1. At Sacred Heart, there are certain
things you can always count on.
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2. Dr Kelso will systematically
break Ted's spirit.
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3. Ted, I meant to tell you
eight months ago,
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4. all those days of vacation
you saved up expire right...
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5. Now.
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6. I was going to visit the Alamo with the
guys from my public... speaking class.
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7. Turk will start a fight
with Carla that he'll lose.
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8. This wedding is about us.
How come I can't be comfortable?
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9. How many times must I tell you
you're not wearing sweats?
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10. I don’t have to wear sweats.
I'll wear slacks.
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11. I’m also wearing a cape and
I'll stand on the altar like...
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12. I do!
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13. I’m marrying this.
This is gonna be my husband.
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14. Sean and Elliot will try
to keep their relationship going.
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15. I love these new camera phones
you got us.
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16. Really?
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17. Did you get it? No?
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18. And the Janitor will think
of new ways to torture me.
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19. Hey... Don't open your locker
for the next couple of days.
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20. Why?
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21. To break the pattern, you need
something shocking to happen.
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22. Like, say, Dr Cox
being in a good mood.
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23. You know, pal, after three long years of
watching you climb that transplant list,
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24. I finally have a liver
with your name on it.
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25. Check Mr Iverson into Sacred Heart
for the last time, will ya?
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26. When Dr Cox is in a good mood,
it flows out of him
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27. like a cool breeze that lifts
the spirits of everyone it touches.
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28. Oh, it's going to be a great day.
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29. Frick!
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30. Not today. Life's too good.
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31. Chicken.
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32. Come on, Turk,
I got two minutes left on my break.
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33. - How long is this surgery gonna take?
- Cut the guy some slack.
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34. Surgery is not as easy as it looks.
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35. He's gotta make the incision,
cut the wrong artery, panic,
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36. collapse in a ball of tears
in the corner.
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37. After that, he’s gotta wash up,
check the board
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38. and find out who he’ll be killing
after lunch. It's a grind.
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39. You're always taking shots at Turk,
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40. but you've never told me
what you think of him.
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41. There's the right pitch.
I think that...
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42. Hold that thought.
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43. I would love to hear
what you have to say.
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44. I don't think so, bowling ball.
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45. Spill it. Carla tells me everything.
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46. Except about that curling iron
you have in your locker.
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47. It slipped.
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48. It's back. Look, if it makes it easier,
you can just pretend I'm Carla.
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49. I can totally do this.
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50. - Carla...
- What?
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51. I think your fiancé is a self-involved,
bobble-headed jock-itch
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52. who is not good enough for you.
Not now, not ever.
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53. If your wedding is in Spanish, how
will I know you're officially married?
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54. My cousins will throw tortillas
in the air and fire their guns.
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55. Really?
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56. Oh, God, I wish I was ethnic.
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57. It’s always hard to work
with terminally ill patients.
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58. Ted's helping Maggie with her will.
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59. Thanks again, Ted. How'd you
get through 60 pages so quickly?
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60. Miss Himsel, it helps to
not really know what you're doing.
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61. Stop it, Ted. You're a great lawyer.
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62. I love her.
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63. Maggie, you seem so
at peace with everything.
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64. There's only one thing I'll regret.
I'm 38 years old and I'm a virgin.
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65. - Me too.
- Elliot.
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66. Sorry. It's from playing
in a Christian rock band,
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67. which was bull,
because everyone slept with everyone.
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68. - Sorry.
- That’s OK.
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69. I was waiting
for someone special.
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70. Now I feel like I’ve missed out on one
of the fundamental experiences of life
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71. for no good reason.
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72. Is there anything we can do?
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73. Don’t people sometimes pay for sex?
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74. Oh, boy, do they! I slept with Jenny
Johnson’s brother in high school.
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75. He told all his friends
what my orgasm face looked like.
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76. Three of them posed like that for their
yearbook photos. I paid for that.
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77. Elliot, she means pay money for sex.
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78. I got a story about that too. Not
about me. My mom. She gets lonely.
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79. Isn't it great being so comfortable,
you don't have to talk?
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80. Anyway, the point is,
silence is awesome.
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81. Sorry, I'm a little preoccupied.
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82. I walked in on my sister and Perry
this morning. Can you imagine?
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83. Relax, Newbie,
the gimp is chained up.
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84. - Careful, though, Randall got loose.
- Who?
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85. Why?
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86. Powerful tiny fists.
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87. I gotta get out of there.
Could I crash at your house?
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88. Sure. Just bring your
own toilet paper.
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89. It's kind of a little rule
we have with our guests.
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90. Preferably something two-ply.
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91. - How's it going?
- I'm crashing at your place tonight.
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92. - Cool. Bring toilet paper.
- I already told her.
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93. - How’d you get Dr Cox to like you?
- Dr Cox said he liked me?
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94. - You missed the point.
- Three things.
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95. Where was he, what inflection
did he use, was he drinking?
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96. I don’t care.
Drinking makes you truthful.
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97. Carla’s gonna have a
pre-wedding panic attack.
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98. What if she has her buddy Dr Cox there
to tell her what a jackass I am?
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99. Then what?
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100. You know what?
I'm glad he was drunk.
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101. Thank you.
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102. - How was the liquor store, big guy?
- What are you talking about?
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103. Your six pack. Much love.
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104. I don’t know what
you’re talking about,
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105. if you're sucking up to me
or making a pass at me,
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106. but I say skip it and we continue
in our state of mutual disdain.
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107. Dr Cox, you got it all wrong, man.
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108. I don't disdain you. It’s quite
the opposite. I "dain" you.
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109. If you get to know me better,
you just might dain me too.
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110. That’s interesting. It’s gibberish,
but it's interesting.
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111. I'm gonna go ahead and pass
and here's why:
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112. You're a typical surgeon. As a rule you
guys are insensitive and egotistical,
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113. and you have the humour
of a fourth grader.
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114. That's just not true.
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115. Who wants to touch my giant balls?
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116. Damn.
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117. Your kidney's healed
enough to release you,
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118. but no sparring in karate class
for two months.
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119. Two months?
That's a real punch in the crotch.
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120. Could you stop using that expression?
I can't get it out of my head.
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121. Ladies, explain to me
why you are so concerned
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122. with my policy on
patients having sex?
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123. - No reason. Trying to learn.
- Just curious. I love you.
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124. Well, why not make it the same
as my sex policy with my wife:
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125. Absolutely not.
Now make me a sandwich.
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126. - So, you and Jordan had a kid.
- Parenthood's amazing.
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127. You’re all set.
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128. Some peon from surgery’s gonna do
your pre-op then you're good to go.
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129. Room service. Who ordered the liver?
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130. - Jackass.
- Bite me.
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131. Great guy.
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132. Laverne, my girlfriend's coming.
Would you mind giving her my keys?
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133. I shacked up with a man before I was
married, too. His name was Jesus.
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134. Our generation has the same morals
and values as yours.
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135. Come on, let's find a man-whore.
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136. See ya.
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137. She's not moving in permanently.
She's just crashing for a while.
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138. About a year ago, Jordan said
she wanted to crash for a while.
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139. Now my office is a nursery,
my closet is my office,
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140. my clothes are in the entertainment
centre, my TV is in the john,
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141. which I guess is kind of nice,
I don't even know any more.
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142. Same thing happened to me.
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143. After my divorce, I told Marianna
I'd crash at her place a few weeks.
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144. We've been sharing a bed
for eight years.
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145. - Isn't Marianna your mother?
- Who are we talking about, you or me?
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146. Here's the rule. The moment
her toothbrush hits your sink,
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147. you've got yourself
a permanent roomie.
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148. How long will you be staying?
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149. For a while.
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150. Downy soft.
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151. There'll be toilet paper everywhere.
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152. Gotta go.
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153. Hey, real sorry about
the whole mom situation, there.
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154. - She has cold toes.
- Ted, don’t be that guy.
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155. What guy?
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156. What guy?
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157. This is so exciting. The closest
I've ever come to breaking the law
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158. was when Alex Peterson
sold his mom's Virginia Slims.
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159. - Was he a Blood or a Crip?
- He was Lutheran.
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160. This is it. Stop the car. Keep the
meter running. We'll be right back.
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161. What a rush!
I've never slept with a prostitute
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162. but if it is half as much fun
as buying one, sign me up.
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163. Quiet down back there.
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164. Sorry.
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165. Though I won't perform the transplant,
I am a key member of the team.
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166. It's too complicated
to explain what it is I do,
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167. but in layman's terms,
I guess you'd call it watching.
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168. - Could you excuse me one second?
- Sure.
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169. I taught him that.
Well struck, Barry.
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170. Let’s finish up here, OK?
Have you been smoking?
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171. - No, sir.
- Drinking?
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172. No. Oh, I had a couple of glasses of
champagne at my daughter's wedding.
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173. But a little champagne's
no big deal, huh?
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174. Nah.
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175. Look, Barry’s a great guy.
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176. I totally forgot the rule to the
transplant list is no drinking,
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177. unless Cox says you're a great guy.
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178. Come on, the guy’s been
on the list for three years.
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179. - This is a no-brainer.
- You're right.
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180. He's out.
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181. This is why you shouldn't get
emotionally invested in your patients.
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182. Hey, Bob-O, now when the dark prince
does finally call you home,
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183. please promise me that
you'll donate your body to science.
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184. I don’t mean medical science,
I mean NASA.
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185. Because when those buzz-cuts
have given up
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186. on figuring out
exactly what a black hole is,
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187. and get one look at that space
where your heart was supposed to be,
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188. well, they’re just gonna say:
“Aw, shucks. That's what it is.”
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189. Hey, champ, what has two thumbs
and doesn't give a crap?
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190. Bob Kelso. How ya doing?
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191. You're gonna have to tell her
she can't move in.
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192. It's no big deal.
It's not like she has the keys yet.
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193. God, I'm horrible at giving bad news.
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194. Wait, I'm a doctor.
I give bad news all the time.
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195. Just like I did with Mr Clark
this morning.
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196. Who does his daughter
always remind me of?
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197. Molly Ringwald.
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198. She was good in The Breakfast Club.
I should rent that again.
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199. Come on, focus! You have to tell her.
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200. God, I need something
to get me out of this. Anything.
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201. Hello?
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202. Yes, this is JD.
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203. I’d love to pick you up at jail.
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204. - Slim, what are you in for?
- Robbery.
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205. Prostitution.
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206. Would you please stop
enjoying this so much?
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207. Photo-op. Slammer.
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208. Get your arm off me before
I throw that phone in the street.
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209. Who wants to tell me what happened?
Lucy? Ethel?
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210. Oh, hey, Dr Turk, you old,
turtle-headed pain in the ass.
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211. Dammit, Perry. That is so not
what you came down here to say.
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212. You're better than that.
Turn the car around.
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213. The worm has turned, huh?
Don't bother.
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214. You see, that’s what’s wrong
with you medical guys.
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215. You...
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216. never...
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217. know...
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218. when to...
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219. face reality and realise things
are never gonna change between us.
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220. Hell, yeah.
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221. It's so nice to have real food again.
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222. Elliot, they didn't even feed us.
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223. I love how much you guys
care about your patients.
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224. Wow, Danni is so sweet.
What am I worried about?
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225. Jordan and I are from here.
Our friend Chuck’s a stripper.
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226. He knows tons of guys who'd love
to have sex with your patient.
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227. What the hell? What's it gonna
be like when she's at my place?
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228. Danni, can you have the guys practise
in the other room please?
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229. Stop being such a fuddy-duddy.
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230. Now, who haven't I slept with yet?
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231. There’ll be
banana-hammocks everywhere.
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232. Let's roll.
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233. Excellent work, everyone.
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234. You're new here so I wanted to offer you
the chance to assist me in a bypass.
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235. By that, I mean we'd bypass the
kissing and go straight to the...
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236. Oh, my God, you're a dude?
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237. Sorry, Larry.
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238. I feel so bad.
Look, I'll make it up to him.
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239. I will hook him up with that chick.
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240. Dude, that's Larry again.
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241. Hello and welcome to McSurgeons.
May I take your order?
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242. Yeah, I was thinking about getting
a simple operation
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243. with no unexpected
complications, please.
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244. Gosh, I'm sorry,
we're fresh out of those.
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245. But, if you have a child maybe you’d
like to try one of our infection meals.
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246. That'll be $7,000.
Please pay at the second window.
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247. - I'm getting sick of this.
- Oh, I'm sorry. Are you talking?
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248. I’ve decided to keep
my finger on the button
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249. so I can't hear anything
that's going on in there.
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250. For fairness' sake, I've decided
to do your end of the conversation.
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251. It goes something like this:
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252. cool hip-hop lingo...
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253. Anyway, I’ve come up with
a whole new plan about Mr Iverson.
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254. If you wanna take that liver away because
we're having some personal beef,
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255. you go and tell the man yourself.
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256. Don't worry, sweetheart,
this'll be over in a second.
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257. Please, stop.
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258. It’s the hips that fool me.
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259. Chuck gave up stripping
to become a city councilman.
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260. - Same job, different outfit.
- True dat.
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261. Elliot. You ain’t as ghetto
as you think you are!
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262. Let's see how Maggie's doing.
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263. - Can I help you?
- No. He told me to say "hi".
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264. That's our new transplant patient.
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265. You picked her, so I’m quite sure
she is so very nice.
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266. She's alienated every member
of my surgical team.
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267. You're not even on the surgical team.
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268. I'm a very important part of the team...
I'm a very important part of the team.
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269. I see, so that’s it? You say she gets
the liver and that’s the way it goes?
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270. She gets the liver
because she followed the rules.
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271. Dr Cox,
I know it's hard on you medical guys,
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272. you spend time with your patients
and get emotionally attached.
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273. As a surgeon, the person I’m closest to
is the guy who's giving us the liver.
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274. Because it’s a gift.
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275. It’s important it goes to the person
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276. that’s proven they’re
up to the responsibility.
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277. Holy cow, I get it. I gotta collect
myself. That’s very touching.
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278. You know I’m right.
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279. Sometimes we forget that
rules are there for a reason.
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280. Other times, well...
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281. - She's sleeping.
- So?
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282. There’s cupcakes
down in paediatrics.
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283. Other times,
rules are meant to be broken.
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284. You are so beautiful.
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285. That was worth the wait.
You are a stallion.
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286. Once in a while you have to
throw all the rules out the window
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287. and know that
everything’s gonna be OK.
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288. I feel really good about this.
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289. Me too.
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290. Or not.
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291. Of course, some rules
are just plain silly.
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292. Big plans for tonight?
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293. It's Turk's stupid rule.
I don't wanna talk about it.
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294. Hey! You never told me
what you really think of Turk.
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295. He is a complete tool.
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296. But I suppose you
could do a lot worse.
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297. Thanks.
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298. Yeah.
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