Scrubs 1x8

1. I had finally hit my stride as chief of medicine.

2. I was bonding with the staff...

3. Okay, Mr. It's-a-New-Dawn-It's-a-New-Day.

4. Ooh, big doctor energy.

5. nailing it as a teacher...

6. Remember when I taught you about the oncotic pressure

7. and third spacing of fluid in liver patients?

8. - Thank you. - On it.

9. and keeping up physician morale.

10. Ooh.

11. Handful of cake and it ain't even my birthday.

12. I was born this way. Never done one squat.

13. Oh, I know.

14. Even Turk's rock-hard tush couldn't knock me off my game.

15. What the...

16. Good morning, oldie. You can imagine my pleasure and shock

17. to see you haven't yet turned this place into a Spirit Halloween store.

18. Kudos on passing the lowest bar possible.

19. What are you doing here? Is it something with me? I'm incredibly busy.

20. But okay, I've moved some things around. I'm free now.

21. Ugh, Perry, is this man bothering you?

22. No, but he has been for the better part of 25 years.

23. And if you must know, Park and I have dinner plans.

24. - Mmm. - But, pumpkin, relax,

25. we're gonna stop at Zales afterwards

26. and get you something gorge.

27. Oh, I love that. What piece of jewelry screams daddy issues?

28. - I wouldn't know, Park. - Oh, definitely a belly chain.

29. Well, if you're missing your daddy, then I'm thinking a locket.

30. Ooh, I would love a locket.

31. - Off we go. - Mmm.

32. Oldie.

33. Don't worry, he's gonna look back. He's gonna look back.

34. He's gonna look back. Nope. He put his arm on his shoulder.

35. I gotta hand it to you...

36. Dude, summon your big doctor energy and glide away.

37. I was thinking the same thing.

38. Same here.

39. Oh, my goodness. Doctor, you're really something.

40. Turk, come back.

41. I can't. I'm in my Jamiroquai flow state, baby.

42. He's so smooth.

43. Since Dr. Cox was here, I wanted to throw some extra sauce on rounds.

44. Luckily, I rewatched Independence Day last night.

45. Mankind.

46. That word should have extra meaning for us all today.

47. Nailed it.

48. Look, guys, you are no longer untrained, untested "newbies."

49. You have learned so much by now.

50. Dr. Dorian is right.

51. There it is. It only took 25 years.

52. You have so much more knowledge

53. than you did six months ago when you started with me.

54. Bet you feel pretty good about that, right?

55. Right?

56. Stop smiling. Because you are, in fact, dangerous.

57. You now know enough to think you know everything.

58. You're like that ten-year-old at the wheel of a Subaru.

59. Can your feet reach the pedals? Well, sure.

60. Should you actually operate the vehicle? Under no conditions.

61. And just like that ten-year-old, you're all potential killers.

62. - Uh, Dr. Cox, I'm gonna need you to... - That's right, killers.

63. Killers screaming "whee-hee" as you blow through the front of a diner,

64. nearly taking out an innocent family

65. - splitting up their cheesy fries... - It feels like you're not hearing me.

66. and sugary beverages.

67. He's not an employee. I'm powerless.

68. - It's okay, Sibby. - I need him to take a listen to me.

69. Allow me to put Dr. Cox's dark tableau through the John Dorian positivity filter.

70. You got this, okay? Just be alert and bring your A game.

71. We have a very challenging day today.

72. All I wanted was for my interns to shine in front of Dr. Cox today,

73. but unfortunately, the odds were against us.

74. You can't hide from the hippocratic rule of thirds.

75. One-third of very sick patients die no matter what you do,

76. one-third die because of what you do and one-third get better on their own.

77. We're going to do everything we can for you.

78. Tosh, patient's labs came back. She's hyponatremic.

79. - So start IV sodium replacement. - Got it.

80. Good. And don't let Dr. Cox being here get in your head.

81. Oh. I won't. I think he's hilarious.

82. Whenever he starts ranting, I record him and it, like, always goes viral.

83. You have a much healthier way of coping with him than I did.

84. I gave myself bangs, like, five times.

85. Oh, my God! I'm so sorry.

86. I wanted Perry to know just how well I was filling his shoes.

87. So the key to teaching my interns has been my radical approachability.

88. First of all, there are no dumb questions.

89. I see. So just dumb statements like that one?

90. I'm gonna ignore that. Second, I never wear my white coat.

91. I feel like when I dress like an intern, it says, "I'm just like you guys.

92. A superhero without a cape."

93. Well, you're gonna wanna swoop down out of the sky

94. and help your equal over there

95. find whatever it is he's looking for in the medical waste bin.

96. Fleming, I have told you before,

97. if your Invisalign is in there, it is gone for good.

98. Now get. Get, get.

99. Stupid Fleming and his underbite.

100. Where are all the interns I told to come and say nice things about me?

101. Dr. Dorian, once again, your brilliant teaching has saved a life.

102. - Go on. - My patient was cleared for discharge,

103. but something felt off.

104. So I ran some blood cultures and he's septic.

105. If you hadn't reviewed the signs with us this week, I wouldn't have caught it.

106. And there it was, the facial contortion Dr. Cox made

107. when he was struggling to choke down a compliment.

108. to you, sir.

109. I could kiss you.

110. Dr. Dorian, I get that the British thing is a huge turn-on.

111. It makes him seem both exotic and safe, but you cannot kiss him.

112. No, it's just a figure of speech. I'm not— I wasn't trying to kiss him.

113. No... ... I wasn't trying to kiss him either,

114. - but here we are. - May I be excused?

115. - Yes, please. Go. - Go to your room.

116. Thanks to the good news with Asher's patient,

117. the odds were starting to tip in our favor.

118. And I had to give it to Park, he was on top of it with Blake's patient.

119. I've been sick for three weeks. I'm burning up. I feel like death.

120. Can I get some antibiotics?

121. Here's what antibiotics will do for your viral infection, nothing.

122. Mmm.

123. Nice meeting you.

124. Whoa.

125. If you're leaving a comment card, his name's Dr. Park.

126. But he-he is right about the antibiotics.

127. Fine. But if he's wrong, I'm gonna sue both of you.

128. Cool.

129. Chris's infection was caught early

130. and we expect him to respond well to treatment.

131. I'm just waiting on one more test.

132. Thank you so much, Doctor.

133. You guys can go in.

134. - Hi, Dad. You better? - Hi, Dad.

135. I love that little voice you do when you're talking to families.

136. Well, I'm just doing all that I can for them.

137. Let's go to the supply closet right now.

138. Okay, I love supplies.

139. Here's the results for your sepsis patient.

140. You're not gonna like this.

141. The CT shows he has a deep neck abscess. I think he might need surgery.

142. What's all that whispering about? I knew what I hoped it was.

143. I was reluctant to say anything until it went through,

144. but I submitted me and J.D. for The Amazing Race.

145. Do you think you could cover for him for a month?

146. Well, only the father of medicine could cover for that man.

147. - And he's fine too. - Gorgeous.

148. Thank you.

149. When are you gonna stop needing his approval?

150. I don't know, Turk. When are you gonna stop loving Carla?

151. J.D., that is not an appropriate comparison.

152. The thing I don't get is, if Cox is just here for dinner,

153. why is he hanging around the hospital all day?

154. You think he's getting intel about my work as a chief?

155. Who cares? Everybody thinks you're doing a great job.

156. Just keep singing that psych-up song you sing in your office every morning.

157. Oh, I didn't know you could hear that.

158. But I don't care, because, baby, I am a firework.

159. Dr. Reid, I bolused the hypertonic saline solution for Tina.

160. Wait, you did what?

161. Oh, my God!

162. You can't bolus hypertonic saline. You have to calculate the sodium deficit.

163. Get me a nurse! Tell them to bring DDAVP and D5W!

164. I didn't know. W-Will she be okay? Or—

165. I don't know, Dr. Tosh. Move out of the way.

166. Just get out of the room.

167. Hey, did you see Danny's chest X-ray?

168. Let me guess, inconclusive with possible opacity.

169. Oh, we should give him the antibiotics.

170. It could be a viral pneumonia with bacterial superinfection.

171. What it is is a radiologist covering their ass.

172. If they say it's inconclusive, then they're not responsible

173. in the 0.0001% chance that it is pneumonia.

174. Yeah, but we're on the hook if it is.

175. Are you really letting your patient dictate how you treat him?

176. You have the vibe of a dom top, but you doctor like a sub bottom.

177. I bartended at a gay bar. So I know what that means.

178. And if being a sub bottom means not getting sued or worse,

179. then give it to me, Daddy.

180. How's my patient?

181. We have to see how he does after he gets out of recovery.

182. I don't understand. I-I did everything right.

183. I caught the infection early, but he still got worse.

184. Kid, you gotta figure out a way to cope with stress.

185. You know what? I have a method I use that could help. Follow me.

186. All right, the rules of the game are simple.

187. You must jump off the physical therapy trampoline

188. and then shoot the mannequin's head into the bin. Got it?

189. - I don't think I can hit that. - Maybe, maybe not.

190. But when my daughter was in NICU, all I could do was wait

191. and this saved my life.

192. Pro tip, elbows in, fingertips on the eyelids.

193. Let's go.

194. You can do it.

195. Even if she lives, she could have neurologic deficit or be in a coma.

196. Tosh, you can't beat yourself up.

197. - If I kill someone? - Well, when you put it like that...

198. Okay, but none of that has happened. Hopefully, she'll be okay.

199. Moments like this live with interns forever.

200. When a patient is a victim of a mistake, doctors are the second victim.

201. Tosh, I know all you're doing is worrying about that patient.

202. But it's my job to worry about you.

203. I want you to go see a counselor right now.

204. Honestly, the only positive right now

205. is that my mentor wasn't here to see everything fall apart.

206. I knew white guys were bad at this, but British white guys are the worst.

207. I can't stand this waiting.

208. There has to be something else we can do for the patient.

209. Kid, there isn't. We both did everything we could.

210. So now's the time to let it go or leave it with God or the universe

211. or whatever it is you believe in.

212. Well, that's never worked for me.

213. But okay, I believe if you make that basket, our patient will be okay.

214. I don't like putting that type of pressure on myself

215. and we're doing this to take our minds off of it. But okay.

216. Come on, let me show you how it's done. You ready for this?

217. Here we go. I got something.

218. Bank shot. Called it.

219. - Yeah! I told you! - Yeah. Yeah.

220. See, that's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm...

221. I don't believe in bald-on-bald violence, but you've given me no choice.

222. Run. Watch out. He's mad!

223. That's the thing about this place.

224. Sometimes all you can do is let go and hope things work out.

225. I have some good news.

226. Tina's stable. She's gonna be all right.

227. Oh, thank God.

228. You made a huge mistake and you got really lucky

229. and hopefully you never have to get this lucky again.

230. Chris is alert and doing well.

231. Nice shot, Dr. Turk.

232. Mrs. Johnson, I have some good news.

233. The good news is I was right and you were wrong.

234. Danny's fever broke without antibiotics.

235. I'm pretty sure the good news is that Danny's okay.

236. Listen, I know you blame yourself for that woman who died in the parking lot,

237. but doctoring scared will never be what's best for your patients.

238. And by the way, I knew you bartended at Night Gliders.

239. I recognized you the minute you stepped foot in here.

240. Yeah? Well, I remember you too. You were the only guy who didn't tip.

241. Yeah, well, you were the only bartender who wouldn't sleep with me.

242. Congratulations. We had three very sick patients

243. and they're all gonna be okay.

244. We beat the odds.

245. So enjoy it. Around here, that doesn't happen all that often.

246. Oh. Dr. Cox.

247. I didn't see you over there. Do you wanna give one of your famous

248. "I believed in you the whole time" speeches?

249. No, I...

250. - Dr. Cox. - Oh, my God.

251. - Checking his pulse. - Get out of the way. Move, move!

252. We need oxygen.

253. It doesn't matter how many people you save.

254. When one of your own falls, it hits deep.

255. Why didn't you come to me if you haven't been feeling well?

256. Because I knew you'd turn this into some overwrought emo crybaby feelings fest.

257. Hell, I can practically hear the indie mope music playing in your head right now.

258. I'm just saying, I can't believe you went with Dr. Park over me.

259. Yeah, well, he probably knew you'd turn this into some sort of overwrought emo

260. - crybaby— - I already said it.

261. Oh. Well, the good news is your scans and tumor markers came back negative.

262. - So it's not cancer. - Thank God.

263. We're still waiting on your sed rates, ANCA and CRP.

264. We'll know more later this afternoon.

265. Thank you, Dr. Park. I'd like to take over Perry's care from here.

266. Not happening there, Dr. Nurse Jackie.

267. Come on, you can barely hold it together with patients coming in off the street.

268. How are you gonna be objective with me? And besides, look at yourself. You've...

269. You're already emotional and you haven't done anything yet.

270. It's not true. I updated your weight. Congrats on keeping it tight.

271. J.D., we both know if you were to walk into this room

272. and tell me that I was dying, it would break you.

273. No, it would break me if you didn't give me the opportunity to help you

274. by doing everything that you trained me to do.

275. Still not happening. Besides, there's no training

276. for the maniacal patient I plan on being.

277. Cujo, Old Yeller, pick your rabid dog and I'm gonna best him.

278. Now, I will be removing my own IV

279. because your nurses gave me regular saline instead of D5W.

280. Oh, my God.

281. I think he's actually tearing up because you mentioned Old Yeller.

282. I'm not tearing up. I'm not a child. I don't need to be protected, okay?

283. And if you want someone who's gonna take you behind the shed

284. and shoot you, go with this idiot.

285. Dr. Tosh, full disclosure, outside of this room,

286. Dr. Reid and I have been enjoying a blossoming female friendship.

287. But in here, she's simply participant A and you're participant B.

288. Participant A, you have the floor.

289. I know this morning was really traumatic

290. and I'm just really glad that you're talking about it.

291. That was very nice, participant A.

292. Participant B, would you like to read aloud

293. - your formal complaint against Dr. Reid? - What?

294. You told me to raise the sodium on our patient

295. but didn't guide me on how to do it.

296. Yeah, because you should already know how to do that.

297. She told me to get out of the room.

298. You almost killed someone.

299. - Okay, you can't say that. - She s-screwed up.

300. You can't say that either.

301. You made me feel terrible. It just makes me want to quit.

302. I'm trying to teach you.

303. What am I allowed to say?

304. We'll be covering that in your mandatory bi-weekly seminar.

305. Oh, this is so stupid.

306. Friendship Sibby here, I hear you, and we will bitch about this later.

307. Business Sibby, you can't say that.

308. - Oh, come on. - Uh-uh.

309. You are not a doctor in this hospital. You cannot change your own medication.

310. This is, in fact, the same level of pain meds

311. you'd give to a woman having a C-section,

312. but since my doula and I have already discussed having a natural childbirth,

313. we're going to be lowering the dose

314. or I'm going to take this America's best number one pudding

315. and decorate your wall with it.

316. You can have this hot mess. He's all yours.

317. Oh. I see you've extended your reign of terror to the staff.

318. I gave him something to talk to his friends about around the hospital.

319. You know, I've actually come to appreciate your teaching style.

320. I mean, not all of it. I did not think it was necessary

321. to call me a prostitute who caters exclusively to clowns.

322. Still makes me laugh in the car sometimes.

323. Hmm.

324. And for what it's worth, I was too harsh with you.

325. Sometimes I sit up at night thinking

326. I actually could have driven you out of this place.

327. And if I had, it would have been my biggest failure

328. and my greatest regret.

329. I appreciate that.

330. God, let me be, will you?

331. I have some decorating I need to attend to.

332. Oh, please let him. I'ma rub his nose in it like a nasty dog.

333. You know, I've never actually had to sleep in one of these things,

334. but I am not leaving your side until we get your results.

335. J.D., would you...

336. Would you pray with me?

337. Wow, first curveball.

338. Of course.

339. Cox was never religious.

340. But when you're facing your own mortality, you'll try anything.

341. Dear God, or whosoever up there,

342. I know I haven't exactly turned to you pretty much ever,

343. but I need you now.

344. So please, Lord, let that chair fold in on J.D. and quietly suffocate him

345. so that I might have a few moments of peace,

346. if these are, in fact, my last few moments. Thanks, God.

347. Go ahead, make your jokes, but I know you're scared.

348. For once, just let me be there for you.

349. And there it was, his test results. I knew how I wanted this to play out.

350. Congratulations!

351. You're the one-millionth person to click on test results.

352. You've won $10,000 and a brand-new Jet Ski.

353. Oh, no. Not you. Scram.

354. - J.D., come on, amigo. - Yes.

355. - To the lake. - Whoo-hoo!

356. But that's not how these things go.

357. Go ahead...

358. and don't sugarcoat it.

359. 'Cause I understand what everything means on there.

360. Dr. Tosh, you got a second?

361. You said that I made you feel like quitting.

362. That would be a real failure on my part if you did.

363. But I would also be failing as a teacher

364. if I didn't hold you accountable for your mistakes.

365. I know I messed up.

366. I was just afraid it meant I wasn't good enough to be here.

367. So I blamed you and I'm really sorry.

368. Come here. Come here.

369. It's okay.

370. You know, you come across a lot more confident.

371. That's just a part of my brand.

372. There are many things we fool ourselves

373. into thinking we have control over.

374. If I make this, Cox is gonna be okay. He's gonna be okay.

375. Cox is gonna be okay. Come on. Let's go.

376. That's it. I'm gonna rip your head off and do this with it.

377. Hey, that counts.

378. That counts!

379. - But the truth is... - That counts. Come here.

380. we can never predict what's in store for us.

381. You saved a man.

382. All we can do is be there for each other

383. when the odds are against us.

384. It isn't great.

385. But it could be worse.

386. Worse than my own body attacking itself?

387. This is an autoimmune disease, for God's sake.

388. There's no cure for this. It's a matter of managing the crisis

389. that's gonna be thrown my way in the bottom of the ninth.

390. Perry, you know this disease has a high survival rate,

391. especially since we caught it early.

392. I'm in the beginning stages of renal failure, J.D.

393. Yeah, but you can slow all that down.

394. With aggressive treatment and immunosuppressants,

395. microscopic polyangiitis can easily go into remission.

396. Did you really think that this couldn't happen?

397. That just 'cause we're out there taking care of all of them,

398. that we'd get some kind of karmic immunity

399. to protect us from what's coming for us all?

400. Yes.

401. Will you promise me that you'll keep me alive for a very long time?

402. Because I don't want my death to be the thing that makes you cynical.

403. - I promise— - Let me finish.

404. Because I won't be around here to enjoy it.

405. And even in death, I couldn't bear the irony.

406. All I can hear is that you're going to let me be your doctor.

407. I'm already tingling from the prospect of our sponge baths there, Agatha.

408. I tried to protect you from this.

409. Everything I had.

410. But I am so scared.

411. I have a plan.

412. And I don't care if you don't like it.

413. It is the best path forward.

414. Turk had asked me when I'd stopped needing Dr. Cox's approval.

415. - Okay. - It was now.

416. Because now...

417. And I got you.

418. he needed me.

419. Listen up, failures.

420. - Watch it. Watch it. - To whomever had the cojones

421. to stuff their greedy face-hole with the sandwich

422. I had clearly labeled with my name,

423. I hope you enjoyed it, because I will be slicing you open,

424. extracting it and feeding it to you once again,

425. but this time, it won't be orally. M'kay?

426. Look how many views you have. It's gone totally viral.

427. All these DJs are remixing it. People just love it.

428. Uh-huh.

429. Bring her to me.