Scrubs 3x1

Directed by Bill Lawrence

Sam Lloyd as Ted Buckland • Aloma Wright as Laverne Roberts • Scott Foley as Sean Kelly • Sean Whalen as Laddy • Lee Arenberg as Dr. Moyer

A run-in with her old flame Sean and an accident in her new car lead Elliot to the realization that nothing good has happened to her in the three years that she has been at Sacred Heart. This realization drives her to take drastic measures, including a complete makeover, both inside and out, in an attempt to change her luck. Meanwhile, J.D. gets stuck with a patient, whose diagnosis he can't quite pin down, and when Dr. Cox denies him any assistance, he looks to Carla and Turk to help him out. While Dr. Cox is busy not helping J.D., he takes the time to make amends with Dr. Kelso.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Before I go into that building and start my day,

2. I always like to take a quiet moment to prepare myself.

3. Well I guess it would be nice if I could touch your body

4. not you, sir...

5. I know not everybody has got a body like you

6. Dude, what's the rule about white boys dancing in public?

7. Not allowed unless you're gay.

8. Morning, Steven

9. Fine. Then I'll just put on something that rocks!

10. As a third-year resident, you know everyone so well you can practically speak for them.

11. For instance...

12. No more dancing.

13. Pow!

14. Good morning, Bambi. Sign this, please?

15. Who you eyeballing, tough guy?

16. And of course...

17. Well, Zsa Zsa. Now you've put me in quite the pickle. You see

18. with those earphones on, you can't hear me, but!

19. The odds are highly against you cracking open that yapper and annoying me today.

20. So, what to do? What to do? What to do? Ahh, hell...

21. Stop addressing me as "Dr. Cox" in front of your patients.

22. When they find out my actual name, they tend to page me with questions

23. when they realize just exactly how inept you really are. Oh, and as

24. an added safety measure, from now on, I'll only be responding

25. to "Doc,"Doctor,"Ceasar," or "The Big Cheese;" and noooo,

26. I'm _not_ joking. Not _now_ - not ever.

27. See, things never really change around here.

28. Surgical and Medical still play each other in basketball.

29. I'm gonna toast you so bad, your momma ain't even gonna recognize you!

30. Yeah? Well I heard that your sister started drinking again!

31. I'm still not great at smack-talk.

32. So, it's not supposed to be true?

33. No. Ohhh, let it pour, big guy.

34. And Elliot was still searching for something to turn things around for her.

35. Oh, my God! Isn't she beautiful! I mean, this car

36. has totally maxed out my credit, but my self-esteem's been so low lately

37. that I think it's worth it. Don't you?

38. I just deliver the cars. She's all yours.

39. Frick!

40. But really, the only difference is that by the third year, nothing catches you by surprise.

41. Mrs. Farr is still having acute abdominal pain.

42. So, what's wrong with me, doctor?

43. Oh, good Lord, I have no idea. Okay, don't panic, just do

44. what all doctors do in this situation and fake a page.

45. Uh-oh. Got a Code 3 down the hall.

46. What's that?

47. Uhhh, Code 3? Not as bad as a Code 4, but a hell of a lot worse

48. than a Code 2.

49. _That's_ a Code 2.

50. SCRUBS 3x01 MY AMERICAN GIRL

51. Ahh, I cannot figure out what's wrong with Mrs. Farr. I gotta go ask Cox.

52. Why won't you ask me?

53. You're a surgeon - you just cut people up, you don't actually know anything.

54. Oh, yeah.

55. Dr Cox! Dr Cox...

56. Big Cheese.

57. Yes?

58. If you're wondering why Dr. Kelso's nose is squeaking...

59. about a week ago, he was torturing Elliot...

60. and Dr. Cox, well...

61. Needless to say, there were consequences.

62. Perry, great news: I managed to swing it so

63. that you get to go over to the state pen today and do the annual inmates' physicals!

64. Well, hell's bells, Bobbo, if you want to fire me,

65. just do it!

66. I would, but even though this room was quite crowded when

67. you sucker-punched me, apparently nobody saw it happen.

68. Uh, so what happened, sir?

69. So, Dr. Cox, can you, uh, look at her chart?

70. Newbie, did you not see what just happened? Kelso is so

71. far up my ass that I can taste Brylcreem in the back of my throat.

72. And you, you're... you're third-year now.

73. Wake up, this whole Dr. Cox riding in to The Rescue part of the show

74. is _over_.

75. Oh, you're on your own.

76. Elliot's unlucky streak continued with the head of the radiology department.

77. Dr. Moyer. Uh, you told me my patient had colitis, and it turns out

78. it was just traveler's diarrhea?

79. So? Sounds like good news.

80. Yeah... He took it as bad news, maybe 'cause of the unnecessary

81. colonoscope I shoved three feet up his pooper?

82. What do you want me to do?

83. Uh, apologize to my patient and tell him it was your mistake, no big deal?

84. Think I'm gonna pass on that one. See, I got you pegged as one of those

85. spineless types that's not gonna cause me any trouble no matter what I do.

86. So, thanks for stopping by

87. and don't forget your car door.

88. I just didn't want it to get stolen, okay?

89. That was me not caring.

90. What?

91. Now that we can always hear Dr. Kelso coming,

92. some people have modified their work habits.

93. So, you're engaged to that surgeon guy?

94. Mm-hmm.

95. Is it serious?

96. No, Ted. We swing.

97. Squeaky's a-comin'!

98. Oh, hey, Bob-cat! Listen, I was hoping

99. that maybe you could get someone to cover for me out at the prison tonight.

100. I know that the very idea of you doing a favor for me makes those ass cheeks

101. clench up so tight that you could shovea lump of coal up there

102. and probably crap out a diamond! Right?

103. Ohh... Come on, Bob, I can't even remember the last time

104. I saw my son, and you - you - you're a father, for God's sake,

105. you understand, don't you?

106. My son was recently kicked out of his Hari Krishna sect

107. for being too much of a hippie, and is currently residing in the Portland subway system.

108. The point, Perry, is that the only thing I care less about than my son...

109. is your son. Have fun at the Big House.

110. Hey. You guys know that unbelievably handsome new anesthesiologist?

111. Yes... ... No...

112. No.

113. Well, he didn't know I was engaged, so he

114. asked me out to a movie tonight.

115. Well, if he's paying, give a brother some Snow Caps!

116. Turk, why don't you ever get jealous?

117. Woman, look at me! How can someone with all of this here

118. be jealous of any of that out there!

119. You know what I realized when I was dragging my car door around?

120. I cannot remember the last good thing that happened to me at this place. I mean,

121. what is it about me that makes everybody walk all over me?

122. No self-confidence.

123. You could be a baby sometimes.

124. Your voice gets really high when you're upset.

125. Rhetorical question, okay?

126. Now I'm getting smoothies. Who wants one?

127. Peach Fizzle-Vizzle? I'll have a Razz-ma-Tazz?

128. Orange Goo Goo.

129. Got it.

130. Mrs. Farr. You know what? The only way I'm gonna figure out

131. what's wrong with this woman is start running tests for everything.

132. Good luck, Bambi. Look at the time.

133. In a hospital, you can never try to get anything done

134. Friday after 5 P.M. Because anyone

135. who can actually help you is out of here like a gunshot.

136. Hello? Anyone?

137. Have a good weekend, Steven.

138. Sean?

139. Hey, Elliot! How you - - how you doing?

140. You look great!

141. Except, the buzz-cut has kind of tapped into this recurring dream I have

142. where my dad makes me marry this army colonel named Johnny Case who,

143. as it turns out, already has a wife in the Philippines.

144. Anyways, she and I become friends,

145. but then she smothers him with her thighs and then frames me for it.

146. Well, yeah, I'm - I'm doing about the same, too.

147. I thought you hated this place 'cause of that time you -

148. - you got sick here?

149. You remember that?

150. Y-you got sick on my face...

151. Oh, no, that wasn't the smoothies - you just said you thought you were

152. falling in love with me, and sometimes when I get really uncomfortable I hurl.

153. I know, I get - I get a little, uh... gassy.

154. Look, Sean, this is gonna sound weird, but - this is fate!

155. I mean, things have just been so bleak for me lately, and I've been waiting

156. for something - someone - to come along, you know? And... here you are.

157. The one that got away!

158. That means something, right?

159. Yeah, I think it, uh...

160. Hello!

161. Hey. Hi. Oh!

162. No, no, no, no! It's okay. It's ok - it's...

163. That girl is extra-strength crazy.

164. I don't know, I mean, she's a doctor, she's gotta have it

165. a little bit together, right?

166. Elliot, your smoothies are on your car.

167. Double frick!

168. I was trying to keep things positive with Mrs. Farr.

169. I don't think you'll be having breakfast with us tomorrow.

170. Why, am I going home tonight?

171. No, the cook died.

172. What the hell am I gonna do?

173. Hey.

174. She wanted to come back and help. And I wasn't gonna let my baby

175. be here all alone with all sorts of guys eyeballing her privates and whatnot.

176. If you can't muster up some sincere jealousy, don't even bother.

177. I got everyone's smoothies. They were out of Orange Goo Goo.

178. How can we help, Bambi?

179. Okay, if we're ever gonna figure out what's wrong with that lady,

180. we need to get a whole bunch of tests done.

181. There's nothing wrong with needing your friends

182. to take care of someone... It's better than missing out on your family

183. because you're stuck making new friends...

184. That's, uh, that's my son.

185. He's adorable. Can I keep it?

186. No, no you - you certainly may not!

187. Bad man.

188. Still, even that's not the worst...

189. 'Kay, I'll get the x-ray, you two go work on the echo-cardiogram, and then

190. all three of us will meet back here and deal with the abdominal CAT-scan, okay?

191. Got'cha. - Mm-hmm.

192. Well, what can I do? - We got it, Elliot.

193. Being such a mess that your friends don't even ask for your help?

194. That's the bottom of the barrel.

195. Sometimes in life, all there is to do is ponder your own shortcomings

196. by cannon-balling four straight 32-ounce, protein-enhanced smoothies.

197. You'll be okay, Marshmallow.

198. Laverne, do you call me "Marshmallow" because I'm soft and easily flattened?

199. Well, yeah... But, if it makes you feel any better, it's also because you're

200. _very_ white.

201. Where the hell's Ted?

202. Hundred and nine is my record.

203. Da-amn!

204. Look, I know you're the only x-ray tech on tonight, all right?

205. But I just need a quick abdominal scan to make sure

206. Mrs. Farr doesn't have an obstruction.

207. Uh-uh-uh!

208. Don't want to know who they are! Don't want to know how they're doing!

209. Just wanna go "click-click!" and get 'em out of here!

210. Now, your lady's about forty people down on the list.

211. And as always, uh, there are no cutsies.

212. Damn!

213. Look, uhh... There's gotta be something I can do.

214. See, because of the way I laid on top of you, I can tell people

215. this is an x-ray of Siamese twins! How cool is that!

216. It's so cool, Laddy, let's never talk to anyone about it, ever!

217. I don't understand how you think you can get this cardiologist

218. to do an echo-cardiogram for us.

219. I've worked in the Cath. Lab before - - I understand how these guys think.

220. Plus I had a one-nighter with him a long time ago.

221. Okay! Oh-ho-ho! You're telling me this guy in here got tasty treats?

222. Turk! I worked here eight years before you showed up -

223. - I had sexual needs.

224. Okay, first of all, that's disgusting.

225. Are you jealous?

226. Nahhh...

227. Ahhh, so you don't mind if I go in there alone.

228. Thank you.

229. So, Mitchell, I guess I was just hoping that

230. you would help us out with this patient, Mrs. Farr.

231. Carla, love to, really, but, uh, it's already six

232. and it's my son's birthday tonight.

233. How old is he?

234. He's ten.

235. And how long ago was that night that you told me

236. you were single and you took me dancing...?

237. Eight years. I'll see you in the patient's room.

238. All taken care of.

239. How is that funny?

240. Don't you love the outfit?

241. You know, I always wanted to be the father of a tiny gay sailor.

242. Jordan, come on, we agreed that we would wait until he's quite a bit older

243. before we started systematically ruining his life, right?

244. Right?

245. I may have painted his toenails for funsies.

246. Dr. Cox, I managed to get some tests done on Mrs. Farr...

247. Look, Gwyneth, you're old enough now to hear this from me:

248. Every time I go out of my way to help you children

249. I get nothing but trouble. Now this is the first five-minute window

250. I've had in the last week to be with my son. And I'm just not gonna

251. have you pirouetting around in here while my heart is breaking inside.

252. Sorry.

253. Your heart is breaking inside? That is so embarrassing for you!

254. Thank you for that.

255. What are you doing in here!

256. It's... the men's room.

257. I know! I mean, it's not like I thought those were some kind

258. of new female urinals, and then tried them, and found them

259. oddly comfortable...

260. I'm just gonna replace these, uh, urinal cakes, and then,

261. uh, I'll go.

262. Why can't I just grow up?

263. Why can't I be stronger?

264. Janitor? Have you ever looked at yourself and wished

265. that you were different in every single way?

266. No... I'm a winner. But, I will tell you something

267. that my grandmother told me when I was a kid

268. even though at the time I though she was my mother.

269. She said: "Time spent wishing - is time wasted."

270. Now, she died shortly after that, and my sister - who

271. actually _was_ my mother - she never got over it.

272. Neither did my brother-dad. But the point is this:

273. If you want to be different, then be different!

274. Thank you.

275. Well, we're all under one roof here,

276. we gotta watch out for each other, right? Come on!

277. There he is.

278. Watch out.

279. Unfortunately, that's when we ran into a brick wall.

280. I'm head of the radiology department. You call me in from home to do

281. an abdominal CAT-scan that could wait until Monday morning? Well, guess what?

282. It's not happening.

283. Look, Dr. Moyer-

284. THESE ARE MY MACHINES!

285. Sir-

286. MY MACHINES!

287. Whose machines?

288. MY MACHINES!

289. How is that helpful?

290. THEY'RE MINE! MINE! MY MACHINES! MY MACHINES! MY MACHINES! MY MACHINES!--

291. MY MACHINES!

292. Oh, so you're going to sock me again. Good God, Perry, at a certain point

293. you're just beating up an old man.

294. Relax. I'm just fixing your nose.

295. Now, I'm real sorry I cold-cocked you, there, Bob -

296. I shouldn't have done that. Even if it did actually feel so damn good

297. I changed my pants afterwards.

298. But, still, I'm starting to think it would be smart

299. if you and I were to bury the hatchet. What do you say, there, Bob?

300. Come, on, handsome!

301. Listen up, ace: You will always be a royal pain in my ass,

302. and I will always be waiting for the day when I get to jam

303. that knife into your side once and for all, and you know it as well as I do!

304. Much better, thanks!

305. You're welcome.

306. People don't change, Perry.

307. So you're just gonna roll over and give up like you always do?

308. Or are you finally gonna get mad and do something about it?

309. MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE!

310. Dr. Moyer, you're gonna give Mrs. Farr the abdominal CAT-scan,

311. and I'll tell you why: You remember that colon patient of mine

312. that you screwed up on? Well I'm gonna tell him exactly

313. whose fault that was, and then I'm gonna spend every waking second

314. helping him figure out how to physically and financially bitch-slap you,

315. even if the end result is that we both get our asses fired. Your move, chuckles.

316. Bring her down.

317. Elliot! - Hell, yeah!

318. Wow.

319. It feels good to work as a team and gather all the pieces of the puzzle together

320. so we can finally look Mrs. Farr in the face and tell her...

321. we still don't know what the hell she has.

322. Dammit, why can't we figure out what's wrong with this lady?

323. All right, you guys. What do you know so far?

324. The echo ruled out an aortic dissection.

325. The abdominal CT would have shown if it was biliary disease.

326. Think. What's her background?

327. Persian Sephardic Jew.

328. Aw, come on, you guys, gimme a break - you know this.

329. Familial Mediterranean fever.

330. Atta boy.

331. I'm actually grateful most things don't change.

332. Hello, slackers!

333. My paddle's stuck in me!

334. Not only is the status quo good for work,

335. it's also somewhat comforting.

336. Now, I would've never figured it out unless you guys had done the leg work.

337. You four deserve all the credit, really.

338. Mrs. Farr, Dr. Cox has saved the day! Don't ya just love it?

339. Come here!

340. And if something does change, more often than not it just reminds you

341. of feelings you've had all along.

342. You look beautiful.

343. Like I said, once you hit the third year,

344. there aren't a lot of surprises.

345. Hey, Elliot.

346. Hey!

347. What are you doing here?

348. Damn.