Scrubs 1x17

Directed by Matthew Diamond

Robert Maschio as Todd • Aloma Wright as Laverne Roberts • Kelli Williams as Kristen Murphy • DJ Qualls as Josh • Adrian Wenner as Philip Chambers

J.D., Elliot and Turk are receiving their first medical students, and now they finally get a chance to see what it feels like to be on the other side. Turk's student is a very attractive young woman, to whom Dr. Cox is immediately attracted. But he doesn't know his way around women and needs Turk to give him a little help. J.D. doesn't know how to handle his student and Elliot's turns out to the be son of an important CEO.

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1. [JD] During your first year, things begin to feel different.

2. You've arrived. You know? You just start to feel...

3. I'm open.

4. - ... cooler. - Oh, my God!

5. - Turk, that was amazing! - Woman, woman, shush.

6. You see, it's a lot cooler if we don't make a big deal out of it.

7. Oh, right.

8. Hang on, Mom. It's him.

9. - Whatever. - JD!

10. The point is, we've found our stride.

11. We know all the ins and outs.

12. Shall we? And...

13. Oh, my God! Which one of you two did that?

14. - My bad. - That was me.

15. - Both of you? - Player!

16. Could we have an agreement? No enclosed spaces.

17. - Morning, doctors. - Morning, sir.

18. Well, Mrs Winston, it's back to the home for you.

19. - Elliot, that is disgusting. - Seriously.

20. Oh!

21. Sweetheart, consider a change in diet.

22. Fine. I hate you guys. I hate you, I hate you.

23. Let's face it. We've earned the right to be a little cocky.

24. - Jerome! - What up, dawg?

25. My man!

26. Hey, who the hell's Jerome?

27. And I gotta tell you, nobody can take this feeling away.

28. Nobody.

29. Oh, thank goodness, it's the Mod Squad.

30. After months of doing everyone else's scut work,

31. we're finally not the lowest people on the totem pole.

32. Look at you three, all excited.

33. You see, today we get our very own med students.

34. Welcome to Hell.

35. Gimme some hungry chicken.

36. Not hungry enough. Give me some more.

37. There you go. There you go.

38. [JD] Look how scared they are.

39. It's like we're cheetahs and they're a pack of gazelles.

40. I'm Dr Bob Kelso, and I'm your Chief of Medicine.

41. Now, I want to encourage you all to think of me as your safety net.

42. Because I promise you, we're a family here.

43. OK. Let's go get 'em, doctors.

44. They're buying it.

45. "The Devil's greatest trick was convincing the world he didn't exist."

46. - God, you two are dorks. - I gotta go.

47. I gotta go meet up with my med student up in Surgery.

48. Know who you're getting?

49. Nope, but it's probably someone black.

50. So, I want someone I can be friends with, you know?

51. I hope I get a jerk. I took so much crap as a med student

52. that I've been waiting for the day I get to make someone suffer.

53. Listen, nurse.

54. I'm looking for a Dr Elliot Reid.

55. I'm Elliot Reid.

56. Hmm! Guy's name, guy's job, guy's clothes...

57. Anything else you wanna tell me?

58. Oh, goody! You're a jerk.

59. Just remember to breathe, and you'll get through the day.

60. Josh? Hi, I'm Dr Dorian.

61. I know what this looks like, but...

62. Oh, I do that all the time.

63. Do you ever part your hair on the wrong side

64. to see what you look like to other people?

65. No.

66. It totally messes everyone up.

67. Do you have any questions?

68. What's the babe situation like here?

69. - Easy, tiger. - Grrr.

70. Oh, boy.

71. Have you seen a med student here?

72. Um, yeah. Me.

73. Cool, uh... Nice to meet you, ma'am.

74. Actually, the only people that call me "ma'am" are, um, nobody.

75. Oh, no. I use "ma'am" all the time. Watch.

76. What up, ma'am?

77. - See? It's my thing. - Yeah, right.

78. Come on. I'm here to learn.

79. Listen up, kid. Lesson number one:

80. All surgical interns? They're dogs.

81. - Not a problem. - Hey, baby.

82. This overbearing machismo is usually just compensation for a lap-pinkie.

83. Oh, that's cold!

84. What just happened?

85. Don't worry about it. It's all good in the 'hood.

86. I'll tell you what I expect. You parted your hair on the other side?

87. Ah!

88. You're gonna do H & Ps, write admission orders...

89. What are you doing?

90. I can't walk and write at the same time.

91. - It makes me nauseous. - [JD] A famous doctor once said,

92. "Show me a med student that only triples my work and I'll kiss his feet. "

93. Philip, I need you to shave his groin so I can place a femoral triple-lumen.

94. Yeah, I'm not so much with the "shavin' a guy's curlies".

95. if you get just one bad evaluation from me,

96. it'll torch your class rank, so do what I tell you.

97. And if I ask you to shave a groin,

98. thank your lucky stars that I said "shave".

99. I'll tell you what.

100. I'll lather you up, and you think about baseball.

101. Hmm, natural redhead.

102. I'll need you to change the dressing on the fem bypass in 402,

103. and DC the staples on the gastroplasty in post-op.

104. Yeah. I have no idea what you just said.

105. I'm kidding.

106. Looks like you won the med student raffle there, pal.

107. Yeah.

108. - lntroduce me. - Excuse me?

109. You give me her name and tell her my name,

110. or you go her name, my name, my name, her name.

111. No. You like Carla.

112. Do you actually listen to yourself when you speak,

113. or do you find you drift in and out?

114. Fine. Then I'm gonna go ahead

115. and continue to focus all my energies on Carla.

116. Listening, watching...

117. - Yeah. - ... waiting.

118. Dr Cox, Kristen. Kristen, Dr Cox.

119. Josh, I asked you to get this guy's history an hour ago.

120. It should've taken five minutes.

121. Oh. Uh, we were just talking. This guy, he is the bomb!

122. OK, OK. Bye-bye. Moving on.

123. Help someone else. I'm sorry about that.

124. Relax, Bambi. Be nice to Thumper.

125. He wrote "The guy sweats when he exercises."

126. - I do. - I'll call Ripley's!

127. Relax. It's just one mistake.

128. Relax, Bambi.

129. It's just one mistake.

130. - Good night, Thumper. - Cool! Great first day, Dr Dorian.

131. Yeah, it was. OK.

132. - Relax. It's just one mistake. - Yes! They're each one mistake.

133. Put 'em all together, it makes four million.

134. Did you just snap at me? Because I think he just snapped at me.

135. - I'm sorry. - Yeah, you are.

136. Carla, I gotta go home.

137. You have to co-sign all these orders,

138. fill out a vascular consult on bed three and get a tox screen for Mrs O'Brien.

139. - But Josh did all this. - Uh-uh, honey. I don't think so.

140. Hey! Ow!

141. Mrs O'Brien, I'm afraid I'm gonna need a urine sample.

142. I hope you're taking very good care of my hospital.

143. You're darn tootin'.

144. Jackass. Dr Reid, say hello to Whitaker Chambers.

145. - What up? - "What up"?

146. Whitaker Chambers is the CEO

147. of the corporation that owns this hospital,

148. so I suggest you stop acting like LL Cool Reid

149. and start acting like Dr Reid.

150. You dig?

151. - Why would he want to meet me? - Hey, Dad.

152. Oh, hey, son! Ah-ha!

153. Aw, poopies.

154. - It was really nice to meet you. - Yeah. Same here, doctor.

155. Oh, I'm... I'm sorry. Dr Cox,

156. I was gonna take Kristen out for a beer after work.

157. Would you like to join us?

158. No. No, I can't do it.

159. No! No, no.

160. - Is he OK? - Nah, not really.

161. Dr Dorian?

162. Dr Dorian?

163. Hi. Your roommate let me in.

164. Ooh, cool dead dog. Can I pet him?

165. Is he kidding?

166. I came by because I know I didn't do so great yesterday...

167. What... What is it that tipped you off?

168. Was it your, uh, inability to perform even the simplest task?

169. I'll bet it was that I got home 20 minutes ago

170. because I spent the entire night cleaning up after you.

171. I'm sorry. Um... I was just really scared.

172. Well, you know what, Josh? You should be scared.

173. Because I gotta be honest with you.

174. I don't think you got what it takes.

175. Do you?

176. I didn't think so.

177. I'm still not gonna feel bad about what I said to Josh.

178. You don't scare me, woman.

179. I'm so sorry. I'll apologise at rounds.

180. Nurse Roberts, have you seen Josh?

181. The tall skinny one? He quit.

182. Nice job, Bambi.

183. I didn't mean for that to happen. I didn't.

184. You don't have to apologise to me.

185. You will have to answer to Jesus.

186. After what happened, I did what any good person would do.

187. I went looking for confirmation that it wasn't my fault.

188. Here's what happened.

189. He was screwing up constantly.

190. I didn't force him to quit.

191. I don't think it's my fault he quit.

192. Most of the bad things that happen here are your fault.

193. - I was talking to her. - I won't say what you wanna hear.

194. Nurse Roberts says he's the most incompetent doctor she's worked with.

195. Laverne, what'd you say about JD when he started working here?

196. He was the most incompetent doctor I ever worked with.

197. - It's not my fault he failed. - You failed.

198. You're supposed to be his teacher.

199. See, to me that sounds like it's your fault. I don't know.

200. Shocker. Yeah.

201. Where you going? Stay and play!

202. OK, so you're having trouble asking out Kristen.

203. - No problem. - Whoa, Curly.

204. I got no problem. Wanna have a drink?

205. - No. - See? I'm fine.

206. You know how men are always talking about themselves?

207. Women like to talk about themselves more.

208. Thank you. You've touched me deeply.

209. You can be cynical, but I'm telling you,

210. get Kristen to talk about herself, it's on. It's on and poppin'.

211. - if that doesn't work, do what I do. - Which is what?

212. - Show her the booty! - Oh, no. No. You put that away.

213. Oh, think of the children.

214. Doctor!

215. Philip, I was wondering if you could write out this discharge summary.

216. Where's the fun?

217. - Excuse me? - From now on,

218. when you're wondering whether I'll do something,

219. ask yourself, "Where's the fun?"

220. It'll be a timesaver for both of us.

221. I'm betting that if you were really honest with yourself,

222. you'd realise how unsatisfying it is to ride on your father's coattails.

223. Nah, I'm OK with it.

224. Josh, this is completely crazy.

225. You told me I shouldn't be a doctor.

226. Kidding... Josh.

227. You know what? Forget all of that. You have to hang in there.

228. Now, I promise you, I am gonna help you.

229. Here we go.

230. You're doing it. You're doing it!

231. Yeah, you are! You're doing it!

232. - So, what do you say? - I know what you're trying to do.

233. My whole life, people have felt sorry for me.

234. - Why would anyone feel sorry for you? - I'm clumsy,

235. I'm always throwing up, I don't even have an ass!

236. Those are the same things I was dealing with when I started here.

237. Except for the ass part. I actually have a great ass.

238. It's... firm like mutton.

239. I'm not buying it, Dr Dorian.

240. But thanks for trying.

241. - So, uh, where you from? - Chicago. You?

242. - Pittsburgh. Family? Brothers, sisters? - One older brother. You?

243. We're gonna keep the focus on you. Are your parents still together?

244. Yep.

245. Do you have any idea how hard you're making this on me?

246. No, but I wonder if someone slipped something into my soda.

247. He has that effect on everyone the first few weeks.

248. l... I gotta go. We, uh... We'll pick this up later.

249. - Pick what up? - Huh.

250. What up, dawg?

251. Not a strong move with the tighty-whities.

252. Ho-ho! Ho.

253. Ranh-rah, ranh-rah-ranh! Ranh-rah, ranh-rah!

254. if you won't help, go wait for your trust fund to mature.

255. - Dr Reid, can I see you a minute? - Dr Kelso, I am so, so sorry.

256. I just got so frustrated, plus I'm PMSing.

257. Well, the pill plays havoc with my cycle. I'm like...

258. - Dr Reid?

259. You talk too much. It's a problem.

260. Why are you doing your med student's work?

261. - Well, his father... - I hate his father.

262. But I'm the one who has to suck up to him, not you.

263. For God's sake, woman, show some cojones!

264. It's hard trying to figure out how to reach somebody.

265. The thing is to think of someone I look up to,

266. and remember how they got through to me.

267. The only way you could be less productive

268. is if you were the wall on which you're leaning.

269. But then you'd be providing some jackass

270. with a wall on which to lean and reflect on what a jackass he is.

271. I know. Here it's a conundrum. But don't you worry about it.

272. I'll tackle that one right upstairs. In the meantime,

273. you could pretend to be doing some work.

274. And, even though you don't have your basket,

275. oh, it's just a terrific time for you to skip away, Shirley.

276. Skip away.

277. Skip away. Go ahead. Skip away.

278. Skip, skip, skip to my Lou. Woo-hoo!

279. - Hello, Philip. - Lemon head.

280. Yeah, I get it, cos of the hair.

281. I was hard on you from the start,

282. but, on the other hand, as you know, you're an incredible tool.

283. So I'll lay off if you drop the attitude, and we'll start fresh.

284. - What do you say? - I don't wanna.

285. But, if you've got a problem with that, go see my father.

286. I think I'll do that.

287. Oh, uh, wait, Dr Reid. Uh...

288. I had some time to think about it, and, um... What the hell? Let's start fresh.

289. Oh, Philly...

290. I don't wanna.

291. Sorry we got interrupted before.

292. - It's OK. - Where were we?

293. I told you my parents were still married, you yelled at me.

294. Right. Of course I did. That's me all over.

295. - Why are you washing your hands? - I don't honestly know.

296. I guess I don't have anything of interest to say.

297. I got something to say.

298. Dr Cox, you are an attending, so you should know

299. it's inappropriate for you to be sniffing around this woman all day!

300. And you! You are a med student who should be learning from me,

301. but every time I turn around, you're talking to him.

302. So I'm telling you, I forbid you to get involved with that guy.

303. Sorry, doctor.

304. You do realise that you just effectively signed your own death warrant.

305. Dude, do you, like, know any women at all?

306. Hi.

307. I know we're not supposed to be seeing each other, but, um...

308. Wow!

309. Why did you page me?

310. I don't know why I still have this thing on.

311. Put your gloves on, Josh. I need you to get an ABG.

312. - I can't. - Newbie, wait.

313. "Newbie"?

314. You're the only one who knows if you wanna be a doctor.

315. But right now I got my hands full. OK?

316. What do you say you put some gloves on, Shirley, and get the hell in here?

317. OK, now, locate the radial pulse.

318. Josh, look at me. You can do this.

319. It looks good.

320. No way.

321. What do you want, a cookie? Put your scrubs on and get back here.

322. Go, go, go!

323. - Go ahead. - Ahh!

324. That's it.

325. - Could you redo that? - Yeah.

326. Could I get some more wine?

327. Oh, puh-lease, keep drinking.

328. I'm throwing myself at you, and you're still trying to get me drunk.

329. Well, baby, you gotta play all 48 minutes.

330. - Cheers. - Cheers.

331. This is fun.

332. I love the part right before we start hating each other.

333. - Oh, really? - You wanna know something?

334. What?

335. I feel like I'm using you to get past another person.

336. That's not as sexy as you think it is.

337. It's this nurse.

338. This unavailable nurse? I swear...

339. Look, Kristen, I think you're great,

340. but this whole thing's just not fair to you.

341. Yeah. If it's OK with you,

342. I think I'll go ahead and decide what's fair to me.

343. That works for everybody.

344. Perry?

345. Actually, I prefer "Dr Cox".

346. You like strong women, don't you?

347. Are you kidding me? They're the only ones I let ruin my life.

348. - This is way too easy. - Oh, baby, bring it on!

349. Stop talking.

350. Dr Reid, I wrote out your admission orders and got the blood cultures.

351. Good. Now, beat it. I'm eating.

352. - Elliot, you ball-buster! - I know! isn't it great?

353. [JD] A lot of us freak out when med students come.

354. It feels like being forced to accept new people into your family.

355. It changes everything.

356. Me, I was more struck by how these newbies made me look at myself.

357. Who I used to be,

358. who I am now,

359. and who I might some day become.

360. But hopefully, not too soon.

361. - Such dorks. - Oh, my God!

362. "Oh, my God!"