Robbie 1x8

1. Well, it's official.

2. Our best player is in a shooting slump.

3. - Sorry, Dad. - No, don't apologize.

4. Happens to every great shooter. But,

5. that means the rest of y'all are gonna have to step it up.

6. For the first time in the history of our team,

7. we have a chance at a winning record.

8. So, until this season is over, every moment

9. of everyone's lives will be about basketball.

10. And nothing but basketball.

11. - Nell. - I can't go to the last game.

12. What? Why not?

13. - I'm going on a picnic. - Picnic?

14. Caleb's in a shooting slump!

15. We need to eliminate all distractions.

16. Robbie, it's me!

17. Janie!

18. Yeah, I can see you. Why are you yelling?

19. I don't wanna interrupt your practice!

20. Okay, why don't y'all go throw up some shots?

21. I have to go converse with my female friend.

22. Hey. Um...

23. I know you told me never to come here,

24. but I have to talk to you.

25. Are you pregnant? You better not be pregnant.

26. I swear to God, I will sue you.

27. Oh, no, no. It's nothing like that. Um...

28. I have a husband.

29. - What? - And he's gettin' out of prison.

30. Bullshit.

31. Janie, remember when you said you thought that we should live together,

32. and I said, "I don't really know

33. if we know each other that well."

34. - Um-hmm. - You having a secret husband

35. is the best possible example of what I was talking about.

36. Well, but he's not a real husband. He's a pen pal husband.

37. A couple of years ago, I started writing letters to prisoners

38. to practice my cursive, and he wrote back and said

39. it would help out with his parole if we got married.

40. And I didn't have nothin' else going on.

41. We are gettin' a divorce just as soon as he gets back up on his feet.

42. You're gonna love him. He's so nice.

43. You said he went to prison for killing someone.

44. Well, duh. You don't go to prison

45. for not killin' somebody.

46. But he's served his time, and he, you know, now he's...

47. - Um— - What?

48. Oh, can't think of the word. Sounds like Reba McEntire.

49. - Rehabilitated? - That's it.

50. Reba-bilitated.

51. - Oh, my God.

52. - Hold on. It's Ava. - Hi, Ava.

53. - Robbie: Hello? - Robbie, where are you?

54. I have something crazy to tell you.

55. Oh, I think if I told you where I was,

56. I might win that competition.

57. - I found a bottle of lube in Caleb's backpack.

58. Okay. Yeah. That is crazy.

59. - What's Caleb doing with lube? - Ava: I don't know!

60. I asked him and he wouldn't talk to me.

61. That's the first time that ever happened.

62. Well, he's probably just crankin' his shaft.

63. Okay, gross.

64. Do you think we need to give him the talk? He's only 11.

65. That would explain his shooting slump.

66. - Ava: What is that noise?

67. Uh, that's a marching band. I gotta go.

68. I need you to talk to Caleb—

69. Whoa. Look at that guy.

70. If a jury sends a dude that hot to prison,

71. he's a psychopath.

72. - That's him. That's Nate.

73. - That's your husband? - Mm-hmm.

74. - Robbie: Janie! - Janie: Nate!

75. At some point, you gotta stop

76. and ask yourself, "How is this my life?"

77. You think I want this?

78. Some hot, sexy murderer married to my girlfriend?

79. I need to focus on basketball. We got one game left.

80. If we win, it's a winning record. Seven and seven.

81. - That's not a winning record. - Well, it's not a losing record.

82. It's not something to brag about.

83. Why you always gotta take a big old stinky dump

84. on everything I do?

85. Robbie.

86. It's gonna be a tough win, anyways.

87. Caleb's in a shooting slump.

88. - Want me to work with him? - No.

89. Stay away from my players.

90. That reminds me. How old was I when I started masturbating?

91. Why would I know that?

92. Hey. Mind if I join you?

93. Come on. Have a seat, Nate.

94. I just can't believe I'm sitting across from

95. the greatest basketball coach of all time.

96. Well, I— - And his dad.

97. Are you talking about me?

98. Do people know me in prison?

99. No, Robbie.

100. obviously Janie told him about you in her pen pal letters.

101. She told me all about you.

102. About how you're a respected coach, an amazing father,

103. an attentive lover...

104. - Oh, come on. - You're a real inspiration to me, Robbie.

105. And now that I'm out on parole,

106. I just hope I can be half the man that you are.

107. Well, all right.

108. All right. Got another round for you gents.

109. Here you go, husband.

110. I should cut myself off.

111. I need to find a place to stay.

112. No! No, come on, dude. You can stay at our place.

113. - Really? - Really?

114. - Robbie! - What? My man here just got out of prison.

115. You can't kick him out on the street.

116. He needs me.

117. This apartment is amazing.

118. - So eclectic. Okay.

119. Now you're just using words I don't know to make me blush.

120. Are you sure this is okay, Robbie?

121. I know you've got a real important game on Saturday.

122. Actually, I was thinking that maybe you could come and talk to my team.

123. Maybe give 'em an inspirational speech.

124. You can tell 'em about how you got reba-bilitated.

125. You could also tell them some of that cool stuff you were saying about me.

126. I think it'd be fun for them to hear that.

127. - Oh, I would just love that. - Aw, I thought you two would hate each other.

128. Or you know, like, be jealous,

129. 'cause I have a husband, I have a boyfriend. Blah.

130. But I'm real glad you like each other.

131. Oh, it's just impossible not to like Robbie.

132. - Oh, shut up. Oh.

133. Oh. Or keep talking.

134. You know, this isn't prison. I'm not gonna tell you what to do.

135. - Janie: Okay, nighty-night.

136. This really means so much to me.

137. I'm a complete stranger.

138. A prisoner. A former murderer.

139. And you've invited me into your home.

140. I guess it's true what you said.

141. I'm an inspiration.

142. Oh, first night out of prison.

143. You need anything else before I turn in?

144. Want me to yell "lights out" or something like that?

145. Would you?

146. - That would be amazing. - Oh, I was just kidding.

147. But, yeah, I can do that.

148. Lights out!

149. Have a Sugar Town day.

150. You're gettin' cucked.

151. Shut up. I am not!

152. Well, there are only two options.

153. Either you're gettin' cucked,

154. or you're gettin' "Single White Female"-ed.

155. So you think Janie's husband wants to kill me

156. so he can take over my life.

157. - That's insane. - Spoken like a typical cuck.

158. You know what? I don't have to sit here and put up with this.

159. - I got a practice to go to. - This is a job, Robbie.

160. You can't just leave.

161. Well, then, I'm going home sick

162. before I barf all over the customers

163. - from listening to you talk. - Fine.

164. But in all seriousness, when this guy kills you,

165. I'm gonna make fun of you at your funeral.

166. That phone's not gonna get you out of your shooting slump.

167. Shooting's all about motion, about form. Come on.

168. Do your thing.

169. No, no. Your elbow's flaring out.

170. You wanna keep it in.

171. Think of your arm like the neck

172. of an egret or a blue heron. A graceful bird.

173. There you go. Whoo. See, here's the head. Go on.

174. Whoo. That's it.

175. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice. - Hey. What are you two doing?

176. Oh, I was helping Caleb with his shot.

177. Uh, Caleb. Go play the gun game.

178. I need to talk to your granddad.

179. Only shoot the animals.

180. Hey, did Robbie tell you what I found in Caleb's backpack?

181. Oh, no. Was it drugs?

182. No. No, I wish. That would be way less confusing.

183. It was a bottle of lube.

184. I couldn't make head or tails of that.

185. Do you remember how you talked to Robbie about sex?

186. Oh, back in the day, we didn't give sex talks.

187. That would probably explain why he and I have a son.

188. I can't believe I'm saying this.

189. I need Robbie.

190. All right, here we go. Take it in.

191. Eben,

192. in the off season, I want you to put on 50 pounds of muscle.

193. Right now I weigh 60 pounds.

194. What the hell? Nate?

195. - Robbie, hey. You got any beer? - No!

196. - Why are you wearing my suit? - I had some job interviews.

197. Janie thought some of your good luck might wear off on me.

198. Are you trying to dress like me so you can become me? Like in "Single White Female?"

199. Is that a movie? I've been in prison. I haven't seen any films.

200. You gotta see it.

201. It is so good. It's such a good movie.

202. But also, I really don't like you wearing my clothes.

203. Damn it! Everything I do is wrong!

204. Okay. Let's just calm down.

205. I'm guessing the job interviews didn't go so great.

206. As soon as I mentioned I murdered someone,

207. - "No, thank you." - Yeah.

208. If I was you, I would store murderer

209. in my file of permanent secrets, okay? How about this?

210. You go splash some cold water on your face,

211. and come back out here and tell all these kids how you wanna be just like me.

212. All right? Okay.

213. - Caleb: Hey, Dad. - Hey.

214. Sorry I'm late. Granddad was helping me with my shot.

215. I told him to stay out of it.

216. - He said my elbow was flaring out. - Oh, let me guess.

217. He said you need to be more like a graceful bird?

218. Also, Mom says you have to give me "the talk."

219. Because of the lube. Yeah, I guess we can do that real quick.

220. Why don't you come over here?

221. Caleb, you are getting older.

222. And, you know...

223. sex.

224. So, uh...

225. I'm just trying to say if you're cranking your shaft, it's not that big a deal.

226. What does that mean?

227. Well, what do you think it means?

228. Caleb, what's the lube for?

229. Me and Eben used it to make slime.

230. Eben!

231. You're supposed to be working on layups.

232. So go work on layups!

233. Good God.

234. I don't get it.

235. Why didn't you just tell your mom it was for slime?

236. I found it in her bedside table.

237. I didn't want her to know I stole it.

238. It's your mom's lube?

239. That is so good.

240. Oh, do not tell her that you told me.

241. I wanna be the one to tell her.

242. At our last practice, some of y'all didn't get

243. how important our final game is. So...

244. I asked my new friend Nate to come down here

245. and give us a little pep talk.

246. How many of you know what the felony murder rule is?

247. Well, if you rob a liquor store with your buddy,

248. and he has a gun,

249. even though you didn't know he had it,

250. if he shoots the guy at the register,

251. you're still guilty of murder.

252. Oh, my God. Nate, is that what happened to you?

253. No, that's what happened to my buddy. He went to jail for murder,

254. even though I pulled the trigger.

255. Okay, that's not a good story.

256. Why don't we, um,

257. skip to the part where you talk about me.

258. But that's why you're such an inspiration to me, Robbie.

259. Everybody used to think Robbie was an idiot

260. who would never be as good as his father.

261. That's not... no.

262. Why don't you just talk about how I...

263. I'm an amazing coach and, uh... lover.

264. But that's who you are now.

265. You used to be a big old pile of crap!

266. All right, you know what? Why don't we jump ahead to some questions?

267. How about that? Okay. All right. Eben?

268. Do you think you'll ever kill again?

269. Eben, what the hell? You can't ask that!

270. No, that's okay.

271. I don't want to.

272. Because that's not who I am anymore.

273. - Robbie: Nell. - Once your murder someone, aren't you always a murderer?

274. What? That's not— That's not a thing.

275. You can't just make that up.

276. Why are you even here? You're gonna be at a picnic.

277. No, Robbie. She's right.

278. It's like you, Robbie. Your dad retired from coaching, but...

279. everybody still calls him Coach.

280. And even though you are a coach,

281. we just call you Robbie.

282. You know what? We are not talking about me anymore.

283. So who has a question

284. for Nate that isn't about him being a murderer?

285. Who has a question about me being a murderer?

286. Well, that sucked.

287. I thought it was gonna be inspirational,

288. but it was not. At all.

289. No. Those kids are right. I'm not you.

290. I'm a murderer, and that's all I'm ever gonna be.

291. Don't say that.

292. I know I seem...

293. cool as shit, but...

294. truth this, I coach church basketball

295. 'cause I can't get a real coaching job.

296. And no one respects me. Definitely not my dad.

297. And I'm an okay lover.

298. You know, I mostly picture TV shows

299. to try to make it last longer, but...

300. the only thing I've ever changed in my whole life

301. is that I now work at a slightly better ice cream shop.

302. Because this dump was shut down for being racist.

303. I want my life to be better, but...

304. I don't know how to do it.

305. I'm stuck.

306. Janie told me you turned your life around.

307. - I didn't. - Then I don't have a chance.

308. I should never have left prison.

309. Come on. You'll be fine.

310. You are very, very good-looking.

311. And that tends to open a lot of doors.

312. I gotta go back. I can't make it out here.

313. You know what I should do?

314. This is a good idea. This will help both of us.

315. - I should kill you. - What?

316. That way they have to send me back to prison.

317. Okay. You're doin' that thing where you say somethin' crazy,

318. and then I go, "Oh! Maybe my life's

319. really not so bad after all." Ha, ha.

320. No, Robbie. Your life sucks.

321. All right, you don't gotta rub it in, murderer.

322. You tried to help me, Robbie.

323. This is how I can repay you.

324. - I gotta take a leak. - Hey, you're jokin', right?

325. Nate. Buddy!

326. You still like me. Right?

327. Oh, Beatrice was right.

328. She's gonna make fun of me at my funeral.

329. Robbie.

330. Did you sleep here last night?

331. You were right.

332. Janie's husband wants to kill me.

333. I told you you were gettin' cucked.

334. Will you shut up? This is real.

335. I always thought if anyone was gonna murder you,

336. it'd be me.

337. Yeah.

338. Me, too.

339. What are you gonna do?

340. I gotta coach my final game of basketball.

341. Well, doesn't the murderer know you'll be there?

342. Yes.

343. But I got a team to coach.

344. Look. Uh...

345. this is our last game, so...

346. if we never see each other again,

347. I just want you all to know that I taught you some stuff, but...

348. you taught me some stuff, too. Okay?

349. Now. First play.

350. Nell, I want you to cross un—

351. Wait, Nell. You're supposed to be at a picnic.

352. I told my dad I had to be here.

353. - Dad, are you okay? - I don't know.

354. Let's play some basketball.

355. One, two, three.

356. - All: Basketball.

357. Win this.

358. Defense, now. Work as a team.

359. - Get your hands up. That's all right.

360. Let's work through it, now.

361. That's okay. Hey, come here, come here, come here.

362. Your granddad was right, okay?

363. Your elbow's flaring out. But keep shooting. Keep shooting.

364. Find the open man. There she is. Hit it!

365. Yes! Okay.

366. Heads up, heads up. Take your shot.

367. Caleb, graceful birds.

368. Eben, pass it to Nell.

369. Eben, pass it to Nell.

370. Eben... Oh...

371. In your face, bitch!

372. Whoa, Eben! No trash talk. Act like you been there.

373. No pressure, bud. Let the game come to you.

374. Robbie, come home.

375. I really don't think Nate would murder someone.

376. He already did, Janie.

377. - Oh, yeah.

378. Hello, Robbie. Janie.

379. There you are. Will you please tell him

380. that you're not really gonna kill him?

381. I can't do that.

382. Okay.

383. You're a psychopath. I knew it.

384. I'm setting you free,

385. so I can get locked up.

386. That's not a good trade for me.

387. Look, what I said last night is true.

388. I don't have a lot of the stuff that I want.

389. But I just coached my own son in a winning season of basketball.

390. Seven and seven.

391. That's not a winning season.

392. I know, 'cause I'm not a winner.

393. And I may never be one. But if you kill me,

394. I don't get the chance to keep trying.

395. Whoa! I never even thought of that!

396. Can we just go back to the way things were?

397. - I can stay on your couch. - Yeah, no, I don't think that's a good idea.

398. I mean, you jumped pretty quickly

399. to the whole "I'm gonna kill you" thing.

400. I guess you weren't as reba-bilitated as we thought.

401. What am I gonna do, then?

402. They aren't just gonna let me live at prison.

403. - I gotta commit a crime.

404. Ah, Robbie!

405. No!

406. - It stings.

407. - Robbie. - Robbie.

408. - Janie: Robbie, can you hear us? - Nate: Robbie!

409. Coach's voice: You wanna succeed?

410. you gotta work harder, be better than everybody else.

411. Otherwise, you're gonna end up some Joe Nobody

412. with a dead-end job.

413. No life, and nothing to show for it.

414. Not me, Dad.

415. I'm gonna be great. Just like you. I know it.

416. I remember this.

417. Like a little version of me.

418. Am I dea?

419. Is this what happens when you die?

420. You watch your whole life all over again?

421. No, Robbie. You're not dead.

422. Am I a time traveler?

423. - Tell me right now. Am I a time traveler? - Coach: No.

424. Stop guessing.

425. This is a dream.

426. But why? W— Why am I here?

427. To find out what you really want.

428. I wanna be great. Just like you.

429. So you want the same thing you wanted when you were a little boy?

430. No wonder you're stuck.

431. But Dad, I— I still don't have it.

432. You can't climb out from my shadow

433. when you keep standing right behind me.

434. Whoa. Okay. Time out.

435. Can you learn stuff in a dream?

436. - Janie: It's okay.

437. You're all right.

438. I had a dream.

439. And you were there. And you were there.

440. Wait, no. You— You're weren't there.

441. It's just my dad.

442. And I was there. Twice.

443. I'm glad you're okay, son.

444. Am I paralyzed?

445. Am I never gonna walk again?

446. Is that why I'm in this bed?

447. Why?

448. You're fine.

449. The bullet barely grazed your side.

450. You didn't even lose that much blood.

451. - Where's Nate? - Oh. Headed back to prison.

452. The cops came as soon as the gun went off.

453. I'm a hero.

454. - Oh. No. - Oh, I don't think so.

455. - Dad. - Now don't worry. I'm okay.

456. I know. They said you just fainted.

457. Ava. You're here.

458. Come. Come closer to me.

459. I wanna tell you something.

460. And I want everyone to hear it.

461. It was your lube.

462. Uh-oh.

463. Dad. Hold up.

464. Robbie, are you walking with a cane?

465. - You got shot in the side. I know.

466. I don't get too many, uh, chances to use a cane,

467. so I decided to go for it.

468. Weren't you shot on the other side?

469. - Oh, shit. Yeah.

470. - What do you want? - Well, I need to tell you something.

471. I have spent my whole life trying to be just like you,

472. but now that I have stared death square in the face,

473. I'm not gonna do that anymore.

474. I've decided to quit coaching basketball.

475. Robbie, you just built the foundation of an actual program.

476. I never thought you'd do that.

477. This is the time when you double down.

478. Nope. Dad, this is the time when you double down.

479. This is when I quit, so I can find my own path.

480. Otherwise, I'm never gonna get out of your shadow.

481. Shadow? What shadow?

482. Robbie!

483. Basketball's been your whole life.

484. You don't know how to do anything else.

485. - What are you gonna do? - I don't know, Dad.

486. But I'm gonna be great. I know it.

487. Read a book.