1. You slept with your best friend!Copy !req
2. This will be a disaster
unless you say the right thing,Copy !req
3. so choose your words carefully.Copy !req
4. Great job last night, buddy.Copy !req
5. Good thing you came along.
I've been on four since med school.Copy !req
6. Damn it.Copy !req
7. We shouldn't feel weird about this.Copy !req
8. - Things like this happen all the time.
- All the time!Copy !req
9. - It's not a big deal.
- it's not a big deal.Copy !req
10. Stop repeating
what I say in that weird tone.Copy !req
11. - No more repeating.
- What happened last night wasCopy !req
12. a wonderful mistake.Copy !req
13. And it's probably best
if we just go back to the way things were.Copy !req
14. I totally agree.Copy !req
15. I'm gonna see you tomorrow.Copy !req
16. Tomorrow.Copy !req
17. Elliot's amazing
and you're crazy about her.Copy !req
18. If you let her leave,
I'm gonna do this all day:Copy !req
19. I get knocked down but I get up again
You're never gonna keep me downCopy !req
20. I get knocked down...Copy !req
21. Wait, Elliot...Copy !req
22. I just...Copy !req
23. Just say it.
Say, "Elliot, stay in bedCopy !req
24. and have sex with me
until neither of us can move."Copy !req
25. Let's do that.Copy !req
26. I cannot believe
you almost let me leave.Copy !req
27. You're gonna pay for that.Copy !req
28. I'm good for that.Copy !req
29. I got to...Copy !req
30. We are really good at having sex.
We should take this show on the road.Copy !req
31. My mom would sit in the front rowCopy !req
32. and tell me I'd look prettier
if I smiled more.Copy !req
33. You don't really smile.
You just make this face.Copy !req
34. You looked surprised that
you were actually having sex.Copy !req
35. I was. I mean, four times?Copy !req
36. Give it up.Copy !req
37. - I think I already did.
- You did.Copy !req
38. How weird was that this morning?Copy !req
39. Have you ever been more
uncomfortable in your entire life?Copy !req
40. You look hot in that dress.Copy !req
41. What movie are we watching?Copy !req
42. It's Basic Instinct, Grandma.Copy !req
43. Yeah, once.
But all this sex?Copy !req
44. It just soothes my soul.Copy !req
45. And I really like your nose.Copy !req
46. How did that last time even start?Copy !req
47. I just know I went to the doorCopy !req
48. and when I came back, you said
I looked sexy holding a pizza.Copy !req
49. You did.Copy !req
50. For safety reasons, I should go.Copy !req
51. You're not going anywhere.Copy !req
52. You gotta help me eat this pizza.Copy !req
53. Good.Copy !req
54. See now, you even look sexy
holding that slice.Copy !req
55. - I do, don't I?
- You do.Copy !req
56. I was not. You were.Copy !req
57. Sometimes I like
a little sugar in my coffee.Copy !req
58. I just think it's best
if we keep this between us for now.Copy !req
59. It's hard enough
without everybody talking.Copy !req
60. But it'll help people.
Like those two, for instance.Copy !req
61. They've been dancing around
each other for months now.Copy !req
62. I'm not afraid
to show people here how I feel about you.Copy !req
63. You just want the guys
to know you're getting some.Copy !req
64. Not just the guys.Copy !req
65. Good morning, Dr Cox!Copy !req
66. We are short-staffed todayCopy !req
67. because Kelso has volunteered
all of you scut monkeysCopy !req
68. for some psychologist's research project,Copy !req
69. which means
you won't be helping patients.Copy !req
70. Instead, you'll be
blabbering about your feelings,Copy !req
71. and what it's like
working in the hospital,Copy !req
72. and how that affects
your personal lives and...Copy !req
73. And there he is now,
big Bob-o himself.Copy !req
74. All nurses and interns,
let's gather roundCopy !req
75. and dance for the puppet master.Copy !req
76. Dance!Copy !req
77. It's not just the nurses and interns.Copy !req
78. Don't be that guy, Bob.Copy !req
79. I guess I became a doctor becauseCopy !req
80. ever since I was a little boy,
I just wanted to help people.Copy !req
81. I don't tell this story very often,Copy !req
82. but I remember
when I was seven years old,Copy !req
83. I found a bird
that had fallen out of its nest.Copy !req
84. So, I picked him up
and I brought him home,Copy !req
85. and I made him a house
out of an empty shoebox, and...Copy !req
86. My God!Copy !req
87. I became a doctor for the same
four reasons everybody does:Copy !req
88. Chicks, money, power and chicks.Copy !req
89. But since HMOs have
made it virtually impossibleCopy !req
90. to make any real money,
which affects the number of chicksCopy !req
91. who come sniffing around, and don't
ask what tree they're barking up,Copy !req
92. cos they're sure not pissing on mine.
And as far as power goes, well...Copy !req
93. Here I am during my free time
letting some 13-year-oldCopy !req
94. psychology fellow ask me questions
about my personal life.Copy !req
95. So here's the inside scoop.Copy !req
96. Why don't you go ahead
and tell me all about power?Copy !req
97. Check her out.Copy !req
98. - Dude, HFFA.
- Excuse me?Copy !req
99. HFFA? "Hot from far away"
but up close she's nasty.Copy !req
100. That is so messed up.Copy !req
101. I am sorry I made an insensitive
statement about an ugly person.Copy !req
102. I'm taking one of those momentsCopy !req
103. where I weigh your good qualities
against your bad onesCopy !req
104. and decide
if you're actually worth the trouble.Copy !req
105. You made it. That was close.Copy !req
106. - Thank you.
- You're welcome.Copy !req
107. Elliot's looking for a surgical consult.Copy !req
108. - Do you know where she is?
- Why should I know?Copy !req
109. I know where the Todd
would like Elliot to be. In his pants.Copy !req
110. Clever.Copy !req
111. She's not going out with anyone.
You should ask her out.Copy !req
112. Elliot and the Todd?
That's a terrible couple.Copy !req
113. - Worse than Joanie and Chachi.
- Joanie loves Chachi.Copy !req
114. The Todd is asking Elliot out.Copy !req
115. - I think she'd be lucky to ride my...
- Please.Copy !req
116. motorcycle.Copy !req
117. Gotcha.Copy !req
118. God bless him.Copy !req
119. When I was seven,
the only things that I lovedCopy !req
120. were my ColecoVision...
and Sandy Lowe.Copy !req
121. Sandy was as fine
as a 7-year-old could be.Copy !req
122. She had the body of a 9-year-old.Copy !req
123. I joined the T-ball team
because she was on it.Copy !req
124. I didn't care that much about sports.Copy !req
125. But, during the first game,
I got all caught up,Copy !req
126. and fell in love with competing.Copy !req
127. And so, through
high school and college,Copy !req
128. I pretty much played everything
because I needed to compete.Copy !req
129. It was my drug.Copy !req
130. That's why I became a surgeon. Every day,
you get to step up to the tableCopy !req
131. and go one-on-one against
what's wrong with the patient.Copy !req
132. And if you're really good at it,Copy !req
133. you win most of the time.Copy !req
134. I ran into Sandy Lowe last Christmas,Copy !req
135. and she didn't look so good.Copy !req
136. And that was kind of awkward, cos,Copy !req
137. well, I look like this.Copy !req
138. Are you following me?Copy !req
139. No. You wanna go out some time?Copy !req
140. With you?Copy !req
141. Me and a bottle of Jagermeister.Copy !req
142. No, Todd, I don't.
But I don't want you to thinkCopy !req
143. it's because I'm a lesbian or anything.Copy !req
144. I find you so creepy, I think you should
walk around with a bell around your neck.Copy !req
145. All I heard was "lesbian".Copy !req
146. Let me talk to her for you.Copy !req
147. Why did he ask me out?Copy !req
148. I don't know.
Because you're cute and you're fun,Copy !req
149. and I told him to. Plus, there's rumours
going around that you're a lesbian.Copy !req
150. You told me not to tell anyone about us,
so maybe I just wanna make a point.Copy !req
151. And now I'm gonna kiss you.Copy !req
152. It's cool. JD's in the closet
talking to a girl for me.Copy !req
153. White boys.Copy !req
154. You too.Copy !req
155. When I was little, my mom used to
have what she called "episodes".Copy !req
156. "Episodes" is a flattering term
for this thing where she'd sweat a lot and...Copy !req
157. Let's just say her stomach talked.Copy !req
158. Anyway, this one time,
we were at the supermarketCopy !req
159. and she actually passed out.Copy !req
160. And out of nowhere,
this fancy-looking guy comes forwardCopy !req
161. and tells everyone to step aside
and give my mother some air.Copy !req
162. And everyone did.Copy !req
163. You have to understand, in my family,
nobody listens to a word anyone else says.Copy !req
164. Even screaming
at the top of our lungs... nothing.Copy !req
165. So when this man said,
"Step aside", and everyone did,Copy !req
166. I asked my aunt, "Who is this guy?"Copy !req
167. And she said he was a doctor.Copy !req
168. And I thought,Copy !req
169. "I want to be a doctor too."Copy !req
170. But when I lost my first tooth,
and nobody left $180,000Copy !req
171. under my pillow,
I decided to become a nurse.Copy !req
172. We do all the real stuff anyway.Copy !req
173. - You OK?
- Yeah.Copy !req
174. I may eventually need a vagina transplant.Copy !req
175. Go! Go!Copy !req
176. We don't have much time!Copy !req
177. You know what?Copy !req
178. After I have sex five times with somebody,
I like to have the relationship talk.Copy !req
179. I know it seems rushed,
but five timesCopy !req
180. usually takes me anywhere
between six months and seven years.Copy !req
181. Let's do it.
Let's have the talk.Copy !req
182. - You my boyfriend?
- Yep. You my girlfriend?Copy !req
183. - Yep.
- Cool.Copy !req
184. Good to talk things through.Copy !req
185. I love that little laugh.Copy !req
186. From now on, that is your laugh.Copy !req
187. What?Copy !req
188. I've seen you naked, so everything
you're doing, I'm watching you do it naked.Copy !req
189. So, if I go like this...Copy !req
190. I just... I saw all of that.Copy !req
191. Don't be shy. Come here, baby.Copy !req
192. - The echo report on the aorta...
- Bravo. Just a big bravo.Copy !req
193. Heaven help me,
I love newbie theatre.Copy !req
194. Honest, I do. It's the way
you both play your partsCopy !req
195. with such wonderful commitment
that almost had me believingCopy !req
196. that you aren't having whiny, neurotic,
pale sex with each other.Copy !req
197. What are you talking about?Copy !req
198. The whole floor knows.
We do. Watch this.Copy !req
199. Laverne, did you know?Copy !req
200. Was it supposed to be a secret?Copy !req
201. And Carla?Copy !req
202. Please. I knew before they did.Copy !req
203. So, there it is.Copy !req
204. And if you go ahead
and listen very carefully,Copy !req
205. you'll hear the familiar sound
of no one caring.Copy !req
206. I like that guy.Copy !req
207. When the Kelsonoviches
settled in Monroeville, PA,Copy !req
208. there were two steel mills, three bars,Copy !req
209. and not a doctor in sight.Copy !req
210. Then my old man set up a shingleCopy !req
211. and started delivering babiesCopy !req
212. and stitching up three-fingered
steel men by the wagonload.Copy !req
213. Everybody loved him.Copy !req
214. When they couldn't come up with the cash,Copy !req
215. he would gladly
accept a handmade sweaterCopy !req
216. or a bushel of turnips.Copy !req
217. Jackass.Copy !req
218. Now I get to do this in public.Copy !req
219. This is a hospital, all right?
People here are already sick.Copy !req
220. You guys do it all the time.Copy !req
221. - Tell me we don't look like that.
- We don't look like that.Copy !req
222. You guys are just jealousCopy !req
223. cos you're not
the hot couple in town any more.Copy !req
224. Jealous, my chocolate butt!Copy !req
225. I'm telling you, we are so damn hot,Copy !req
226. last night, when I was
home waiting for Turk,Copy !req
227. I put on this tiny negligee. It was so small
I took it off my Latin Barbie...Copy !req
228. When I got home, you were asleep,
drooling like a sheepdog.Copy !req
229. You don't have to tell 'em that.Copy !req
230. While you guys were sleeping,Copy !req
231. we were up in the kitchen
fryin' up some love.Copy !req
232. Relationships? Well, Sigmund,Copy !req
233. relationships are so fragile.Copy !req
234. It just takes one thing, one...Copy !req
235. tiny little offence,
and it can snowball on you.Copy !req
236. And if that snowball starts
to pick up speed, God forbid,Copy !req
237. you better tuck and go.Copy !req
238. Why did you do that?
How could you thinkCopy !req
239. that's appropriate conversation for work?Copy !req
240. - We didn't have sex.
- No.Copy !req
241. - Especially not on the stove. What?
- That is not funny.Copy !req
242. Sorry.Copy !req
243. We didn't.Copy !req
244. That's great. Thanks.Copy !req
245. Thanks a lot, JD. Really mature.Copy !req
246. Come on.Copy !req
247. Elliot.Copy !req
248. I am so full.Copy !req
249. - Give me another slice.
- Really?Copy !req
250. Yeah. Big one.Copy !req
251. I cannot have any more
until I work off the last two slices.Copy !req
252. So what do you say?
Fat, gassy, bloaty sex?Copy !req
253. OK.Copy !req
254. - I'm gonna puke!
- I don't care.Copy !req
255. Mr Lewis,Copy !req
256. we're gonna need another stool sample.Copy !req
257. Not for medical reasons.
My robot needs food.Copy !req
258. That laugh.Copy !req
259. But it's your laugh. I gave it to you.Copy !req
260. I love it so much,
I can't stop using it.Copy !req
261. It's not as charming if you're mad.Copy !req
262. You only laugh at your own jokes.
You never laugh at anything I do.Copy !req
263. That's not true.Copy !req
264. colonoscopy.
Dr Cox, I'm open!Copy !req
265. Hit me!Copy !req
266. There was nothing funny about that.Copy !req
267. Maybe you just don't know funny.
Let me help you out.Copy !req
268. Silly hats are funny.
ALF? Very funny!Copy !req
269. Anyone in a chicken suit...
Oversized phones are funny.Copy !req
270. - JD...
- Hold on.Copy !req
271. Hello?Copy !req
272. She's right here.Copy !req
273. It's for you.Copy !req
274. You know what?
You're not as funny as you think you are.Copy !req
275. And bam!Copy !req
276. The shine's off the apple.Copy !req
277. That's when you find out that
that pretty girl you marriedCopy !req
278. isn't a pretty girl at all.
No. She's a man-eater.Copy !req
279. And I'm not talking about the "Whoa,
whoa, here she comes" kind of man-eater.Copy !req
280. I'm talking about the kind
that uses your dignity as a dishtowelCopy !req
281. to wipe up any shreds of manhood
that might be stuck inside the sink.Copy !req
282. I may have tormented her
from time to time,Copy !req
283. but that's what I thought
marriage was all about.Copy !req
284. So much so,
that by the end of that relationship,Copy !req
285. I honestly don't know
who I hated more: her or me.Copy !req
286. I used to sit around and wonderCopy !req
287. why our friends weren't trying
to destroy each other, like we were.Copy !req
288. And here it turns out
the answer's pretty simple.Copy !req
289. They weren't unhappy.Copy !req
290. We were.Copy !req
291. I suck at this.Copy !req
292. Sorry.Copy !req
293. You look great bent over.Copy !req
294. I rolled that damn thing exactly
the way the video I bought told me to.Copy !req
295. Probably just a bad ball.Copy !req
296. You don't have to patronise me.
Tell me that I suck.Copy !req
297. It's hard to be honest
when you're so neuroticCopy !req
298. you don't even trust the computer
to keep your score.Copy !req
299. - I'm neurotic?
- I'm sorry!Copy !req
300. - Is it always this hard?
- Bowling's a tricky sport.Copy !req
301. - No, I meant...
- I know.Copy !req
302. It's difficult for everybody.Copy !req
303. - My baby got a strike!
- I got a strike!Copy !req
304. - My baby did it!
- I got a strike!Copy !req
305. Knock 'em down!
My baby know how to knock 'em down!Copy !req
306. - Turk! I'm dizzy!
- Sorry.Copy !req
307. I'm sorry about him.Copy !req
308. My turn!Copy !req
309. Want me to pick you up?Copy !req
310. Enid has always understoodCopy !req
311. how much my career meant to me.Copy !req
312. She knows
I'm an important man in my field,Copy !req
313. and it helps her get on all those
boards of things her friends are on.Copy !req
314. You know, like, bringing artCopy !req
315. to the underprivileged kids
in the community, blah, blah, blah.Copy !req
316. When I first met her,
she wanted to be a psychiatrist.Copy !req
317. But we both decidedCopy !req
318. that that wasn't a fitting profession
for a family woman.Copy !req
319. No offence, sweetheart.Copy !req
320. I know she's grateful.Copy !req
321. She likes to joke thatCopy !req
322. I choked the last breath of life
out of her long ago.Copy !req
323. Now she's just a shell of a woman.Copy !req
324. I think that's so cute.
I call her Shelly.Copy !req
325. You know, when I call her that,Copy !req
326. sometimes she laughs so hard,Copy !req
327. she cries a little.Copy !req
328. You should've gotten a cardiology fellowCopy !req
329. to give Mrs Zuckerman
a transvenous pacemaker one hour ago.Copy !req
330. Sir, I was waiting to see...Copy !req
331. You were waiting. I'm sorry, that's...Copy !req
332. That's my mistake.Copy !req
333. I'm gonna wait with ya.Copy !req
334. Dr Cox...Copy !req
335. Gotta give it time.
Because, you see,Copy !req
336. when you're waiting for someone
to get better all by themselves,Copy !req
337. the whole thing becomes about time.Copy !req
338. I was waiting to see if she would
tolerate her low heart rate,Copy !req
339. which is what the textbooks tell us to do.
Am I right, JD?Copy !req
340. - Is she right, JD?
- Technically, yes.Copy !req
341. But it's really a judgment call,Copy !req
342. and if she really was that bradycardic,Copy !req
343. I probably would've called the fellow.Copy !req
344. But I... That's me. I...Copy !req
345. Always side with the hoochie, Newbie?Copy !req
346. It's a rookie mistake.Copy !req
347. You hate to see it.Copy !req
348. - Tell you about my girlfriend?
- Tell you about my boyfriend?Copy !req
349. OK.Copy !req
350. I can be myself around Carla.Copy !req
351. Turk makes me feel completely safeCopy !req
352. and totally independent
at the same time.Copy !req
353. And it's all the same,
whether I'm with her or with my boys.Copy !req
354. I can say whatever's on my mind.Copy !req
355. And even if he doesn't like it,Copy !req
356. even if he doesn't understand it,
he respects it.Copy !req
357. Don't get me wrong. I'm not gonna
give my boys a back rub.Copy !req
358. Sure, if a brother's got an itch,
I'll scratch it, but...Copy !req
359. He seems to like who I am.Copy !req
360. She's a cool lady.Copy !req
361. - I love her.
- I love him.Copy !req
362. I should've stood up for you
with Dr Cox.Copy !req
363. You should've.Copy !req
364. I don't want him to think
it's about our relationship.Copy !req
365. I know that you want Dr Cox
to respect you,Copy !req
366. but you should want me
to respect you too.Copy !req
367. If I didn't respect you,
I wouldn't be having sex with you.Copy !req
368. - That's not true. I would be.
- If you can't talk for real, forget it.Copy !req
369. A perfect dismount
off her high horse.Copy !req
370. If you don't like something, say it.
Why hide behind stupid jokes?Copy !req
371. Why is it impossible for you
to let anything go?Copy !req
372. I let stuff go, like when you wouldn't
stand up for me with Dr Cox,Copy !req
373. or when you told everyone
we're having sex.Copy !req
374. - When are you letting that go?
- You wanna know why I won't let that go?Copy !req
375. You wouldn't stand up for meCopy !req
376. because you're terrified
that someone won't like you.Copy !req
377. And that's a bad thing?Copy !req
378. Why don't we get all my friends together
in a room and we'll fight your friend.Copy !req
379. I'm getting so tired of this.Copy !req
380. Elliot, this is me.Copy !req
381. And there's a lot of people here
who like me for who I am.Copy !req
382. - I thought you were one of 'em.
- I thought I was too.Copy !req
383. Relationships don't work
the way they do in the movies.Copy !req
384. Will they? Won't they? They finally do
and they're happy for ever.Copy !req
385. Nine out of ten end because they
weren't right for each other to begin with,Copy !req
386. and half of the ones that get married
get divorced anyway.Copy !req
387. And through all this,
I have not become a cynic.Copy !req
388. I do happen to believe
that love is mainly aboutCopy !req
389. pushing chocolate-covered candies,
and you know, in some cultures, a chicken.Copy !req
390. You can call me a sucker.
I don't care.Copy !req
391. Because I do believe in it.Copy !req
392. Bottom line is couples
that are right for each otherCopy !req
393. wade through the same crap
as everybody else.Copy !req
394. But the big difference is,
they don't let it take 'em down.Copy !req
395. One of those two people
will fight for that relationshipCopy !req
396. every time, if it's right
and they're real lucky.Copy !req
397. One of 'em will say something.Copy !req
398. Things that wouldn't have bothered
you a week ago in a friendshipCopy !req
399. become so incredibly important
when sex is involved.Copy !req
400. I just think it'd be easierCopy !req
401. if you weren't friends
with your girlfriendCopy !req
402. at all.Copy !req
403. I've always been sure about everything.
Sure that I wanted to be a doctor,Copy !req
404. and I was sure that I was gonna
be married by the time I was 25.Copy !req
405. But relationships...Copy !req
406. I always heard that
when they were right, they were easy.Copy !req
407. That even when things got hardCopy !req
408. that they were easy.Copy !req
409. I don't get that at all.Copy !req
410. How is that possible?Copy !req
411. Am I in a relationship now?Copy !req
412. No. I'm not in one now.Copy !req
413. No.Copy !req
414. I can't believe today's over.Copy !req
415. - I can't believe I ate half a pizza.
- Please. You had two pieces.Copy !req
416. If you tell anyone anything about today,
please leave that part out.Copy !req
417. I will, cos I'm a gentleman.Copy !req
418. Do you think this is gonna work out?Copy !req
419. Yeah. I think it's gonna be great.Copy !req
420. I believe you.Copy !req
421. I believe me too.Copy !req