Scrubs 3x10

Directed by Craig Zisk

Sam Lloyd as Ted Buckland • Robert Maschio as Todd • Aloma Wright as Laverne Roberts • Tara Reid as Danni • Mike Starr as Mr. Iverson

Carla and Elliot try to help a patient, Maggie, lose her virginity as she prepares to die. Walking in on her sister and Dr. Cox prompts Danni to move in with J.D. Dr. Cox attempts to convince Turk to do a kidney transplant for a patient he has "moved up" the list. But a personal grudge seems to stand in the way and may decide whether the patient lives or dies.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. At Sacred Heart, there are certain things you can always count on.

2. Dr. Kelso will systematically break Ted's spirit.

3. Ted, I meant to tell you eight months ago,

4. all those days of vacation you saved up expire right...

5. now.

6. But sir, I was going to visit the Alamo with the guys from my public...

7. speaking class.

8. Turk will start a fight with Carla that he'll lose.

9. The wedding is about us, so how come I can't be comfortable?

10. How many times must I tell you you're not wearing sweats?

11. I don't have to wear sweats. I'll wear the slacks.

12. I'm having a cape and a wind machine and I'll stand on the altar like...

13. I'm marrying this. This is gonna be my husband.

14. Sean and Elliot will try to keep their relationship going.

15. I love these new camera phones you got us.

16. Really?

17. Did you get it?

18. No?

19. And the Janitor will think of new ways to torture me.

20. Hey... Don't open your locker for the next couple of days.

21. Why?

22. To break the pattern, you need something shocking to happen.

23. Like, say, Dr. Cox being in a good mood.

24. You know, pal, after three long years of watching you climb that transplant list,

25. I finally have a liver with your name on it.

26. Check Mr. Iverson into Sacred Heart for the last time, will ya?

27. When Dr. Cox is in a good mood, it flows out of him

28. like a cool breeze that lifts the spirits of everyone it touches.

29. Oh, it's going to be a great day.

30. Frick!

31. Not today. Life's too good.

32. Chicken.

33. Come on, Turk, I got two minutes left on my break.

34. How long is this surgery gonna take?

35. Cut the guy some slack.

36. Surgery is not as easy as it looks.

37. He's gotta make the incision, cut the wrong artery, panic,

38. collapse in a ball of tears in the corner.

39. After that, he's gotta wash up, check the board

40. and see who he's be killing after lunch.

41. It's a grind.

42. You're always taking shots at Turk,

43. but you've never told me what you think of him as a person.

44. There's the right pitch. I think that...

45. Hold that thought.

46. I would love to hear what you have to say.

47. I don't think so, bowling ball.

48. Spill it. Carla tells me everything.

49. Except about that curling iron you have in your locker.

50. It slipped.

51. It's back.

52. If it makes it easier, you can just pretend I'm Carla.

53. I can totally do this.

54. - Carla... - What?

55. I think your fiancé is a self-involved,

56. bobble-headed jock-itch

57. who is not good enough for you. Not now, not ever.

58. If your wedding is in Spanish,

59. how will I know you're officially married?

60. My cousins will throw tortillas in the air and fire their guns.

61. Really?

62. Oh God, I wish I was ethnic.

63. It's always hard to work with terminally ill patients.

64. Ted's helping Maggie with her will.

65. Thanks again, Ted.

66. How'd you get through 60 pages so quickly?

67. Well, Miss Himsel, it helps to not really know what you're doing.

68. Stop it, Ted. You're a great lawyer.

69. I love her.

70. Maggie, you seem so at peace with everything.

71. There's really only one thing I'll regret.

72. I'm 38 years old and I'm a virgin.

73. - Me too. - Elliot.

74. Sorry. It's from playing tambourine in a Christian rock band,

75. which was bull, because everyone slept with everyone.

76. - Sorry. - That's OK.

77. I guess I was waiting for someone special.

78. Now I feel like I've missed out on one of the fundamental experiences of life

79. for no good reason, you know?

80. Is there anything we can do?

81. Don't people sometimes pay for sex?

82. Oh, boy, do they!

83. I slept with Jenny Johnson's brother in high school.

84. He told all his friends what my orgasm face looked like.

85. Three of them posed like that for their yearbook photos. I paid for that.

86. Elliot, she means pay money for sex.

87. I got a story about that too. Not about me, though.

88. My mom. She gets lonely.

89. Isn't it great being so comfortable, you don't have to talk?

90. Hm.

91. Anyway, the point is, silence is awesome.

92. Sorry, I'm a little preoccupied.

93. I walked in on my sister and Perry this morning.

94. Can you imagine?

95. Relax, Newbie, the gimp is chained up.

96. Careful, though, Randall got loose.

97. Who?

98. Why?

99. Powerful tiny fists.

100. I gotta get out of there. Could I crash at your house?

101. Sure. Just bring your own toilet paper.

102. It's kind of a little rule we have with our guests.

103. Preferably something two-ply.

104. How's it going?

105. I'm crashing at your place tonight.

106. - Cool. Bring toilet paper. - I already told her.

107. How'd you get Dr. Cox to like you?

108. Dr. Cox said he liked me?

109. - You missed the point. - Three things.

110. Where was he, what inflection did he use, was he drinking?

111. I don't care about the third. Drinking makes you truthful.

112. Carla's gonna have a pre-wedding panic attack.

113. What if she has her buddy Dr. Cox there to tell her what a jackass I am?

114. Then what?

115. You know what?

116. I'm glad he was drunk.

117. Thank you.

118. How was the liquor store, big guy?

119. What are you talking about?

120. Your six pack. Much love.

121. I don't know what you're talking about,

122. if you're sucking up to me or making a pass at me,

123. but I say skip it and we continue in our state of mutual disdain.

124. Dr. Cox, you got it all wrong, man.

125. I don't disdain you. It's quite the opposite. I "dain" you.

126. If you get to know me better, you just might dain me too.

127. That's interesting. It's gibberish, but it's interesting nonetheless.

128. I'm gonna go ahead and pass and here's why:

129. You're a typical surgeon. As a rule you guys are insensitive and egotistical,

130. and you have the sense of humor of a fourth grader.

131. That's just not true.

132. Who wants to touch my giant balls?

133. Damn.

134. Your kidney's healed enough to release you,

135. but no sparring in karate class for two months.

136. Two months? That's a real punch in the crotch.

137. Could you stop using that expression? Because I can't get it out of my head.

138. Ladies, explain to me why you are so concerned

139. with my policy on patients having sex?

140. - No reason. Trying to learn. - Just curious. I love you, sir.

141. Well, why not make it the same as my sex policy with my wife:

142. Absolutely not. Now make me a sandwich.

143. - So, you and Jordan had a kid. - Parenthood's amazing.

144. You're all set.

145. Some peon from surgery's gonna do your pre-op then you're good to go.

146. Room service. Who ordered the liver?

147. - Jackass. - Bite me.

148. Great guy.

149. Laverne, my girlfriend's coming by. Would you mind giving her my keys?

150. I shacked up with a man before I was married, too.

151. His name was Jesus.

152. Our generation has the same morals and values as yours.

153. Come on, let's find ourselves a man-whore.

154. See ya.

155. She's not moving in permanently. She's just crashing for a while.

156. About a year ago, Jordan said she wanted to crash for a while.

157. Now my office is a nursery, my closet is my office,

158. my clothes are in the entertainment center, my TV is in the john,

159. which I guess is kind of nice, I don't even know any more.

160. Same thing happened to me.

161. After my divorce, I told Marianna I'd crash at her place a few weeks.

162. We've been sharing a bed for eight years.

163. Isn't Marianna your mother?

164. Who are we talking about, you or me?

165. Here's the rule. The moment her toothbrush hits your sink,

166. you've got yourself a permanent roomy.

167. How long will you be staying?

168. For a while.

169. Mm. Downy soft.

170. There'll be toilet paper everywhere.

171. Gotta go.

172. Hey, real sorry about the whole mom situation there.

173. - She has cold toes. - Ted, don't be that guy.

174. What guy?

175. What guy?

176. This is so exciting. The closest I've ever come to breaking the law

177. was when Alex Peterson sold his mom's Virginia Slims.

178. - Was he a Blood or a Crip? - He was Lutheran.

179. This is it. Stop the car. Stop the car.

180. Keep the meter running. We'll be right back.

181. What a rush! I've never slept with a prostitute

182. but if it is half as much fun as buying one, sign me up.

183. Quiet down back there.

184. Sorry.

185. Even though I won't be performing the transplant,

186. I am a key member of the surgical team.

187. It's too complicated to explain what it is I do,

188. but in layman's terms, I guess you'd call it watching.

189. Could you excuse me one second?

190. Sure.

191. I taught him that. Well struck, Barry.

192. Let's finish up here, OK?

193. - Have you been smoking? - No, sir.

194. - Drinking? - No.

195. I had a couple of glasses of champagne at my daughter's wedding.

196. But a little champagne's no big deal, huh?

197. Nah.

198. Look, Barry's a great guy.

199. I totally forgot the rule to the transplant list is no drinking,

200. unless Cox says you're a great guy.

201. Come on, pally, the guy's been on the list for three years.

202. - This is a no-brainer. - You're right.

203. He's out.

204. This is why you shouldn't get emotionally invested in your patients.

205. Hey, Bob-O, now when the dark prince does finally call you home,

206. please promise me that you'll donate your body to science.

207. I don't mean medical science, I mean NASA.

208. Because when those buzz-cuts have all but given up

209. on trying to figure out exactly what a black hole is,

210. and get one look at that space where your heart was supposed to be,

211. well, by gum, they're just gonna say:

212. "Aw, shucks. That's what it is."

213. Hey, champ, what has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap?

214. Bob Kelso. How ya doing?

215. You're just gonna have to tell her she can't move in.

216. It's no big deal. It's not like she has the keys yet.

217. God, I'm horrible at giving bad news.

218. Wait, I'm a doctor. I give bad news all the time.

219. Just like I did with Mr. Clark this morning.

220. Who does his daughter always remind me of?

221. Molly Ringwald.

222. She was good in The Breakfast Club. I should rent that again.

223. Come on, focus! You have to tell her.

224. God, I need something to get me out of this. Anything.

225. Hello?

226. Yes, this is J.D.

227. I'd love to pick you up at jail.

228. - Slim, what are you in for? - Robbery.

229. Prostitution.

230. Would you please stop enjoying this so much?

231. Photo-op. Slammer.

232. Get your arm off me before I throw that phone in the street.

233. - Please... - It's not like...

234. Who wants to tell me what happened? Lucy? Ethel?

235. Oh, hey, Dr. Turk, you old, turtle-headed pain in the ass.

236. Dammit, Perry. That is so not what you came down here to say.

237. You're better than that. Turn the car around.

238. The worm has turned, huh? Don't bother.

239. You see, that's what's wrong with you medical guys.

240. You...

241. never...

242. know...

243. when to...

244. face reality and realize things are never gonna change between us.

245. Hell, yeah.

246. It's so nice to have real food again.

247. Elliot, they didn't even feed us.

248. I love how much you guys care about your patients.

249. Wow, Danni is so sweet. What am I worried about?

250. Jordan and I are from here. Our friend Chuck's a stripper.

251. He knows tons of guys who'd love to have sex with your patient.

252. What the hell? What's it gonna be like when she's at my place?

253. Danni, can you have the guys practice in the other room please?

254. Stop being such a fuddy-duddy.

255. Now, who haven't I slept with yet?

256. There'll be banana-hammocks everywhere.

257. Let's roll.

258. Excellent work, everyone.

259. You're new here so I wanted to offer you the chance to assist me in a bypass.

260. By that, I mean we'd bypass the kissing and go straight to the...

261. Oh, my God, you're a dude?

262. Sorry, Larry.

263. I feel so bad. Look, I'll make it up to him.

264. I will hook him up with that chick.

265. - Dude, that's Larry again. - Oh...

266. Hello and welcome to McSurgeons. May I take your order?

267. Yeah, I was thinking about getting a simple operation

268. with no unexpected complications, please.

269. Gosh, I'm sorry, we're fresh out of those.

270. But, if you have a child maybe you'd like to try one of our infection meals.

271. That'll be $7,000. Please pay at the second window.

272. I'm getting sick of this.

273. Oh, I'm sorry. Are you talking?

274. I've decided to keep my finger on the button

275. so I can't hear anything that's going on in there.

276. For fairness' sake, I've decided to do your end of the conversation.

277. It goes something like this:

278. Blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah,

279. cool hip-hop lingo, blah-blah, blah-blah-blah.

280. Anyway, I've come up with a whole new plan about Mr. Iverson.

281. If you wanna take that liver away because we're having some personal beef,

282. you go and tell the man yourself.

283. Don't worry, sweetheart, this'll all be over in a second.

284. - Please, stop. - Oh.

285. It's the hips that fool me.

286. Chuck gave up stripping to become a city councilman.

287. Same job, different outfit.

288. - True dat. - Elliot.

289. You ain't as ghetto as you think you are! 'Kay?

290. Let's go see how Maggie's doing.

291. Hey.

292. - Can I help you? - No.

293. He told me to say "hi".

294. That's our new transplant patient.

295. You picked her, so I'm quite sure she is so very nice.

296. She's alienated every member of my surgical team.

297. You're not even on the surgical team.

298. I'm a very important part of the team...

299. I'm a very important part of the team.

300. I see, so that's it?

301. You say she gets the liver and that's the way it goes?

302. She gets the liver because she followed the rules.

303. Ah-ha.

304. Dr. Cox, I know it's hard on you medical guys,

305. you spend time with your patients and get emotionally attached.

306. As a surgeon, the person I'm closest to is the guy who's giving us the liver.

307. Because it's a gift.

308. It's important it goes to the person

309. that's proven they're up to the responsibility.

310. Holy cow, I get it.

311. I gotta collect myself. That's very touching.

312. You know I'm right.

313. Sometimes we forget that rules are there for a reason.

314. Other times, well...

315. - She's sleeping, sir. - So?

316. You know, there's cupcakes down in pediatrics.

317. Other times, rules are meant to be broken.

318. You are so beautiful.

319. That was worth the wait.

320. You are a stallion.

321. Once in a while you have to throw all the rules out the window

322. and know that everything's gonna be OK.

323. I feel really good about this.

324. Me too.

325. Or not.

326. Of course, some rules are just plain silly.

327. Big plans for tonight?

328. Oh. It's Turk's stupid rule. I don't wanna talk about it.

329. Hey! You never told me what you really think of Turk.

330. He is a complete tool.

331. But I suppose you could do a lot worse.

332. Thanks.

333. Yeah.