Schmigadoon! 2x3

1. Being wanted is nice

2. Well, unless it comes with a price

3. Josh escaped on the bus A mistake? Please discuss

4. And Melissa's found a clue

5. Scoob-a-dee-doo

6. Bobby, guess what?

7. I found Elsie's datebook. The dead showgirl.

8. Yeah. I found it in her dressing room after you told me to snoop around.

9. Anyway, she wrote a street address down in her datebook.

10. Should I go to the address? I should go to the address, right?

11. Maybe take a look at this first.

12. Wait. Why is he wanted?

13. Your lover, my client, "Josh" for short,

14. has decided to add a few hurdles to my agility course by breaking out of jail.

15. What? Why would he do that? Where is he? Can you find him?

16. There's very little I can't do.

17. Besides bore people or look bad in literally any kind of suit.

18. Don't worry. I'll track him down before the trial tomorrow.

19. Oh, no. Are you emotional, or do you have something contagious?

20. I'd prefer the latter.

21. I'm sorry.

22. Here, here.

23. I mean— There, there.

24. I'm not the best at consolation.

25. I was raised by cold birthday check writers.

26. Just— Everything has been such a struggle the past couple years.

27. And now we're here, and now this.

28. I feel like I should say something comforting here.

29. But the truth is, your hubby really hurt himself with this bonehead jailbreak.

30. Obviously, I'm a human miracle,

31. but now it's gonna be a lot harder for me to get him exonerated.

32. I wish there was something I could do to help.

33. There is. Follow that clue. Find the real killer. It may be his only chance.

34. I'll do my best. I just— I really hope Josh is okay.

35. Good morning, Josh-shine.

36. Fresh juice? Beads?

37. Flowers for your hair?

38. My hair?

39. Oh, my God. I've had recurring dreams about this.

40. What year is this supposed to be?

41. Where am I?

42. Wait, is this a junkyard?

43. One man's junkyard is another man's utopia.

44. Topher?

45. Welcome, Josh, to our commune, our gathering place, our group home.

46. Yeah, my grandma died in one of those.

47. So what is going on? Are we safe here? Are the cops after us?

48. Man, the cops are always after us.

49. The profession attracts and rewards bullies.

50. You seem worried, Josh.

51. Aren't you? We broke out of jail.

52. Melissa's probably freaking out.

53. It makes me look guilty as hell.

54. What was I thinking getting on that bus?

55. I'm getting the vibe that you feel burdened, Josh. By a lot. Is that true?

56. To be honest, yes.

57. Life has been kinda hard lately. At work, at home.

58. Josh, you are hung up, strung out, wound up.

59. You need to turn on, tune in, and drop out.

60. It's time for a tribal initiation.

61. No, thank you.

62. - I'm not really much of a joiner. - Don't worry.

63. It's just a celebration of being alive and being together.

64. Could you be more specific?

65. Flooby wabba noody Rizzo, Cha Cha, Doody

66. Flooby nooby wicky Zuko 'n Kenickie

67. Join in the cosmic cantata

68. Open your soul to a world that's new

69. It's time to revel in the revelation Pay tribute to the tribulation

70. The universe believes in you

71. - And we do too! - Great, but—

72. There's poverty, war, and injustice

73. Bigotry, hatred, and greed and fear

74. Too many people dying in the street Fighting for a bite to eat

75. The answer is crystal clear

76. So lend an ear!

77. Everyone's gotta get naked

78. - I'm sorry. What now? - Get back to the way we were born

79. This is mandatory?

80. The only solution A love revolution

81. Let's get back to the way

82. Back to the day

83. Back to the way we were born

84. Gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta Gotta get naked

85. We're all taking our clothes off

86. Every single one of us

87. But what if we're good With our clothes on?

88. You'd make an exception then, no doubt

89. No! It's time for every chick and dude

90. - To get a nude attitude - Get a nude attitude

91. - We're gonna let it all hang out - Let it all hang out

92. - Even our wieners! - What?

93. - Everyone's gotta get naked - Ooh wah, we're getting naked

94. - Get back to the way we were born - Ooh, ooh wah

95. Back to the day we were born

96. - The only solution - Or not.

97. A love revolution

98. Let's get back to the way

99. Back to the day

100. Back to the way we were born

101. Hey. What if we meet in the middle and say clothing optional?

102. Gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta Gotta get naked

103. - Gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta get naked - Oh, flowers don't wear pants

104. - Gotta get naked - So why should we? Why should we?

105. - Yeah, yeah, yeah - Gotta get naked

106. Gotta get naked

107. No.

108. I'm seeing a lot of moles I'm worried about.

109. Welcome to Quick Street. The seedier side of Schmicago.

110. Home to scoundrels, wastrels,

111. and the occasional nosy bitch who can't mind her own business.

112. Off with ya, chatterin' vermin. Can't you keep yourselves occupied?

113. But we want to learn how to spell and add.

114. Yeah? Well, I want massive knockers

115. and to fill up me tub with French soap bubbles instead of bathtub gin,

116. but we ain't the steerers of the ship, is we?

117. - Hey! - Wow.

118. Very different, yet somehow still mean.

119. Hi there. I'm looking for—

120. Good day, miss

121. Lookin' pretty Lookin' lonely

122. Looks like you could use a child Or two, or three

123. For a very modest fee

124. If by any chance you're searchin' For an urchin

125. I've got your merchandise right here But I'll be clear

126. Tell you straight They're not great

127. And they don't appreciate They're possibly the worst brats in town

128. So, you're selling the orphans?

129. And me

130. I'm just a woman with needs of me own

131. Who'd like to do some misdeeds of me own

132. With a certain someone

133. But though I am A woman who's never enjoyed

134. That thing what as A mother gets you employed

135. Somehow I seem to have become one

136. And I'm surrounded by these lambs Little tykes

137. Girls with dolls Little boys with little balls

138. How I love these darling tots

139. Precious imps Take a glimpse

140. Truth is I got lots and lots

141. Oh, sure This one here may have some lice

142. This one plays dice This one eats mice

143. Caught him twice Thrice

144. Truth is they're not very nice

145. Not at all worth the price

146. So if you take my advice

147. You'll stay away from The worst brats in town

148. Yes. I'm sorry. I'm not here for an orphan.

149. Are you sure? Because at your age, it's either cats or plants,

150. and neither of them will take care of you when you're dying.

151. No, I'm looking for this address: 17 Quick Street.

152. Course you are.

153. It's where someone very special lives.

154. Someone very nice.

155. Dooley Blight, the butcher.

156. He could portion my skirt steak any day. That's his shop right there.

157. Just don't you try anything.

158. If you do, I'll wring your neck till you breathe no more.

159. I'm joking.

160. Yes, well, thank you.

161. I hate me lot in life.

162. And, Josh, with the completion of this smiley face upon thy cheek,

163. you are now officially in the tribe.

164. - Groovy. - Is something wrong?

165. I could try painting it again.

166. - Can never get the eyes right. - No. I just—

167. This whole scene with the face painting, and the getting naked,

168. and the closeness to other humans, it's not really my thing.

169. Our tribe is about more than just that, Josh. We also fight social injustice.

170. Like taking on Octavius Kratt and his evil power company.

171. Boo!

172. - Octavius Kratt? - He's bad news.

173. - Polluting the environment. - Man!

174. Subjecting his employees to horrible working conditions.

175. - Cold! - Okay.

176. Paying pennies while he lives like a king.

177. Busted!

178. But it's never easy trying to fight the power, Josh.

179. We have been getting naked and telling parables for months,

180. but for some reason, nothing has changed.

181. Well, there's probably more effective ways to protest.

182. Sounds like someone needs a lesson in the power of parables.

183. - I assure you, I do not. - And the value of community.

184. - The lamb. - Yay!

185. The lamb! The lamb! The lamb without a flock!

186. - What's happening right now? - The lamb! The lamb!

187. The lamb without a flock!

188. - The lamb! The lamb without a flock! - Thank you. Thank you so much.

189. There once was a little lamb...

190. who was caged away from other sheep by a cruel shepherd.

191. I do not want to be alone.

192. Oh, no. I already hate this.

193. Then one day,

194. a kind shepherd happened to cross this lonely lamb and took pity on him.

195. The kind shepherd invited the lonely lamb back to his flock.

196. Lambie, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

197. - Okay. - But soon,

198. the cruel shepherd realized his lamb was missing.

199. One hippopotamus, two hippopotamus—

200. Hey! Wait a minute.

201. Meanwhile, the lonely lamb was thriving amongst his new flock.

202. Made it, Ma! Top of the world!

203. So, when the cruel shepherd came to collect his missing ward,

204. the kind shepherd said to him...

205. You're out!

206. And so, as the little lamb decided to stay with his new flock,

207. a lesson was learned about the power and joy to be found in community.

208. You're a good man, see?

209. Is that a crook in your pocket or are you just happy to herd me?

210. Now that's the most ridiculous parable I ever heard.

211. Well, now I'm gonna blow my brains out.

212. So, what'd you think?

213. You really did it.

214. So much energy.

215. - The impressions... - Yeah?

216. truly in the ballpark.

217. But, to be honest, I'm actually more concerned about Melissa.

218. I mean, she's gotta be worried about me, if I'm okay.

219. You guys are great, but I gotta go find her.

220. Josh.

221. You're a wanted man. You can't go anywhere.

222. Let's let one of the tribe seek her out and deliver the good news.

223. - Alex. - Oh, happy day!

224. Everything is gonna be all right, man.

225. And I've got the perfect way to lift your spirits.

226. Who wants to get naked again?

227. Hello.

228. You don't know me.

229. Although, well, I kind of know you— Or another version of you.

230. Morning, ma'am Feeling hungry?

231. - Want a sausage? - No.

232. Can I offer you a link? Or two? Or three?

233. For a very modest fee

234. I confess it's mostly filler From the miller

235. Not much to grill or bake or fry

236. Wonder why It's my supply

237. The meat they mete out's tough and dry

238. Yes, these are probably The worst brats in town

239. So, no, thank you. I'm Melissa.

240. And I'm actually here not for meat, but because— Well, so—

241. There's a friend of a friend. Or— No.

242. - There's a late friend of my alive— - Yes. Get to the point.

243. My friend had a roommate named Elsie, and now Elsie's dead.

244. And your address was in her datebook.

245. So, I'm just here to see if you knew her, or didn't, or—

246. or anything you do know, but—

247. Either way, I—

248. I would love it if you put down the cleaver while you had a chat with me.

249. Is that okay to ask?

250. Elsie's dead, you say?

251. Yes. I'm sorry.

252. Was she your girlfriend or your daughter? Your—

253. Elsie is...

254. was my daughter's roommate.

255. Is your daughter Jenny?

256. Elsie was kind to me.

257. She'd check in on occasion and tell me how my Jenny was doing.

258. Why can't you check in on Jenny yourself?

259. I have my reasons.

260. It's not a happy story.

261. There was a butcher Who had a wife and daughter

262. And a rich man who led them all Like lambs to the slaughter

263. He tried to take the butcher's wife

264. When she refused, he took her life

265. Blamed the butcher for the crime And while he was doing time

266. His daughter came of age

267. Forced to perform upon the stage

268. And to be clear

269. In this scenario

270. The butcher is me

271. But the rich man truly Will pay for his sins

272. And this time Dooley will be the one who wins

273. For there's a debt That has yet to be repaid

274. So my course is set for The blood and the blade

275. And the death, sweet death That will bring relief

276. From the pain and the passion And the guilt and the grief

277. I'll heed the call

278. Kill them all

279. Kill them all

280. First of all, oh, no.

281. But also, I'm so sorry all of that happened to you, Mr. Blight.

282. They'll be sorry soon for what they did to my wife, Daisy.

283. The rich man and all who abetted his deeds.

284. So, the rich man. Would that be Octavius Kratt?

285. You know him?

286. Oh, my gosh.

287. If Kratt killed your wife, I bet he killed Elsie too.

288. He was at the club that night. We sat at his table.

289. I have to tell the police.

290. The police?

291. Good luck with getting them to care. Kratt's got his foul claws in all of them.

292. All the more reason for my cleaver to dispense justice.

293. I shall call this my justice cleaver.

294. That's a good name.

295. Listen, Mr. Blight, I can't help you with your revenge plans and I—

296. I absolutely do not condone "killing them all."

297. I just think maybe there are other steps you could take

298. before you go full Leatherface.

299. Like, maybe you can reach out to Jenny. Tell her the truth.

300. And let her see me as I am now?

301. Broken, defeated, a ghost of the man I once was.

302. No.

303. I could not bear the inevitable rejection.

304. Jenny has no idea I'm out of prison and back in town. And she must never know.

305. Got it.

306. Well, I'll keep an eye on her for you anyway.

307. You'd do that for me?

308. Why?

309. Let's just say you remind me of an old friend.

310. But, in the meantime, let's just not— you kill anyone, okay?

311. At least until I come back soon. Which I will.

312. As you were with your brisket—

313. Holy shit!

314. You gotta lubricate those hinges.

315. Hi, there. Are you Melissa?

316. Yes.

317. I bring a message from Josh—

318. Wait. Josh? Where is he?

319. - He wants you to know he's doing fine— - Where is he? I need to see him.

320. With all due respect,

321. I think it would be a lot "groovier" if you stayed here.

322. I don't think so, birthday clown allergic to bras.

323. You're taking me to him now.

324. Man. I don't know what's in this bread,

325. but I'm feeling strangely fine about everything.

326. - That's the magic of the tribe, Josh. - And of what Michael put in the bread.

327. - And of what Michael put in the bread. - Who? Me?

328. Hello.

329. Of course.

330. Hey, Mel. You made it.

331. Well, this is a new look for you.

332. The tribe initiated me. I've got hair now. It's real.

333. Yeah, well I'm very happy for you and your new hair.

334. And I'm happy you're safe.

335. 'Cause what the hell were you thinking? You broke out of jail?

336. Okay, yes. That was a big mistake.

337. But they all really wanted me to do it.

338. So I kinda got caught up in the moment.

339. I mean, hippies can be very persuasive.

340. Okay. Just so you know.

341. I've been out there trying to figure out who really killed Elsie.

342. - Yeah. - While you've been getting high

343. with the flower people. I mean— Did I miss the orgy, dude?

344. No.

345. I mean, yes.

346. But it wasn't really an orgy. Just everybody getting naked.

347. But it was more like locker room naked.

348. - You know, it's... - I'm sorry. I screwed up.

349. But I'm wide awake now.

350. I am aware of what's at stake.

351. I won't go rogue again. Deal?

352. - Okay, yeah. Whatever. All right. - Yeah. You're the best.

353. Who's the square?

354. Hey, everybody.

355. I want to introduce you to my old lady, Melissa.

356. Well, not old.

357. Hi there.

358. Thank you all for taking care of Josh, my old man.

359. Okay. I just, you know— I'm definitely— I'm not square.

360. - Try some of our magical bread. - No, thank you.

361. - I'm good on magic bread. - I'll have some.

362. - No. You're good. - No.

363. I'm not gonna have any.

364. It's not 'cause I'm not cool, okay? I'm very cool.

365. You know what? Actually. Idea.

366. Talk about lettin' it all hang out, right?

367. Okay. You know.

368. Oh, yeah. I'm doing it. Yeah.

369. Yeah! Guess what?

370. And that was a $68 Wacoal underwire.

371. But you know what? Sometimes you just gotta say, "heck it."

372. Am I right? Yes.

373. Who's with me? She is, right?

374. - You. - Yeah.

375. Talk about a drag. And I don't mean the kind you take off joints.

376. You know what? I don't even care that you guys don't like me. Right?

377. 'Cause it's not high school. And I don't need to be part of your dumb club.

378. I just came to get my husband,

379. so he can turn himself in to the police before his big day in court tomorrow.

380. Right, Josh?

381. That's right. Sorry, everybody.

382. Duty calls.

383. - We're gonna miss you, man. - Oh, man.

384. Good luck in court, Josh.

385. Thanks, Topher.

386. I hope you find that "doorway to where."

387. - Oh, brother. I love you. - I love you.

388. - Oh, man, I love you. - That's good.

389. I think that's a good long hug.

390. Come on.

391. Man.

392. Bye, everybody.

393. - Thanks again so much for the company. - Bye, Josh.

394. And the drugs.

395. - Okay. - Bye.

396. - Nope. Hey. This way. - We're going this way.

397. Of course he did it.

398. He just waltzes into town and suddenly the blood of a showgirl is on his hands?

399. Exactly. Only a guilty man would break out of prison.

400. Jazz.

401. Okay, I've got a feeling this is not gonna be a fair trial.

402. Hi.

403. Hi.

404. - Where is Bobby? - I don't know.

405. I gotta let her know the real killer has to be Kratt.

406. - Wow. - Wow.

407. Sorry I'm late. I hope there aren't any...

408. objections.

409. Your Honor, may I approach the bench?

410. I wish you would.

411. Watch this, kid.

412. If it pleases the court And I know that I do

413. There's something That I simply must address

414. I have heard a report And I swear it's not true

415. About the secret to my great success

416. So I am here to set the record straight

417. There are just two methods that I use

418. To help me litigate

419. Bells and whistles Will get 'em off

420. Although the purists, they may scoff

421. All you need are Bells and whistles

422. To win the case

423. Though other jurists May say you're a disgrace

424. The prosecution, they may rest

425. Convinced that they have done their best

426. Then I start blowin' I start clangin'

427. One more Joe avoids a hangin'

428. Bells and whistles Are all you need

429. Plus a comprehensive knowledge of the law

430. Plus a comprehensive knowledge

431. Of the—

432. Thank you to the judge And members of the jury

433. I'll try to make this brief 'Cause I know you're in a hurry

434. See, my client, the defendant Dr. Joshua D Skinner

435. He was merely at the club To take his darling wife to dinner

436. He stumbled on the body Of Miss Elsie, the decedent

437. And you may jump to conclusions The fact is that you needn't

438. The prima facie evidence Though it's an avalanche

439. Will be expressly And indubitably proven circumstantial

440. The testimony's hearsay And it reeks of retribution

441. So what we have is nothing But malicious prosecution

442. And a verdict of not guilty Is the only just solution

443. Bells and whistles are all you need

444. Plus a comprehensive knowledge The kind you get in college

445. A comprehensive knowledge of the law

446. I certainly hope this won't be a split decision.

447. - Does the jury need time to deliberate? - Absolutely not, Your Honor.

448. We, the jury, unanimously find Bobby Flanagan to be absolutely stunning

449. and Josh Skinner innocent of all charges.

450. Case adjourned!

451. I'll drink to that!

452. We did it! You're free!

453. W— This is a happy ending. We've got our happy ending.

454. Yes! You're right!

455. Let's get the hell out of here before anything else happens.

456. You swore everyone would blame him And that you could easily frame him

457. But your plot was all for naught

458. - Sorry, Mr. Kratt. - We did the best we could.

459. Why am I flanked by fools?

460. Idiots and women Who won't play by my rules

461. First there was the butcher's wife And now this Elsie Vale

462. Why must my quest to find a wife Always, always fail?

463. O, dear God up above

464. Why did you make me so difficult to love?

465. Why do I want the women Who don't want me?

466. I only want the women Who don't want me

467. I have to have the women Who don't want me

468. And thus it always ends in tragedy

469. Well, well, well Perhaps we've found a winner

470. I must say she's intriguing This Melissa Skinner

471. I believe she goes by Gimble

472. Perhaps this all will turn out For the best

473. Maybe this one will be smarter Than the rest

474. And I will no longer be alone

475. Maybe we can kill two birds with one stone

476. Maybe we can kill two birds with one Birds with one

477. Birds with one stone

478. Flooby wabba noody

479. Rizzo Cha Cha Doody

480. Flooby nooby wicky

481. Zuko 'n Kenickie

482. Join in the cosmic cantata

483. Open your soul to a world that's new

484. It's time to revel in the revelation Pay tribute to the tribulation

485. The universe believes in you

486. And we do too!

487. There's poverty, war, and injustice

488. Bigotry, hatred, and greed and fear

489. Too many people dying in the street Fighting for a bite to eat

490. The answer is crystal clear

491. So lend an ear!

492. - Everyone's gotta get naked - We're getting naked

493. - Get back to the way we were born - Back to the day we were born

494. The only solution A love revolution

495. Let's get back to the way

496. Back to the day

497. Back to the way we were born

498. Gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta Gotta get naked

499. Gotta get naked