Scrubs 1x13

Directed by Michael Spiller

Sam Lloyd as Ted Buckland • Robert Maschio as Todd • Aloma Wright as Laverne Roberts • Elizabeth Bogush as Alex • Carrot Top as Carrot Top

J.D. is frustrated when his budding romance with an ex-patient wilts as their dates are constantly interrupted by emergency calls, while the beastly Dr. Kelso becomes less fearsome to the wide-eyed interns, when Dr. Cox informs them how to avoid the blowhard's bite. In addition, a perplexed Carla and Turk deal with their first sexual intimacy complication.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. You asked out a girl stuck in an MRI machine,

2. without ever seeing her face.

3. Remember, no matter what she looks like,

4. be sure to play it cool.

5. Yes!

6. Yes! You are smokin' hot!

7. In your face!

8. That night, we went out on our first date.

9. Had our first dinner.

10. Rented our first movie.

11. Took our first long drive.

12. Look out!

13. Killed our first raccoon.

14. Ever since then, every date we've been on has always ended the same way.

15. No!

16. Cox wants me back at the hospital.

17. - But the page is addressed to Lillian. - That's me.

18. What a drag.

19. That was probably the wrong time to ask for a quickie.

20. I have been coerced

21. by the forces of evil into conducting rounds this morning.

22. Why do you have to do rounds?

23. Because I'm sleepy. How's that?

24. To make this a more palatable experience for moi,

25. I am not going to call you by your names. I'll be referring to you

26. by whatever distinguishing physical characteristic occurs to me.

27. You, Chicken Beak.

28. What causes pneumonia presenting with diarrhoea?

29. - Legionella. - Nice job.

30. It turns out your mind's just as sharp as your nose.

31. And you, Dye Job.

32. What are the elements of Whipple's triad?

33. It's hard to describe how scary it is when you don't know an answer.

34. I can't remember. I am so sorry.

35. What are you sorry about?

36. Dr Kelso yells at us when we don't know...

37. Children,

38. you can't let that bloated bag of hate affect you.

39. Being a doctor is as much about finding the answers as knowing them.

40. For instance, take Clarabelle's patient here, Mr Yeager.

41. We have no idea what's wrong with him.

42. So we have run tests for everything and according to these results...

43. Everything seems to have come back negative.

44. Which doesn't necessarily mean that Clarabelle is a failure.

45. It just means that she's got to keep trying,

46. no matter how frustrated she might get.

47. Now, of course, if you are lazy and incompetent,

48. then, yes, that will buy you a one-way ticket out of here.

49. Doug.

50. Listen carefully. Kelso can't do a thing to you if you answer a question wrong.

51. It doesn't work that way. Moving on. Not you. You still have work to do.

52. Johnny No-Tan? I'd like you to present the next patient to me.

53. I love you.

54. Now say it in Spanish.

55. Te amo.

56. Now... say it like Astro.

57. I ruv roo.

58. - You are very, very cute. - I know.

59. I've been thinking about this "I love you" thing.

60. It's gonna make everything so much better.

61. I mean, we're so in sync. Better conversation,

62. better dancing...

63. And?

64. Way better shrumpdown.

65. Yeah!

66. I'm so sorry. That has never happened to me before.

67. Man, she's beautiful.

68. I wish I was that piece of bacon. Wait a second.

69. I am that piece of bacon.

70. That's right.

71. You mind not staring at me while I'm eating?

72. I hate it.

73. - But I'm not. - What am I doing right now?

74. - Eating. - What are you doing?

75. Staring.

76. There. Now no one gets to eat it.

77. - You happy? - Not really.

78. You know what's great?

79. Even when our dates get interrupted, we can have a date here.

80. Let's say you wanted to watch a movie.

81. We could go to the conference room and watch that video on STDs.

82. It's funny and it makes you think.

83. Maybe it would be good if we actually had a date that

84. - ends. - How does a date with you end?

85. It can range from a kiss at the door

86. to "all I have for breakfast is yoghurt and I'm out of bowls,

87. so you'll have to eat off my stomach."

88. Tonight. Dinner. Hyde's.

89. It's a date.

90. Judging from the ataxia dysarthria,

91. I've concluded that Mr Yeager is suffering from... kuru.

92. - Kuru? - Kuru.

93. - Kuru? - Yes, kuru.

94. - I'd actually never thought of that. - Hell, yeah.

95. Were you aware that the only documented cases of kuru

96. were members of a cannibalistic tribe in Papua New Guinea?

97. - I was not. - Actually, doc,

98. I was in New Guinea last week.

99. - Really? - No.

100. - Do you happen to know what a zebra is? - He just mocked me.

101. It's a diagnosis of an obscure disease

102. when it's more likely to be a common illness with uncommon symptoms.

103. In other words, if you hear hoof beats,

104. you just go ahead and think horsies, not zebras.

105. Mm-kay, Mr Silly Bear?

106. - What's wrong? - It's personal.

107. Why won't you ever open up to me? I came to you

108. when I thought I had a broken tailbone and it was just a really bad pimple.

109. It's a sex thing. OK?

110. Like a gender issue or like intercourse? Because I'm book-smart on both.

111. Carla? Use me.

112. - Last night, when I was with Carla... - Dude, I can't talk.

113. I gotta figure this Mr Yeager thing out.

114. Cool.

115. My horse didn't finish the race.

116. I'm at the filling station, but my credit card's declined.

117. - I'm on the jet ski... - I got it!

118. - Good. I had no idea what to say... - No. Mr Yeager.

119. Where you go...? Who am I going to talk to about sex?

120. Let's get our talk on.

121. Player to player.

122. Afternoon rounds that day began like any other.

123. This patient is hypoglycaemic. What are the signs of an insulinoma, Dr Reid?

124. Elevated C-peptide levels.

125. Score! But before you do your crazy end-zone dance,

126. tell me the spinal fluid findings in Guillaume-Barré syndrome.

127. - Xanthochromia? - Wrong!

128. And then it happened. Suddenly, Dr Kelso didn't seem as frightening.

129. Dr Reid, what do you have to say for yourself?

130. Win some, lose some.

131. In fact, nothing he did seemed to scare us.

132. Not any more.

133. Not even the most horrible thing he could think of.

134. All right, welcome to the ICU! No, really, sit down.

135. For women that don't know how to cook. I put the Yellow Pages in there.

136. What do you want? Mexican? Italian? Japanese? American cuisine?

137. It's a cook... I'm flat-linin'. Beep!

138. Save him!

139. Tip your nurses.

140. And I think he knew who was behind it.

141. Cox.

142. Talk to me

143. You know, that's really getting annoying.

144. Every time you say it, it makes me not want to talk to you all the more.

145. Talk to me

146. All right, fine!

147. Last night, Turk and I were, you know, messin' around.

148. - It's really hot, like always. - Hot like how? Describe it.

149. Dude!

150. So suddenly, things aren't happening. You know what I mean?

151. The only change is that we said "I love you" to each other.

152. It's true.

153. I have never said "I love you" to a woman before.

154. Then how do you get them to sleep with you?

155. It's three little words. It shouldn't have this effect, right?

156. Anyway, I told him it wasn't his fault. These things happen occasionally.

157. Try constantly.

158. I have cold hands, and...

159. So when I saw you this morning and I said "How's your penis?"

160. and you didn't wanna talk about it...

161. Dude. It's not me.

162. It's me.

163. Last night, for the first time ever in our relationship,

164. no matter how long we tried,

165. I was unable to have an...

166. Dr Cox, I got the sed rate back on Mr Yeager. Say "how do" to that.

167. But then I'm due back at the hootenanny.

168. I noticed he had a rash. I realised he's been having jaw claudication,

169. - which led me to... - Temporal arteritis.

170. Of course. Nurse, start Mr Yeager on solumedrol and get the surgery resident?

171. He needs a temporal artery biopsy stat.

172. Newbie, I can handle this.

173. - You're off, aren't you? - I'm with you.

174. Fair enough. Let's go treat the patient.

175. I am so on top of things tonight, it's scary.

176. Hell, yeah.

177. You're only 80 minutes late. She'll still be here.

178. Please be here. Come on, Alex.

179. Please be here.

180. You gotta be kidding me.

181. There's a waste of a gift certificate.

182. Cancel the cobbler!

183. She's not having an orgasm.

184. Still not seeing what the problem is.

185. I've never even had an orgasm.

186. I'm sorry. I should be more surprised.

187. That'd be nice.

188. - I want to talk to you about rounds. - Here we go. Bring it on.

189. They're all yours.

190. You will be leading them from now on.

191. You've stunned me, but you haven't dropped me to the mat.

192. Waiting for the roundhouse here. The old haymaker,

193. when the yelling starts and the voice gets high-pitched.

194. "Daddy, I've been bad. Daddy, I've been a bad boy."

195. "Oh, Daddy! Daddy, I've been bad."

196. If you're not gonna play, it's no fun.

197. Hey, Alex, I am so sorry. I went to the restaurant but just missed you.

198. Then I called, but there was no answer,

199. then I stopped by, and I guess you didn't see me which was odd,

200. cos I was standing next to the pizza guy while you were paying him.

201. We're still cool, right?

202. - Look, JD... - "Look, JD, we're still great?"

203. I think you're a really good guy. OK? But...

204. - Alex dumped me. - The blind girl you've been dating?

205. - She's not blind. - Of course not.

206. How'd you drop the ball? Don't tell me you cried,

207. or I'll ban you from the men's room again.

208. I was so excited what we were doing here, I forgot about our date.

209. You didn't forget. You kept looking at your watch. I saw you.

210. I assumed that you were afraid of missing Judging Amy.

211. It never occurred to me you were choosing work

212. over being with that sweet little biscuit.

213. That means a lot coming from you,

214. Mr Right-here-with-me two-hours-after-his-shift-

215. and-last-Monday-night-too... guy.

216. - What? - You heard me.

217. Newbie, what're you saying?

218. That you want to be like me?

219. Do you understand that I just barely want to be like me?

220. I can't even pretend I can give you tips on intercourse.

221. I got one for you. Stop calling it that.

222. My therapist thinks my trouble in bed stems from a fear of intimacy,

223. but I think it's because any type of repetitive motion makes me nauseous.

224. And since I was a kid, I've had nightmares about being crushed.

225. That poor shrink.

226. The one thing I do know is that I've sabotaged a lot of relationships

227. by never talking things out with the guy that I'm seeing.

228. - Thanks. - Sure.

229. So... You've really never had...

230. No.

231. - Not even by yourself? - Gross.

232. Is it easy?

233. When's your next laundry night?

234. Ted.

235. I need you to take care of some lawyer crap for me.

236. It'd be great if you would go to traffic court for me and make this go away.

237. I don't think so.

238. Excuse me?

239. No, Bob! I have my own things I need to take care of.

240. Of course.

241. Walk off, bitch.

242. How is it, exactly, that you just said that

243. and your pants are still dry?

244. Don't you understand

245. what you did when you spoke to those interns?

246. You took away the fear.

247. You... are a wonderful person,

248. and... I love you.

249. I have to ask Alex for another chance. I have to.

250. OK, she's with a hot guy. Stay calm. She's gonna be psyched to see you.

251. JD. Hey.

252. Or not.

253. I don't prioritise you over my job, but I'd like to.

254. I wanted to be a doctor for so long,

255. I sort of forgot how to want anything else.

256. And now I meet you, and...

257. I'll do anything in the world if you give me a second chance.

258. I'm sorry.

259. I'll leave you guys alone.

260. OK, Rowdy,

261. fetch!

262. Hey, sweetie?

263. - We have to talk. - No time for talk.

264. We have a problem we need to take care of.

265. Why are you wearing a nose-breathing thingy?

266. Baby, bear with me. I got big ideas.

267. I've been having all these thoughts going through my head,

268. and I'm afraid if I tell you, I'd scare you away.

269. That's the last thing that I wanna... Take that damn thing off.

270. Oh, God.

271. Baby, there's nothing that could scare me away.

272. Since we said "I love you", I've been feeling all this pressure.

273. And wondering about the future. Our future.

274. Are we gonna get married? Are we gonna have kids?

275. If so, when will I get my figure back?

276. Where are we gonna live? Will my mother live with us? How big a house?

277. How many bathrooms? What if she walks in on you

278. while you're in the bathroom, you fall, and I can't afford the funeral costs?

279. That's a little scary.

280. I guess I just need to know you think about that stuff too.

281. Carla?

282. No, I don't.

283. - But I love it that you do. - Yeah?

284. That's what makes this relationship work.

285. We're so different. I keep us in the present,

286. you look out for what's up ahead.

287. Besides, there is no way in hell

288. your mother's ever going to live with us.

289. If she ever walks in on me while I'm in the bathroom,

290. she's getting a trip to Florida.

291. - No, she's not. - I'm tell...

292. Ladies and germs, if you get this shorthand down,

293. it has a way of making your day go quicker.

294. "CTD" being "circling the drain." Your patient is on the way out.

295. "SOB", "shortness of breath" and "WNL", "within normal limits".

296. Elvis, feel free to write this down,

297. any time before you leave the building.

298. - You paged me? - I didn't page you.

299. And that's when Dr Cox started poking the old bear with a stick.

300. I'm sick of the grill 'em and drill 'em.

301. What do you say we shake things up?

302. You kids ask me the questions, and I'll just give you the answers.

303. Dr Cox, could I talk to you?

304. Sure, Bob, but you have to raise your hand like all the other children.

305. - I just think it's inappropriate... - Bob-o?

306. Now, you've got five good ones right there.

307. What do you say you put 'em up in the air like you just don't care?

308. Get over here, right now.

309. Maybe he felt sorry for Kelso and didn't wanna take the one thing he had.

310. Maybe he just hated rounds.

311. Get the hell outta my ICU!

312. But if you didn't know Dr Cox like I did,

313. you would've believed his performance too.

314. I guess the key to a lot of things is balance.

315. Whether it's balance of power...

316. Dr Simotas, stop smiling.

317. I hate smiling.

318. balance in love...

319. or sometimes...

320. just balance.

321. For some of us, it seems too far out of reach.

322. Too difficult to achieve.

323. But the important thing is just to never stop trying.

324. Especially if you like girls named Alex.

325. And chicken salad.