Scrubs 2x2

Directed by Craig Zisk

Sam Lloyd as Ted Buckland • Richard Cansino as Dr. Rose • Bonita Friedericy as Nurse • Amy Tolsky as Nurse • Marcus Ashley as ER Doctor

J.D., Elliot and Turk find themselves alone in the hospital night shift and face responsibilities without supervision for the first time. Luckily, they have Carla there to support and guide them through the night. Meanwhile, Dr. Cox doesn't know what to do, when he realizes that he has feelings for his ex-wife Jordan and is asked (forced actually) to introduce Dr. Kelso at a social event, where he will be receiving an award from the medical board.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. - Ohh. - There. Just a tiny splinter.

2. It's funny. I can't stop thinking about Aesop's Fables.

3. You know the one where the lion's always hassling the little mouse?

4. Then the mouse pulls a thorn from his paw?

5. Oh, right, and the lion kills him anyway. Yeah.

6. - No, he doesn't. - Trust me.

7. Sandy, what do you say we start work?

8. Sandy isn't necessarily a girl's name.

9. - Short for Sandra. - Clear.

10. Hello, Perry.

11. - Oh, God, the ex-wife. - Jordan. What a coincidence!

12. You were in my dream. I can't say for certain,

13. but I was having the flesh torn from my bones by a cross-eyed water snake.

14. - You, right? - Yes. Yeah.

15. - Right? - Mm-hm.

16. Let's play a game. I'll throw out an adjective describing

17. how one of you is in bed, and you guess who it is.

18. Remember, I had no idea she was your ex.

19. - Okay. Clumsy. - Don't answer that.

20. No worries.

21. Goodbye, Jordan.

22. - Sandy. - Ow.

23. - Good job, D.J. - You know, it's J.D., okay?

24. At least I remember the names of all my sexual partners.

25. I'm sure that girl from high school

26. and your bunkmate from Camp Morning Wood

27. are both extremely grateful. Yeah.

28. Camp Meadow Wood. I made a lanyard.

29. It sounds insensitive, but hospitals can be boring.

30. So if a policeman gets into an accident

31. with a bad guy he's chasing, it pumps you up.

32. Okay, move it along, fellas, there's nothing to see here.

33. I'll be over here.

34. Officer Berson, shortness of breath and chest pain.

35. Do you think anyone else gets this excited over a car accident?

36. Maybe Hank.

37. We weren't the only ones psyched to be in the game.

38. The doctor is in.

39. Bad guy, this is why you don't run from the police.

40. Baby, are you ready to rock?

41. Right. Another cocky resident that wants to start surgery

42. before the attending shows up.

43. I just figured that if we finished here quick enough,

44. we might have time to pull the stick out of your ass.

45. What do you say?

46. - Perry! - BeelzeBob.

47. - Lackey! - Hey, Dr. Cox.

48. I'm being honored tonight by the board of trustees,

49. - and they asked me to say a few words. - Oh, yawn.

50. Anyway, I'd like you to be the one who introduces me.

51. - Wow. Seriously? - Yeah.

52. - Not interested. - I didn't ask if you were interested.

53. I deeply dislike you. Honestly, it keeps me up at night.

54. Well, then use that passion. Put that rage on the page.

55. Here's an idea. Why not use Big Chief Flop Sweat here?

56. Ted's not an impressive man.

57. - Hey, that, uh... He's right. - You're okay.

58. You have a slight arrhythmia,

59. so Dr. Dorian and I are gonna monitor you very closely.

60. But don't worry. We're on top of it, okay?

61. There's nothing like that feeling of taking charge of a situation.

62. Mary, Rhoda, chart, please.

63. What, I stutter? Give me the chart.

64. Attagirl. Oh, man. I don't like his O2 set.

65. Get me a donut, will you?

66. Oh, you mean like a... a blood pressure thingy?

67. I mean a glazed thingy. And I like sprinkles on half of it.

68. So if you can't find a half-sprinkle, get all-sprinkles

69. and just pick half of 'em off.

70. You know, that was kind of demeaning.

71. You know, you're right.

72. Would you apologize to her while you get me some coffee?

73. And be quick or I'll have the manager send over a different waitress. Go.

74. You're done now. Yeah.

75. The frustrating thing was down in the O.R.,

76. Turk was probably running the show.

77. Steady, Dr. Turk, only about two more hours.

78. Can you just scratch my nose, please.

79. No, I can scratch my nose.

80. Oh, that feels good.

81. Yeah.

82. Miss Sullivan, I want to thank you

83. and the rest of the board for this award.

84. The fact your first choice passed away last week,

85. in no way makes it any less special.

86. Are you sure? 'Cause it seems like it does.

87. Hey, Bob, as far as the whole intro thing goes,

88. I've given it a great deal of thought,

89. but I'm afraid I'm gonna politely have to tell you

90. to blow it out your ass.

91. I think we both understand how this works.

92. It's like when my dog Baxter goes winkle on the carpet.

93. He always heads right straight away from the tool shed,

94. but we both know that's where he's gonna spend the night.

95. - Charming story. - Yeah.

96. The fact is I make it a rule never to get in bed with people

97. that I have nothing but contempt for.

98. Oh.

99. - That's good, J.D. - Mm-hm.

100. - You'll now pay for that. - God, I hope so.

101. We're residents now. We're supposed to have more responsibility.

102. I scratched my nose with Bad Guy's toe.

103. Accept the fact we're the most underappreciated people here.

104. - Bambi, I really feel for you. - Thank you.

105. She doesn't.

106. I spend my time getting orders barked at me

107. by people who take credit for my work and blame me for their mistakes.

108. All the while, I'm expected to hold the doctor's hand.

109. You should try trading places with me for one day.

110. It's actually not that bad. And the lace feels soft against my package.

111. Nah.

112. I'm glad we finally had a chance to talk.

113. You and me both. I haven't had anyone to talk to lately.

114. - Well, okay. - But, boy, you sure talk fast.

115. Bye-bye.

116. Next time we talk, maybe I could finish a sentence or two.

117. You still like her.

118. Why? Because we had a conversation in an empty room?

119. That room's not empty.

120. Listen, girlfriend, I don't want to hear your misguided romantic notions.

121. 'Cause, you see, for me, sex is a sport, like racquetball.

122. Play hard for half an hour, work up a sweat,

123. - and hope you don't get hit in the eye. - I know you care about her.

124. In fact, I bet that after you two are done playing racquetball or talking

125. or whatever you crazy kids are calling it,

126. you'd like nothing better

127. than to just lie there and watch her sleep.

128. It's impossible to actually lie next to Jordan seeing as she sleeps

129. hanging upside down from the ceiling

130. wrapped in a cocoon of her own wings.

131. That's nice.

132. Hey. I thought about what you said

133. and you're right, I owe you. So I got you a date tonight.

134. - Who? - Tim.

135. - I'm not gay. - What?

136. Oh, okay, I get it. Neither's Tim.

137. Unfortunately, I'm on call tonight.

138. And as weird as this place is during the day, it's even worse at night.

139. See, that's when all the weirdos come out.

140. Like the ER doctor who likes to work nights 'cause he says he's up anyway.

141. Hey, bro'.

142. Or the nurse who everyone agrees is just a little bit off.

143. Or if there's a full moon...

144. Hey. This is my band. We all work in different departments in the hospital.

145. I know, you told me last time we...

146. Dr. Kelso lets us practise here at night.

147. Oh, yeah, I remember. Cartoon theme songs.

148. No, no, no. That was lame.

149. We do prime-time now.

150. What attendings are stuck here on call tonight?

151. - Everyone's at that Kelso thing. - I think Dr. Cox is on.

152. He went home, but said that Carol could cover for him.

153. Is Carol the one with the really firm butt?

154. Well, I'm Carol, so yes.

155. It's disturbing how obsessed you are with your butt.

156. You're missing the point. No one is here tonight but us.

157. - We are running this hospital. - This is our house.

158. - We're in charge. - I love my butt.

159. It's amazing how, one moment, you think you know exactly what you want.

160. Oh, God. Come on.

161. Then the next moment everything changes.

162. Okay, Elliot, the E.R. doctor knows there's no attending up here

163. so instead of treating he's just admitting everyone.

164. You've got 12 so far.

165. Turk, oncology, cardiology and pediatrics all need consults.

166. That phone's for you. It's the clinic. They know you're on your own

167. so they're patching all night-calls through.

168. And Bambi, room 201 needs an art line, 202 needs reintubation,

169. plus, Carol, you're needed in I.C.U.

170. to place a femoral swan under fluro on Mr. Freed.

171. Never actually done one of these unsupervised before.

172. You'll be fine.

173. And that's when I realized, tonight we really were all alone.

174. Running the hospital.

175. Luckily, someone had the guts to take charge.

176. You've all been on call before. So you don't have a safety net.

177. Most of the time you don't need one anyway, right?

178. Fine, I'll just go tell your patients they're on their own

179. - because you're all too scared. - No, Carla, I'm a doctor.

180. I should tell them.

181. Come on, peeps, let's go kick some sick patient ass.

182. That, my friends, is one nerdy honky.

183. That's two.

184. - My back hurts. - Oh, yeah?

185. Well, my front hurts, so touché.

186. Always a charmer. Hi.

187. Hi. I'm gonna go and get you a big ice-cold glass of water.

188. What do you think of that?

189. Oh, sweet mother of mercy, Carla, you were right, you were so right.

190. - What am I supposed to do now? - Duck.

191. Who paged me 'cause a patient thinks their tongue is too spongy? Huh? Who?

192. Under no circumstances tell any of them that I'm here.

193. Yeah, look. Just go home and tell Jordan how you feel.

194. Tell a woman how I feel? I guess you could... Duck.

195. This is ridiculous. He admitted him to cardiology because she has heartburn.

196. - I hate E.R. docs. - You don't understand my relationship.

197. Duck.

198. Now that's just not funny.

199. I don't know why I was scared of placing a femoral swan.

200. I guess I couldn't stop wishing there was someone over my shoulder.

201. I was even starting to see things.

202. Okay, Mr. Freed, I think I can do this.

203. - Mm? - I'm gonna need a C-arm in here.

204. - Want me to knock him out? - What are you doing in here?

205. I owe you. I'm helping you out.

206. This isn't like being a janitor. It's not something everybody can do.

207. Oh, so you can do my stuff, but I can't do yours?

208. Yes!

209. Okay, hotshot,

210. what would you use to get a coffee stain off a tiled floor?

211. I don't know. The rough side of a sponge?

212. Damn it.

213. Officer Berson's spiraling a bit.

214. Pulmonary edema seems secondary to acute mitral regurgitation.

215. If it is a flail leaflet, he'll need surgery.

216. But his vitals are so weak, I wouldn't be confident taking him to the O.R.

217. Ah, the classic Catch-22 between medical and surgical.

218. Bottom line, somebody needs to be decisive.

219. - Okay, here's the plan. We do nothing. - Sounds good.

220. - I'm in. - That's inspiring.

221. Well meet in a few hours to see if his vitals have improved.

222. Yeah, this ends now.

223. Turk should've known that the worst mistake a doctor can make

224. is setting foot in the hospital's free clinic, at night.

225. I don't care if you do shave down there. That's not even a medical issue.

226. But it sure is booty.

227. Ma'am, you don't have mono. But you do have halitosis. Mint?

228. Ma'am, three baby Tylenol is actually an underdose for a woman your size.

229. Ow!

230. Yes, congratulations, you are double-jointed.

231. You can see we don't have any more beds

232. and really can't handle any more patients.

233. Okay, you talk way too fast.

234. If you could just keep one person downstairs, we'd throw a parade for you.

235. She needs you to give her a break.

236. Oh, well, tell her we're really swamped.

237. - She can understand you. - Yeah.

238. Well, then, understand this. Chill out, bitty.

239. - Hey. - Hey.

240. Didn't you go to get water, like, an hour ago?

241. More or less. Jordan, there's something I really want to say to you.

242. Can you say it while I'm drinking water? Because I'm dying of thirst.

243. I like you... again. There.

244. You win. You can do your victory dance or slaughter a goat,

245. or whatever it is you do when you're happy.

246. - You don't like me. - I watch you sleep.

247. That just gives me the heebie-jeebies.

248. I can't stop thinking about putting up with you.

249. Look, this is pointless, angry, shallow sex.

250. Why would you go and ruin something like that?

251. I'm real sorry, but that's not enough for me anymore.

252. Sweetie, I have feelings for you too, I do,

253. but, unlike you, I have some balls,

254. so you don't hear me whining about it.

255. Look, Perry, I can't let you back into my life,

256. and watch you personally and professionally sabotage

257. every single chance that you get.

258. It's too hard. I can't do it.

259. But I have changed. I have.

260. I see a shrink now. I...

261. I actually see two, to tell you the truth.

262. Good God, what do you want me to do to prove that I'm not that guy anymore?

263. Mmm.

264. There you are. Had to make me sweat, didn't you?

265. Good for you, buckaroo.

266. Here. I took the liberty of writing out my introduction.

267. Oh. "Bob Kelso is the love of my life."

268. My wife was going to do it.

269. She doesn't even seem to be here.

270. Ah, what are you gonna do?

271. - Lovely. - Ha.

272. You rang?

273. - Lurch. - Oh.

274. Um, my stethoscope is stuck up there

275. and I need you to get it down for me.

276. - You put it up there. - That's really neither here nor there.

277. - Fine. Right. We're even. - Oh, thank God.

278. You could've just asked me to stop hassling you for a year.

279. - Okay. I want that, then. - It's too late.

280. But I use those for listening.

281. Oh, they want you upstairs in room...

282. - 208. - Okay.

283. His vitals are the same. There's got to be one attending in this hospital.

284. - You guys are unbelievable. - Thank you, baby.

285. - Not the good kind. - I know.

286. You all claim you want more responsibility,

287. but you're being outsmarted by a doctor with scrubs made of hemp.

288. You're afraid to stand up to a volunteer who's answering the phones.

289. And did you ever place that femoral swan?

290. It's on my to-do list.

291. I know you were hoping Officer Berson's vitals would go up or down

292. and this decision would be made for you, but guess what?

293. Nothing's changed. So it's on you.

294. We all knew what we had to do.

295. Surgery.

296. Sometimes just making a decision is half the battle.

297. Your shinunununununs could be louder.

298. You guys were fine.

299. Good evening, everybody.

300. Bob Kelso is...

301. In moments of truth, we always reveal who we really are.

302. Bob Kelso is an awful, awful man.

303. I'm not joking. He's the devil.

304. What's wrong with you people? This is...

305. Great stuff, Perry, great stuff. Is this guy a hoot or what?

306. - I'll get your ass for this. - Jor... Jordan.

307. Thank you. Thank you.

308. Sometimes we're our own worst enemy.

309. And sometimes we rise to the occasion.

310. Everything went really well.

311. Even though we know that tomorrow morning,

312. the three of us will go back to being the most unappreciated people

313. in the whole damn hospital.

314. What are you doing here? I thought you were off last night.

315. I switched shifts to help some friends. Have a good one.

316. Guys, wait up.

317. Shut the hell up, Ted, it's morning.