Saturday Night Live 41x21

1. > WELL, BARTENDER, I'VE DONE

2. IT MANY I'VE WON THE NOMINATION.

3. NO, I HAVEN'T.

4. I KEEP LOSING STATES.

5. MATHEMATICALLY I'VE DONE IT.

6. TO MATH.

7. ALL RIGHT, I THINK I'M GOING TO

8. HEAD HOME.

9. DON'T YOU WORK TOO LATE NOW

10. ABOUT.

11. I WON'T.

12. I'M ACTUALLY CLOSING UP THE BAR

13. RIGHT NOW.

14. SO EVERYBODY'S GOT TO GO.

15. THAT MEANS YOU TOO SIR.

16. NO FREAKIN' WAY.

17. I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

18. I CAN STAY HERE AS LONG AS I

19. WANT.

20. SENATOR SANDERS, I'M SORRY,

21. BUT THE NIGHT IS OVER.

22. NO, NO, IT'S NOT OVER.

23. IT'S NOT OVER UNTIL I SAY IT'S

24. OVER.

25. OH, HELLO BERNIE.

26. I DIDN'T SEE YOU SITTING BEHIND

27. ME.

28. SO FAR BEHIND ME YOU COULD NEVER

29. CATCH UP.

30. YOU SAW ME.

31. YOU SAW ME IN YOUR SLEEP, BABY.

32. I'M YOU'RE WORST NIGHTMARE.

33. MY WORST NIGHTMARE IS A

34. MANDATORY SPA DAY AND YOU KNOW

35. IT.

36. MINE IS WAITING OVER AN HOUR

37. AT LENS CRAFTERS.

38. OH, BERNIE, IT'S ALWAYS JUST

39. SO FINE TO SEE YOU.

40. I LOVE YOUR SUIT BY THE WAY, IT

41. LOOKS OLD.

42. AND I LIKE YOUR SUIT, IT

43. LOOKS LIKE YOU WERE JUST ELECTED

44. TO THE GALACTIC COUNCIL.

45. EXCUSE ME, BARTENDER, DO YOU

46. MIND IF I HAVE JUST ONE MORE

47. DRINK WITH MY OLD, VERY OLD,

48. KIND OF DANGEROUSLY OLD FRIEND

49. BERNIE FP.

50. SURE, MRS. CLINTON.

51. WHAT CAN I GET FOR YOU?

52. I'LL HAVE A BEER, SOMETHING

53. PEOPLE ARE FLOCKING TO.

54. SOMETHING THAT DRAWS HUGE

55. CROWDS.

56. AND I'LL HAVE WHATEVER BEER

57. NO ONE LIKES BUT GETS THE JOB

58. DONE.

59. BERNIE, YOU SHOULD BE PROUD,

60. YOU RAN A GOOD CAMPAIGN.

61. I'M REASONING A GOOD

62. CAMPAIGN.

63. DON'T WORRY, I PROMISE I'M

64. GOING TO HAVE A SPECIAL ROLE FOR

65. YOU IN MY ADMINISTRATION.

66. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE THE

67. SENATOR FROM VERMONT?

68. OH, HILLARY, I'LL MISS THAT

69. LACK OF CHARM.

70. I'LL MISS YOUR DEAL TOO.

71. I HAVE TO MOVE ON, THAT'S WHY I

72. STARTED TO MOVE ON TO THE

73. GENERAL.

74. I SAW THE PIVOT.

75. NOT TOO FOND OF THE PIVOT.

76. WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING PIVOT.

77. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, YOU HAVE

78. TO ADMIT, WE'VE HAD SOME GOOD

79. TIMES, YOU AND I.

80. IT'S TRUE.

81. REMEMBER WHEN I TOLD EVERYONE TO

82. STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR DAMN

83. E-MAILS?

84. WHAT A SCHMUCK.

85. I KNOW.

86. THAT COULD HAVE TAKEN ME DOWN.

87. I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW.

88. I'M SO STUPID.

89. SO STUPID.

90. I DO NOT LIKE HUMOR, BUT THAT

91. WAS FUNNY.

92. AND REMEMBER ALL THOSE STATES

93. LIKE WYOMING WHERE YOU BEAT ME

94. BY A LOT AND I GOT ALL THE

95. DELEGATES.

96. I WAS SO STUPID.

97. IT'S RIGGED.

98. IT'S SO RIGGED.

99. TO DEBBIE WASSERMAN-SCHULTZ.

100. TO DEBBIE.

101. LISTEN, HILLARY.

102. THIS MIGHT BE THE BEER TALKING,

103. BUT CAN I TELL YOU A SECRET?

104. OKAY.

105. YOU KNOW HOW I CONSTANTLY

106. RAIL AGAINST THE UPPER CLASS?

107. YES.

108. WELL, SOMETIMES WHEN I GO TO

109. SLEEP AT NIGHT, I DREAM ABOUT

110. BEING A FANCY MILLIONAIRE OR

111. BILLIONAIRE.

112. REALLY?

113. YEAH.

114. AND IN MY DREAM I WEAR A

115. FANCY HAT.

116. I SAY FANCY THINGS LIKE, I'LL

117. HAVE A TUNA SANDWICH ON A

118. CROISSANT.

119. CAN I TELL YOU A SECRET?

120. SURE.

121. I'VE NEVER TOLD ANYONE THIS.

122. BUT YOU KNOW THE PRESIDENCY.

123. YEAH.

124. I REALLY, REALLY WANT IT.

125. YOU DON'T SAY.

126. YEAH, AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE?

127. I DON'T REALLY LIKE PEOPLE.

128. I ONLY TALK TO THEM BECAUSE I

129. WANT TO BE THE PRESIDENT SO BAD.

130. PLEASE DON'T TELL, DON'T TELL.

131. I THINK THEY KNOW.

132. OH, BERNIE, YOU KNOW.

133. WE ARE MORTAL ENEMIES, BUT I

134. REALLY ADMIRE YOU.

135. SO WHAT DO YOU SAY?

136. WILL YOU DANCE WITH ME?

137. I'M NOT GOING TO DANCE WITH

138. YOU.

139. I'LL GIVE YOU THREE SUPER

140. DELEGATES.

141. YEAH, LET'S DANCE.

142. AND I'LL LEAD.

143. NEVER.

144. ♪♪♪

145. ♪♪♪

146. ♪♪♪

147. HEY, HILLARY, MAY I CUT IN?

148. NO.

149. BEAT IT, BILL.

150. ♪♪♪

151. ♪♪♪

152. WELL, THAT WAS FUN WHILE IT

153. LASTED.

154. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

155. "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."

156. IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."

157. ♪♪♪

158. WITH —

159. VANESSA BAYER.

160. BECK BENNETT.

161. AIDY BRYANT.

162. COLIN JOST.

163. TARAN KILLAM.

164. KATE McKINNON.

165. KYLE MOONEY.

166. BOBBY MOYNIHAN.

167. JAY PHAROAH.

168. CECILY STRONG.

169. KENAN THOMPSON.

170. SASHEER ZAMADA.

171. FEATURING —

172. MICHAEL CHE.

173. PETE DAVIDSON.

174. LESLIE JONES.

175. JOHN RUDNITSKY.

176. MUSICAL GUEST, COURTNEY BARNETT.

177. AND YOUR HOST, FRED ARMISEN.

178. LADIES AND

179. GENTLEMEN, FRED ARMISEN.

180. THANK YOU.

181. THANK YOU.

182. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

183. I AM SO HAPPY TO BE STANDING ON

184. THIS STAGE HOSTING "SATURDAY

185. NIGHT LIVE."

186. THE FINALE.

187. AND IT'S NOT JUST THE SEASON

188. FINALE, THIS IS THE LAST ONE

189. EVER.

190. SNL IS A VERY IMPORTANT PLACE TO

191. ME.

192. I GOT MY START HERE, I GREW UP

193. HERE, I OWE EVERYTHING TO THIS

194. PLACE.

195. WHICH IS — YES, YES.

196. WHICH IS WHY FOR THE PAST SIX

197. MONTHS I'VE BEEN DOING THIS ONE

198. MAN SHOW ABOUT MY TIME AT THIS

199. INCREDIBLE INSTITUTION, IT'S

200. CALLED "LOVE FROM NEW YORK, I

201. DID SATURDAY'S RIGHT."

202. AND IF YOU GUYS DON'T MIND, I'D

203. LIKE TO PERFORM PART OF IT FOR

204. YOU.

205. WHAT DO YOU THINK?

206. I'M GOING TO DO A SCENE ABOUT MY

207. AUDITION, IT'S ABOUT 2:40 LONG.

208. I'M JUST GOING TO CHANGE MY

209. JACKET.

210. ♪♪♪

211. HEY, EVERYBODY.

212. LOOK WHO IT IS.

213. FUNNY FREDDIE.

214. HE THINKS HE'S GOING TO TELL

215. JOKES FOR A LIVING.

216. HEY, FREDDIE.

217. YOU'RE FUNNY ALL RIGHT, FUNNY

218. LOOKING.

219. GROWING UP ON LONG ISLAND —

220. — NO ONE EVER GAVE ME MUCH

221. OF A CHANCE OF MAKING IT BIG IN

222. SHOW BUSINESS.

223. WHY DO YOU WANT TO BE A

224. COMEDIAN, FREDDIE.

225. COME WORK WITH ME AT A PIZZA

226. PARLOR.

227. MA WANTED ME TO SETTLE DOWN.

228. WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO FIND A

229. NICE GIRL, FREDDIE.

230. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

231. THE TRUTH WAS, I DIDN'T KNOW

232. WHAT I WAS WAITING FOR, UNTIL

233. ONE DAY THE PHONE RANG.

234. RING RING, RING RING.

235. THE FUNNY THING ABOUT A PHONE

236. CALL IS, YOU NEVER KNOW WHO'S

237. GOING TO ANSWER IT.

238. IT COULD BE YOUR AUNT, YOUR

239. GRANDMOTHER, AN OLD FRIEND.

240. A WRONG NUMBER.

241. BUT THIS, THIS WAS THE CALL THAT

242. CHANGED MY LIFE.

243. HELLO?

244. WHAT?

245. "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"?

246. YOU WANT ME TO AUDITION?

247. THIS BETTER NOT BE A JOKE.

248. AND IT WASN'T A JOKE.

249. IT WAS THE REALEST THING THAT

250. HAPPENED IN MY LIFE.

251. AFTER I PACKED MY SUITCASE, I

252. RAN TO THE TRAIN STATION SO

253. FAST, I SWEAR MY FEET DIDN'T

254. TOUCH THE GROUND.

255. LOOK AT FUNNY FREDDIE GO.

256. HE'LL BE BACK FUNNY FREDDIE.

257. NOBODY MAKES IT OUT OF THIS

258. TOWN.

259. I COULDN'T HEAR THEM.

260. BECAUSE I PUT ON MY HEADPHONES

261. AND I WAS LISTENING TO "NEW YORK

262. NEW YORK" BY THE CHAIRMAN

263. HIMSELF, FRANK SINATRA.

264. I COULDN'T AFFORD THE RIGHTS TO

265. THAT SONG, I HAVE TO DO A SOUND

266. A LIKE.

267. IF YOU DON'T MIND.

268. ♪ NEW YORK CITY, LIVIN' IN NEW

269. YORK CITY ♪

270. THE NEXT THING I KNEW, WE

271. WERE PULLING INTO 30 ROCKEFELLER

272. PLAZA.

273. AND I'M ON THIS STAGE DOING MY

274. AUDITION.

275. I HIT HIM WITH THE LIBERACE.

276. I'M A BAD BOY.

277. AND THEN RINGO.

278. PEACE AND LOVE, PEACE AND LOVE.

279. AND THEN I FINISH IT OFF WITH

280. PRINCE.

281. WHEN IT'S OVER, I FLOAT ON

282. THE STAGE.

283. MY FEET DIDN'T EVEN TOUCH THE

284. GROUND.

285. AN NBC PAGE WALKED UP TO ME.

286. MR. LORNE MICHAELS WOULD LIKE TO

287. SEE YOU.

288. THE LORNE MICHAELS?

289. BEFORE I KNOW IT, I'M SITTING IN

290. HIS OFFICE.

291. THE WALLS ARE LINED WITH

292. PICTURES OF HIM.

293. A FEW FROM THE '70s, A FEW FROM

294. THE '80s.

295. NONE OF THEM FROM THE PAST TEN

296. YEARS.

297. I DON'T KNOW IF I'M SUPPOSED TO

298. TALK OR HE IS.

299. FINALLY HE BREAKS HIS SILENCE.

300. YOU'RE VERY FUNNY, AND I

301. THINK YOU HAVE A BRIGHT FUTURE.

302. HE SOUNDED EXACTLY THE WAY I

303. ALWAYS THOUGHT HE WOULD.

304. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO WORK

305. HERE?

306. I WALKED OUTSIDE IN A DAZE.

307. I GRABBED THE FIRST PERSON I

308. COULD SEE.

309. IS THIS A DREAM?

310. IS THIS A DREAM?

311. IS THIS A DREAM?

312. IS THIS A DREAM?

313. IS THIS A DREAM?

314. IS THIS A DREAM?

315. YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO ANSWER.

316. IS THIS A DREAM?

317. IS THIS A DREAM?

318. IS THIS A DREAM?

319. I'M ASKING YOU, IS THIS A DREAM?

320. YOU'RE RUINING IT, SORRY.

321. I TAKE THE TRAIN HOME, AND I

322. SWEAR THE WHALES DIDN'T EVEN

323. TOUCH THE TRACKS.

324. AS I GOT OFF, I LOOKED AROUND MY

325. TOWN AND I THOUGHT, I DON'T EVEN

326. LIVE HERE ANY MORE.

327. BUT THEN I HEARD A VOICE, HEY,

328. FUNNY FREDDIE.

329. OH, NO, THOSE TWO GUYS WHO NEVER

330. BELIEVED IN ME, THEY ALWAYS GAVE

331. ME A HARD TIME.

332. HEY, FUNNY FREDDIE.

333. WHAT?

334. WHAT DO YOU WANT?

335. WE'RE PROUD OF YOU.

336. THAT'S THE FIRST TIME I

337. THOUGHT, I'M GOING TO MISS THIS

338. PLACE.

339. YEAH, I'M GOING TO MISS THIS

340. PLACE.

341. THE CRITICS SAID THIS PART IS

342. TOO LONG, BUT I LIKE IT.

343. OKAY, DIM THE LIGHTS NOW.

344. NOT SO FAST.

345. NOT QUICK.

346. SLOW.

347. NOT TO 22, DO 24.

348. THERE WE GO.

349. OKAY.

350. BRING THEM BACK UP A LITTLE BIT.

351. NOW BACK DOWN.

352. DOWN, DOWN, DOWN, DOWN, OUT,

353. OUT, OUT.

354. DOWN.

355. OKAY, FULLY UP, RIGHT BACK UP.

356. AND THERE WE ARE.

357. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

358. THANK YOU.

359. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

360. THIS IS DEFINITELY THE NEXT

361. HAMILTON.

362. WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU

363. TONIGHT.

364. COURTNEY BARNETT IS HERE.

365. STICK AROUND, WE'LL BE RIGHT

366. BACK.

367. > OKAY, CLASS, SETTLE DOWN,

368. NOW.

369. NOW, WE'VE BEEN LEARNING A LOT

370. ABOUT WESTERN EXPANSION.

371. WELL, GUESS WHAT, LAST NIGHT I

372. WAS AT AN ITALIAN RESTAURANT

373. HAVING A GLASS OF WINE AND A

374. LOVELY MEAT BALL SALAD.

375. AND THE TABLE RIGHT NEXT TO ME

376. HAD SOME ACTORS FROM THE ALBANY

377. EDUCATION THEATER FESTIVAL.

378. THEY WERE DOING A NEW SHOW ABOUT

379. LEWIS & CLARK.

380. HOW EXCITING IS THAT?

381. SO I ASKED THEM TO COME PERFORM

382. FOR YOU, AND THEY SAID YES.

383. COME IN, GUYS.

384. GREAT LOOKING CLASS.

385. WE ARE THREE OF THE ACTORS

386. FROM THE SHOW "LEWIS AMPERSAND

387. CLARK."

388. I'M PLAYING LEWIS, MY NAME IS

389. DAVID PAUL.

390. WHERE DO I START?

391. WE'RE BOTH CURIOUS AND ATHLETIC

392. OUTDOORS MEN.

393. IF YOU SAW ME IN LONG SHORTS AND

394. A TANK TOP, YOU'LL KNOW EXACTLY

395. WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, RIGHT

396. YOUNG LADY?

397. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

398. WE HEARD A LOT ABOUT LEWIS,

399. WHAT ABOUT CLARK?

400. I'M JOHNNY GRANDE.

401. I'LL BE PLAYING THE ROLE OF

402. TRUSTY SIDEKICK CLARK.

403. SOLDIER, EXPLORER, POLITICIAN

404. AND BOO, SLAVE OWNER.

405. BUT REMEMBER, GUYS, NOBODY

406. KNEW IT WAS BAD BACK THEN.

407. HI, I'M HARRIET WALL.

408. YOU PROBABLY KNOW ME BY MY STAGE

409. NAME.

410. I'M GOING TO PLAY SAKAJAWEYA.

411. FEEL FREE TO LAUGH, CRY OR

412. SIMPLY ENJOY SOME SCREAMING OUT.

413. WE DON'T WANT TO TELL YOU HOW TO

414. FEEL.

415. JUST PLEASE DON'T TOUCH.

416. OKAY, EVERYONE.

417. GET READY TO TIME TRAVEL BACK TO

418. 1803.

419. ♪♪♪

420. WHERE ARE YOU TAKING US?

421. WE GO UP MORE.

422. UP MOUNTAIN.

423. WHAT'S WRONG, LEWIS?

424. THIS IS DRIVING ME MAD.

425. I KNOW, THE COLD IS COLDER

426. THAN ANY COLD I'VE KNOWN BEFORE.

427. NOT THAT.

428. MY MANLY URGES.

429. ISN'T SHE DRIVING YOU CRAZY?

430. I NEED SEX.

431. WITH SAKAJO?

432. I WON'T LIE, I GUESS I HAVE

433. THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

434. PERHAPS WE SHOULD HINT AT THE

435. THREE OF US LAYING WITH EACH

436. OTHER.

437. AS LONG AS YOU MAKE IT CLEAR

438. THAT SHE IS THE ONE IN THE

439. MIDDLE.

440. I WAS HOPING I'D BE IN THE

441. MIDDLE AND SHE'D BE ON THE

442. RIGHT.

443. WHERE AM I, AGAIN?

444. STOP.

445. I SENSE EVIL SPIRITS.

446. I MUST DRIVE THEM AWAY WITH THE

447. DANCE OF MY ANCESTORS.

448. IS THIS OKAY FOR US TO WATCH?

449. YES.

450. STICK TO THE PLAN.

451. I NEED TO STOP YOU RIGHT

452. THERE.

453. BECAUSE IT'S JUST BREATHTAKING.

454. AND I AM VERY MOVED.

455. I THINK I BETTER GO BACK OVER

456. THERE BEFORE I START CRYING.

457. DON'T APOLOGIZE, WE LOVE

458. FEEDBACK.

459. SKIP AHEAD.

460. WE MAKE IT THROUGH THE

461. CONTINENTAL DIVIDE, AND GO ALL

462. THE WAY TO THE PACIFIC COAST.

463. BUT WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?

464. LET'S GO BACK AND SEE.

465. WE MADE IT.

466. NOW WE CAN DO THAT THING WE

467. WERE TALKING ABOUT.

468. YES.

469. SHOULD I GET DOWN ON THE GROUND?

470. YES, AND I WILL GET ON TOP OF

471. YOU.

472. SAKAJAWEYA WILL LAY OFF TO OUR

473. RIGHT.

474. NO, THIS IS NOT WHAT I

475. WANTED.

476. LEWIS, I TOLD YOU HOW THIS HAD

477. TO GO DOWN FOR ME TO BE OKAY

478. WITH EVERYTHING.

479. IT'S THE SAME THING.

480. IT FEELS EXACTLY THE SAME.

481. SHE'LL BE RIGHT NEARBY.

482. JUST LAY ON THIS ROCK PART.

483. NO, STOP, LEWIS, GET OFF.

484. GET OFF.

485. IS THIS PART OF THE PLAY OR

486. IS IT REALLY HAPPENING?

487. KIDS, BE QUIET AND HAVE SOME

488. RESPECT FOR OUR GUESTS.

489. LOOK MY EYES WHILE HE LAY ON

490. YOU.

491. NO.

492. PRETEND IT IS ME.

493. LISTEN TO HER, SHE HAS

494. ANCIENT WISDOM.

495. IT'S TRUE.

496. OKAY CLASS, I'M SORRY, THEY

497. WERE JUST ABOUT TO DO IT.

498. WE HAVE TO STOP HERE.

499. THE KIDS HAVE THEIR LUNCH BREAK.

500. JORDAN, DON'T YOU WANT TO GO

501. EAT?

502. NO, NO, I'M FINALLY ENGAGED

503. WITH LEARNING.

504. WE'RE FINALLY GETTING THROUGH

505. TO SOMEONE.

506. TAKE IT HOME, FELLAS.

507. TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF.

508. NO KISSING.

509. ARE YOU CRYING AS HARD AS I

510. AM?

511. ♪♪♪

512. ♪ FINEST GIRL I EVER MET IN MY

513. WHOLE LIFE WANT TO TAKE HER

514. HOME — KNEW SHE WAS A FREAK

515. WHEN SHE STARTED TALKING ♪

516. SHE SAID ME

517. WE'RE BIN LADEN OOH ♪

518. ♪ THAT GIRL WAS A FREAK

519. SHE SAID SHE WANT ME TO

520. HER HARDER

521. THAN THE MILITARY ♪

522. ♪ BIN LADEN

523. BIN LADEN

524. BIN LADEN

525. SHE WANTED TO ME ♪

526. ♪ HARDER THAN THE

527. U.S. GOVERNMENT

528. BIN LADEN ♪

529. ♪ SHE WAS A FREAKY

530. OF GIRL KEPT UP WITH CURRENT

531. EVENTS FROM ALL AROUND

532. THE WORLD ♪

533. ♪ MORE SPECIFICALLY

534. ONE EVENT THAT TIME

535. OSAMA BIN LADEN GOT

536. SHOT IN THE HEAD ♪

537. ♪ SHE SAID DO ME LIKE THAT

538. BUT I COULDN'T TRACK THE

539. METAPHOR THAT SAID I CAN SEE

540. YOU'RE HORNY ♪

541. ♪ LIKE A STEGOSAUR

542. THAT SAID AGAIN YOUR REQUEST

543. IS SO IRREGULAR

544. SHE PUT ON A BEARD ♪

545. ♪ I STARTED LOOKING AT

546. THE EXIT DOOR

547. THEN A TURBAN THEN A TUNIC

548. SHE SAID INVADE MY CAVE ♪

549. ♪ WITH YOUR SPECIAL UNIT

550. I SAID HE WASN'T IN A CAVE

551. BUT THERE WAS NO STOPPIN

552. SHE DEMANDED THAT I ♪

553. ♪ HER LIKE WE

554. BIN LADEN

555. BIN LADEN

556. BIN LADEN ♪

557. ♪ SHE WANTED TO

558. HARDER THAN THE

559. U.S. GOVERNMENT

560. BIN LADEN ♪

561. ♪ THIS GIRL REQUESTED

562. INTERCOURSE TO BRING HER

563. TO CLIMAX WITH THE CLINICAL

564. EFFICIENCY OF THE ♪

565. ♪ ASSASSINATION OF BIN LADEN

566. YOU'RE HARBORING A FUGITIVE

567. THAT ASS

568. AND MY JUSTICE WILL ♪

569. ♪ BE PUNITIVE I'M A SMASH

570. NIGHT VISION THEY CAN SEE

571. US THROUGH MY GOPRO ♪

572. ♪ SHE TRIED TO NEGOTIATE

573. I SAID THAT'S A NO-NO

574. NOW I'M CREEPIN IN HER

575. BEDROOM LIKE ♪

576. ♪ SHE TELLS ME TO GO LOW

577. THEN LOOKS DOWN AND SAYS

578. I GOT A

579. TERRORIZER ♪

580. ♪ TERRORIZE HER ♪

581. ♪ SO I IMPROVISED ♪

582. THE PRESIDENT CALLED HE SAID

583. CONGRATULATIONS CONNER

584. I SAID MR. PRESIDENT ♪

585. ♪ TO WHAT DO I OWE

586. THIS HONOR

587. HE SAID COME GIVE ME

588. THE DEETS ♪

589. ♪ IN THE WHITE HOUSE GARDEN

590. I GOTS TO KNOW HOW YOU

591. HER LIKE WE

592. BIN LADEN ♪

593. ♪ BIN LADEN

594. BIN LADEN ♪

595. ♪ STILL CAN'T SAY THAT I

596. SEE THE APPEAL BUT SHE WANTED

597. ME TO HER LIKE WE

598. BIN LADEN ♪

599. DAMN.

600. THE WHOLE THING WAS JUST A

601. VIRTUAL REALITY EXPERIENCE.

602. > SO I'M JUST SHOVING MY KEY

603. IN THE CAR DOOR.

604. AND THIS LADY WALKS UP AND SHE'S

605. LIKE, THAT'S MY SUBARU.

606. OH, NO.

607. THAT IS HILARIOUS.

608. SHE'S LYING, THAT ALL

609. SO HAPPENED TO HER FRIEND.

610. SO WHERE'S MICHAEL?

611. HE'S STILL COMING, RIGHT?

612. I HOPE SO, THIS WHOLE PARTY

613. WAS TO MEET HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND.

614. I HOPE SHE'S BETTER THAN

615. JESSICA.

616. I KNOW, SHE'S THE WORST.

617. I'M VERY VERY SORRY WE'RE

618. LATE, BUT HERE SHE IS, ISN'T IS

619. GREAT?

620. THANKS FOR HAVING US, I'M

621. REGINE.

622. COME, SIT DOWN, WE'VE HEARD

623. SO MUCH ABOUT YOU.

624. IT'S SO NICE TO MEET YOU.

625. IT'S NICE OF WHO TO MEET ME.

626. AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT?

627. ISN'T SHE BEAUTIFUL, NO

628. PLASTIC SURGERY, THIS IS ALL

629. GOD.

630. GOD.

631. YES, REGINE'S A POLLY THEIST.

632. ONE OF THE THINGS I LOVE ABOUT

633. HER.

634. ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE ME A

635. NECK KISS?

636. WATCH WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I

637. KISS HER NECK.

638. WATCH.

639. DID YOU SEE THAT?

640. I SAW SOMETHING.

641. SO WHAT WERE YOU TALKING

642. ABOUT BEFORE WE GOT HERE?

643. THE ECONOMIC BREAKDOWN IN

644. VENEZUELA?

645. NOT EXACTLY.

646. OH, WHY NOT?

647. REGINE IS VERY GLOBALLY

648. CONSCIENCE, SHE'S TAUGHT ME A

649. LOT.

650. WATCH WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I BLOW

651. IN HER EAR.

652. DON'T.

653. YOU GUYS NOTICE ANYTHING THAT

654. TIME?

655. I NOTICE HOW TENSE MY

656. SHOULDERS ARE RIGHT NOW.

657. WE'RE BEING RUDE, PLEASE HAVE

658. SOME CHAMPAGNE.

659. WE'RE CELEBRATING TONIGHT.

660. MOET, WOW!

661. WHAT ARE YOU CELEBRATING,

662. AVERAGENESS?

663. NO, SHE'S JOKING.

664. REGINE HAS A VERY REFINED

665. PALLET.

666. AS WELL AS SENSE OF HUMOR.

667. WATCH WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I TICKLE

668. HER BEHIND HER KNEE.

669. COME HERE, YOU.

670. YEAH, YEAH.

671. IS SHE OKAY?

672. OH, YEAH.

673. SHE'S OKAY.

674. SHE'S MORE THAN OKAY.

675. HER BODY IS LIKE A HARP THAT

676. ONLY I KNOW HOW TO PLAY.

677. AND ONLY MY TOUCH IS WHAT SHE

678. REPONDS TO.

679. THERE IT IS.

680. YOU KNOW, HER FOOT IS IN THE

681. GUACAMOLE.

682. DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T

683. MATTER, MAKES IT BETTER.

684. I'M FINE WITH THAT.

685. DOESN'T BOTHER ME.

686. CAN I ORDER A DRINK, PLEASE?

687. ORDER.

688. I'LL HAVE A MANHATTAN,

689. STRAIGHT UP.

690. OH, I LOVE THOSE.

691. OH, THEN NEVER MIND YOU

692. RUINED IT.

693. A FRENCHLY CORE OF ANY KIND?

694. WE DON'T HAVE THAT.

695. THEN YOU'RE NOT READY FOR

696. GUESTS.

697. EVERYONE, I WOULD LOVE TO

698. MAKE A — PROPOSE A TOAST TO

699. REGINE.

700. HONEY, YOU WANT TO SIT ON MY LAP

701. DURING THIS?

702. NO, NO, NO, LET'S DO, REVERSE

703. COWGIRL, THERE WE GO.

704. DO YOU MIND IF I SCRATCH YOUR

705. HEAD, YOUR SCALP WHILE I DO IT.

706. OH, DON'T.

707. HERE WE GO.

708. MY DEAR REGINE, YOU HAVE

709. SPOKEN MY MIND.

710. I HOPE YOU DO THE SAME TO MY

711. FRIENDS.

712. YOU ARE LIKE A HOT MONA LISA IS

713. SHE WAS DRAWN OR PAINTED WITH

714. HER MOUTH WIDE OPEN.

715. THAT SMIRK THAT ALL US HUMAN

716. BEINGS HATE, RIGHT?

717. TO REGINE.

718. OKAY, IS THERE ANY MORE FOOD?

719. I NEED TO GET SOMETHING DOWN MY

720. THROAT TO FIGHT WHAT IS COMING

721. UP.

722. NO, NO, NO, NO.

723. HERE, TRY THE FLAT BREAD PIZZA.

724. PLATT BREAD PIZZA, WHAT ARE

725. WE, IN LINE AT LEGOLAND, NO

726. THANK YOU.

727. REGINE, IF YOU ARE HAVING

728. SUCH A BAD TIME, THEN MAYBE YOU

729. SHOULD JUST GO.

730. HEY!

731. NO.

732. LOOK, IF YOU'RE NOT CAPABLE,

733. YOU, YOU, YOU AND YOU.

734. YOU'RE NOT CAPABLE OF

735. APPRECIATING HOW SPECIAL AND

736. REMARKABLE REGINE IS?

737. MAYBE WE SHOULD GO.

738. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

739. WE'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

740. THIS NIGHT IS GOING TO BE LONG.

741. AND WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT

742. FILMS AND BOOKS AND OUTSIDER

743. ART, BECAUSE I'M IN LOVE WITH

744. THIS MAN.

745. SO NOW I'M IN YOUR LIFE.

746. NOW, WATCH WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I

747. REST MY HAND ON HIS UPPER BUTT.

748. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

749. OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH!

750. ♪♪♪

751. > SIT DOWN.

752. AS YOU ALL KNOW, MR. BUNTING

753. WILL NO LONGER BE TEACHING HERE

754. AT WINDERMERE.

755. AS YOUR PRINCIPAL, I WILL BE

756. TAKING OVER THIS CLASS UNTIL THE

757. END OF THE YEAR.

758. MR. DALTON, WILL YOU PLEASE TELL

759. ME WHERE YOU LEFT OFF IN THE

760. TEXTBOOK?

761. MR. ROONEY?

762. SINCE MR. DALTON CANNOT BE

763. BOTHERED WHERE DID YOU LEAVE

764. OFF?

765. WE KIND OF SKIPPED AROUND A

766. BIT.

767. FINE.

768. THEN WE WILL START FROM THE

769. BEGINNING.

770. MR. —

771. EXCUSE ME.

772. I CAME TO COLLECT MY PERSONALS.

773. SHOULD I COME BACK AFTER CLASS?

774. GET THEM NOW, MR. BUNTING.

775. MR. KELLOGG, CONTINUE.

776. PLEASE READ FROM PAGE ONE.

777. WE HAVE RIPPED OUT ALL THE

778. PAGES, SIR.

779. TURNED THEM INTO HATS.

780. THEN YOU CAN BORROW MINE.

781. NOW, READ.

782. POETRY SHOULD NOT BE FUN.

783. IT SHOULD BE OPPRESSIVE AND THE

784. READER SHOULD HATE IT.

785. POEMS ARE FROM 100 YEARS AGO.

786. THEY WERE WRITTEN BY A BUNCH OF

787. DEAD MEN TO PUNISH CHILDREN, THE

788. ARTS IN GENERAL ARE FOR WOMEN

789. AND HOMOSEXUALS.

790. WHEN YOU READ A POEM, YOU SHOULD

791. NEVER FEEL EMOTION.

792. IN SUMMARY, POEMS STINK.

793. MR. BUNTING, WE DIDN'T WANT

794. YOU TO GET FIRED, THEY MADE US

795. SIGN THAT PAPER.

796. SIT DOWN, MR. DALTON!

797. IT'S OKAY.

798. LEAVE, MR. BUNTING, RIGHT

799. NOW.

800. ♪♪♪

801. I SING MY SONG FOR ALL TO

802. HEAR.

803. SIT DOWN THIS INSTANT.

804. I SING MY SONG FOR ALL TO

805. HEAR.

806. I WILL HAVE YOU BOTH EXPELLED

807. IF YOU DO NOT SIT DOWN

808. IMMEDIATELY.

809. MR. BUNTING, LEAVE.

810. I SING MY SONG FOR ALL TO

811. HEAR.

812. I SING MY SONG FOR ALL TO

813. HEAR.

814. I SING MY SONG —

815. ALL RIGHT.

816. I'M GOING TO TAKE OFF.

817. YOU GUYS HAVE MY E-MAIL AND

818. EVERYTHING, RIGHT?

819. GO WINDERMERE.

820. ♪♪♪

821. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

822. COURTNEY BARNETT.

823. ♪♪♪

824. ♪ YOU ALWAYS GET

825. WHAT YOU WANT

826. AND YOU DON'T

827. EVEN TRY ♪

828. ♪ YOUR FRIENDS HATE

829. IT WHEN IT'S ALWAYS

830. GOING YOUR WAY

831. BUT I'M GLAD ♪

832. ♪ THAT YOU'VE GOT

833. LUCK ON YOUR SIDE

834. YOU'RE SAYING

835. DEFINITELY MAYBE ♪

836. ♪ I'M SAYING PROBABLY NO

837. YOU SAY YOU SLEEP

838. WHEN YOU'RE DEAD

839. I'M SCARED I'LL ♪

840. ♪ DIE IN MY SLEEP

841. I GUESS THAT'S

842. NOT A BAD WAY TO GO

843. I WANNA GO OUT ♪

844. ♪ BUT I WANNA

845. STAY HOME

846. I WANNA GO OUT

847. BUT I WANNA STAY HOME ♪

848. ♪♪♪

849. ♪ WHY ARE YOU

850. SO EAGER TO PLEASE

851. I WEAR MY HEART

852. ON MY SLEEVE ♪

853. ♪ GETS HARDER IN

854. THE WINTER

855. GOTTA BE A

856. FAKE OR SHIVER ♪

857. ♪ IT TAKES A GREAT

858. DEAL OUT OF ME

859. YES I LIKE

860. HEARING YOUR STORIES ♪

861. ♪ BUT I'VE HEARD

862. THEM ALL BEFORE

863. I'D RATHER STAY

864. IN BED WITH THE ♪

865. ♪ RAIN OVER MY HEAD

866. THAN HAVE TO PICK

867. MY BRAIN UP OFF

868. OF THE FLOOR ♪

869. ♪ I WANNA GO OUT

870. BUT I WANNA STAY HOME

871. I WANNA GO OUT

872. BUT I WANNA STAY HOME ♪

873. ♪♪♪

874. ♪♪♪

875. ♪♪♪

876. ♪ I WANNA GO OUT

877. BUT I WANNA STAY HOME

878. I WANNA GO OUT

879. BUT I WANNA STAY HOME ♪

880. ♪ I WANNA GO OUT

881. BUT I WANNA STAY HOME

882. I WANNA GO OUT

883. BUT I WANNA STAY HOME ♪

884. ♪♪♪

885. ♪♪♪

886. > IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH

887. COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.

888. > GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.

889. WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE.

890. I'M MICHAEL CHE.

891. I'M COLIN JOST.

892. AND HERE ARE TONIGHT'S TOP

893. STORIES.

894. > THE NRA ON FRIDAY OFFICIALLY

895. ENDORSED DONALD TRUMP.

896. I ASSUME BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T DO

897. A BACKGROUND CHECK.

898. IF THEY HAD, THEY WOULD HAVE

899. SEEN THAT WHEN PRESIDENT OBAMA

900. CALLED FOR GUN CONTROL IN THE

901. WAKE OF THE NEW TOWN SHOOTING,

902. DONALD TRUMP TWEETED "PRESIDENT

903. OBAMA SPOKE FOR ME AND EVERY

904. AMERICAN IN HIS REMARKS IN #NEW

905. TOWN.

906. HE HASHTAGGED NEWTOWN, BUT

907. FORGOT TO HASHTAG MIGHT HAVE TO

908. COMPLETELY CHANGE MY VIEWS IF I

909. END UP BECOMING A REPUBLICAN.

910. > TRUMP CLAIMED THAT HILLARY

911. CLINTON WOULD ABLOLISH THE

912. SECOND AMENDMENT, WHICH IS JUST

913. NOT TRUE.

914. LOOK, NRA, NO ONE IS TRYING TO

915. TAKE YOUR GUNS AWAY FROM YOU.

916. WE UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH YOU NEED

917. THEM FOR THE APOCALYPSE AND YOUR

918. DAUGHTER'S WEDDING AND TO FRY

919. BACON ON.

920. IT'S EASY FOR ME TO SAY BECAUSE

921. I'M FROM NEW YORK CITY AND I

922. NEVER HAVE TO MUSKET A POSSUM IN

923. THE FACE FOR SUPPER.

924. I ASSURE YOU, NO ONE IS TRYING

925. TO TAKE YOUR GUNS FROM YOU.

926. EXCEPT MAYBE A TODDLER.

927. WHICH IS PROBABLY WHY HILLARY IS

928. TRYING TO PREVENT THIS.

929. > WE GOT A GLIMPSE OF HOW EACH

930. WOULD RESPOND AFTER THE EGYPT

931. AIR FLIGHT WENT DOWN.

932. LET'S WAIT UNTIL WE HAVE ALL THE

933. FACTS.

934. TRUMP SAID, IF ANYONE THINKS IT

935. WASN'T BLOWN OUT OF THE SKY,

936. YOU'RE 100% WRONG.

937. HE WAS 100% CERTAIN PEOPLE

938. WOULD WANT TO BUY STEAKS AT THE

939. SHARPER IMAGE.

940. I'D LOVE TO WATCH AN EPISODE OF

941. "LAW & ORDER" WITH DONALD TRUM.

942. THE FIRST GUY WALKS IN, HE DID

943. IT, 100%.

944. I'M LIKE, DONALD, THAT'S ICE T,

945. HE'S A DETECTIVE.

946. > DONALD TRUMP SAID IF HE

947. BECOMES PRESIDENT HE WOULD BE

948. WILLING TO TALK DIRECTLY WITH

949. KIM JUNG U.N. MOST LIKELY IN A

950. KOREAN ACCENT WITH SQUINTY EYES.

951. > HILLARY CLINTON IS FEWER

952. THAN 100 DELEGATES AWAY FROM HER

953. PARTY'S PRESIDENTIAL NOMINATION,

954. WHICH EXPLAINS HILLARY'S NEW

955. CAMPAIGN SLOGAN, FINISH HIM.

956. > A NEW POLL SHOWS THAT NEW

957. JERSEY GOVERNOR CHRIS CHRISTIE'S

958. APPROVAL RATING IS NOW AT AN ALL

959. TIME LOW, COMING IN MORE THAN 10

960. POINTS BELOW BON JOVI PLAYING

961. THE NEW STUFF.

962. STILL AT AN ALL TIME HIGH,

963. THOUGH, HIS BELT.

964. > AN ANONYMOUS BIDDER HAS PAID

965. NEARLY $140,000 IN AN AUCTION

966. FOR THE GUN GEORGE USED TO KILL

967. TRAYVON MARTIN.

968. ALL HE HAS TO DO IS MEET HIM ON

969. THE CORNER OF 146th AND MALCOLM

970. X BOULEVARD.

971. > THIS WEEK BRAZILIAN

972. PRESIDENT DILMA ROUSSEFF WAS

973. OUSTED FROM OFFICE AND FACES

974. IMPEACHMENT FOR COMMITTING

975. BUDGET FRAUD.

976. HERE TO COMMENT IS PRESIDENT

977. DILMA ROUSSEFF.

978. HI.

979. HOLA, COLIN JOST.

980. WELCOME.

981. NOW I GOTTA SAY YOU SEEM PRETTY

982. UPBEAT FOR SOMEONE WHO JUST GOT

983. KICKED OUT OF OFFICE.

984. OH, THANK YOU.

985. CHEERS.

986. IT'S ACTUALLY YOUR

987. IMPEACHMENT, NOT YOUR

988. RETIREMENT.

989. YOU SAY POTATO, I SAY POTATO.

990. WE HAVE MUCH BIGGER PROBLEMS

991. THAN THIS.

992. OUR ECONOMY IS MAJOR KA HUN IN A

993. RECESSION.

994. OUR WATER IS FULL OF POISON FROM

995. THE HUMAN DOOKIES.

996. AND HOW DO YOU SAY — PACO TACO.

997. NO, I THINK THE WORD IS

998. MOSQUITO.

999. MOSKEETER.

1000. PRESIDENT ROUSSEFF.

1001. I AM NOT THE PRESIDENT ANY

1002. MORE.

1003. NOW YOU CAN CALL ME BY MY

1004. BEAUTIFUL FIRST NAME, DILMA.

1005. OKAY THEN.

1006. DILMA.

1007. NO, NO, DILMA.

1008. LIKE YOUR TONGUE IS MAD AT THE

1009. REST OF YOUR MOUTH.

1010. SAY LIKE THIS, DILMA.

1011. YOU ARE NOT GOOD AT IT.

1012. BUT YOU'RE VERY CUTE LIKE A

1013. JUICY BABY.

1014. WHO'S YOUR YOUNG FRIEND.

1015. YEAH, THAT'S MICHAEL.

1016. MICHAEL CHE.

1017. YOU LIKE MY HAIR?

1018. YOUR HAIR IS BEAUTIFUL.

1019. I GO TO THE BARBER AND I SAY

1020. GUYS, GIVE ME THE NEW RIOU

1021. McCLANAHAN.

1022. VERY NICE.

1023. CAN YOU EXPLAIN FOR US WHY YOUR

1024. GOVERNMENT WANTS TO IMPEACH YOU?

1025. SIMPLE, COLUMBUS — I COOK —

1026. TO HIDE THE HOLE.

1027. NOW EVERYBODY SAY — BUT FOR ME

1028. IT'S NO PROBLEM.

1029. I DRINK, RELAX.

1030. NOW, HOLD ON, ARE YOU

1031. CONCERNED WITH EVERYTHING THAT'S

1032. GOING ON IN BRAZIL, DO YOU THINK

1033. YOU PREPARED RIO TO HOST THE

1034. OLYMPICS IN JUST TWO MONTHS?

1035. AAAAAAAAAH, NA.

1036. BUT WE ONLY HAVE ONE OR TWO

1037. THINGS LEFT TO DO.

1038. SUCH AS TAKE 1 MILLION POO-POO'S

1039. OUT OF THE WATER.

1040. AND BUILD ALL THE BUILDINGS.

1041. YOU HAVEN'T BUILT ANY OF THE

1042. BUILDINGS YET?

1043. IT'S FINE.

1044. IT'S CALLED BYOB.

1045. YEAH.

1046. BRING YOUR OWN BUILDING.

1047. OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

1048. EVERYBODY SAMBA.

1049. ♪♪♪

1050. DILMA ROUSSEFF, EVERYONE.

1051. > NIKE HAS ANNOUNCED IT WILL

1052. START TESTING A LARGE SCALE

1053. 3-PRINTER TO MAKE AIR 1Y0RDENS,

1054. THE PRINTER ACTUALLY MAKES

1055. LITTLE MALAYSIAN KIDS.

1056. > A NUMBER OF AIRPORTS AROUND

1057. THE COUNTRY ARE TRYING TO

1058. RELIEVE THE STRESS CAUSED BY

1059. LONG SECURITY LINES BY HIRING

1060. CLOWNS TO ENTERTAIN TRAVELERS.

1061. BECAUSE NOTHING PUTS YOU AT EASE

1062. LIKE A CLOWN WHISPERING, HAVE A

1063. SAFE FLIGHT.

1064. > A MAN STREAMED THE BIRTH OF

1065. HIS SON LIVE ON FACEBOOK AND

1066. IT'S BEEN VIEWED MORE THAN

1067. 50,000 TIMES.

1068. WEIRDLY, ALL BY CHE.

1069. > A BURGER KING IN FINLAND HAS

1070. OPENED THE WORLD'S FIRST FAST

1071. FOOD STORE IN A SPA.

1072. SO, YEAH, YOU'RE GOING TO FART

1073. DURING THAT MASSAGE.

1074. > THIS THURSDAY WAS NATIONAL

1075. HEPATITIS TESTING DAY.

1076. AND GOOD NEWS, I GOT AN A.

1077. WHY ARE YOU SMILING?

1078. LAST YEAR I GOT A C.

1079. ANYWAY.

1080. THIS IS THE LAST EPISODE OF THE

1081. SEASON, THERE WERE LOTS OF JOKES

1082. WE WROTE THIS YEAR, AND SOME OF

1083. THEM WERE TOO HARSH TO DO ON

1084. AIR.

1085. SINCE IT'S THE END OF THE

1086. YEAR, WHY DON'T WE DO SOME OF

1087. THEM?

1088. WHAT'S THE WORST THAT CAN

1089. HAPPEN, THEY FIRE COLIN?

1090. HERE'S THE FIRST ONE.

1091. > A HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT IN

1092. ARIZONA WAS ARRESTED AFTER IT

1093. WAS DISCOVERED HE SHOWED HIS

1094. PENIS IN A FOOTBALL TEAM

1095. PICTURE.

1096. THE STAFF NOTICED SOMETHING WAS

1097. WRONG WHEN THEY NOTICED THERE

1098. WAS ONE EXTRA HELMET.

1099. > A MUSLIM STUDENT AT A HIGH

1100. SCHOOL IN CALIFORNIA WAS UPSET

1101. AFTER THE SCHOOL YEARBOOK

1102. PRINTED HER NAME AS ISIS.

1103. THEY ALSO MISTAKENLY IDENTIFIED

1104. THEIR ONLY ASIAN STUDENT AS KUNG

1105. FU PANDA.

1106. > KHLOE KARDASHIAN REVEALED

1107. SHE RECORDED A SEX TAPE WITH HER

1108. NOW EX-HUSBAND, LAMAR ODOM.

1109. IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE SEX

1110. TAPE WOULD LOOK LIKE, WATCH

1111. KIM'S SEX TAPE IN A FUNHOUSE

1112. MIRROR.

1113. > THE ABILITIER WHO PROVIDED

1114. THE VOICE OF THE LUCKY CHARMS

1115. LEPRECHAUN DIED THIS WEEK AT THE

1116. AGE OF 93.

1117. AFTER HIS TUMOR TURNED OUT TO BE

1118. MAGICALLY MALIGNANT.

1119. > A 70-YEAR-OLD WOMAN IN INDIA

1120. HAS GIVEN BIRTH TO HER FIRST

1121. CHILD.

1122. DOCTORS DESCRIBE THE BIRTH AS

1123. "PULLING A PENNY OUT OF A WAD OF

1124. GUM."

1125. > AND FINALLY, FORMER SUBWAY

1126. SANDWICH SPOKESMAN JARED FOGLE

1127. WHO PLEADED GUILTY TO HAVING SEX

1128. WITH MINORS WAS SENTENCED TO 15

1129. YEARS IN PRISON.

1130. GOOD NEWS FOR HIS CELL MATE,

1131. JARED HAS A TON OF EXPERIENCE

1132. EATING THE SAME THING EVERY DAY

1133. FOR 15 YEARS.

1134. WHO DO YOU FEEL SORRY FOR.

1135. > NEXT WEEK IS MEMORIAL DAY

1136. WEEKEND.

1137. WHICH MEANS SUMMER IS RIGHT

1138. AROUND THE CORNER, I FOR ONE AM

1139. NOT THAT EXCITED ABOUT IT, BUT

1140. HERE TO CHEER ME UP IS THE MOST

1141. OPTIMISTIC GUY I KNOW, MY

1142. NEIGHBOR WILLIE.

1143. HEY, HAPPY SUMMERTIME,

1144. EVERYBODY.

1145. I CAN'T WAIT TO SITOUT SIDE AND

1146. STARE DIRECTLY INTO THAT HOT

1147. SUMMER SUN OR TAKE A RIDE IN THE

1148. BACK OF THE PICKUP TRUCK.

1149. WRISTS TIED TOGETHER.

1150. PEE RUNNING DOWN MY LEG.

1151. PEE DRIPPING DOWN MY CHIN.

1152. WHAT ARE YOU DESCRIBING, MAN?

1153. SUMMERTIME.

1154. NO, YOU'RE NOT.

1155. MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A KID

1156. AGAIN.

1157. I GOT SO EXCITED WHEN I SAW THE

1158. ICE CREAM TRUCK OR THE CANDY

1159. VAN.

1160. WHAT'S THE CANDY VAN.

1161. EVERYBODY KNOWS YOU'RE NOT

1162. SUPPOSED SO TELL WHAT HAPPENS IN

1163. THE CANDY VAN.

1164. YOU GOT SPANKED AND TICKLED

1165. BY OLD MAN CUNNINGHAM.

1166. WHAT ABOUT ALL THE OUTDOOR

1167. CONCERTS, MICHAEL.

1168. ONE SUMMER MY DADDY TOOK ME TO

1169. SEE LITTLE RICHARD.

1170. HE SAID, THAT'S THE ARCHITECT OF

1171. ROCK 'N' ROLL, IT'S THE DEVIL'S

1172. MUSIC AND I'M GOING TO KILL HIM.

1173. BACK IN THOSE DAYS, WE

1174. WEREN'T ALLOWED TO GO TO THE

1175. CITY POOL.

1176. BUT WE MADE DO.

1177. SOMETIMES THE LOCAL FIREMEN

1178. WOULD COME DOWN AND OPEN THE

1179. HYDRANT.

1180. THEN THEY'D ATTACH A HOSE, AND

1181. SPRAY THE HELL OUT OF US.

1182. THESE ARE TERRIBLE MEMORIES,

1183. WILLIE.

1184. ALL LIVES MATTER, MICHAEL.

1185. WHAT?

1186. DON'T YOU LOVE SUMMER BASEBALL?

1187. YEAH.

1188. EVERY YEAR MY FAMILY WOULD GO

1189. DOWN TO EVANS FIELD AND WATCH

1190. THE BROOKLYN DODGERS AND THROW

1191. ROCKS AT THE OPPOSING TEAM.

1192. MY GRANDMA WOULD SAY STOP

1193. THROWING THEM AT JACKIE

1194. ROBINSON.

1195. YOU KNOW WHO LOVED SUMMER, MY

1196. DOG LUCIOUS.

1197. I COULD LEAVE HIM IN THE HOT CAR

1198. WINDOWS ROLLED UP.

1199. GET OUT OF THE CANDY VAN,

1200. WILLIE?

1201. WILLIE, EVERYBODY.

1202. FOR WEEKEND UPDATE, I'M MICHAEL

1203. CHE.

1204. I'M COLIN JOST.

1205. HAVE A

1206. > EVACUATION.

1207. GREAT WORK FINDING THAT

1208. MAINTENANCE TUNNEL.

1209. WE'RE TOO LATE.

1210. THERE'S ONLY ONE POD LEFT.

1211. WHY DIDN'T THEY WAIT FOR US?

1212. HALF THE SHIP WAS TORN APART

1213. IN A SOLAR STORM.

1214. ONE ESCAPE POD FITS ONE

1215. PERSON.

1216. WHO GETS TO LIVE?

1217. THROW YOUR I.D. BATHS IN

1218. HERE.

1219. I DRAW YOURS, YOU GET THE ESCAPE

1220. POD.

1221. WHAT HAPPENS TO EVERYBODY

1222. ELSE?

1223. THEY STAY HERE AND WAIT TO

1224. DIE.

1225. IT'S STEVE.

1226. NO, YOU GUYS.

1227. NO.

1228. FAIR'S FAIR, STEVE.

1229. I'M A NOBODY, I DON'T HAVE

1230. KIDS.

1231. WHY SHOULD I GET TO LIVE.

1232. IT'S WHAT FATE DECIDED.

1233. WHEN YOU GET TO THAT MOON

1234. BASE, TELL THE OTHER COLINISTS

1235. WHAT HAPPENED HERE TODAY.

1236. TELL THEM OUR STORY.

1237. I WILL.

1238. YOU'RE MY BEST FRIENDS.

1239. AND NOW YOU'RE MY HEROES.

1240. GOD SPEED, DEAN.

1241. I WILL TELL YOUR STORY.

1242. SAFETY RESTRAINTS ENGAGING.

1243. YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST.

1244. SAFETY RESTRAINTS ENGAGED.

1245. THE WORLD WILL KNOW YOUR

1246. SACRIFICE.

1247. PRELAUNCH CHECKLIST, DO YOU

1248. WISH TO EAT DURING THE FLIGHT?

1249. HOW CAN I THINK ABOUT FOOD

1250. WHEN MY FRIENDS ARE ABOUT TO

1251. DIE?

1252. DEAN, IT'S OKAY.

1253. DO YOU WISH TO EAT DURING

1254. YOUR FLIGHT?

1255. I WANT THE OPTION, IT'S A

1256. LONG FLIGHT.

1257. I WON'T EVEN EAT IT.

1258. I'LL BE THINKING OF YOUR

1259. SACRIFICE.

1260. SELECT ANDRE FROM MENU.

1261. I DON'T DESERVE AN ENTREE.

1262. KOREAN STYLE CHECKEN.

1263. IF YOU SEE MY WIFE UP THERE,

1264. TELL HER I LOVE HER.

1265. I'LL TELL HER MORE THAN THAT,

1266. I'LL TELL HER HER HUSBAND —

1267. SELECT BENCH.

1268. VANILLA MILK SHAKE.

1269. THAT HER HUSBAND DIED A HERO.

1270. MAKE INFLIGHT ENTERTAINMENT

1271. SELECTION.

1272. WHAT?

1273. I DON'T THINK MY FRIENDS ARE

1274. GIVING THEIR LIFE SO I CAN WATCH

1275. A MOVIE.

1276. YOU SELECTED CITY SLICKERS II

1277. THE LEGEND OF CURLEY'S GOLD.

1278. IS THAT CORRECT?

1279. YES.

1280. ACTIVATING DEEP TISSUE

1281. MASSAGE.

1282. I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU GUYS.

1283. AND NEITHER THE WILL WORLD.

1284. OH, THAT FEELS SO GOOD.

1285. COUNTDOWN TO LAUNCH.

1286. I HOPE HE ENJOYS HIS FIRST

1287. CLASS FLIGHT WHILE WE WAIT TO

1288. DIE.

1289. WAIT.

1290. WAIT.

1291. THE BLAST FRIED THE ESCAPE POD'S

1292. COMPUTERS THEY'RE ALL FLYING

1293. DIRECTLY INTO THE SUN.

1294. BUT I FOUND A CARGO SHUTTLE

1295. BELOW.

1296. WHAT ABOUT DEAN?

1297. I'D HATE TO INTERRUPT HIS

1298. DINNER AND A MOVIE.

1299. SO LONG DEAN.

1300. WE'LL TELL YOUR STORY.

1301. ♪♪♪

1302. > WELCOME, EVERYONE, TO

1303. WOODBRIDGE HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT

1304. THEATER SHOWCASE.

1305. WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY US,

1306. THE STUDENTS.

1307. BEFORE WE BEGIN, A WARNING,

1308. TONIGHT'S SHOW IS RATED R FOR

1309. REALITY CHECK.

1310. PLEASE ENJOY AMERICA THE

1311. BEAUTIFUL?

1312. MA'AM, WHAT'S THIS?

1313. THAT'S THE iPHONE 6S WITH 128

1314. GIGABYTES OF STORAGE.

1315. SIR, WHAT'S THIS?

1316. THE NEW iPAD PRO WITH 12.9 INCH

1317. DISPLAY.

1318. AND SIR, WHAT'S THIS?

1319. I DON'T KNOW.

1320. WHAT ABOUT LESS TECHNOLOGY

1321. AND MORE NATUROLOGY.

1322. THAT'S THE WHOLE SHOW?

1323. NO, THE PROGRAM SAYS IT

1324. RECEIVED ONE OF 85.

1325. I'M NOT DOING 85 OF THOSE

1326. THINGS.

1327. WE ALL KNOW WHAT REGULAR

1328. PEOPLE BUY AT REGULAR GROCERY

1329. STORES.

1330. BUT WHAT DO RICH PEOPLE BUY AT

1331. RICH GROCERY STORES.

1332. LET'S FIND OUT NOW.

1333. ONE HOLLYWOOD BODY PLEASE.

1334. BEEP BEEP.

1335. ONE INNOCENT CARD, PLEASE.

1336. BEEP BEEP.

1337. ONE GENERAL ELECTION, PLEASE.

1338. BEEP BEEP.

1339. YOU KNOW WHAT SUCKS.

1340. THE CAST PARTY IS AT MY HOUSE.

1341. LAST YEAR THEY STAYED UP UNTIL

1342. 6:00 A.M. JUST COMPLIMENTING

1343. EACH OTHER.

1344. I HAVE ZIKA.

1345. COUGH, COUGH.

1346. I HAVE EBOLA, ACHOO, ACHOO.

1347. I HAVE MALARIA, MALAIR,

1348. MALIAR.

1349. IN HIGH SCHOOL, DO YOU KNOW

1350. WHAT SPREADS FASTER THAN ALL OF

1351. THESE?

1352. WHAT?

1353. IT'S GOT TO BE GOSSIP.

1354. IT'S GOSSIP.

1355. NO DOY!

1356. THE PROGRAM SAYS THIS SHOW IS

1357. DEDICATED TO PRINCE.

1358. YEAH, BUT THEN THEY HAVE A

1359. PICTURE OF MICHAEL JACKSON ON

1360. THE BACK.

1361. HONEY, WHERE'S YOUR PROM

1362. DATE.

1363. I CANNOT WAIT TO MEET HIM.

1364. ACTUALLY, IT'S NOT A HIM,

1365. IT'S A HER.

1366. WE'RE LESBIANS.

1367. THAT'S GOOD.

1368. NICE TO MEET YOU, EMILY'S

1369. DAD.

1370. ACTUALLY, I'M NOT HER DAD,

1371. I'M HER MOM.

1372. I'M TRANSGENDER.

1373. THAT'S GOOD.

1374. AND THIS WHOLE TIME, NONE OF

1375. US WERE WHITE.

1376. WE WERE ASIAN.

1377. THAT'S GOOD.

1378. THESE KIDS BLOW, WHAT DO THEY

1379. THINK THIS IS EVEN GOING TO LEAD

1380. TO.

1381. ACTUALLY, THEY ALL JUST GOT

1382. INTO NYU.

1383. OH.

1384. EWWW.

1385. I HAVE A STORY.

1386. IT'S ABOUT MY LITTLE BROTHER.

1387. HIS NAME IS ZACHARY, BUT I DON'T

1388. CALL HIM THAT.

1389. I CALL HIM HERO.

1390. HE HAS SPECIAL NEEDS.

1391. DOCTOR SAID WE WOULD NEED TO

1392. HELP HIM.

1393. BUT THE FUNNY THING IS, HE'S THE

1394. ONE WHO HELPS US.

1395. AND THAT'S WHY NOW I SPELL HERO

1396. WITH A CAPITAL ZACHARY.

1397. ♪♪♪

1398. WHAT?

1399. SHE IS MY ONLY CHILD.

1400. ALSO, SHE CALLS ME THE R WORD

1401. LIKE EVERY DAY.

1402. FOR THIS SCENE, WE NEED A

1403. VOLUNTEER.

1404. HOW ABOUT YOU IN THE FRONT ROW

1405. PRETENDING TO READ A TINY BOOK.

1406. WHO, ME?

1407. YES, YOU.

1408. GET UP HERE.

1409. NOW.

1410. WE ALL LOVE TO WATCH VIOLENCE ON

1411. TV.

1412. BANG.

1413. PUNCH.

1414. HIT.

1415. WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE'RE

1416. CONFRONTED BY SOMETHING AS

1417. SIMPLE AS THE HUMAN BODY.

1418. OH, NO.

1419. MY VOO GINA.

1420. MY NIPPLE.

1421. MY VOTE OPEN.

1422. MY PENIS.

1423. MY LABIA MAJORA.

1424. MY ANUS.

1425. TELL US, SIR, DID THAT MAKE

1426. YOU UNCOMFORTABLE?

1427. YES, BECAUSE YOU'RE ALL KIDS.

1428. WOW!

1429. THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING TO

1430. OUR SHOW.

1431. PLEASE STAY SEATED FOR A TWO

1432. HOUR Q & A AMONGST OURSELVES.

1433. YES, YOU.

1434. > ONCE AGAIN, COURTNEY

1435. BARNETT.

1436. ♪♪♪

1437. ♪ I LOVE YOU I HATE YOU

1438. I'M ON THE FENCE

1439. IT ALL DEPENDS WHETHER I'M UP

1440. I'M DOWN I'M ON THE MEND ♪

1441. ♪ TRANSCENDING ON REALITY

1442. I LIKE YOU DESPISE YOU

1443. ADMIRE YOU WHAT ARE WE GONNA

1444. DO WHEN EVERYTHING ♪

1445. ♪ ALL FALLS THROUGH ♪

1446. I MUST CONFESS I'VE MADE

1447. A MESS OF WHAT SHOULD BE

1448. A SMALL SUCCESS ♪

1449. ♪ I DIGRESS AT LEAST I'VE

1450. TRIED MY VERY BEST I GUESS

1451. THIS THAT THE OTHER

1452. WHY EVEN BOTHER ♪

1453. ♪ IT WON'T BE WITH ME

1454. ON MY DEATH BED

1455. BUT I'LL STILL BE

1456. IN YOUR HEAD ♪

1457. ♪ PUT ME ON A PEDESTAL

1458. I'LL ONLY DISAPPOINT YOU

1459. TELL ME I'M EXCEPTIONAL

1460. I PROMISE TO EXPLOIT YOU ♪

1461. ♪ GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY

1462. AND I'LL MAKE SOME ORIGAMI

1463. HONEY ♪

1464. ♪ I THINK YOU'RE A JOKE

1465. BUT I DON'T FIND YOU

1466. VERY FUNNY ♪

1467. ♪ MY INTERNAL MONOLOGUE

1468. IS SATURATED ANALOG

1469. IT'S SCRATCHED AND DRIFTING ♪

1470. ♪ I'VE BECOME ATTACHED TO

1471. THE IDEA IT'S ALL A

1472. SHIFTING DREAM

1473. BITTERSWEET PHILOSOPHY ♪

1474. ♪ ALTHOUGH I'VE NO IDEA

1475. HOW I EVEN GOT HERE ♪

1476. ♪ I'M RESENTFUL

1477. I'M HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL

1478. TIME CRISIS ♪

1479. ♪ WHAT BLISS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS

1480. WON'T FIX THIS

1481. UNDERWORKED AND OVERSEXED

1482. I MUST EXPRESS

1483. MY DISINTEREST ♪

1484. ♪ THE RATS ARE BACK INSIDE

1485. MY HEAD WHAT WOULD

1486. FREUD'VE SAID ♪

1487. ♪ PUT ME ON A PEDESTAL

1488. I'LL ONLY DISAPPOINT YOU

1489. TELL ME I'M EXCEPTIONAL

1490. I PROMISE TO EXPLOIT YOU ♪

1491. ♪ GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY

1492. AND I'LL MAKE SOME ORIGAMI

1493. HONEY ♪

1494. ♪ I THINK YOU'RE A JOKE

1495. BUT I DON'T FIND YOU

1496. VERY FUNNY ♪

1497. ♪♪♪

1498. ♪ I WANT TO WASH OUT MY HEAD

1499. WITH TURPENTINE CYANIDE

1500. I DISLIKE THIS INTERNAL

1501. DIATRIBE ♪

1502. ♪ WHEN I TRY TO CATCH YOUR

1503. EYE I HATE SEEING YOU

1504. CRYING IN THE KITCHEN ♪

1505. ♪ I DON'T KNOW WHY IT MAKES

1506. ME LIKE THIS WHEN YOU'RE NOT

1507. EVEN MINE TO CONSIDER

1508. ERRONEOUS HARMONIOUS ♪

1509. ♪ I'M HARDLY SANCTIMONIOUS

1510. DIRTY CLOTHES I SUPPOSE

1511. WE ALL OUTGROW OURSELVES ♪

1512. ♪ I'M A FAKE I'M A PHONY

1513. I'M AWAKE I'M ALONE

1514. I'M HOMELY

1515. I'M A SCORPIO ♪

1516. ♪ PUT ME ON A PEDESTAL

1517. AND I'LL ONLY DISAPPOINT YOU

1518. TELL ME I'M EXCEPTIONAL

1519. AND I PROMISE TO EXPLOIT YOU

1520. GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY ♪

1521. ♪ AND I'LL MAKE

1522. SOME ORIGAMI HONEY

1523. I THINK YOU'RE A JOKE

1524. BUT I DON'T FIND YOU ♪

1525. ♪ VERY FUNNY ♪

1526. ♪ PUT ME ON A PEDESTAL

1527. AND I'LL ONLY DISAPPOINT YOU

1528. TELL ME I'M EXCEPTIONAL

1529. AND I PROMISE TO EXPLOIT YOU

1530. GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY ♪

1531. ♪ AND I'LL MAKE

1532. SOME ORIGAMI HONEY

1533. I THINK YOU'RE A JOKE

1534. BUT I DON'T FIND YOU ♪

1535. ♪ VERY FUNNY ♪

1536. ♪♪♪

1537. > HEY, 38th STREET COMMUNITY

1538. CENTER, HUGH ARE YOU FEELING

1539. TONIGHT?

1540. ALL RIGHT, WHO LIKES EARLY

1541. '70s STYLE SOUTHERN ROCK?

1542. ANYONE?

1543. NO.

1544. WELL, WE ALREADY PAID FOR THIS,

1545. PLEASE WELCOME THE HARKIN

1546. BROTHERS.

1547. YES.

1548. HOWDIE, WE'RE THE HARKIN

1549. BROTHER'S BAND, WHO HERE IS FROM

1550. FAYETTEVILLE, ARKANSAS.

1551. NOBODY?

1552. ANY OF YOU KIDS EVER BEEN TO A

1553. HONKEY-TONK?

1554. WELL, HERE'S A SONG ABOUT IT.

1555. ♪♪♪

1556. ♪ FROGS ARE JUMPING UP ON TO THE

1557. LILY PAD.

1558. I'M EATING PLATES OF HONEY HAM

1559. ALL DAY ♪

1560. ♪ COMMUTING TO A TIRED SWIMMING

1561. HOLE ♪

1562. ♪ ARKANSAS IS CALLING OUT MY

1563. NAME HOT HOT SUMMERTIME ♪

1564. ♪♪♪

1565. ♪ NOTHING LIKE A NAP IN A BURNED

1566. OUT PICKUP TRUCK ♪

1567. ♪ FIRE FLIES FLY RIGHT INTO MY

1568. MOUTH ♪

1569. ♪ RUNNING BAREFOOT ON A PILE OF

1570. ROCKS AND STONES ♪

1571. ♪ THEN I SEE HENRIETTA ♪

1572. ♪ HENRIETTA ♪

1573. ♪ SUMMERTIME IN FAYETTEVILLE.

1574. HOT HOT SUMMERTIME ♪

1575. ♪ SUMMERTIME IN FAYETTEVILLE HOT

1576. HOT SUMMERTIME ♪

1577. ♪ SUMMERTIME IN FAYETTEVILLE HOT

1578. HOT SUMMERTIME ♪

1579. ♪ SUMMERTIME IN FAYETTEVILLE HOT

1580. HOT SUMMERTIME ♪

1581. ♪ SUMMERTIME IN FAYETTEVILLE HOT

1582. HOT SUMMERTIME ♪

1583. ♪ SUMMERTIME IN FAYETTEVILLE HOT

1584. HOT SUMMERTIME ♪

1585. ♪ SUMMERTIME IN FAYETTEVILLE HOT

1586. HOT SUMMERTIME ♪

1587. > THANK YOU COURTNEY BAR NED,

1588. LARRY DAVID, JASON SUDAKIS, MAYA

1589. RUDOLPH AND CARRIE BROWN.

1590. HAVE A GREAT SUMMER.