Scrubs 2x2

1. I was happy to say that the treatment I'd found for Dr. Cox

2. was working and he was finally feeling like himself again.

3. You're a huge disappointment.

4. Breathe so your eyes don't well, and confidence.

5. You can say any mean thing you want to me.

6. I'm just glad you have the energy to say it.

7. Oldie, half the reason I gave you this job

8. was so that you'd find someone to drive you as crazy as you drove me.

9. Hell, Barbie found someone.

10. So just modulate the pressure.

11. - Oh! Frick. - Shiggity.

12. Check out, uh, Montel over here.

13. Remember, Dashana, we spin into our gown to stay sterile and stylish.

14. Five, six, seven, eight.

15. Tens across the board.

16. - Yours was so much better. - Oh. Thank you.

17. Well, even The Todd has a mentee.

18. Not bad, but a little stiff.

19. You know what's a lot of stiff?

20. Shh. Not yet. Take it slow.

21. I just haven't had the time to focus on one person.

22. I'm so swamped. I would need, like, four of me.

23. I know just what we'd do.

24. In the criminal justice system,

25. the people are represented by two separate, equally important groups.

26. These are their stories.

27. Dun dun.

28. Oldie, not connecting with anyone is the surest path

29. to becoming a soulless administrator.

30. So, you go ahead and find your special someone, but for the love of God,

31. do it before your mentor eggs shrivel up and die inside your body.

32. Dr. Cox was right. I'm the doctor I am today because of him.

33. I need to take someone under my wing, but who?

34. Hey, Dr. D, I'd love to get some advice from you,

35. - both personal and professional. - Not now, Dustin.

36. Grant Summers, the new Chief Resident.

37. I hadn't really gotten to know him yet, but everyone seemed to love him.

38. I'm still not totally sold on the nicknames,

39. but with you, I'm working with Blake Tahoe, Philly Cheese Blake.

40. But you look like a one-man party.

41. I'm going Wake and Blake.

42. - Asher, do you run? - Not really.

43. There goes Asher Dasher.

44. Um, oh! Have you ever exposed yourself on the subway, Asher Flasher?

45. - I will learn to run. - Sorry, dude.

46. I'm still getting my bearings around here. I don't even know where the bathroom is.

47. Yesterday, I just peed in a cup and gave it to the lab.

48. - Turns out I'm pre-diabetic. - Oh.

49. It's quite the roller coaster.

50. Here's a guy who needs me.

51. An insecure young leader just trying to make a difference.

52. I see so much of myself in him.

53. Sometimes in a hospital what's right in...

54. Move, Dustin.

55. The icebreaker was simple.

56. Grant loves nicknames, and I'm amazing at them.

57. What up, G-spot? Missed it.

58. It's all right, nicknames are hard. Let's just sit in it.

59. - Here we are. - Hey, Grant,

60. why don't you round with me today? I can show you the ropes.

61. Round with the Chief of Medicine? It'd be an honor.

62. The honor would be all mine.

63. Okay, he let you in. Give his shoulder a mentoring squeeze.

64. But man, look at those cheeks.

65. - I'm so sorry. - With these bad boys,

66. practically asking for it.

67. Maybe I should call you the Cheek Resident.

68. - Maybe you should let go. Yep. - Yeah, you're probably right.

69. - Let's go raw dog some rounds. - Are you okay?

70. I'm not sure.

71. Dr. Turk, can I please pick the next song?

72. Yeah, as long as it's from my playlist.

73. Oh, great. Nothing but songs from before I was born.

74. They're called classics.

75. You gotta earn the right to DJ in my OR, Dashana.

76. Closing. Mimi, I need more light.

77. Oh, okay. Let me just cut a hole in the ceiling so I can let in the sun.

78. Or you can bring your reading glasses like I told you.

79. And I told you I only need those glasses

80. to read the rules on the back of my scratch-offs.

81. Hey, I got this. I've been practicing my knots at home.

82. Okay, go ahead.

83. Karate chop, claw, square knot, boom.

84. Did she do it right?

85. I can't see. I'm blinded by all your lights.

86. Sorry, I don't mean to interrupt,

87. but there's something about the red in that blood and the green in your eyes.

88. It makes me want to spend Christmas in London with you.

89. Can we go to Hogwarts?

90. It doesn't exist, I don't think. But I'll try. I'll do my best.

91. - Okay. - Dobby likes you.

92. Stop.

93. - Tosh, I think you got enough blood. - Oh.

94. Mr. Pataky?

95. Thank you, Mr. Pataky. Have some juice.

96. So sorry. I did not mean to do that. It will not happen again. I was distracted.

97. There's always gonna be some boy you're sleeping with

98. that nobody thinks is right for you.

99. - Wait, what? What? - Wait, what? What?

100. You're halfway through your intern year,

101. you have to start thinking about your specialty.

102. I am. It's just such a big commitment.

103. It's like how I almost married my high school boyfriend Jeff.

104. And now he's doing five years

105. for squatting in his grandma's senior living facility.

106. It's like, what if I pick oncology and oncology is Jeff.

107. I had a Jeff too. Craig.

108. The dirt bike king of Greenwich, Connecticut.

109. Oh, my God, we were so in love. And he was so hot.

110. Until he tried to jump that quarry.

111. The helmet saved his head, but the rest of him was nowhere to be found.

112. I guess what I'm trying to say here is let's get your career a helmet.

113. - Mmm? - Mm-hmm.

114. Mr. Pataky.

115. Hey.

116. Ah, the admissions hallway, or as I like to call it, the hall of legends.

117. Whoa. Check you out.

118. Oh, that. Sometimes I forget I even did that silly old thing.

119. That's really, really good…

120. If I had dead eyes.

121. Where is the twinkle? Did you not learn to paint a twinkle?

122. None of these have any twinkle. Give me your brush.

123. I'll do it myself in the bathroom mirror.

124. Mmm. That is good twinkle.

125. And is this the evil billionaire who owns this place?

126. Oh. No, no, no, that's Dr. Cox. He's my old mentor.

127. Yeah, he has microscopic polyangiitis, but he's in full remission.

128. You should see how he looks at me now.

129. Oh.

130. - Hello, Dr. Cox. That's his morning scowl. - Mmm.

131. This is Grant.

132. As his grand mentor, would you like him to call you Grandpop, Pappy, or Pop Pop?

133. No, I'm not gonna… I'm calling him Dr. Cox.

134. Pop Pop, it is.

135. I was just telling Grant you're feeling better.

136. No, I am indeed, except for this one little side effect.

137. Your bill is $35,000?

138. That's per infusion, Oldie.

139. And seeing as I still have 12 infusions left, I am going to choose death.

140. And no, you may not come to the funeral.

141. Grant, you may come. You seem cool.

142. No, we are not fist-bumping bad things. I will figure this out. Just stick around.

143. Stick around? You understand?

144. Every time I try to walk out those doors, I get sucked back in

145. like it's some sort of fluorescent-lit purgatory.

146. Do you ever say one sentence and then stop?

147. No, he doesn't. And now you've angered him.

148. Let's walk away or you'll lose your funeral invite and I'm your plus one.

149. To figure out Dr. Cox's insurance problem, I'd need a little help.

150. Hey, Francois, does Barbara in admin still have a huge crush on you?

151. Oh, yes, she does.

152. - Her gaydar is set to church mode. - Okay, great.

153. I wanna try and appeal Dr. Cox's insurance denial,

154. and I want you to convince Barbara to expedite it.

155. Nurse Dubois, you do not have to do anything you don't want to do.

156. Besides, it's never gonna work.

157. Oh, baby, it's gonna work.

158. Kiss me on the mouth, you beautiful bald bastard.

159. Yo, Babs.

160. Let me holler at you real quick.

161. - Hey, girl. - Easy, don't over straight.

162. Boom!

163. Don't need glasses to see that one.

164. What is that about?

165. 'Cause I won't wear my glasses in the OR,

166. this one thinks she's running laps around me.

167. Just wear your glasses, dude. Father Time comes for all of us.

168. You got some old-ass eyes, boy.

169. Let me guess, my Father Time is Flavor Flav.

170. False. It was an older white gentleman not wearing a clock around his neck.

171. Dashana, cover me. I'm about to derail the D-train.

172. Oh.

173. Okay, I made a list of specialties.

174. It's super hard to get a fellowship these days, right?

175. But they always need women in dermatology, OB, pediatrics.

176. Okay, let me stop you right there.

177. I do not want you to feel forced into some female specialty.

178. I mean, yes, peds is a noble profession, but I take care of enough kids at home.

179. One.

180. You can join the dermo divas.

181. It's easy money and all the fillers and Botox you could want.

182. - Oh, wait, slay. - No slay, Tosh.

183. I did Botox once. Do not go down that road.

184. Try telling a patient, "I'm so sorry your cancer's back," with frozen bitch face.

185. Okay then, no lady stuff.

186. - Neurology. - You could, but it's boring

187. and you'd be with those guys.

188. - They kind of look like... - Penises?

189. - Yeah. - Yeah.

190. Look, Tosh, what are you excited about?

191. I had an endocrinology case the other day that was really fascinating.

192. That's great. I loved endo too.

193. And I'm super tight with the head of the department, Dr. Buckley.

194. Here, give him a call.

195. Thank you.

196. - Cox's insurance denied the appeal. - Damn it.

197. Also, Dubois needs to leave early. Barbara's taking him to P.F. Chang's.

198. P.F. Chang's? That's the horniest restaurant in town.

199. - I know. - It's okay.

200. He'll do what needs to be done, and so will we.

201. Lead and I shall follow, my captain.

202. Dr. Cox and I used to figure out insurance work-arounds all the time.

203. What's a work-around when insurance refuses to cover someone as an outpatient?

204. We admit him.

205. In here, insurance has to cover the treatment.

206. But Dr. Cox has no reason to be admitted.

207. That's where you come in.

208. I'm gonna need a favor, Mr. Chief Resident.

209. Anything for you, boss man.

210. I need you to admit Dr. Cox.

211. Nope, can't do that.

212. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

213. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey.

214. No, that was a little quick. We're just spitballing.

215. We're just a mentor and a mentee shooting the S-word, okay?

216. We're just kind of free flowing.

217. - It's like jazz. - Okay.

218. You're the trumpet, I'm the trombone.

219. - Loosen your shoulders. Shake it out. - All right.

220. Here comes my trombone thing. Ready?

221. I say something like, "Hey, man, I need you to admit Dr. Cox,"

222. and you hit me with a little…

223. No, I cannot do that. It's super illegal.

224. And here it was, the moment I'd do for Grant what Dr. Cox did for me.

225. Look, Grant, um,

226. I think we all come in here thinking we know what's right and what's wrong.

227. And then we realize we're working in a completely broken system.

228. So, if occasionally we have to put ourselves on the line,

229. we do it.

230. - Wow. - Yeah.

231. There it is.

232. Now you can touch his shoulder. You've earned it.

233. Not cheek, back to shoulder. Mmm. Shoulder.

234. Okay. First one to 20 bananas using a running suture wins.

235. Forgive me, Father, for what I'm about to do to this intern,

236. for she knows not what she's unleashed.

237. Don't worry about them glasses, pops. You're gonna feel this win.

238. Okay.

239. Mimi, hit it.

240. Mimi!

241. I meant the phone.

242. Whatever.

243. Slow is smooth. Smooth is fast.

244. Boom. One, easy. Let's go with the next one.

245. I'ma do it with my eyes closed.

246. Ooh.

247. Unfortunately, like they say, Father Time comes for everyone.

248. Your hands looking a little shaky there, pops.

249. Not at all. I need more light.

250. Boom! Done.

251. It is my house now.

252. What's up, D-train?

253. Don't need glasses to see that.

254. Ay, ay, ay, what? Ay, ay…

255. Asher, quick medical question.

256. Is this a real question or one of your wonderful moments of whimsy?

257. I think I'm having an allergic reaction.

258. - Ah. Whimsy it is. - Oh, no, my throat's closing up.

259. Dr. Tosh, I'm Dr. Gould, pediatrics.

260. Have you picked your specialty yet?

261. Because I think you have the bedside manner

262. our young patients would appreciate.

263. - I do? - Mm-hmm.

264. Oh.

265. Absolutely. Here's my card.

266. Ah. Thank you, Dr. Gould, but unfortunately,

267. Dr. Tosh is very passionate about endocrinology.

268. Yeah, I'm really into glands.

269. Children have glands.

270. - I like 'em big. - Huge.

271. Thanks anyway.

272. I have a mentee now. Grant.

273. We're like two cool jazz cats, jazzing some riffs together.

274. I don't know. Everything I know about jazz I learned from watching La La Land.

275. Oh. I get it. I feel like I really helped guide Tosh on her path to endocrinology.

276. Is it a bike path?

277. What the one-wheeled frick?

278. Dr. Dorian, a moment. Grant Summers has reported you.

279. He says you tried to jeopardize his career.

280. - What? - Grant Summers has...

281. No, I heard you. I just can't believe it.

282. I never should have trusted those cheeks.

283. You went to Sibby and told on me? You could've just come to me.

284. First of all, hello.

285. Second of all, it's not a big deal. It wasn't about you.

286. It was more about the insurance fraud you wanted me to commit

287. under the guise of some kind of jazz improv.

288. I think you're oversimplifying this.

289. Dr. Cox is one of the most important people in my life.

290. I totally hear you, okay?

291. And maybe that's how they did things in the 1980s

292. when everyone was doing blow off of each other's Trans Ams.

293. Maybe I should tank my career for a friend of yours

294. who seems to hate you.

295. He doesn't hate me.

296. That's just how he is on the outside. I have been inside of him.

297. Why does the pediatric ward at every hospital look like Satan's playhouse?

298. Mm-hmm. I do not go in there without my Bible.

299. Oh, my God.

300. Angie, get that hair out of your face.

301. Oh. Dr. Reid, what brings you in?

302. I asked you nicely to back off Dr. Tosh. She's got bigger plans than peds.

303. So you think helping sick kids is beneath her?

304. Oh. Take off your halo, Steffie.

305. Look, Dr. Tosh is young and insecure,

306. and she's swayed by anyone who shows her even the slightest bit of attention,

307. whether it's her boyfriend or you.

308. Good to know that's what you think of me.

309. Frick on a stick!

310. Sam, I'm not trying to be harsh, but these fellowships are incredibly competitive,

311. - and you cannot get distracted. - I'm not distracted.

312. I'm just not sure I wanna do what you want me to do.

313. I'm just trying stuff out.

314. Trying stuff out?

315. This isn't college where you have a couple glasses of wine

316. and kiss someone with a bajingo. Grow up.

317. Me grow up? Say "vagina."

318. There are children here.

319. Actually, we do encourage the children to use the correct anatomical terms.

320. Well, this is a madhouse.

321. There he is.

322. As chief, I had to do the mature thing. Let Grant know he was dead to me.

323. Oh. Hey, Blake.

324. Uh, I've been thinking, I'd really like to mentor you.

325. Oh. Wow. Uh, I'm so flattered.

326. But you know, what we have is working for me. I'd hate to screw that up.

327. Oh, really? 'Cause, you know, last week when we were intubating that guy,

328. I thought we really connected.

329. I… I know you felt that too.

330. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, we had fun, but, uh, that's all that was.

331. Oh.

332. Hey, you're gonna make some intern really happy someday.

333. I think I just got friend-zoned by an intern.

334. Well, at least Grant didn't see it.

335. Flip!

336. - Sup. - Barbie, I don't want to be bothered.

337. I get why you left. This whole generation of interns is impossible, right?

338. Here's what we're going to do.

339. You're gonna go ahead and tell me your problem, and if I can solve it,

340. maybe I'll finally be able to cross over.

341. I have tried so hard to help Tosh.

342. She's not taking any advice, now she's gonna blow her whole future.

343. I'm gonna go ahead and stop you right there.

344. Because this isn't about Tosh's future. This is about your past.

345. Oh, damn it.

346. Nothing. God didn't take me.

347. What do you mean, my past?

348. Oh, come on, Barbie,

349. you were the most ambitious intern in this whole place

350. until you and J.D. started doing that whole…

351. "Will they? Won't they? Will they? Won't they? Can't they please just stop?

352. Oh, no, they're getting married and I have to go to it."

353. …thing.

354. It's all about you.

355. And what you feel you didn't accomplish in your own life.

356. You really think I was the most ambitious? Thank you.

357. What did I ever do to you?

358. Dear God.

359. Yo, Dr. Turk, I got my playlist locked and loaded for surgery.

360. But I'm just not sure how to thumbtack it to the wall, though.

361. You beat me suturing bananas. You shouldn't gloat about that.

362. Okay, so you can gloat,

363. but because I'm a woman, I'm not allowed to champion myself?

364. Here are the things you gloated about today.

365. - How shiny your head is. - Mm-hmm.

366. How perfectly you parallel parked your car.

367. How you braided all your daughters' hair in under ten minutes.

368. Impossible, by the way.

369. Dashana, you're tripping, okay?

370. 'Cause I've earned the right to gloat after all my years working here.

371. I didn't gloat when I was your level.

372. Please, God, let this be my final test.

373. Dashana.

374. It turns out that you are not in fact tripping.

375. Thank you.

376. - That's what an ally looks like. - Ha.

377. You seriously think that you never gloated?

378. For the love of God, you used to run around this place

379. telling everybody they were going to name the hospital after you.

380. And I'm sorry, but is this the Turk Whatever-your-last-name-is Wing?

381. Turk is my last name.

382. You'd damn sure never know it 'cause it's not written on any of the walls.

383. Come on, you aren't really worried that she's better than you.

384. Hell, you're at the peak of your skills.

385. You're damn right I'm at the peak of my skills.

386. Of course, once you reach your peak,

387. there's really only one way to go, isn't there?

388. Like all surgeons, your whole life has been this place.

389. You have no hobbies. Your children will soon be grown and gone.

390. You have put everything into this career.

391. And you're afraid now that when it finally is all over,

392. you won't know who you are without it.

393. Right. What do I do?

394. You don't realize it yet, but when you get to where I am,

395. you will see it was never about your best cases or your worst ones.

396. Hell, your patients will largely be a blur.

397. The one thing you will remember

398. is the work you put in turning these annoying, pain-in-the-ass kids

399. into real doctors.

400. No matter how hard they make it.

401. Thank you.

402. Wasn't talking to you.

403. So, yeah, Grant pissed me off,

404. but I had forgotten the most important thing about my relationship with Dr. Cox.

405. I annoyed the hell out of him too.

406. What's the plan today? Stealing a wish from a sick kid for your golf buddy?

407. For the record, Dr. Cox is not my golf buddy.

408. He prefers full-size golf.

409. I like to Skee-Ball after a few rounds.

410. - Right. - But I still had to teach him

411. and hope I could help make him into a great doctor.

412. - Come on and round with me. - Really?

413. Yes.

414. You're not going to touch my cheeks again, are you?

415. I can't make any promises.

416. Sometimes as a mentor, you think you're there to give guidance.

417. I was just frustrated because It's too late for me,

418. and I didn't want that to happen to you.

419. But you were actually the one who needed a little inspiration.

420. Too late? It is so not too late for you.

421. - You don't think so? - No.

422. You could do whatever you want.

423. You could write a book or a medical podcast. You love talking.

424. Oh, my God, you're right. I could do anything.

425. Get "Welliot" with Elliot, huh?

426. Yeah, we'll keep thinking on that, mama.

427. In the end, the best mentors know that one day it'll be your turn.

428. You okay? It's a little faster than your cat-in-the-hat rhymes, huh?

429. Enjoy your little victory.

430. One day it'll be your playlist on the wall.

431. Until then, let me show you how to do the Aberdeen knot.

432. And when you do find the right mentor, you hold on to them for a lifetime.

433. I'm going to admit you.

434. I know I don't have any legit reason, but it's the only way to get you covered.

435. Absolutely not.

436. The board will have your ass,

437. and I did not give you this job so you could lose it.

438. This is what you taught me to do.

439. And you used to protect me from the fallout.

440. Well, now it is my turn to protect you. You have passed the baton.

441. And I wish I had the baton so I could beat you with it.

442. Get in the chair.

443. - No. - Dubois.

444. Get your ass in the damn chair.

445. Gentlemen, imagine what we could accomplish if we all work together.

446. We could cure a rare disease.

447. Treat four times as many patients.

448. I think I may have a better idea.

449. - How about a hug? - Drop dead.

450. - Can I have a hug? - Buzz off.

451. - I'd love a hug. - Not a chance.

452. Don't forget about me.

453. No!

454. Did somebody have a bad dream?

455. Let the other three know there's more where that came from.