Is it possible that you're occasionally a decent human being in your life outside of this place?

416. Well, champ, seeing as you don't exist in my life outside this place,

417. I doubt it's any of your damn business.

418. So far no epiphanies.

419. Except that outdoor toilet seats are like frickin' icicles!

420. Eh, at least no one saw me go...

421. Go! Let's go, let's go!

422. Uh, hi. We don't have a helicopter pad—

423. We're out of time! He's losing oxygen, he needs to be intubated now!

424. Okay, just let me get someone.

425. NOW! You! Let's go! Do it!

426. Come on!

427. I'm in.

428. You see, this is why I wanted you to use the bathroom up here.

429. If there's something you know you can do, whether it's intubating a patient or...

430. copping a squat on the roof, and your mind keeps throwing up roadblocks,

431. just know you can drive right through 'em.

432. And if that doesn't help, maybe this will...

433. I can't believe it's gone.

434. I think it's human nature to search for answers.

435. Dude. Why is your tux gonna cost four thousand dollars?

436. No reason.

437. Sometimes the answer you get is the one you least expect.

438. All right, pipe down! Now, who's up for Dairy Queen?

439. Dairy Queen!

440. But more often than not,

441. the answers we've been looking for have been inside us all along.

442. Well done, there, Barbie.

443. You're now exactly where you were three years ago.

444. I guess the important thing is to never stop searching.

445. Occupied!

446. I'll help you. Nah. Okay.