Schmigadoon! 1x5

Directed by Barry Sonnenfeld

Dolores Drake as Biddy #1 • Eileen Barrett as Biddy #2 • Sarah Hayward as Helen • Amitai Marmorstein as Pete the Milkman • Liam Quiring-Nkindi as Carson

New romances hit roadblocks as Melissa meets someone unexpected and Emma reveals a secret. Mildred seizes a chance to increase her power.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Peyton got it.

2. Peyton got it?

3. Ugh. I don't believe it.

4. Oh, why does everyone care so much about Peyton?

5. You should meet with Dean Chang. Make her give you some answers.

6. - Seriously, let's schedule an appointment. - Why? What's she gonna say?

7. Anyway, I'm fine. I didn't become a surgeon for fellowships.

8. I did it because I wanted to help people without having to talk to them.

9. Just ask her what happened so you'll know you did everything you could.

10. - I mean, Peyton? Please stop.

11. - Okay.

12. Well, I'm sorry, sweetheart.

13. It's just a doggy-dog world.

14. I'm sorry, did you just say it's a "doggy-dog" world?

15. No, when a fellowship that should so clearly go to you,

16. - goes to someone— - Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

17. Doggy-dog?

18. Oh, Mel.

19. You just put me in a really difficult position

20. because I need you to keep saying "doggy-dog,"

21. but it's my obligation to tell you that the expression is "dog-eat-dog."

22. Uh, I don't think so. It's doggy-dog.

23. You're doubling down?

24. Dog-eat-dog doesn't make sense. Dogs don't eat dogs. That never happens.

25. Then what does "doggy-dog" mean?

26. It means, like, it's a rough world.

27. You can be brought down so low, a dog would have you for a pet.

28. You'd be doggy to a dog.

29. Okay, uh, a question comes to mind.

30. Is English your first language?

31. - Ugh, okay, babe. - No, I'm sorry.

32. Listen, I love you. It's okay to be wrong.

33. Well, I'm not wrong.

34. And I was just trying to make you feel better.

35. - You did. - Ugh.

36. I'm sorry about today.

37. You were right about doggy-dog.

38. Makes a lot of sense.

39. Thank you, sweetie.

40. - And I'm sorry about the fellowship.

41. Thank you.

42. And you, you wouldn't eat another dog, would you?

43. No, you wouldn't. You would never.

44. But you would have your own dog for a pet, wouldn't you?

45. Yes, you would.

46. - Look at that. He agrees with me. - Mmm.

47. Melissa, my word, you're disrobing.

48. No— Oh, no, just my shoes. It's late.

49. What a breath of fresh air you are.

50. How do you think of these things? You're such a free spirit.

51. That's me.

52. - Okay, well, here we go.

53. Piggies, we are giving ourselves to nature.

54. Shall we be tender monkeys?

55. Wow. You're a little different in love.

56. But you know what? I'm into it because I'm not controlling.

57. Well, how about instead we go over our top threes of the day?

58. By which I mean the day's three worst moments.

59. Seems you have turned my world on its head.

60. Jorge, you don't have to do that.

61. It's just a dumb thing I used to do with an old boyfriend,

62. and I shouldn't have mentioned it.

63. Okay, but my number one is when Helen Pritt gave me the stink eye

64. for using the word "constipated."

65. - Oh, how positively savage. "Constipated."

66. What was your number one?

67. Oh, my number one of the day, uh...

68. well, it was me. I was a horrible doctor.

69. Oh, no. Although—

70. Maybe you could prescribe less radium water, but—

71. Well, I was distracted all day because my thoughts were only of you, darling.

72. How you crack me open and let the light flood in.

73. It's crazy, but I feel like you've done the same for me.

74. Seems like forever since I've been this happy.

75. Oh, I'm so sorry.

76. - Oh, it's my fault, I'm sure.

77. Oh, looky everyone. The countess has returned early.

78. How wonderful!

79. Melissa, this is, uh, the Countess Gabriele Von Blerkom.

80. - She also invented stainless steel. - Jorge, please.

81. I dabble in aluminothermic reduction processes and I got lucky.

82. Oh, my gosh. This is just like Sound of Music.

83. Let me guess, you're just back from the city

84. and you're supposed to marry him, right?

85. Have we met? 'Cause I'd never forget such a lovely creature.

86. What a beautiful couple you two make.

87. Blerky, Blerky. You silly, silly, Blerky.

88. No, no. Do you think this woman and I were dancing?

89. No, I was just simply spinning her around

90. to dislodge the food that she was, uh, choking—

91. I'm Melissa, the new nurse.

92. Although you look much newer, Blerky,

93. you shine and sparkle so!

94. Jorge, I'm parched. Do root out some champagne.

95. Yes, of course.

96. He's in love with you.

97. Uh...

98. Well, he'd hardly be a man if he weren't.

99. Oh— Stop it. No. I mean, I guess.

100. You are a goddess.

101. You're so smart and stunning.

102. Compared to you, I'm, uh, a barefoot mess.

103. Ah! What fun. Oh.

104. Let's just go find your shoes, shall we?

105. The truth is, it's crazy, but Jorge and I are in love.

106. And I know that must hurt,

107. but I have this feeling, a vision let's call it,

108. that you are going to graciously step aside.

109. I can't explain how I know. Let's call it a sixth sense.

110. Oh, there are so many things one could call it.

111. Aw.

112. What sweaty little hands you have.

113. You and I must get to know each other better.

114. Oh, I know. We'll go for a drive. Tomorrow?

115. I would love that, Blerky.

116. Oh.

117. You feel comfortable enough to call me that.

118. It's raisin bread.

119. - Yeah. - It's coleslaw.

120. Sarsaparilla soda?

121. My sister must really like you. She's never smiled like this before.

122. Everyone in town thinks she's a sad sack.

123. Carson.

124. Why don't you go count the ants over by that pine tree?

125. - Absolutely. Mmm.

126. Well, whatever everyone in town thinks, it's better than what I think of them.

127. Smiling is overrated.

128. Twenty-six ants!

129. Keep counting, buddy!

130. So, how long are you going to be in Schmigadoon?

131. You know, I ask because I've had difficulties navigating the ins and outs

132. of handyman season before.

133. Well, to be honest, I don't know.

134. I really need to get back to New York.

135. Oh, but you can't. I mean, it isn't safe.

136. It's filled with gambling and crime

137. and poor souls who've tried to make it big

138. but can't go back home because of foolish pride.

139. See, but that's what I love about New York.

140. There are so many people in the city from all walks of life.

141. I don't know, maybe it's just because you can't keep track of them all,

142. but— but everyone in New York's got the chance to reinvent themselves.

143. My sister kissed Dr. Skinner! My sister!

144. Carson, you know better than to spy.

145. That will be sentences when we get home.

146. Sentences? Then I'm never telling you how many ants there are.

147. He thinks everyone's got to know everyone's business.

148. It's all right. Maybe he'll grow up to be a reporter.

149. I can see that headline.

150. Schoolmarm Scandal."

151. No, it's okay. He knows he has a lisp.

152. I had one too. We don't pretend that it doesn't exist.

153. You know what? You are doing a great job with him.

154. It can't be easy being both a sister and a parent.

155. That's really none of your business.

156. What? I'm sorry. I meant that as a compliment.

157. Well, thank you for that.

158. Oh, dear. It looks like rain.

159. - It's clear. - Well, that's the pattern, isn't it?

160. No rain. Rain. No rain. Rain.

161. Oh, it's been so nice seeing you, Josh,

162. but Carson and I really need to be on our way.

163. Wait. Emma, what's wrong?

164. Carson, it's time to go.

165. But Dr. Skinner was— - No, we need to go.

166. Wha—

167. Emma.

168. - Good afternoon, Mrs. Layton. - Is it?

169. Uh, pardon?

170. Oh, sir, I hear you. Yes, I hear you.

171. And normally I'd agree that, yes, it is a good afternoon.

172. But not this afternoon. Not with the state of our town today.

173. I can't hear y'all!

174. I love this town.

175. Y'all know my great-great-granddaddy founded Schmigadoon

176. when he came upon this beautiful tract of land and said,

177. "They'll never find us here."

178. But it pains me. Oh! It pains me

179. to see our town slipping away right before our very eyes.

180. I tried to alert the mayor, but his mind was elsewhere.

181. - In his pants!

182. His poor wife is so ashamed she locked herself inside her house.

183. And this time, on purpose.

184. I'm sorry, Florence!

185. New leadership. That's what Schmigadoon needs.

186. But who?

187. Who has the moral wherewithal, the traditional how-to,

188. the good, old-fashioned, all-American je ne sais quoi

189. to stand up to these two outsiders?

190. - Mildred Layton for mayor! - I couldn't.

191. Mildred Layton for mayor! - I wouldn't.

192. Mildred Layton for mayor!

193. - Okay, I'll do it.

194. Ow!

195. Sorry, Pete!

196. I want you to write "I will not spy" 500 times.

197. And do not get up until you do. Do you understand me?

198. This is outrageous.

199. Hey, can I have your pencil, sport?

200. So, what do you think happened at the picnic?

201. Why did your sister get so mad?

202. She's a mystery.

203. Here, you can write twice as fast.

204. Let's see.

205. - Huh? - We're cheating!

206. Shh! No, I'm not teaching you how to cheat.

207. This is totally fair. It's the Air Bud rule.

208. Oh, boy. Um... there's movies here, right?

209. Moving pictures?

210. Oh, yes, sir. I saw one at the nickelodeon.

211. It was of a man on a bicycle. It was like he was right there.

212. Great. So Air Bud is about a dog

213. who gets to play on a middle school basketball team,

214. because there's nothing in the rule book that specifically says he can't.

215. So we're not cheating, we're just exploiting a loophole.

216. Gee, thanks!

217. Uh, Carson, I just...

218. I don't wanna leave you with the impression

219. that you shouldn't work hard on stuff.

220. Or that Air Bud is a good movie. I mean, it's no Man on Bicycle.

221. Um...

222. Then you just remove the carbon from the molten steel

223. until it reaches a composition that can maintain the microstructure.

224. Wow!

225. I once had to boil soup in my stainless steel trash can, long story,

226. and it saved Thanksgiving, so thank you.

227. And I just wanna say,

228. I know it is bonkers for Jorge to choose me over you.

229. I mean, you could have anyone.

230. Alfred Hitchcock would turn down a custard pie to torture you.

231. Love is weird.

232. Oh, it happens all the time, my dear.

233. Powerful men can never resist the help.

234. Well, thank you for understanding.

235. You know, it makes me feel so much better.

236. It's actually been the story of my life.

237. Wait. You get a song?

238. That's surprising. You're kind of a minor cha—

239. Wait. My backpack, why—

240. Should you be driving and singing?

241. Oh.

242. - What are you doing?

243. Get out.

244. Is that stainless steel?

245. Oh, don't sweet-talk me. I want Jorge. I love him.

246. And I'm tired of being told how well-mannered I am for stepping aside.

247. Now get out of the car!

248. And don't even think about coming back.

249. You can't do this. I'm not the bad guy here.

250. You walked into my engagement and destroyed my future.

251. That's called being the bad guy.

252. Yeah, well, it's never explicitly stated, but I think you're a Nazi.

253. Of course I'm a Nazi.

254. Can I at least have my backpa—

255. You wanna tell me what's going on?

256. What is going on is I have been lying to you.

257. To everyone. But especially to Carson.

258. I'm not his sister.

259. I'm his mother.

260. Oh, Emma.

261. Look, it wasn't meant to happen.

262. I was so young, and my parents evicted me,

263. and I wound up in a maternity ward for wayward girls,

264. although we were anything but.

265. And when Carson was born,

266. I told everyone, including him, that he was my brother.

267. I just couldn't let Mildred Layton and her biddy brigade

268. say what they would say about him if they knew the truth.

269. But, of course, now you know.

270. So I understand if this means it's over between us, Josh.

271. It doesn't change how I feel about you, Emma. At all.

272. Carson.

273. I thought I told you to stay in your seat until you were done.

274. - You can't possi— - You lied to me. You're a liar!

275. No, Carson.

276. You lost my heart.

277. I gave you my heart, and you lost it.

278. Are you sure I didn't give it back to you? Check your backpack. 'Cause I'm—

279. Then why do I have your heart?

280. Maybe I am the bad guy.

281. Oh, no, is this a dream ballet?

282. No, no, we're not having a dream ballet. Okay?

283. They're annoying and stupid. They slow everything down.

284. Nobody likes a dream ballet. Nobody.

285. I just— I don't have time for one. I have to get back to Schmiga—

286. Actually, no, I don't have to get back

287. because there's nothing for me there.

288. There's no reason for me to be anywhere, really,

289. so might as well be nowhere.

290. Carson! Carson! Carson!

291. Well, well, well.

292. I've walked these woods all my life.

293. This is the first time I came across a six-foot snake.

294. 6'1", actually. And my BMI is 19—

295. Oh!

296. That's for stealing my gal.

297. She isn't even with me anymore, she's with Doc Lopez.