Scrubs 2x22

Directed by Bill Lawrence

Sam Lloyd as Ted Buckland • Robert Maschio as Todd • Aloma Wright as Laverne Roberts • Steve Susskind as Mr. Groff • Ryan Reynolds as Spence

J.D. and Turk's college buddy, Spence, drops by for a visit, and accidentally tells Dr. Cox a secret. Too much partying with successful Spence causes Turk and J.D. to show up late and drunk for work, which Dr. Kelso fully reprehends them for. Elliot's feeling low since she can't measure up to Dr. Kelso's standards, and the Janitor starts another feud – this time over paychecks – with J.D.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Nurse Espinoza,

2. do you by any chance know what time your 9.30 shift starts?

3. - 9:30? - That's what I would've said.

4. But I had Ted stand out in the parking lot

5. and monitor your arrival times this week. Ted?

6. 9.34, 9.39, 9.41, 9.33 and 9.50.

7. How is that law degree working out for you, Ted?

8. I was going to be a senator.

9. I haven't perused the latest nursing contract,

10. I'm guessing it doesn't say "show up when you damn well please."

11. Here's an idea. What say you stop showing up altogether

12. and we'll replace you with a giant time clock?

13. If we ever miss you,

14. we'll just have a Bob Kelso cuckoo bird pop out

15. every few minutes and say, "I've never satisfied a woman."

16. Come on, Ted.

17. Dr Cox didn't know he was the father of Jordan's baby,

18. but they were getting along better.

19. - I love you. - I love you.

20. As for us, it was the end of our second year,

21. and each day had begun to feel the same.

22. After a while, your residency boils down to just a few things.

23. Paperwork.

24. The three prescriptions every patient gets.

25. Acetaminophen for her headache,

26. Restoril so she'll sleep, and Colace so she'll poop.

27. Paperwork.

28. Mind-numbing monotony.

29. And, of course, paperwork.

30. As for the patients...

31. Look, because it's diabetes-related,

32. the pain in your foot isn't responding to pain killers.

33. I'd like to try an anti-seizure medication

34. before we consider amputation.

35. Good, because I have an audition for Stomp tomorrow.

36. Look, just cut the damn thing off, will ya?

37. That's why I'm so psyched our college buddy,

38. Spence, was coming to town.

39. - Jill Anderson. - Yes.

40. - No. - Monica Meyer.

41. - Yeah. - Yes.

42. I don't think it's appropriate for us

43. to be rehashing our college sexual conquests

44. with Carla in the other room.

45. - Leslie Stevens. - Yes!

46. On a pile of coats with hundreds of people around.

47. What a whore!

48. Who else? Who else did you bang?

49. Carla, college wasn't all sex and coats.

50. Spence here got me through a lot of hard times.

51. Why don't you just mousse the crap out of it?

52. Straight up.

53. Yes.

54. - My life changed that day. - Man, that was a long time ago.

55. Now you two are engaged, I'm in town because two frat brothers

56. are getting married.

57. - A double wedding? - No.

58. Good for the boys.

59. The point is, we've really grown up.

60. That's good, good sauce.

61. Check it out.

62. Free pitcher.

63. What I've got you on is D-five half normal saline

64. with 20 KCL at 100ccs an hour.

65. The Cadillac of all hangover cures.

66. - It feels warm in my tummy. - Good morning, angels.

67. Did you have one too many Daiquiris last night?

68. - Spence, this is Dr Cox and... - Don't bother. Don't care.

69. He's the scary man you told me about last night.

70. - Hey, congratulations. - For what, jackass?

71. - You just had a baby. - No, she just had a baby.

72. But you said it was his. And you said something else.

73. - That he didn't know it yet. - That's exactly right.

74. Holy crap. Run away. Run away. Run away.

75. OK, he hasn't said a word in over ten minutes.

76. The hell with it. I'm going in.

77. Dr Cox...

78. If the next words aren't "See you," the third will be,

79. "My crotch, you've punched me in the crotch."

80. See you.

81. - How about that guy? - Yeah.

82. - That guy? - Yeah.

83. Maybe it would be easier if I told you

84. whose butt I haven't had my fingers in.

85. That's a perk you never hear about.

86. You guys landed your dream jobs, huh?

87. Dream job.

88. Hey, man, how am I supposed to finish this memo?

89. I don't know.

90. Do you have any interesting patients?

91. Mr Weinberg has dementia but still enjoys his ronking.

92. - What's ronking? - Ronk!

93. - Interesting. - Hey, sweetness.

94. - Ronk. - When do people yell "stat"?

95. Kinda never. Bambi, rounds.

96. - Dammit. - Run, Johnny, run.

97. - Trying to add a little drama. - I felt it.

98. This is not a good day to be late.

99. Every year, Kelso picks a resident

100. to ride mercilessly until they crumble.

101. The key is to jump on any easy question and impress him early.

102. - Right, shall we get started? - Yes!

103. - Excuse me? - Should we get started? Yes.

104. Wow...

105. Dr Reid, do an ABG on bed four without waking him.

106. Dr... Young Asian Fellow,

107. bed seven needs a central line.

108. Dr Murphy and Dr Eager Beaver, step forward.

109. This is it. Last man standing.

110. What are the four differential diagnoses

111. of the persistent ST elevation on any EKG?

112. - Dorian. - Ischemia.

113. - Murphy. - Aneurysm.

114. - Dorian. - Pericarditis.

115. - Murphy. - Pass.

116. Ah, Doug. At least you're going to a more chocolaty place.

117. Dr Murphy.

118. Ronk!

119. Dr Reid! A moment, please.

120. - No, you didn't. - I did.

121. Every time I turn around, Dr Kelso's riding me.

122. I've got next. What's up?

123. No one? Self-five.

124. For the big dog.

125. Look, Elliot, I've seen this before.

126. Kelso worries he's not scary, so he picks somebody to be his bitch.

127. Who he picks is totally random.

128. Unless you throw a needle in his face.

129. OK, I didn't tell you the kid was yours and you're upset.

130. I get it. But you seem to be making a really big deal out of this.

131. Is there something else that's bothering you?

132. It's mostly just the kid thing.

133. I didn't want you to feel pressured to be with me.

134. I didn't want you to feel manipulated.

135. I am so, so sorry,

136. but no matter what you say, you don't have a leg to stand on.

137. I don't know about that, Perry.

138. Sounds like she's trying to protect your relationship.

139. Some mothers say the only way to get a guy to marry you

140. - is by using pregnancy as a trap. - What?

141. Stupid mothers who got even meaner

142. when they stopped drinking.

143. Morning.

144. - I make more than you do. - What?

145. I saw your paycheck. I make more than you do.

146. - Quite a bit more. - You couldn't have seen it.

147. No way I could access the personnel files.

148. Just impossible.

149. By the way, 987654320.

150. - My Social Security number. - No. That's your PIN number.

151. - No, my PIN number is 3674. - Bingo.

152. Do you have any idea what it feels like

153. to have a janitor make more than you?

154. Johnny. Investment banker. So, no.

155. Why, Christopher?

156. I've saved up 500 bucks.

157. Where would you put that if you were me?

158. A wallet, a money clip.

159. You could get Schmitty and Dan a wedding gift. Dan wants a ferret.

160. - Ferrets are nice. - They're mean.

161. Let's go do something special tonight. My treat.

162. We gotta kinda lay low tonight. We're on backup call.

163. See, now, this is the proper way to lay low.

164. I mean, honestly, does it get any better?

165. No, it does not.

166. Why do you keep looking at me like that?

167. People.

168. Ed, did you turn on the jets in the hot tub?

169. - No. - It's too hot on my eyes!

170. Those sutures look awful, don't you think, Ted?

171. I don't know, sir. Yes? No? I'm barely here.

172. I know what you're doing, sir, the whole keep-us-scared thing.

173. - I'm OK with it. - Dr Reid.

174. Even if you hadn't just missed blinding me earlier,

175. I still would've picked you to crap on.

176. You're easily startled, you're constantly overwhelmed.

177. While you work hard,

178. you still struggle to break into the middle of the pack.

179. I chose you because I am hoping that you will ask yourself,

180. really ask yourself, if there isn't some other profession

181. you might be better suited for.

182. In the meantime, be a doll and re-suture that wound.

183. Wanna get a beer later?

184. I can't believe you didn't tell me.

185. And while we're coming completely clean, Perry,

186. I'm not the girl they're singing about in My Sharona.

187. Her name's Sharona.

188. - You're making jokes? - I just want this to be OK.

189. Don't get me wrong. I wanna be with the kid.

190. I'm damn sure gonna be with the kid.

191. But as far as you and I go...

192. I just don't see us working out.

193. Nothing like cold beers in a Jacuzzi. Am I right, Ed?

194. Some days I sit out here for hours, downing cold one after cold one.

195. What do you do when you have to pee?

196. - So you boys are doctors, huh? - OK, whoa, Frannie.

197. That was my ass.

198. - You guys have to go to work? - No, it's just a stupid intern.

199. The only way we have to go in is if there was some catastrophe.

200. In breaking news, there's been a multiple car pile-up on the throughway.

201. Plus, the two guys on call

202. would have to be simultaneously incapacitated.

203. This is my chance to shine.

204. What's up, chica? Whoa!

205. Oh, God!

206. Part of being a doctor is learning to deal with the unexpected.

207. Whether it's someone who won't take no for an answer.

208. I've decided not to accept the being-dumped thing.

209. I'm gonna hang around until you forgive me.

210. Or being shaken to your very core.

211. Sometimes it's just having to work in wet grundies.

212. Hey, Betty, Wilma. What the hell? You're only 40 minutes late.

213. - Do I smell beer? - We had a few.

214. you can't drink and then come to work.

215. - You're not airline pilots. - Look, Dr Cox...

216. No, you look. If someone had asked me just this morning,

217. is there any way that I could have any less respect

218. for you two geniuses, I would have said, that's not possible.

219. Lo and behold, you pulled it off. Congratulations.

220. The only problem is I'm fresh out of blue ribbons,

221. so instead you'll have to settle

222. for a lifetime supply of my foot up your ass.

223. Go home. You're not fit to work tonight.

224. Great speech. You guys are in trouble.

225. Wait up, I've got my heels on.

226. After what happened, I was in no mood to be messed with.

227. Hey, Food Stamps.

228. Little anonymous donation

229. from a guy who makes a little more scratch than you.

230. You know what? At least what I do matters. OK?

231. You're cleaning the same spot you were this morning.

232. The smart money says you'll be cleaning it tomorrow.

233. Why don't I just come by then,

234. and you can tell me how what you do day after day

235. makes even the slightest bit of difference in this world?

236. Too mean.

237. I don't care if I hurt his feelings, I got absolutely crushed tonight.

238. Turk and I both knew who was responsible for all this.

239. Crockett.

240. Tubbs.

241. When do we eat?

242. Jordan, could you just give me ten seconds to myself here?

243. No.

244. You know, you are being very immature

245. and, oh, my God, is that guy on fire?

246. Dr Cox, I'm so glad you're here.

247. From one hell to another.

248. Dr Kelso's been torturing me lately.

249. I thought I could handle it. I've come a long way.

250. I was afraid of you, and now I can talk to you,

251. like how your hair's been looking springy lately,

252. not like the season, like the inside of a mattress.

253. I don't have any clue what you mean.

254. Dr Kelso's starting to get to me,

255. and I don't think I can take it anymore.

256. Sorry, kid, but I'm dealing with my own stuff right now.

257. Thanks a lot... really.

258. Howdy, Mop-Top.

259. Oh, God.

260. Man, why'd you even show up this weekend?

261. What are you talking about? I introduced Schmitty and Dan.

262. OK, I didn't really introduce them.

263. I'm the one who accidentally saw them under the foosball table.

264. Oh, Schmitty.

265. Typical Spence.

266. You just blow into town and get us into trouble.

267. What? I made you guys go out tonight?

268. Hey, I have a presentation on Thursday.

269. Ask me if I'll go out drinking Wednesday night.

270. - You wanna go out...? - Sorry.

271. I can't, I have a presentation.

272. The truth is, you've been complaining about work

273. since the second I got here, dying for an excuse to blow it off.

274. So maybe you should stop being all mad at me when, really,

275. you're just pissed because you hate your jobs.

276. Every time I turn around, Kelso's there.

277. Ted, he's trying to break my spirit.

278. Do you have any idea what that feels like?

279. I'm sorry. Of course you do.

280. Dr Reid, I'm afraid that nothing you've described

281. constitutes harassment.

282. Swing and a miss, eh, Dr Reid?

283. The next time you decide to make a stink over nothing,

284. you should see a lawyer who didn't need five tries

285. to pass the bar exam.

286. I have stress-induced dyslexia and you know that, Dr Oslek.

287. - Why are you doing this? - I'll tell you why, Perry.

288. We've been dancing the same dance for years now.

289. One gets angry and walks away,

290. the other's too stubborn to go after them.

291. Before you know it, you sleep with some pharmaceutical rep,

292. I'm convincing my mom that the thing in my suitcase

293. is a giant electric melon-baller. Guess what?

294. Things are different now. We have a kid together.

295. I'm not going home until you promise you're coming with me.

296. You go home. I'll meet you there later.

297. Bring dinner.

298. You're a father. Can you believe it?

299. Nope.

300. I didn't get a lot of sleep thinking about what Spence had said.

301. Look, I'm sorry I was such a jerk yesterday. OK?

302. Come on, look at this floor. You could practically eat off of it.

303. - Would you? - Would I what?

304. Would you eat off the floor?

305. As I bent down to eat that peppered floor turkey,

306. unaware that the cleanser the janitor uses

307. is an extremely potent diuretic, I realised something.

308. The reason we're doctors is because we have

309. an innate desire to help people.

310. That was disgusting.

311. You have to have that desire,

312. because at the end of your second year,

313. it's impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

314. So it becomes about perseverance.

315. And fortitude.

316. And sacrifice.

317. Sorry you guys can't make the wedding.

318. Give them a big kiss for us.

319. Tell them the ferret only eats fresh vegetables.

320. I'm gonna miss you guys.

321. - I'll see ya later. - Later, dude.

322. Really, all you can hope for is an occasional thank-you.

323. I'm so glad the medication worked.

324. I'm supposed to be happy cos somebody did something right?

325. You're welcome.

326. Nice call on the anti-seizure medicine.

327. I'm starting to think you may not be the worst resident that ever lived.

328. - How cool was that? - Shut up.

329. You shut up. You're an angry man.

330. Sorry I didn't tell you about the "It's your baby" thing.

331. We'll probably talk about that later.

332. - I wasn't even mad at Jordan. - No?

333. I was scared.

334. I was freaking out, cos I'm confident that I'll be a horrible father.

335. You? Come on.

336. You're gonna be a very scary... I mean, great.

337. You're gonna be a great father.

338. Last night, you totally kicked our asses cos we deserved it.

339. Remember you told me I wasn't the worst resident that ever lived?

340. Eight seconds ago?

341. You have no idea how much that meant to me.

342. I said, I think you may not be the worst resident ever,

343. but I can't be sure of stuff like that. I haven't done the legwork.

344. You're always there when we need you.

345. I think you have this fathering thing down.

346. Why am I not leaving, Dr Reid?

347. I don't want to miss you breaking down

348. and weeping in front of everyone.

349. Here it comes. Great big tears. Great big crocodile tears.

350. If she was your daughter, you'd totally know how to handle it.

351. My God, you're right.

352. - You're doing fine, Barbie. - Thank you.

353. Everybody have a good one.

354. I'm going home to see my son.

355. Excuse me there, Bobbo.

356. Right in the nose. Yeah.

357. That may come up tomorrow.