Saturday Night Live 41x10

1. > live on the fox business

2. network, it's the sixth

3. republican debate.

4. hello and welcome back.

5. i'm fox business rock star neil

6. ka voouto.

7. and i'm maria bartiromo.

8. a reminder, we've lost a few

9. competitors since the last

10. debate, with only seven joining

11. us tonight.

12. so remember, candidates, if at

13. any time tonight your poll

14. numbers drop below 3% you will

15. hear a loud gong, then be

16. escorted off the stage like

17. showtime at the apollo.

18. at which point you'll take a

19. seat in the audience next to

20. that sweet rose of the

21. carolinas, senator lindsey

22. graham.

23. the next question is for our

24. front-runner, donald trump.

25. thank you, maria tony romo.

26. mr. trump, since the last

27. debate ted cruz has pulled ahead

28. of you in iowa.

29. is it true you've started

30. attacking him because you see

31. him as a threat?

32. frankly, maria, i'm glad

33. everyone is talking about my

34. good friend rafael eduardo cruz.

35. people are coming up to me all

36. the time saying, donald, ted

37. cruz was born in canada, he

38. can't be president.

39. his campaign is illegal.

40. their words, not mine.

41. donald, this debate about

42. natural-born citizenship is just

43. political nonsense.

44. clearly i am not canadian.

45. canadians are well liked.

46. i am not.

47. canadians are rugged and

48. outdoorsy, where i myself am

49. mostly made of pudding.

50. canadians are genuine and warm,

51. whereas when i smile it looks

52. like i'm peeing.

53. all right.

54. governor christie, if i ask you

55. a question, do you promise not

56. to turn your answer into a

57. tirade against president obama?

58. i promise.

59. how would you change the tax

60. code?

61. barack obama is the worst

62. president in history!

63. and when chris christie is

64. president, the first thing we

65. will do is kick your rear end

66. out of the white house, buddy.

67. well, whoever is elected

68. president obama will be required

69. to leave, it will be the end of

70. his term.

71. yeah.

72. because i'm going to send him

73. packing.

74. he'll already have packed and

75. left because his term will be

76. over.

77. yeah, it will.

78. this next question is for

79. jeb.

80. it is?

81. wait, i'm sorry.

82. i'm wrong.

83. it says ted.

84. ted cruz.

85. aw.

86. mr. cruz, you suggested mr.

87. trump embodies new york values.

88. could you explain what you mean

89. by that?

90. i think most people know

91. exactly what new york values

92. are.

93. and frankly, they are not the

94. rest of the country's values.

95. instead of celebrating

96. christmas, new yorkers celebrate

97. a pagan holiday called festivus.

98. instead of watching american

99. football, they challenge each

100. other to masturbation contests.

101. in new york people don't say hi

102. to their neighbors.

103. they say "hello, newman."

104. it sounds like you're

105. describing the tv show

106. "seinfeld."

107. is that what you mean by new

108. york values?

109. believe me, if i could say

110. liberal jews, i would.

111. dr. carson, you've said we're

112. not doing enough to dismantle

113. and destroy isis.

114. what would you do as president?

115. well, whenever i think of

116. isis, i get so furious.

117. i just go into beast mode.

118. okay, look.

119. okay, war has changed in the

120. 6,000 years that the earth has

121. existed.

122. our enemies can now send an

123. electromagnetic pulse into our

124. xoatmosphere scrambling our

125. electrocity.

126. i'm talking dirty bombs, cyber

127. fights, laser people.

128. and robotrons.

129. mr. trump, we now turn to

130. china.

131. hold on.

132. i'm getting a call from a

133. respected expert.

134. hello?

135. what?

136. you're saying jeb bush is a

137. little girl?

138. no, i'm not.

139. and he can't be president

140. because his hand's bigger than

141. his face?

142. that's not true.

143. look — oh, dang it.

144. our next question is for

145. marco rubio.

146. can i ask my question myself?

147. why am i not winning?

148. is it the boots?

149. i could lose the boots.

150. i mean, come on.

151. i'm young.

152. i'm smart.

153. i'm the only one up here with a

154. chin.

155. there's six clowns up here and

156. one human man.

157. why is no one paying attention

158. to me?

159. what did he say?

160. i wasn't listening.

161. finally, we turn to governor

162. bush.

163. governor, would you like to tell

164. everyone the joke i heard you

165. practicing in the bathroom

166. earlier?

167. okay.

168. in hillary's first 100 days as

169. president she's going from the

170. white house to the courthouse.

171. it's okay.

172. you don't need to tell jokes

173. because you are one.

174. jebra.

175. that's not my name.

176. yes, it is.

177. and i have it on good authority

178. that jebra is wearing spanx

179. right now.

180. you shut up.

181. they're for support!

182. all right.

183. we'll take our first break.

184. oh, this is exciting.

185. we have confirmation that chris

186. christie has just dipped below

187. 3% in the national poll.

188. hey, come on.

189. don't do — oh, come on!

190. well, that's a lot of fun.

191. we'll be right back with more.

192. and live from new york, it's

193. saturday night!

194. it's "saturday

195. night live."

196. with vanessa bayer!

197. beck bennett!

198. aidy bryant!

199. colin jost!

200. taran killam!

201. kate mckinnon!

202. kyle mooney!

203. bobby moynihan!

204. jay pharoah!

205. cecily strong!

206. kenan thompson!

207. sasheer zamata!

208. featuring michael che!

209. pete davidson!

210. leslie jones!

211. jon rudnitsky!

212. musical guest chris stapleton!

213. and your host, adam driver!

214. ladies and gentlemen,

215. adam driver!

216. thank you.

217. thank you, thank you, thank you,

218. thank you.

219. thank you very much.

220. before we start, i just want to

221. say, congratulations to the

222. arizona cardinals.

223. welcome to the first show of

224. 2016.

225. right now i'm in a movie called

226. "star wars: the force awakens."

227. please, please, please go see

228. it.

229. if this one does well, they

230. might make another.

231. i'm so fortunate to be part of

232. such an illustrious franchise,

233. especially since i've only been

234. acting for a few years.

235. before that i was in the

236. military.

237. and i was very intimidating.

238. we have a photo i think to prove

239. it.

240. back when the the marines were

241. accepting 12-year-olds.

242. but it really is an honor to be

243. in "star wars."

244. never, ever will you find a more

245. devoted fan base.

246. they're very intense.

247. i know.

248. "star wars" fans.

249. ridiculous, right?

250. quick question.

251. what happens in the next film,

252. adam?

253. you know i can't tell you

254. that.

255. they won't even tell me that.

256. oh, you can't tell me because

257. the audience is here, right?

258. okay.

259. i'm going to ask you at the

260. after-party, though.

261. no, you won't.

262. i've been dealing with this all

263. week.

264. hey, bobby.

265. oh, come on.

266. it could be kenan.

267. come on, it could be kenan in

268. here.

269. it's not kenan.

270. it's bobby.

271. where did you find that suit?

272. i made it.

273. how much did that cost you?

274. 65 — $6500.

275. bobby, take off the mask.

276. hey.

277. sorry.

278. is that a wig?

279. yeah.

280. it's a wig.

281. the wig was 800 bucks.

282. listen, i've got to know what

283. happens to kylo ren, man.

284. does he die?

285. please, just tell me.

286. all right.

287. fine, i die.

288. oh, no.

289. but my friends put sunglasses

290. on me and i pretend i'm alive

291. all weekend.

292. oh, my god.

293. it's perfect.

294. leave this man alone.

295. okay.

296. what's your "star wars"

297. question?

298. man, i ain't seen "star

299. wars."

300. i want to know why you wasn't in

301. "the martian" with matt damon

302. because y'all was the bomb in

303. "good will hunting."

304. how many times do i have to

305. tell you, i'm adam driver, not

306. minnie driver.

307. oh.

308. you're adam driver.

309. well, i don't know what the

310. internet is talking about

311. because you are fine.

312. bobby got a picture of you over

313. his bed.

314. hey, come on.

315. we've got a great show tonight.

316. okay?

317. adam driver is here.

318. chris stapleton is here.

319. we'll be right back!

320. we're back for the fourth

321. quarter with arizona leading

322. green bay 28-17.

323. al michaels here with you

324. along with cris collinsworth.

325. along with cris collinsworth.

326. and this game has been a

327. nightmare for the packers, cris.

328. it really has.

329. after losing their first three

330. quarterbacks to injury green bay

331. is turning to a fourth-string

332. back who i've never heard of.

333. jared schleff has not taken a

334. snap for green bay all year.

335. but here he is in their biggest

336. game of the season.

337. well, the playoffs is

338. certainly where you'll find the

339. most unlikely of heroes.

340. absolutely.

341. let's go down to the field where

342. schleff is in the shotgun.

343. he takes the snap.

344. oh, my god.

345. folks, this is one of the

346. worst injuries i've seen in my

347. 40-year career.

348. that's just devastating.

349. i think watching that made me

350. sick.

351. absolutely.

352. no one should ever have to

353. witness something that shocking.

354. let's see it again.

355. oh, my.

356. i do pray for him.

357. i do.

358. absolutely.

359. let me assure all the viewers

360. at home that we are not going to

361. subject you to that again.

362. from that angle.

363. this new angle is much better.

364. oh.

365. the new angle makes me think

366. this is cgi or something.

367. legs don't do that.

368. let's go to our sideline

369. reporter michele tafoya, who's

370. with packers team doctor

371. lucas kavner.

372. dr. kavner, obviously a

373. really tough injury for schleff.

374. will he be back on the field?

375. well, it looks pretty bad but

376. he's a young man.

377. i wouldn't give up on him.

378. i can't diagnose him because i

379. couldn't really see exactly what

380. happened.

381. oh, you know what?

382. we have it right here.

383. oh, lord, take my eyes!

384. blind me, lord!

385. oh, he's done.

386. he is done forever.

387. we'll check in with michele

388. in a little bit.

389. obviously this is a full

390. contact sport, but nobody should

391. have to see something this

392. gruesome and appalling.

393. luckily we'll never have to

394. watch that clip again.

395. and the arizona coach is

396. asking to see the clip again.

397. looks like bruce arians has

398. thrown a challenge flag.

399. he believes that schleff

400. fumbled the ball.

401. but did he?

402. let's take a look.

403. i think that's a fumble.

404. remember, the play is dead

405. when the front of your knee

406. touches the ground.

407. sure.

408. but what about the back of your

409. knee?

410. i don't know.

411. in the meantime let's go back

412. to michele, who's with jared

413. schleff.

414. al, dr. kavner is doing what

415. he can for schleff.

416. he's holding a bible.

417. now he's pulled out a gun.

418. he seems to be weighing his

419. options.

420. back to you, al.

421. okay.

422. let's move on to something fun.

423. our at&t fanpinion of the game.

424. tonight's fanpinion is about

425. jared schleff.

426. what do you think was the worst

427. part of jared's injury?

428. was it, a, the nauseating

429. reality that legs could bend

430. like that?

431. b, that sound, that terrible

432. sound?

433. or c, knowing that somewhere

434. deep down this is why you watch

435. football?

436. text us your answers.

437. we'll have the results after

438. this commercial.

439. when we return, green bay finds

440. another quarterback.

441. looks like the coach is

442. asking for volunteers from the

443. crowd.

444. big opportunity for a fan.

445. oh, wow.

446. > each week we follow the boss

447. of a major organization as they

448. go undercover to find out what's

449. really going on in their

450. company.

451. this is "undercover boss:

452. star killer base."

453. kylo ren is the commander of the

454. first order, a massive regime

455. dedicated to wiping out the

456. galactic resistance.

457. this week kylo is going

458. undercover among star killer

459. base personnel as matt, a radar

460. technician.

461. you get so caught up in

462. restoring the galaxy to its

463. rightful state that you miss

464. what's going on behind the

465. scenes.

466. i'm looking forward to having

467. some real talk with some real

468. folks.

469. we've put hidden cameras in

470. an employee common area, and no

471. one has any idea that matt is

472. their boss, kylo ren.

473. hi.

474. i'm matt.

475. i'm a radar technician.

476. you guys like working here?

477. you know, work is work.

478. yeah, totally.

479. what do you guys think of kylo

480. ren?

481. do you guys believe it when he

482. says he's going for what darth

483. vader started?

484. what exactly has he started?

485. i will say this for kylo.

486. i think he gets a bad rap.

487. yeah.

488. he's trying to accomplish

489. something that's never been done

490. in the history of the galaxy.

491. you know, rule everything?

492. that's impressive.

493. i admire the guy.

494. yeah.

495. exactly.

496. exactly.

497. okay, okay.

498. real easy.

499. all you've got to do is rewire

500. the calcinator.

501. so remove this?

502. does that look like the

503. calcinator?

504. what's wrong with you?

505. why is it so hard for you to

506. understand?

507. i don't know.

508. but will you please stop yelling

509. at me?

510. you're starting to stress me

511. out.

512. i have a newfound respect for

513. what my employees do.

514. okay, now can we rewire it,

515. please?

516. so i can go have my muffin?

517. i haven't had my muffin yet,

518. matt.

519. it's not as easy as i

520. presumed.

521. what up, matt?

522. hey, you kicked my wrench.

523. jerk face.

524. look, i found kylo ren's

525. light saber.

526. that's awesome.

527. that thing looks dangerous.

528. poorly made.

529. you don't have to look at it

530. anymore!

531. i'm 90% sure matt is kylo

532. ren.

533. yeah, it's been a rough year

534. for my family.

535. we lost our son back in april.

536. he was in the storm trooper

537. program.

538. and we're getting by.

539. oh, man.

540. sorry about that.

541. must be hard.

542. hearing that zack lost his

543. son really struck a nerve with

544. me.

545. especially since i'm the one

546. that killed him.

547. hey.

548. i ran into kylo ren in the

549. bathroom.

550. he told me to give you this.

551. after the rain comes the

552. rainbow.

553. sorry i killed your son.

554. this means something to me

555. now.

556. a buddy of mine saw kylo ren

557. take his shirt off in the shower

558. and he said that kylo ren had an

559. eight-pack, that kylo ren was

560. shredded.

561. what?

562. your friend's a liar, man.

563. kylo ren is a punk bitch.

564. that guy looks like he weighs

565. 30 pounds soaking wet underneath

566. that little black dress.

567. tim?

568. tim!

569. oh, no.

570. he's choking on food.

571. i see what's in your mind.

572. and it is stupid!

573. dude, matt straight up sucks.

574. i have a bombshell

575. announcement to make, guys.

576. i'm not matt.

577. i am —

578. kylo ren.

579. you're kylo ren.

580. you're kylo ren.

581. i knew when you threw me

582. through the phone machine.

583. i knew from "hi, i'm matt."

584. we really connected today.

585. i'm promoting you to superior

586. officer.

587. thank you, sir.

588. i had a blast today.

589. i really learned a lot.

590. and people are going to love the

591. new me.

592. > aladdin, we're so high up.

593. i've never flown on a magic

594. carpet before.

595. it's beautiful, isn't it?

596. but not as beautiful as you.

597. shining, shimmering splendid

598. let your heart decide

599. a whole new world a new

600. or where to go or say

601. i really like you, jasmine.

602. you're different.

603. do you like me?

604. yeah, i do.

605. i'm sorry.

606. some kind of fat bird just hit

607. my mouth.

608. i need a minute.

609. you'll be all right,

610. jasmine, you're safe with me.

611. just look how far we can see.

612. yeah, i think it had a fish

613. in its beak.

614. just slow down a little.

615. okay?

616. like i'm still into it.

617. that was a lot.

618. a dazzling place

619. you never knew

620. that now i'm in

621. a whole new

622. bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb!

623. oh, shoot.

624. we must be over syria.

625. i think i just pissed my

626. little thing i'm wearing.

627. it's magical.

628. they're open.

629. give me a second.

630. on a magic carpet ride

631. a whole new world a new

632. oh.

633. no.

634. what just happened?

635. i think an airplane just

636. emptied its toilet in the sky.

637. aladdin, take me back to the

638. palace.

639. quiet.

640. something's wrong with the

641. carpet.

642. i've got to make some fast

643. decisions now.

644. what's going on?

645. we're losing altitude.

646. i'm going to try to put her down

647. at that air force base.

648. did you taste sharisse's

649. cookies that she brought to the

650. airport?

651. now, a lot of people don't like

652. hard cookies, you know —

653. hang on, chris, we've got a

654. distress call coming in.

655. mayday, mayday!

656. requesting emergency landing!

657. i see you, pilot.

658. you are clear for landing.

659. this is going to be nuts.

660. god be with them!

661. they did it!

662. they landed!

663. and look, they're in love.

664. i hated that.

665. i'm drenched in you know

666. what.

667. but mama horny.

668. i am married.

669. how come you never talk about

670. it, then?

671. america's looking at cats

672. with your host finn

673. raynal-beads.

674. hey there.

675. i'm finn reynolds, not

676. raynal-beads.

677. i don't know how many times i

678. have to throw a fit about that.

679. i confronted so many people and

680. everyone just points a finger at

681. someone else.

682. but someone is responsible.

683. that doesn't just happen.

684. hey, guys.

685. thanks for all the great pet

686. videos this week, including this

687. one from a cat owner who

688. suspected someone had been going

689. through her drawers.

690. take a look.

691. oh, boy.

692. i know they're in here

693. somewhere.

694. hey.

695. these panties are going to look

696. great on this puss's booty.

697. whoa.

698. sorry, ma'am.

699. it's not what it looks like.

700. all right.

701. we've got an amazing treat for

702. you today.

703. so apparently, there's a french

704. version of this show.

705. and with me today are the two

706. hosts, joelle larue and noelle

707. lesoup.

708. come on out here, ladies.

709. bonjour.

710. bonjour.

711. okay.

712. thanks for coming all the way

713. from paris, you guys.

714. tell me a little bit about you

715. guys.

716. the show is called les

717. comedie des animeaux.

718. you though, in paris we are

719. the center of the world as far

720. as arts and culture so when we

721. see this show of yours we say we

722. must have this.

723. we will not rest until we

724. have the show.

725. is that real or you guys like

726. making fun of me?

727. oh, no, we just poke fun at

728. cats.

729. they don't care.

730. okay.

731. well, then i'm going to let you

732. guys handle this next clip of a

733. cat who has his first taste of

734. ice cream.

735. the cat has seconds to live.

736. she's cut off her oxygen.

737. she is quietly backing out of

738. the world.

739. she will not believe.

740. funny cat.

741. yeah, very funny cat.

742. okay, wow.

743. you guys do it a little

744. different than us.

745. we try to make the bloopers a

746. little sillier like with sound

747. effects and stuff.

748. do you know what i mean?

749. boy-yoy-yoing.

750. we can try boy-yoy-yoing.

751. oh, yeah, yeah.

752. that's great.

753. throw some boy-yoy-yoings in

754. there.

755. i'm just going roll a bunch of

756. clips and you guys can go crazy.

757. yes.

758. of course.

759. okay.

760. boy-yoy-yoing.

761. this cat has neurological

762. disorder.

763. she cannot gauge distance

764. between herself and the couch.

765. boy-yoy-yoing.

766. this cat is certainly dead.

767. that's a death spasm.

768. wacka wacka.

769. this cat also is dead.

770. this cat is in a death costume.

771. ka-bonk, this egomaniac has

772. walked into a tv and will not

773. come back the same.

774. say what?

775. he will never trust a tv

776. again.

777. ka-bonk.

778. boy-yoy-yoing.

779. it's a little dark.

780. you know what we find fun?

781. giving a cat a silly voice.

782. like "oh, i'm a big fat cat and

783. i can't fit through the cat

784. door.

785. derp."

786. yes.

787. this stupid voice coming from

788. cat would make me laugh.

789. i also was very close to

790. laughing.

791. but then i remember i just lost

792. my daughter in a custody battle

793. with my own mother.

794. oh, my god.

795. let's try one more before we

796. go back to france forever.

797. roll it.

798. my husband is in here.

799. my husband's ashes are in this

800. urn.

801. he died from drugs but i

802. don't care.

803. he was troubled but he was

804. mine.

805. i don't want to live anymore.

806. i want to be in hell with him.

807. where all suicides go.

808. armand.

809. here i come.

810. boy-yoy-yoing.

811. boy-yoy-yoing.

812. okay.

813. well, i'm getting word that my

814. producer is here to tell me

815. something.

816. hopefully privately.

817. well, it's not.

818. i want everybody to hear this.

819. you're canceled.

820. well, great.

821. i'm glad.

822. i think anyone would be proud to

823. do 18 seasons of this show.

824. i leave with my head held high.

825. just pack your junk,

826. raynal-beads.

827. boy-yoy-yoing.

828. ladies and gentlemen,

829. chris stapleton.

830. highway throwing shadows

831. in the dark and

832. it's raining you only need a

833. when whiskey is the only

834. thing you have

835. down falling feels like

836. flying till you

837. there for you

838. baby, i will be your

839. remember i never learned

840. to play and a lifetime

841. when it's raining

842. you only need a fire

843. when it's whiskey is the only

844. thing you have left to hold

845. falling feels like flying

846. there for you

847. baby, i will be your

848. going down

849. when it's raining

850. you only need a fire

851. when whiskey

852. is the only thing that you

853. goes back down

854. falling feels like flying

855. there for you

856. it's "weekend

857. update" with colin jost and

858. michael che.

859. > good evening, everyone.

860. welcome to "weekend update."

861. i'm michael che.

862. i'm colin jost.

863. and here are tonight's top

864. stories.

865. at the gop debate, donald trump

866. defended his concerns about

867. whether ted cruz, who was born

868. in canada to an american mother,

869. is eligible to be president,

870. saying there's a big question

871. mark on your head.

872. but there's also a big question

873. mark on trump's head if the wind

874. hits him just right.

875. > u.s. officials today

876. announced iran is releasing five

877. detained americans in exchange

878. for seven iranians held by the

879. u.s.

880. president obama praised the

881. deal while an outraged ben

882. carson said he wouldn't be

883. satisfied with any deal that

884. didn't include the prisoner of

885. azkaban.

886. a new poll shows that

887. bernie sanders leads

888. hillary clinton by 19 points

889. among female millennial voters

890. who like his proposals such as

891. free college tuition.

892. i don't know.

893. typically when young women

894. trust some old dude who promises

895. to pay for their college, it

896. doesn't always end well.

897. the nfl announced that the

898. st. louis rams will return to

899. los angeles, which i knew was

900. coming the second i saw their

901. mascot got some work done.

902. > the oscar nominations were

903. announced thursday and for the

904. second year in a row people are

905. complaining about the lack of

906. diversity among nominees.

907. but as a person of color, you

908. know, i'd be happy if the

909. academy just nominated movies

910. that people have actually seen.

911. i mean, are you telling me that

912. anybody here has actually seen

913. "room" or "brooklyn" or "the

914. golden moon"?

915. you're lying because i made that

916. last one up.

917. if you want people to watch the

918. academy awards, you have to give

919. us something we can root for.

920. okay?

921. just imagine how excited kids

922. would be to see "star wars" win

923. or black people to see "a

924. compton" win.

925. or how excited colin would be to

926. see "staten island summer"

927. nominated.

928. the oscars should showcase more

929. of the movies that people

930. actually watch.

931. like porno.

932. why can't porn be nominated?

933. oh, you're telling me it's okay

934. to watch movies about people

935. killing and dying and explosions

936. and death and that's all

937. perfectly fine but if i want to

938. watch two people make love i've

939. got to close my laptop because

940. i'm disturbing the other

941. passengers?

942. who's really the sicko?

943. > president obama says that he

944. will sign an executive order

945. mandating universal background

946. checks for gun purchases, which

947. many in congress oppose.

948. with more on this is our own

949. pete davidson.

950. hi, buddy.

951. i don't understand — oh, thank

952. you, lady.

953. i don't understand why anyone

954. would be against background

955. checks.

956. i wish i did a background check

957. on my roommate.

958. i might have found out he gets

959. his haircuts in the living room.

960. or he uses my toothbrush to

961. clean his toothbrush.

962. i actually saw a show that said

963. the debate was reopened about

964. whether mentally ill people

965. should be able to own guns.

966. which i didn't know was

967. debatable.

968. like one guy even said, "i don't

969. think the founding fathers

970. wanted people to lose their

971. rights just because they had a

972. mental illness."

973. which i guess sounds like it

974. makes sense, until you remember

975. we're talking about the 1700s,

976. when the most popular treatment

977. for schizophrenia was like,

978. fire.

979. like just lots of fire.

980. they didn't have lexapro.

981. you know?

982. as if that wasn't weird enough,

983. texas just passed a law allowing

984. people to carry guns into mental

985. institutions.

986. that's a real thing.

987. not like a joke that we wrote.

988. like that happens now.

989. here's a fun fact about me.

990. when i was a kid i was pretty

991. depressed and i spent some time

992. in a mental institution twice.

993. so far.

994. i'll be back.

995. and i learned two things.

996. one, the craziest guy there gets

997. to control the tv.

998. his name was two-eyed willie.

999. wait, hold on a second, why

1000. did they call him two eyed

1001. willie?

1002. they weren't his.

1003. and the second thing is none

1004. of those people including sme

1005. should ever be allowed near a

1006. gun.

1007. i can't believe they let me

1008. drive.

1009. like, every time i get behind

1010. the wheel i'm like, wow,

1011. somebody really dropped the

1012. ball, here.

1013. if i owned a gun i'd have to buy

1014. a new tv every time the knicks

1015. lost.

1016. the reason obama's going

1017. straight to an executive order

1018. is because congress refused to

1019. even pass a law banning people

1020. on the no-fly list from buying a

1021. gun.

1022. but like, shouldn't the gun list

1023. be the stricter list?

1024. like that means somebody out

1025. there is being told like,

1026. "sorry, sir, we don't trust you

1027. to fly to cleveland, but if you

1028. want to buy this assault rifle

1029. and take the bus."

1030. they don't have security on the

1031. bus, man.

1032. it's just the driver, who like

1033. might turn around once in a

1034. while and be like, "hey!"

1035. pete davidson, everyone.

1036. the armed protesters in

1037. oregon were upset after they

1038. made a plea for supplies and

1039. were sent a box containing sex

1040. toys.

1041. they were so upset, you could

1042. hear them loudly moaning about

1043. it.

1044. a woman in california is

1045. claiming that she found a

1046. severed fingertip in an

1047. applebee's salad.

1048. despite their promise to only

1049. add a tip for parties of six or

1050. more.

1051. > according to a report,

1052. former new york city mayor mike

1053. bloomberg secretly

1054. commissioned a poll last month

1055. to see how he would do if he ran

1056. for president as a third-party

1057. candidate.

1058. and i for one would love to see

1059. bloomberg run against trump.

1060. they're both new york

1061. billionaires yet they're so

1062. different.

1063. it's like a political version of

1064. the movie "twins."

1065. bloomberg, he looks like he'd

1066. speak softly and carry a big

1067. stick.

1068. trump looks like he'd yell

1069. loudly while his goons beat you

1070. with sticks.

1071. or maybe they should just team

1072. up.

1073. you know how trump is always

1074. saying "i'm going to get the

1075. smartest guy."

1076. bloomberg is the smartest guy.

1077. he could be the whole brain for

1078. the operation and live inside

1079. trump like krang from ninja

1080. turtles.

1081. but mostly i just want to see

1082. bloomberg at a campaign rally in

1083. mississippi and he tells

1084. everyone there he's taking their

1085. sodas away and they just rip him

1086. to pieces.

1087. plus if we follow a black

1088. president from chicago with a

1089. jewish president from new york,

1090. the south is definitely going to

1091. secede again.

1092. how would we even top that?

1093. we'd have to find a muslim

1094. president from hollywood.

1095. pressure's on, saeed from

1096. "lost."

1097. a british sex toy company has

1098. constructed a private booth in

1099. new york city for men to

1100. masturbate in.

1101. good.

1102. because i'm getting tired of

1103. doing it in colin's office.

1104. wait, what?

1105. i'm kidding, man.

1106. i would never get tired of

1107. masturbating in your office.

1108. man, i sleep in there.

1109. i'm quiet.

1110. a new study finds that nearly

1111. half of non-smoking teenagers in

1112. the u.s. are exposed to

1113. secondhand smoke, while the

1114. other half don't have stepdads.

1115. big stepdad crew here

1116. tonight.

1117. arizona police arrested a man

1118. who traveled all the way from

1119. pennsylvania to have sex with a

1120. horse.

1121. i mean, is that why he said he

1122. was there?

1123. because if so, he definitely

1124. came to do something way worse.

1125. "hey, you, what are you doing?"

1126. oh, me?

1127. nothing.

1128. i was just going to have sex

1129. with a horse.

1130. okay, you got me.

1131. i'm isis.

1132. > a new study finds that the

1133. most common names of geniuses

1134. are john and mary, while the

1135. least common are becky and shaq.

1136. oregon police arrested a man

1137. who tried to steal a

1138. two-foot-long python from a pet

1139. store by stuffing it down in his

1140. pants.

1141. yeah.

1142. said the man, "i'll give you a

1143. hint about which snake in my

1144. pants is bigger.

1145. it's the one that just bit my

1146. penis."

1147. a teenage girl in virginia

1148. saved her father after he was

1149. trapped under a burning pickup

1150. truck and she lifted it off him.

1151. and that story has already been

1152. nominated for eight country

1153. music awards.

1154. and now for our newscasters

1155. of tomorrow series, where we let

1156. kids read the news.

1157. tonight's junior anchor is a

1158. 12-year-old actress who's in the

1159. upcoming nickelodeon movie

1160. "study break tummy ache."

1161. please welcome laura parsons.

1162. hello, michael.

1163. what a thrill it is to be here.

1164. talking about news

1165. that's so adorable.

1166. i hear you're going to report

1167. some stories for us.

1168. i'd love to.

1169. this week mexican fugitive,

1170. el chapo was captured after

1171. escaping from prison.

1172. you may remember that el chapo

1173. is a merciless drug lord who was

1174. convicted of selling millions of

1175. dollars worth of narcotics,

1176. including marijuana, heroin and

1177. cocaine.

1178. laura, do you even know what

1179. cocaine is?

1180. not exactly.

1181. but i think it's a powder that

1182. makes your brain go, "i'm

1183. amazing!"

1184. i guess that's right.

1185. look, laura, don't you have any

1186. stories that are more fun or

1187. silly?

1188. the oregon militiamen are mad

1189. because they asked for supplies,

1190. but instead people sent them

1191. dildos!

1192. let's just get away from the

1193. news altogether, okay?

1194. how did you spend your holiday

1195. break?

1196. well, i watched a lot of tv.

1197. that's great.

1198. i love the show "glee."

1199. it's got wonderful singing and

1200. acting and dancing.

1201. everyone in the cast is such a

1202. great role model for me.

1203. except the guy who plays tuck,

1204. because he just got arrested for

1205. child pornography!

1206. laura!

1207. police found over

1208. 1,000 pictures of naked kids.

1209. okay, laura, did anything

1210. good happen to anyone this week?

1211. sure did.

1212. comedian bill cosby was released

1213. on bail.

1214. no.

1215. he's so funny.

1216. laura, the case against

1217. bill cosby is very serious.

1218. do you even know what he did?

1219. i think so.

1220. he gave some medicine to people,

1221. even though they didn't need the

1222. medicine.

1223. that's right.

1224. and then he raped them.

1225. laura parsons, everybody.

1226. for "weekend update," i'm

1227. michael che.

1228. i'm colin jost.

1229. good night.

1230. > guys, if i had a remote, i'd

1231. be hitting mute.

1232. okay?

1233. that's better.

1234. so we're continuing awareness

1235. week today with four speakers

1236. who'd like to talk to you about

1237. bullying.

1238. hey, team.

1239. i'm wendell.

1240. this is harper.

1241. and we're here to talk to you

1242. about a form of mental

1243. harassment that we both got

1244. mixed up in during high school.

1245. who's familiar with social

1246. puppeteering?

1247. wow.

1248. that's surprising.

1249. okay.

1250. in simplest terms it's

1251. manipulating others for your own

1252. amusement.

1253. hijacking someone's reality to

1254. feel powerful.

1255. here's an example of

1256. something i did.

1257. in sixth grade i paid like

1258. 80 kids a buck to go up to this

1259. kid nathan and say, "hey, nice

1260. hat."

1261. so what's the problem?

1262. nathan wasn't wearing a hat.

1263. if 80 kids say you're wearing a

1264. hat you start thinking maybe i

1265. am wearing a hat.

1266. and watching him wrestle with

1267. that made me feel good.

1268. i took the most valuable thing

1269. he had.

1270. his mind.

1271. that's the idea behind social

1272. puppeteering.

1273. any questions?

1274. yeah.

1275. how come i didn't know about

1276. this?

1277. i know.

1278. it sounds so fun.

1279. okay.

1280. guys, this shouldn't sound fun

1281. to you.

1282. okay?

1283. they're here to tell you how bad

1284. it is.

1285. absolutely.

1286. i mean, guys, if you get into

1287. this, it will take over your

1288. life.

1289. i spent thousands of dollars

1290. honey i shrunk the kidsing my

1291. cousin.

1292. oh, please explain that.

1293. i hired day laborers to build

1294. an enormous replica of his room

1295. in an airplane hangar.

1296. so he woke up in a three-story

1297. bed the length of an olympic

1298. swimming pooling thinking he's

1299. now half an inch tall.

1300. i mean, i went all out.

1301. i got the people who made the

1302. jurassic park dinosaurs to build

1303. a giant animatronic daddy

1304. longlegs he had to fight.

1305. he peed himself and hid in a

1306. giant lego for hours.

1307. it was pretty great.

1308. also wrong.

1309. it really will ruin your

1310. life, gang.

1311. my brother doesn't speak to me

1312. because i vampired him.

1313. i won't bore you with the

1314. details.

1315. no, please do.

1316. well, in a nutshell, i hired

1317. this weird albino dude to bite

1318. him and run away.

1319. and a week later i start

1320. sprinkling a small amount of

1321. molly into his dinner every

1322. night.

1323. so at night he feels amazing.

1324. but during the day he feels a

1325. little bummed out because the

1326. molly was wearing off.

1327. so he started craving the night

1328. because that's when he got the

1329. molly.

1330. the nighttime became his magical

1331. time.

1332. he was convinced that he was a

1333. vampire.

1334. he bit our dad.

1335. excuse me.

1336. i'm sorry to interrupt, but i

1337. think i that i have been

1338. socially puppeteered.

1339. see, i'm not a transfer student.

1340. i'm a 37-year-old man.

1341. two months ago what i thought

1342. was an elite police squad hired

1343. me to pose as a high school

1344. student and gather intel about a

1345. new drug called squiss.

1346. but i haven't heard from them

1347. since.

1348. and they definitely haven't been

1349. paying me.

1350. oh, yeah.

1351. i'm so sorry but you got 21 jump

1352. streeted.

1353. wow.

1354. i can't believe it happened to

1355. me.

1356. it can happen to anyone.

1357. don't be a puppet.

1358. learn more at

1359. www.stopsocialpuppeteering.org.

1360. > when i was in high school

1361. and living in long island, i

1362. stayed up to see david bowie

1363. play on "saturday night live."

1364. and watching him was for me a

1365. life-changing experience.

1366. he had these backup singers that

1367. were like choir singers from the

1368. future and a toy poodle with

1369. like a tv monitor in his mouth.

1370. david bowie transformed whatever

1371. space he was in, whatever medium

1372. he was using.

1373. and that night for me he

1374. transformed live television.

1375. to watch all of his performances

1376. from that night in 1979.

1377. and now, david bowie.

1378. and spoke of was and when

1379. although i wasn't there

1380. i spoke into his eyes

1381. i thought you died alone

1382. i never lost control

1383. you're face to face

1384. > and carl rosetti at

1385. dreamworks, this was your

1386. vision.

1387. thank you to debbie lieberman

1388. and the whole team at caa.

1389. and — oh, and to this wonderful

1390. man beside me.

1391. my writing partner and my

1392. husband.

1393. kevin, you are my rock.

1394. and of course my two

1395. beautiful children, cody and

1396. madison.

1397. mommy and daddy did it.

1398. and if you're watching this,

1399. go to bed.

1400. you heard mom.

1401. we have to go to bed.

1402. but i'm not tired.

1403. dear lord, thank you for

1404. giving mommy and daddy a golden

1405. globe.

1406. and please watch over us

1407. until they get home.

1408. amen.

1409. but we didn't get a story.

1410. you heard mom.

1411. we have to go to bed right now.

1412. are you awake?

1413. yeah.

1414. do you think mommy and daddy

1415. are thinking about us?

1416. i know they are.

1417. ha, ha!

1418. we won a fricking golden globe!

1419. this is the best thing that

1420. ever happened to us!

1421. aaaaah!

1422. mom looked pretty when she

1423. left.

1424. do you think she's ever going to

1425. come back?

1426. yes.

1427. of course.

1428. i don't know.

1429. i just stood next to

1430. lee pribor at the urinal.

1431. saw his whole.

1432. it's huge.

1433. i knew it.

1434. this whole night is so amazing.

1435. what was that?

1436. it's probably nothing.

1437. look at me.

1438. i'm ray donovan.

1439. you're so funny.

1440. whoa, whoa, whoa, guys, guys,

1441. sorry.

1442. stars only.

1443. you, man.

1444. don't push my wife!

1445. be a man for once, kevin.

1446. hit him.

1447. you don't want to hit me,

1448. sir.

1449. hold on to your hat.

1450. you're about to get pounded!

1451. come back here!

1452. look.

1453. i told you they'd come back.

1454. you kids like eggs?

1455. good.

1456. me too.

1457. your parents are very cool

1458. people.

1459. very cool.

1460. we had a good, cool time.

1461. you kids can dress yourselves

1462. for school, right?

1463. mm-hmm.

1464. that'd probably be best.

1465. i hate the globes.

1466. i love you, big brother.

1467. i love you too.

1468. > once again, chris stapleton.

1469. photograph of our wedding day

1470. ripped it down the middle and

1471. to blame but me

1472. i got nobody to blame but me

1473. guns in hock threw my

1474. clothes out in the yard and

1475. to blame but me

1476. i got nobody to blame but me

1477. i know just what got her gone

1478. turned my life into this

1479. to blame but me

1480. i got nobody to blame

1481. hot rod ran it in the pond

1482. put sugar in my john deere

1483. to blame but me

1484. i got nobody to blame but me

1485. took all my good whiskey

1486. and poured it down the drain

1487. i got nobody to blame but me

1488. i know right where

1489. got her gone

1490. turned my life into

1491. to blame but me

1492. i got nobody to blame but me

1493. > nurse, who is my next

1494. patient?

1495. oh, no.

1496. he hurt his big thigh during the

1497. game?

1498. send him in.

1499. hi, doctor.

1500. i need help with my body.

1501. ow.

1502. ow.

1503. ooh.

1504. ow.

1505. i hurt my big thigh during the

1506. big game.

1507. right when i was about to score.

1508. well, maybe i can help you

1509. score.

1510. right now.

1511. where does it hurt?

1512. way up at the top part of my

1513. thigh.

1514. i don't know.

1515. about a centimeter below my ball

1516. sack.

1517. let me take a look.

1518. how does it feel when i do this?

1519. uh, i don't know.

1520. doctor.

1521. i'm not gay.

1522. are you sure?

1523. good point.

1524. i'm convinced.

1525. let's do sex.

1526. oh, yeah.

1527. f yeah.

1528. oh, yeah.

1529. f yeah.

1530. yes.

1531. excuse me.

1532. dr. rockhard?

1533. i had a 2:00 appointment and i

1534. still have not been seen.

1535. huh?

1536. yeah.

1537. all these big muscular guys

1538. keep cutting me.

1539. but my mom said i need to see a

1540. doctor right away.

1541. my stomach is real sore.

1542. me too.

1543. my groin is sore.

1544. and i need to make it more

1545. sore.

1546. oh.

1547. what?

1548. you've got to make it more sore?

1549. all right.

1550. i mean, you went to medical

1551. school, not me.

1552. yeah.

1553. i graduated best top in my

1554. class.

1555. wow.

1556. that's awesome, dr. rockhard.

1557. and i'm always on bottom.

1558. well, that's nothing to brag

1559. about.

1560. i will be in the waiting room

1561. with my mom.

1562. but please hurry, dr. rockhard.

1563. so patient, you play soccer.

1564. does that mean you're good at

1565. juggling balls?

1566. with my feet.

1567. wow.

1568. that's hot.

1569. but there's a problem,

1570. doctor.

1571. i don't have health insurance.

1572. that's okay.

1573. i think i can figure out another

1574. way for you to pay.

1575. oh, f.

1576. oh, yeah.

1577. f yeah.

1578. oh, f yeah.

1579. excuse me, doctor.

1580. i kind of overheard because i

1581. wasn't all the way gone yet.

1582. my mom also doesn't have health

1583. insurance.

1584. so can we pay however he's

1585. paying?

1586. uh.

1587. i mean, she does have health

1588. insurance but it doesn't kick in

1589. until the 1st of the month.

1590. she has blue cross.

1591. and i have blue balls.

1592. oh, no.

1593. you need 5050 ccs of boner,

1594. stat.

1595. all this medical talk goes

1596. over my head.

1597. i'm next, right?

1598. yeah.

1599. are you positive?

1600. yeah.

1601. but don't tell them or they'll

1602. make me leave.

1603. okay.

1604. whatever you say, dr. rockhard.

1605. oh, no, doctor.

1606. now my other big thigh hurts.

1607. you're in luck.

1608. i've got medication that cures

1609. anything.

1610. but i don't know if you'll be

1611. able to swallow it.

1612. why?

1613. is it big?

1614. oh, yeah.

1615. so big.

1616. how big is it, doctor?

1617. too big for you to swallow.

1618. ooh.

1619. oh, is it like a gel cap?

1620. what?

1621. because i know those are big

1622. but i can get them down with

1623. water.

1624. and if not my mom can cut them

1625. in half and put them in my

1626. mashed potatoes.

1627. please, dr. rockhard.

1628. give it to me.

1629. my stomach hurts really bad.

1630. i can't give it to you.

1631. but i can give it to your mom.

1632. hell, yeah.

1633. okay.

1634. that works too.

1635. thank you, dr. rockhard.

1636. you know, my mom was nervous

1637. about this doctor's office

1638. because when she went on your

1639. website it morning it crashed

1640. her whole computer.

1641. but i think you're cool.

1642. so thanks for squeezing me in.

1643. i love to squeeze things in.

1644. i know.

1645. you're jam-packed today.

1646. about to be.

1647. well, it must be hard.

1648. it has to be hard.

1649. well, i'll get out of your

1650. hair.

1651. i don't have any hair.

1652. now, let's get back to that big

1653. thigh.

1654. but i think i need a second,

1655. third, fourth, and fifth

1656. opinion.

1657. oh, yeah.

1658. oh, yeah.

1659. yeah, yeah.

1660. yeah.

1661. wait a minute.

1662. all these doctors work here?

1663. will someone please help me?

1664. hello.

1665. > thanks to chris stapleton,

1666. fred armisen, lorne, this

1667. amazing cast, all the writers,

1668. and to our men and women serving

1669. overseas, get home safe.

1670. thank you very much.

1671. good night.