1. "At Sacred Heart, there are certain
things you can always count on."Copy !req
2. "Dr. Kelso will systematically break Ted's spirit..."Copy !req
3. Oh, Ted.Copy !req
4. I meant to tell you eight months ago, all those
days of vacation you saved up expire...Copy !req
5. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight...Copy !req
6. - Now!
- But sir!Copy !req
7. I was going to visit The Alamo with
the guys from my public sp...Copy !req
8. Speaking class!Copy !req
9. "... Turk will start a fight with Carla
that he'll inevitably lose..."Copy !req
10. I don't understand it. This wedding is supposed to
be about us, how come I can't be comfortable?Copy !req
11. And I don't know how many times I have to
tell you that you are not wearing sweats!Copy !req
12. All right, fine! I don't have to wear sweats,
I'll wear the slacks! But you know what?Copy !req
13. I'm also wearing the cape,
and we gonna have a wind machine,Copy !req
14. and I'ma be standing on the altar like:
"I DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"Copy !req
15. I'm marrying this! This is gonna be my husband!Copy !req
16. "... Sean and Elliot will do whatever they can to
keep their long-distance relationship going..."Copy !req
17. I love the new camera phone you got us.Copy !req
18. Really?Copy !req
19. Did you get it?Copy !req
20. No?Copy !req
21. "... And the janitor will think of
new ways to torture me."Copy !req
22. Don't open your locker for
the next couple of days.Copy !req
23. Why?Copy !req
24. "Still, all you need to break the pattern
is for something shocking to happen."Copy !req
25. "Like, say, Dr. Cox being in a good mood."Copy !req
26. You know, Kyle, after three long years of
watching you climb that transplant list,Copy !req
27. I finally have a liver with your name on it.Copy !req
28. Check Mr. Iverson into Sacred Heart
for the last time, will ya?Copy !req
29. "You see, when Dr. Cox is in a good mood..."Copy !req
30. "Well, it flows out of him like a cool breeze that
lifts the spirits of everyone it touches."Copy !req
31. Ohhh, it's gon'ta be a great dayyy...Copy !req
32. Not today!Copy !req
33. Life's too good!Copy !req
34. Chicken.Copy !req
35. Come on, Turk!Copy !req
36. I got two minutes left on my break, how
long is this surgery gonna take?Copy !req
37. Carla, cut the guy some slack.Copy !req
38. Surgery is not as easy as it looks.Copy !req
39. I mean, he's gotta make the incision,
cut the wrong artery...Copy !req
40. Panic, collapse into a ball of tears in the corner,
and after all that he's gotta go wash up...Copy !req
41. Check the board, and find out who
he'll be killing after lunch.Copy !req
42. It's... a grind.Copy !req
43. You know, you're always taking shots at Turk,Copy !req
44. but you've never really told me what
you think of him as a person.Copy !req
45. Me-me-me-me, me-me-me-me-meeee...Copy !req
46. Ah, there's the right pitch.
Um, I think that—Copy !req
47. Oh... hold that thought.Copy !req
48. I would LOVE to hear what you have to say.Copy !req
49. I don't think so, there, bowling ball.Copy !req
50. Well, you might as well spill it,
Carla tells me everything.Copy !req
51. Except, of course, about that curling
iron you have in your locker.Copy !req
52. It slipped!Copy !req
53. It's back!
Look, if it makes it easier...Copy !req
54. You can just pretend I'm Carla.Copy !req
55. I can totally do this.Copy !req
56. - Carla!
- Wha-at?Copy !req
57. I think that your fiancé is a self-involved,Copy !req
58. bobble-headed jock itch who is not good
enough for you. Not now, not ever.Copy !req
59. Carla, if your wedding ceremony's
gonna be in Spanish,Copy !req
60. then how will I know that
you're officially married?Copy !req
61. Because all my cousins will throw tortillas
in the air and fire their guns.Copy !req
62. Really?Copy !req
63. God, I wish I was ethnic!Copy !req
64. "It's always hard to work with
terminally ill patients."Copy !req
65. Ted's helping Maggie with her will.Copy !req
66. Thanks again, Ted. How'd you get
through sixty pages so quickly?Copy !req
67. Well, Miss Hibersol, it helps to not
really know what you're doing.Copy !req
68. Stop it, Ted!
You're a great lawyer.Copy !req
69. OhOhh, I love her.Copy !req
70. Maggie, you seem...
so at peace with everything.Copy !req
71. There's really only one thing I'll regret...Copy !req
72. I'm thirty-eight years old and I'm a virgin.Copy !req
73. - Me too.
- Elliot!Copy !req
74. Sorry, sorry.Copy !req
75. It's just a reflex from college when I used to play
the tambourine in a Christian rock band.Copy !req
76. Which was... bull because everyone
was sleeping with everyone.Copy !req
77. - Sorry.
- That's okay.Copy !req
78. I guess I was just waiting for someone
special, and now I feel like...Copy !req
79. I've missed out on one of the fundamental
experiences of life for no good reason, you know?Copy !req
80. Is there anything we can do?Copy !req
81. Don't people sometimes pay for sex?Copy !req
82. Oh, boy, do they.Copy !req
83. I slept with Jenny Johnson's older
brother in high school,Copy !req
84. and then he decided to tell all of his friends
what my orgasm face looked like.Copy !req
85. Then three of them posed like that for their
yearbook photos! Paid for that one for years.Copy !req
86. Elliot, I think she means pay
"money" for sex.Copy !req
87. Oh, I got a story about that,
too... not about...Copy !req
88. Me, though, my mom...Copy !req
89. She gets lonely.Copy !req
90. Isn't it great being so comfortable with
someone, you don't have to talk?Copy !req
91. Hmm.Copy !req
92. Anyway, the point is, silence is awesome.Copy !req
93. I'm sorry, I'm just a little preoccupied.Copy !req
94. I accidentally walked in on my sister
and Perry this morning.Copy !req
95. Can you imagine?Copy !req
96. Relax, Newbie, the gimp is chained up.Copy !req
97. Be careful, though, Randall got loose.Copy !req
98. Who?Copy !req
99. Why?Copy !req
100. Powerful tiny fists...Copy !req
101. I gotta get out of there.Copy !req
102. You think maybe I could crash at your house?Copy !req
103. Sure. Just bring your own toilet paper.Copy !req
104. It's... kind of a little rule we
have with our guests.Copy !req
105. Preferably something two-ply!Copy !req
106. How's it going, Danni?Copy !req
107. Great. I'm crashing at your place tonight.Copy !req
108. Oh, cool...
Bring toilet paper.Copy !req
109. I already told her.Copy !req
110. How'd you get Dr. Cox to like you?Copy !req
111. - Dr. Cox said he liked me!
- No, you're missing the point...Copy !req
112. I need to know three things immediately:
Where was he when he said it,Copy !req
113. What inflection did he use,
and had he been drinking?Copy !req
114. You know what, I don't care
about the third one,Copy !req
115. Sometimes when you've been drinking
you're the most truthful.Copy !req
116. Okay, look, I know Carla's gonna have
her little pre-wedding panic attack,Copy !req
117. and what if she has her good ol' buddy Dr. Cox
there to tell her what a jackass I am, huh?Copy !req
118. Then what?Copy !req
119. You know what?
I'm glad he was drunk.Copy !req
120. Thank you.Copy !req
121. How was the liquor store, big guy?Copy !req
122. What're you talking about?Copy !req
123. Your six-pack.
Much love!Copy !req
124. I don't know what you're talking
about, there, butch.Copy !req
125. I don't know if you're sucking up
to me or making a pass at me...Copy !req
126. But I say you skip it and we continue
in our state of mutual disdain.Copy !req
127. Dr. Cox, you got it all wrong, man!Copy !req
128. I don't disdain you! It's quite
the opposite, I "dain" you.Copy !req
129. Yeah. I think if you get to know me better,
you just might "dain" me, too.Copy !req
130. Here that's interesting.Copy !req
131. Of course, it's gibberish, but it's—it's interesting
nonetheless. I'm gonna go ahead and...Copy !req
132. Pass, and here's why:Copy !req
133. You're a typical surgeon, and as a rule you guys
are insensitive and egotistical and you...Copy !req
134. Have the sense of humor of
about a fourth grader.Copy !req
135. That's just not true.Copy !req
136. Who wants to touch my giant balls?Copy !req
137. Well, your kidneys healed up
enough to release you,Copy !req
138. but no sparring in karate
class for two months.Copy !req
139. Two months!
That's a real punch in the crotch!Copy !req
140. Randall, could you stop using that expression?
Because I can't get it out of my head.Copy !req
141. Ladies, explain to me why...Copy !req
142. You are so concerned with my policy on
patients having sex in the hospital.Copy !req
143. - No reason!
- Just curious!Copy !req
144. - Trying to learn.
- I love you... sir.Copy !req
145. Well, why don't we make it the same
as my sex policy with my wife:Copy !req
146. Absolutely not!
Now make me a sandwich.Copy !req
147. So, you and Jordan had a kid.Copy !req
148. Parenthood's pretty amazing.Copy !req
149. Tell you what, you're all set. Some peon
from surgery's gonna come down here...Copy !req
150. and do your pre-op and then
you're good to go.Copy !req
151. Room service.
Who ordered the liver?Copy !req
152. - Jackass!Copy !req
153. - Bite me.Copy !req
154. Great guy!Copy !req
155. Hey, Laverne, my girlfriend's coming by, would
you mind giving her the keys to my apartment?Copy !req
156. You know, I shacked up with a
man before I was married, too.Copy !req
157. His name was Jesus.Copy !req
158. Our generation has the exact same
morals and values as yours.Copy !req
159. Come on, Elliot!
Let's go find ourselves a man-whore!Copy !req
160. See ya.Copy !req
161. You know, but she's not moving in permanently.
She's just crashing for a while.Copy !req
162. - Mm-hmm.
- About a year ago, Jordan said she wanted to...Copy !req
163. "crash for a while."
Now my office is a nursery,Copy !req
164. Ly closet is my office, my clothes are in the
entertainment center, and my TV is in the john...Copy !req
165. Which I guess is kind of nice...
I don't even know anymore.Copy !req
166. Same thing happened to me.
After my divorce,Copy !req
167. I told Mariana I was going to crash
at her place for a few weeks,Copy !req
168. and we've been sharing
a bed for eight years.Copy !req
169. Isn't Mariana your mother?Copy !req
170. Hey, who are we talking about
here, you or me?Copy !req
171. Lookit, here's the rule,
there, porn-Copy !req
172. The moment her toothbrush hits your sink,
you've got yourself a permanent roomie.Copy !req
173. How long will you be staying?Copy !req
174. For a while.Copy !req
175. Mmmmm, downy soft.Copy !req
176. There'll be toilet paper everywhere!Copy !req
177. - Gotta go.
- Hey, uh...Copy !req
178. Real sorry about the whole
mom situation, there.Copy !req
179. - She has cold toes.
- Aw, Ted, don't be that guy!Copy !req
180. What guy?Copy !req
181. What guyyyy?Copy !req
182. This is so exciting!Copy !req
183. The closest I've ever come to breaking
the law was in sixth grade,Copy !req
184. when Alex Peterson sold his mom's
Virginia Slims out of his guest house.Copy !req
185. - Wow! Was he a Blood or a Crip?
- He was Lutheran.Copy !req
186. This is it! This is it!
Stop the car! Stop the car.Copy !req
187. Keep the meter running,
we'll be right back.Copy !req
188. Ohh! What a rush!Copy !req
189. I mean, I have never slept with a prostitute
before, but if it is half as much fun as buying one,Copy !req
190. - Sign me up!
- Hey!Copy !req
191. Quiet down back there!Copy !req
192. Sorry. Heh...Copy !req
193. Now, even though I won't be
performing the transplant,Copy !req
194. I am a key member of the surgical team.Copy !req
195. It's too complicated to explain what
it is I do, but in layman's terms I...Copy !req
196. I guess you'd call it "watching."Copy !req
197. - Could you excuse me one second?
- Sure.Copy !req
198. I taught him that!Copy !req
199. - Well struck, Barry.
- Huh... Heh...Copy !req
200. Let's, let's finish up here, okay?Copy !req
201. - Have you, uh, been smoking?
- No, sir.Copy !req
202. - Drinking?
- Nope! Oh...Copy !req
203. I had a couple of glasses of champagne
at my daughter's wedding last month.Copy !req
204. - But a little champagne's no big deal, huh?
- Naaahhhh...Copy !req
205. Look. Barry... Barry's a...
he's a great guy.Copy !req
206. Yeah. I totally forgot the rule to the
transplant list is no drinking...Copy !req
207. - Unless Cox says you're a great guy.
- Come on, pally...Copy !req
208. Guy's been on the transplant list for three
stinkin' years, this is a no-brainer.Copy !req
209. You're right.Copy !req
210. He's out.Copy !req
211. See, this is why you shouldn't get emotionally
invested in your patients.Copy !req
212. Now when the dark prince does
finally call you home, please...Copy !req
213. Promise me that you'll donate your
body to science. And I don't...Copy !req
214. mean medical science,
I mean NASA.Copy !req
215. Because when those buzz-cuts have all
but given up on trying to figure out...Copy !req
216. Just exactly what a black hole is,Copy !req
217. and they get one look at that space where
your heart was supposed to be...Copy !req
218. well by-gum, you know they're just
gonna say: "Awwww, shucks!"Copy !req
219. "That's what it is!"Copy !req
220. Hey, champ! What has two thumbs
and doesn't give a crap?Copy !req
221. Bob Kelso.
How ya doin'.Copy !req
222. "All right, you're just gonna have
to tell her she can't move in."Copy !req
223. "It's no big deal, it's not like she
has the keys yet."Copy !req
224. "God, I'm horrible at giving bad news!"Copy !req
225. "Wait a sec, I'm a doctor,
I give bad news all the time."Copy !req
226. "Just like I did with Mr. Clark this morning."Copy !req
227. "Who does his daughter
always remind me of?"Copy !req
228. "Molly Ringwald! Heh."Copy !req
229. "Man, she was good in 'The Breakfast Club'.
I should rent that again."Copy !req
230. "Come on! Focus!
You have to tell her!"Copy !req
231. "God, I need something to get me out of it!
Anything!"Copy !req
232. Hello...Copy !req
233. Yes, this IS J.D.!Copy !req
234. I'd LOVE to pick you up at jail!Copy !req
235. - Slim, what are you in for?
- Robbery.Copy !req
236. - Prostitution!
- Would you please stop enjoying this so much?Copy !req
237. Photo-op!
Slammer!Copy !req
238. You need to get your arm off me before...Copy !req
239. - I throw that phone of yours up in the street.
- Why you gotta be playa-hatin'?Copy !req
240. Konnichiwa!Copy !req
241. So who wants to tell me what happened?Copy !req
242. Lucy?
Ethel?Copy !req
243. Ohhh, hey Dr. Turk, you old...Copy !req
244. Turtle-headed pain in the ass. Aw!Copy !req
245. Dammit all, Perry, that is SO not what
you came down here to say!Copy !req
246. Now you're BETTER than that!
Turn the car around!Copy !req
247. Oh, so the worm has turned, huh?Copy !req
248. Don't bother. That's what's wrong
with you medical guys...Copy !req
249. You...Copy !req
250. Never...
Know...Copy !req
251. When... To...
Face reality and realize that things...Copy !req
252. Are never gonna change between us!Copy !req
253. Hell yeah!Copy !req
254. Mm, it's so nice to have real food again.Copy !req
255. Elliot, they didn't even feed us.Copy !req
256. I love how much you guys
care about your patients.Copy !req
257. Wow, Danni is so sweet.Copy !req
258. - What am I worried about?
- You know, Jordan and I are from around here...Copy !req
259. And our friend Chuck's a stripper?
I'm sure he knows tons of guys...Copy !req
260. that would love to have
sex with your patient.Copy !req
261. "What the hell! What's it gonna be
like when she's at my place!"Copy !req
262. Danni! Can you have the guys practice
in the other room, please?Copy !req
263. Stop being such a fuddy-duddy!Copy !req
264. Now, who haven't I slept with yet?Copy !req
265. There'll be banana hammocks everywhere!Copy !req
266. Let's roll.Copy !req
267. Excellent work, everyone.Copy !req
268. Nurse, I know you're new here,
so I wanted to offer you...Copy !req
269. the chance to assist me in a bypass later.Copy !req
270. And by that I mean we'd bypass the
kissing and go straight to the...Copy !req
271. Oh, my God, you're a dude?Copy !req
272. Sorry, Larry.Copy !req
273. Aw, I feel so bad.Copy !req
274. Look, I'll make it up to him.
I will hook him up with...Copy !req
275. that chick!Copy !req
276. - Dude, that's Larry again.
- Ohhh!Copy !req
277. Oh, hello, and welcome to McSurgeon's.
May I take your order?Copy !req
278. "Yeah, I was thinking about getting
a simple operation..."Copy !req
279. "with no unexpected complications, please?"Copy !req
280. Oh, gosh, here I'm sorry, we're
fresh out of those. But...Copy !req
281. If you have a child, maybe you'd like
to try one of our Infection Meals!Copy !req
282. That'll be seven thousand dollars
please pay at the second window.Copy !req
283. - You know, I'm really getting sick of this...
- Oh! I'm sorry! Are you talking?Copy !req
284. Because I've decided to keep
my finger on the button,Copy !req
285. so I actually can't hear anything
that's going on in there.Copy !req
286. But, for fairness' sake, I've decided to do
your end of the conversation.Copy !req
287. It goes a little something like this:Copy !req
288. "Blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, cool
hip-hop lingo, blah-blah, blah-blah-blah."Copy !req
289. Anyway, I've come up with a whole
new plan about Mr. Iverson.Copy !req
290. If you wanna take that liver away from him...Copy !req
291. just because you and I are having
some kind of personal beef...Copy !req
292. Then you go and tell the man yourself.Copy !req
293. Don't worry, sweetheart, this'll
all be over in a second.Copy !req
294. Please stop.Copy !req
295. Oh! It's the hips that fool me.Copy !req
296. Hmm! Can't believe Chuck gave up stripping
to become a city councilman!Copy !req
297. - Same job, different outfit.
- Pff! True dat!Copy !req
298. Elliot! You ain't as ghetto as
ya think y'are, 'kay?Copy !req
299. Let's go see how Maggie's doing.Copy !req
300. Can I help you?Copy !req
301. No.Copy !req
302. He told me to say hi.Copy !req
303. That's Stephanie,
our new transplant patient.Copy !req
304. Oh. And you picked her, so I'm
quite sure she is so very nice.Copy !req
305. No, actually she's alienated every
member of my surgical team.Copy !req
306. Sweetheart, you're not
even ON the surgical team.Copy !req
307. I am a very important part of the team that...Copy !req
308. I am a very important part of the team, thankyouverymuch.Copy !req
309. I see, so what,
that's... that's it?Copy !req
310. You say she gets the liver and
that's the way it goes?Copy !req
311. No, she gets the liver because
she followed the rules.Copy !req
312. Dr. Cox, I know it's really hard
on you medical guys,Copy !req
313. because you spend most of your
time with your patients...Copy !req
314. And you get emotionally attached.
But as a surgeon...Copy !req
315. The person I'm closest to is the
guy who's giving us the liver...Copy !req
316. Because it's a gift...Copy !req
317. And I think it's important that it goes to the person
that's proven they're up to the responsibility.Copy !req
318. Holy cow, I get it.Copy !req
319. I gotta collect myself for a moment, here.
That's very touching.Copy !req
320. You know I'm right.Copy !req
321. "Sometimes we forget that rules
are there for a reason."Copy !req
322. "Other times, well..."Copy !req
323. - Uh, she's sleeping, sir.
- So?Copy !req
324. You know, there's cupcakes down in Pediatrics!Copy !req
325. "Other times, rules are meant to be broken."Copy !req
326. - You are so beautiful.
- That was worth the wait!Copy !req
327. You are a stallion!Copy !req
328. "And once in a while, you have to throw
all the rules out the window..."Copy !req
329. "and know that everything's gonna be okay."Copy !req
330. I feel really good about this!Copy !req
331. Me too!Copy !req
332. "Or not."Copy !req
333. "Of course, some rules are just plain silly."Copy !req
334. Ya got big plans for tonight?Copy !req
335. It's Turk's stupid rule,
I don't wanna talk about it.Copy !req
336. Hey! You never told me what
you really think of Turk.Copy !req
337. He is a complete tool...Copy !req
338. But I suppose you could do a lot worse.Copy !req
339. Thanks...Copy !req
340. Bye.Copy !req
341. Boberman.Copy !req