1. Glendale, California.
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2. Whatever
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3. I went down to the beach and saw Kiki
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4. She was all like, "Ehh"
And I'm like, whatever
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5. Then this chick comes up to me
And she's all like
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6. "Hey, aren't you that dude?"
And I'm like, yeah, whatever
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7. So later, I'm at the pool hall
And this girl comes up
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8. And she's all like, "Aww"
And I'm like, yeah, whatever
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9. 'Cause this is my
United States of Whatever
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10. And this is my United States of Whatever
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11. And this is my United States of Whatever
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12. Lucas!
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13. And then it's 3 a.m.
I'm on the corner wearing my leather
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14. And this dude comes up and he's like
"Hey, punk!" I'm like, yeah, whatever
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15. Lucas.
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16. Then I'm throwing dice in the alley
Officer Leroy comes up
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17. He's like, "Hey, I thought I told you"
And I'm like, yeah, whatever
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18. One, two…
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19. Then up comes Zafo
I'm like, "Yo, Zafo. What's up?"
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20. He's like, "Nothin'"
And I'm like, "That's cool"
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21. 'Cause this is my
United States of Whatever
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22. And this is my United States of Whatever
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23. That's my agent, fellas.
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24. So what'd I do right this time?
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25. I've got bad news and bad news.
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26. Let's start with the bad.
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27. Very well.
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28. Lucas, between your string
of box-office bombs
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29. and reports
of your toxic skater boi behavior,
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30. this town's on the verge of saying,
"See you later, boi."
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31. You are one mistake away from movie jail!
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32. Good thing I've got
a get-out-of-jail-free card…
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33. this smile!
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34. You realize I can't see you, right?
We're on the phone, yeah?
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35. Lucas, you need to get your act together.
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36. My act is acting.
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37. You want goody-two-shoes,
buy 'em at a shoe store.
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38. Well, that's just the sort of thing that's
made you nigh unemployable, isn't it?
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39. We've got one offer for a lead role.
I suggest you take it!
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40. It's probably going to be
the last one for a while!
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41. Your flight to Toronto
departs in four hours.
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42. And remember, you must be professional
at every opportunity,
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43. or the stardom you love so much
will slip through your grasp.
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44. The stardom you love so much
will slip through your grasp.
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45. Whatever.
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46. 'Cause this is my
United States of Whatever
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47. And this is my United States of Whatever
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48. While we appreciate your passion,
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49. no one visits the set of a Lucas Lee movie
without explicit permission.
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50. Lucas Lee is here?
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51. Of course he's here.
What do you think our job is?
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52. Oh man!
Do you think we could have a selfie?
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53. Young Neil?
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54. Ramona! Love the new hair.
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55. Have a seat.
They're about to roll the camera.
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56. Not like a bowling ball.
The camera doesn't roll at all.
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57. You learn a lot on a movie set.
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58. Why does the set look
exactly like The Rockit?
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59. The director thinks sets
are more authentic than locations.
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60. They don't consult me on those decisions.
I'm just the writer.
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61. Of this movie?
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62. You wrote a movie?
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63. Yes.
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64. You wrote a Lucas Lee movie.
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65. Bring in first team!
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66. Let's go.
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67. Hey, Young Neil.
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68. Why is Envy Adams dressed like me?
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69. She's playing Ramona Flowers.
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70. Okay.
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71. Young Neil, what's the title
of this movie?
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72. Quiet on the set!
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73. Scott Pilgrim's Precious Little Life.
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74. Scene 12, take 1.
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75. Action!
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76. So are you a fan of Sex Bob-omb?
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77. No, I'm kind of seeing
someone in the band.
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78. That's crazy! I am too!
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79. So, I just want to make sure
I understand what's happening here.
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80. We're both dating Scott
at the same time and don't know it?
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81. Cut! Yes, our lead character is flawed.
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82. You wrote an entire script
about a world where Scott Pilgrim
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83. won the fight with Matthew Patel?
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84. Basically.
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85. Do you know where I can find Lucas Lee?
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86. Wait.
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87. Who is he playing in this?
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88. Did you know in the U.S.
these are called Mario Karts?
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89. That can't be true.
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90. How would you know that?
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91. I'm from the U.S.
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92. Well, they're definitely
called that in Japan.
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93. Pretty sure that's not true either.
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94. Agree to disagree.
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95. There's Lucas Lee's trailer.
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96. Thanks for the tour.
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97. Anytime.
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98. I know my way around the studio.
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99. I don't know where I am!
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100. Someone's outside.
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101. Who is it? I'm working on my lines.
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102. It's Ramona.
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103. Flowers.
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104. Oh my god!
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105. Ramona Flowers.
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106. Been a while.
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107. Freshman year, high school.
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108. We need to talk.
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109. I'm not sure we do.
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110. About Scott Pilgrim.
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111. I'm Scott Pilgrim.
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112. No, the real Scott Pilgrim.
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113. You saying I'm a fake Scott Pilgrim?
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114. No, the Scott Pilgrim
your character is based on.
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115. I didn't know this was a biopic.
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116. No, it's more like…
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117. Wait, do you even know
what this movie is about?
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118. Have you read the script?
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119. I read the title.
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120. Maybe you should read a little more.
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121. Well, as not fun as it's been to catch up,
I'm needed on set.
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122. We're about to shoot my first scene.
Gotta give the people what they want.
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123. Crank that Lucas Lee charm to 11.
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124. - I think you're a 12.
- Let's make out.
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125. Damn girl! What are you doing later?
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126. Are you hitting on me?
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127. Maybe I am, and maybe I am.
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128. Gross.
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129. My Lord!
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130. Ramona Flowers.
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131. Didn't expect to see you here.
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132. Seeking fame?
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133. Not my style.
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134. Still on the search for my old roommate,
what's-his-name.
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135. Any progress?
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136. Minimal.
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137. But hopefully that's about to change.
What brings you here?
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138. I heard they hired
a notorious heterosexual to play me.
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139. Needed to see this debacle up close.
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140. Action!
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141. I had a dream about that girl again.
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142. I didn't care the first time you told me.
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143. I care even less now.
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144. Cut! Let's go again.
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145. Hey, how was that? Gay enough? Any notes?
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146. Yeah. How about you build
a time machine, go back in time,
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147. and never audition for this part
in the first place.
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148. Am I being heckled?
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149. Who has the nerve to share
his opinions on the set of my film?
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150. Me. I have the nerve.
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151. You? What's your name?
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152. I'm Wallace Wells.
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153. Method, wow! Bold, confident, impressive.
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154. I love it!
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155. What's happening right now?
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156. Have you acted before?
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157. I considered it.
But I was worried I'd be too good at it.
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158. Wonderful! The part's yours.
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159. What about the other guy?
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160. He's already been escorted off set.
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161. What?
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162. Everybody, take five
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163. while we get our new Wallace
to hair and makeup.
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164. You heard him, everybody!
Take five, people.
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165. Hey, Young Neil.
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166. How'd you know exactly what Scott and I
said in bed that morning?
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167. The creative process is a mystery.
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168. Congrats on skipping
all the traditional steps
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169. to becoming a major movie star.
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170. Hey, if Lucas Lee can do it, why not?
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171. Speaking of which,
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172. I hear Mr. Lee is already
balls deep in a sweaty affair
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173. with someone on the production.
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174. You catch any gossip
on who the lucky lady might be?
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175. Not the mystery I'm trying to solve.
And on that note, wish me luck.
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176. Hey, you could always wish upon a star.
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177. The star being me.
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178. It's Ramona.
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179. I'm reading the script.
I'm busy. Come back later.
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180. I'm not falling for that.
I know you have a girl in there.
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181. Can we just get this over with?
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182. Fine. It's open.
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183. No girl.
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184. Did you know I'm in this?
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185. Yeah. You're the lead.
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186. No, there's a Lucas Lee character,
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187. and Scott tricks him
into grinding to death.
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188. I'd never fall for that.
What kind of idiot would write this?
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189. Who put that garbage can there?
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190. Wow, that's a fast garbage can!
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191. So this movie is what would've happened
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192. if Scott won the fight
against Matthew Patel?
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193. Yeah.
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194. Scott defeats all your exes,
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195. and the two of you
live happily ever after.
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196. Young Neil may not be the brightest,
but he has a vivid imagination.
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197. The ending is unrealistic.
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198. The Ramona Flowers I know
would be on to the next one.
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199. That was a long time ago.
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200. Feels like yesterday.
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201. Why are you here?
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202. Scott's not dead.
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203. Someone wants us to think he is.
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204. Who?
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205. Why?
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206. That's what I'm trying to find out.
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207. Is there anyone from my past
who would do something this messed up?
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208. You think I'd kidnap some Canadian loser
and fake his death?
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209. You willfully chose to join
a league of evil exes.
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210. I need to know how evil you really are.
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211. We're not really evil. It's just branding.
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212. I know your reputation.
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213. You're a quintessential Hollywood bad boy.
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214. You can't judge me.
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215. You're on a quest to find a guy
who was dating a high schooler.
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216. I'd never do anything that stupid.
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217. If I did, my career would be over.
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218. Lucas.
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219. My God!
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220. This just in.
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221. The actor playing Scott Pilgrim is dating
an actress playing a high schooler.
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222. That's actually hilarious!
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223. You're dating a 17-year-old?
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224. She's 31 in real life!
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225. An earthquake in Toronto?
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226. No, something worse.
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227. Paparazzi!
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228. Leave her alone!
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229. Go! I'll cover you.
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230. Lucas!
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231. We have you surrounded, actor scum!
Show yourself!
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232. Whatever.
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233. Lucas Lee versus the paparazzi.
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234. Fight!
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235. The stardom you love so much
will slip through your grasp.
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236. Need an assist?
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237. Why would you help me?
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238. What do you mean? I always helped you.
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239. Yeah.
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240. Until you left me
with nothing but a broken heart.
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241. And a broken board.
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242. That was the day I decided
who I was gonna be.
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243. The best skater,
the highest paid actor, the biggest star.
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244. That day made me who I am.
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245. So I guess, in a way,
I have to thank you, Ramona.
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246. That's really nice and all,
but we're out of time.
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247. Are you gonna let me help you or not?
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248. Lucas Lee, we know you're in there!
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249. All clear.
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250. I just got off the phone with my agent.
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251. I'm off the movie.
And she's dumping me as a client.
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252. Well, there goes my career.
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253. It's like I'm a show
that's no longer on the air.
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254. I'm a…
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255. Damn. I wish there was a word for it.
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256. Maybe this will all blow over.
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257. Nah, they're already testing
new actors to play Scott.
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258. By tomorrow morning,
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259. someone else will be cast in the role
of the guy you like more than me.
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260. And I'll be back to being nobody.
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261. That was your cue to say something, like,
"You were never nobody, Lucas."
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262. Well, you were definitely nobody,
but I still made out with you.
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263. Hey, I'll take it.
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264. Still think I kidnapped
the real Scott Pilgrim?
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265. No.
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266. I don't see you as a kidnapping guy.
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267. Or a portal guy.
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268. Good. Because I didn't.
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269. That was the night
of the Teen Sorcerer 4 premiere in L.A.
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270. I got blitzed
and puked on Winifred Hailey.
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271. You can find the photos online.
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272. Guess someone else
took your stupid boyfriend.
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273. He's not my boyfriend.
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274. Whoever did this kept that train
from leaving the station.
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275. Take care of yourself, Lucas.
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276. Whatever.
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277. Vegan powers.
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278. Vegan portals?
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279. Yes, hello.
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280. I'm Todd Ingram.
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281. I'm vegan, and I'm here to audition
for the part of Scott Pilgrim.
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282. Scott Pilgrim?
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283. You mean the lead role in this picture?
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284. Well, good luck.
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285. Watch out, guys. Vegan coming through.
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