Scrubs 2x6

Directed by Michael Spiller

Aloma Wright as Laverne Roberts • Natalie Farrey as Employee • Susan Grace as Woman • Lyla Graham as Old Mother • Kelly McCracken as Patient

J.D.'s brother is in town. Turk is thrown out of a patient's funeral for not knowing his name and feels even worse because earlier he made a bet with Dr. Cox over another patient's life.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Even close friends disagree about decisions.

2. - How about this one? - You want a clear shower curtain?

3. Why not just nude up in the living room and spray me down?

4. If you're gonna be self-conscious I could doodle in chest hairs

5. where you'd stand.

6. I have a chest hair. I named him Clancy.

7. - And then it happened. - Can I help you, sir?

8. Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir?

9. - I can't believe she called me sir. - She called me mister.

10. - Maybe it's because you're bald. - I'm not bald. I shave my head.

11. - Well, then let it grow back. - Careful, honey.

12. - Mm. - We're practically kids.

13. What are you doing for Halloween tomorrow?

14. We used to dress up as pigs and hit every bar in town.

15. You have not lived until you've seen a drunken pig do the robot.

16. Not what you used to do, what you're doing this Halloween.

17. - We got plans. - Big plans.

18. - Watch TV and sleep. - Yeah, pretty much.

19. - I may take a bath first. - Bubbles?

20. Give me some.

21. It was sad 'cause I was starting to think I'd never feel like a kid again.

22. Ahh, hey, hey, hey, little brother!

23. It's the headlocking Dan.

24. - What the hell are you doing here? - It's funny, Vivian.

25. I was about to ask you the same question,

26. seeing as I paged you four minutes and 38 seconds ago.

27. This is my big brother Dan. He showed up unexpected.

28. Four minutes and 44 seconds.

29. Whoa, easy there, Chief.

30. Have one of those nurses pour you a big glass of calm-down juice.

31. Dan, um... Mm-mm.

32. It's so interesting, I found I couldn't sleep last night,

33. so to pass the time, I made a list of things that annoy me more than you.

34. I came up with people who call Wednesdays "hump day,"

35. and, of course, all Sandra Bullock movies.

36. But now I'm thrilled to announce, your brother tops...

37. Hey, Chief, does this speech have an intermission?

38. I got to take a whiz.

39. Actually, I'm not so keen on nicknames

40. from guys that barely know me.

41. Actually, why don't you tell me what you are keen on?

42. - Oh, Dan, no. - Where's the crapper?

43. What brings you to town?

44. Some guy hired me to fly here, drive his Mercedes back.

45. It's an easy way to pick up some extra cash.

46. Plus you get to hang out with Bambi.

47. Maybe he'll let that go.

48. - Bambi? - It's a term only Carla uses.

49. I respect that, Bambi.

50. That's smart. You do not want to get on his bad side

51. and suffer the wrath of Bambi.

52. Why are you here?

53. Room 310's tests came back negative.

54. I thought you'd want to give him the news.

55. - Let me do it. - What?

56. - I can be a doctor. - I can't let you tell him.

57. I won't call you Bambi anymore.

58. It was touch and go for a while.

59. You're a fighter. You pulled through.

60. We'll get you out of here today. But keep an eye on those wrinkles.

61. - Wrinkles is my last name. - You bet it is. Do you have kids?

62. - Two. - That's what I'm saying.

63. Keep on eye on the little Wrinkles. Children are our future.

64. Doctor, it's an emergency. We need you.

65. Damn it, Bambi, I'm busy.

66. So hard to find a good male nurse these days. Am I right?

67. Dan wasn't just the captain of every team.

68. He was like the mayor of our high school.

69. The jocks dug him, the burn-outs dug him,

70. - the nerds worshipped him. - What about you?

71. - He mentioned the nerds. - Why hurt me?

72. I thought I'd be cool in high school,

73. then my dad made me play tuba in the band

74. and I developed massive forearms.

75. Half-way through the prom, my gloves exploded like I was the Incredible Hulk.

76. I think it's sexy to dance with a woman who can lift her partner over her head.

77. It's nice when your friends and family click.

78. It makes you feel like... Wait, is she still laughing?

79. There it is.

80. Huh?

81. Stop your stupid laughing. It makes you look like a whore!

82. Joking.

83. I appreciate everything you did for my husband.

84. The funeral's tomorrow and I'd love it if you attended.

85. Unfortunately, I'm in surgery all day.

86. But, still, I'm sorry for your loss.

87. Dodging the funeral? Nice.

88. Excuse me?

89. Just a veteran move from the baby-faced sophomore.

90. The whole "I'm sorry for your loss" thing

91. was a little Hallmarky,

92. but darn it all if you're not showing just a ton of promise.

93. If I could be there, I'd be there.

94. Wait a second. You treated him, right?

95. So you should want to go too. Right?

96. Hey, Gandhi, for your information,

97. I attended that poor vegetable's funeral

98. every time I set foot in his room over the last six weeks.

99. Thank God the family finally moved him to surgery

100. where you guys were good enough to help him kick that nasty oxygen habit he had.

101. That's great. Make jokes.

102. I wish I could be an insensitive, cynical robodoc like you,

103. but unfortunately, I don't hate the world enough.

104. You know what I'm saying, Chief?

105. Would people please stop calling me Chief?

106. Hey, numbnuts.

107. Dan, remember when we were kids and every Halloween

108. you used to try and scare the crap out of me?

109. Ahhh!

110. Yeah, I remember that.

111. So while I'm here we should play some frisbee golf,

112. maybe give Dad a call, and make sure I sleep with that Elliot chick.

113. That's a little weird for me 'cause...

114. I don't know if you know this or not... but, we used to be intimate.

115. Intimate? What did you do? Bathe her?

116. Yeah, once, but she was wearing a swimsuit.

117. I get it. I'll back off. It's gonna be tough.

118. She sounds kind of wild.

119. - Gsh, gshh. - Gsh, gsh.

120. Can't teach it.

121. Let's go. You got an opposable thumb. You can use it.

122. God, I hate Halloween.

123. Somebody needs to adjust their attitude if they want candy.

124. You mean the popcorn balls and the deformed lollipops?

125. Honestly, where do you get this crap anyway?

126. I made it. If you want name-brand candy, my fist is packed with peanuts.

127. Of course it is.

128. What's the matter? Did Raggedy Ann scare you?

129. What are you, a rat?

130. - Don't listen to him. - I never do.

131. So, Dr. Cox, your intern asked for a surgical consult on Mr. Carney.

132. - Yeah. - I suggest you do a fem-pop bypass.

133. Mr. Carney's a frail old man

134. who'd probably snap in half from a light sponge bath.

135. If we do surgery, we can improve his quality of life.

136. The guy's 1,000. Is he gonna take a steamer over to Europe

137. open a café and finally meet that 900-year-old girl of his dreams?

138. I've made my recommendation.

139. You've stood up for what you believe in and I respect that.

140. - 20 bucks says you kill him. - You're on.

141. You got it, baby.

142. Oh. I need some, uh, sugar over here.

143. Finally, can anyone tell me the dermatologic condition

144. associated with Rhinophyma? Dr. Murphy?

145. Could it be psoriasis?

146. And yet further proof that the clown costume is redundant.

147. If any of you other would-be revelers get the urge to dress up

148. on this, the mother of all non-holidays,

149. please consider me the razor blade in your caramel apple.

150. We're professionals, damn it!

151. You know, it's nothing personal, son,

152. you just make me sick.

153. He called me son! He called me son!

154. - Score. - Oh, yeah.

155. You going to lunch with your brother?

156. Yeah, I would've invited you, but I already made the reservation for two.

157. - So call and change it. - I'm not gonna mess with that hostess.

158. - She uses sharp tones. - Yeah, right.

159. Three seconds to give me the real reason I can't come, or I'm coming.

160. Three, two, one.

161. Because I need special time with my brother.

162. - Trick. - Excuse me?

163. I figure you got to be wondering am I gonna get a trick

164. or am I gonna get a treat?

165. - You'll be getting a trick. - Whatever.

166. It'll be fast and you won't even know it's me.

167. - You just told me it will be. - You'll still have your doubts.

168. The best part is you're gonna be nervous all day about it

169. 'cause it could happen at any time.

170. - Like now! - Ah!

171. That wasn't it. Fun, though.

172. False alarm, boys.

173. All right. Here we go, Mr. Carney.

174. Dr. Wen, I want you to stay focused, okay?

175. I want Dr. Wen to be Dr. Zen, man.

176. Christopher, after 15 years and over 10,000 surgeries,

177. I can do without the pep talk.

178. Message received, sir.

179. I believe in you.

180. So big deal, we're having lunch together. It doesn't have to be awkward.

181. - What's my bro like in the sack? - What?

182. You do not have to answer that.

183. If he tries hard, but there's room for improvement, sip your drink.

184. - Hey! - What? I was thirsty.

185. All right, oh, fine. Ask me if she could be better.

186. What? Thirsty.

187. I wasn't thirsty.

188. Stable condition.

189. What time is it? Time to dance.

190. - Whoo. Pay the man. - There you go.

191. Hello, Mr. Jackson.

192. I want to introduce you to the Washington brothers.

193. Y'all get nice and cozy up in my wallet.

194. Before you get too high on your horse, Tonto,

195. I feel it's my duty to remind you of a little something.

196. See, you just made a $20 bet

197. on whether a fellow human being would live or die.

198. Now tell me, just exactly how does that make you feel, Mr. Sensitive?

199. Pretty good? All the best.

200. So why'd you drive someone else's car across country?

201. It's a great way to make 300 bucks.

202. What do you do that you can take the time off?

203. - I tend bar. - But not just any bar. It's "the" bar.

204. When all the college kids come home, it's where they go.

205. - I go there when I'm home. - So you live in your home town?

206. Yeah. I take care of my mom's place so she let's me stay with her.

207. Dan, you don't stay with her.

208. Come on, he's not like Greg Brady in the attic

209. with beads for a door.

210. He totally has his own space.

211. More like Kirk Cameron in the last season of Growing Pains

212. when he lived above the garage with Boner. Anyone? No.

213. Am I the only one? Boner?

214. That's when I realized that even though I was jealous,

215. that's not why I was trying to keep Elliot and Dan apart.

216. Dan's doing great.

217. The real reason was that I was ashamed of my brother.

218. And I think he knew it too.

219. You two should probably get back to work.

220. These heated seats are amazing. They make my butt tingle.

221. Every time you say that, an angel gets their wings.

222. It's a sweet ride, but as J.D. has made clear, I could never afford this car.

223. Would you please just let it go?

224. - Um... so I'll see you. - Not if I see you first.

225. I knew my brother would handle this like he always did

226. when there was a deep emotional conflict between us.

227. - Can you work the windows from there? - No. Why?

228. Oh.

229. Oh, God...

230. Oh, please tell me that that was the horn.

231. - There's your heated seat, my friend. - Oh, God, it's everywhere.

232. Do you people have any idea how long I've been waiting on you?

233. Next time, if you're not here in 30 minutes,

234. I expect a free dead body or at least some garlic knots.

235. Dr. Kelso, I think that's extremely insensitive.

236. I don't think so. Miss Parker, you care to weigh in?

237. Nope, she's fine with it. And she knows a thing or two.

238. Except, of course, that a yellow light means to slow down.

239. You're not understanding what I'm trying to tell you.

240. - Kitty, this sucks. - How can I make it better?

241. - Thank you so much for coming. - We've been looking forward to this.

242. You know, ever since he... he died.

243. - Hey, you okay? - Yeah, why wouldn't I be?

244. You and your brother. The tension on the ride back to work was palpable.

245. I wanted to say something.

246. I was this close to getting back in the car.

247. That wouldn't have been wise.

248. No, seriously, thank you, we're fine.

249. Damn you, you dirty ape!

250. Babe, you have got to try one of these.

251. They are to die for.

252. I'm sorry for your loss. Go ahead. Try one.

253. Mother, this is Dr. Turk, the surgeon that worked so hard.

254. Oh, please, it's the least I could do for... ah...

255. You see, he doesn't even remember his name.

256. No, no, no I remember his name. His name was...

257. His name was... was...

258. You know, we used to call him Old Chicken Neck.

259. This is the problem with doctors today. They don't care.

260. No, no, it's just that recently I've had a lot of patients.

261. And so it... I've gotten... I've been really busy.

262. Not too busy to come here in the middle of the day

263. and stuff your face for free.

264. - Damn you, woman. - Ladies, please.

265. This is a good, caring doctor. He did everything he could for Bob.

266. - Right. - Huh!

267. This is Bob. That's Bob?

268. Like for apples, you know, bob.

269. Oh, I get it. Let's see how tough you are without your costume on.

270. Go ahead and knock the folders out of my hand now.

271. - What costume? - You weren't wearing a gorilla suit?

272. Is someone running around in a gorilla suit? What's he look like?

273. - A gorilla. - No, it's not me.

274. Why knock the folders from my hand?

275. Because you asked me to. Here you go.

276. - I didn't ask you to do that. - That comes free with the folder knock.

277. - How are you doing? - Good, sir.

278. I don't have time to stand and flirt.

279. There have been rumblings that you let your brother play doctor the other day.

280. Dr. Kelso, I...

281. If I had any evidence that incident actually happened,

282. you'd be working with my nephew Francis so fast it'd make your head spin.

283. - Sir, I don't follow. - He cleans pools.

284. I forgot you didn't know.

285. I trust we will not be seeing your brother in the hospital again.

286. Not inside, no.

287. Oh, my God, I'm totally going to hell.

288. Turk, wait, people get thrown out of funerals every day.

289. - Oh. - Why are you laughing?

290. Off the top of my head, I'd say it's because he's suffering.

291. But, of course, I love the poetry of someone putting themself on a pedestal

292. then getting knocked the hell back down

293. into this puddle of self-hatred with the rest of us.

294. Did you do this to him?

295. Oh, I don't know.

296. Does anybody ever really do anything to anybody else?

297. You're gonna tell me why you did this and it better be good.

298. How does "for poops and giggles" grab you?

299. Isn't there something you guys want to talk about?

300. You know, like cars or sports or boobs.

301. Boobs. Remember Fred Keifer's mom?

302. She wore a tank top to Fred's 13th birthday party.

303. She taught us how to bob for apples and three guys passed out.

304. Great story. Now how about something with a little more substance?

305. Remember the cans on Pat Clark's mom?

306. Yeah. Those were awesome.

307. You know what? Forget it.

308. Elliot, come on. What does she expect us to talk about?

309. Maybe that you're so embarrassed by me

310. you make excuses to your friends about how I live my life.

311. Oh, yeah.

312. We're working hard on a cure.

313. Let's go. Field trip. I got things to do.

314. Off to another funeral? I'll make a deal.

315. Come with me and if you're late for the graveyard,

316. I'll scour the obituaries with you this weekend and we can just go nuts.

317. - Carla put you up to this? - No. My idea.

318. I want to be close with you. I just can't figure out how.

319. Turn around.

320. Turn around.

321. You see Dr. Wen in there?

322. He's explaining to that family that something went wrong

323. and that the patient died.

324. He's gonna tell them what happened, say he's sorry,

325. then he's going back to work.

326. You think anybody else in that room is going back to work today?

327. That is why we distance ourselves. Why we make jokes.

328. We don't do it because it's fun. We do it so we can get by.

329. And sometimes because it's fun.

330. But mostly it's the getting by thing.

331. Oh, and by the way...

332. Bob.

333. Who doesn't get that?

334. We're all proud you became a doctor,

335. but just because I haven't achieved as much as you

336. doesn't mean I don't like what I do.

337. Nothing wrong with being a bartender.

338. - I like living with Mom. - She makes great eggs.

339. All in all, I'm pretty damn happy. I'm happy, you know.

340. And now for the apology.

341. That's a load of crap. Look, I know you, okay?

342. I know the reason you wanted to pretend you're a doctor

343. is because you hate working in that bar and wanted to feel like somebody.

344. You're not driving that car across the country for the $300.

345. You're doing it 'cause you like the way you feel when you drive it.

346. And the funny thing is you could be that guy.

347. But you're afraid that if you have to try at something,

348. you might fail, and that's not a chance you're willing to take.

349. What can I say? It's been a real pleasure seeing you.

350. Dan.

351. Right then, I knew I'd never see my brother the same way again.

352. You can never let go of the kid inside of you.

353. That girl in the wolf outfit is totally checking you out.

354. I'd let her blow my house down. You know what I'm saying?

355. Oh, yeah.

356. You see, it's the kid inside of us

357. that keeps us all from going crazy.