Schmigadoon! 2x4

1. Josh and Mel have no doubt

2. That it's time for getting out

3. Once the verdict was read To the bridge they both fled

4. But will they reach the other side?

5. Perfect. Okay.

6. You know what? I hated that car anyway. We can walk.

7. - All right. We're walking. - Okay.

8. Leaving so soon?

9. - Yes. Thank you for everything. - Yeah.

10. - But you were having so much fun. - Fun? Fun?

11. No, Mel, please do not engage with the narrator.

12. I'll tell you what's fun.

13. Schmigadoon. Schmigadoon was fun.

14. There were pretty dresses

15. and tap-dancing children

16. and romantic tunnel of love rides.

17. Really?

18. And everybody was bright and carefree and happy.

19. But this place? I hate to break it to you, this place is not fun.

20. I don't know.

21. Looked like you were having a really good time up on that stage at the club.

22. Yeah, okay sure. That was a bit of an adrenaline rush.

23. Finding clues.

24. And all that detective work.

25. I only did all that

26. because Josh's life was in danger.

27. But now he's safe, so we are getting the hell out of here!

28. Bye.

29. Okay. Bye then.

30. Keep in touch.

31. We won't.

32. No.

33. And then Josh and Melissa realized they were still in Schmicago. Wah-wah.

34. You actually thought that was a happy ending?

35. You get acquitted for a murder you didn't commit and you get to go home?

36. - Yeah, we were pretty happy about that. - How is that not a happy ending?

37. You two have a lot to learn about happiness.

38. Really? Okay.

39. - Since you're so all-knowing and wise... - Thank you.

40. why don't you tell us what we need to do to get out of here?

41. - You really wanna know? - Yes!

42. You need to...

43. figure it out for yourself!

44. Okay, that's not nice.

45. Thought that you were clever? You'll be here forever

46. Stuck here in

47. Schmicago

48. You're not helpful!

49. You're not either.

50. What is that supposed to mean?

51. What do we do now?

52. - I don't know. - I am so sorry.

53. This is all my fault. It was my idea to come here.

54. No, you were just trying to help,

55. and I don't even know if I can be helped.

56. Mel, don't say that.

57. It's not you. Literally everyone here is unhappy.

58. Wait.

59. - Maybe that's it. - What?

60. Maybe we couldn't cross because we don't just need a happy ending for us.

61. Maybe we need one for everybody.

62. The narrator just said we weren't being helpful.

63. Maybe that's a clue.

64. Maybe we're supposed to help the other people here get happy.

65. Yes, that's gotta be it.

66. But how do we make a happy ending for everybody

67. when we can't even make one for ourselves?

68. What even is happiness?

69. And how are we supposed to be the experts?

70. - Mel, it's— - No, no. I'm serious.

71. We made all these choices, right?

72. Like going to med school, getting married, moving to the suburbs,

73. because we thought they'd make us happy. But they didn't.

74. Where did we go wrong? Where did everyone here go wrong?

75. I don't think we went wrong. It's just— I don't know. Life is hard.

76. Why?

77. Why does it have to be so hard? Why can't it just be easier?

78. I do not have an answer for that question.

79. Can't help but think the key here is Dooley.

80. Dooley?

81. It's the butcher and Jenny's father.

82. He thinks getting revenge will make him happy,

83. but maybe what he really needs is to reunite with Jenny,

84. so that he can explain he's innocent, and she can have a father back in her life.

85. I—

86. That would make Dooley happy, which would make Codwell happy,

87. and it would make Jenny happy, and it would make Kratt sad,

88. which would make everybody happy.

89. - See? Boom. Happy ending. - Right.

90. - But what if it's even bigger than this? - Like what?

91. Maybe we have to kill baby Hitler.

92. - What? - Kill baby Hitler.

93. What year do you think this would even be?

94. I don't know. It's very unclear.

95. We're not gonna kill anyone, okay? We just got you outta jail.

96. I know. I'm just brainstorming.

97. - Yes. You know what? I appreciate that. - And it co—

98. But I think this is probably more about the people that we already met here.

99. Yeah, sure.

100. Do either of you lovers have a cigarette?

101. Nope. We still don't smoke.

102. You are a pip.

103. There must be one around here somewhere.

104. - What? - Go talk to her.

105. - What do I say? - Something about her father.

106. - Okay, yeah. - You got it.

107. Hey, Jenny, this is a funny story.

108. Guess who I bumped into the other day?

109. Your father.

110. That's very strange.

111. I don't actually have a father.

112. Look, I know you might have some issues—

113. Issues?

114. My father murdered my mother.

115. Then he went to prison, I went to an orphanage,

116. and I've had to fend for myself ever since.

117. Do you have any idea what that's been like for me?

118. Do you?

119. I'm so sorry, Jenny.

120. And I can't imagine the kind of pain you've suffered.

121. But what if your dad didn't kill your mom?

122. What if he's been innocent this whole time and desperately missing you?

123. Melissa! Drop it.

124. I don't want anything to do with my father.

125. And as far as I'm concerned, he's dead.

126. Got it?

127. Ta-da!

128. You look fabulous. So much better than having hair, darling.

129. Hair.

130. Hey, Jenny, how would you like to go somewhere fabulous?

131. I'm already on my way.

132. I got this.

133. How marvelous. What is this place?

134. You think a bunch of hippies are gonna help?

135. We wanted Jenny to give her father a chance, right?

136. And the tribe is all about love and forgiveness and stuff.

137. I'm just trying things.

138. - This is all so positively bohemian. - Oh, yeah.

139. Yes, right. I do wanna warn you, they can be a little cold to newcomers.

140. - Hello! - Hi, friend!

141. Welcome to the Tribe.

142. Welcome to me.

143. Well, well, well. The prodigal son has returned.

144. - Someone write that down. - On it!

145. Welcome back, Josh.

146. Thanks, guys.

147. And welcome also to Josh's old lady, Melissa.

148. - Meliss— - It's fine— I don—

149. No, I don't need it.

150. And a new face.

151. Jenny. Welcome.

152. I'm Topher.

153. You're all here just in time for today's tribal meeting.

154. - Okay. - Oh, boy.

155. Tribal meeting!

156. Tribal meeting!

157. - Yeah. All right. - Okay. Don't do that.

158. First off, let's review the granola policy.

159. It's "Take a scoop, leave a scoop."

160. - Everybody dig? - I'll remember that.

161. - Wow. - All right. Who wants a parable?

162. Me, me, me.

163. Okay, all I need is a suggestion.

164. Could be a person, a place, an everyday object you'd find around the house.

165. - Topher! - Junkyard!

166. Flower!

167. - Father! - I heard "father."

168. Okay. The word is "father."

169. Let's see.

170. This is a story about our father up in heaven—

171. Sorry. I'm—

172. And I'm just riffing here, but what if it was actually just a normal dad?

173. Okay, sure.

174. A normal father was traveling with his eldest son—

175. Just a pitch. Maybe it's his daughter.

176. Okay, fine.

177. He was traveling with his daughter—

178. - You know what? - No more suggestions, okay?

179. - Sorry. - Okay.

180. He was traveling with his eldest daughter, and they came upon a village—

181. Sorry, just one last thing.

182. But what if the dad's not actually with his daughter?

183. Right, right. Yeah, and

184. maybe something really bad happened

185. and they've been apart for a long time.

186. - Why are you hassling me? - What?

187. Criticizing me?

188. What makes you think That you should be advising me?

189. - No, no. We're not doing that. - You know what?

190. You guys just do it

191. Since you seem to think you can Do it better than me

192. Go ahead, I'm done

193. I'm done

194. - Really? Is he— - Yeah. It's—

195. Should we...

196. Okay.

197. Yay!

198. Mel.

199. No.

200. Okay, this is a story about—

201. It's a song.

202. - Can you do it? - This was your idea.

203. Right, but you're better at the singing, so.

204. Everyone here hates me.

205. - Can you please just— - Just do it!

206. Here's a little ditty About Pretty Penny

207. Left home for the city She was one of many

208. Got letters by the sack From her lonely father

209. But did she write him back? No, she didn't bother

210. Got one last letter And the letter said

211. "We're sorry to inform you That your father's dead"

212. Dead, dead, dead, dead Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead

213. So

214. Talk to Daddy. Talk, talk to Daddy

215. He will rock you when you are sad

216. He isn't ideal, but you need to heal

217. So talk to Daddy Talk, talk to Daddy now

218. Talk to Daddy Talk, talk to Daddy

219. Talk to Daddy. Talk, talk to Daddy now

220. Here is what I know about Loco Lenny

221. He was low on the dough Well, he hadn't any

222. His wealthy pa said "I'll help you, sonny"

223. But Lenny said "Nah, I don't need your money"

224. A few months passed He was passed out in the gutter

225. You got real close You could hear him mutter

226. Mutter, mutter, mutter, mutter

227. Mutter, mutter, mutter, mutter "Father"

228. So

229. Talk to Daddy. Talk, talk to Daddy

230. He will rock you when you are sad

231. He left you alone but maybe he's grown

232. So talk to Daddy. Talk, talk to Daddy

233. Odds are you are gonna outlive him

234. So you really oughta forgive him

235. There's a chance that he's homicidal

236. But the bond between you is vital

237. Odds are you are gonna outlive him

238. So you really oughta forgive him

239. There's a chance that he's homicidal

240. But the bond between you is vital

241. - Dooby, dooby, dooby, dooby - Talk to Daddy

242. - Dooby, dooby, dooby, dooby - Talk to Daddy

243. Daddy, daddy, daddy

244. - Talk - Daddy

245. Talk, talk, talk, talk

246. Talk to Daddy. Talk, talk to Daddy

247. He will rock you when you are sad

248. He may be insane, but you are in pain

249. So talk to Daddy Talk, talk to Daddy now!

250. Now!

251. Now!

252. Now!

253. I'm gonna go call my dad right now.

254. Me too.

255. Mine changed his number.

256. Jenny, you think there's anybody you should talk to now?

257. Yes,

258. the angry boy in that tent.

259. Once again,

260. Josh and Melissa have failed in their quest.

261. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother.

262. Nobody asked you to.

263. I am just doing my job!

264. Now, let's spend a little time with a younger, much more appealing couple.

265. - Hey! - And let's make it night.

266. Things are much more romantic at night.

267. Thank you!

268. Hi.

269. Hi.

270. - May I join you? - Of course.

271. Thank you.

272. I just adore your little commune you have going here.

273. It's all so free-spirited and fabulous.

274. The dirty bare feet and the haphazardly-applied face paint,

275. it's just too-too.

276. And everyone here simply adores you.

277. I can hardly blame them, of course.

278. Yeah, I guess.

279. - What? - I don't know. It's just—

280. Sometimes it feels so phony,

281. like they're more into the idea of me than the actual me.

282. I know what you mean.

283. I sometimes get that same feeling when I perform at the club.

284. I love it, don't get me wrong,

285. but sometimes I wonder if I'm maybe always performing.

286. And then, if I am, where does the girl on stage stop and where do I begin?

287. - I'm sorry. I'm rambling. - No, don't be sorry.

288. You're making a lot of sense.

289. I wonder about the same thing.

290. It's strange because I know that we just met,

291. and, if I'm honest, sweet guys like you really aren't my type.

292. But...

293. I don't know,

294. I get this feeling like I... can just be myself around you.

295. I feel the same way. It's, I don't know, natural.

296. - You know what I mean? - I do.

297. I've lived my life out loud

298. Constantly playing to the crowd

299. Knowing inside it was all a lie

300. Then I found you

301. I've gone from shore to shore

302. Spurred by a thirst for something more

303. Yearning for love, but I wondered why

304. Then I found you

305. I can't tell you what you're feeling

306. I can't tell just what you feel

307. But touch my hand and I am reeling

308. Feels like this

309. Is something real

310. I don't wanna be cured

311. Don't want you to save me 'Cause that's absurd

312. I just want your heart next to mine

313. That's all I need

314. Used to look up above

315. For something to guide me

316. Something to love

317. But in your eyes, I see the divine

318. That's all I need

319. I can't tell you what you're feeling

320. I can't tell just what you feel

321. But touch my hand And I am reeling

322. Feels like this

323. Is something real

324. Something real

325. Something real

326. Did we make that happen?

327. I think we might have made that happen.

328. Wait, is love the key to the happy ending?

329. - Yeah, maybe that's it. More romance. - Yeah.

330. Okay. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

331. We should set up Ronnie and Jared.

332. - Wa— Who? - Yeah.

333. The two guys from the dance break. They've got a very natural chemistry.

334. Oh, them. No, no. I'm talking about Dooley and Miss Codwell.

335. Dooley?

336. Rememb— The butcher and the orphanage lady.

337. Okay.

338. Because maybe if we redirect Dooley toward romance

339. and away from violent revenge

340. that'll lead to a happy ending.

341. Right. That probably makes more sense.

342. Yeah, because I'm pretty sure Ronnie and Jared

343. are currently having sex in that old refrigerator.

344. - Love is in the air. - Yeah.

345. Yeah, it does that.

346. - Closed. Out of meat. - It's 9:00 a.m.

347. Hi, Mr. Blight. How's it going?

348. The world is crawling with the maggots of humanity's failure.

349. No light can shine through the layers of evil.

350. Weather's pretty good.

351. Yeah. If it's good, it's good.

352. - Any news of Jenny? - Yeah, Jenny's fine.

353. She's great, actually.

354. Right.

355. Good.

356. We actually wanted to talk to you

357. about someone else who is interested in you.

358. - The police? - No. No, no.

359. Interested in you romantically.

360. A woman.

361. - A woman? - Come on, man.

362. Look at— You're single.

363. You've— You got your own business.

364. - We gotta get you back out there. - Yeah. You know what?

365. We think it might be good for you, actually, to have dinner with Miss Codwell

366. from next door.

367. No woman would wanna have dinner with me.

368. Look at me!

369. No, I'm sure you'll clean up great.

370. Right, Josh?

371. Right, Josh?

372. Sure.

373. Miss Codwell, you look lovely tonight.

374. Dooley, doesn't she look lovely?

375. I brought my cleaver.

376. Great.

377. It's lovely, it is. So shiny. So... big.

378. And Miss Codwell, how was your day?

379. Horrible. Little blighters won't leave me alone.

380. It's always, "We're hungry. We're tired. Me hair's falling out."

381. It's just enough!

382. My hair's always falling out.

383. Don't hear me complaining.

384. Exactly. Thank you.

385. Maybe feed them, though. If they're hungry.

386. Oh, gosh, that reminds me.

387. - Should we eat our food, everyone? - Yes. Yes, we should.

388. - Look at this. Hello. Gorgeous. - Yeah. All right.

389. I love me a man with a healthy appetite.

390. Here, let me help you with that.

391. Thanks very much.

392. I can't remember the last time someone...

393. cut my meat for me.

394. It's a wonderful knife.

395. You handle it well.

396. I'll drink to that!

397. Why are they sort of cute?

398. I can't believe we did it.

399. - It feels good. - Yeah, it does.

400. I had a really nice night with you.

401. Yeah?

402. Me too.

403. Thank you, sir, for dinner.

404. And for lending me the knife.

405. You can keep it.

406. I have plenty.

407. Oh, my. Thank you.

408. Would you like to come inside for a nightcap, sir?

409. - Inside? - Just for a drink.

410. Orphans are locked in their crates for the night, but I can wake 'em up.

411. I've trained little Tammy to tend bar.

412. Yeah. All right. Thanks.

413. And the big market across town buys up all the meat from the supplier,

414. so there's nothing left for my shop.

415. Nothing I can do about it neither.

416. That's just awful. I'll never buy from them again.

417. That's all right.

418. I'm sure you've got your hands full feeding all these orphans.

419. Horrible creatures, the lot of 'em. And they never thank me neither.

420. That's a shame.

421. They've taken to these awful pranks.

422. They switch my gin to water.

423. They throw up in me shoes.

424. They're dying of pneumonia.

425. - Pests! - Vermin!

426. I'd get rid of the lot of 'em if I could.

427. Disgusting!

428. Get out! Get out! Get out!

429. You've got too many orphans. I've got too little meat.

430. Life is just a pile of shit.

431. And we all have to slip about on it until we fall, and everybody laughs.

432. Indeed, me dear.

433. What if, let's say, I could get rid of some of the orphans,

434. and you could get some meat at the same time?

435. What exactly are you suggesting?

436. Mr. Blight, Mr. Blight

437. You are in for such a treat

438. I have got some little doves

439. Darling sprouts, hereabouts

440. That I'd love for you to meat

441. Step right up, sir. Welcome to Blight's Butcher Shop.

442. What can we get for you today?

443. Have you any ham?

444. Courtesy of Sam

445. How about veal?

446. Yes, thanks to Camille

447. - Kidney? - Sydney

448. - Belly? - Kelly

449. - Lamb? - That's Pam

450. With some jam or mint jelly

451. I'd love some ground beef

452. Why then, sir, you're in luck

453. Which do you prefer? We've got Patty or Chuck

454. - Have you any mutton? - That would be Sutton

455. - Perhaps some foie gras? - Voilà, c'est Francois

456. - Bologna? - Tony

457. - Salami? - Tommy

458. And we've also got Reuben If you like pastrami

459. - But do you have mincemeat? - Well, since meat is sparse

460. We've got Vince meat instead Sliced right off of his a—

461. Miss Codwell, please! There are children present.

462. Not for long.

463. No, because we're gonna kill them and sell them as meat.

464. Hey!

465. Ain't got no dad

466. Ain't got no mum

467. But are they sad?

468. Or are they glum?

469. No, they confront a world That's vile and mean

470. With the sweetest smiles You've ever seen

471. Oh, they're good enough to eat

472. Delicious!

473. - A job well-done - A job well-done

474. - Is, oh, so rare - Is, oh, so rare

475. - When sun to sun - When sun to sun

476. - The cupboard's bare - So bare

477. Before these darlings get much thinner

478. I think we ought to make them dinner

479. Ooh, they're good enough to eat

480. - Supper time! - Careful! Could take an eye out.

481. We may not be respectable

482. But we are so delectable

483. Don't mean to be presumptuous

484. But truth is, we are scrumptious

485. Cakes and candies ain't half as sweet

486. Ooh, we're good enough to eat

487. - Ain't got no dad - We may not be respectable

488. - Ain't got no mum - But we are so delectable

489. - But are they sad? - Don't mean to be presumptuous

490. - Or are they glum? So glum - But truth is, we are scrumptious

491. No, they confront a world That's vile and mean

492. With the sweetest smiles You've ever seen

493. Ooh, they're good enough to eat

494. - When times is hard - When times is hard

495. - You must make do - You must make do

496. - All out of lard? - All out of lard?

497. - Try Mary Lou - And try her brother too

498. Yes, when you lack a key ingredient

499. Substitutes become expedient

500. Ooh, they're good enough

501. Though they're kinda tough

502. Ooh, they're good enough to eat

503. Enough to eat

504. Eat, darn ya, eat

505. Look at them.

506. They're all so happy.

507. Okay, I don't wanna get ahead of ourselves here,

508. but this is really starting to feel like a happy ending.

509. We did good.

510. Dead, dead, dead, dead Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead

511. So... Talk to Daddy

512. Talk, talk to Daddy

513. He will rock you when you are sad

514. He isn't ideal, but you need to heal

515. So talk to Daddy Talk, talk to Daddy now

516. Talk to Daddy. Talk, talk to Daddy

517. Now

518. Here is what I know about Loco Lenny

519. He was low on the dough— Well, he hadn't any

520. His wealthy pa said "I'll help you, sonny"

521. But Lenny said, "Nah I don't need your money"

522. A few months passed He was passed out in the gutter

523. You got real close You could hear him mutter

524. Mutter, mutter, mutter, mutter

525. Mutter, mutter, mutter, mutter "Father"

526. So

527. Talk to Daddy. Talk, talk to Daddy

528. He will rock you when you are sad

529. He left you alone but maybe he's grown

530. So talk to Daddy

531. Talk, talk to Daddy

532. Odds are you are gonna outlive him

533. So you really oughta forgive him

534. There's a chance that he's homicidal

535. But the bond between you is vital

536. Odds are you are gonna outlive him

537. So you really oughta forgive him

538. There's a chance that he's homicidal

539. But the bond between you is vital

540. - Dooby, dooby, dooby, dooby - Talk to Daddy