Saturday Night Live 41x10

1. > LIVE ON THE FOX BUSINESS

2. NETWORK, IT'S THE SIXTH

3. REPUBLICAN DEBATE.

4. HELLO AND WELCOME BACK.

5. I'M FOX BUSINESS ROCK STAR NEIL

6. KA VOOUTO.

7. AND I'M MARIA BARTIROMO.

8. A REMINDER, WE'VE LOST A FEW

9. COMPETITORS SINCE THE LAST

10. DEBATE, WITH ONLY SEVEN JOINING

11. US TONIGHT.

12. SO REMEMBER, CANDIDATES, IF AT

13. ANY TIME TONIGHT YOUR POLL

14. NUMBERS DROP BELOW 3% YOU WILL

15. HEAR A LOUD GONG, THEN BE

16. ESCORTED OFF THE STAGE LIKE

17. SHOWTIME AT THE APOLLO.

18. AT WHICH POINT YOU'LL TAKE A

19. SEAT IN THE AUDIENCE NEXT TO

20. THAT SWEET ROSE OF THE

21. CAROLINAS, SENATOR LINDSEY

22. GRAHAM.

23. THE NEXT QUESTION IS FOR OUR

24. FRONT-RUNNER, DONALD TRUMP.

25. THANK YOU, MARIA TONY ROMO.

26. MR. TRUMP, SINCE THE LAST

27. DEBATE TED CRUZ HAS PULLED AHEAD

28. OF YOU IN IOWA.

29. IS IT TRUE YOU'VE STARTED

30. ATTACKING HIM BECAUSE YOU SEE

31. HIM AS A THREAT?

32. FRANKLY, MARIA, I'M GLAD

33. EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT MY

34. GOOD FRIEND RAFAEL EDUARDO CRUZ.

35. PEOPLE ARE COMING UP TO ME ALL

36. THE TIME SAYING, DONALD, TED

37. CRUZ WAS BORN IN CANADA, HE

38. CAN'T BE PRESIDENT.

39. HIS CAMPAIGN IS ILLEGAL.

40. THEIR WORDS, NOT MINE.

41. DONALD, THIS DEBATE ABOUT

42. NATURAL-BORN CITIZENSHIP IS JUST

43. POLITICAL NONSENSE.

44. CLEARLY I AM NOT CANADIAN.

45. CANADIANS ARE WELL LIKED.

46. I AM NOT.

47. CANADIANS ARE RUGGED AND

48. OUTDOORSY, WHERE I MYSELF AM

49. MOSTLY MADE OF PUDDING.

50. CANADIANS ARE GENUINE AND WARM,

51. WHEREAS WHEN I SMILE IT LOOKS

52. LIKE I'M PEEING.

53. ALL RIGHT.

54. GOVERNOR CHRISTIE, IF I ASK YOU

55. A QUESTION, DO YOU PROMISE NOT

56. TO TURN YOUR ANSWER INTO A

57. TIRADE AGAINST PRESIDENT OBAMA?

58. I PROMISE.

59. HOW WOULD YOU CHANGE THE TAX

60. CODE?

61. BARACK OBAMA IS THE WORST

62. PRESIDENT IN HISTORY!

63. AND WHEN CHRIS CHRISTIE IS

64. PRESIDENT, THE FIRST THING WE

65. WILL DO IS KICK YOUR REAR END

66. OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE, BUDDY.

67. WELL, WHOEVER IS ELECTED

68. PRESIDENT OBAMA WILL BE REQUIRED

69. TO LEAVE, IT WILL BE THE END OF

70. HIS TERM.

71. YEAH.

72. BECAUSE I'M GOING TO SEND HIM

73. PACKING.

74. HE'LL ALREADY HAVE PACKED AND

75. LEFT BECAUSE HIS TERM WILL BE

76. OVER.

77. YEAH, IT WILL.

78. THIS NEXT QUESTION IS FOR

79. JEB.

80. IT IS?

81. WAIT, I'M SORRY.

82. I'M WRONG.

83. IT SAYS TED.

84. TED CRUZ.

85. AW.

86. MR. CRUZ, YOU SUGGESTED MR.

87. TRUMP EMBODIES NEW YORK VALUES.

88. COULD YOU EXPLAIN WHAT YOU MEAN

89. BY THAT?

90. I THINK MOST PEOPLE KNOW

91. EXACTLY WHAT NEW YORK VALUES

92. ARE.

93. AND FRANKLY, THEY ARE NOT THE

94. REST OF THE COUNTRY'S VALUES.

95. INSTEAD OF CELEBRATING

96. CHRISTMAS, NEW YORKERS CELEBRATE

97. A PAGAN HOLIDAY CALLED FESTIVUS.

98. INSTEAD OF WATCHING AMERICAN

99. FOOTBALL, THEY CHALLENGE EACH

100. OTHER TO MASTURBATION CONTESTS.

101. IN NEW YORK PEOPLE DON'T SAY HI

102. TO THEIR NEIGHBORS.

103. THEY SAY "HELLO, NEWMAN."

104. IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE

105. DESCRIBING THE TV SHOW

106. "SEINFELD."

107. IS THAT WHAT YOU MEAN BY NEW

108. YORK VALUES?

109. BELIEVE ME, IF I COULD SAY

110. LIBERAL JEWS, I WOULD.

111. DR. CARSON, YOU'VE SAID WE'RE

112. NOT DOING ENOUGH TO DISMANTLE

113. AND DESTROY ISIS.

114. WHAT WOULD YOU DO AS PRESIDENT?

115. WELL, WHENEVER I THINK OF

116. ISIS, I GET SO FURIOUS.

117. I JUST GO INTO BEAST MODE.

118. OKAY, LOOK.

119. OKAY, WAR HAS CHANGED IN THE

120. 6,000 YEARS THAT THE EARTH HAS

121. EXISTED.

122. OUR ENEMIES CAN NOW SEND AN

123. ELECTROMAGNETIC PULSE INTO OUR

124. XOATMOSPHERE SCRAMBLING OUR

125. ELECTROCITY.

126. I'M TALKING DIRTY BOMBS, CYBER

127. FIGHTS, LASER PEOPLE.

128. AND ROBOTRONS.

129. MR. TRUMP, WE NOW TURN TO

130. CHINA.

131. HOLD ON.

132. I'M GETTING A CALL FROM A

133. RESPECTED EXPERT.

134. HELLO?

135. WHAT?

136. YOU'RE SAYING JEB BUSH IS A

137. LITTLE GIRL?

138. NO, I'M NOT.

139. AND HE CAN'T BE PRESIDENT

140. BECAUSE HIS HAND'S BIGGER THAN

141. HIS FACE?

142. THAT'S NOT TRUE.

143. LOOK — OH, DANG IT.

144. OUR NEXT QUESTION IS FOR

145. MARCO RUBIO.

146. CAN I ASK MY QUESTION MYSELF?

147. WHY AM I NOT WINNING?

148. IS IT THE BOOTS?

149. I COULD LOSE THE BOOTS.

150. I MEAN, COME ON.

151. I'M YOUNG.

152. I'M SMART.

153. I'M THE ONLY ONE UP HERE WITH A

154. CHIN.

155. THERE'S SIX CLOWNS UP HERE AND

156. ONE HUMAN MAN.

157. WHY IS NO ONE PAYING ATTENTION

158. TO ME?

159. WHAT DID HE SAY?

160. I WASN'T LISTENING.

161. FINALLY, WE TURN TO GOVERNOR

162. BUSH.

163. GOVERNOR, WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL

164. EVERYONE THE JOKE I HEARD YOU

165. PRACTICING IN THE BATHROOM

166. EARLIER?

167. OKAY.

168. IN HILLARY'S FIRST 100 DAYS AS

169. PRESIDENT SHE'S GOING FROM THE

170. WHITE HOUSE TO THE COURTHOUSE.

171. IT'S OKAY.

172. YOU DON'T NEED TO TELL JOKES

173. BECAUSE YOU ARE ONE.

174. JEBRA.

175. THAT'S NOT MY NAME.

176. YES, IT IS.

177. AND I HAVE IT ON GOOD AUTHORITY

178. THAT JEBRA IS WEARING SPANX

179. RIGHT NOW.

180. YOU SHUT UP.

181. THEY'RE FOR SUPPORT!

182. ALL RIGHT.

183. WE'LL TAKE OUR FIRST BREAK.

184. OH, THIS IS EXCITING.

185. WE HAVE CONFIRMATION THAT CHRIS

186. CHRISTIE HAS JUST DIPPED BELOW

187. 3% IN THE NATIONAL POLL.

188. HEY, COME ON.

189. ♪♪♪

190. DON'T DO — OH, COME ON!

191. WELL, THAT'S A LOT OF FUN.

192. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE.

193. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

194. SATURDAY NIGHT!

195. IT'S "SATURDAY

196. NIGHT LIVE."

197. WITH VANESSA BAYER!

198. BECK BENNETT!

199. AIDY BRYANT!

200. COLIN JOST!

201. TARAN KILLAM!

202. KATE McKINNON!

203. KYLE MOONEY!

204. BOBBY MOYNIHAN!

205. JAY PHAROAH!

206. CECILY STRONG!

207. KENAN THOMPSON!

208. SASHEER ZAMATA!

209. FEATURING MICHAEL CHE!

210. PETE DAVIDSON!

211. LESLIE JONES!

212. JON RUDNITSKY!

213. MUSICAL GUEST CHRIS STAPLETON!

214. AND YOUR HOST, ADAM DRIVER!

215. ♪♪♪

216. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

217. ADAM DRIVER!

218. ♪♪♪

219. THANK YOU.

220. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU,

221. THANK YOU.

222. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

223. BEFORE WE START, I JUST WANT TO

224. SAY, CONGRATULATIONS TO THE

225. ARIZONA CARDINALS.

226. WELCOME TO THE FIRST SHOW OF

227. 2016.

228. RIGHT NOW I'M IN A MOVIE CALLED

229. "STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS."

230. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE GO SEE

231. IT.

232. IF THIS ONE DOES WELL, THEY

233. MIGHT MAKE ANOTHER.

234. I'M SO FORTUNATE TO BE PART OF

235. SUCH AN ILLUSTRIOUS FRANCHISE,

236. ESPECIALLY SINCE I'VE ONLY BEEN

237. ACTING FOR A FEW YEARS.

238. BEFORE THAT I WAS IN THE

239. MILITARY.

240. AND I WAS VERY INTIMIDATING.

241. WE HAVE A PHOTO I THINK TO PROVE

242. IT.

243. BACK WHEN THE THE MARINES WERE

244. ACCEPTING 12-YEAR-OLDS.

245. BUT IT REALLY IS AN HONOR TO BE

246. IN "STAR WARS."

247. NEVER, EVER WILL YOU FIND A MORE

248. DEVOTED FAN BASE.

249. THEY'RE VERY INTENSE.

250. I KNOW.

251. "STAR WARS" FANS.

252. RIDICULOUS, RIGHT?

253. QUICK QUESTION.

254. WHAT HAPPENS IN THE NEXT FILM,

255. ADAM?

256. YOU KNOW I CAN'T TELL YOU

257. THAT.

258. THEY WON'T EVEN TELL ME THAT.

259. OH, YOU CAN'T TELL ME BECAUSE

260. THE AUDIENCE IS HERE, RIGHT?

261. OKAY.

262. I'M GOING TO ASK YOU AT THE

263. AFTERPARTY, THOUGH.

264. NO, YOU WON'T.

265. I'VE BEEN DEALING WITH THIS ALL

266. WEEK.

267. HEY, BOBBY.

268. OH, COME ON.

269. IT COULD BE KENAN.

270. COME ON, IT COULD BE KENAN IN

271. HERE.

272. IT'S NOT KENAN.

273. IT'S BOBBY.

274. WHERE DID YOU FIND THAT SUIT?

275. I MADE IT.

276. HOW MUCH DID THAT COST YOU?

277. 65 — $6500.

278. BOBBY, TAKE OFF THE MASK.

279. HEY.

280. SORRY.

281. IS THAT A WIG?

282. YEAH.

283. IT'S A WIG.

284. THE WIG WAS 800 BUCKS.

285. LISTEN, I'VE GOT TO KNOW WHAT

286. HAPPENS TO KYLO REN, MAN.

287. DOES HE DIE?

288. PLEASE, JUST TELL ME.

289. ALL RIGHT.

290. FINE, I DIE.

291. OH, NO.

292. BUT MY FRIENDS PUT SUNGLASSES

293. ON ME AND I PRETEND I'M ALIVE

294. ALL WEEKEND.

295. OH, MY GOD.

296. IT'S PERFECT.

297. LEAVE THIS MAN ALONE.

298. OKAY.

299. WHAT'S YOUR "STAR WARS"

300. QUESTION?

301. MAN, I AIN'T SEEN "STAR

302. WARS."

303. I WANT TO KNOW WHY YOU WASN'T IN

304. "THE MARTIAN" WITH MATT DAMON

305. BECAUSE Y'ALL WAS THE BOMB IN

306. "GOOD WILL HUNTING."

307. HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO

308. TELL YOU, I'M ADAM DRIVER, NOT

309. MINNIE DRIVER.

310. OH.

311. YOU'RE ADAM DRIVER.

312. WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE

313. INTERNET IS TALKING ABOUT

314. BECAUSE YOU ARE FINE.

315. BOBBY GOT A PICTURE OF YOU OVER

316. HIS BED.

317. HEY, COME ON.

318. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT.

319. OKAY?

320. ADAM DRIVER IS HERE.

321. CHRIS STAPLETON IS HERE.

322. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!

323. ♪♪♪

324. WE'RE BACK FOR THE FOURTH

325. QUARTER WITH ARIZONA LEADING

326. GREEN BAY 28-17.

327. AL MICHAELS HERE WITH YOU

328. ALONG WITH CRIS COLLINSWORTH.

329. ALONG WITH CRIS COLLINSWORTH.

330. AND THIS GAME HAS BEEN A

331. NIGHTMARE FOR THE PACKERS, CRIS.

332. IT REALLY HAS.

333. AFTER LOSING THEIR FIRST THREE

334. QUARTERBACKS TO INJURY GREEN BAY

335. IS TURNING TO A FOURTH-STRING

336. BACK WHO I'VE NEVER HEARD OF.

337. JARED SCHLEFF HAS NOT TAKEN A

338. SNAP FOR GREEN BAY ALL YEAR.

339. BUT HERE HE IS IN THEIR BIGGEST

340. GAME OF THE SEASON.

341. WELL, THE PLAYOFFS IS

342. CERTAINLY WHERE YOU'LL FIND THE

343. MOST UNLIKELY OF HEROES.

344. ABSOLUTELY.

345. LET'S GO DOWN TO THE FIELD WHERE

346. SCHLEFF IS IN THE SHOTGUN.

347. HE TAKES THE SNAP.

348. OH, MY GOD.

349. FOLKS, THIS IS ONE OF THE

350. WORST INJURIES I'VE SEEN IN MY

351. 40-YEAR CAREER.

352. THAT'S JUST DEVASTATING.

353. I THINK WATCHING THAT MADE ME

354. SICK.

355. ABSOLUTELY.

356. NO ONE SHOULD EVER HAVE TO

357. WITNESS SOMETHING THAT SHOCKING.

358. LET'S SEE IT AGAIN.

359. OH, MY.

360. I DO PRAY FOR HIM.

361. I DO.

362. ABSOLUTELY.

363. LET ME ASSURE ALL THE VIEWERS

364. AT HOME THAT WE ARE NOT GOING TO

365. SUBJECT YOU TO THAT AGAIN.

366. FROM THAT ANGLE.

367. THIS NEW ANGLE IS MUCH BETTER.

368. OH.

369. THE NEW ANGLE MAKES ME THINK

370. THIS IS CGI OR SOMETHING.

371. LEGS DON'T DO THAT.

372. LET'S GO TO OUR SIDELINE

373. REPORTER MICHELE TAFOYA, WHO'S

374. WITH PACKERS TEAM DOCTOR

375. LUCAS KAVNER.

376. DR. KAVNER, OBVIOUSLY A

377. REALLY TOUGH INJURY FOR SCHLEFF.

378. WILL HE BE BACK ON THE FIELD?

379. WELL, IT LOOKS PRETTY BAD BUT

380. HE'S A YOUNG MAN.

381. I WOULDN'T GIVE UP ON HIM.

382. I CAN'T DIAGNOSE HIM BECAUSE I

383. COULDN'T REALLY SEE EXACTLY WHAT

384. HAPPENED.

385. OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

386. WE HAVE IT RIGHT HERE.

387. OH, LORD, TAKE MY EYES!

388. BLIND ME, LORD!

389. OH, HE'S DONE.

390. HE IS DONE FOREVER.

391. WE'LL CHECK IN WITH MICHELE

392. IN A LITTLE BIT.

393. OBVIOUSLY THIS IS A FULL

394. CONTACT SPORT, BUT NOBODY SHOULD

395. HAVE TO SEE SOMETHING THIS

396. GRUESOME AND APPALLING.

397. LUCKILY WE'LL NEVER HAVE TO

398. WATCH THAT CLIP AGAIN.

399. AND THE ARIZONA COACH IS

400. ASKING TO SEE THE CLIP AGAIN.

401. LOOKS LIKE BRUCE ARIANS HAS

402. THROWN A CHALLENGE FLAG.

403. HE BELIEVES THAT SCHLEFF

404. FUMBLED THE BALL.

405. BUT DID HE?

406. LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

407. I THINK THAT'S A FUMBLE.

408. REMEMBER, THE PLAY IS DEAD

409. WHEN THE FRONT OF YOUR KNEE

410. TOUCHES THE GROUND.

411. SURE.

412. BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BACK OF YOUR

413. KNEE?

414. I DON'T KNOW.

415. IN THE MEANTIME LET'S GO BACK

416. TO MICHELE, WHO'S WITH JARED

417. SCHLEFF.

418. AL, DR. KAVNER IS DOING WHAT

419. HE CAN FOR SCHLEFF.

420. HE'S HOLDING A BIBLE.

421. NOW HE'S PULLED OUT A GUN.

422. HE SEEMS TO BE WEIGHING HIS

423. OPTIONS.

424. BACK TO YOU, AL.

425. OKAY.

426. LET'S MOVE ON TO SOMETHING FUN.

427. OUR AT&T FANPINION OF THE GAME.

428. TONIGHT'S FANPINION IS ABOUT

429. JARED SCHLEFF.

430. WHAT DO YOU THINK WAS THE WORST

431. PART OF JARED'S INJURY?

432. WAS IT, A, THE NAUSEATING

433. REALITY THAT LEGS COULD BEND

434. LIKE THAT?

435. B, THAT SOUND, THAT TERRIBLE

436. SOUND?

437. OR C, KNOWING THAT SOMEWHERE

438. DEEP DOWN THIS IS WHY YOU WATCH

439. FOOTBALL?

440. TEXT US YOUR ANSWERS.

441. WE'LL HAVE THE RESULTS AFTER

442. THIS COMMERCIAL.

443. WHEN WE RETURN, GREEN BAY FINDS

444. ANOTHER QUARTERBACK.

445. LOOKS LIKE THE COACH IS

446. ASKING FOR VOLUNTEERS FROM THE

447. CROWD.

448. BIG OPPORTUNITY FOR A FAN.

449. OH, WOW.

450. > EACH WEEK WE FOLLOW THE BOSS

451. OF A MAJOR ORGANIZATION AS THEY

452. GO UNDERCOVER TO FIND OUT WHAT'S

453. REALLY GOING ON IN THEIR

454. COMPANY.

455. STAR KILLER BASE."

456. KYLO REN IS THE COMMANDER OF THE

457. FIRST ORDER, A MASSIVE REGIME

458. DEDICATED TO WIPING OUT THE

459. GALACTIC RESISTANCE.

460. THIS WEEK KYLO IS GOING

461. UNDERCOVER AMONG STAR KILLER

462. BASE PERSONNEL AS MATT, A RADAR

463. TECHNICIAN.

464. YOU GET SO CAUGHT UP IN

465. RESTORING THE GALAXY TO ITS

466. RIGHTFUL STATE THAT YOU MISS

467. WHAT'S GOING ON BEHIND THE

468. SCENES.

469. I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO HAVING

470. SOME REAL TALK WITH SOME REAL

471. FOLKS.

472. WE'VE PUT HIDDEN CAMERAS IN

473. AN EMPLOYEE COMMON AREA, AND NO

474. ONE HAS ANY IDEA THAT MATT IS

475. THEIR BOSS, KYLO REN.

476. HI.

477. I'M MATT.

478. I'M A RADAR TECHNICIAN.

479. YOU GUYS LIKE WORKING HERE?

480. YOU KNOW, WORK IS WORK.

481. YEAH, TOTALLY.

482. WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK OF KYLO

483. REN?

484. DO YOU GUYS BELIEVE IT WHEN HE

485. SAYS HE'S GOING FOR WHAT DARTH

486. VADER STARTED?

487. WHAT EXACTLY HAS HE STARTED?

488. I WILL SAY THIS FOR KYLO.

489. I THINK HE GETS A BAD RAP.

490. YEAH.

491. HE'S TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH

492. SOMETHING THAT'S NEVER BEEN DONE

493. IN THE HISTORY OF THE GALAXY.

494. YOU KNOW, RULE EVERYTHING?

495. THAT'S IMPRESSIVE.

496. I ADMIRE THE GUY.

497. YEAH.

498. EXACTLY.

499. EXACTLY.

500. OKAY, OKAY.

501. REAL EASY.

502. ALL YOU'VE GOT TO DO IS REWIRE

503. THE CALCINATOR.

504. SO REMOVE THIS?

505. DOES THAT LOOK LIKE THE

506. CALCINATOR?

507. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

508. WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR YOU TO

509. UNDERSTAND?

510. I DON'T KNOW.

511. BUT WILL YOU PLEASE STOP YELLING

512. AT ME?

513. YOU'RE STARTING TO STRESS ME

514. OUT.

515. I HAVE A NEWFOUND RESPECT FOR

516. WHAT MY EMPLOYEES DO.

517. OKAY, NOW CAN WE REWIRE IT,

518. PLEASE?

519. SO I CAN GO HAVE MY MUFFIN?

520. I HAVEN'T HAD MY MUFFIN YET,

521. MATT.

522. IT'S NOT AS EASY AS I

523. PRESUMED.

524. WHAT UP, MATT?

525. HEY, YOU KICKED MY WRENCH.

526. JERK FACE.

527. LOOK, I FOUND KYLO REN'S

528. LIGHT SABER.

529. THAT'S AWESOME.

530. THAT THING LOOKS DANGEROUS.

531. POORLY MADE.

532. YOU DON'T HAVE TO LOOK AT IT

533. ANYMORE!

534. I'M 90% SURE MATT IS KYLO

535. REN.

536. YEAH, IT'S BEEN A ROUGH YEAR

537. FOR MY FAMILY.

538. WE LOST OUR SON BACK IN APRIL.

539. HE WAS IN THE STORM TROOPER

540. PROGRAM.

541. AND WE'RE GETTING BY.

542. OH, MAN.

543. SORRY ABOUT THAT.

544. MUST BE HARD.

545. HEARING THAT ZACK LOST HIS

546. SON REALLY STRUCK A NERVE WITH

547. ME.

548. ESPECIALLY SINCE I'M THE ONE

549. THAT KILLED HIM.

550. HEY.

551. I RAN INTO KYLO REN IN THE

552. BATHROOM.

553. HE TOLD ME TO GIVE YOU THIS.

554. AFTER THE RAIN COMES THE

555. RAINBOW.

556. SORRY I KILLED YOUR SON.

557. THIS MEANS SOMETHING TO ME

558. NOW.

559. A BUDDY OF MINE SAW KYLO REN

560. TAKE HIS SHIRT OFF IN THE SHOWER

561. AND HE SAID THAT KYLO REN HAD AN

562. EIGHT-PACK, THAT KYLO REN WAS

563. SHREDDED.

564. WHAT?

565. YOUR FRIEND'S A LIAR, MAN.

566. KYLO REN IS A PUNK BITCH.

567. THAT GUY LOOKS LIKE HE WEIGHS

568. 30 POUNDS SOAKING WET UNDERNEATH

569. THAT LITTLE BLACK DRESS.

570. TIM?

571. TIM!

572. OH, NO.

573. HE'S CHOKING ON FOOD.

574. I SEE WHAT'S IN YOUR MIND.

575. AND IT IS STUPID!

576. DUDE, MATT STRAIGHT UP SUCKS.

577. I HAVE A BOMBSHELL

578. ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE, GUYS.

579. I'M NOT MATT.

580. I AM —

581. KYLO REN.

582. YOU'RE KYLO REN.

583. YOU'RE KYLO REN.

584. I KNEW WHEN YOU THREW ME

585. THROUGH THE PHONE MACHINE.

586. I KNEW FROM "HI, I'M MATT."

587. WE REALLY CONNECTED TODAY.

588. I'M PROMOTING YOU TO SUPERIOR

589. OFFICER.

590. THANK YOU, SIR.

591. I HAD A BLAST TODAY.

592. I REALLY LEARNED A LOT.

593. AND PEOPLE ARE GOING TO LOVE THE

594. NEW ME.

595. > ALADDIN, WE'RE SO HIGH UP.

596. I'VE NEVER FLOWN ON A MAGIC

597. CARPET BEFORE.

598. IT'S BEAUTIFUL, ISN'T IT?

599. BUT NOT AS BEAUTIFUL AS YOU.

600. ♪ I CAN SHOW YOU THE WORLD

601. SHINING, SHIMMERING SPLENDID

602. TELL ME PRINCESS ♪

603. ♪ NOW WHEN DID YOU LAST

604. LET YOUR HEART DECIDE

605. A WHOLE NEW WORLD A NEW

606. FANTASTIC POINT OF VIEW ♪

607. ♪ NO ONE TO TELL US NO

608. OR WHERE TO GO OR SAY

609. YOU'RE ONLY DREAMING ♪

610. I REALLY LIKE YOU, JASMINE.

611. YOU'RE DIFFERENT.

612. DO YOU LIKE ME?

613. YEAH, I DO.

614. I'M SORRY.

615. SOME KIND OF FAT BIRD JUST HIT

616. MY MOUTH.

617. I NEED A MINUTE.

618. YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT,

619. JASMINE, YOU'RE SAFE WITH ME.

620. JUST LOOK HOW FAR WE CAN SEE.

621. YEAH, I THINK IT HAD A FISH

622. IN ITS BEAK.

623. JUST SLOW DOWN A LITTLE.

624. OKAY?

625. LIKE I'M STILL INTO IT.

626. THAT WAS A LOT.

627. ♪ A WHOLE NEW WORLD

628. A DAZZLING PLACE

629. YOU NEVER KNEW

630. BUT WHEN I'M WAY UP HERE ♪

631. ♪ IT'S CRYSTAL CLEAR

632. THAT NOW I'M IN

633. A WHOLE NEW

634. WORLD WITH YOU ♪

635. BOMB, BOMB, BOMB, BOMB, BOMB!

636. OH, SHOOT.

637. WE MUST BE OVER SYRIA.

638. I THINK I JUST PISSED MY

639. LITTLE THING I'M WEARING.

640. IT'S MAGICAL.

641. ♪ I CAN OPEN YOUR EYES ♪

642. THEY'RE OPEN.

643. ♪ TAKE YOU WONDER BY WONDER ♪

644. GIVE ME A SECOND.

645. ♪ OVER SIDEWAYS AND UNDER

646. ON A MAGIC CARPET RIDE

647. A WHOLE NEW WORLD A NEW

648. FANTASTIC POINT OF VIEW ♪

649. ♪ NO ONE TO TELL US NO

650. OR WHERE TO GO ♪

651. OH.

652. NO.

653. WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

654. I THINK AN AIRPLANE JUST

655. EMPTIED ITS TOILET IN THE SKY.

656. ALADDIN, TAKE ME BACK TO THE

657. PALACE.

658. QUIET.

659. SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH THE

660. CARPET.

661. I'VE GOT TO MAKE SOME FAST

662. DECISIONS NOW.

663. WHAT'S GOING ON?

664. WE'RE LOSING ALTITUDE.

665. I'M GOING TO TRY TO PUT HER DOWN

666. AT THAT AIR FORCE BASE.

667. DID YOU TASTE SHARISSE'S

668. COOKIES THAT SHE BROUGHT TO THE

669. AIRPORT?

670. NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T LIKE

671. HARD COOKIES, YOU KNOW —

672. HANG ON, CHRIS, WE'VE GOT A

673. DISTRESS CALL COMING IN.

674. MAYDAY, MAYDAY!

675. REQUESTING EMERGENCY LANDING!

676. I SEE YOU, PILOT.

677. YOU ARE CLEAR FOR LANDING.

678. THIS IS GOING TO BE NUTS.

679. GOD BE WITH THEM!

680. THEY DID IT!

681. THEY LANDED!

682. AND LOOK, THEY'RE IN LOVE.

683. ♪ A WHOLE NEW WORLD ♪

684. I HATED THAT.

685. ♪ THAT'S WHERE WE'LL BE ♪

686. I'M DRENCHED IN YOU KNOW

687. WHAT.

688. ♪ A WONDROUS PLACE ♪

689. BUT MAMA HORNY.

690. ♪ FOR YOU AND ME ♪

691. I AM MARRIED.

692. HOW COME YOU NEVER TALK ABOUT

693. IT, THEN?

694. ♪ AMERICA'S LOOKING

695. AT CATS ♪

696. ♪ GOOFING OFF

697. AMERICA'S LOOKING AT CATS

698. MESSING ROUND ♪

699. AMERICA'S FUNNIEST CATS ♪

700. WITH YOUR HOST FINN

701. RAYNAL-BEADS.

702. HEY THERE.

703. I'M FINN REYNOLDS, NOT

704. RAYNAL-BEADS.

705. I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I

706. HAVE TO THROW A FIT ABOUT THAT.

707. I CONFRONTED SO MANY PEOPLE AND

708. EVERYONE JUST POINTS A FINGER AT

709. SOMEONE ELSE.

710. BUT SOMEONE IS RESPONSIBLE.

711. THAT DOESN'T JUST HAPPEN.

712. HEY, GUYS.

713. THANKS FOR ALL THE GREAT PET

714. VIDEOS THIS WEEK, INCLUDING THIS

715. ONE FROM A CAT OWNER WHO

716. SUSPECTED SOMEONE HAD BEEN GOING

717. THROUGH HER DRAWERS.

718. TAKE A LOOK.

719. OH, BOY.

720. I KNOW THEY'RE IN HERE

721. SOMEWHERE.

722. HEY.

723. THESE PANTIES ARE GOING TO LOOK

724. GREAT ON THIS PUSS'S BOOTY.

725. WHOA.

726. SORRY, MA'AM.

727. IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

728. ALL RIGHT.

729. WE'VE GOT AN AMAZING TREAT FOR

730. YOU TODAY.

731. SO APPARENTLY, THERE'S A FRENCH

732. VERSION OF THIS SHOW.

733. AND WITH ME TODAY ARE THE TWO

734. HOSTS, JOELLE LARUE AND NOELLE

735. LESOUP.

736. COME ON OUT HERE, LADIES.

737. BONJOUR.

738. BONJOUR.

739. ♪♪♪

740. OKAY.

741. THANKS FOR COMING ALL THE WAY

742. FROM PARIS, YOU GUYS.

743. TELL ME A LITTLE BIT ABOUT YOU

744. GUYS.

745. THE SHOW IS CALLED LES

746. COMEDIE DES ANIMEAUX.

747. YOU THOUGH, IN PARIS WE ARE

748. THE CENTER OF THE WORLD AS FAR

749. AS ARTS AND CULTURE SO WHEN WE

750. SEE THIS SHOW OF YOURS WE SAY WE

751. MUST HAVE THIS.

752. WE WILL NOT REST UNTIL WE

753. HAVE THE SHOW.

754. IS THAT REAL OR YOU GUYS LIKE

755. MAKING FUN OF ME?

756. OH, NO, WE JUST POKE FUN AT

757. CATS.

758. THEY DON'T CARE.

759. OKAY.

760. WELL, THEN I'M GOING TO LET YOU

761. GUYS HANDLE THIS NEXT CLIP OF A

762. CAT WHO HAS HIS FIRST TASTE OF

763. ICE CREAM.

764. ♪♪♪

765. THE CAT HAS SECONDS TO LIVE.

766. SHE'S CUT OFF HER OXYGEN.

767. SHE IS QUIETLY BACKING OUT OF

768. THE WORLD.

769. SHE WILL NOT BELIEVE.

770. FUNNY CAT.

771. YEAH, VERY FUNNY CAT.

772. OKAY, WOW.

773. YOU GUYS DO IT A LITTLE

774. DIFFERENT THAN US.

775. WE TRY TO MAKE THE BLOOPERS A

776. LITTLE SILLIER LIKE WITH SOUND

777. EFFECTS AND STUFF.

778. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

779. BOY-YOY-YOING.

780. WE CAN TRY BOY-YOY-YOING.

781. OH, YEAH, YEAH.

782. THAT'S GREAT.

783. THROW SOME BOY-YOY-YOINGS IN

784. THERE.

785. I'M JUST GOING ROLL A BUNCH OF

786. CLIPS AND YOU GUYS CAN GO CRAZY.

787. YES.

788. OF COURSE.

789. OKAY.

790. BOY-YOY-YOING.

791. THIS CAT HAS NEUROLOGICAL

792. DISORDER.

793. SHE CANNOT GAUGE DISTANCE

794. BETWEEN HERSELF AND THE COUCH.

795. BOY-YOY-YOING.

796. THIS CAT IS CERTAINLY DEAD.

797. THAT'S A DEATH SPASM.

798. WACKA WACKA.

799. THIS CAT ALSO IS DEAD.

800. THIS CAT IS IN A DEATH COSTUME.

801. KA-BONK, THIS EGOMANIAC HAS

802. WALKED INTO A TV AND WILL NOT

803. COME BACK THE SAME.

804. SAY WHAT?

805. HE WILL NEVER TRUST A TV

806. AGAIN.

807. KA-BONK.

808. BOY-YOY-YOING.

809. IT'S A LITTLE DARK.

810. YOU KNOW WHAT WE FIND FUN?

811. GIVING A CAT A SILLY VOICE.

812. LIKE "OH, I'M A BIG FAT CAT AND

813. I CAN'T FIT THROUGH THE CAT

814. DOOR.

815. DERP."

816. YES.

817. THIS STUPID VOICE COMING FROM

818. CAT WOULD MAKE ME LAUGH.

819. I ALSO WAS VERY CLOSE TO

820. LAUGHING.

821. BUT THEN I REMEMBER I JUST LOST

822. MY DAUGHTER IN A CUSTODY BATTLE

823. WITH MY OWN MOTHER.

824. OH, MY GOD.

825. LET'S TRY ONE MORE BEFORE WE

826. GO BACK TO FRANCE FOREVER.

827. ROLL IT.

828. MY HUSBAND IS IN HERE.

829. MY HUSBAND'S ASHES ARE IN THIS

830. URN.

831. HE DIED FROM DRUGS BUT I

832. DON'T CARE.

833. HE WAS TROUBLED BUT HE WAS

834. MINE.

835. I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE.

836. I WANT TO BE IN HELL WITH HIM.

837. WHERE ALL SUICIDES GO.

838. ARMAND.

839. HERE I COME.

840. BOY-YOY-YOING.

841. BOY-YOY-YOING.

842. OKAY.

843. WELL, I'M GETTING WORD THAT MY

844. PRODUCER IS HERE TO TELL ME

845. SOMETHING.

846. HOPEFULLY PRIVATELY.

847. WELL, IT'S NOT.

848. I WANT EVERYBODY TO HEAR THIS.

849. YOU'RE CANCELED.

850. WELL, GREAT.

851. I'M GLAD.

852. I THINK ANYONE WOULD BE PROUD TO

853. DO 18 SEASONS OF THIS SHOW.

854. I LEAVE WITH MY HEAD HELD HIGH.

855. JUST PACK YOUR JUNK,

856. RAYNAL-BEADS.

857. BOY-YOY-YOING.

858. ♪♪♪

859. ♪ AMERICA'S LOOKING AT CATS ♪

860. ♪ AMERICA'S LOOKING AT CATS ♪

861. ♪♪♪

862. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

863. CHRIS STAPLETON.

864. ♪♪♪

865. ♪♪♪

866. ♪ STREET LIGHTS ALONG THE

867. HIGHWAY THROWING SHADOWS

868. IN THE DARK AND

869. MEMORIES KEEP ON TURNING ♪

870. ♪ TO THE RHYTHM OF

871. A BROKEN HEART ♪

872. ♪ YOU ONLY NEED A ROOF WHEN

873. IT'S RAINING YOU ONLY NEED A

874. FIRE WHEN IT'S COLD ♪

875. ♪ YOU ONLY NEED A DRINK

876. WHEN WHISKEY IS THE ONLY

877. THING YOU HAVE

878. LEFT TO HOLD ♪

879. ♪ SUN COMES UP AND GOES BACK

880. DOWN FALLING FEELS LIKE

881. FLYING TILL YOU

882. HIT THE GROUND ♪

883. ♪ SAY THE WORD AND I'LL BE

884. THERE FOR YOU

885. BABY, I WILL BE YOUR

886. PARACHUTE ♪

887. ♪♪♪

888. ♪ THERE'S A SONG THAT I

889. REMEMBER I NEVER LEARNED

890. TO PLAY AND A LIFETIME

891. OF FORGOTTEN WORDS ♪

892. ♪ I NEVER GOT TO SAY ♪

893. ♪ YOU ONLY NEED A ROOF

894. WHEN IT'S RAINING

895. YOU ONLY NEED A FIRE

896. WHEN IT'S COLD ♪

897. ♪ YOU ONLY NEED A DRINK

898. WHEN IT'S WHISKEY IS THE ONLY

899. THING YOU HAVE LEFT TO HOLD

900. SUN COMES UP ♪

901. ♪ AND GOES BACK DOWN

902. FALLING FEELS LIKE FLYING

903. TILL YOU HIT THE GROUND ♪

904. ♪ SAY THE WORD AND I'LL BE

905. THERE FOR YOU

906. BABY, I WILL BE YOUR

907. PARACHUTE ♪

908. ♪ PARACHUTE ♪

909. ♪♪♪

910. ♪♪♪

911. ♪ IF YOU THINK YOU'RE

912. GOING DOWN

913. JUST KNOW I WILL BE AROUND ♪

914. ♪ YOU ONLY NEED A ROOF

915. WHEN IT'S RAINING

916. YOU ONLY NEED A FIRE

917. WHEN IT'S COLD ♪

918. ♪ YOU ONLY NEED A DRINK

919. WHEN WHISKEY

920. IS THE ONLY THING THAT YOU

921. HAVE LEFT TO HOLD ♪

922. ♪ SUN COMES UP AND

923. GOES BACK DOWN

924. FALLING FEELS LIKE FLYING

925. TILL YOU HIT THE GROUND ♪

926. ♪ SAY THE WORD AND I'LL BE

927. THERE FOR YOU

928. BABY, I WILL BE YOUR ♪

929. ♪ BABY, I WILL BE YOUR

930. PARACHUTE ♪

931. ♪♪♪

932. ♪♪♪

933. IT'S "WEEKEND

934. UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND

935. MICHAEL CHE.

936. > GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.

937. WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."

938. I'M MICHAEL CHE.

939. I'M COLIN JOST.

940. AND HERE ARE TONIGHT'S TOP

941. STORIES.

942. AT THE GOP DEBATE, DONALD TRUMP

943. DEFENDED HIS CONCERNS ABOUT

944. WHETHER TED CRUZ, WHO WAS BORN

945. IN CANADA TO AN AMERICAN MOTHER,

946. IS ELIGIBLE TO BE PRESIDENT,

947. SAYING THERE'S A BIG QUESTION

948. MARK ON YOUR HEAD.

949. BUT THERE'S ALSO A BIG QUESTION

950. MARK ON TRUMP'S HEAD IF THE WIND

951. HITS HIM JUST RIGHT.

952. > U.S. OFFICIALS TODAY

953. ANNOUNCED IRAN IS RELEASING FIVE

954. DETAINED AMERICANS IN EXCHANGE

955. FOR SEVEN IRANIANS HELD BY THE

956. U.S.

957. PRESIDENT OBAMA PRAISED THE

958. DEAL WHILE AN OUTRAGED BEN

959. CARSON SAID HE WOULDN'T BE

960. SATISFIED WITH ANY DEAL THAT

961. DIDN'T INCLUDE THE PRISONER OF

962. AZKABAN.

963. A NEW POLL SHOWS THAT

964. BERNIE SANDERS LEADS

965. HILLARY CLINTON BY 19 POINTS

966. AMONG FEMALE MILLENNIAL VOTERS

967. WHO LIKE HIS PROPOSALS SUCH AS

968. FREE COLLEGE TUITION.

969. I DON'T KNOW.

970. TYPICALLY WHEN YOUNG WOMEN

971. TRUST SOME OLD DUDE WHO PROMISES

972. TO PAY FOR THEIR COLLEGE, IT

973. DOESN'T ALWAYS END WELL.

974. THE NFL ANNOUNCED THAT THE

975. ST. LOUIS RAMS WILL RETURN TO

976. LOS ANGELES, WHICH I KNEW WAS

977. COMING THE SECOND I SAW THEIR

978. MASCOT GOT SOME WORK DONE.

979. > THE OSCAR NOMINATIONS WERE

980. ANNOUNCED THURSDAY AND FOR THE

981. SECOND YEAR IN A ROW PEOPLE ARE

982. COMPLAINING ABOUT THE LACK OF

983. DIVERSITY AMONG NOMINEES.

984. BUT AS A PERSON OF COLOR, YOU

985. KNOW, I'D BE HAPPY IF THE

986. ACADEMY JUST NOMINATED MOVIES

987. THAT PEOPLE HAVE ACTUALLY SEEN.

988. I MEAN, ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT

989. ANYBODY HERE HAS ACTUALLY SEEN

990. "ROOM" OR "BROOKLYN" OR "THE

991. GOLDEN MOON"?

992. YOU'RE LYING BECAUSE I MADE THAT

993. LAST ONE UP.

994. IF YOU WANT PEOPLE TO WATCH THE

995. ACADEMY AWARDS, YOU HAVE TO GIVE

996. US SOMETHING WE CAN ROOT FOR.

997. OKAY?

998. JUST IMAGINE HOW EXCITED KIDS

999. WOULD BE TO SEE "STAR WARS" WIN

1000. OR BLACK PEOPLE TO SEE "A

1001. COMPTON" WIN.

1002. OR HOW EXCITED COLIN WOULD BE TO

1003. SEE "STATEN ISLAND SUMMER"

1004. NOMINATED.

1005. THE OSCARS SHOULD SHOWCASE MORE

1006. OF THE MOVIES THAT PEOPLE

1007. ACTUALLY WATCH.

1008. LIKE PORNO.

1009. WHY CAN'T PORN BE NOMINATED?

1010. OH, YOU'RE TELLING ME IT'S OKAY

1011. TO WATCH MOVIES ABOUT PEOPLE

1012. KILLING AND DYING AND EXPLOSIONS

1013. AND DEATH AND THAT'S ALL

1014. PERFECTLY FINE BUT IF I WANT TO

1015. WATCH TWO PEOPLE MAKE LOVE I'VE

1016. GOT TO CLOSE MY LAPTOP BECAUSE

1017. I'M DISTURBING THE OTHER

1018. PASSENGERS?

1019. WHO'S REALLY THE SICKO?

1020. > PRESIDENT OBAMA SAYS THAT HE

1021. WILL SIGN AN EXECUTIVE ORDER

1022. MANDATING UNIVERSAL BACKGROUND

1023. CHECKS FOR GUN PURCHASES, WHICH

1024. MANY IN CONGRESS OPPOSE.

1025. WITH MORE ON THIS IS OUR OWN

1026. PETE DAVIDSON.

1027. HI, BUDDY.

1028. I DON'T UNDERSTAND — OH, THANK

1029. YOU, LADY.

1030. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY ANYONE

1031. WOULD BE AGAINST BACKGROUND

1032. CHECKS.

1033. I WISH I DID A BACKGROUND CHECK

1034. ON MY ROOMMATE.

1035. I MIGHT HAVE FOUND OUT HE GETS

1036. HIS HAIRCUTS IN THE LIVING ROOM.

1037. OR HE USES MY TOOTHBRUSH TO

1038. CLEAN HIS TOOTHBRUSH.

1039. I ACTUALLY SAW A SHOW THAT SAID

1040. THE DEBATE WAS REOPENED ABOUT

1041. WHETHER MENTALLY ILL PEOPLE

1042. SHOULD BE ABLE TO OWN GUNS.

1043. WHICH I DIDN'T KNOW WAS

1044. DEBATABLE.

1045. LIKE ONE GUY EVEN SAID, "I DON'T

1046. THINK THE FOUNDING FATHERS

1047. WANTED PEOPLE TO LOSE THEIR

1048. RIGHTS JUST BECAUSE THEY HAD A

1049. MENTAL ILLNESS."

1050. WHICH I GUESS SOUNDS LIKE IT

1051. MAKES SENSE, UNTIL YOU REMEMBER

1052. WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE 1700s,

1053. WHEN THE MOST POPULAR TREATMENT

1054. FOR SCHIZOPHRENIA WAS LIKE,

1055. FIRE.

1056. LIKE JUST LOTS OF FIRE.

1057. THEY DIDN'T HAVE LEXAPRO.

1058. YOU KNOW?

1059. AS IF THAT WASN'T WEIRD ENOUGH,

1060. TEXAS JUST PASSED A LAW ALLOWING

1061. PEOPLE TO CARRY GUNS INTO MENTAL

1062. INSTITUTIONS.

1063. THAT'S A REAL THING.

1064. NOT LIKE A JOKE THAT WE WROTE.

1065. LIKE THAT HAPPENS NOW.

1066. HERE'S A FUN FACT ABOUT ME.

1067. WHEN I WAS A KID I WAS PRETTY

1068. DEPRESSED AND I SPENT SOME TIME

1069. IN A MENTAL INSTITUTION TWICE.

1070. SO FAR.

1071. I'LL BE BACK.

1072. AND I LEARNED TWO THINGS.

1073. ONE, THE CRAZIEST GUY THERE GETS

1074. TO CONTROL THE TV.

1075. HIS NAME WAS TWO-EYED WILLIE.

1076. WAIT, HOLD ON A SECOND, WHY

1077. DID THEY CALL HIM TWO EYED

1078. WILLIE?

1079. THEY WEREN'T HIS.

1080. AND THE SECOND THING IS NONE

1081. OF THOSE PEOPLE INCLUDING SME

1082. SHOULD EVER BE ALLOWED NEAR A

1083. GUN.

1084. I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY LET ME

1085. DRIVE.

1086. LIKE, EVERY TIME I GET BEHIND

1087. THE WHEEL I'M LIKE, WOW,

1088. SOMEBODY REALLY DROPPED THE

1089. BALL, HERE.

1090. IF I OWNED A GUN I'D HAVE TO BUY

1091. A NEW TV EVERY TIME THE KNICKS

1092. LOST.

1093. THE REASON OBAMA'S GOING

1094. STRAIGHT TO AN EXECUTIVE ORDER

1095. IS BECAUSE CONGRESS REFUSED TO

1096. EVEN PASS A LAW BANNING PEOPLE

1097. ON THE NO-FLY LIST FROM BUYING A

1098. GUN.

1099. BUT LIKE, SHOULDN'T THE GUN LIST

1100. BE THE STRICTER LIST?

1101. LIKE THAT MEANS SOMEBODY OUT

1102. THERE IS BEING TOLD LIKE,

1103. "SORRY, SIR, WE DON'T TRUST YOU

1104. TO FLY TO CLEVELAND, BUT IF YOU

1105. WANT TO BUY THIS ASSAULT RIFLE

1106. AND TAKE THE BUS."

1107. THEY DON'T HAVE SECURITY ON THE

1108. BUS, MAN.

1109. IT'S JUST THE DRIVER, WHO LIKE

1110. MIGHT TURN AROUND ONCE IN A

1111. WHILE AND BE LIKE, "HEY!"

1112. PETE DAVIDSON, EVERYONE.

1113. THE ARMED PROTESTERS IN

1114. OREGON WERE UPSET AFTER THEY

1115. MADE A PLEA FOR SUPPLIES AND

1116. WERE SENT A BOX CONTAINING SEX

1117. TOYS.

1118. THEY WERE SO UPSET, YOU COULD

1119. HEAR THEM LOUDLY MOANING ABOUT

1120. IT.

1121. A WOMAN IN CALIFORNIA IS

1122. CLAIMING THAT SHE FOUND A

1123. SEVERED FINGERTIP IN AN

1124. APPLEBEE'S SALAD.

1125. DESPITE THEIR PROMISE TO ONLY

1126. ADD A TIP FOR PARTIES OF SIX OR

1127. MORE.

1128. > ACCORDING TO A REPORT,

1129. FORMER NEW YORK CITY MAYOR MIKE

1130. BLOOMBERG SECRETLY

1131. COMMISSIONED A POLL LAST MONTH

1132. TO SEE HOW HE WOULD DO IF HE RAN

1133. FOR PRESIDENT AS A THIRD-PARTY

1134. CANDIDATE.

1135. AND I FOR ONE WOULD LOVE TO SEE

1136. BLOOMBERG RUN AGAINST TRUMP.

1137. THEY'RE BOTH NEW YORK

1138. BILLIONAIRES YET THEY'RE SO

1139. DIFFERENT.

1140. IT'S LIKE A POLITICAL VERSION OF

1141. THE MOVIE "TWINS."

1142. BLOOMBERG, HE LOOKS LIKE HE'D

1143. SPEAK SOFTLY AND CARRY A BIG

1144. STICK.

1145. TRUMP LOOKS LIKE HE'D YELL

1146. LOUDLY WHILE HIS GOONS BEAT YOU

1147. WITH STICKS.

1148. OR MAYBE THEY SHOULD JUST TEAM

1149. UP.

1150. YOU KNOW HOW TRUMP IS ALWAYS

1151. SAYING "I'M GOING TO GET THE

1152. SMARTEST GUY."

1153. BLOOMBERG IS THE SMARTEST GUY.

1154. HE COULD BE THE WHOLE BRAIN FOR

1155. THE OPERATION AND LIVE INSIDE

1156. TRUMP LIKE KRANG FROM NINJA

1157. TURTLES.

1158. BUT MOSTLY I JUST WANT TO SEE

1159. BLOOMBERG AT A CAMPAIGN RALLY IN

1160. MISSISSIPPI AND HE TELLS

1161. EVERYONE THERE HE'S TAKING THEIR

1162. SODAS AWAY AND THEY JUST RIP HIM

1163. TO PIECES.

1164. PLUS IF WE FOLLOW A BLACK

1165. PRESIDENT FROM CHICAGO WITH A

1166. JEWISH PRESIDENT FROM NEW YORK,

1167. THE SOUTH IS DEFINITELY GOING TO

1168. SECEDE AGAIN.

1169. HOW WOULD WE EVEN TOP THAT?

1170. WE'D HAVE TO FIND A MUSLIM

1171. PRESIDENT FROM HOLLYWOOD.

1172. PRESSURE'S ON, SAEED FROM

1173. "LOST."

1174. A BRITISH SEX TOY COMPANY HAS

1175. CONSTRUCTED A PRIVATE BOOTH IN

1176. NEW YORK CITY FOR MEN TO

1177. MASTURBATE IN.

1178. GOOD.

1179. BECAUSE I'M GETTING TIRED OF

1180. DOING IT IN COLIN'S OFFICE.

1181. WAIT, WHAT?

1182. I'M KIDDING, MAN.

1183. I WOULD NEVER GET TIRED OF

1184. MASTURBATING IN YOUR OFFICE.

1185. MAN, I SLEEP IN THERE.

1186. I'M QUIET.

1187. A NEW STUDY FINDS THAT NEARLY

1188. HALF OF NON-SMOKING TEENAGERS IN

1189. THE U.S. ARE EXPOSED TO

1190. SECONDHAND SMOKE, WHILE THE

1191. OTHER HALF DON'T HAVE STEPDADS.

1192. BIG STEPDAD CREW HERE

1193. TONIGHT.

1194. ARIZONA POLICE ARRESTED A MAN

1195. WHO TRAVELED ALL THE WAY FROM

1196. PENNSYLVANIA TO HAVE SEX WITH A

1197. HORSE.

1198. I MEAN, IS THAT WHY HE SAID HE

1199. WAS THERE?

1200. BECAUSE IF SO, HE DEFINITELY

1201. CAME TO DO SOMETHING WAY WORSE.

1202. "HEY, YOU, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

1203. OH, ME?

1204. NOTHING.

1205. I WAS JUST GOING TO HAVE SEX

1206. WITH A HORSE.

1207. OKAY, YOU GOT ME.

1208. I'M ISIS.

1209. > A NEW STUDY FINDS THAT THE

1210. MOST COMMON NAMES OF GENIUSES

1211. ARE JOHN AND MARY, WHILE THE

1212. LEAST COMMON ARE BECKY AND SHAQ.

1213. OREGON POLICE ARRESTED A MAN

1214. WHO TRIED TO STEAL A

1215. TWO-FOOT-LONG PYTHON FROM A PET

1216. STORE BY STUFFING IT DOWN IN HIS

1217. PANTS.

1218. YEAH.

1219. SAID THE MAN, "I'LL GIVE YOU A

1220. HINT ABOUT WHICH SNAKE IN MY

1221. PANTS IS BIGGER.

1222. IT'S THE ONE THAT JUST BIT MY

1223. PENIS."

1224. A TEENAGE GIRL IN VIRGINIA

1225. SAVED HER FATHER AFTER HE WAS

1226. TRAPPED UNDER A BURNING PICKUP

1227. TRUCK AND SHE LIFTED IT OFF HIM.

1228. AND THAT STORY HAS ALREADY BEEN

1229. NOMINATED FOR EIGHT COUNTRY

1230. MUSIC AWARDS.

1231. AND NOW FOR OUR NEWSCASTERS

1232. OF TOMORROW SERIES, WHERE WE LET

1233. KIDS READ THE NEWS.

1234. TONIGHT'S JUNIOR ANCHOR IS A

1235. 12-YEAR-OLD ACTRESS WHO'S IN THE

1236. UPCOMING NICKELODEON MOVIE

1237. "STUDY BREAK TUMMY ACHE."

1238. PLEASE WELCOME LAURA PARSONS.

1239. HELLO, MICHAEL.

1240. WHAT A THRILL IT IS TO BE HERE.

1241. ♪ NEWS

1242. TALKING ABOUT NEWS

1243. LIVE ON THE SCENE IT'S 2016 ♪

1244. ♪ TALKIN' BOUT NEWS ♪

1245. THAT'S SO ADORABLE.

1246. I HEAR YOU'RE GOING TO REPORT

1247. SOME STORIES FOR US.

1248. I'D LOVE TO.

1249. THIS WEEK MEXICAN FUGITIVE,

1250. EL CHAPO WAS CAPTURED AFTER

1251. ESCAPING FROM PRISON.

1252. YOU MAY REMEMBER THAT EL CHAPO

1253. IS A MERCILESS DRUG LORD WHO WAS

1254. CONVICTED OF SELLING MILLIONS OF

1255. DOLLARS WORTH OF NARCOTICS,

1256. INCLUDING MARIJUANA, HEROIN AND

1257. COCAINE.

1258. LAURA, DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT

1259. COCAINE IS?

1260. NOT EXACTLY.

1261. BUT I THINK IT'S A POWDER THAT

1262. MAKES YOUR BRAIN GO, "I'M

1263. AMAZING!"

1264. I GUESS THAT'S RIGHT.

1265. LOOK, LAURA, DON'T YOU HAVE ANY

1266. STORIES THAT ARE MORE FUN OR

1267. SILLY?

1268. THE OREGON MILITIAMEN ARE MAD

1269. BECAUSE THEY ASKED FOR SUPPLIES,

1270. BUT INSTEAD PEOPLE SENT THEM

1271. DILDOS!

1272. LET'S JUST GET AWAY FROM THE

1273. NEWS ALTOGETHER, OKAY?

1274. HOW DID YOU SPEND YOUR HOLIDAY

1275. BREAK?

1276. WELL, I WATCHED A LOT OF TV.

1277. THAT'S GREAT.

1278. I LOVE THE SHOW "GLEE."

1279. IT'S GOT WONDERFUL SINGING AND

1280. ACTING AND DANCING.

1281. EVERYONE IN THE CAST IS SUCH A

1282. GREAT ROLE MODEL FOR ME.

1283. EXCEPT THE GUY WHO PLAYS TUCK,

1284. BECAUSE HE JUST GOT ARRESTED FOR

1285. CHILD PORNOGRAPHY!

1286. LAURA!

1287. POLICE FOUND OVER

1288. 1,000 PICTURES OF NAKED KIDS.

1289. OKAY, LAURA, DID ANYTHING

1290. GOOD HAPPEN TO ANYONE THIS WEEK?

1291. SURE DID.

1292. COMEDIAN BILL COSBY WAS RELEASED

1293. ON BAIL.

1294. NO.

1295. HE'S SO FUNNY.

1296. LAURA, THE CASE AGAINST

1297. BILL COSBY IS VERY SERIOUS.

1298. DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT HE DID?

1299. I THINK SO.

1300. HE GAVE SOME MEDICINE TO PEOPLE,

1301. EVEN THOUGH THEY DIDN'T NEED THE

1302. MEDICINE.

1303. THAT'S RIGHT.

1304. AND THEN HE RAPED THEM.

1305. LAURA PARSONS, EVERYBODY.

1306. ♪ I'M TALKIN 'BOUT NEWS ♪

1307. FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M

1308. MICHAEL CHE.

1309. I'M COLIN JOST.

1310. GOOD NIGHT.

1311. > GUYS, IF I HAD A REMOTE, I'D

1312. BE HITTING MUTE.

1313. OKAY?

1314. THAT'S BETTER.

1315. SO WE'RE CONTINUING AWARENESS

1316. WEEK TODAY WITH FOUR SPEAKERS

1317. WHO'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT

1318. BULLYING.

1319. HEY, TEAM.

1320. I'M WENDELL.

1321. THIS IS HARPER.

1322. AND WE'RE HERE TO TALK TO YOU

1323. ABOUT A FORM OF MENTAL

1324. HARASSMENT THAT WE BOTH GOT

1325. MIXED UP IN DURING HIGH SCHOOL.

1326. WHO'S FAMILIAR WITH SOCIAL

1327. PUPPETEERING?

1328. WOW.

1329. THAT'S SURPRISING.

1330. OKAY.

1331. IN SIMPLEST TERMS IT'S

1332. MANIPULATING OTHERS FOR YOUR OWN

1333. AMUSEMENT.

1334. HIJACKING SOMEONE'S REALITY TO

1335. FEEL POWERFUL.

1336. HERE'S AN EXAMPLE OF

1337. SOMETHING I DID.

1338. IN SIXTH GRADE I PAID LIKE

1339. 80 KIDS A BUCK TO GO UP TO THIS

1340. KID NATHAN AND SAY, "HEY, NICE

1341. HAT."

1342. SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

1343. NATHAN WASN'T WEARING A HAT.

1344. IF 80 KIDS SAY YOU'RE WEARING A

1345. HAT YOU START THINKING MAYBE I

1346. AM WEARING A HAT.

1347. AND WATCHING HIM WRESTLE WITH

1348. THAT MADE ME FEEL GOOD.

1349. I TOOK THE MOST VALUABLE THING

1350. HE HAD.

1351. HIS MIND.

1352. THAT'S THE IDEA BEHIND SOCIAL

1353. PUPPETEERING.

1354. ANY QUESTIONS?

1355. YEAH.

1356. HOW COME I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT

1357. THIS?

1358. I KNOW.

1359. IT SOUNDS SO FUN.

1360. OKAY.

1361. GUYS, THIS SHOULDN'T SOUND FUN

1362. TO YOU.

1363. OKAY?

1364. THEY'RE HERE TO TELL YOU HOW BAD

1365. IT IS.

1366. ABSOLUTELY.

1367. I MEAN, GUYS, IF YOU GET INTO

1368. THIS, IT WILL TAKE OVER YOUR

1369. LIFE.

1370. I SPENT THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS

1371. HONEY I SHRUNK THE KIDSING MY

1372. COUSIN.

1373. OH, PLEASE EXPLAIN THAT.

1374. I HIRED DAY LABORERS TO BUILD

1375. AN ENORMOUS REPLICA OF HIS ROOM

1376. IN AN AIRPLANE HANGAR.

1377. SO HE WOKE UP IN A THREE-STORY

1378. BED THE LENGTH OF AN OLYMPIC

1379. SWIMMING POOLING THINKING HE'S

1380. NOW HALF AN INCH TALL.

1381. I MEAN, I WENT ALL OUT.

1382. I GOT THE PEOPLE WHO MADE THE

1383. JURASSIC PARK DINOSAURS TO BUILD

1384. A GIANT ANIMATRONIC DADDY

1385. LONGLEGS HE HAD TO FIGHT.

1386. HE PEED HIMSELF AND HID IN A

1387. GIANT LEGO FOR HOURS.

1388. IT WAS PRETTY GREAT.

1389. ALSO WRONG.

1390. IT REALLY WILL RUIN YOUR

1391. LIFE, GANG.

1392. MY BROTHER DOESN'T SPEAK TO ME

1393. BECAUSE I VAMPIRED HIM.

1394. I WON'T BORE YOU WITH THE

1395. DETAILS.

1396. NO, PLEASE DO.

1397. WELL, IN A NUTSHELL, I HIRED

1398. THIS WEIRD ALBINO DUDE TO BITE

1399. HIM AND RUN AWAY.

1400. AND A WEEK LATER I START

1401. SPRINKLING A SMALL AMOUNT OF

1402. MOLLY INTO HIS DINNER EVERY

1403. NIGHT.

1404. SO AT NIGHT HE FEELS AMAZING.

1405. BUT DURING THE DAY HE FEELS A

1406. LITTLE BUMMED OUT BECAUSE THE

1407. MOLLY WAS WEARING OFF.

1408. SO HE STARTED CRAVING THE NIGHT

1409. BECAUSE THAT'S WHEN HE GOT THE

1410. MOLLY.

1411. THE NIGHTTIME BECAME HIS MAGICAL

1412. TIME.

1413. HE WAS CONVINCED THAT HE WAS A

1414. VAMPIRE.

1415. HE BIT OUR DAD.

1416. EXCUSE ME.

1417. I'M SORRY TO INTERRUPT, BUT I

1418. THINK I THAT I HAVE BEEN

1419. SOCIALLY PUPPETEERED.

1420. SEE, I'M NOT A TRANSFER STUDENT.

1421. I'M A 37-YEAR-OLD MAN.

1422. TWO MONTHS AGO WHAT I THOUGHT

1423. WAS AN ELITE POLICE SQUAD HIRED

1424. ME TO POSE AS A HIGH SCHOOL

1425. STUDENT AND GATHER INTEL ABOUT A

1426. NEW DRUG CALLED SQUISS.

1427. BUT I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM THEM

1428. SINCE.

1429. AND THEY DEFINITELY HAVEN'T BEEN

1430. PAYING ME.

1431. OH, YEAH.

1432. I'M SO SORRY BUT YOU GOT 21 JUMP

1433. STREETED.

1434. WOW.

1435. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT HAPPENED TO

1436. ME.

1437. IT CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE.

1438. DON'T BE A PUPPET.

1439. LEARN MORE AT

1440. WWW.STOPSOCIALPUPPETEERING.ORG.

1441. > WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL

1442. AND LIVING IN LONG ISLAND, I

1443. STAYED UP TO SEE DAVID BOWIE

1444. PLAY ON "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."

1445. AND WATCHING HIM WAS FOR ME A

1446. LIFE-CHANGING EXPERIENCE.

1447. HE HAD THESE BACKUP SINGERS THAT

1448. WERE LIKE CHOIR SINGERS FROM THE

1449. FUTURE AND A TOY POODLE WITH

1450. LIKE A TV MONITOR IN HIS MOUTH.

1451. DAVID BOWIE TRANSFORMED WHATEVER

1452. SPACE HE WAS IN, WHATEVER MEDIUM

1453. HE WAS USING.

1454. AND THAT NIGHT FOR ME HE

1455. TRANSFORMED LIVE TELEVISION.

1456. I ENCOURAGE YOU TO GO TO NBC.COM

1457. TO WATCH ALL OF HIS PERFORMANCES

1458. FROM THAT NIGHT IN 1979.

1459. AND NOW, DAVID BOWIE.

1460. ♪♪♪

1461. ♪ WE PASSED UPON THE STAIRS

1462. AND SPOKE OF WAS AND WHEN

1463. ALTHOUGH I WASN'T THERE

1464. HE SAID I WAS HIS FRIEND ♪

1465. ♪ WHICH CAME AS SOME SURPRISE

1466. I SPOKE INTO HIS EYES

1467. I THOUGHT YOU DIED ALONE

1468. A LONG LONG TIME AGO ♪

1469. ♪ OH NO NOT ME

1470. I NEVER LOST CONTROL

1471. YOU'RE FACE TO FACE

1472. WITH THE MAN WHO ♪

1473. ♪ SOLD THE WORLD ♪

1474. ♪ I LAUGHED AND SHOOK HIS HAND ♪

1475. > AND CARL ROSETTI AT

1476. DREAMWORKS, THIS WAS YOUR

1477. VISION.

1478. THANK YOU TO DEBBIE LIEBERMAN

1479. AND THE WHOLE TEAM AT CAA.

1480. AND — OH, AND TO THIS WONDERFUL

1481. MAN BESIDE ME.

1482. MY WRITING PARTNER AND MY

1483. HUSBAND.

1484. KEVIN, YOU ARE MY ROCK.

1485. AND OF COURSE MY TWO

1486. BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN, CODY AND

1487. MADISON.

1488. MOMMY AND DADDY DID IT.

1489. AND IF YOU'RE WATCHING THIS,

1490. GO TO BED.

1491. ♪♪♪

1492. YOU HEARD MOM.

1493. WE HAVE TO GO TO BED.

1494. BUT I'M NOT TIRED.

1495. ♪♪♪

1496. DEAR LORD, THANK YOU FOR

1497. GIVING MOMMY AND DADDY A GOLDEN

1498. GLOBE.

1499. AND PLEASE WATCH OVER US

1500. UNTIL THEY GET HOME.

1501. AMEN.

1502. BUT WE DIDN'T GET A STORY.

1503. YOU HEARD MOM.

1504. WE HAVE TO GO TO BED RIGHT NOW.

1505. ARE YOU AWAKE?

1506. YEAH.

1507. DO YOU THINK MOMMY AND DADDY

1508. ARE THINKING ABOUT US?

1509. I KNOW THEY ARE.

1510. HA, HA!

1511. WE WON A FRICKING GOLDEN GLOBE!

1512. THIS IS THE BEST THING THAT

1513. EVER HAPPENED TO US!

1514. AAAAAH!

1515. ♪♪♪

1516. MOM LOOKED PRETTY WHEN SHE

1517. LEFT.

1518. DO YOU THINK SHE'S EVER GOING TO

1519. COME BACK?

1520. YES.

1521. OF COURSE.

1522. I DON'T KNOW.

1523. I JUST STOOD NEXT TO

1524. LEE PRIBOR AT THE URINAL.

1525. SAW HIS WHOLE.

1526. IT'S HUGE.

1527. I KNEW IT.

1528. THIS WHOLE NIGHT IS SO AMAZING.

1529. ♪♪♪

1530. WHAT WAS THAT?

1531. IT'S PROBABLY NOTHING.

1532. LOOK AT ME.

1533. I'M RAY DONOVAN.

1534. YOU'RE SO FUNNY.

1535. ♪♪♪

1536. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, GUYS, GUYS,

1537. SORRY.

1538. STARS ONLY.

1539. YOU, MAN.

1540. DON'T PUSH MY WIFE!

1541. BE A MAN FOR ONCE, KEVIN.

1542. HIT HIM.

1543. YOU DON'T WANT TO HIT ME,

1544. SIR.

1545. HOLD ON TO YOUR HAT.

1546. YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET POUNDED!

1547. ♪♪♪

1548. COME BACK HERE!

1549. ♪♪♪

1550. LOOK.

1551. I TOLD YOU THEY'D COME BACK.

1552. ♪♪♪

1553. YOU KIDS LIKE EGGS?

1554. GOOD.

1555. ME TOO.

1556. YOUR PARENTS ARE VERY COOL

1557. PEOPLE.

1558. VERY COOL.

1559. WE HAD A GOOD, COOL TIME.

1560. YOU KIDS CAN DRESS YOURSELVES

1561. FOR SCHOOL, RIGHT?

1562. MM-HMM.

1563. THAT'D PROBABLY BE BEST.

1564. ♪♪♪

1565. I HATE THE GLOBES.

1566. I LOVE YOU, BIG BROTHER.

1567. I LOVE YOU TOO.

1568. ♪♪♪

1569. > ONCE AGAIN, CHRIS STAPLETON.

1570. ♪♪♪

1571. ♪♪♪

1572. ♪ SHE TOOK DOWN THE

1573. PHOTOGRAPH OF OUR WEDDING DAY

1574. RIPPED IT DOWN THE MIDDLE AND

1575. THREW MY HALF AWAY ♪

1576. ♪ AND I GOT NOBODY

1577. TO BLAME BUT ME

1578. I GOT NOBODY TO BLAME BUT ME

1579. SHE BROKE ALL MY ♪

1580. ♪ FISHING RODS PUT MY

1581. GUNS IN HOCK THREW MY

1582. CLOTHES OUT IN THE YARD AND

1583. CHANGED OUT ALL THE LOCKS ♪

1584. ♪ AND I GOT NOBODY

1585. TO BLAME BUT ME

1586. I GOT NOBODY TO BLAME BUT ME

1587. I KNOW RIGHT WHERE ♪

1588. ♪ I WENT WRONG

1589. I KNOW JUST WHAT GOT HER GONE

1590. TURNED MY LIFE INTO THIS

1591. COUNTRY SONG ♪

1592. ♪ AND I GOT NOBODY

1593. TO BLAME BUT ME

1594. I GOT NOBODY TO BLAME

1595. BUT ME ♪

1596. ♪♪♪

1597. ♪♪♪

1598. ♪ SHE FIRED UP MY OLD

1599. HOT ROD RAN IT IN THE POND

1600. PUT SUGAR IN MY JOHN DEERE

1601. I CAN'T EVEN MOW MY LAWN ♪

1602. ♪ AND I GOT NOBODY

1603. TO BLAME BUT ME

1604. I GOT NOBODY TO BLAME BUT ME

1605. SHE BUILT HER A BONFIRE ♪

1606. ♪ WITH MY OLD SIX STRING

1607. TOOK ALL MY GOOD WHISKEY

1608. AND POURED IT DOWN THE DRAIN

1609. AND I GOT NOBODY ♪

1610. ♪ TO BLAME BUT ME

1611. I GOT NOBODY TO BLAME BUT ME

1612. I KNOW RIGHT WHERE

1613. I WENT WRONG ♪

1614. ♪ I KNOW JUST WHAT

1615. GOT HER GONE

1616. TURNED MY LIFE INTO

1617. A COUNTRY SONG ♪

1618. ♪ AND I GOT NOBODY

1619. TO BLAME BUT ME

1620. I GOT NOBODY TO BLAME BUT ME

1621. NOBODY TO BLAME BUT ME ♪

1622. ♪ I GOT NOBODY TO BLAME

1623. BUT ME ♪

1624. ♪ I GOT NOBODY TO BLAME

1625. BUT ME ♪

1626. ♪♪♪

1627. ♪♪♪

1628. ♪♪♪

1629. ♪♪♪

1630. ♪♪♪

1631. > NURSE, WHO IS MY NEXT

1632. PATIENT?

1633. OH, NO.

1634. HE HURT HIS BIG THIGH DURING THE

1635. GAME?

1636. SEND HIM IN.

1637. HI, DOCTOR.

1638. I NEED HELP WITH MY BODY.

1639. OW.

1640. OW.

1641. OOH.

1642. OW.

1643. I HURT MY BIG THIGH DURING THE

1644. BIG GAME.

1645. RIGHT WHEN I WAS ABOUT TO SCORE.

1646. WELL, MAYBE I CAN HELP YOU

1647. SCORE.

1648. RIGHT NOW.

1649. WHERE DOES IT HURT?

1650. WAY UP AT THE TOP PART OF MY

1651. THIGH.

1652. I DON'T KNOW.

1653. ABOUT A CENTIMETER BELOW MY BALL

1654. SACK.

1655. LET ME TAKE A LOOK.

1656. HOW DOES IT FEEL WHEN I DO THIS?

1657. UH, I DON'T KNOW.

1658. DOCTOR.

1659. I'M NOT GAY.

1660. ARE YOU SURE?

1661. GOOD POINT.

1662. I'M CONVINCED.

1663. LET'S DO SEX.

1664. OH, YEAH.

1665. F YEAH.

1666. OH, YEAH.

1667. F YEAH.

1668. YES.

1669. EXCUSE ME.

1670. DR. ROCKHARD?

1671. I HAD A 2:00 APPOINTMENT AND I

1672. STILL HAVE NOT BEEN SEEN.

1673. HUH?

1674. YEAH.

1675. ALL THESE BIG MUSCULAR GUYS

1676. KEEP CUTTING ME.

1677. BUT MY MOM SAID I NEED TO SEE A

1678. DOCTOR RIGHT AWAY.

1679. MY STOMACH IS REAL SORE.

1680. ME TOO.

1681. MY GROIN IS SORE.

1682. AND I NEED TO MAKE IT MORE

1683. SORE.

1684. OH.

1685. WHAT?

1686. YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE IT MORE SORE?

1687. ALL RIGHT.

1688. I MEAN, YOU WENT TO MEDICAL

1689. SCHOOL, NOT ME.

1690. YEAH.

1691. I GRADUATED BEST TOP IN MY

1692. CLASS.

1693. WOW.

1694. THAT'S AWESOME, DR. ROCKHARD.

1695. AND I'M ALWAYS ON BOTTOM.

1696. WELL, THAT'S NOTHING TO BRAG

1697. ABOUT.

1698. I WILL BE IN THE WAITING ROOM

1699. WITH MY MOM.

1700. BUT PLEASE HURRY, DR. ROCKHARD.

1701. SO PATIENT, YOU PLAY SOCCER.

1702. DOES THAT MEAN YOU'RE GOOD AT

1703. JUGGLING BALLS?

1704. WITH MY FEET.

1705. WOW.

1706. THAT'S HOT.

1707. BUT THERE'S A PROBLEM,

1708. DOCTOR.

1709. I DON'T HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE.

1710. THAT'S OKAY.

1711. I THINK I CAN FIGURE OUT ANOTHER

1712. WAY FOR YOU TO PAY.

1713. OH, F.

1714. OH, YEAH.

1715. F YEAH.

1716. OH, F YEAH.

1717. EXCUSE ME, DOCTOR.

1718. I KIND OF OVERHEARD BECAUSE I

1719. WASN'T ALL THE WAY GONE YET.

1720. MY MOM ALSO DOESN'T HAVE HEALTH

1721. INSURANCE.

1722. SO CAN WE PAY HOWEVER HE'S

1723. PAYING?

1724. UH.

1725. I MEAN, SHE DOES HAVE HEALTH

1726. INSURANCE BUT IT DOESN'T KICK IN

1727. UNTIL THE 1st OF THE MONTH.

1728. SHE HAS BLUE CROSS.

1729. AND I HAVE BLUE BALLS.

1730. OH, NO.

1731. YOU NEED 5050 CCs OF BONER,

1732. STAT.

1733. ALL THIS MEDICAL TALK GOES

1734. OVER MY HEAD.

1735. I'M NEXT, RIGHT?

1736. YEAH.

1737. ARE YOU POSITIVE?

1738. YEAH.

1739. BUT DON'T TELL THEM OR THEY'LL

1740. MAKE ME LEAVE.

1741. OKAY.

1742. WHATEVER YOU SAY, DR. ROCKHARD.

1743. OH, NO, DOCTOR.

1744. NOW MY OTHER BIG THIGH HURTS.

1745. YOU'RE IN LUCK.

1746. I'VE GOT MEDICATION THAT CURES

1747. ANYTHING.

1748. BUT I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'LL BE

1749. ABLE TO SWALLOW IT.

1750. WHY?

1751. IS IT BIG?

1752. OH, YEAH.

1753. SO BIG.

1754. HOW BIG IS IT, DOCTOR?

1755. TOO BIG FOR YOU TO SWALLOW.

1756. OOH.

1757. OH, IS IT LIKE A GEL CAP?

1758. WHAT?

1759. BECAUSE I KNOW THOSE ARE BIG

1760. BUT I CAN GET THEM DOWN WITH

1761. WATER.

1762. AND IF NOT MY MOM CAN CUT THEM

1763. IN HALF AND PUT THEM IN MY

1764. MASHED POTATOES.

1765. PLEASE, DR. ROCKHARD.

1766. GIVE IT TO ME.

1767. MY STOMACH HURTS REALLY BAD.

1768. I CAN'T GIVE IT TO YOU.

1769. BUT I CAN GIVE IT TO YOUR MOM.

1770. HELL, YEAH.

1771. OKAY.

1772. THAT WORKS TOO.

1773. THANK YOU, DR. ROCKHARD.

1774. YOU KNOW, MY MOM WAS NERVOUS

1775. ABOUT THIS DOCTOR'S OFFICE

1776. BECAUSE WHEN SHE WENT ON YOUR

1777. WEBSITE IT MORNING IT CRASHED

1778. HER WHOLE COMPUTER.

1779. BUT I THINK YOU'RE COOL.

1780. SO THANKS FOR SQUEEZING ME IN.

1781. I LOVE TO SQUEEZE THINGS IN.

1782. I KNOW.

1783. YOU'RE JAM-PACKED TODAY.

1784. ABOUT TO BE.

1785. WELL, IT MUST BE HARD.

1786. IT HAS TO BE HARD.

1787. WELL, I'LL GET OUT OF YOUR

1788. HAIR.

1789. I DON'T HAVE ANY HAIR.

1790. NOW, LET'S GET BACK TO THAT BIG

1791. THIGH.

1792. BUT I THINK I NEED A SECOND,

1793. THIRD, FOURTH, AND FIFTH

1794. OPINION.

1795. OH, YEAH.

1796. OH, YEAH.

1797. YEAH, YEAH.

1798. YEAH.

1799. WAIT A MINUTE.

1800. ALL THESE DOCTORS WORK HERE?

1801. WILL SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME?

1802. HELLO.

1803. > THANKS TO CHRIS STAPLETON,

1804. FRED ARMISEN, LORNE, THIS

1805. AMAZING CAST, ALL THE WRITERS,

1806. AND TO OUR MEN AND WOMEN SERVING

1807. OVERSEAS, GET HOME SAFE.

1808. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

1809. GOOD NIGHT.

1810. ♪♪♪