Schmigadoon! 1x2

Directed by Barry Sonnenfeld

Kyra Leroux as Carrie • Astrid Trueman as Nellie • Kevin McNulty as Farmer McDonough • Bijou Brattston as Tootie McDonough • Amitai Marmorstein as Pete the Milkman

After realizing that they can't leave together, Josh and Melissa break up and start looking for romance around town.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. - This is perfect.

2. Um, okay, so, I normally don't say this on the first time with boys,

3. and by "boys" I mean men or guys, uh, male-presenting people of age. Um.

4. But I would just like to put it out there that, um,

5. I'm fine if this is like, uh, a one-night thing,

6. and if it's... ... more than one night, that— I'm also fine.

7. So, yeah.

8. And what would, uh, your take on this be?

9. I don't think this is just one night.

10. So... two nights?

11. Melissa, you are gorgeous and funny, and you're a doctor.

12. Maybe it's two nights. Maybe three.

13. I mean, who knows? Maybe— Maybe we'll be together forever.

14. But, for now, can we just take it one moment at a time?

15. - Yeah. - Mm-hmm.

16. Yeah, I'm great at that.

17. So, yeah. Wow. Okay. So, mm, two nights?

18. Could be two nights. Could be forever. Could be, you know, anything in between.

19. - Um, sorry, I'm ruining it. - Mm-hmm.

20. - I'm ruining it. Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm.

21. I don't understand. Why couldn't we cross?

22. - I mean... - What?

23. Look, this whole thing is insane.

24. I'm still trying to wrap my head around all of it.

25. But apparently, according to the leprechaun, this isn't true love.

26. So... you don't really love me?

27. I didn't say that. Of course I love you.

28. Then what are you saying?

29. I'm not saying anything,

30. but apparently some cosmic verdict has been reached,

31. and we failed. That's all.

32. So you're ready to give up on us because of what a leprechaun said?

33. No, stop. I am just trying to figure out how to get out of here

34. and get back to reality.

35. But not together.

36. We already tried together.

37. So, what? Wait, you wanna try with other people?

38. Oh, no. No, no, no. Please, no song.

39. I'll do anything.

40. Yeah, guys, we're actually in the middle of som—

41. Would you leave us alone for just a minute?

42. Seriously, please?

43. No! Oh, no, that's not okay.

44. Unless it's consensual.

45. Yeah, I'm— I'm not doing this.

46. Oh, what a surprise. You don't want to talk about it.

47. Um, what is that supposed to mean?

48. It's not supposed to mean anything. I said what I meant.

49. I can't do this with all these people around.

50. Oh, you can't do this, period.

51. - We have to get out of here. - Yeah, yeah.

52. Come on!

53. So what's the plan, Josh? Look for someone new?

54. I'm not having a discussion that's part of a musical number.

55. Why won't you just answer the question?

56. Fine. Yes. If it's a way to get out of here.

57. I knew it. I knew it!

58. It's like if The Walking Dead was also Glee.

59. - You watched Glee? - I was aware of it.

60. Holy shit.

61. Do you think this is true love?

62. What?

63. Do you think this, you and me, is true love?

64. You don't?

65. You don't. Okay. Good to know.

66. What does that even mean, true love?

67. It's like you've got this perfect idea of what love is supposed to be.

68. Maybe that doesn't even exist.

69. Just because something is hard doesn't mean it's unattainable.

70. It takes work. But clearly you're not willing to do that.

71. You know what? I'm done. It's over.

72. - Mel. - No, I mean it!

73. We're officially broken up now.

74. You're free to find true love with whoever you want. 'Cause this is it.

75. The end. And— And you suck.

76. And I hate you. And I hope you die.

77. - Mel. - Stop saying "Mel."

78. You sound like a freaking idiot.

79. Miss Melissa.

80. Oh, Mr. Mayor. I'm— I'm sorry, I was just—

81. Are you okay? Have you been crying?

82. Um...

83. Come here. What's wrong?

84. Nothing you need to worry about.

85. I am the mayor. I worry about everything that happens in Schmigadoon.

86. Now, what's the trouble?

87. Josh and I broke up.

88. Oh, no. You sure it wasn't just a lovers' spat?

89. Yes, it wasn't a lovers' spat.

90. It's over. It's actually over.

91. Oh, Melissa, I am so sorry.

92. I really thought he was the one.

93. But I guess I don't know.

94. I know it hurts right now, but that won't last forever.

95. Soon you'll forget all about Josh and find somebody new. Somebody better.

96. It's not that easy.

97. I didn't say it would be easy.

98. But it will happen. I'm certain of it.

99. Oh, am I supposed to si—

100. Mr. Mayor, are you— are you gay?

101. I try to be.

102. Schmigadoon's motto is,

103. "We always strive for peace and happiness."

104. So I try to be an example of joy and gaiety for the folks in town.

105. But sometimes it's not so easy.

106. Life can be so hard.

107. I guess this is the place I come to when I want to be gay...

108. but I can't.

109. Oh.

110. Mr. Mayor, I'm— I'm sorry, I—

111. Oh, look at me going on and on

112. when I'm the one who's supposed to be comforting you.

113. You have. I do feel better.

114. Good. Because you know what?

115. Everyone in Schmigadoon deserves to find true love.

116. Yeah. They do.

117. Here's to finding true love.

118. - Oh, a reprise. - Mm.

119. Ow!

120. Sorry, Pete.

121. Well, hey there, Mr. Skinner.

122. Hey, uh, uh, Betsy is it?

123. Oh, you remembered.

124. And these are my sisters, Laurey, Carrie,

125. Nellie, Fiona, Cindy, and that is little Tootie.

126. Is this the fella who said the joke about sleeping like a log?

127. That is him.

128. Oh, say it again. Please.

129. What, that I slept like a log?

130. I told you he was funny.

131. I'm so sorry to hear about you splitting up with Miss Melissa.

132. Though I do suppose that means

133. you'll be looking for a basket to bid on tonight.

134. - Oh, no. No, I—

135. I mean, uh— What— What, uh—

136. What— What basket?

137. Well, tonight's the annual picnic basket auction

138. to raise money to buy books for the library.

139. And replace the ones the reverend's wife burned.

140. Every gal in town makes up a picnic basket to auction off to the men in town,

141. and the highest bid gets the basket plus dinner with the gal who made it.

142. And maybe a little something special for dessert.

143. Though it is a secret whose basket's whose,

144. so... even if someone wanted to,

145. he would have no way of knowing which basket was mine.

146. So what do you say, Mr. Skinner? Are you coming tonight?

147. - Oh, yes. Please come. You have to. Oh, yes. Please come.

148. Okay. Okay. All right, I'll come. I'll come. All right?

149. For the library. All right?

150. And actually, it's, uh, Dr. Skinner.

151. Dr. Skinner? Oh, my.

152. All right, get outta here, y'all.

153. These chairs ain't gonna set up themselves.

154. Bye, Dr. Skinner.

155. Nice to meet you.

156. My basket will be waiting for you tonight.

157. It'll be wrapped in a pink, velvety ribbon,

158. and it will smell like peaches and sweet cream.

159. I'll see you tonight.

160. Okay.

161. - Hey. - Hey.

162. What are you, selling popcorn now?

163. I just thought maybe I'd stop by this, uh, basket auction thing.

164. You're going to the basket auction?

165. We broke up, like, two hours ago, and now you're going to the basket auction

166. where men are bidding on women like livestock.

167. Well, it's— It's for the library.

168. Oh, let me guess. You're bidding on the Rhodes scholar waitress

169. who thought "slept like a log" was hilarious.

170. I just think— I think it's the way I said it.

171. You are so predictable. Whatever.

172. Go have fun with your teenage cliché.

173. She's not a teenager.

174. And I'm just trying to get out of here. Aren't you?

175. Yeah, I'm trying as hard as I can.

176. Ooh, if only I'd known the secret was just laughing at everything you say.

177. Mel, be fair.

178. Oh. - You know, you're stuck here too.

179. I'm not suggesting this for the actual world,

180. but since we're both stuck in this world,

181. maybe you should make your own basket.

182. Oh, really? So I can be bought by some man with four teeth.

183. No, thank you.

184. Okay. I hope you like it here.

185. Now if you'll excuse me...

186. I got a basket to win.

187. Hey, cool hat.

188. You wish you had this hat.

189. Oh, good one.

190. It's the picnic basket auction.

191. - See, 'cause they...

192. Whoa, you're not gonna wanna drink that, missy.

193. That there's the gentlemen's punch bowl.

194. It's got alcohol in it.

195. Oh.

196. Thank you for the warning, Larry the Fireman.

197. It's time. It's time. It's time for the auction.

198. Who is that kid?

199. What, is his job to announce everything?

200. That's Carson, Miss Tate the schoolmarm's little brother.

201. Their parents are dead, so she's had to raise him herself.

202. Poor kid's got no friends.

203. You know, on account of his tongue being too big for his mouth.

204. All right, gentlemen,

205. time to loosen up those pockets and raise some money for the library.

206. And replace all the books that were recently destroyed.

207. - Because they were filthy. - Filthy?

208. No, these were great works of literature.

209. Chaucer, Voltaire, Balzac.

210. - Won't take a husband. - All right. All right, enough prattling.

211. Now you all know the rules.

212. You're not supposed to know which basket goes with which gal.

213. But, of course, if your sweetheart's told you what her basket looks like,

214. that ain't my business.

215. So, is that gooseberry pie I smell?

216. What am I offered for this beauty?

217. Two bits from Preston. Three bits!

218. Four in the back from Barnaby.

219. Five bits. Thank you, five. Six bits. Six bits.

220. Going once. Going twice.

221. Sold to Jeremiah in the front row.

222. - How much is a bit? - Twelve and 1/2 cents.

223. Why's there a term for 12 and 1/2 cents? How's that helpful?

224. What do I hear for that one? Two bits. Thank you, sir.

225. Three bits. Four bits. Five bits. Six bits. Seven bits.

226. Sold to the gentleman in the cap over there.

227. Sold to Uncle Otis in the third row.

228. Sold to Enoch from The Schmigazette.

229. Sold to Curly for five bits.

230. Sold to Marcellus for three bits.

231. All right, there's only one basket left.

232. And something tells me this one's gonna be mighty popular.

233. What do I hear for this fine basket?

234. - Two bits! - Four bits!

235. - Four bits, thank you, sir. - Dang it.

236. - Six bits! - Two dollars!

237. Nobody's ever bid two dollars before.

238. Okay, two dollars. Going once...

239. Two dollars and two bits.

240. I can't compete with that.

241. Well, it looks like this basket is going to Henry for two dollars and two bits.

242. Going once. Going twice.

243. Hold on there, Mr. Mayor.

244. - Twenty dollars.

245. Sold to the newcomer, Mr. Skinner, there, for $20.

246. - That's Dr. Skinner.

247. Hey, I'm a doctor too, by the way.

248. But you're a lady.

249. I think we can all agree

250. this was the most successful picnic basket auction we've ever had.

251. - That's... Thanks to our bidders—

252. All right, hold on.

253. Excuse me, I'm sorry. Pardon me. Pardon me.

254. The auction is not over yet.

255. Well, Miss Melissa, you've decided to make a basket?

256. No, no. I am the basket, baby.

257. I don't think you quite understand how the picnic basket auction works.

258. Oh, no, I understand how it works, okay?

259. 'Cause these horny sickos are bidding on women like pieces of meat.

260. Okay.

261. - Well, guess what. - All right.

262. This piece of meat has a brain.

263. And it is filled with thoughts and ideas.

264. So let's get this party started.

265. Who wants to buy this meat basket? Ow!

266. Mel, please. Get down from there.

267. You get down from there. Shut up. You're just jealous.

268. Oh, and by the way, where we come from, $20 is like nothing.

269. It's like a medium pizza, okay? So don't be all impressed.

270. Uh, okay. So, um...

271. let's start the bidding at two bits.

272. Do I hear two bits?

273. Two bits to start.

274. How about one bit? One bit for the lovely Miss Melissa.

275. Mm-hmm.

276. Do I hear five cents?

277. Ah, we have five cents.

278. Actually, I just have a question. I'm confused. Is there pie?

279. No, but you get something better.

280. - Cake? - No.

281. A strong, independent woman who will never accept less than she deserves again.

282. Now who wants to buy me?

283. Yes, Henry for five cents. - No, I got a question too.

284. Would you be willing to bake a pie? Say, at a future date?

285. No! There's no pies or no preserves, okay? It's just me.

286. But come on.

287. I'm attractive. I'm well educated.

288. I make good money. I volunteer, or intend to.

289. Plus I'm fun. You shut up!

290. - You know I'm fun. - What did—

291. So come on. Let's bid already.

292. Come on, fellas.

293. It's for the library.

294. Two dollars.

295. All I got in the world.

296. I have a bid from Danny Bailey for two dollars.

297. Going once. Going twice. Sold!

298. Oh.

299. Did you see that?

300. This super-hot guy just bought me for two dollars. Yeah.

301. Make it rain, Danny Bailey.

302. Well, that was fun.

303. Uh, obviously those signs at the punch bowls don't work.

304. Good night, everybody.

305. You kept me in suspense there a little bit.

306. Yeah.

307. I don't like those two outsiders, Howard, or their newfangled city ideas.

308. They don't belong here.

309. Oh, I don't know about that, Mildred.

310. I know you don't, that's why I'm telling you.

311. They need to go.

312. - So, Danny Bailey. - Guilty as charged.

313. Until proven innocent.

314. Or not guilty due to plausible deniability.

315. Prosecution didn't do their job. Mistrial.

316. This is fun.

317. Are you having fun? We're having fun.

318. So much more fun than Josh and that stupid waitress.

319. - Don't you think? - I reckon so.

320. Say, what do you think of that teddy bear?

321. Ugh, it's creepy.

322. - You want it? - Yes.

323. - Are you gonna win it for me? - Heck no.

324. You're a strong, independent woman. You're gonna win it for yourself.

325. Uh, wait. Is this an actual gun?

326. - It sure is.

327. Now, you're gonna want to place your left hand on the barrel

328. while you position your finger on the trigger.

329. Now, be careful.

330. This thing can go off if you stroke it the right way, even gently.

331. So mind your grip and just remember

332. these things were built to explode.

333. - Uh, Danny. - Yes, Melissa.

334. Um, this might be a bit complicated

335. because I am a bit tipsy in the spectrum of consent,

336. but all I'm thinking right now is how good your neck smells

337. and how I would throw my mother in front of a bus

338. to get the chance to ride you.

339. You're a funny kid. What's a bus?

340. - Oh.

341. - And the lady wins a prize.

342. - Wow. - It's all yours, Melissa.

343. I mean, even, like...

344. how you use my name in a sentence, it's limb-wobbling.

345. I'm not used to this, okay?

346. I'm generally pretty level-headed and rational.

347. Well, yee honk.

348. - Yee honk? - That's right.

349. I like women who can think for themselves. But sometimes...

350. you got to do less thinking.

351. - How do you feel now?

352. Holy shit. Am I about to get a song?

353. My own song? I am!

354. Oh, it's in my range and everything.

355. Whoo.

356. - Ooh.

357. Yeah.

358. Whoa, this is, uh, some little hike.

359. - Well, I thought it'd be good to get away.

360. Especially from that heartless Miss Melissa.

361. Oh, let's not talk about Miss Melissa.

362. Oh, you poor thing.

363. I mean, you must really be hurting.

364. But don't you worry. Betsy is gonna make it all better.

365. Would you like that?

366. Yes. Yes, I would.

367. Oh, I just love this place.

368. The high school kids call it "Virginity Ruins."

369. It's where they all come to, you know, "picnic."

370. Not that I've been here before. Tee-hee.

371. Uh, well, if— if you had been here before,

372. it would've been a long time ago

373. because it was way back when you were in high school.

374. Am I right?

375. Oh, look! There's the swing I used to swing on

376. the summer that I turned 14.

377. Oh, it seems like that was only yesterday.

378. But it wasn't, right?

379. Oh, and over yonder,

380. there's the special tree that my papa planted the day that I was born.

381. Oh, no.

382. You are really young.

383. Look, Betsy, I feel like it's a good time to set some ground rules

384. in terms of what's gonna happen between us tonight.

385. Why, Dr. Skinner,

386. what makes you think anything's gonna happen between us?

387. You know, I think you have the wrong idea about me.

388. That's great to hear, Betsy, 'cause here's the thing.

389. You are way too youn—

390. Okay, I'm kinda getting some mixed messages here.

391. Yes.

392. But then again, why wait?

393. Papa!

394. You better start proposing, son.