Scrubs 2x3

Directed by Michael Spiller

Robert Maschio as Todd • Aloma Wright as Laverne Roberts • Maree Cheatham as Mrs. Warner • Jill Basey as Mrs. Kellerman • Douglas Sutherland as Guy With Perm

When Dr. Kelso challenges the residents by offering a trip to a medical conference in Reno as a reward to the individual, who presents the most interesting case study, J.D. refuses to play along, earning him the respect of Dr. Cox. In the meantime, Turk misses his opportunity to ask for a new laser on the one day of the year, that Dr. Kelso grants favors, so he is forced to find another way to come up with the goods.

Request examples:

!req Scrubs 2x3 [02:32]
!req Scrubs 2x3 [Scrubs 2x3]
Syntax: !req EPISODE [quote or timestamp] (max. 8 square brackets)

For quotes, now you can request by index (e.g !req Scrubs 2x3 [10-11]; !req Scrubs 2x3 [20] [24]). Keep in mind, though, that index numbers might change at any time.
You can also generate a copy command with the quotes. Hover the desired subtitle and enter the amount of lines you want to copy.

Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. - Who wants another beer? - I gotta work early tomorrow.

2. But I'm having fun now, except I had a pizza...

3. - Elliot. - Yes, please.

4. - Me too, babe. - I'll give you a hand.

5. When you spend most of your time as part of a group,

6. if you're left alone, it can get pretty awkward.

7. There can be uncomfortable silences.

8. That was my tummy.

9. Oh.

10. Right.

11. Dr. Murphy, describe the presentation of Ludwig's Angina.

12. It's nothing compared to the silence you hear at work.

13. Proud to have you on board, son.

14. I'm sending one of you to an A.M.A. conference

15. where you're going to eat free food, stay at a nice hotel,

16. and try your darnedest not to embarrass this hospital.

17. I drew a name out of a hat, and that name was Elliot Reid.

18. Yes! I never win at anything.

19. And then I thought... Oh, who cares what I thought?

20. The point is, you're not going. You see, it seems as though

21. all you lazybones have forgotten my edict

22. about residents publishing case reports.

23. I've decided whoever brings me the most interesting case

24. gets the ticket to Reno.

25. You know, sir, my parents live in Reno.

26. That's great, sport. I'm sure you'll see them over Christmas.

27. Criminy.

28. Not many things make the chief of medicine move fast,

29. but when a patient has the same name as a wing of the hospital,

30. you can pretty much predict Kelso's behavior.

31. Would you like it high up on the cheek

32. or do you prefer this fleshy part in the middle?

33. I'm trying to decide who's the most detestable suck-up here.

34. You, this feminine guy with the perm...

35. Mom, please.

36. Or the one in the corner who can't seem to stop daydreaming.

37. - I'm sorry, what? - Oh, great. Another sycophant.

38. Listen, Molly Menopause. I need you to quiet the hell down.

39. You're scaring everyone in the hospital. I mean, my God.

40. They're delivering a baby and the poor kid's

41. using the umbilical cord to crawl the hell back in.

42. - Now, you listen to me... - I mean it, sister.

43. Okay. From now on he's my doctor.

44. The rest of you can get the hell out of here.

45. Scram.

46. Wait.

47. Is that easy to manage?

48. Okay. I'm Dr. Cox. This is my Gal Friday.

49. She'll be helping me to take care of you.

50. But before we get underway,

51. we're gonna need you to ease up on the yakety-yak.

52. You can drop the macho act now, dear. They're gone.

53. Act-schmact. The lips stay zipped.

54. Zipped-schmipped. I thought we were riffing.

55. - Yeah, we're not. - Well, aren't you delicious?

56. If I were 20 years younger and tipsy,

57. this might be your lucky day.

58. Careful there, sweetcheeks.

59. I haven't decided which way to take your temperature yet.

60. Wow, she had some real old-fashioned sass.

61. You just don't see sass like that anymore.

62. - Stop saying "sass." - Sass.

63. Um... Dr. Cox, I have a patient with blennorrhea.

64. I was wondering if you thought that was interesting enough

65. to present to Dr. Kelso?

66. I'm sorry, Nervous Guy, but I can't do your work for you.

67. What do you say you head down to the library and look it up

68. in the New England Journal of "Who Gives a Rat's Ass"?

69. Leave this instant, this second, this moment. Just go.

70. Boy. Tell me this, muffin.

71. You're not gonna be like all these other mindless drones

72. trying to turn the sniffles into something much more fascinating

73. just so you're selected to go to this stupid conference, are you?

74. I felt I knew the right answer.

75. - No? - Oh, good girl.

76. Nurse Roberts, I just saw your patient in 106

77. and I've decided that the next time you place an I.V.

78. and actually hit the vein on the first try,

79. I'm gonna crack open a bottle of bubbly.

80. I mean, my God, woman.

81. The man looks like Al Jarreau was his nurse.

82. - What? - Isn't he the blind fella?

83. - You mean Ray Charles. - Dammit.

84. Anyway, you're incompetent.

85. Easy, Laverne. You're a saved woman.

86. Don't worry. Remember, tomorrow is his wedding anniversary.

87. - Why's that matter? - Right about tomorrow

88. Bob Kelso will be sweeter than flowers dipped in honey.

89. Which is why every year we use this time as an opportunity

90. to ask him for anything our department needs.

91. - Like equipment. - Or an extra nurse on weekends.

92. Or a Slip 'N Slide. Who's with me?

93. - Shut up. - I don't get it, Dr. Wen.

94. Why would Kelso's anniversary make him less of a jerk?

95. Well, tonight after work,

96. Dr. Kelso will take his wife to a candlelit dinner.

97. Then, after they've toasted to 40 wonderful years together,

98. - they'll go home and... - Oh, bam! Oh, bam!

99. I think it's really sweet that at their age they still...

100. Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!

101. Then, bam! Dr. Wen points to me and now guess who has to ask

102. Dr. Kelso for a new argon laser tomorrow?

103. - I'm sorry, baby. - I'm out of here.

104. - All right. - Damn argon laser.

105. Do you think we'd hang out if it weren't for J.D. and Turk?

106. Uh, probably not.

107. I mean, they are the one thing we have most in common.

108. We have a lot in common. We have a hard time digesting dairy.

109. You're right. Do you want to be my maid of honor?

110. Elliot, I don't know why you're trying to force this.

111. We're fine. I gotta get back to work.

112. We both work.

113. So, have you found any cool cases yet?

114. Muffin, I'm not gonna run around like you mindless drones

115. trying to turn the sniffles into something fascinating

116. just so you can go to some stupid conference.

117. Schmonference.

118. It's fun to rhyme!

119. What's stupid? It's an amazing networking opportunity.

120. Doesn't matter, though. I've got it wrapped up, anyway.

121. Something better than blennorrhea?

122. Doug, if I told you, you would not believe it.

123. And as you can see, the ass is on the front.

124. Bravo! Bravo!

125. - Bravo! - Bravo!

126. Front butt. It's like the grail.

127. Did you say something, Mr. Too-Scared-To-Get-In-The-Game?

128. Don't get sucked in.

129. You know, I have an interesting patient, too.

130. So basically, Mr. Davis, you received a blunt trauma

131. to the fibrous tissue of the corpus cavernosum.

132. Great, and that means?

133. You broke your penis.

134. Wow. I can't wait to get my cast signed.

135. Yeah, I gotta tell you, it's such an unusual case.

136. Would you mind if I get it published in a medical journal?

137. That would be fantastic.

138. I'll let you mull it over.

139. And smile, Mr. Davis.

140. Tomorrow's gonna be a better day... for everyone.

141. Dr. Kelso, happy anniversary.

142. Oh!

143. Excuse me, sir.

144. Sir. Whoa!

145. Carla, I figured out why we don't hang out more.

146. That's great, pins and needles, really,

147. but I'm prepping a patient for surgery here.

148. She's my patient too. I traded with Doug so we could talk.

149. - Oh, are you two friends? - We're about to be.

150. Oh, my God.

151. You're stuck on your first impression,

152. that I am some narrow-minded spoiled brat.

153. Elliot, not now, okay?

154. When I was a kid I was really close with my maid.

155. That's it. So you think that you totally get my whole experience

156. because of the Latina woman who cleaned your house?

157. - Our maid was white. - What was her name?

158. Consuela. Look, you know I don't always say the right thing,

159. but you also know how hard I'm trying,

160. so, yeah, we have nothing in common.

161. I only have things in common with nice people.

162. You two realize I can still hear you, right?

163. Hi.

164. If pediatrics needs a new bronchoscope, you'll get one.

165. Love to the wife and kidlets. Who's next?

166. Hey, do me a favor. Hold my place in line.

167. - For how long? - Uh, I don't know.

168. Well, why? What do you have to do?

169. Nothing. I might just veg.

170. No, seriously, try me. I can do it with anything.

171. - Go away. - Go ashmay.

172. - All right, try this one... - Angie, put on your flats.

173. - We're going for a walk. - Eat shmit and die.

174. Around here, life can be full of surprises.

175. Some are as simple as forgetting something

176. you were supposed to ask for.

177. Dr. Kelso!

178. Is he gone?

179. Some are so unexpected

180. that everything else takes a back seat.

181. Sorry, I don't even know what kind of surgery you're having.

182. I'm getting big fake breasts.

183. And some you'd never thought you'd hear.

184. Newbie, I don't tell you I respect you a lot because,

185. - well... I don't. - I know.

186. But the fact that you're not jumping through Kelso's hoops

187. like the rest of these peons... Yes, you.

188. Forever you, a thousand times you. Move.

189. Move it.

190. Anyway, let's make pretend it's your birthday, because, um...

191. Ah, hell, I'm impressed. Let's get some coffee.

192. This is great. There's only one problem. Ten minutes ago...

193. What the hell. Go ahead and use me in your case report.

194. I'm going to Reno. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

195. Beg your pardon, Newbie. What are you thinking?

196. - Not about Reno. - Attagirl. Let's go.

197. With every sip of the coffee that Dr. Cox bought me,

198. I could taste my own hypocrisy.

199. Thank God my hypocrisy missed me.

200. I wanted you to stand in line for me 'cause I need a new mop.

201. The floors are slippery 'cause this one doesn't work.

202. - You know why it doesn't work? - It's out of mop gas?

203. No. 'Cause it's so old it won't soak up water.

204. See?

205. Something in that filthy mop water woke me up.

206. I decided I could have my cake and eat it too.

207. Dr. Cox would never know.

208. What do you say, Bridge Club? How you feeling?

209. I feel like crap. What the hell's wrong with me?

210. Your abdominal pains suggest you have biliary disease,

211. but all your tests came back negative, so we don't know.

212. But don't worry. Dr. Cox and I never say die.

213. Unless someone actually dies. Then we're forced to by law.

214. - He's talking again. - Oh, come on. The kid's okay.

215. "The kid"? This is great.

216. So why haven't I heard your name before?

217. Well, I've only been here a year,

218. and he's just started calling me "the kid."

219. - Which I love, by the way. - She's talking to me.

220. You should be more than just an attending.

221. - Let me make a phone call. - I'm not so good with handouts.

222. Come on. I'm only putting in a good word.

223. I'll tell you what, Bubby, if you really want to help me,

224. why don't you quiet down and get some rest?

225. And then if you're a really good girl,

226. I'll wind up your car and take you out to a talkie.

227. Oh, I could do naughty things to that man.

228. Uncomfortable.

229. - You're getting fake breasts? - Stripper big.

230. Forgive me, Mrs. Kellerman, but why wait until now to do this?

231. - 'Cause you're so old. - Yeah, Elliot, she gets that.

232. Yeah, I know. I'm sure she gets it all the time.

233. Look, I've been self-conscious my whole life

234. and I finally got the courage.

235. Besides, can you honestly say there's not one thing

236. you'd change about yourself if you could?

237. - I can honestly say that. - Me too.

238. - Then you're both liars. - Hey, Mrs. K.

239. Let's get you into a fresh pair of blouse bunnies.

240. To hell with this "there's only one day to ask Kelso" thing.

241. Shoot, I'm getting that argon laser today.

242. Dr. Kelso...

243. - Hey, Dr. Kelso. - Ah!

244. So uncalled...

245. - What? - Nothing.

246. - And you? - Nothing.

247. I don't want anything from you.

248. That's what my son says, but when Mother's Day rolls around,

249. guess who wants to go halfsies on a pasta pot for Enid?

250. - But, sir, I... - She's not my mother, dammit.

251. Oh, and don't think that I've forgotten

252. that you have yet to turn in a case report.

253. You have until six.

254. You can't just change your mind.

255. Oh, I'm sorry. Did I pass out from the pain in my penis

256. and suddenly we're not in America anymore?

257. Crap.

258. - What's this? - It's a mop.

259. Yeah, I got that. I mean, why'd you get it for me?

260. 'Cause I thought it would be nice.

261. Why? Don't you like it?

262. Well?

263. Hmph, hmph!

264. Oh! Hang on.

265. Man, today could not get any worse.

266. If you were to change one thing about my appearance,

267. what would it be?

268. You're testing me. I get it.

269. Baby, you know I don't like you talking to God

270. when we're trying to have a discussion.

271. Now, if I were to be really honest with myself,

272. I would change everything. What do you think?

273. Why don't we just skip what I think

274. and jump right ahead to not having sex for a month?

275. Are all women this crazy?

276. I hate my cheeks. Suck them in.

277. I'll take some of that.

278. That's right, work it baby. Mm, now you're smoking.

279. God, I'm hideous.

280. Good news, Mrs. Warner.

281. We got a pretty good idea what's going on...

282. So I don't have a case to present.

283. At least this way we get to stay a team.

284. It turns out the E.G.D. showed multiple erosive peptic ulcers,

285. and the secretin injection test was positive, which suggests

286. you have gastrinomatous Zollinger-Ellison Syndrome.

287. In English, please.

288. Your stomach acid is eroding your own intestines.

289. It's remarkable. I've never seen anything like it before.

290. - Newbie, you? - No.

291. I realized Mrs. Warner was the most interesting case in the hospital.

292. The whole thing's very treatable.

293. We're going to step outside and then we'll get underway.

294. - Newbie, what do you say? - I just had to go for it.

295. If you give me a second, I wanna ask Mrs. Warner something.

296. - What? - To marry me.

297. Come on, heel toe. What do you say, kid?

298. - Come on. - Mrs. Warner, I was wondering

299. if you'd give me permission to present your case

300. to be published in a medical journal

301. so that I might be chosen to go to an A.M.A. conference.

302. - Sure, why not? - Thanks.

303. Excuse me.

304. Excuse me, Dr. Kelso, can I have a minute of your time?

305. Oh, for God's sake, son. I have two more days of peace

306. before my wife returns from fat camp.

307. I need an argon laser, and I was gonna ask you yesterday,

308. but then all of... Hold up.

309. How can you make love to your wife if she's at fat camp?

310. How can I make love to her when she's not at fat camp?

311. - Sir, you lied to us. - Hi, I'm Bob Kelso.

312. Nice to meet you.

313. Look, sport, if people think I'm only giving once a year,

314. they'll only be asking me for things once a year, capice?

315. Get out of my eye line. Nurse Tidsdale is wearing ankle socks.

316. How about I don't? And how about you help me out

317. and I won't tell anybody about this?

318. Unless you like it when people come and ask you for stuff

319. like every single day.

320. Fat camp. Six years she's been going there,

321. and the only thing getting any thinner is my wallet.

322. - Is J.D. here? - No, it's just me.

323. Oh. I guess I'll just wait too.

324. - Crap. - Fine. I'll wait outside.

325. No, I was talking to my hair. If it's even the least bit humid,

326. all of a sudden I'm Doctor J.

327. Is he in radiology?

328. Yeah. Uh-huh.

329. Carla, you know, I would kill for your hair.

330. - Really? - Yeah.

331. - I would kill for your legs. - I would kill for your lips.

332. I'd kill for that wagon you're draggin'.

333. - That's your butt. - Oh, thank you.

334. - Wagon? - Draggin'.

335. I won! Thank you, Mrs. Warner!

336. In your face! In your face! In your...

337. - face. - Congratulations.

338. You get to represent the Kelso Kennel Club

339. at the big show in Reno.

340. Just remember when you are prancing in front of the judges

341. to keep that shaved behind of yours held up nice and high,

342. like the proud little puppy that you are.

343. When it comes time to hand out those blue ribbons,

344. it will be such an exciting time for you, it really will be.

345. But for the love of God, Newbie, you've gotta try, try, try

346. not to squeeze out a dookie on the Astroturf.

347. 'Cause... I mean, God forbid you were ever

348. an embarrassment to Master Bob, right?

349. You know, I don't care what you think.

350. - Yeah, you do. - I know.

351. Look, I wanna be like you...

352. but a more successful you.

353. There's nothing wrong with playing the game once in a while.

354. Ten years from now when I'm your boss,

355. I'll throw in a good word for you,

356. and you won't even have to ask...

357. sir.

358. I like to think your life comes down to the choices you've made.

359. Like the choice to stand up to a superior.

360. Or to focus on what you have in common

361. instead of what you don't.

362. Or the choice to let someone help you for once.

363. In the end, you just have to trust your decisions.

364. You're the husband? We gotta get you some bigger hands.

365. And hopefully you'll land on solid ground.

366. Whoop!

367. - Well, what about your new mop? - I like my old one.

368. - But you cried. - No, that was you.

369. It was a good one.