Scrubs 1x2

1. - You ready for your first day, Chief? - I sure am, Chief.

2. And tonight's my welcome dinner. You're coming, right?

3. Absolutely.

4. If someone at your table doesn't show up, you're allowed to eat their cake.

5. Wait a minute, I know that smirk. You got me a present, didn't you?

6. I did.

7. Oh, my God.

8. No, no, this isn't your present. Their bus jumped a median.

9. I got you these. "Two chiefs."

10. - Oh, my God. - I know.

11. My littlest made them for us.

12. Mine's chocolate. Yours is vanilla.

13. - I'll take brown. - Okay.

14. We're gonna need a secret handshake.

15. I worked on that at four o'clock in the morning.

16. You ready? This is how it goes.

17. We go, "Two chiefs," high five, bring it down, boom.

18. - And then jazz hands if we have time. - Sure.

19. Hey, kid, do me a favor. Give us a beat.

20. Throw some stank on it. This is our first chief strut.

21. Make it nasty.

22. Okay, our next patient... Blake?

23. This is Ms. Flynn, 42, admitted with edema, fatigue.

24. My very first rounds with my interns.

25. I needed to establish my teaching style. Be firm.

26. That's not gonna cut it, buddy boy.

27. But I correctly diagnosed her, and she's being discharged.

28. Oh, sorry. To be honest, I was thinking about my teaching style.

29. Great job, buddy boy.

30. Next patient.

31. You've never been good at being mean.

32. Try super friendly with fun nicknames.

33. Okay, this is Stanley Campos, admitted for cardiac amyloidosis.

34. He's hyponatremic. Who can tell me why?

35. It's hypervolemic hyponatremia, secondary to congestive heart failure.

36. Nice job, Dr. Tosh. You are on fire today.

37. I'm gonna call you—

38. "Hot Mouth"? You called an intern "Hot Mouth"?

39. Dr. Tosh was answering every question right. She was on fire.

40. Dr. Dorian, in the future, I'm going to need you to—

41. Wait, I know. Bring it down.

42. - Okay, leave the gestures to me. - Oh.

43. In the future, I'm going to need you to stop and think.

44. Now, if you'll excuse me, my next meeting is going to be a long one.

45. Speaking of things that are long— Nope, I'm not gonna finish that.

46. The Big Dog has learned that's not appropriate.

47. - Oh. - Todd, you're showing huge growth.

48. Well, then you should see my do—

49. Being Chief of Medicine was an opportunity to change the culture,

50. to treat interns with dignity, and to put patient care above profits.

51. I had been chosen by the best to ever do it.

52. And even though they painted him like a serial killer,

53. I'm not going to let him down.

54. I know you're thinking you won't let him down,

55. but I can assure you, you most definitely will.

56. You haven't worked at a hospital in over 15 years

57. and you think you can prance in here like a gay little reindeer

58. ready to lead Santa's sleigh, even though Rudolph was there before you.

59. Rudolph worked harder, and Rudolph deserves it more.

60. I'm guessing you're Rudolph.

61. Just like in the movies, every hospital has a hero and a villain.

62. Appletini. Shaken, not stirred.

63. The name's Dorian, John Dorian.

64. Seriously? You made me the Asian villain with no lines?

65. And yet, here you are talking.

66. That was definitely not shaken.

67. Listen, when I see something I want, I get it.

68. You see those two gorgeous surgeons back there?

69. Before they met me, they were married,

70. and then I banged them both.

71. Wow, that is a lot of input for me first thing in the morning.

72. That's exactly what they said.

73. - What is your point? - I'm very good at sex.

74. No, what is your macro point?

75. I don't quit until I get what I want.

76. He banged them both.

77. How are you?

78. I was gonna check in 'cause I know you've had a rough week,

79. but then I realized, it's funny really, that we don't have each other's numbers.

80. Yeah, yeah, I know.

81. Okay, Asher, your patient. Take it away.

82. Stanley, or as I call him, Stan the Man...

83. We're not doing nicknames anymore.

84. Dodged a bullet there, bud.

85. Anyway, Stanley here has a heart full of joy.

86. Well, his chart says he has a heart full of protein deposits,

87. so maybe start with that.

88. Stanley, are you taking your medication?

89. I am.

90. Yeah, Ashy here has been really worried about me,

91. but I'm doing, you know, I'm doing all r—

92. Oh, my God. Is he coding? He's coding.

93. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

94. Gotcha.

95. He almost started chest compressions and broke most of your ribs, but good one.

96. Let's get a TDM and check the level of meds in his system.

97. - After you. - Thank you.

98. Bowl head.

99. He's crashing.

100. Nurse, compressions. Tosh, intubate.

101. Visualize the larynx.

102. Get the tube in place.

103. I'm in. But his jaw fell off.

104. Am I gonna get sued for this?

105. - Should I fix it, or— - No, you don't have to fix this.

106. Okay.

107. You have to fix this.

108. I'm the head of the hospital simulation program.

109. These mannequins are so old,

110. they don't even think I should have the right to vote.

111. Is that Norm? Oh, he and I go way back.

112. I put my mouth on him before I ever put my mouth on you.

113. Pay attention.

114. Every other hospital has a high-tech simulation program

115. with mannequins that provide real-time vitals.

116. It's a big expense, J.D.,

117. but this is your chance to actually make a difference around here.

118. You know what, Elliot, thank you for bringing this to my attention.

119. - I'm going to approve it. - Yes!

120. I owed it to Norm. He made me a better kisser.

121. We won't ever tell her what really happened, Norm, will we?

122. I felt good about my decision.

123. Cutting-edge technology was the best way to give interns hands-on experience.

124. None of you are allowed to touch my surgical robot.

125. That is my robot. Whose robot is it?

126. - Your robot. - Exactly.

127. When it arrives, if you plan on using it,

128. you will have to finish every single training module.

129. - Dr. Turk? - Yes?

130. I'm in the middle of an 18-hour shift.

131. When am I supposed to learn all this without losing my mind?

132. That is a great question, Dashana.

133. What is that not, everyone?

134. Your problem.

135. Exactly, exactly.

136. Matter of fact, don't even look at this no more.

137. Hi. Hospital-mandated nap time about to go down.

138. Thankfully, I have my Winston smart sleep mask.

139. Thank you, Winston.

140. Hey, could you create content elsewhere? I'm just... I'm trying to sleep.

141. Oops, sorry.

142. I just have to say, I've followed you since med school.

143. Huge fan.

144. Sorry.

145. I really like your sleep mask. My aunt knitted mine.

146. She has arthritis and can't tighten the knots.

147. It lets in a lot of light, but I just count the holes till I fall asleep.

148. It's like, uh, counting stars.

149. They send me these for free.

150. They're Velcro, so they wrap around your head.

151. Maybe you can wrap it around your mouths

152. so I can take part in the mandated 30-minute REM sleep.

153. Thank you.

154. My God.

155. Stanley, your blood work show that you aren't taking your medication.

156. I... I'm-I'm taking it.

157. The lab results don't lie, Stanley.

158. Even with my insurance, it's like a thousand bucks for 90 pills.

159. So I take two a week instead of one a day.

160. Makes them last longer.

161. It's all I can afford.

162. A thousand dollars for 90 pills?

163. The NHS isn't perfect, but you do realize all our prescriptions only cost $10?

164. How the hell is anyone supposed to afford to live in this country if they get sick?

165. Well, if you're ugly, there's GoFundMe. If you look like me, it's OnlyFans.

166. Good heavens.

167. Look, you don't have time to get involved. You have too many patients to see.

168. Hey, dummies. Let's go, ticktock.

169. To maximize profits, doctors are required to see five patients every hour.

170. That's only 12 minutes per patient.

171. It can feel a bit mechanical.

172. Move, move. Let's go, people. Let's go.

173. - Pupils equal and reactive. - O2 topped off.

174. - Fluids topped up. - Pressure check.

175. - Ticktock. Let's go! - Reflexes intact.

176. - Go, go, go. - Lights in.

177. - And clear. - Let's go. Let's go.

178. - One, two, three. Sacred Heart! - Sacred Heart!

179. You know what? I'm changing the culture around here.

180. Don't worry about Dr. Park.

181. You call the insurance company.

182. You do whatever you need to do for Stanley.

183. But what about my patients?

184. I'll cover them.

185. Trust me, they won't notice you're gone.

186. That's not nice.

187. Thank you, Dr. Dorian. I'll call his insurance company now.

188. And there it was,

189. the look that I had given Dr. Cox so many times,

190. the one that said—

191. Dr. Dorian, you're the mentor I've always dreamed of.

192. Ooh. It sounded even better in British.

193. Next stop on Chief, day one,

194. it was time to double down and bond with the most important people in the hospital.

195. Hello, charge nurses.

196. You two are a fun pair. I'm gonna call you...

197. Uh-uh.

198. by your given names.

199. - Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm.

200. - Mine's John Dorian. - Oh, you better not be.

201. - Oh, but I am. - Nope.

202. Retracted. I'm the new chief of medicine.

203. - You're Dr. Reid's ex-husband. - We've heard all about you.

204. Taking a mistress, cheating on that queen.

205. - Beautiful queen. - Cheating on that beautiful queen.

206. - I never cheated on that queen. - Beautiful queen.

207. I never cheated on that beautiful queen.

208. - Mmm... - Mmm...

209. - Mm-mmm. - Mmm...

210. Mm-mmm!

211. A mistress, Elliot?

212. You're telling people I cheated? That's a lie.

213. I never said that.

214. I mean, sure, I vented about our marriage,

215. but it was basic stuff like how we drifted apart,

216. or how you reloaded the dishwasher every time I loaded it.

217. Cups don't go on the bottom, Elliot. That's what the top shelf is for.

218. Oh, relax, J.D. You know how hospital gossip is.

219. It takes on a life of its own.

220. I get it. It's just that I'm the chief now and I can't have people hating me.

221. I know. Thanks so much again for the sim lab upgrade.

222. Okay, so some people had the wrong idea about me.

223. I didn't need everyone to be a fan.

224. I'm gonna need you to stop fangirling over that med intern.

225. - Got it. Will do. - Thank you.

226. - But I just find her so inspiring. - Oh, my God, dude.

227. I find her ridiculous. You kidding me?

228. Oh, hi, I'm Dr. Tosh. Uh, I'm eating lunch.

229. Oh, I can't eat lunch without telling you I'm eating lunch.

230. Comment what I should eat for lunch tomorrow.

231. Like...

232. - Hey! - Hey.

233. I don't think I was supposed to hear that, but I'm glad I did.

234. I'm sorry, I get secondhand embarrassment and I need a minute.

235. - Hey. - Hey.

236. Have you heard these rumors about me having a mistress?

237. Yep. But you can't stop hospital gossip, so I hooked you up.

238. I made her a really sexy Brazilian woman named Valentina.

239. You want to hear some of the stuff y'all got into?

240. No, but I bet Valentina has caramel skin.

241. You know she does.

242. Mmm. Valentina.

243. I... I just hope all the gossip doesn't undermine my "chiefing."

244. Hey, look at me.

245. Your "chiefing" is amazing, and I mean that.

246. - Look at that guy right there. - Yes, hi.

247. I'm trying to get a voucher for my patient's medicine.

248. He's over there fighting the good fight because you taught him that.

249. I'm proud of you, Chief.

250. Two chiefs.

251. I'll see you later.

252. - Can I help you? - Oh, I'm just here for the show.

253. What show?

254. What the hell? I'm not getting my robot because of you?

255. You know what? You can keep your damn chief bracelet.

256. How dare you?

257. The board froze my funding

258. 'cause apparently you approved some sim lab for Elliot.

259. - Who told you that? - He did.

260. - Oh, I did. - What the hell, J.D.?

261. - Drag him. - I just got a text

262. that I might not be getting my sim lab

263. - because of Turk's stupid robot. - I sent that one too.

264. The board said there's only room in the budget for one of them.

265. So what's it gonna be, Chief?

266. Okay, everybody just calm down. I need a minute.

267. And more drama in three, two, one.

268. Dr. Dorian, I need a minute.

269. Bring us home, Sibby.

270. Not a big deal, but did you tell this little English Chalamet

271. to do what it takes to help his patient with insurance?

272. - Yes, I did. - I lied about the not-a-big-deal part.

273. Can you tell him what you said?

274. Well, I lost my temper with the person on the phone. I'm sorry.

275. You did a bit more than lose your temper

276. with the person on the phone, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

277. What happened to no nicknames?

278. He screamed a curse word that they use over in London

279. that no one in this nation would ever have the audacity to yell in a hospital,

280. except maybe in gynecology.

281. Okay, listen, I'm gonna fix this.

282. Everyone get out of here. Just give me a minute.

283. You, take this. Go.

284. You're out your mind if you think I'm gonna wear this.

285. Bravo, Chief.

286. I mean, you promised Elliot a sim lab without checking the budget,

287. or you would have known that that robot would bring in

288. much-needed revenue for this hospital.

289. You're a people-pleaser. You wanna help everybody, Dr. Dorian?

290. You can take a look at this and make sure the hospital stays open.

291. Okay. We will.

292. - We definitely will. - I looked at the numbers.

293. The robot will bring in money. The sim lab will cost us money.

294. I'm sorry, Elliot.

295. Even though I wanted to be Asher's hero...

296. Focus on your patient load and discharge Stanley.

297. - Are you being serious? - Dead serious.

298. sometimes you have to be the villain.

299. - Wanna hit the buffet? - Fine.

300. Let's do it.

301. I know I hit a wall with Stanley's insurance and the drug company,

302. - but there's got to be another way. - Not for us.

303. It's up to Mr. Campos to figure that out now.

304. I took a Hippocratic oath to first do no harm.

305. Letting this man slowly kill himself because he can't afford medicine

306. is definitely causing him harm.

307. Asher, I have a hospital to run, and you have many patients to see.

308. That is your job.

309. Around here, victories are short-lived.

310. - What did we get? - The robot.

311. - And what do we do? - The robot.

312. Let's go. Ay. Ay.

313. Sorry about your sim lab, Elliot.

314. Oh, not your fault. Of course J.D. sided with you.

315. It's always been that way. I don't know why I even tried.

316. Elliot. Elliot.

317. What the hell was that?

318. I'ma need you to hold, please.

319. I don't know. I guess I just wish J.D. would prioritize me the way he does you.

320. - Oh... - Okay. You sound crazy right now.

321. - What did he just call her? - Crazy.

322. - Oh, no, he didn't. - Oh, yes, he did, Francois.

323. Yes, he did.

324. - Mmm. - Mmm.

325. Damn, y'all supposed to be on my side.

326. - Why? 'Cause you're Black? - No, 'cause we Black.

327. You do not get preferential treatment over that fine queen.

328. - She's been through too much. - Too much.

329. - But take some of this lotion, baby. - For what?

330. For them ashy-ass elbows you got walking over here.

331. Come on. You gotta protect that beautiful melanin.

332. - Yeah. Get on in. - Get in there. Absolutely.

333. - Yeah. Yeah. - Thirty seconds. Yes, thank you.

334. He's fine as hell, but I will never let him know

335. - 'cause he's... - Girl, he gonna do you wrong.

336. So... that thing happened.

337. Uh... And, look, I didn't mean for you to hear it.

338. And... hopefully it won't happen again.

339. Um... I think that would be a really good apology...

340. - Okay. - ... except for the part

341. where you didn't say sorry at all.

342. Well, I'm not good at apologizing, okay?

343. But I shouldn't have said what I said, and I feel bad about it.

344. Oh, my God! Can you stop popping out of places like that girl from The Ring?

345. I accept your apology, Dashana.

346. Look, is what I do silly? Sometimes.

347. Have guys offered to buy my socks after a 36-hour shift? All the time.

348. - Ew. - Thankfully, I haven't had to go there,

349. but the money I've made from brand partnerships

350. has helped me pay off every single medical school loan.

351. - You've got no loans? - Mm-hmm.

352. - Damn. - Told you.

353. Sorry.

354. That is inspirational.

355. Told you.

356. Yeah, uh, J.D. does prioritize me,

357. and I'm sorry if our friendship got in between you guys.

358. It's not even about the funding, Turk.

359. I mean, how many times have you and I actually spoken

360. since J.D. and I separated?

361. Elliot, we speak a lot.

362. DMing me Star Wars memes does not count.

363. I get that people choose sides,

364. but I just never thought that you would disappear.

365. I don't think I'm... I'm not choosing sides. I'm, um...

366. I just don't know how to be anymore.

367. I don't know, I guess I just default to ignoring it all.

368. I met you and J.D. at the exact same time 25 years ago.

369. - You remember? - Yeah.

370. - We were playing Pac-Man. - Playing Pac-Man.

371. Look, I get that he's your best friend, but you're my friend too, and...

372. I miss you.

373. I'm sorry. You're so right.

374. I can be better, and I will be better, I promise.

375. You better.

376. Oh. Heading to your big dinner?

377. - Yeah, it should be fun. - Yes, professional fun.

378. Just don't do anything crazy like...

379. or...

380. Wow. Sounds like you've had some fun nights.

381. Let's just say I wasn't always a saint.

382. I used to do a lot of...

383. I'm not resisting! I'm not resisting!

384. Anyway, have a great night.

385. Okay.

386. Oh, you're from England?

387. I'm going in the spring. Any tips?

388. Cut down on your sodium.

389. Your blood pressure's reaching stroke levels.

390. You okay?

391. I'm just not sure this is what I signed up for.

392. I think maybe you just need some sleep.

393. In a hospital, we experience loss every day,

394. but one of the worst kinds is the loss of hope.

395. I was in a free fall and I needed some answers.

396. - I knew just who to turn to. - Coming through.

397. Excuse me, I'm kind of in the middle of something.

398. So are we. We're making space for the new guy.

399. New guy?

400. And then it hit me.

401. If I was looking for answers, they'd have to come from me.

402. It was all on my shoulders now.

403. - Hello? - Dr. Tarses?

404. This is Dr. Tarses.

405. Hey, I need a favor.

406. Let me see your phone.

407. Just don't make it weird or I'll change my number.

408. - Yeah. - Thank you.

409. Hey.

410. - What's this? - Three months of samples for Stanley.

411. I called a bunch of concierge doctors

412. and had to promise clinic hours and some guest lectures.

413. Wow. Thank you.

414. Look, I'll do my best to get an actual doctor on the phone

415. at Stanley's insurance,

416. but I need you to know we can't do this for everyone.

417. You're gonna meet a whole lot of Stanleys in your career with...

418. with bills they can't pay and treatments they can't afford,

419. and if you let every single one of them break your heart,

420. you're gonna have a very short career.

421. Look at me.

422. We do the most good we can in a single shift,

423. and then, as hard as it is, we go home.

424. That is the job.

425. Now I'll go get on the phone, you go get some rest.

426. Every doctor wants their hero moment...

427. Ashy...

428. - You're welcome. - Get over here.

429. but it's not always like it is in a James Bond movie.

430. Our hero moments

431. - can be mind-numbingly tedious. - Representative.

432. And any action involves a lot of holding.

433. Your wait time is 2 hours 58 minutes.

434. Representative!

435. And holding.

436. And holding.

437. And sometimes you hold so long, the villain even eats your cake.

438. But when this work makes you fall apart...

439. - It takes a steady hand. Remember that. - Are you saying

440. I don't have a steady hand?

441. Steady hand. Watch this.

442. someone is there to patch you up.

443. - This actually is incredible. - I know.

444. I love it.

445. At the end of the day, we do whatever it takes to help people.

446. Representative!

447. Buddy, your welcome dinner was off the chain!

448. I said some really nice things about you, and I brought you cake.

449. Thank you.

450. I gotta be here late. You wanna hang with me?

451. I don't, but I will.

452. Bracelet code.

453. Two chiefs!

454. - Ooh, it's caramel, like Valentina. - Oh, yeah.

455. Speaking of which, uh, what did me and my fake mistress get into?

456. Starts off on the tropical island of Cuba.

457. - Go on. Mmm. - The air is hot,

458. but not as hot as Valentina looks in her bikini.

459. I bet it's the thong kind.

460. Oh, it is.

461. Her twin saunters up.

462. Thank you for holding.

463. Oh, now you pick up?