Robot Chicken 2x14

Directed by

Scarlett Johansson as Veronica Lodge, Dolores (voice)

The classic movie The Beastmaster takes Broadway by storm. Lance Armstrong gets revenge on France. Buck Rogers learns what his name rhymes with. The gang from Archie Comics learn that nobody cheats Death for long! Rebroadcast as "Blankets in a Pig" on May 15, 2008 with Britney Spears as Citizen Spears instead of the Archies as the final segment.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. ROBOT CHICKEN 32 VEGGIES 4 SLOTH >> HA HA HA!

2. IT'S ALIVE!

3. IT'S ALIVE!

4. >> OK, EVERYONE OUT.

5. I GOT TO DROP A WHOLE FUDGE CAKE.

6. >>

7. >> ANDREW LLOYD WEBER'S "THE BEASTMASTER" IS BROADWAY'S

8. NEWEST SMASH SENSATION.

9. >> ♪ I'M DAR, THE BEASTMASTER ♪ >> DAVID HASSELHOFF RETURNS TO

10. BROADWAY AS DAR THE BEASTMASTER.

11. >> ♪ I SEEK VENGEANCE AGAINST THE CULT LEADER

12. >> COUNTRY SINGER FAITH HILL STARS AS KIRI.

13. >> ♪ IS THERE NO ONE FOR ME? ♪ >> ♪ I'M THE BEASTMASTER

14. MY FRIEND'S A BLACK PANTHER YOUR THOUGHTS ARE ON

15. BESTIALITY ♪ >> NATHAN LANE AND MATTHEW

16. BRODERICK ARE REUNITED AS THE TWIN FERRETS KONO AND BONO.

17. >> HEY, KONO.

18. >> HEY, BONO.

19. >> WHERE'S FRONO?

20. >> YOU DON'T KNOW.

21. HAKUNA MATADA!

22. >> AND THE ORIGINAL TAP-DANCING KID, ALFONSO RIBEIRO,

23. IS A PANTHER NAMED PANTHER.

24. >> ♪ THESE CLAWS OF MINE DIG INTO YOU

25. WHEN I MAKE LOVE TO YOU ♪ >> ♪ I'M GONNA THROW YOUR BABY

26. IN THE FIRE ♪ >> KISS ROCKER GENE SIMMONS

27. MAKES HIS BROADWAY DEBUT AS MAX.

28. >> ♪ 'CAUSE I'M A CULT LEADER FOLLOW TODAY

29. A CULT LEADER I'LL MAKE YOU PRAY TO ME

30. CULT LEADER ♪ >> ♪ IT'S THE LAW OF THE JUNGLE

31. IT'S L-O-V, LOVE BEASTMAN AND GIRL

32. TOGETHER IN HARMONY ♪ >> I'LL GET YOU, BEASTMASTER!

33. TOGETHER IN HARMONY ♪ >> I'LL GET YOU, BEASTMASTER!

34. >> THANK YOU. IT IS AN HONOR TO HAVE WON THE TOUR DE FRANCE

35. FOR A SEVENTH TIME!

36. >> >> LUCKY SEVEN! YOU KNOW,

37. I'VE MADE A BET WITH YOUR PRESIDENT CHIRAC THAT

38. I WOULD WIN THIS RACE 7 TIMES AND BREAK THE ALL-TIME RECORD.

39. IN FACT, PRESIDENT CHIRAC BET ME ALL OF FRANCE

40. THAT I COULDN'T WIN 7 TIMES.

41. HE EVEN GOT ALL HIS GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS TO SIGN THIS DOCUMENT

42. MAKING ME THE SUPER-PRESIDENT OF FRANCE.

43. GO ON AND SAY IT, YOU LITTLE WEASEL.

44. >> UH...

45. >> THAT'S RIGHT, ALL YOU LITTLE PEPE LE PEWS—LANCE ARMSTRONG

46. IS LARGE AND IN CHARGE!

47. BRING HER DOWN, BOYS.

48. WHOO-HOO-HOO-HOO!

49. SUPER-PRESIDENT! HA HA!

50. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. BACK UP.

51. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.

52. WHO'S THIS BITCH?

53. YOU HALF-SMILING AT ME?

54. I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO HALF-SMILE ABOUT.

55. HALF A SET OF BALLS IN YOUR MOUTH.

56. HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, MONA LISA?

57. I'LL MAKE YOU MOAN.

58. YOU LAUGHING AT MY BALLS?

59. I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING RIGHT NOW, BABY.

60. I BEAT CANCER.

61. I'LL BEAT THE OUT OF YOU.

62. YOU GOT GREY POUPON.

63. I'LL POOP ON YOU.

64. >> MON DIEU!

65. >> OH, GOD, I'M LONELY!

66. WAIT A SECOND. WAIT A SECOND.

67. WHERE'S FROGETTE? FROGETTE!

68. >> WAS IT NO GOOD, SUPER-PRESIDENT ARMSTRONG?

69. >> OH, NO, BABY. ALL THOSE YEARS ON THAT BIKE SEAT.

70. COME ON, BABY.

71. YOU GOT TO DO IT HARD!

72. OH, COME ON. I WANT TO CROSS THAT FINISH LINE!

73. CROSS THAT FINISH LINE.

74. >> THAT'S RIGHT, LANCE.

75. WE'RE GOING TO CROSS THAT FINISH LINE.

76. >> WHAT THIS "WE" ?

77. >> HEY, BABY. MERRY CHRISTMAS.

78. YES, I KNOW I SAID I'D STOP CALLING, BUT IT'S THE HOLIDAYS,

79. AND I JUST WANTED TO SAY HOW HAPPY I AM THAT YOU

80. FOUND SOMEONE NEW.

81. IS HE THERE RIGHT NOW?

82. OH, THE WHOLE FAMILY IS THERE OPENING PRESENTS.

83. WELL, THAT'S JUST GREAT, BECAUSE I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU.

84. >> OH, MY GOD!

85. >> SANTA?

86. >> UH! DELORES! HOW COULD YOU?

87. >> HONEY!

88. IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.

89. WE'RE JUST, UM...

90. WE'RE ROLE-PLAYING.

91. WOW. YOU JUST EARNED 50 EXPERIENCE POINTS.

92. >> WOW! CAN I PLAY?

93. >> NO.

94. >> OH...

95. >> OH, DEAR!

96. OUR FLEET IS BEING DESTROYED!

97. >> WILL HELP EVER ARRIVE?

98. >> HA HA HA HA.

99. DID SOMEONE CALL FOR A HERO?

100. >> OH, THANK GOODNESS!

101. ROGERS IS FINALLY HERE!

102. >> WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?

103. >> ROGERS.

104. >> MY NAME IS BUCK, BUCK ROGERS.

105. >> THEY'RE ALMOST THROUGH THE SOUTH DEFENSES.

106. ROGERS, WE NEED YOUR HELP IMMEDIATELY!

107. >> IT'S BUCK!

108. >> MY NAME IS BUCK, NOT!

109. WHAT'S WITH YOU ALIENS?

110. >> >> IT'S BUCK! DAMN! WHAT THE—

111. IT'S BUCK, BUCK, BUCK, BUCK!

112. >> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

113. I'VE BEEN SHOT! IT HURTS!

114. >> WELCOME,

115. >> IT'S BUCK!

116. >> THAT DOES IT!

117. >> WAIT! AAH!

118. >> YOU! YOU!

119. YOU! YOU!

120. >> YOU REALLY TOLD ALL THE ALIENS THAT

121. BUCK'S NAME WAS?

122. >> I WAS ATTEMPTING HUMAN COMEDY.

123. >> >> EEE!

124. >> OH! OH, MY HONEY!

125. IT STILL COUNTS, RIGHT?

126. >> DARLING!

127. IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.

128. WE WERE JUST ROLE-PLAYING.

129. >> UH, YEAH, I KNOW.

130. >> BETTY, CAN YOU BELIEVE WE'RE GOING TO PARIS

131. FOR OUR SENIOR CLASS TRIP?

132. >> OUI, VERONICA.

133. >> BUT LOOK. POOR ARCHIE MUST BE ON A SENIOR DRUG TRIP.

134. >> JEEZ, ARCHIE. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SLIP THE G.H.B.

135. IN THE GIRL'S DRINK, NOT TAKE IT YOURSELF.

136. HA HA HA. DATE RAPE.

137. >> OH, MY GOD! >> GANG, IT WAS A VISION.

138. WE HAVE TO GET OFF THIS BUS, OR WE'LL ALL DIE!

139. >> ONLY VERONICA CAN GET ME OFF.

140. HA HA! SLUT.

141. >> NOW THAT WE'RE NOT GOING TO PARIS, WE CAN ALL GO INSIDE

142. AND READ THE NOVELIZATION OF "FINAL DESTINATION"

143. BY AUTHOR DAVID McGINTY.

144. >> MISS GRUNDY!

145. >> DID I MISS THE BUS TO FRANCE?

146. >> THAT BUS WASN'T SHORT ENOUGH FOR YOU, MOOSE.

147. HA HA. DUMB-ASS.

148. >> WHY DO WE KEEP HANGING OUT WITH YOU?

149. >> >> WELL, IT WASN'T EXACTLY MY

150. VISION, BUT THEY SURE ARE DEAD.

151. >> EVEN WHEN ARCHIE HAS A VISION, HE SCREWS IT UP.

152. >> I'M WORRIED. WHAT IF YOU CAN'T AVOID THE GRIM REAPER?

153. >> WHO'S HE? HE SOUNDS DREAMY.

154. >> BLONDES ARE DUMB WHORES.

155. >> >> STEREOTYPE.

156. >> ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER SANDWICH IN THE SHOWER.

157. HEE-HOO!

158. I HATE ME.

159. HOW DO I EAT SO MUCH AND STAY THIN?

160. HERE'S MY SECRET.

161. GO DOWN THE DRAIN, WILL YOU?

162. >> IF I CATCH THE PRICK WHO KEEPS MOVING THIS APOSTROPHE,

163. I'M GONNA CUT HIM UP AND ON HIM

164. AND HIM AND MURDER HIM!

165. >> LISTEN, DEATH IS STALKING US ACCORDING TO WHERE WE WERE

166. SITTING ON THE BUS.

167. >> SUPERFLUOUS BLACK CHARACTER!

168. >> MY NAME IS CHUCK.

169. >> WHY WOULD DEATH FOLLOW MR. WETHERBY'S SEATING CHART?

170. >> I DON'T KNOW, BLONDIE.

171. WHY WOULD MARTIANS SPEND MILLIONS OF YEARS WAITING

172. TO ATTACK WHEN THEY COULD HAVE JUST BEEN LIVING HERE,

173. OR BOTHER TO FIND OUT IF SOMETHING IN THE AIR

174. WOULD MAKE THEM SICK?

175. >> YOU BETTER HAVE FINISHED YOUR HAIKUS ON DEATH

176. FOR ENGLISH CLASS TOMORROW.

177. >> OH...

178. >> LESBIAN.

179. >> COME WITH ME, ARCHIE.

180. I'M SWEET AND INNOCENT.

181. >> COME WITH ME, ARCHIE.

182. I'M RICH AND EASY.

183. >> HMM... I CHOOSE...

184. STILL DECIDING...

185. >> DUH, MISS GRUNDY, WHAT'S A HAIKU?

186. >> IT'S A KIND OF POEM.

187. >> DUH, WHAT'S DEATH?

188. >> OH, MOOSE, JUST MAKE YOURS ABOUT FOOTBALL.

189. >> DUH...

190. >> NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND.

191. I'VE BEEN TEACHING THESE SAME NITWITS FOR 40 YEARS.

192. I'VE BEEN TEACHING THESE SAME NITWITS FOR 40 YEARS.

193. MOOSE!

194. >> DUH! MISS GRUNDY?

195. >> HELP ME, MOOSE!

196. >> DUH!

197. DUH!

198. >> MOOSE, YOU STUPID MOTHER— >> UH-OH. DUH, MISS GRUNDY?

199. DUH!

200. >> POOR MOOSE. THE GAS CHAMBER.

201. >> I'M A RICH REPUBLICAN, BUT EVEN I FELT BAD WHEN

202. HE SAID, "ME TAKE NAP NOW."

203. DEATH, I WILL PAY YOU ONE MILLION DOLLARS IF YOU

204. TAKE THESE 2 ASSHOLES FIRST.

205. >> I THOUGHT I WAS IMPORTANT TO YOU.

206. >> GO TAKE BETTY ON A DATE...

207. IN HELL!

208. >> >> WHO CHARGED A MILLION DOLLARS

209. TO THE FAMILY GOLD CARD?

210. [CAPTIONED BY NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE

211. —www.ncicap.org—] YOU! YOU!

212. YOU! YOU!