Scrubs 1x1

1. Gunshot wound to the left side. Seems to have missed the heart

2. but shredded the lung.

3. BP dropping. He's hypoxic. He's 70.

4. He must have nicked a vessel. Gotta find the bleeder.

5. Prep for a thoracotomy. On my count. Three, two, one.

6. - Order two units of O-neg. - Scalpel?

7. A career in medicine can take you down many different paths.

8. Spreader?

9. If you're lucky, you end up where you're supposed to be.

10. Found it. Clamp.

11. Clamping.

12. BP rising. Great save, J.D.

13. Great. Let's get him to the OR, guys.

14. No.

15. - Stop it. Stop. - Dorian! Dorian!

16. - Stop it. - Dorian!

17. - You guys are crazy. Stop it. No. - Dorian! Dorian! Dorian!

18. - Dr. Dorian? - Yeah?

19. - Will you sign my tattoo? - Sure.

20. That was a good hair day.

21. - Dorian! Dorian! - Great job, man.

22. - Glad you're feeling better. - Dorian! Dorian! Dorian! Whoo!

23. Dr. Dorian?

24. Dr. Dorian? Do I need stitches?

25. Sure, being a concierge doctor isn't nonstop excitement,

26. but I have more time to see my kids.

27. No, Frank. For cuts this small, we just use a little dab of glue.

28. Fantastic job keeping your food journal, Lisa.

29. I just didn't expect to see the word "smash burger" on every page.

30. It's really been a full four hours? We gotta get that thing down, Reggie.

31. And making house calls for the upper crust sure pays well.

32. I'm more concerned with how it's leaning.

33. Yep, this was my life now.

34. That's why it felt so weird to be back at Sacred Heart.

35. I live an hour away, but one of my patients collapsed

36. at her grandson's soccer tournament nearby and got admitted. So here I am.

37. Okay, listen up, people. Listen up.

38. That means you, neck brace.

39. Some things never change.

40. This hospital is code black, which means we are at capacity.

41. So, unless you got a baby's head peeking out from between your legs,

42. do not ask me how much longer.

43. How much longer, mamacita?

44. I'll mess you up.

45. Oh, my God. Bambi.

46. What the hell?

47. Does Turk know you're here?

48. He has no idea.

49. J.D. is here.

50. - Turk! - J.D.!

51. Coming in hot!

52. Ready to receive!

53. - Oh. - Eagle!

54. Yeehaw—

55. - Oh, no. Whoa, whoa, whoa. - My back.

56. - No, no, it's your sciatica. - Get off.

57. - Engage your core, C-Bear. - Oh, God. No. Oh, I'm going down.

58. - Pull up, pull up. - I'm going down!

59. I think it might be time to retire Eagle.

60. She's right, J.D. It's time. Call it.

61. Okay.

62. Time of death...

63. You know, I actually can't see that without my glasses.

64. So, now that you're in town, should we go out to dinner?

65. Yes. Do you guys have a place you usually go?

66. Buddy, we haven't been out to dinner since the Disney princesses were white.

67. Besides, baby,

68. I could really use some man time.

69. Turk was surrounded by female energy.

70. He had four daughters,

71. - Izzy, Ellie, Sophia and Nora. - Bye, Dad.

72. Love you.

73. Izzy, Beetle, take care of Ella Bella.

74. Daddy, why don't I have a nickname?

75. Oh. You do, sweetness.

76. - You're The Accident. - Turk!

77. - Fine. Have your guys' night out. - Yes!

78. - I'll see you later? - See you later, guys.

79. - All right, give me some. - Ow!

80. Nostalgia washed over me.

81. The smell of the bleached floors, the blinding fluorescent lights,

82. the closet where Elliot and I hid from our very first code.

83. That's where our love story began.

84. Do me right here.

85. - Okay. - See?

86. - Oh. Holy crap. J.D. - Ow!

87. Good God, you're like a blonde ninja.

88. What the frick? Why are you here?

89. Oh, by the way, our marriage didn't make it.

90. I have a patient. I'll be gone soon, I promise.

91. Your promises mean just about as much as...

92. We agreed in couples' counseling

93. that in order to have a healthy post-divorce life,

94. we need to respect each other's space.

95. I hate couples' counseling.

96. Could you please be mindful of your tone

97. to avoid negative patterns from our marriage?

98. I love couples' counseling.

99. Look, J.D., I've really been working on myself, okay?

100. I've been lighting a candle for every resentment I had about our marriage

101. and floating them across the pond at Winston Park.

102. I'm in a good place. I don't wanna backslide.

103. I can't just light all those candles again.

104. It was really cold, and I got a ticket for scaring the ducks.

105. There's my gal.

106. Oh, goodness, Jonathan.

107. They got teenagers working here.

108. Those are just interns, Mrs. Brooks.

109. Okay, your labs look fine. I think you're just dehydrated.

110. Who admitted you?

111. - I did. - Oh. Uh, can I ask why? No judgment.

112. None taken.

113. I admitted her because I'm a good doctor.

114. Oh. "Dr. Park," is it?

115. When doctors fight in front of a patient,

116. they always try to make it sound friendly.

117. These labs are normal for a woman of her age.

118. If it helps, I could explain to you what all these fancy numbers mean.

119. It's so nice to meet...

120. An incredibly stupid person.

121. Her abdominal pain suggests ischemic bowel.

122. No, all she needs is hydration and emollient laxatives.

123. And there he was, the chief of medicine, my mentor.

124. At least he couldn't call me newbie anymore.

125. - What can I do for you there, oldie? - Damn it.

126. Perry, Dr. Park here needs to know that my medical expertise is on par with his.

127. Well, now, Dr. Park graduated top of his class at Stanford,

128. whereas your current claim to fame is handing out erections

129. like tiny hot dogs at a bar mitzvah.

130. Well, run a blood gas on her and see who's right.

131. This is the person?

132. Yes, this is J.D.

133. Dr. Park is teaching me Korean.

134. Did I hear my name in there?

135. No. Walk with me.

136. I, uh, heard about the divorce. Sorry about that.

137. Also... ... thankful I, uh, won five dollars off of Mickhead.

138. I took the under.

139. Actually, it is good to see you. I miss the days when you were an intern.

140. Aw. You don't have to say that.

141. I knew it. He's about to ask you to play golf at his fancy private club.

142. Damn it. Why did you only learn the mini kind?

143. Get a load of this motley crew.

144. No, no, no. Sorry.

145. I am not sure how to teach these kids.

146. I can't work them crazy hours or even abuse them anymore.

147. - And that's a bad thing? - Yeah, exactly.

148. I wasn't sure if you would get that.

149. I am now supposed to watch every word that comes out of my mouth

150. because apparently they are all fragile little Christmas ornaments.

151. Case in point.

152. TikTok-tock.

153. Oh. Hey, Dr. Cox.

154. Tomorrow, I am going to perform a central line placement,

155. and it would just be fabulous if you could come in early and observe.

156. I'm good. I just watched one on YouTube, like, two days ago. It slapped.

157. Do you know Dr. Randy? He's my favorite creator.

158. He breaks down procedures while doing bedtime ASMR.

159. It'll give you really graphic dreams.

160. I'll send it to you. You're gonna die.

161. I will die if you send it to me, 'cause then I'll just have to murder you.

162. And with all these witnesses,

163. I think it's pretty safe to assume they'll give me the chair.

164. Dr. Cox, I'm gonna need you to go ahead and... bring it down.

165. Work-life balance is a core principle of our wellness program.

166. Now, if you can't embrace that,

167. then you'll have to join me at my sensitivity training workshop.

168. - Don't I get three strikes? - You have 900 strikes.

169. Woman is like the damn feelings police.

170. Feelings police?

171. Ugh. Go change your shirt. You look chubby in that.

172. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

173. - You know he's insecure about his body. - Thank you.

174. He's just not ready to show you his vulnerability yet.

175. Wow.

176. You're really in touch with male feelings.

177. How do you think I became a feelings cop?

178. What the hell?

179. I could help so many people.

180. - Hey. - Good morning, sir.

181. Dr. ChapStick is flirting with you?

182. I don't know. I'm never sure.

183. Last Thursday, he did tell me that he thought I had a cute burp.

184. Turk, thoughts?

185. Yeah, he totally wants to get on that flat ass.

186. Score. I had planned to accidentally burp

187. near him again today, but then J.D. threw me off my game.

188. Oh, stop worrying about J.D. Here.

189. Chug half of that and go launch a cute burp into that man's face.

190. Okay.

191. Hey, guys.

192. Frick. I cannot believe I wasted that on you.

193. - I actually missed those. - Ooh.

194. Hey, by the way, if you can get out of here early,

195. we can hit the happy hour that has those awesome free wings.

196. Dashana, can you go see if there's an open OR?

197. You know, our diabetic guy, Mr. Kiefer? Let's move his toe amputation up to now.

198. On it, Dr. Turk. I'll tell the patient there's a free wing issue.

199. - Don't do that. Don't do that. - Don't mention the wings, please. No, no.

200. Just one more test, and if the results are what I think they are,

201. I should be able to get you out of here today. All right?

202. Oh, thank goodness.

203. Oldie, can you babysit these for a minute, please?

204. I need to go count to ten.

205. This one asked if he could shut his eyes while I place a central line.

206. Admittedly, I do still get a little woozy around some procedures.

207. - All procedures. - All procedures.

208. Oh.

209. Okay, well, let's start by introducing yourself.

210. - This is Mrs. Brooks. - I'm Dr. Green.

211. I believe kindness is the best medicine.

212. Actually, medicine is the best medicine.

213. You're gonna get an arterial blood gas on Mrs. Brooks.

214. - He's gonna do it? - I'm gonna puke if I do it.

215. - I don't want him puking on me. - If he pukes, I'll puke.

216. No one is puking, okay? You got this.

217. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

218. Oh, my God, this is humiliating.

219. Captain Bedside, face that way.

220. Yeah, I think that's probably for the best.

221. And don't be overconfident. Finding the radial artery can be tricky.

222. I'm in.

223. Nice job, Blake. You made that look handsome—

224. Easy. Easy does it.

225. I got to admit. I miss teaching. That's what this place is all about.

226. - Dr. Turk? - Hmm?

227. - Maybe I-I could close? - No, just watch.

228. Okay.

229. Damn, I wish this guy would just die all at once

230. instead of in tiny little pieces.

231. I don't know how much more I can take of this,

232. but I'm not gonna let him crush my spirit.

233. We can't let Dr. Bummer break us.

234. See, this is what I really miss. The hot goss.

235. Who's Dr. Bummer?

236. I don't know. Some other guy. Definitely not your best friend.

237. - Turk's not a bummer. - He is the worst.

238. There's no way.

239. And if he's ever in a bad mood, all you gotta do is go, "What's up?"

240. And he'll die laughing. I swear. Try it.

241. What's up?

242. Go practice.

243. Carla, do you know Turk's interns call him Dr. Bummer?

244. Well, I mean, I'm sure you know how dark Turk's been at work lately.

245. - Just nod like you do. - And he refuses to talk about it.

246. Y'all talking about Dr. Turk?

247. If so, prayers up.

248. Even Hooch knows?

249. - Is Hooch still crazy? - He's gotten worse.

250. - Doctor. Here you go. - Thanks.

251. Just what I wanted to see.

252. Hey, C-Bear, I was right about my patient.

253. Wanna come watch me rub it in Dr. Cox's face like the good old days?

254. You know I do.

255. Hey, but you know what? You should chew a big wad of gum.

256. You always look tough when you chew gum.

257. I do look tough when I chew gum. I hope they have berry blast.

258. Excuse me, Doctor?

259. My wife's outside in the car throwing up.

260. - It might just be the stomach flu, but— - Sir, you're gonna have to go to the ER.

261. I-If we go to the ER, we're going to be crushed with bills.

262. I think we'll just wait in the car in case it gets worse,

263. but could you just take a quick look at her?

264. Look, man.

265. You can't order health care from your car, okay?

266. It's a hospital, not a Wendy's.

267. Sorry.

268. You didn't have to be so harsh.

269. If you want to go help him, help him.

270. You're gonna get fired, but I think we'll all live.

271. - Let's go, Kim. - It's Sam.

272. - A word, Perry. - Yeah, a word, Perry.

273. So, it turns out when Mrs. Brooks's blood got...

274. I can't understand a word you're saying.

275. I know, this hubba has too much bubba. I can't control it.

276. The berry's blasting all over my mouth.

277. Give it to me. Go ahead.

278. Mrs. Brooks's blood gas came back. She's not acidotic.

279. Dr. Park, you were wrong.

280. Your boy botched it.

281. Well, my boy here needs the burn unit because he's on fire.

282. You both owe me an apology.

283. I'd rather self-circumcise.

284. - Oh. - Gum me.

285. You two idiots are perfect for each other.

286. He's not wrong, by the way. Our marriage would've lasted.

287. - Yeah, it would've. - Let's get wings.

288. You look so tough right now.

289. That went so well with Dr. Cox, I decided to press my luck.

290. What's been going on with you, man? I'm hearing you're in a rough place.

291. Nah, it's nothing.

292. Your interns call you Dr. Bummer.

293. I really don't want to talk about it right now.

294. I just want to go out and blow off some steam.

295. Actually, Turk, just hold on one second.

296. Oh, boy.

297. Come on, man. What is up?

298. I'm burnt out, okay?

299. My patient today is a perfect example.

300. Once he heals, he's gonna ignore my advice

301. and go right back to drinking and eating garbage.

302. And I'll keep removing body parts until he eventually dies on my table.

303. And his family will ask me, "Why couldn't you do more?"

304. Back in the day when you were here, we could at least get up on the roof,

305. and we could laugh the day off with a couple of beers, but we can't...

306. Can't do that anymore, can we?

307. There's no joy. None.

308. Why haven't you told me this? I could have been there for you.

309. I don't think you could relate to what I'm going through anyway. I mean...

310. You write scripts in the suburbs.

311. I don't feel like going out anymore. I'm gonna go home.

312. Turk.

313. What's up?

314. Not tonight, J.D.

315. - Ooh. You okay? - No.

316. Good.

317. Did you at least discharge my patient?

318. Dr. Cox wants me to keep her for another night.

319. Toodles.

320. Are you kidding me?

321. I was doing my best angry walk

322. because after Turk told me he was going home last night,

323. I heard he went out with someone else.

324. What the hell, man? You went out with The Todd?

325. I knew with you, it'd be therapy. I didn't wanna go deep.

326. The Todd really likes to go deep.

327. With consent five.

328. Hey, Carla, if you were planning on having sex with Turk tonight, don't.

329. He doesn't deserve it.

330. She's not. Their sex night's Thursday. Stop telling everyone what to do.

331. - Elliot. - What? I didn't even mention

332. that you do it in the minivan 'cause of the kids.

333. Oh, God.

334. I'm sorry. I've just been a little bit tense

335. because someone decided to keep J.D.'s patient here a little bit longer.

336. Why is J.D. being here so very hard on you?

337. Aren't you the one who ended the marriage?

338. Where did you hear that?

339. - Who can say? - Carla?

340. Barbie, Carla and I have been sharing secrets

341. since before you and your sorority sisters were in Panama City

342. flashing the cameras for Girls Gone Wild.

343. I was told they would be pixelated.

344. Elliot is in a lot of pain, okay?

345. - Okay? - Ah, yes.

346. In the history of relationships,

347. it has always been hardest on the one who ends it.

348. - I'm not being a jerk, am I? - Oh, sweetie.

349. It's gonna be fine.

350. The second I saw Dr. Cox, I turned my angry walk right back on.

351. Why is Mrs. Brooks still here?

352. Why do you have the physique of a menopausal lesbian?

353. Whoa. Too mean.

354. Not now, oldie.

355. This is frustrating.

356. You gave me the impression that you were able to place a central line

357. since you learned from your... Dr. Randy, was it?

358. Yeah, but he was really chill,

359. and you're giving mean, football coach vibes.

360. Ms. Tosh— You'll notice I'm not saying Dr. Tosh—

361. Dr. Cox.

362. Oh.

363. Thank you.

364. You know... ... it used to be see one, do one, teach one.

365. Alas, now it is see one, see one, see one, see one,

366. see one more, call your therapist, talk about how it felt to see one,

367. decide that seeing one is just too triggering.

368. You take a Xanax to calm down and Adderall to lock in

369. and finally focus enough to be able to write about the whole ordeal

370. in your dream journal.

371. Of course, if your dream is to be a mediocre doctor,

372. mission accomplished.

373. And by all means, hang on to the scrubs.

374. Maybe use them for Halloween...

375. 'cause you're damn sure not gonna be using them around here much longer.

376. Okay. I'll see you Saturday.

377. Worth it.

378. - What? - Oh. It's this little song

379. - I hear in my head whenever I see you. - Oh. I love it.

380. You got it.

381. Hey, you can do this.

382. Guide that finder needle into the jugular.

383. And she's gonna nick that artery.

384. No, she's not. She's not nicking anything. You got this, Sam.

385. Is it on my face?

386. No.

387. No, no, no.

388. Why don't you go take a couple, okay?

389. Five. Ten. Fifteen. Whatever you need.

390. Keep going.

391. And she did it.

392. - Oh, my God! - Wow, I was like...

393. And only one person wasn't psyched for her.

394. Hey, Blake.

395. Just a little advice.

396. You can't keep alienating everyone, okay?

397. This job is really rough. You're gonna need people.

398. Well, I'm not a kid like them. So, don't worry about me. I'll be fine.

399. Not if nobody has your back. Trust me.

400. Gotta go.

401. That's why I kept your patient here.

402. I'm sorry. What?

403. To keep you here.

404. You needed a reminder of how very good you are at what you do.

405. Getting her through that procedure,

406. that inspiring nonsense you just said to that gorgeous young man,

407. I can't do that.

408. I want you to come back.

409. Are you messing with me?

410. No.

411. Come back. Make a difference.

412. At least give it some thought.

413. Dr. Dorian.

414. Could I talk to you?

415. I'm about to go into surgery. What the hell are you guys doing?

416. All right, Dashana, tell him what you told me.

417. Well, Dr. Turk, uh...

418. The reason I chose this hospital was because of you, okay?

419. All I kept hearing was how great Dr. Turk is.

420. You're, like, the only other Black surgeon in this place, okay?

421. The rest of them just got, like, some Coldplay on loop in the OR

422. and say stuff like, "Wow, you're so articulate."

423. I guess I just thought you'd be my guy.

424. Great job.

425. Now we leave so he can feel horrible about himself.

426. No, Dashana, you stay.

427. You're gonna close. Are you good with that?

428. Yeah, sure. Yeah, no problem.

429. Oh, and Dashana?

430. This brother likes Coldplay too.

431. I had no idea what to do about Dr. Cox's job offer,

432. so I decided to sleep on it.

433. Sometimes when you feel a little lost, the world gives you a sign.

434. It's just not always a good one.

435. What's the status?

436. She was found unresponsive in her car. Heart attack.

437. We're trying, but she's gone.

438. Why couldn't you have helped us?

439. I had seen these moments too many times.

440. He just said it was a stomach ache. I...

441. You can't get through them on your own.

442. This wasn't your fault.

443. It could have happened to any one of us.

444. It would have taken me one minute to just walk out there and check on her,

445. and now she's dead because I didn't walk outside.

446. I should have done something.

447. And like that, I knew what my decision was.

448. Hey.

449. What are you still doing here? I thought you'd be long gone by now.

450. I'll take the job.

451. Oh, I'm quite glad.

452. Perry, working alongside you will be one of the great honors of my life.

453. I should have been clearer.

454. You're not going to be working with me. You're going to be me.

455. You're the new chief of medicine.

456. What? No.

457. I can't be you.

458. You're right. Just be you.

459. This particular world has passed me by.

460. You are the only one I trust to do better and try harder.

461. - Perry, I really don't think I— - J.D.,

462. those interns need somebody to do for them what I did for you.

463. Okay?

464. Dr. Park really wanted this job,

465. and his hatred for you is going to burn quite hot,

466. and that thought...

467. will keep me warm at night.

468. I have never been a boss.

469. I've never even run a lemonade stand.

470. But one thing's for sure, I can't do this all on my own.

471. You know, I read in The New York Times

472. that there's such a male loneliness epidemic,

473. that some guys are actually calling their friends at night to say good night.

474. That's crazy.

475. I know.

476. - Do you think it would be cool if— - Not a shot in the dark.

477. - Yeah, I don't wanna do it either. - Yeah.

478. Maybe once a week.

479. Wednesday it is.