Saturday Night Live 41x13

1. Oh my God, have you guys been watching

2. - the primaries? - Yes.

3. Hillary got her butt kicked in New Hampshire.

4. We're all still voting for her, right?

5. - Yes. - Absolutely.

6. - Sure. - Cool, cool, cool, me too.

7. Except I think I'm voting for Bernie.

8. What!

9. But yeah, me too.

10. You are?

11. But so are we.

12. I mean Hillary is the most qualified

13. candidate in history, but

14. at the same time, eh?

15. Yeah, Hillary has every single

16. thing I want in a president, but...

17. She's no Bernie.

18. I mean, I like Hillary's

19. foreign policy experience, but I

20. love Bernie's whole vibe.

21. I'm obsessed with his vibe.

22. Bernie is the best.

23. Bernie is change.

24. final hours I will lay down my

25. heart and I'll feel the power

26. I like when Bernie yells.

27. but I don't like when Hillary does.

28. Did anyone else just get so

29. cold for a minute?

30. I felt cold, but safe.

31. Hey you guys I'm sorry I'm late.

32. We were just talking about whether or not to vote for Hillary.

33. I definitely am because Gloria steinem and Madeleine

34. albright basically said it's my feminist duty.

35. Well actually that's not right.

36. True feminism is looking at both

37. candidates equally, regardless of gender.

38. Well, if I really do that, I pick Bernie.

39. Me too, Hillary's just too establishment.

40. Yeah and Bernie's an outsider

41. who's only been in congress for like 30 years.

42. Bernie's the best.

43. Like her for my sake.

44. final hours I will lay down my

45. Oh, boy.

46. I'm not even playing this thing.

47. You guys I will say one thing about

48. Hillary, she's way better than

49. those republican nominees.

50. That's true.

51. Except I do like jeb bush.

52. You do?

53. No, I'm kidding, who likes

54. jeb bush.

55. I'm sorry, are you jeb bush?

56. Wait, you can see me?

57. Yes, you just stood up out of

58. that table.

59. How long were you waiting down there for?

60. But I was just...

61. I was doing what Hillary did.

62. You know, with the other ones

63. because she and I are both big losers.

64. No, you two aren't the same.

65. Hillary may have lost new Hampshire, but she's still

66. polling way ahead in the South.

67. Yeah, I have a ton of friends

68. there, and they all love her.

69. That's right my babies.

70. Hillary's going nowhere!

71. It's "Saturday night live."

72. With —

73. Vanessa bayer.

74. Beck Bennett.

75. Aidy Bryant.

76. Colin jost.

77. Taran killam.

78. Kate McKinnon.

79. Kyle mooney.

80. Bobby moynihan.

81. Jay pharoah.

82. Cecily strong.

83. Kenan Thompson.

84. Sasheer zamada.

85. Featuring —

86. Michael che.

87. Pete Davidson.

88. Leslie Jones.

89. John rudnitsky.

90. Musical guest, kanye west.

91. And your host,

92. Melissa McCarthy.

93. Ladies and gentlemen.

94. Melissa McCarthy.

95. Hello. Hi.

96. Thank you, thank you so much. Oh, my goodness.

97. This is so exciting.

98. It's Valentine's day show.

99. And I have a little something

100. unusual for you I want

101. everybody right now to look

102. under their chair.

103. Go ahead, look under your chair.

104. Any of you — anyone finds a

105. glove, there's one glove from

106. this week, it's like a caramelly

107. color, it's an isotoner, it's a

108. goody.

109. And if you find it, give me a holler.

110. It's missing its sister.

111. I've been having the most

112. amazing week here.

113. My whole family's here, I just

114. finished a new movie called "the

115. boss" I wrote with my husband.

116. We had a blast doing it.

117. I tell you what, honestly, all I

118. can think about is the fact that

119. I'm hosting snl for the fifth

120. time tonight.

121. Which means that I'm officially

122. a member of the five timers club.

123. Before they come out here and

124. make a fuss and give me my five

125. timers jacket.

126. I just want to say, one little thing.

127. Hit it.

128. I ever expect to host the show

129. They say five times a charm

130. Even more

131. Melissa. Melissa. Stop it!

132. - Can we stop! - What?

133. - Melissa. - What?

134. You've only hosted four times.

135. No, five.

136. Can you put her down please.

137. - No, what? - It's only four.

138. I googled when I was

139. backstage sweating in this foam

140. five costume that you made me

141. wear.

142. Wait a minute, no, no, no, no, no. That's not right.

143. The first was 2011, 2013, 2014,

144. tonight and last year was the

145. 40th anniversary special.

146. That's five, keenan.

147. No, no, no, the 40th doesn't

148. count, baby girl.

149. That counts for like 1/16

150. hosting.

151. That's like 41/16.

152. So am I not getting the five

153. timers jacket?

154. No.

155. But look, you get this.

156. - Oh. - That's cool.

157. Yeah, it is cool.

158. Why is it on a banana?

159. Well, just to show scale.

160. And there's more.

161. Here, look at these.

162. Okay, these are even bigger

163. than the five.

164. And the banana.

165. I mean, they're bigger.

166. You think about it, it's

167. actually now like my own club.

168. I'm a 41/16er.

169. Yeah, now sing the song.

170. Tonight will still be fun

171. because I'm hosting for the

172. 4 & 1/16 time.

173. That's even better.

174. Never felt quite so alive

175. tonight is not really thrive, it's

176. 4 & 1/16

177. 4 & 1/16 times.

178. We have a great show!

179. Kanye west is here.

180. Stick around, we'll be right

181. back.

182. To white people, it was just

183. another great week.

184. They never saw it coming.

185. They had no warning.

186. Then the day before the super

187. bowl, it happened.

188. Beyonce released a new video,

189. that embraces her black heritage.

190. Beyonce is unapologetically black.

191. Tribute to the black lives matter movement.

192. Showcase for black messages.

193. Her blackness like never before.

194. Honey get in here.

195. What is it?

196. - What's wrong? - Out of nowhere.

197. I think Beyonce.

198. Is black?

199. The day Beyonce turned black.

200. Guys, I don't understand this new song.

201. Hot sauce in my bag swag?

202. What does that mean?

203. Maybe the song isn't for us.

204. But usually everything is.

205. It was the day that choked the whole

206. white world.

207. We have to go.

208. We have to leave America.

209. Beyonce is black.

210. Amy, I'm black.

211. What?

212. No you're not. You're like my girl.

213. Yeah, but I can still be black.

214. There's black people all over the world.

215. That guy's black.

216. I know he's black.

217. Beyonce is black?

218. What about single ladies?

219. She was black in that.

220. - What about (Unintelligible). - She was black in that too.

221. What about the pink panther movie?

222. Yeah, okay, she was white in that.

223. Right?

224. It was the day white people

225. lost their Beyonce.

226. Getting word now that Beyonce

227. isn't the only black celebrity.

228. Some are saying kerry Washington

229. may also be black.

230. No, it can't be.

231. She's on abc.

232. I don't understand how can

233. they be black?

234. They're women.

235. I think they might be both.

236. Both!

237. No!

238. - What's going on out there? - New Beyonce video.

239. Oh!

240. It was the day they lost their damn

241. white minds.

242. Ashley?

243. Honey, what are you listening to?

244. The new Beyonce song.

245. I really like it.

246. Oh, God, you're black too.

247. Carry, that is my daughter.

248. Your daughters over on the bed.

249. Remember, you invited us for a play date?

250. Oh, that's right, thank God.

251. Thank God?

252. Really?

253. The day Beyonce turned black,

254. rated NC-17 for white people and

255. G for black people.

256. - Mommy, is Taylor swift still white? - I don't know.

257. Just close your eyes, it will be

258. over in the morning.

259. Okay. Hi there folks.

260. Again, we appreciate you all

261. attending our test screening this evening.

262. We reviewed your comment cards

263. and the cul-de-sac was one of

264. our highest scoring horror movies in four years.

265. I loved it man.

266. You all are twisted and I like that.

267. That is great to hear.

268. Show of hands, how many of

269. you experienced a jump scare during the film?

270. Where you physically jumped in your seat?

271. One or two jump scares in there for me.

272. Spilled a little bit of soda.

273. I think you got a hit on your hands.

274. Let's hope so.

275. As you know, we were taping

276. the audience during the

277. screening for are television and web ads

278. and you guys gave us

279. some great reactions we'd like to use.

280. We wanted to show you some

281. before you signed the releases.

282. Had a little jump there,

283. huh Diane?

284. It's so embarrassing.

285. This was taken during the

286. first murder scene.

287. Dotty, you were pretty scared there?

288. I think that clip might have been Diane.

289. No, it was you.

290. Well, it's kind of hard to tell with night vision.

291. Here's you guys watching the

292. monsters in the trees sequence.

293. They're in the trees!

294. By the way, that young woman

295. who was punched is shaken but

296. she's otherwise fine.

297. Well, for the record, I

298. barely touched her, and I think

299. she's a little bit of a drama queen.

300. You gave us some real great

301. stuff during that final chase scene.

302. Holy.

303. Oh, my God.

304. My shirt.

305. Run!

306. Run!

307. I'm pissing myself!

308. Man this bitch is pissing herself!

309. They're in our dreams!

310. I'm gonna tell everyone!

311. If you're all okay with

312. these, we have some releases for you.

313. Boy, I'd love to be on TV,

314. I'm not sure if it's worth

315. losing my dignity over.

316. You'll get $250.

317. Oh, yeah, deal.

318. Okay. And let them eat snacks.

319. Mom, you rock. I've never leaving this coach.

320. Linda Hamilton looks very young.

321. - What is this? - It's the very first

322. Terminator from '84. It's a classic.

323. We haven't had movie night in

324. forever, this is nice.

325. Oh, no, there's a sex scene

326. in Terminator?

327. I don't remember this.

328. Now I have to watch sex with my

329. parents?

330. This is so awkward.

331. I need to ease the tension in

332. here, I have to say something

333. that will lighten things up right now.

334. When is the last time you

335. guys did that?

336. Oh, my God, that was the worst

337. possible thing I could have said.

338. Everyone's pretending it didn't even happen.

339. I need to say something else.

340. Wow! She's getting railed.

341. Why would I say that?

342. I should say something sweet now.

343. I love you guys so much.

344. Okay, kid.

345. That's very sweet of you.

346. Boy, I wish my hand wasn't

347. still rubbing tommys thigh during an intercourse scene.

348. I'd hate to remove my hand too

349. suddenly and have it effect

350. tommys sexual confidence.

351. Oh you know what I got it.

352. Yep, nice one Patty.

353. Oh boy, I hate to break the tension

354. with a witty comment about what we're watching.

355. Think Jim.

356. You know, she has very dark

357. nipples for a white girl.

358. Nailed it.

359. I have to take a quick

360. time-out from this or I will literally die.

361. I'm going to grab a snack real quick.

362. - You want us to pause it? - Uh, yeah.

363. No, why would you tell them to pause it.

364. Boy, it is a dark nipple.

365. That's a weird word.

366. Nipple.

367. Nipple.

368. Nipple.

369. I can't get that thing out of my head.

370. Genius.

371. Oh, my God, I was so in my

372. head about the pause thing, I

373. opened the pantry and opened a

374. box of dry rigatoni pasta.

375. And now I'm eating it.

376. This hurts.

377. Really bad.

378. I wish these two actors would

379. have discussed wearing a condom

380. before they started making love.

381. I hope Tommy doesn't think

382. that's okay.

383. I should say something, just

384. something casual, cool.

385. Something pro-safe sex.

386. Boy, rubbers are rad, huh?

387. I wish I hadn't started rubbing

388. his thigh again when I brought

389. up the rubbers.

390. Oh Patty.

391. That was weird.

392. Poor kid, probably dying inside.

393. I'm gonna help him out.

394. You know, there's a sex scene

395. in wild things that's way worse

396. than this, it's a crazy three-way.

397. A topless Denise Richards in her prime.

398. The scene starts at 38 minutes and 10 seconds, you

399. should check it out.

400. Oh, boy, they're going to know I

401. have a Mr. skin account.

402. Okay I can't take it anymore.

403. I have to make a witty statement so we can forget how

404. uncomfortable this has been.

405. This guy's lasting so long.

406. You know, I bet he's thinking of

407. baseball or his parents, so he lasts.

408. Not that I would think of you guys during sex.

409. That's gross.

410. You're not gross.

411. You guys were hot back in the day.

412. Like if I was in back to the

413. future and I time traveled to

414. when you were in high school, I would totally hook up with you, mom.

415. Ewww, what am I saying?

416. I hate the Terminator.

417. I'm a virgin by the way.

418. Okay, see ya guys.

419. - She really is getting railed. - Yeah, she's taking it like a champ.

420. ladies and gentlemen, kanye west.

421. Do you want me to give you a

422. testimony about my life, and how

423. good he's been to me?

424. I don't know what to tell you about him.

425. I love him so much with all my

426. heart and my soul.

427. With every bone in my body I

428. love him so much, because he's

429. done so much for me.

430. No matter what you've been through or where you've been,

431. he's always there with his arms

432. open wide, accepting me for who I am.

433. And I love him so much.

434. I couldn't do it without him, I

435. wouldn't want to.

436. I'm crying now.

437. Feels so good to be free.

438. To be accepted for who you are,

439. and loved no matter what.

440. Oh lord, thank you.

441. You are the joy of my life.

442. tell everybody I'm back in town

443. the highlights

444. that my — had gopro so I could play that

445. the highlights

446. we only makin'

447. high lights

448. would be friends if we ain't love

449. we the new Jackson's

450. life is a marathon

451. I'ma shift the paradigm

452. really gettin' it

453. two times cause we got

454. Impregnate bridget soon as she have a baby

455. on some christians

456. and that girl ain't

457. hard to believe in God

458. Blac chyna trying — rob

459. help him with the weight I wish my trainer would

460. tell me what I overate

461. so when I'm on vacay I need to kick back

462. chick up in equinox

463. up in equinox

464. I need to know right now

465. up in equinox

466. I want to know right now

467. up in equinox

468. I want to know right now

469. I want to know right now

470. up in equinox

471. I want to know right now

472. New York City!

473. Eight times!

474. The most of all time!

475. It's "weekend update" with

476. Colin jost and Michael che.

477. What's up, everybody.

478. Welcome to "Weekend Update" I'm Michael che.

479. And I'm Colin Jost. And here are tonight's top stories.

480. The gop debate just ended.

481. In South Carolina and Donald trump was repeatably booed.

482. Throughout the evening.

483. Here's a quick clip.

484. Of trump responding to jeb bush.

485. Jeb is so wrong.

486. He's absolutely —

487. The crazy thing is, all jeb

488. said was, it's great to be here

489. in South Carolina.

490. Don't you guys know you can't

491. boo Donald trump.

492. He doesn't hear boos.

493. If you boo Donald trump

494. in his head, it's just this.

495. Jeb is so wrong.

496. Jeb is absolutely so —

497. At the Democratic debate, Hillary Clinton and Bernie

498. Sanders made concerted efforts

499. to appeal to African-American voters.

500. One a lot more than the other.

501. At the end of that debate, Hillary pulled hot sauce out of her bag.

502. This week, Bernie Sanders met

503. with the reverend Al sharpton at

504. Sylvia's restaurant in Harlem,

505. and let's just say they did not tip well.

506. During the Democratic debate,

507. Hillary Clinton attacked

508. Bernie Sanders saying he needs

509. to be honest with voters about

510. the difficulty of accomplishing

511. his proposals, while Clinton's

512. critics say she has to be honest

513. with voters about —

514. All that stuff.

515. Oh, wow, there's more.

516. Okay.

517. She's got to be honest about that stuff.

518. Donald trump promised this

519. week he will stop using

520. profanity and other vulgar

521. language on the campaign trail.

522. Saying as we get closer, you'll

523. be shocked how presidential I'll be.

524. Adding you'll love it so much

525. you'll cream your jeans.

526. This week Beyonce faced

527. outrage for her super bowl

528. performance.

529. No, she didn't.

530. When did outrage go from

531. pitchforks and torches to

532. strongly worded tweets.

533. Even if you were outraged, what

534. are you going to do, stop

535. listening to Beyonce?

536. Impossible.

537. She's too good, she's like the

538. Beyonce of music.

539. And the better you are at

540. something, the more you can get away with.

541. You know, not long ago, there

542. was an actual petition to kick

543. Justin bieber out of the country

544. just for being a horrible person.

545. Then we heard that song sorry

546. and said, oh, man you can stay.

547. People got bad when kanye

548. tweeted Billy cosby is innocent

549. this week.

550. But my first thought was damn, kanye's new album must be

551. dope.

552. And it is.

553. When you're that dope you

554. can whatever you want.

555. My grandmother is the most

556. prejudice person we know and we all ignore it.

557. - Why? - Because she's the Beyonce of

558. sweet potato pie.

559. This month nbc will

560. air a special that features a reunion of the cast of

561. friends, here to comment is

562. Rachel from friends.

563. This is incredible.

564. It's so great to see you, Rachel.

565. Oh, Colin, hi, hi.

566. Oh, hi, hi.

567. Oh, wow yeah.

568. You know, I don't think I've

569. seen you since the '90s.

570. - How have you been? - Oh, what?

571. Yeah, yeah, I've been — I've

572. been good.

573. I've been good.

574. Yeah.

575. Good. So are you excited to see all

576. your friends again?

577. Oh, yeah, Joey, Chandler,

578. phoebs, mon, and of coarse Ross.

579. Yeah.

580. Yeah, that's all of them.

581. You know, I'm seeing them tonight.

582. Phoebs is playing a show at

583. central perk and then we're all

584. jumping in a fountain with

585. umbrellas.

586. You should come.

587. I'll see you there.

588. Okay, yeah.

589. Okay, bye.

590. I'm sorry, what just

591. happened?

592. Oh, yeah, you know, that happens

593. to me every few minutes.

594. Yeah, yeah, it's weird.

595. I don't know, it's weird.

596. Speaking of which.

597. Hey, what's that?

598. What's what?

599. That?

600. Well, that's Michael che.

601. She's on "friends" she's

602. never seen a black person, Colin.

603. Oh, yeah, hey, why don't you

604. both come over tonight.

605. Phoebs is going to bring her new boyfriend.

606. And he's not going to fit in.

607. - I'll see you there. - Yeah.

608. Oh, shhhh.

609. Wait, now you have a baby?

610. Oh, yeah, sometimes, yeah.

611. Take him.

612. Rachel, is it me or do you

613. always sound surprised by everything?

614. What?

615. Oh, yeah, no.

616. Okay. Okay?

617. What? Yeah?

618. Huh?

619. Rachel from "friends."

620. Okay.

621. At a rally in Baton Rouge

622. this week, Donald trump signed

623. the hand of a toddler, the

624. message read sweetly and simply,

625. deport me.

626. Just yesterday Ted Cruz

627. pulled a new campaign ad after

628. it was revealed that a woman

629. featured in the ad was a former

630. soft core porn actress, once you

631. know she's a porn actress, the

632. guys entrance at the end of the

633. ad is a lot more fun.

634. Here it is.

635. Maybe you should vote for more than just a pretty face next time.

636. You guys have room for one more?

637. I'm beginning to think that started as a porno and they

638. ended up talking about Ted Cruz.

639. Listen to it again, with the

640. music turned up.

641. Maybe you should vote for more than just a pretty face next time.

642. You guys have room for one more?

643. I'm Ted Cruz and I approve this porno.

644. Seamless voiceover.

645. U.S. officials say the

646. satellite north Korea launched

647. into orbit is tumbling and

648. incapable of functioning.

649. Earning it the nickname, Marco

650. rubio.

651. Anheuser-busch is saying

652. that Peyton Manning was not paid

653. to say he was going to drink a

654. lot of budweiser after the super bowl.

655. I guess it was a coincidence he

656. left the field on a wagon drawn

657. by clydesdales screaming,

658. whassup.

659. On Thursday scientists announced the detection of

660. gravitational waves whose

661. existence was first proposed by

662. Albert Einstein in 1916, it's a

663. pretty complicated idea.

664. Here to explain it to us is

665. Denver broncos linebacker and

666. super bowl mvp, Von Miller.

667. Von, you studied science in college?

668. Yeah, I guess you could say I

669. did.

670. Alright now explain this to us

671. the gravitational waves were

672. discovered when two black holes

673. collided with each other?

674. Yes.

675. Let me put it like this.

676. Two huge forces slamming

677. together like me and cam Newton.

678. You're just talking about

679. football, man?

680. No, I'm talking about science.

681. These forces collide and make

682. gravity waves like when I

683. collided with cam Newton,

684. forcing the fumble.

685. Sounds like you're bragging,

686. are you sure you're not bragging

687. about this?

688. I told you, this is science, man.

689. These waves are everywhere in the universe.

690. Just like I'm everywhere when cam Newton's around.

691. Von, you already won, man.

692. Look this is a huge discovery

693. no one ever thought it would happen.

694. Kind of like on one ever thought

695. that we would keep the number one offense.

696. But hey it happened and it's amazing.

697. Discovery proves that Einstein's

698. theory, me equals mvp.

699. You got that right, Von

700. Miller, everybody.

701. Every chipotle in the

702. country this week shut down for

703. four hours to hold a company

704. wide staff meeting about food safety.

705. Meanwhile, panda express shut

706. down for two hours to hold

707. underground rat fights.

708. So much money on rat fights.

709. A new survey lists the most

710. romantic city in the country as

711. Alexandria, Virginia.

712. The least romantic is flu farts,

713. Ohio.

714. The renowned doctor who

715. discovered cte in football players

716. says he's absolutely certain that

717. O.J. Simpson suffers from the condition.

718. He believes o.J. Developed cte due to repeated

719. injuries he suffered while

720. committing double murder.

721. But do you get it?

722. Valentine's day has officially started right now,

723. and here to comment is our own Leslie Jones.

724. - Happy Valentine's day. - Are you having a good

725. Valentine's day?

726. I am now, you sexy dollop of

727. miracle whip.

728. I just want to spread you on my

729. sammich.

730. I'm happy being single on

731. Valentine's day, because I know the

732. perfect man is out there for me.

733. Okay well they say there's someone for everyone.

734. Do you know what you're looking for?

735. Absolutely, you want a list?

736. Yes, I do.

737. Dim the lights.

738. Give me something smooth,

739. Manuel.

740. I'm sorry, who is Manuel?

741. He's my piano player.

742. Hola.

743. Take it away, Manuel.

744. My perfect man is happy, kind, good

745. kisser, but not too wet.

746. Don't slobber on me.

747. Good breath.

748. Treats me with respect.

749. Tight ass.

750. Considerate.

751. I'm talking about an ass

752. so tight that it can crack

753. walnuts.

754. I love walnuts.

755. Good hair, nice skin.

756. Smells like an Israeli.

757. Have you ever smelled an

758. Israeli?

759. Definitely not, no.

760. Generous, punctual, good

761. sized penis.

762. One that is circumcised and

763. functioning all the time.

764. Big smile, which shouldn't be a

765. problem if your penis is

766. functioning all the time.

767. I want a man who's confident,

768. likes flowers, but don't send me

769. any flowers.

770. Because I don't like flowers

771. flowers is death.

772. You know how a body decomposes

773. and then starts to stink.

774. That's what you're sending me

775. when you send me flowers.

776. Because you already cut them up

777. and you're sending them to me

778. because they're dead and they

779. stink of death.

780. Death fumes.

781. I got a bag full of rotten

782. garbage dead flowers.

783. A bag full of death.

784. - Are you okay, Leslie? - I'm fine.

785. Patience.

786. Hates avocados.

787. I need a man that talks dirty to

788. me, but not so dirty where I got

789. to give him this look.

790. I want a man that's loyal.

791. Funny, but not funnier than me.

792. And so far, that has not been a

793. problem.

794. Smokes weed.

795. Mom loves me, but not enough

796. where she wants to hang out with

797. me, unless she smokes weed.

798. I want a man who can grill a

799. steak without having to cut into

800. it and check if it's cooked like

801. a little bitch.

802. How many steaks have you seen me cut?

803. Completely despises avocados.

804. You already mentioned the avocados.

805. Clearly that is important to me, Jost.

806. I have to say, Leslie, this

807. is quite a list of demands.

808. Yeah, because these are the qualities that I admire about myself.

809. Except for the part about the good sized penis.

810. Make no mistake, if I had a penis.

811. It would be huge.

812. Leslie Jones, everybody.

813. For weekend update, I'm Colin Jost.

814. I'm Michael che, goodnight.

815. Ladies, now, it's time for your final test.

816. You're going to use each of the

817. pickup techniques you learned in

818. my class, the art of the pickup

819. for the first time in a real

820. world situation.

821. Veronica, you're up.

822. Now, remember, zero in on the

823. guy you like, compliment his friend to make him jealous and

824. neg him, say something negative get him off his game.

825. Hey I like your haircut.

826. - Thanks. - I don't know about your

827. friend's shirt, gray is not your color.

828. - What? - I'm interested.

829. What is my color.

830. Perfect.

831. Say something negative, pique his interest.

832. Rhonda, why don't you give it a try?

833. I'm ready.

834. I like your hair.

835. Thank you.

836. I think you're a piece of crap I will bash your brains in.

837. Whoa, what?

838. How was that?

839. That was very bad, Rhonda.

840. Way too negative.

841. Let's try one of our pickup lines.

842. Joe, you're up. Remember to initiate physical

843. contact.

844. Is that a mirror in your pants, because I can see myself in them.

845. Cool, so aggressive.

846. That was perfect, guys.

847. Rhonda, give it another shot?

848. All right.

849. I like your outfit.

850. Thank you.

851. I'd like it better crumpled

852. up on my bedroom floor?

853. - Nice. - Just don't let it touch my

854. Uncle Jesse's trundle bed, I

855. think he's a serial killer.

856. He pretty much told me so.

857. What are you doing?

858. What is this?

859. Are you hitting us?

860. No. But I'd like to hit your face

861. with a wrench.

862. Rhonda!

863. Duty calls.

864. I think I'm getting it.

865. What did Rhonda do wrong?

866. - She said her Uncle's a serial killer? - Yes.

867. And she made that tiny fart

868. noise with her mouth.

869. I'd just like to point out

870. now whenever he smells a

871. fart, he's going to think of me, dummy.

872. Janis, why don't you give it a shot?

873. Do you know what would look

874. good on you?

875. - What? - Me.

876. Damn, can I buy you a drink?

877. Let me try.

878. Do you know what would look good on you?

879. Let me guess, you?

880. No, not me, my Uncle Joe.

881. He's huge and he has a cool haircut.

882. Oh, my God.

883. Stop that!

884. Oh, my God.

885. The world would be better if I choked you out and hit you in the head with a rock.

886. What the hell.

887. I initiated physical contact.

888. Rhonda, you choked him, put

889. your fingers in his mouth.

890. Then in your mouth.

891. Yeah, but then I let him go, and I showed mercy.

892. So you're the dumb one.

893. Fine, won't you show us

894. what you learned.

895. Remember to try to set future plans.

896. Me and my friends have a bet.

897. How much do you think the ball

898. in time's square weighs, maybe

899. we should go out on new year's and ask.

900. I've never been to New York

901. except for one serious surgery.

902. Me and my friends have a bet.

903. I hear prison executions, the victim poops himself on a slab.

904. Maybe we should go to together

905. to see if if he poops on the slab.

906. If he does indeed poop on the

907. slab I'll give you $10,000.

908. If he doesn't you'll kiss me on the mouth.

909. But I don't have the money

910. so I hope he poops.

911. Get off me.

912. Stop that, stop that.

913. Don't do that.

914. Uh-oh.

915. My Uncle Joe's here.

916. Somebody touched my trundle

917. bed.

918. Yes, I'm nervous.

919. Of course I'm nervous.

920. But it's like, this is the thing

921. I've wanted my whole life.

922. Man, I wear mc's like a sandal

923. blow them out be gone.

924. The flame from the candle.

925. When I'm rhyming, rapping, that's me.

926. I mean, this is what I've been

927. working for.

928. It's what I've been building toward.

929. And if I don't try now, when

930. will I try?

931. This week is exciting, though.

932. With kanye on, and I'm a big fan.

933. This week I think I want to

934. freestyle battle.

935. - That's gutsy. - That is gutsy.

936. I think a lot of people are

937. wondering, why are you focusing on this?

938. My goal here is for people to

939. look at me and go, wait a second.

940. That's hip-hop.

941. Hip-hop culture has always been

942. so important to me.

943. I even taught myself how to breakdance.

944. I was good, lining really really

945. really really really really

946. really good.

947. Here I am, a kid moonwalking.

948. I'm doing music videos,

949. thinking, this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life.

950. It's all finally happening.

951. And then this is where it's not

952. easy.

953. Then I get hired by "Saturday night live."

954. I have no idea what I'm doing out there.

955. I'm lost, I'm scared.

956. I feel like everybody's

957. thinking, wait, he's not a rapper.

958. It's like when people see me,

959. they see, oh, he's this white

960. nerdy guy, sort of a heart throb

961. on the rise maybe.

962. But that doesn't matter.

963. The real reason I'm here is to

964. become the greatest rapper alive.

965. And I think I can do that by

966. being kanye west in a battle.

967. A freestyle battle.

968. Kanye west. Man?

969. That stinks, grab a mint.

970. What is that, your kanye breath?

971. Whoa!

972. That's actually dope.

973. Here we go.

974. Kanye, I'm going to battle you.

975. Kanye west.

976. Kanye west.

977. You need a mint for your kanye breath.

978. When I'm done with you, there's

979. going to be no kanyes left.

980. Are you going to say anything?

981. No, I guess not. Because it seems like I'm the

982. verbal catcher's mit, you've

983. been caught.

984. Like a teacher with a lesson.

985. I miss the old kanye, chop up

986. the soul kanye.

987. Straight from the go kanye.

988. I'll with the flow kanye.

989. I hate the new kanye.

990. The always rude kanye.

991. The bad move kanye.

992. Spreading the news kanye.

993. I miss the old kanye.

994. Kicking the flows kanye.

995. Where are the thoughts at ye.

996. I miss the old kanye.

997. You know we love kanye.

998. You used to love kanye.

999. You had the pink ball.

1000. We thought you was kanye.

1001. We used to love kanye.

1002. That's all it was kanye.

1003. Well guess what

1004. I love you like kanye loves kanye.

1005. Well, that was the biggest

1006. mistake of my life.

1007. I just destroyed kanye in a rap

1008. battle and now he's probably

1009. really sad.

1010. Well, at least my career's on fire.

1011. Yes!

1012. Doing things.

1013. Okay, this is Franklin

1014. station, transfer here for the

1015. m-26 to Greenville.

1016. - Hello. - Hello, ma'am.

1017. Would you like to sit down miss?

1018. Yes, thanks.

1019. You got it.

1020. So nice.

1021. That's got to feel good?

1022. Yes, it does.

1023. Chivalry isn't dead, right?

1024. I kind of meant the other thing.

1025. - What other thing? - White man gives up his seat

1026. in the front of the bus.

1027. I have to say, we've come a long way, baby.

1028. Okay.

1029. You know, they're showing roots on television for

1030. February, you know, and I have

1031. just been glued to that sucker so good.

1032. Prime Ben vereen, prime O.J. Simpson.

1033. It's a can't miscast really.

1034. What character I love is kanye Kinney.

1035. Kunta kinte.

1036. I don't speak it, but I enjoy the work.

1037. You sure you don't want to sit back down?

1038. No, I'm good.

1039. I have to be honest, I don't

1040. love a lot of black movies.

1041. Like the one where she poops?

1042. The pie and — where was that?

1043. She was a maid, she pooped in a

1044. pie and made a lady eat it.

1045. Is that called poop pie?

1046. No, it's called "the help."

1047. It's a little racy for me,

1048. but roots I do enjoy.

1049. I told my husband Ron, if this

1050. is roots, which one is

1051. questlove.

1052. He did not get that one.

1053. That o.J. Is — was handsome.

1054. That's a waste, huh?

1055. Hey, man, I'm just going to get out here.

1056. - This is a highway, ma'am. - That's fine.

1057. You know, there's another

1058. one, I didn't love is also got

1059. slaves in it, it's not roots.

1060. I think it's — is it eight

1061. - years I got a slave? - No.

1062. - Eight years I got a slave. - It's 12 years a slave.

1063. Oh, was it 12 years, I didn't

1064. see the whole thing.

1065. Hey, man, you can open up the

1066. door and I can tuck and roll out.

1067. You don't even have to stop.

1068. Look at that, we're like a

1069. benetton ad, huh?

1070. If I had to choose, I do prefer

1071. white movies.

1072. There's so many great ones, the

1073. godfather, the gremlins, star wars.

1074. Oh, boy. But I did enjoy roots just as

1075. much as any white movie.

1076. You know what I was telling Ron.

1077. I said, how about somebody make

1078. roots with an all white cast.

1079. You can't go wrong with that.

1080. Hey, hey man does this window open.

1081. I could slide right out of this window.

1082. One second. Wait, hold on.

1083. Yeah, why?

1084. A bomb? Now?

1085. Okay hold on.

1086. I just got word if I go below 50

1087. Miles per hour, this bus will explode.

1088. What?

1089. I don't waned to die with you.

1090. I don't want to die without

1091. seeing the end of roots?

1092. I mean, do they ever get free?

1093. Don't worry, ma'am, I have a

1094. full tank of gas in this baby,

1095. so we can ride all night.

1096. I just have to make one quick stop.

1097. No!

1098. Once again, kanye west!

1099. this is a God dream

1100. this is everything

1101. deliver us loving

1102. we know we need

1103. and I'mma need you now

1104. this is a God dream

1105. this is a God dream

1106. we on an ultra light beam

1107. this is a God dream

1108. but I'm looking for more

1109. somewhere I can feel safe

1110. so why send depression

1111. you do me wrong

1112. to make these wrongs

1113. I look to the light

1114. everything alright

1115. afraid of the night

1116. cause I

1117. I will shield your name

1118. I will field their questions

1119. they don't know

1120. 'til they drifted pangaea

1121. since Arthur was anteater

1122. of familia my daughter look just like sia

1123. and spirit coming in braille

1124. I'm never going to hell I met kanye west

1125. with chance three ♪ ♪ I hear you gotta

1126. sell it to snatch the grammy let's make it so free

1127. nobody else speak

1128. glory be to God yeah

1129. with it

1130. with the light

1131. but I'm looking for more

1132. somewhere I can feel safe

1133. Father, this prayer is for

1134. everybody that feels like gmng up.

1135. This prayer's for everybody that

1136. feels like they're not good enough.

1137. For everyone that says that you

1138. said, "I'm sorry," too many

1139. times.

1140. Jesus, I'm glad you came to give

1141. us eternal life.

1142. I'm so glad about it.

1143. That's what we're looking for.

1144. While we fighting this —

1145. Cats.

1146. A cat is a ticket to fun.

1147. A cat is a dream come true with fur.

1148. A cat is an animal in your

1149. house that you're okay with.

1150. Cats are your best shot at

1151. having a cat.

1152. So come on down for our

1153. Valentine's day cat giveaway,

1154. here at whiskers r' we.

1155. Hi, I'm Barbara dedrew.

1156. And I'm Tabitha, but I

1157. changed it to tabbytha because

1158. of cats.

1159. You're fricking nuts.

1160. Many of these rescue cats

1161. come from owners who didn't

1162. value their specialness.

1163. Let's take a look at today's

1164. Fe-lineup.

1165. Shall we. This is Riley.

1166. She's a millennial, she uses the

1167. Twitter box.

1168. But I think she's a troll,

1169. because she fills it with crap.

1170. I said it, I don't get it.

1171. You're a corn ball.

1172. No I'm a horn ball.

1173. Cool it, we're on camera.

1174. Don't adjust your set.

1175. Toby is a hairless cat.

1176. But he wasn't born that way.

1177. I covered him with nair and

1178. ripped out all his hair.

1179. And now he's got a bone to pick with me.

1180. He'll thank you come swimsuit

1181. season.

1182. Oh, look who we have here,

1183. this is William.

1184. You should know, William hasn't

1185. been neutered yet, so he still

1186. wears condoms.

1187. He always leaves the little

1188. rappers everywhere, like we get it, dude.

1189. How wonderful.

1190. This is sprinkles.

1191. Sprinkles has a sad history.

1192. He was involved in medical

1193. experimentation.

1194. He would put lipstick in

1195. rabbits eyes until they

1196. screamed.

1197. Little jerkass.

1198. He's still nice to pet, though.

1199. Tabitha.

1200. I put the cat down already, I think you know that.

1201. I cat help it.

1202. Please, we both know you're

1203. just doing this to piss off your senator father.

1204. We call this cat o.J. Because

1205. he's orange like the juice and a

1206. murderer like the athlete.

1207. I find him guilty of being adorable.

1208. And again, murder.

1209. And this is whiskers.

1210. I don't know if you can tell,

1211. but whiskers is a dog in a cat costume.

1212. We think it's kind of a Mrs. Doubtfire situation.

1213. He has to pretend to be a cat

1214. so he can see his kids.

1215. Anyway, come on down to whiskers r' we.

1216. Our policy is bring a bag, and

1217. we'll put a cat in it.

1218. Time to climb up on the scratching post I guess.

1219. There we go.

1220. Happy Valentine's day.

1221. Whiskers r' we valentines cat giveaway.

1222. See you there.

1223. Thank you.

1224. Thank you. Thank you thank you to kanye west.

1225. Chance the rapper

1226. Kelly price

1227. kirk Franklin, the young thugs

1228. thank you snl.

1229. Thank you New York City.