Scrubs 2x12

Directed by Chris Koch

Robert Maschio as Todd • Aloma Wright as Laverne Roberts • Sarah Lancaster as Lisa • Richard Kind as Mr. Corman • Larry Udy as Mr. Grimmett

Comeuppances are in store for Dr. Cox, Dr. Kelso and J.D. from a hypochondriac, a surgical patient and Elliot, who wants more than just sex from J.D.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Where the hell is Carla? We're gonna miss the previews.

2. - Hey, you're black, right? - Here we go.

3. I hate that stereotype that black people yell at movie screens.

4. Like you see some horror flick and you'd be yelling,

5. "Don't go in there, girl! He behind the door!" You know?

6. It's like... It's offensive.

7. You wish you were allowed to yell at the screen, don't ya?

8. Why does she go in there? I mean, he's behind the door!

9. It's weird to run into someone from the hospital

10. out in the real world.

11. - Hey, Dr Kelso. - How ya doing, sir?

12. I'm just Jim Dandy.

13. Now, unless your pants are made out of Turtle Wax,

14. I suggest you boys get your asses off of Bessie.

15. Oh, so you named your car, huh?

16. Ultimately, life is a lot simpler at home.

17. Unless you live with a co-worker you like

18. who decided she can't handle sleeping with you

19. and she just wants to be friends.

20. Oh, right.

21. - Morning, buddy. - Morning, pal.

22. I'll just go get dressed and then we can go to work.

23. All right, just relax. You can totally handle this.

24. Chop-chop, buddy.

25. Told you I could fit in this spot.

26. You were right. I'll just put this guy's side-view mirror on his roof.

27. Hey, JD.

28. Yes?

29. I wanted to say something before we go back in here.

30. - Go ahead. - I understand it's harder

31. for you to transition into being just friends again.

32. Why?

33. Because you're a guy.

34. What does that have to do with anything?

35. You're right. Know what we should do?

36. Everything I own is in this truck, including my bed.

37. We should just get in there, get naked,

38. and have sex one last time, just get it out of our system.

39. JD, I was kidding to prove a point.

40. I know.

41. Oh, yeah. This is how you like it.

42. See? This is good. I don't feel weird.

43. - I don't feel weird. - I feel weird.

44. OK, just tell her the truth. You're crazy about her.

45. - Look, Elliot, I... - Oh, damn.

46. I missed the annual sleepover, didn't I?

47. That wonderful time of year

48. when you two crazy kids throw caution to the wind

49. and make sweet, elbowy love to each other.

50. Don't you be shy. You can tell Uncle Coxy about the naught-ay.

51. Dr Cox, I lost my apartment and so I was just needing a place to stay.

52. So you went over to your friend's house

53. and cried on his shoulder, boo-hoo.

54. You comforted her because she was weak and vulnerable

55. and blah, blah, blah, nerdy sex.

56. The end. Dear Lord, Laverne, how in God's name

57. do you listen to this crap all day long?

58. Are you kidding? If he turns out to be her brother,

59. this is better than my stories.

60. Oh, you are so right.

61. Dude, what were her boobs like?

62. Todd, I'm standing right here.

63. I'm sorry. What are your boobs like?

64. Oh, joy of joys, Mr Corman, you've joined us yet again.

65. What imaginary disease is ailing you this time, my good man?

66. He thinks he has the Yaba virus.

67. Your hair got longer. And I don't appreciate your tone.

68. Last month you thought you had Familial Mediterranean Fever.

69. I was at my friend Kelly Papadopolous' wedding.

70. I share a glass of ouzo with this guy named Yanos.

71. 20 minutes later I'm in a cab,

72. I ask the guy to pull over because I'm gonna explode

73. in some guy's rose garden. Now what would you think?

74. Same thing I think right now.

75. You got yourself a bad case of the "Wish you were sicks."

76. Well, I read the symptoms on the Internet, OK? I have Yaba.

77. Have you been in contact with many exotic primates this year?

78. I have been to the zoo, yes.

79. And while you were there, did you jump into the cage

80. and play "toss the poop" with the other monkeys?

81. Because if you did, then you just might have Yaba.

82. But if that's the case, it would be way, way down

83. on the list of your problems.

84. - Give him a full work-up. - OK, you know the drill.

85. Here are my vitals. Here is the Mountain Dew.

86. Just kidding. That's my urine sample.

87. And you can start timing... now.

88. So, how you been doing? Still seeing that surgeon?

89. No talking.

90. OK, vision perfect.

91. Hey, are you trying to make time with my best girl, sport?

92. Now, how do you feel after surgery on your...?

93. - Brain. - Brain. Mrs Kaye is doing great,

94. but after this type of procedure most people experience

95. - a diminished reaction time. - Christopher, come here.

96. Maybe you should worry about your own reaction time.

97. Now, do you have a ride home today, dear?

98. - I drove myself. - Well,

99. it always warmed my heart to see your face.

100. I don't care what the old bat says,

101. I doubt she can back out of her own driveway.

102. Tell her you're calling the DMV and having her license revoked.

103. Why don't you tell her yourself, sir?

104. Cos she's my friend.

105. Don't be insensitive, son. It's ugly on you.

106. I can't take the sweet old lady's driver's license.

107. She reminds me of my gram-gram.

108. - Get someone else to do it. - Like who?

109. Give me it!

110. You want this? You want this? Psych!

111. - Never mind. - Hi, JD.

112. - Hey, Lisa. - Dude.

113. This gift-shop chick, did you ever...?

114. Turk! Elliot's right here.

115. - Why would I care? - I'm sorry.

116. I guess when I was passing by JD's room the other night,

117. he was telling a different Dr Reid not to stop.

118. - "Dr Reid"? Sweet. - You guys, this conversation

119. is starting to make me feel a little uncomfortable.

120. And I'm sure Dr Reid feels the same way.

121. No, I don't. You can... with anyone that you want.

122. So she wants to play chicken, huh? Well, buckle up, missy.

123. - Maybe I'll ask Lisa out again. - You should.

124. - Maybe I will. - Cool.

125. - Good. That's what I'll do. - Let me know how it goes.

126. I'm taking my own car in case you turn into a freak again.

127. It's a date!

128. The guy is here like a thousand times a year taking up a bed,

129. and every second with him is time away

130. from somebody I could help.

131. What do you want me to do about it?

132. Follow my lead.

133. Alas, Mr Corman, shockingly, all your labs have come back

134. and they're negative for everything.

135. - Oh, come on. - OK, I'll tell you what.

136. You have suggested that you're feeling rather tired lately,

137. - haven't you? - I'm listening.

138. - And that you bruise easily. - Like an old banana.

139. I think you're fine, but if you'd like,

140. we can go ahead and check out your bone marrow.

141. That would mean sticking an enormous needle

142. all the way through your hip,

143. and it's very, very, very excruciatingly painful.

144. - Right, Carla? - Yes.

145. Thank you, Carla. So what's it gonna be there?

146. Head home and get some rest, or an afternoon of senseless,

147. mind-numbing... agony?

148. Ah, what the hell, I'll take the giant hip needle.

149. There's no one around. Time to tell her how you really feel.

150. - You know, Elliot... - What's up, medical dogs?

151. You're smarter than him.

152. Think of something clever to get him outta here.

153. Hey, Todd.

154. What the hell? Did you just throw something out into the hall?

155. - So, anyway, Elliot... - Hey, I found an apartment.

156. Great! You know, but there's no rush for you to move out.

157. Are we gonna just live with each other forever

158. and anytime we feel lonely or vulnerable, we have hot sex?

159. - That would be stupid. - We're both human,

160. so staying in that situation would be a big mistake.

161. I know.

162. Sometimes when you're down, you end up taking it out on the wrong person.

163. - Going on vacation? - Cos I'm a janitor,

164. so when I pack for vacation I just pack cleaning supplies.

165. - That's funny. - I thought so.

166. Actually, I'm going to speak at my son's career day.

167. About being a janitor?

168. You think there aren't kids out there

169. that wanna grow up to make the world sparkle?

170. - I didn't mean it that way. - How did you mean it?

171. Look.

172. What the hell are you doing?

173. Dr Kelso, will you just hear me out?

174. All I'm saying is that Miss Kaye looks like she's in great shape.

175. Son, the woman is recovering from major surgery on her...

176. - Brain. - Dammit.

177. Why do I keep blanking on that?

178. Now, son, give me the real skinny.

179. Did you pull her license or not?

180. Yes, sir, I did.

181. OK, I didn't tell her yet, sir, but I swear I was gonna.

182. Well, Mr Corman, how'd that go for you?

183. Horrible pain. I made sounds like a dolphin giving birth.

184. Dr Cox, I think you should take a look at Mr Corman's chart.

185. What's he got, scurvy? There's no chance you were on a ship

186. - in the 1700s, is there? - Just look at the damn chart.

187. What is it?

188. You're sick.

189. - Really? - Really.

190. If I could get out of this place and get away from Elliot

191. for a while, I could regroup, you know?

192. But sometimes that's not so easy.

193. - My truck was right there. - Where is it now?

194. You'd have to ask the guys who stole it.

195. Everything I owned was in that truck.

196. JD, I don't know what I'm gonna do.

197. Gotta go. Good luck.

198. Tallyho!

199. She was going, like, 35 miles an hour.

200. All you saw was, like, knuckles and a bun. Poor Bessie.

201. What kind of grown man still names his car?

202. - You do. - I've had Malik since I was 17.

203. That's totally different. Don't worry about Kelso.

204. - His wife can drive him. - His wife hates him.

205. Morning, skipper.

206. I'm so dead.

207. Mr Corman,

208. I'm afraid you have Waldenstrom's macroglobulinemia.

209. It is a very rare form of... cancer.

210. Yeah... I think I had that in college once.

211. This is Dr Zeltzer.

212. He is the finest oncologist we have on staff.

213. Really? You think so?

214. - Yeah, I do. - Thank you.

215. - So, where do we start? - Well, first off, we need to...

216. Better than Leventhal?

217. Leventhal's a quack. You're the guy. You're the man.

218. - You can do it. - Bless you.

219. That was some catch. The patient shows almost no symptoms.

220. You called for a bone marrow biopsy?

221. What made you even think to do that?

222. How about he was unbelievably annoying,

223. and I wanted to scare him so bad

224. that he'd never come back in my hospital again?

225. Don't worry, Dr Zeltzer. He's only kidding.

226. Stupid. See, that's where Leventhal has the edge.

227. He would've got that. The man's hilarious.

228. Of course, he wouldn't be laughing so hard

229. if he knew I was sleeping with his wife.

230. I don't know. I didn't know it was just your patient.

231. - What? - Nothing.

232. - Then what's with the look? - I have a crick in my neck.

233. Since I no longer have any furniture for my new place,

234. I had to sleep in my tub last night.

235. Oh, how was your date?

236. The Italian people are really good at making sauce.

237. - Fantastic. - You're such an ass.

238. Could you speak up? Mr Roberts doesn't hear so well.

239. If you're looking for your beeswax, it's not over here.

240. Now she all mad.

241. I needed your help last night and you bailed on me.

242. You're the one that drew all these lines up,

243. said that we're not in a relationship.

244. JD, I wasn't looking for a boyfriend last night.

245. I was looking for a friend.

246. I guess she told him. Gotta go.

247. I was thinking about what you said and you're right.

248. Kids don't wanna hear about being a janitor.

249. - I never said that. - It's OK.

250. Cos instead, I'm gonna be a doctor.

251. I borrowed some stuff from your locker, our locker.

252. And, listen, if I don't get it back to you

253. within, like, two days, consider it gone.

254. I am so sorry. Miss Kaye told me about picking up her grandkids,

255. and she said she was feeling fine, and I believed her.

256. Doctor, follow me. Son, have you used drugs in the last 48 hours?

257. Oh, no, sir. Never use drugs.

258. Because this shot you're about to get could kill you

259. - if mixed with narcotics. - Oh, drugs. Yes, sir, all the time.

260. See? Waiting for the tox screen, six hours.

261. Frightening the bejeebies out of the riffraff, ten seconds.

262. Everybody lies, Dr Turk,

263. whether it's that doobie brother in there,

264. or, say, me when I tell my son he can still live at the house

265. after he graduates from art school. And by the way, sport,

266. Mrs Kaye doesn't have any grandchildren.

267. I'm still a virgin.

268. - You're pregnant. - Again?

269. Since the bypass, doc, nothing but salads.

270. Look, it was an accident.

271. My flashlight didn't have any batteries.

272. So you decided to put your penis in there?

273. Mr Corman, great news.

274. Dr Zeltzer and I have gone over your test results

275. and your prognosis is excellent.

276. - That's great. - Yeah, it is.

277. But you know what? Pat yourself on the back all you want,

278. but I'm not an idiot.

279. I know that you were screwing with me,

280. that I come in here thinking I'm sick when I'm not.

281. But if you remember anything, remember this.

282. If I didn't have cancer, I could have been just some guy

283. looking for help that you treated like crap.

284. Yeah.

285. The whole thing is giving me an ulcer.

286. You wanna be tested for that too, don't you?

287. Do you mind?

288. Hey, Elliot... Look, you were right.

289. I should have been there for you last night.

290. Thanks.

291. And I'm sorry you lost all your things. That totally sucks.

292. How are you holding up?

293. You know what? It was just stuff. I'm fine.

294. This is good. It feels like we've really turned a corner.

295. Throw her down on that gurney and mount her like a lion.

296. I know.

297. - Why didn't you stop me? - What?

298. Why did you let me harass that guy?

299. You think the fact that you got annoyed

300. and became insensitive with another human being is my fault?

301. Yeah! Look, whenever I'm about to do some stupid-ass stuff,

302. you're the one who calls me on it and damn sure makes me stop.

303. That's the way it works. That's the way it's worked for years.

304. Just exactly what happened to that?

305. I guess I just don't get as good a read on you as I used to.

306. Maybe all that therapy has changed you.

307. Please, I'm crazier than ever.

308. During this entire conversation I've actually been imagining myself

309. sitting on a throne between us, watching all of this.

310. Maybe we're just not as close as we used to be.

311. Maybe.

312. So you're just, like, right here watching us?

313. No. Other side. Yeah.

314. I'm invisible to the naked eye.

315. Of course.

316. Why so sad, Chocolate Bear?

317. I just don't feel like going back to that hospital, you know?

318. Yeah. Hey, is my breath OK?

319. I think Lisa and I might try talking tonight.

320. That whole damn building is packed with liars.

321. It is not.

322. Well, if the cut was that deep,

323. I'd probably just pull your arm off.

324. Once again...

325. Dr Jan ltor. Dr Jan ltor.

326. OK, maybe you're right. But we're doctors.

327. That comes with the territory.

328. Some patients don't like telling the whole truth.

329. Well, I don't get why people have to do that.

330. I don't know, maybe it's because they're proud.

331. Maybe it's cos they're scared.

332. You know what? It was just stuff. I'm fine.

333. Maybe it's because telling the truth

334. would make 'em feel too vulnerable.

335. I guess. Dude, you're gonna be late for Gift-Shop Girl.

336. Oh, my God.

337. There are a few things I've always believed in.

338. Flowers are good for any occasion.

339. Nothing is more important than making time for an old friend.

340. Especially if the old girl's seen better days.

341. Cos even if it breaks your heart to be just friends,

342. if you really care about someone, you'll take the hit.

343. And it wasn't just stuff.

344. It was all of my yearbooks and this little pink blanket

345. that my grandma had crocheted for me and...

346. Oh, and my first love letter. My first rag doll.

347. And I only had one picture of...

348. And my shoes!