Scrubs 2x17

1. You've been avoiding Dr. Cox

2. ever since Jordan told you her baby was actually his.

3. But this chance meeting is a sign.

4. Time to let go of the secret.

5. You just need to find a smooth way in.

6. Hey, Dr. Cox. Taking a whiz?

7. We've been over this before, Newbie. Eyes front, no talking.

8. OK, fine, I'll just read the wall.

9. "J.D. has a tiny pickle."

10. Kudos for honesty there, Newbie, but again no talking.

11. Dr. Cox, I have to tell you something.

12. Aw, Perry, you pee standing up at work?

13. That is so cute. Would you come on? We're on a tight schedule.

14. You know, with all the baby weight you haven't lost yet,

15. I went ahead and assumed you'd be used to tight things by now.

16. Aw, that's lovely. Well, hello, sailor.

17. Ahoy.

18. My goodness, Newbie, are you so uncomfortable with Jordan here

19. that you've in fact, stopped peeing mid-stream?

20. I may have.

21. Yes!

22. I wonder why Dr. Cox and Jordan got divorced.

23. They act like they hate each other, but that's just for show.

24. Yeah, whatever.

25. Are you going to stretch before you play?

26. Turk likes to blow off steam by playing basketball before surgery.

27. I always get my ass kicked but not today.

28. Grr!

29. And that's game.

30. How the hell did we lose? We have Chet.

31. - Sorry, man. - Chet, you suck.

32. You know what? Some stereotypes are true, Turk, OK.

33. And just maybe, black people are a little better at basketball.

34. What do you say?

35. Ha!

36. - Maybe a little. - Y'all got hockey.

37. Why do you think they got divorced?

38. I have no idea. I can't believe you had to pee in front of Jordan.

39. I could not do that. Paul's my boyfriend

40. and I make him turn the volume way up on the TV when I go.

41. Plus, he's not allowed in the apartment an hour before or after I do twosies.

42. Elliot, you're a doctor. Stop calling it twosies.

43. Oh, with patients I say dookie. Oh, dookie.

44. Well, Maggie, I can only assume you are wiling away the morning

45. cat-chatting with your favorite gal pal

46. because you've finished pre-rounding.

47. - I haven't even started yet. - What?

48. - Gotcha. Finished. - Good one. My heart is racing.

49. - Quite the prankster. - I could tell some stories.

50. If there's a God, you never will.

51. This is Mrs. Grayson's chart.

52. Her private-practice doctor just showed up so I am off this one.

53. Well, is there anything I need to do for her lung nodule?

54. I don't know, what do you say you start her on 20 CCs

55. of "it's not my problem anymore?"

56. Great. Another pretentious private-practice guy

57. who'll order me around while he counts his money all day.

58. - Hey, you must be J.D. - He knows my name.

59. I'm Dr. Fisher, I go by Pete.

60. Never call me Petey, we'll be friends for life.

61. Hey, look at this. Don't believe me? I already got you a latte.

62. - Thanks. A latte. - That's funny.

63. - We got a good one, Sally. - How's that funny?

64. Ah, just go with it.

65. I always pull pranks. Before, Dr. Cox was like, "Did you that do pre-rounding?"

66. I don't mean to interrupt. I do wanna hear that story.

67. Could you get a pulmonary consult for Sally for me?

68. Yeah...

69. You're thinking why didn't you do that,

70. but would you overstep your boundaries?

71. What if I was a territorial ass with a giant ego

72. or a territorial ego with a giant ass? Stop me, Sally!

73. And you're gonna help me. I need you to help me get Sally here out of bed,

74. That way, I can go back to trying to get her into bed.

75. - Stop! - You stop, foxy lady.

76. You're doing great. From now on, follow your instincts.

77. And you, don't flirt so much.

78. Wanna make him jealous?

79. No.

80. Thanks a latte. Thanks a lot.

81. Thanks a latte. I got it!

82. At a hospital, there's always one sure way to deal with boredom.

83. You guys wanna go laugh at the narcoleptic guy?

84. I know it sounds insensitive but let's face it, narcolepsy is a funny condition.

85. And it can be triggered by a number of things.

86. Like stress.

87. Or anger from, say, three double bogies in a row.

88. - Or, in Mr. Hilliard's case... - Sexual arousal?

89. I'm going in.

90. Is falling asleep after sex considered narcolepsy,

91. cos if it is, Mr. Roberts has got it.

92. First she'll stick her chest out and then she'll toss her hair.

93. That's sexy.

94. - Pen drop. - Oh, oops.

95. That did it.

96. Hell, yeah.

97. I have a boyfriend. Work is going well.

98. I actually feel cute for the first time in my life.

99. My self-esteem cannot be touched.

100. It's been so weird since I got engaged.

101. Oh, you're right, I'll never get married.

102. - Message received. - This is about me.

103. Oh, really? Oh, OK.

104. It's like, I don't feel attractive at all lately,

105. like I've lost my spark or something.

106. Remember what Kelso said about your hair yesterday?

107. It makes you look frumpy.

108. - I thought he said clumpy. - How is that better?

109. You don't know.

110. - Morning, boys. - Sir, this is where we play.

111. Funny, I thought this was where we worked.

112. Dr. Kelso, I have a low anterior resection later this afternoon

113. and I'd really like to exercise in order to be at my best.

114. Well, I'd really like to have grandkids someday,

115. but the last five Christmases, my son has brought his roommate Brad home,

116. so you tell me whether life is fair.

117. You did your residency here, too?

118. Are you kidding me? We lived, we loved, we sang to each other, for crying out loud.

119. Laverne, remember that time you and I got a little crazy, right?

120. Went down to the waterfall, stripped off our scrubs,

121. dove in. Remember that, Laverne?

122. Are you hitting the crack pipe?

123. See, that's the kinda magic I'm talking about, buddy.

124. - Hey, ladies. - You must know each other.

125. - Dr. Cox. - Petey.

126. Sometimes in an awkward situation,

127. the best thing to do is to go to your happy place.

128. It's not uncommon.

129. A lot of people keep plants in their apartment.

130. Right, J.D.?

131. Oh, Jay, you're so crazy.

132. We have a little history, yeah.

133. What's up his pooper?

134. He's mad cos I went into private practice

135. and he's stuck in this hellhole.

136. That guy was my mentor, man.

137. I mean, I lived and breathed for that guy's approval.

138. That's lame.

139. Once you learn his tricks, it's easier.

140. - Tell me about it. - Yeah.

141. No, I'm serious. Tell me about it.

142. Oh. Oh. Well, you know when he gets on his rants,

143. he gets all hyped up, his veins stick out of his neck and he starts yelling at you?

144. When he's done, look at him, stare him in the eye and say,

145. "I'm sorry, what were you saying?"

146. I don't know why, but it works. Trust me.

147. How do you get him to stop calling you girl's names?

148. - Girl's names? - Oh, never mind.

149. Dookies.

150. I've got to get this thing fixed.

151. Allow me.

152. May I?

153. Ah, yep.

154. See what you got here is a Medicom XJ.

155. It's got this hip guard. I'm guessing it's always coming loose.

156. - It is always coming loose. - Been there, seen it, fixed it.

157. - Give that a try, missy. - Thank you.

158. For what? For doing my job?

159. This kinda thing gets me up in the morning.

160. That and the smell of urinal cakes.

161. I'll see you around. Have a good one.

162. Back at you.

163. What are you smiling about?

164. Oh, I just made a new friend.

165. This is so unfair. Everyone has a way of taking the edge off.

166. You and I, we've got basketball,

167. Nurse Roberts, she's got her stories.

168. Some guy named D.R.K. must love Ms. Pac-Man,

169. cos he's got the high score of 41 million.

170. D.R.K.?

171. Dr. Kelso.

172. Oh, Ms. Pac-Man, I would sex that bow right off your head.

173. Eat those dots, you naughty, naughty girl.

174. - Hey, Dr. Cox. - Hey, buddy.

175. I was just thinking about you.

176. I was thinking how it might be nice

177. to have somebody around here who could help me out.

178. Somebody I could call, oh, gosh, my resident,

179. and we'd do stuff together, you know, medical stuff.

180. And it would just be peaches. But then it occurred to me

181. a guy who looked a hell of lot like you used to be that guy.

182. Monica, just because you have a new buddy

183. doesn't mean you can all of a sudden drop your regular duties

184. and I know I just said "drop your duties."

185. And so help me God, if you even smile

186. I will crush you into two little Newbie cubes

187. and hang you from my rearview mirror.

188. What do you gotta say for yourself?

189. Just do it.

190. I'm sorry, did you say something?

191. Welcome to today's lecture.

192. The Biomechanical Reaction Of Dr. Perry Cox

193. When He's Not Being Listened To.

194. Stage one: The Jaw Clench.

195. Quickly followed by stage two: Syllable Elongation.

196. Newbie, I re-hee-hee-ly don't have time to repeat myself.

197. Finally, stage three,

198. Dr. Cox begrudgingly offers a little respect,

199. then distances himself by overusing the word "there."

200. But I gotta give it to you there for yanking my chain there.

201. There.

202. The young soldier is offered a prize for his courage.

203. Get ready.

204. I'll tell you what there, Newbie.

205. If you wanna stick around and help me out

206. with Mrs. Riley's pericardiocentisis after work,

207. that'd be great.

208. I knew this was his way of reaching out, but still...

209. - I have plans tonight. - Oh, what plans?

210. OK, think of something believable. Grandma died.

211. Don't, because if she does die, you'll feel awful

212. and let's face it, she's no spring chicken. I should call her.

213. But then whenever we talk, I have nothing to say.

214. How about asking me how I am for once?

215. - Newbie. - My grandma died.

216. Hello, Mr. Hilliard.

217. Hey.

218. I just wanna make sure you're comfortable.

219. - Who are you? - They call me Carla.

220. OK, Carla it is.

221. Mr. Hilliard? Do I have something on my...

222. lips?

223. Nope. Totally clean.

224. I felt guilty about blowing off Dr. Cox to grab a beer with Pete.

225. Of course, that was before we got Nancy as our waitress.

226. Nancy, the kid's a doctor for crying out loud, he saves lives.

227. That's worthy of your respect,

228. or at least one drunken weekend in Vegas.

229. - Three-day weekend. - Three-day weekend.

230. Columbus Day. That's coming up, right?

231. Come on.

232. Everyone deals with problems in their own way.

233. Some lash out at others.

234. Some just end up lashing out at themselves.

235. And some people just try to hide.

236. Nancy. Nancy.

237. Unfortunately, that never works.

238. Hey, Dr. Cox. Look, I'm so sorry I lied to you last night.

239. I should've just told you I was with Pete.

240. Did we just slip into some alternate dimension

241. where I give a flying duckie about what you say and do?

242. Look, I know that he's in private practice and everything,

243. but Pete's actually a really cool guy.

244. He is a bad guy. And Newbie, if you're smart,

245. you will stay away from him.

246. Oh, my God.

247. You're actually jealous that I'm hanging out with another doctor.

248. - No, I'm not. - Laverne?

249. - Jealous. - Ta-da!

250. Marsha, if I were you, I'd drop this jealousy thing right now.

251. Don't worry about it, champ. It's all right to need me.

252. Touchdown.

253. - Hi, Happy. - I'm hideous.

254. I can't even get Todd to make a sex joke.

255. Watch this.

256. Hey, Todd, I'm all out of the extra-long tongue depressors.

257. - Do you have one for me? - Sorry, Carla, I'm all out.

258. How did he not say, "Yeah, in my pants?"

259. I don't know, what is different about me since I got engaged?

260. Wait. I found one. It's not made of wood, but give me a minute.

261. Hey, have you checked Mr. Oberman for hypertension?

262. Because I've got hypertension right here.

263. No way...

264. Boobies.

265. Charts.

266. - I know it was you. - You mean this right here?

267. - This is mine from home. - 40 million, son.

268. Do you have any idea how many patients I had to ignore to get that high score?

269. - People died. - Well, what about me, sir?

270. I need to play basketball.

271. Since you lost that stupid game, aren't you more stressed out than usual?

272. Open! Open! Open!

273. Open!

274. - Maybe a little. - So what do we do now?

275. Now, this is how you relieve stress.

276. Dammit to hell.

277. The janitor's a nice person?

278. - He is such a sweetie. - Shh!

279. I'm gonna ask him an innocuous question,

280. and his answer will be filled with hate. Filled with it.

281. - How's it going? - Very well, sir.

282. Thank you for asking. How are you?

283. - Do you not see the hate? - What is wrong with you?

284. - That was a good one. - I think so.

285. All right. Go.

286. Hold it. No.

287. He's doing it.

288. What's the deal, Alpha Dog? You gonna cut me some slack?

289. Petey! Petey! Petey! Petey! Petey! Petey! Petey!

290. OK, good answer. I understand you're seeing Jordan again.

291. I just wanted to tell you, seriously, good for you.

292. Like to know what would be seriously good for you?

293. - More bran in my diet? - Never mention Jordan again.

294. Hey. Do you guys mind if I turn on CNN?

295. My grandma bought me a stock. I wanna see how it's doing.

296. Look at Rockefeller. Pass me the remote, buddy?

297. Cool, these guys are finally starting to get along.

298. - Or not. - No big deal.

299. I'll do one of these to change the channel.

300. We can just leave it on this station.

301. Mr. Hilliard, I like my body.

302. - OK. - I didn't always.

303. I remember when I was ten years old,

304. my swim coach telling me my butt stuck out too much.

305. Now I like it when my boyfriend looks at my wagon and goes, bam!

306. You know? I'm OK with my curves.

307. I realize women inject God-knows-what into their face to have lips like mine.

308. Mr. Hilliard!

309. I can hop out of the shower and look at my naked body

310. for ten seconds without losing it.

311. That's more than most women.

312. But still, when I can't make you fall asleep,

313. it's like hearing my swim coach's voice all over again.

314. And my body doesn't deserve that.

315. - So, what do you want me to do? - Fall asleep.

316. - I'm not attracted to you. - Why?

317. - You remind me of my sister. - But I'm not your sister.

318. That's what I'm talking about.

319. - Had to be done. - OK, terrific.

320. Grown-ups tackle each other all the time.

321. I can't change what already happened.

322. But believe me, I never meant to come between you and anyone.

323. Watching Dr. Cox and Pete fight over me was...

324. Oh, hell, I'll say it. It was awesome.

325. You went and took something that did not belong to you.

326. Seems a little possessive, but I'm flattered.

327. Worse than that,

328. you did it knowing full well exactly how I felt about her.

329. He just wouldn't be Dr. Cox if he didn't refer to me as a her.

330. Hey, for what it's worth, I didn't make the first move.

331. That's a lie. You bought me a latte.

332. Hey, guys.

333. We were having problems.

334. Problems that you knew all about because I confided in you.

335. What did you do with the information? You used it to get Jordan into bed, didn't you?

336. - Didn't you? - Perry, come on.

337. Go.

338. And finally the reason Dr. Cox and his wife got divorced

339. became abundantly clear.

340. Yes.

341. Get in there.

342. - Say it. - I'm your bitch.

343. Don't be too hard on yourself, sir. You've only been playing this game for like 56 years.

344. Dr. Kelso, is this young man a guest of yours?

345. Dave, I've never seen him before in my life.

346. Really?

347. Dave. Hey, man, you, you, you, you don't got...

348. Oh, yeah, I do. Don't you run from me.

349. Kelso!

350. Hey, hey, Jack Daniels, what's crackin'?

351. My cousin's volleyball team has a game tonight.

352. Tall girls, tiny shorts. You in?

353. - I think I'm gonna pass. - Oh, I get it.

354. You're still in Perririno's corner. But that's OK, buddy.

355. Look, just a word to the wise, all right?

356. Just be careful who you hitch your wagon to.

357. I mean that.

358. Yikes. I gotta go. OK?

359. Hi. Can I buy you a house?

360. I guess sometimes it comes down to loyalty.

361. Hey, Dr. Cox.

362. Still no talking in the bathroom, Newbie.

363. - You know what's weird? - That you're allowed to talk?

364. I never blamed Jordan. I was the chief resident, I was here all the time,

365. and I always made damn sure she knew she came second.

366. But God Almighty, I'm trying harder this time.

367. I just hope I'm doing the right thing, you know?

368. Who cares if Jordan wants to keep it a secret? Tell him it's his baby.

369. - Scream it from the mountains. - Dr. Cox!

370. - Oh, there you are. - Hey, babe.

371. Hi, handsome. How are you?

372. Oh, hello, D.J.

373. - Hey, Jordan. How you doing? - Oh.

374. Around here, you have to grab hold of the littlest victories.

375. Whether it's victories over your insecurities.

376. Dr. Kelso...?

377. Or security's victory over you.

378. Kelso!

379. Either way, you've got to choose your battles.

380. I want you to tell her the truth.

381. Tell her that you're a surly,

382. devious, horrible excuse for a human being.

383. Who's that?

384. - It's my son. - Oh, my God, J.D.

385. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't even see him there.

386. No, no, no. I'm glad he heard it.

387. I think it's important he sees how the world treats people like us.

388. I'm so sorry.

389. Who the hell are you?

390. Go on. Beat it.

391. Scram!

392. All right, stick around.