1. Get your bets in right here!
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2. - Hey, hey, give me one tooth on Beans.
- Give me two teeth on Tuna!
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3. Come on! Come on, Beans!
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4. Gah! Son of a bitch!
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5. Hey, now!
Pay up, ya legume-filled laggard!
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6. Hi, there. Sorry to break up the fun.
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7. Just want to say this is
a lovely home you have here,
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8. and, well... I'd like to have it.
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9. Ahh, ye take us for dullards?
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10. I wasn't canned yesterday.
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11. We have no intention of handing
this newly discovered land fortress over.
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12. Unless ye plan to plunder us?
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13. No, no, there'll be no plundering.
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14. Congratulations on the single tooth
you won in your race.
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15. - I hope you're happy with it.
- I am.
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16. Every food loves teeth.
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17. Their symbolism be lost on no one.
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18. Let me let you in on a little secret:
One tooth isn't cool.
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19. You know what's cool?
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20. One hundred and seven teeth.
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21. Go ahead and count 'em.
Lots of white ones in there,
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22. yellow ones, too.
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23. There's some babies'. Oh!
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24. See the molar caught your eye.
Nice, isn't it?
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25. That's a bicuspid.
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26. There's some snaggles in there.
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27. That's a matched set.
Put them together, there's a gap.
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28. Look at all that grade A mouth bone.
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29. Aye, by the north wind,
that's a lotta loot.
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30. You got a deal, me orange-hearty!
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31. Ha-ha!
- Push! Push!
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32. So long.
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33. Ya fuckin' morons.
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34. I own all this!
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35. Even you.
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36. Lavash, my love.
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37. When I'm with you,
I-I feel like I-I have no hole.
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38. 'Cause it's filled with your love,
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39. your admiration,
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40. and, yep, occasionally,
your speckled doughy...
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41. Hey, what...
what were you just screaming about?
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42. What, was I screaming?
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43. Just a night terror.
I'd rather not unpack it at the moment.
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44. - It was a fun night.
- Yeah, yeah. Now it's over.
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45. Yeah. No more excitement.
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46. No more love will be given.
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47. No more attention will be paid.
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48. I guess this is, this is life now.
Just sitting here...
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49. replaying the glory days,
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50. knowing there's not going to be
a quick and easy...
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51. Answer to all my problems!
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52. Cool.
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53. I mean, jeez, look at that, they love him.
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54. This attention box.
It's exactly what I need.
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55. Oh! Yeah! Mm. Take that motherfucker.
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56. Ooh. Ooh. Hey!
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57. - Oh. Aah!
- Wow. Hey.
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58. You got quite an audience there.
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59. Can I have a turn?
Maybe just a tight five.
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60. Thanks a lot, Bread Boy,
you made me miss a step.
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61. No, I'm-I'm... Look, I'm sorry.
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62. Just, you know, I'm looking for an outlet
to share my gift with the world,
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63. and this just seems like a perfect format.
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64. Get your own
high-tech broadcasting system.
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65. This one's taken.
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66. You don't understand. I need this.
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67. No, you don't understand.
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68. This is my place,
and I don't give a shit what you need.
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69. I care about one thing and one thing only,
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70. - and that's this.
- No!
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71. Rage!
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72. Fucked with the wrong bagel.
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73. Wait!
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74. Hey, how about a round of applause
for my opening act,
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75. the injured cereal box.
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76. I'm back.
Okay, let's get this show on the road.
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77. Um... So my ex saw me having sex
with another food the other day,
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78. and, uh, I guess you'd have to say
I really was in a pickle.
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79. Do you think
this humey will eat one of his own?
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80. He said he's hungry, didn't he?
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81. It's not like we're gonna
feed him one of our own.
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82. So either he starves or...
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83. bon appé-feet!
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84. Hey! Watch it. What the...?
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85. - Well, shit, man.
- You all right?
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86. - No! Have you seen Pops?
- What Pops?
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87. That shifty old-timey Popsicle?
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88. I had a tooth in my pocket,
and he run up with a pick and stole it.
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89. He tooth pick-pocketed you?
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90. But-but-but foods
wouldn't steal from other foods.
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91. Yeah? Well, tell that to the motherfucker
what yoinked my shit!
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92. It's happening everywhere.
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93. Hey! Somebody stop her!
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94. Okay, hold on, all right?
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95. We don't know the full story there.
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96. I had a tooth and she stole it!
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97. Okay. Now we do.
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98. This is a problem.
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99. Shit, here comes another problem.
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100. Oh no, does he know what we did?
Is he coming to confront us?
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101. - I don't know. Just act natural.
- Okay...
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102. - Ow! What are you doing?
- I can't remember how to act naturally.
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103. You start by pinching me?
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104. Hey there, Barr.
That's not natural.
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105. Hey, guys. What you up to? Can I...
Can I hang out with you all day? Um...
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106. Uh... all day?
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107. Yeah, well, from, like, from now til
bedtime. I don't... I mean... What are
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108. - you guys carrying this foot around for?
- Oh, uh, nothing.
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109. I mean, we just... We just wanted this,
uh, this rolly shoe.
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110. Yeah, the foot's not important.
We just couldn't get it out.
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111. - I didn't even. I didn't see it there.
- Yeah.
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112. - Did you notice there was a foot in here?
- No, I just saw that just now.
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113. - Weird.
- Just leave it in there.
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114. I'll help you get it out of there. I know
a thing or two about this. Here we go.
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115. Oh!
- No, you don't have to.
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116. Once saved food society,
now I'm just some dumb schmuck
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117. pulling feet out of rolly shoes, right?
But that's what I've been reduced to.
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118. The only thing that makes it better is
knowing we'll be hanging out till bedtime.
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119. What the hell?
What does that even mean?
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120. - We can't hang out with him until bedtime.
- No, it's an absurd request.
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121. It's so specific.
We gotta get him off our backs.
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122. Frank, we can't just get rid of him.
Look how sad and lost he is.
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123. He has nothing. Not a thing.
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124. Hey, maybe you can actually help us
with a little something more pressing
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125. - and a lot more dangerous.
- What is it?
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126. Foods are stealing from each other.
We need a system to stop it.
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127. You're the only food
that is heroic enough to run it.
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128. Damn, that stiffened me right up.
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129. Yeah, looks like you gained
about an inch there.
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130. Ooh.
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131. Hey, you stealing?
Over my dead meat, baby.
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132. Hey, Frank, remind me
to introduce you to someone later.
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133. - Who?
- A problem we can't handle.
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134. Oh, wait, it doesn't exist.
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135. I know your frail bodies
require sustenance.
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136. So, here, we got you something to eat.
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137. Oh, my God!
I don't know how to thank you.
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138. I understand what a huge moral conundrum
this must have been for you, so...
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139. Not really. We kind of kicked
the moral conundrum over to you.
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140. Oh, and it's a lady's foot!
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141. I don't know why
that makes it worse, but it does.
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142. Wait, but if I don't eat it,
isn't that somehow more sexist?
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143. What am I talking myself into?
I can't eat a foot.
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144. Can't eat a foot.
What an asshole.
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145. Yeah, well, I bet you
could eat me though, right, huh?
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146. Could you bring yourself to do that?
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147. I, uh, don't know.
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148. Oh, you know. I bet just by looking at me,
you can remember what I taste like.
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149. - Brenda, take it easy.
- No! I bet this guy wants to eat me.
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150. Yeah? What?
Hey, you want to spread me open?
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151. Yeah. Squirt some mustard on me.
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152. Pop a radish on my head.
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153. Dunk me in a soda, smear me on
a watermelon slice, and then eat me?
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154. - Is that it?
- I would never do that.
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155. That flavor profile is insane!
Flavor profile.
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156. Did you hear that, Frank?
He's flavor profiling me.
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157. Okay, look, I'm sorry.
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158. A foot is just a lot
to wrap my head around.
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159. Maybe if you got me some fingers
I could fry them in oil or...
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160. Or... Oh, my God. Of course.
Of course, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
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161. Oil is a person to you.
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162. Oh, I didn't mean that.
I didn't mean that.
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163. Frank, let's bounce.
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164. Don't leave me here alone.
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165. Thought you wanted me to
help you create your food society.
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166. We're viewing you more as a rainy day
human, as in saving you for a rainy day.
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167. Or a bird day, or any day
we don't understand.
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168. But we don't need you right now.
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169. The last thing we want is our society
resembling your fucked up human society.
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170. We're doing things the food way.
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171. Okay, so I'm creating a task force
to patrol the streets
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172. and crack down on tooth theft.
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173. To all the volunteers,
when I call you by name,
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174. please step forward
and get your badge and cocktail sword,
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175. which will give you a sense
of irrational power that I know
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176. will not be a problem going forward.
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177. Chris Bologna.
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178. Kishka Hargitay.
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179. Hi, Kishka.
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180. Iced Tea.
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181. And all the rest.
Let's hit the streets!
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182. The juice is loose!
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183. All right, Cream, we know you're friends
with Pops. Where's he at?
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184. Yeah, all right. What do you want from me?
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185. I know lots of pops:
soda pops, ring pops, blow pops.
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186. - I even know a couple fucking lolli...
- Save it!
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187. You know which Pops we're talking about.
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188. "Icle," man. Pops-icle
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189. Ow! Hey, watch the tub, man.
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190. All right, look, he's over there.
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191. Stay cool, thanks for the tooth.
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192. Pops! Freeze!
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193. That's what I'm trying to do!
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194. Officers.
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195. Open the fuckin' door!
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196. Sorry, Pops. Party's over.
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197. Hey, where the hell you takin' me?
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198. Oh, wouldn't you like to know?
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199. What are we supposed to do with Pops
and the other foods we caught stealing?
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200. I got this one.
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201. Food Court is now in session.
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202. All y'all rise right now
for the Honorable Judge Rutabaga Ginsburg.
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203. We did it again.
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204. You're welcome, Foodtopia.
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205. Okay, our first case is
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206. Red Lentils versus Pops.
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207. - So, what's the problem?
- Pops' the one that stole my tooth.
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208. The ol' chopper-stealing bitch.
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209. Pops, is that accurate?
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210. - Sure is, and I'd do it again.
- No remorse.
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211. Don't worry, Frank. They caught
the bastard. The system's working.
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212. But you don't understand.
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213. It-it's not that cut and dry.
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214. Pops only did what he had to do.
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215. I was melting to death.
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216. Not just me. My young'uns: Cream, Fudge...
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217. the whole Icle family
on the brink of liquification.
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218. We needed a freezer and fast.
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219. But freezers ain't coming cheap
in ol' Foodtopia.
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220. That's why I had to steal
Red Lentils' tooth.
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221. This goddamn place
made me change who I was.
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222. And the worst part is,
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223. by the time I came back
with my ill-gotten tooth,
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224. every Icle in my family had melted anyway.
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225. I can still picture little Fudgey's face
sliding down the side of his body,
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226. splattin' all over the floor and my shoes.
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227. - Look.
- Shoes off the witness tray.
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228. Ugh. Sad to see,
but this is a food court of law,
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229. and much like the airtight
sealing on a jar of pickles,
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230. laws must never be broken.
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231. I hereby order Pops
to return the teeth to Red Lentils.
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232. Bay Leaf!
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233. If everyone has now finished gasping,
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234. the court will now hear
the case of Spritzer versus Romaine,
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235. who is accused
of stealing three baby teeth.
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236. Uh, are you noticing
a disturbing trend in all the foods
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237. that are on trial for stealing?
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238. Still plenty of fridge space to rent
in my spacious, six-shelf walk-in!
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239. Comes fully equipped with central cooling,
no natural light and butter shelf doorman.
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240. Don't have enough teeth for a fridge?
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241. We also sell cold water squares
for half the price.
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242. Or be the envy of all your food friends
when you hit the open road
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243. in your sleek new wind up or RC.
Batteries not included.
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244. The fuck? Are foods using teeth
to barter for goods?
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245. And services.
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246. - Move it!
- Hey, stop hogging the blow zone.
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247. What the hell is this?
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248. We got food slums now?
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249. And we're punishing foods
for stealing teeth.
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250. But it's like they're only doing that
because they need them to live.
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251. Oh, fuck. This is bad.
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252. I don't know what to do.
I'm spinnin' out.
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253. Is this something we should be
talking to the humey about?
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254. No, no, no, no. Frank. Frank...
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255. This isn't water from the sky or flying
monsters. We don't need the humey
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256. and we don't want to be infected
by his evil basic-bitch ideas.
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257. This is a food problem, and we
need to come up with a food solution.
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258. A "food-lution." See? Ha!
I just came up with a "food-lution"
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259. for the problem that "food" and "solution"
were too many goddamn words.
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260. - See? I just did it there.
- You're right. It's simple.
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261. Some foods have a lot of teeth,
some foods have none.
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262. So, we ask the foods, uh, who have a lot
to just give some to the foods that don't.
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263. Yeah, this is not remotely controversial.
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264. And every food is gonna be
on board with this.
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265. Great. How do we get the word out?
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266. Okay, how about this one?
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267. What do you call a noodle
that's trying to be something it's not?
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268. An im-pasta!
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269. That's the same joke structure
as the last one.
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270. You're the imposter.
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271. Hack!
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272. Hey, what are you...
Don't, don't leave in the middle.
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273. No, come on, Sammy, you're losin' 'em.
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274. You're losing them. Think, think, think.
How do I stay relevant?
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275. Sammy, we need you to deliver
a public service announcement
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276. that absolutely everyone has to hear.
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277. Ooh. Yeah.
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278. Good evening.
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279. I, of course, am Sammy Bagel.
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280. You know my first guests
from starting the revolution
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281. and most recently
creating our justice system.
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282. Frank and Brenda.
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283. Terrific. Yeah. No.
Frank, Brenda, love you kids.
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284. Now, I hear that you've got
a big announcement.
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285. Yes, we do.
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286. Basically, we have devised a system,
a pretty clever little system,
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287. which would take
a portion of everyone's teeth
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288. to ensure the foods
who don't have any are taken care of.
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289. Yeah. Okay...
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290. To demonstrate what we're talking about,
um, picture a pie.
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291. Or better yet,
let's bring her up on stage. Pie.
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292. Mm, ah, yes.
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293. I would just like to say hi
to my friend, Rhubarb. Hi, Barb.
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294. Okay, let's say Pie here represents
all the teeth a food had.
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295. - I'm Teeth.
- You sure are, Pie. Thanks for helping.
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296. So, as I was saying,
if you're a food that doesn't have a lot,
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297. we'd only take, like,
this big a slice of your teeth.
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298. - That's not a lot.
- Exactly.
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299. Seriously, stop that. I don't...
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300. You shouldn't be commenting.
You're just a prop.
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301. And if you have
way more teeth than you need,
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302. you'll pay, like, this big a slice.
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303. Which is significant.
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304. But you will notice there's still
quite a sizable slice of Pie's body left.
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305. Boo!
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306. Oh, whoa, whoa, what?
Boo!
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307. Wait. No, stop it. Do I hear a boo?
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308. Is someone booing? Who's the booer?
Boo, boo, boo. Boo!
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309. Okay, you, sir.
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310. You seem to have a problem
with the share-sies plan?
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311. Yeah. I'm Julius, and I got a problem.
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312. They don't believe in food.
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313. What? We started the revolution!
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314. We believe in food.
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315. I was there for that!
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316. - She's right!
- Well, it doesn't sound like it.
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317. You want to give everyone handouts
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318. 'cause you think we're too weak
to figure it out for ourselves.
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319. - Yeah.
- Come on. What the fuck?
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320. - Yeah, what the fuck?
- No, that's not what we're saying.
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321. Hey, stand up, sir. Talk into the mic.
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322. This is your chance
to speak directly to Frank and Brenda.
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323. After the war, you said foods were free
to do whatever we want,
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324. and now you're telling us what to do.
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325. So, which is it?
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326. - Uh, both?
- No way!
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327. You lie!
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328. Hey, can I ask you guys a question? Yeah.
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329. Are you better off now
than you were four days ago?
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330. - I'm not.
- I'm doing much worse.
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331. Then why are we even listening
to them in the first place?
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332. - Yeah.
- Who put them in charge?
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333. I didn't. Did you?
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334. - Not me.
- No!
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335. - No.
- Yeah, what the fuck?
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336. You think you should be in charge?
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337. No, I think we should be
in charge of who's in charge.
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338. - Yeah!
- He's fuckin' right.
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339. If my fellow foods were to choose me...
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340. I would sure as shit
do a better job than you.
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341. Yeah.
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342. Julius! Julius! Julius!
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343. Someone call the Watermelon,
'cause this is getting juicy.
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344. So, what do you say?
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345. Do you think, uh, my old friends
Frank and Brenda should be in charge?
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346. Fuck no!
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347. Or... do think my audience member Julius
should be in charge?
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348. Well, tune in next time
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349. where the winner will be chosen
exclusively on my show,
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350. Arguments, hosted by
your favorite bagel, Sammy.
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351. Hey, great job, you two.
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352. Great show.
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353. What do you mean, great show?
You completely fucked us.
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354. Wait, what? I don't understand.
Everyone in town was watching you.
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355. I'm-I'm totally perplexed
how you could view that
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356. as anything other than tremendous.
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357. Look at that. They love me.
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358. Excuse me while I go canoodle
with some canned noodles.
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359. Ciao for now.
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360. What just happened?
That was a fucking disaster.
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361. Any food-lutions
for how we solve this problem?
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362. Well, not at the moment,
but could be worse. Right?
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363. How?
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364. Think you can run from Barry?
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365. Stop... stop struggling.
I do not want to squish you.
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366. What the fuck?
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367. Well...
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368. I guess that seals it.
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369. I'm a cannibal now.
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