1. Yeah. Yeah.
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2. Hey, happy birthday.
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3. - Oh, hey.
- Hey, baby.
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4. Hey, happy birthday.
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5. Cool jacket.
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6. - Hi.
- Hey.
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7. Hi. How are you?
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8. Hey, birthday baby!
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9. It's laced with cocaine
like the Israelis do it.
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10. Oh.
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11. Are you having fun?
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12. Fun is for suckers, Max.
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13. Two minutes ago, I turned 36.
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14. Staring down the barrel
of my own mortality always beats fun.
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15. Don't be morbid. This is your party,
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16. and I'm making you
a fucking birthday chicken.
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17. - Thank you.
- You're welcome.
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18. Oh, my God, that bathroom, so killer.
That door...
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19. - Oh, yeah.
- Straight fire.
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20. I'm the artist and you're the factory.
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21. Lizzy, you made that door?
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22. - No, she made it.
- She built it.
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23. - Congrats. It's terrifying.
- Thank you.
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24. You having fun, birthday buddy?
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25. Fun straddling.
Hey, you're a good person to ask this.
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26. Do, uh... Do ladies have midlife crises?
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27. Why? 'Cause I'm dating a younger woman?
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28. - Younger?
- Dating?
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29. Fine, fucking a 22 year old.
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30. Does she know what 9/11 is?
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31. Does anyone?
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32. Aren't you a little young
for a mid-life crisis?
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33. I mean, I smoke what?
Two packs a day.
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34. I have the internal organs
of a man twice my age.
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35. If I make it to my low 70s,
I'll be shocked.
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36. My cat's gone.
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37. - Oatmeal, no.
- What do you mean, gone?
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38. Well, you know, not gone gone,
but he hasn't been back in three days.
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39. Usually if he wanders off,
he's back at my place or the deli
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40. within 48 hours max.
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41. Oh, he's dead.
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42. No. No, he's not dead.
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43. It's New York City.
You can't let a cat outside.
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44. - You can't.
- Fundamentally, he's a deli cat.
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45. He has survived more
than the three of us can imagine.
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46. Okay, maybe you should consider
making Oatmeal a strictly indoor cat...
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47. to be safe.
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48. Man, okay. You know what?
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49. I don't believe in dictating
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50. the boundaries
of a sentient being's existence.
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51. For you, it's safety.
For me and Oatmeal, it's a prison.
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52. However old you feel, Nad,
you definitely sound 22.
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53. Thank you.
It's my bad attitude that keeps me young.
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54. All right.
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55. Let's make some choices.
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56. So when people say working class,
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57. what they really mean is people
who can't afford to go to college.
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58. So these people, they feel sidelined
by the American dream, right?
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59. So they resort to xenophobia
and the bigotry,
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60. which the right
stokes with pundit bullying,
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61. which is why we're in the situation
we're in now.
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62. It's people voting
against their own interests.
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63. - They don't know...
- You got kids?
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64. - What is that? Your pick-up line?
- Well...
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65. Hasn't failed me yet.
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66. Yeah, I've got a son.
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67. - I don't want to see a picture.
- It's not a picture, it's a text.
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68. Oh, from your wife?
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69. His mother and I split up last year.
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70. Huh.
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71. I have a cat.
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72. Your place is great.
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73. Oh, it's not my place. It's just my party.
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74. You know, this whole building
used to be a school for Jews.
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75. Right.
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76. Seriously.
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77. Yeshiva students used to study the Talmud
right where you're standing.
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78. What do you do?
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79. I'm a software engineer.
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80. You know, I freelance.
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81. Uh, I used to work for Rock n' Roll games.
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82. No shit.
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83. I play Dark Justice all the time.
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84. Battleground Blackout too.
What's your handle?
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85. - I don't play.
- You don't play.
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86. Uh-uh.
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87. Jesus, you're wet.
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88. I know, right?
It's like, don't go chasing waterfalls.
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89. Lisa Left Eye Lopes was always
my favorite because she burned down...
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90. That guy's house.
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91. Hi, do you have a quarter?
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92. - Hi, do you have a quarter?
- No.
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93. You all right?
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94. I think I know that guy.
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95. Okay, here you go. Take it easy.
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96. Worries me a bit.
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97. Let's get some provisions.
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98. I'm telling you, my sister,
you should go for her.
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99. She's fucking hot. She's fucking hot.
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100. - I text her a lot. She doesn't...
- This is great.
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101. I feel like I'm choking you,
but I'm not.
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102. Okay, big boy. All right.
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103. All right. Yes. Yes.
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104. - See...
- That's lambskin.
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105. Now, that's a good call,
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106. 'cause my little pussy lips
are allergic to latex.
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107. Well, good, then. Where's the guy?
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108. Wait for me in the back. It's okay.
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109. Hey, Farran, how's it going?
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110. Hey. Ah, it's been better.
Came to get smokes?
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111. You seen Oatmeal?
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112. Uh, not for a while.
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113. Um, I leave the Meow Mix back there,
but, uh, nothing.
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114. - What's up with your friend?
- He's having a rough night.
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115. Dude, I'm telling you.
She's into you.
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116. Okay, 'cause I just texted her.
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117. I talk to my sister all the time,
and she thinks you're hot.
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118. Just text her.
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119. Hey. Hey, legs.
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120. Where's Clockwork Bar?
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121. You want to take a left
at Disneyland, dipshit.
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122. Oh, come on. We're new
to the neighborhood. Where can we party?
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123. - Avenue D and 8th Street.
- All right. Thank you.
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124. Yeah. Yeah.
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125. Was that so hard?
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126. Fucking seriously, bro?
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127. - Okay.
- Jesus.
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128. Nice.
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129. Hey, muchos, bro.
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130. - I think that guy's fucking her.
- All right.
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131. Where did you send them?
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132. A hardware store that closed in 1996.
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133. I don't know why anal play
is still so taboo for straight males.
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134. It's almost parodic at this point, but...
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135. It's like I tell my students...
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136. Hey, I don't want to hear about you
fucking your students. I don't like that.
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137. This whole thing's for your cat?
A tree at the top, cat's at the bottom.
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138. He's a climber, I guess.
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139. That's bold, assuming that my cat is male.
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140. I mean, I get it, right? I'm single
and I choose to foster a pet,
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141. so it must be a pathetic attempt
to fill the hole in my soul
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142. that would otherwise be filled by what?
A penis? No, thanks. I'm full up.
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143. So what do you want me to do?
Call you a sad cat lady
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144. so you could say you aren't one?
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145. Oh, come on.
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146. I mean, being a feline lover is not
and has never been sad.
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147. I mean, the one, in practical application,
just means the one I'm gonna die with.
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148. You know, to take care of me
when I'm infirm and shit.
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149. So, my move is gonna be to wait
till I'm in like my late 60s
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150. and then seal the deal.
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151. That is, of course, assuming
I don't die between then and now.
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152. Why didn't you talk like this
before we fucked?
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153. I didn't know you liked this type of shit.
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154. I thought you were a real sick fuck,
but I see you're pretty deep, actually.
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155. Why don't you come over here
and sit on my face right now?
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156. I would...
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157. but...
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158. I just called you an Uber.
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159. Hey, little one.
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160. Come here.
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161. - Fuck!
- Oh, my God.
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162. - Holy shit.
- Are you okay?
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163. Sweet birthday baby! Having fun?
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164. It's laced with cocaine
like the Israelis do it.
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165. Max.
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166. You're not having fun?
You hate your party?
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167. What was I just doing?
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168. What? What do you mean?
You were in the bathroom.
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169. - You mean before that?
- Do you ever think it's weird?
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170. You know, just, like, partying
in an old Yeshiva school?
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171. Why would it be weird?
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172. Because this was once,
you know, a... sacred place.
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173. It's New York.
Real estate is sacred.
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174. What's up with you?
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175. Oatmeal... is gone.
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176. Gone? No. He always comes back.
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177. What's up with the baby?
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178. I don't know.
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179. But if nobody eats my chicken,
I'm gonna fucking kill myself.
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180. - Max, the bathroom looks straight killer.
- Oh, thank you.
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181. Is it vaginal enough?
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182. Okay, let it go. Let... Let that go.
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183. It's a party.
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184. Come on. We're dancing.
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185. It's like John Updike said,
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186. "Every marriage tends to consist
of an aristocrat and a peasant...
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187. of a teacher and a learner."
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188. Since my ex has tenure at...
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189. You got kids?
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190. What is that, your pick-up line?
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191. A son. You have a son.
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192. Have we met before?
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193. I think I have amnesia.
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194. But you just remembered something.
Amnesia means you forget stuff.
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195. You know, it's a myth
that fish have no memory.
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196. Some fish... they can remember months.
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197. And a channel catfish can remember
hearing a human announcing food
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198. up to five years after last hearing it.
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199. Hey.
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200. - Didn't you used to have more fish?
- What?
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201. No. I have two, Ketchup and Mustard.
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202. Are they right-side up?
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203. No, they're alive.
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204. The fucking stairs almost killed me.
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205. Nothing in this world is easy...
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206. except pissing in a shower.
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207. - Hi, Ruth.
- Happy birthday, muffin.
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208. And, no, no, I am not late.
No, it's only 11... ish.
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209. I don't know what I'm doing.
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210. I was gonna go home and fuck this guy,
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211. but now I just feel so profoundly empty.
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212. Do you know when menopause starts?
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213. Uh, why don't we...
sit crooked and talk straight?
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214. I don't know. I was having
the most intense déjà vu,
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215. like I've done this already, you know?
This night, this party.
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216. This conversation?
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217. No, this... This feels... new.
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218. I think this is new.
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219. So that makes me think
that, uh, you know, maybe I'm okay.
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220. This was always gonna be
a tough birthday.
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221. Ruth, you know, you're a great shrink
and everything, but you're not my shrink.
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222. And not everything is about Mom.
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223. But I think she would've been proud
you made it to 36.
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224. Mmm. I don't know. I mean,
she was pretty competitive.
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225. Eh, ipso facto,
maybe she would've been pretty excited
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226. that I was actually finally older
than she ever was.
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227. There you have it.
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228. Okay, I'm gonna make another chicken.
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229. Will you guys eat another chicken?
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230. Top ten idea. Top ten chicken.
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231. Maxine, what is this?
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232. Oh.
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233. I got this
at a Circuit City liquidation sale,
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234. but I put my own projections onto it.
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235. It's a little geeky, but...
I think you guys are gonna like it.
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236. Yeah?
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237. - Yeah.
- Fine. Okay.
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238. Let's... Let's get into it. Okay.
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239. This is a safe space.
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240. I'm looking for a communal experience
and not a solo performance.
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241. Lights, please.
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242. What the fuck? Oh, hey, Nad.
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243. I think I'm gonna throw up.
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244. Are you okay?
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245. Lizzy, does this bathroom
seem weird to you?
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246. - You drink too much?
- Me too.
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247. No. No, no, no, no, no.
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248. - Not more than usual.
- You smoke too much?
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249. Uh, I can't remember the last time I ate,
but then other things are so clear.
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250. Like they already happened
and I'm doing them again.
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251. I think I'm dead.
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252. We're all dead.
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253. Sees a Fellini film once.
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254. Hey, are you okay?
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255. John, yeah, we're all good.
Nad's just a little under the weather.
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256. No, no, no. I'm okay, I'm okay. It's okay.
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257. It's okay. I'm okay.
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258. Are you fucking kidding me?
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259. There are people hopping up and down
on one leg out here.
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260. Oh, well, she's the birthday girl
and he's her ex,
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261. so if I were you, I'd get a backup plan.
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262. You guys aren't out in 20 minutes,
I'll tell the line to wait longer.
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263. Okay, thanks, Lucy.
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264. Hi.
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265. Hi.
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266. Honestly, I think I'd feel better
if you just told me,
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267. "You sound like a crazy bitch."
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268. No, I just want to understand. So...
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269. you think you were hit by a car
while you were chasing your cat,
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270. and now you're reliving your birthday?
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271. No, I don't think.
I'm telling you it actually happened.
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272. Okay, well, let's say
that you were actually hit by a car.
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273. Again, not hypothetical. Just a fact
is what I'm trying to tell you.
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274. So somebody
who was actually struck by a vehicle
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275. maybe would have marks or something.
But you, right now, look fantastic.
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276. In fact, you look beautiful.
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277. Thank you, but I feel like
we're talking about something else.
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278. I'm grateful that you're complimenting me.
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279. - I'm not...
- You're not hearing me.
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280. I'm just saying
it didn't seem like it affected you,
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281. whatever this thing that happened...
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282. Oh, I see. So now it's just
a metaphor for our relationship.
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283. My point is, is that you're okay.
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284. Ah, yeah, I did smoke
one of Maxine's joints,
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285. and I think that, uh,
maybe it's just, yeah...
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286. Me and cocaine are like oil and vinegar.
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287. I just think
I'm not good at mixing substances.
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288. Or metaphors.
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289. Did I not say like oil and vinegar?
Is that not a fucking simile?
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290. Okay, how are you?
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291. - You really want to know?
- I do.
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292. Well, my divorce is straight up harrowing
at this point,
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293. and... the last six months of my life
have been an onslaught of personal failure
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294. and, uh... other people's misery.
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295. In a fun way?
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296. Sorry.
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297. How is Lucy?
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298. She's gonna be fine.
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299. But...
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300. I miss you very much.
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301. Don't use your kid
to try to guilt me to get back together.
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302. Don't use my kid to ease your guilt.
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303. I lost my cat.
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304. What do you mean?
What happened to Oatmeal?
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305. Doesn't he go out down to the park
and to the deli,
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306. like stuff like that?
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307. It's been...
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308. three days.
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309. You want to go find him?
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310. - Really?
- Yeah.
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311. Remember littering?
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312. Remember Dinkins?
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313. Eh.
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314. I think I know this guy.
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315. Hey!
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316. Do I know you?
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317. What?
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318. Do we know each other?
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319. Fuck off!
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320. Sounds like you guys have a lot in common.
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321. Oatmeal.
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322. Hey!
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323. What are you doing?
Did you not see that car?
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324. That was Oatmeal. Let's go.
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325. No, we're not going anywhere, okay?
I'm taking you home. You need sleep.
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326. You're not gonna help me look for Oatmeal?
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327. I thought Oatmeal was a line you were
using to get me to go home with you.
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328. Oh, you think I need a line.
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329. This is you we're talking about.
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330. I wouldn't have known it was your birthday
party if Maxine hadn't texted me.
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331. Do you know who gets mad about
not being invited to birthday parties?
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332. Little girls. Grow up.
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333. Jesus.
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334. Uh-oh, cars.
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335. Fucking Christ.
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336. Oatmeal.
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337. Fuck.
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338. Oatmeal.
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339. Oatmeal.
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340. Come here, my little fucking baby.
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341. My little maniac.
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342. Who's a little lost boy?
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343. Yeah, you're the fucking one.
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344. You're the one, baby.
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345. I love you.
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346. Did we do it?
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347. Yeah, we fucking did it.
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348. Oatmeal?
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349. The fuck?
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350. Fuck, fuck, fuck!
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351. Oatmeal.
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352. Fuck.
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353. Fuck. Excuse me.
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354. Sweet birthday baby, having fun?
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355. The universe is trying to fuck with me,
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356. and I refuse to engage.
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357. Do you hear me? I won't do it!
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358. And I don't give a fuck
if you disappear my cat.
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359. Nadia, you're acting a little...
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360. What is in this?
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361. It's laced with cocaine,
just like the Israelis.
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362. No, man, no.
I've tried cocaine many times,
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363. and nothing has ever
fucked me up like this did.
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364. - Yeah, you haven't even smoked it yet.
- All right, Maxine.
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365. If there is a chance, I mean any chance,
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366. that there is something in here
other than cocaine,
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367. I really need you to just tell me.
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368. Come on, Nads. Stop acting
like such a victim. You're a cockroach.
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369. I am not a cockroach.
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370. Why would you call me a cockroach?
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371. What does that even fucking mean,
a cockroach?
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372. You can eat anything,
take anything, do anything.
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373. It's impossible to destroy you.
You'll never die.
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374. I am dying constantly! Ouch!
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375. Nads, if you're gonna act like this,
then maybe you should just leave, okay?
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376. Don't bail on my party for you!
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377. Look, I'm at a work thing, so just
call me when you get back into town.
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378. I miss you, too. Okay, bye.
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379. - Ow!
- Oh, whoa, whoa!
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380. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
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381. You almost took us both down.
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382. Thanks.
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383. Be careful.
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384. Fuck you.
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385. Fuck.
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386. Be careful.
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