Schmigadoon! 1x4

1. Has he opened the box?

2. You didn't tell me there were gonna be naked people.

3. - I didn't know. Dave didn't mention it.

4. Oh, no. Is Dave gonna be naked?

5. His character is called "The Unprotected Seeker of Truth,"

6. so I'm thinking yes.

7. I cannot see Dave naked.

8. Sure you can, we're doctors.

9. I operate on knees. This is way above my pay gra—

10. It's Dave.

11. - Abort.

12. Abort.

13. Because I know not what is inside.

14. I'm sorry.

15. - I'm sorry. Pardon me.

16. I'm sorry. - Liar.

17. - I'm trying. Go. Hurry.

18. Oh, my God.

19. Wow.

20. It's beautiful.

21. - Whoa! Gotcha.

22. I love you.

23. Oh, I'm s— I'm sorry.

24. That just— I'm— I don't want you to feel any pressure.

25. And also, it's weird to say that the night we saw Dave's penis, so maybe just—

26. I love you too.

27. Oh, I'm sorry.

28. I meet with parents Thursdays between 3:00 and 5:00.

29. Good thing I'm not a parent.

30. Josh Skinner. Dr. Josh Skinner.

31. Oh, I know who you are.

32. You're the one who broke poor Betsy McDonough's heart,

33. then crossed the footbridge with every woman in town

34. in some pathetic attempt to bag a wife.

35. And how'd that work out? Get yourself a good one?

36. I'm still looking.

37. Please, don't waste your time looking here.

38. I wouldn't cross that bridge with you for $100.

39. Actually, I'm looking for a place to stay.

40. Heard there was a room to let above the schoolhouse.

41. You heard wrong.

42. Now, If you don't mind, I have more important things to do.

43. So Mildred Layton got to you too.

44. Mildred Layton?

45. She had my girlf— ex and me kicked out of the inn,

46. and has everyone else in town so scared they won't put us up.

47. Ugh, that woman is a menace.

48. You know, she's constantly meddling,

49. trying to tell me what to teach in my own classroom.

50. I mean, she took my book on wildflowers and crossed out all the stamens.

51. So she's got a problem with you too.

52. Yeah, that lines up.

53. So what's her deal? She controls the whole town?

54. Pretty much. But she doesn't control me.

55. Well, I can think of a great way to prove that.

56. Mmm.

57. I suppose I could use a handyman around here.

58. Hmm?

59. In exchange for the room.

60. Oh, yes. Handyman.

61. Super handy. Hung all the pictures in my apartment in, like, an hour.

62. Eyeballed everything. It's pretty— pretty impressive.

63. Oh, you must have felt so virile.

64. You can start tomorrow morning at 9:00.

65. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do.

66. Gotcha.

67. Thank you.

68. - Make it 8:00. - You got it.

69. Here is what

70. Hard work, discipline and a willingness to follow all of my orders to the letter.

71. Absolutely.

72. So, Dr. Lopez, have you had many nurses?

73. I have.

74. Now I will like to show you my equipment.

75. This is called an obstetric perforator.

76. Really? Looks like something you'd use to eat lobster.

77. Papa?

78. I'm sorry, son. I just needed to grab something.

79. What did you take?

80. - Um... - What is it? Show me.

81. - Uh—

82. Papa, that is a surgical lubricant. What could you possibly want it for?

83. - It's private. - Not when it's my lubricant.

84. Come on. Just let them have it.

85. And now you have encouraged my new nurse to question my authority.

86. Fine. Your mama and I are feeling amorous,

87. and the last time it really helped, so—

88. - Papa, there is a lady present. - Oh, I'm good.

89. You are too old for the act of love. It's unseemly.

90. Put it back this instant.

91. My apologies. You'll find I don't appreciate interruptions.

92. - Doc Lopez, I'm sorry, but— - Young lady, I told you I cannot help you.

93. - But I— - Nancy!

94. If you are determined to have a child out of wedlock, that is your concern.

95. But I will have nothing to do with it. Now please, leave this office.

96. Wait, what?

97. What is wrong with you?

98. You can't just turn away that girl.

99. I have every right to choose whom I will take on as a patient.

100. But you're the only doctor in town.

101. Epiphany.

102. E-P-I-P-H-A-N-Y. Epiphany.

103. Well done, Zaneeta.

104. Tommy, your word is "catharsis."

105. - Catharsis. C-A— - Hey!

106. Children, say good morning to our new handyman, Dr. Skinner.

107. Good morning, Dr. Skinner.

108. Hey, kids.

109. 'Sup.

110. So, where should I start?

111. The door to the supply closet has been jammed for weeks.

112. On it.

113. - Now, Tommy, let's resume.

114. - Your word is "catharsis." - Um, Miss Tate?

115. Yeah, this is really stuck. Do you have any other jobs?

116. So you're just going to give up?

117. No, I'm not giving up. I'm just moving on to something else.

118. So, giving up.

119. Children, what does Shakespeare have to say about that?

120. "Cowards die many times before their death;

121. the valiant never taste of death but once."

122. Shakespeare. So perceptive, and so beautifully expressed.

123. What does that even mean?

124. It means that taking the easy way out never pays.

125. Let's see how I can explain it.

126. - Oh, seriously,

127. no musical explanation needed. I get it.

128. Stop. Okay.

129. Miss Tate is right. How can you live a life partway?

130. Or be half a friend?

131. Why do you keep giving up, Dr. Skinner?

132. Yeah. Why?

133. Hey, back off. It's a door.

134. Is it?

135. Not into singing, huh? I get it.

136. I'm no good at music.

137. H-E-A-R-T!

138. Yes!

139. Why are they laughing? Nothing even remotely funny just happened.

140. Can I tempt you with anything?

141. What would you recommend?

142. Well, most folks are partial to Helen Pritt's corn brittle

143. or Aunt Polly's shoofly pie.

144. Unfortunately, no one seems to be interested in my rhubarb squares.

145. Oh, I love rhubarb squares.

146. You do? Me too.

147. And I thought I was the only one.

148. Well, they're definitely not for everybody.

149. - I'll take two. - Wonderful.

150. Here. I'd hate to enjoy it alone.

151. Oh, thank you.

152. Uh-uh-uh, Howard, don't forget your diet.

153. We don't wanna have to get your fat pants down from the attic again.

154. Oh. Sorry, Mildred.

155. Ha! I found you!

156. Oh, don't worry, Nancy. No, no, I'm here to help.

157. I assume this is the father?

158. Uh, yes, ma'am. Seaman Freddy Driggs.

159. Oh, thank you for your service.

160. You're pregnant and living in this shack?

161. Oh, my parents don't want a scandal.

162. But please don't tell them Freddy was here.

163. Nancy and I wanna get married, honest.

164. But her ma doesn't approve of sailors

165. on account of the way we curse so dad gum much— Sorry.

166. So we can't.

167. Hey. You'll get no judgment from me.

168. I just wanna make sure you and your baby are safe.

169. How many months along are you?

170. I'm not sure. I've got so many questions and no idea who to ask.

171. For instance, where does the baby come out?

172. I feel like there are a couple of options but both seem crazy.

173. The baby comes out of your vagina, Nancy.

174. Really?

175. Ma'am, I don't even use language like that.

176. It's just medical terminology, Freddy. Nothing to be afraid of.

177. Let's see if I can make it easier for you.

178. - The vagina? - That's right!

179. Now sing with me.

180. Ow! Son of a bitch.

181. Aw. This must be the Skinner Feeling I've heard so much about.

182. Hey. Just trying to do my best with all of my heart.

183. Well, clearly the door's gotten the better of you.

184. Maybe try assaulting the toolbox again tomorrow?

185. - You! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

186. Don't shoot!

187. Oh, I'm not gonna shoot.

188. 'Cause you're headed with me and my Betsy right now

189. to the church to get married.

190. What?

191. Hey! You listen here, Patrick McDoogal McDonough.

192. You will not come into my classroom

193. waving a gun around and ranting like a lunatic.

194. Do you understand me?

195. Uh, yes, ma'am.

196. Do you really think so little of your daughter

197. that you feel the need to threaten men to get them to marry her?

198. - Do you, Papa? - Well, I thought—

199. I don't see a whole lot of thinking going on in that head of yours.

200. But you are going to go home and think about your behavior,

201. and let your daughter live her own life.

202. - Is that clear? - Yes, ma'am.

203. Can I have my gun?

204. You will get this back when I think you have learned your lesson. Now get.

205. Thank you.

206. Must be hard being the only one around here with an actual functioning brain.

207. Aw, they're not so bad. They're just set in their ways, is all.

208. I try to encourage them to be more modern, but, uh...

209. Have you heard of a brassiere?

210. - Rings a bell. - Oh, it's a wonderful new invention

211. that frees the woman's bosom from the bondage of the corset.

212. I love it.

213. But of course Mildred and her biddies have banned them. It's ridiculous.

214. So ridiculous. Brassieres are the best.

215. I imagine we all must seem very provincial and backwards

216. to someone as cosmopolitan as yourself.

217. So, what's it like where you come from? The big city.

218. - Well...

219. No, no, no, no!

220. - Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, um— - I'm not doing this.

221. - Okay. Fine. Don't tell me.

222. - Have a nice evening, Dr. Skinner. - No—

223. So in the future, Pete,

224. let's stay away from boiling pots of corn puddin', okay?

225. Just knowing you and your whole deal.

226. Ow!

227. So you're a nurse now. Where's the doctor?

228. He's out fishing.

229. What do you want? Why are you here?

230. I kinda— I was, um—

231. - You need my help. - Yeah.

232. Really? Don't know if you remember,

233. but we're broken up and I hate you.

234. I know, I know. But I have nowhere else to turn. Please.

235. Fine. What is it?

236. Okay, so you remember when I tried to cross the bridge

237. with every woman in town?

238. Yes, I remember.

239. Well, there's one woman in town I missed. Emma Tate, the schoolmarm.

240. So I'm thinking she must be my ticket out.

241. You gonna find true love with the schoolmarm?

242. I don't know. I— I just know it's not going well.

243. Yesterday we were talking and then music started to play out of nowhere,

244. and she stormed off.

245. - Well, you were supposed to sing. I guess.

246. Josh, you're in a musical. That's how musicals work.

247. When you're too emotional to talk, you sing.

248. When you're too emotional to sing, you dance.

249. What happens when you're too emotional to dance?

250. Does it loop back around to talking?

251. 'Cause I feel like that's where I'm at right now.

252. Look, there's gotta be another way. You know musicals.

253. Any tips for me? Like what musical I'm in.

254. I'm so torn between really not wanting to help you

255. and really wanting to show off how much I know.

256. Damn it. Okay.

257. She's a teacher accompanied by a young boy. That's very Music Man.

258. And who would I be in that?

259. Harold Hill. A morally adrift narcissist who needs to change.

260. - All right. - Or it could be King and I.

261. - In that I'm... - A morally adrift narcissist

262. who needs to change.

263. Okay, now I feel like that's just your opinion of me.

264. - You're gonna have to sing, Josh. - Not happening.

265. So what did the Music Man do to win over the teacher in their musical?

266. - He gave her little brother a trumpet. - Why?

267. Why "Shipoopi"? I don't know. Do you need to know the whole plot?

268. - How much time do you have? - Never mind.

269. Trumpet. Little brother. Got it.

270. - I think it's a little more than that. Nurse Melissa!

271. - Nurse Melissa! - I'm a doctor.

272. I think I'm having the baby!

273. Uh, okay. Come on in. Let's do this.

274. - But Doc Lopez— - Screw Doc Lopez.

275. Let's get you on the table.

276. Okay.

277. What are you doing?

278. Figured you could use a hand.

279. - Yeah, I could.

280. That was amazing.

281. - You were amazing. No.

282. - You were. - Okay, I was.

283. But to be fair, I mean, being in a musical made it pretty easy.

284. It's the first time I've ever had a baby come out completely dry.

285. Yeah, that was weird.

286. But it was great to have your help, so thank you.

287. Happy to do it.

288. Guess you better go find that trumpet.

289. Uh, yeah. Right.

290. Well, good luck.

291. - Good luck to you too. - Thanks.

292. Is it true what I heard?

293. Did you deliver Nancy's baby against my orders?

294. Yes, because I'm a doctor.

295. I am. And you know what doctors are supposed to do?

296. Help people.

297. Well, you had no right to do that.

298. This is my practice and I make the rules.

299. Speaking of, how did this tube end up on my parents' nightstand?

300. I gave it to them.

301. You have no boundaries. No decency.

302. I have no decency?

303. You refused to treat a woman in need.

304. I'm sorry. I don't care how ridiculously handsome you are.

305. You're just wrong. About Nancy,

306. about your parents, about everything.

307. If your parents wanna have sex, let them have sex.

308. In fact, you know what?

309. I'm not only gonna keep encouraging your parents to get it on,

310. I'm gonna teach them ways to make their sex lives even better.

311. Every position in the Kama-sutra.

312. Pleasure for the sake of pleasure itself.

313. And finally, in spite of you, they are going to truly live.

314. We are gathered here today to say goodbye

315. to Old Doc Lopez,

316. who unexpectedly left us this week

317. as a result of engaging in what is apparently known as

318. an "Egyptian hucklebuck."

319. We all must experience sorrow,

320. but it seems the Lopez family has endured much more than its share.

321. Just two years ago, I was up here delivering the eulogy

322. for Jorge's dear wife, Norma.

323. So, what do we do when life hands us tragedy like this?

324. When the love of God is so far away?

325. - Hi. - Hi.

326. - Are you all right?

327. It was my fault.

328. I'm the one who encouraged him to stretch his sexual repertoire.

329. That heart attack was gonna happen no matter what.

330. You know that, right? It was just hibernating.

331. A wise man once said... - I guess.

332. - So, that's your doctor, huh?

333. He's moderately attractive. For a man his age.

334. How's it going with your schoolmarm?

335. Can't find a trumpet anywhere.

336. I still don't see how that's gonna make her fall in love with me.

337. Look, romance in musicals isn't always logical. Okay?

338. That's why they usually let the songs do the heavy lifting.

339. I'm not singing.

340. Are we truly living our lives to the fullest?

341. Do we have the courage to always follow our hearts?

342. And are we using everything God has blessed us with?

343. He makes a great point, huh? About following our hearts.

344. I'd like to. I would. But...

345. Because our brief sojourn here on earth is a gift from God.

346. And he would not have us waste a single minute of it.

347. You know what?

348. You're right.

349. A wise man once said, "The stars are always shining...

350. - but it's only at night"-- - Oh, no. I didn't mean right now.

351. Reverend, I have something I'd like to say.

352. Uh, of course, Mr. Mayor.

353. The reverend is right.

354. Life is precious, and we shouldn't waste a single minute.

355. So...

356. there's something I've wanted to say for years...

357. but have never had the courage.

358. Florence,

359. my dearest, I love you so much.

360. But...

361. I'm a homosexual.

362. - A what?

363. Florence, wait!

364. - Hey, Carson. Hey, Dr. Skinner.

365. Got a little something for ya.

366. What's that?

367. It's a kazoo.

368. And I know you'd probably prefer a trumpet but there aren't any in town.

369. And besides, a kazoo is much better

370. because you don't have to take lessons or practice, or anything.

371. You just hum into it and music comes out.

372. Hmm.

373. The other kids will just make fun of me.

374. - Why do you say that? - Because they always make fun of me.

375. I'm an outcast. I guess I just don't fit in.

376. I know how you feel, buddy.

377. - You do? - Sure.

378. When I was in school to be a doctor, I didn't fit in either.

379. There wasn't anybody like me in my whole group.

380. And to tell the truth, it got pretty lonely sometimes.

381. But you know what I did? I said, "Screw 'em."

382. "Screw 'em"?

383. Mm-hmm.

384. I— I realized it didn't matter what they thought.

385. It only mattered what I thought.

386. And so I worked hard, I became a doctor,

387. and now I have a ton of friends.

388. Including Carmelo Anthony, who is a famous basketball player,

389. whose knee I once fixed and hooked me up with courtside seats.

390. And those babies go for, like, $2,500 a pop.

391. - Wow! - Exactly. So, come on.

392. Give it a try.

393. - Mmm.

394. - Right.

395. Wow! I did it! I made music!

396. - Sister! Sister! Sister! - Yes?

397. Dr. Skinner gave me the most amazing thing ever!

398. A kazoo! Look, I can make music!

399. That's great!

400. Holy shit, it worked.

401. Doctor?

402. Are you all right?

403. Oh, Melissa. Sorry, I was just out here thinking.

404. It's been quite a day.

405. I didn't know about your wife.

406. I'm so sorry. You must have loved her very much.

407. Yes, I did.

408. And I want you to know how sorry I am about your father.

409. I feel like if it weren't for me, he'd still be around.

410. Oh, no, no. Melissa, you must never blame yourself.

411. Never.

412. Because of you, his last moments were filled with joy. And love.

413. No thanks to me. No, no.

414. I am Dr. Jorge Sebastian Federico Lopez,

415. a controlling perfectionist who won't just let people be who they are.

416. I hate that about myself. I hate it.

417. Well, I mean, there are positive aspects to those qualities too.

418. That's what I told myself.

419. And in the meantime, I was making the people I love miserable.

420. But then you showed up, standing up to me, speaking your mind.

421. Yes, initially I hated it,

422. but now I've realized...

423. that you were right.

424. And I was wrong. About everything.

425. That's the sexiest thing any man has ever said to me.

426. You've changed me, Melissa.

427. Thank you.

428. How does this even work?

429. A-Any luck?

430. Nope.

431. Uh... I'm kind of the worst handyman ever.

432. Been here a week, haven't fixed anything.

433. Except Carson.

434. Thank you for reaching out to him.

435. Oh.

436. He's had such a hard time growing up without a mother or a father.

437. I've tried introducing the important things in life to him.

438. You know, compassion, integrity, that there should always be a third thing.

439. But clearly there's so much I've denied him.

440. Hey, don't be so hard on yourself.

441. He's a great kid, and that's because of you.

442. A lot of people in this town would disagree.

443. Who cares what they think?

444. You're better than all of them put together.

445. Josh Skinner.

446. You are not the man that I thought you were.

447. Doctor?

448. Melissa, what the mayor did today has inspired me.

449. I know this is sudden, but I don't wanna waste another minute.

450. - Emma... - If this seems sudden, well, it is.

451. But after what happened today at the funeral,

452. it just feels wrong to keep it inside.