Robbie 1x7

1. ♪ Happy birthday to you

2. Uh, now I know that you want to open your presents later,

3. 'cause you don't want everybody lookin' at you,

4. but, uh, I got you something pretty cool.

5. I didn't wrap it or anything, 'cause I don't really know how to do that.

6. But wait! Before you open it—

7. - Robbie, we don't need a speech. - I know. But I am.

8. This is my first birthday as Caleb's father.

9. But I don't have a lot of money right now,

10. so I'm going for free, but meaningful.

11. - We all got that? - Let the boy open the present.

12. Okay. Damn. Acting like it's your gift or something.

13. An old dirty basketball.

14. - Robbie, that's so nice! - Robbie: No!

15. It's the game ball from our very first win.

16. - I got the rest of the team to sign it. - Thanks, Dad.

17. Wow, Robbie. That's actually very thoughtful.

18. Totally free, too.

19. Break's over, Robbie. You got time to be a pop,

20. you got time to push a mop.

21. - All right.

22. Well, pretty good party. Kind of feel like I nailed it.

23. But, uh, we'll celebrate some more this weekend, all right?

24. Dad, you should just come to my other party.

25. - Caleb, no. - What other party?

26. Nothing. My sister is having a cookout.

27. Danielle?

28. I have not seen her in, well...

29. Eleven years. That sounds like fun. I'm in.

30. Oh. I don't think that's a good idea. You remember how she is.

31. Yeah. I remember she's the only person who could boss you around.

32. - She doesn't boss me around. - Oh, yeah?

33. Did she tell you to say that?

34. Okay. You know what?

35. My sister's cookout is just for family.

36. But Mom, Dad is family.

37. Oh, my God. Turns out Caleb's right.

38. I guess that settles it. Yeah. I'll be there.

39. Great.

40. - Janie. Coach. Do you...? - Yes.

41. I never say no to a cookout.

42. Okay, so, we'll all be there.

43. Together. With my sister.

44. Whoa. This place is huge!

45. Is Ava's sister rich?

46. Yeah. I think her husband works for Delta.

47. Oh, well, they love to fly and it shows.

48. - There she is. What's up, Danielle?

49. It's been a long time.

50. Looking good.

51. I'm looking good. We're both looking really good.

52. Robbie, did you not see the sign?

53. "Please do not ring doorbell. Go around back."

54. I see it.

55. So, should we come in, or?

56. The cookout's in the backyard.

57. - I don't want people walking through my house. - Robbie: Oh. Okay.

58. Robbie, did you not see the sign?

59. Ava, I didn't know that knockin' on a door involved reading.

60. Ava, take them around back.

61. I am. You don't have to tell me.

62. "I am. You don't have to tell me."

63. This is gonna be fun.

64. Oh. I told you she bosses you around.

65. - Did I not say that? She bosses her around? - Yeah.

66. Would you stop?

67. My sister has all these stupid rules for her house.

68. - So please, just do me a favor and be a good guest today? - I am!

69. - You don't have to tell me. Holy shit.

70. Why didn't you tell me they have a pool?

71. I would have brought my swim trunks!

72. Because this is a cookout. Not a pool party.

73. They only use the pool for the Fourth of July,

74. and sometimes Danielle swims laps.

75. That's insane. They don't use their doorbell,

76. and they don't use the pool?

77. If I was rich, I wouldn't use anything.

78. Danielle doesn't think the pool is pretty when people are in it.

79. It's one of her stupid rules. So stay away.

80. Also, can you try to keep your dad away from the grill?

81. My Uncle Darryl doesn't like when people hover.

82. No can do. If there's a grill around,

83. my dad's gonna be next to it. It's his nature.

84. It's primal.

85. - This is a nice setup.

86. - That the 800 series? - Um-hmm. Um-hmm.

87. - I love that swing-away rack for slow cooking. - Mmm.

88. Went with the Pro-22 Kettle myself.

89. Nah, I looked at that one, but...

90. I decided I'd rather have the extra surface area

91. than all those fancy gadgets.

92. Well, if you need any help today, I'm happy to tag in.

93. Yeah. I won't.

94. All right.

95. Caleb, honey, what is going on?

96. Why are those kids singing to you about itty-bitty babies?

97. Hey. You are not allowed to be sad at your birthday.

98. Now talk to me.

99. Aunt Danielle has a Ninja Turtle coming to my party.

100. - Well, that's cool. - Marcus says it's for babies.

101. Oh, okay, so you like Ninja Turtles,

102. but your friends made fun of you for likin' 'em,

103. so now you don't like 'em?

104. I get that.

105. That's why I stopped doing henna tattoos on my face.

106. I don't want him to come. It's gonna be embarrassing.

107. Oh, my God. You're right. You cannot be seen with that turtle.

108. It'll ruin you.

109. I know what I have to do.

110. This is my first real challenge as a parent.

111. I swear to you,

112. that Ninja Turtle will not show his shell at your party.

113. - Really? - This is why you have two mothers.

114. Now which one is it so I know who I'm looking for?

115. - Donatello. - That's the party dude.

116. No, that's Michelangelo.

117. Oh, so this guy's cool, but rude?

118. No, that's Raphael.

119. So he's the one who leads?

120. No, that's Leonardo. Donatello does machines.

121. Ugh. I hate that turtle! He is the worst.

122. Come on, now.

123. You got a pool this nice and no one's even using it?

124. This is wrong. This is absolutely wrong.

125. God. Has anyone even checked the temperature?

126. Am I late to the game on the temperature?

127. If it's cold, it's cold, all right? I'll back off.

128. But if it's perfect, which it is,

129. we should be in this pool right now!

130. Am I the only one who wants to jump in?

131. Tell me you don't wanna get in this pool right now.

132. Sun's beating down. You got on long sleeves, dude.

133. Ava's gonna be pissed.

134. Yeah, sure. But you know what?

135. Screw that, because that's not who I am!

136. I'm not doing this. I'm not a sidelines guy.

137. Rules were made to be broken.

138. If a rule is uncool, it's not a rule.

139. Cool rules are rules. Those are the ones that are rules, all right?

140. Back up if y'all don't wanna get wet. Yeah.

141. - Here it is! Yeah!

142. Ho. Yeah.

143. - Oh. - Man: Hey.

144. You must be Robbie. I'm Danielle's husband, Karl.

145. Oh, right, yeah. Nice to meet you, Karl. Can I tell you something?

146. I love your pool. Insane. So nice.

147. Hey. Why don't we get you out of there before Danielle sees you?

148. What? You really think she'll be that mad?

149. Oh, I know she will. 'Cause this is a cookout, not a pool party.

150. And it's not the Fourth of July.

151. All right. Give me a hand?

152. Now, if I give you my hand, are you gonna do that thing

153. where you try to pull me in with you?

154. - All right, Karl. You got me. - Nah.

155. - I was gonna do that. You're smart. - Oh.

156. All right. I'm gettin' out.

157. Ava, did you put honeydew in the fruit salad?

158. Why, yes I did, Danielle.

159. Let me guess. There's something wrong with that?

160. Honeydew is a melon, and it doesn't belong in fruit salad.

161. Honeydew makes you look poor.

162. Unless it's in a wedge.

163. Who would think you're poor? Everyone here knows you.

164. Also, you have a pool. That means you're rich.

165. That's why we have honeydew.

166. So we can slice it into wedges

167. and people can enjoy it by the pool.

168. Can I cut you into wedges?

169. Uh-oh. Look at us.

170. All inside the house.

171. Why are you half naked?

172. Robbie, did you get in the pool?

173. I told you this was a cookout.

174. They only use the pool for the Fourth of July.

175. And sometimes, I swim laps.

176. Yeah. No, no, I know.

177. It's so crazy, what happened.

178. I just bent down to check the temperature of the water,

179. and just like a dumb idiot, I fell in.

180. He's lying, baby. He didn't fall in. He jumped in.

181. I'm sorry, Robbie. I don't lie to my wife. I love my wife.

182. I love my house. I love my life.

183. But you wouldn't know anything about that. Would you, Robbie?

184. 'Cause you clearly do whatever you want

185. with no regard at all for anyone else.

186. Ooh, Danielle, I had my shorts on.

187. It's not like I jumped in the pool

188. with my dick flapping around.

189. Robbie! Go get changed. Danielle, leave him alone.

190. I'm gonna get this stupid melon out of this stupid salad.

191. - Can I get some of those chips? - Both: No!

192. Hi.

193. Hello, turtle.

194. Ha ha! Yeah, me, too!

195. May I ask what your intentions are for that gorgeous salmon fillet?

196. Does this answer your question?

197. Cedar plank. Yes, sir, it does.

198. You go spice rub or marinade?

199. - Marinade. - Not store bought?

200. Come on. If it's touching my meat,

201. it ain't coming from no damn store.

202. You sure you don't want to...

203. go mingle?

204. Nah. I like to be where the action is.

205. You got a favorite airline?

206. Karl, I've never been on a plane.

207. Oh. Well, when you finally do, consider Delta.

208. Now I'm not gonna list all the awards, but last year,

209. we won an Air Cargo Excellence Gold award,

210. and a Stevie Award for sales and customer service.

211. Cool. Yeah, I'll have to check that out.

212. Oh, you can get changed right in there.

213. - Okay. Thanks, Karl. - All right.

214. - Robbie: Danielle's pretty pissed at me, huh?

215. Ah, I think she just feels more hurt.

216. She never thought you'd do what you did.

217. I don't think it's that big a deal.

218. I mean, I know there's rules or whatever,

219. but come on.

220. It's not really about rules, it's about

221. right and wrong, you know.

222. But, hey, all that matters is you came back.

223. From where? Under the water?

224. - What? - We're talking about me jumping in the pool, right?

225. No. Talking about when you walked out on Ava

226. when she had Caleb.

227. - What?

228. I didn't do that.

229. I didn't even know Caleb existed until a few months ago.

230. Is that why Danielle's being mean?

231. Y'all think I walked out on my own kid.

232. But that's what Ava told us.

233. Well, why didn't you ask me, Karl?

234. Robbie, I just met you today.

235. Right. Yes. No, that makes a lot of sense.

236. But why did Ava say that?

237. What happened to this cake?

238. That's supposed to be a Ninja Turtle.

239. Looks like a big old blob of crap to me.

240. Now I know that your mom said no presents,

241. but I had to get you something.

242. An Xbox? That you, Aunt Danielle. I love it.

243. - Danielle: Of course! I'm glad you like it. - Ava: Can you believe that?

244. That's not an aunt gift. That's a mom gift.

245. I already got him one of those.

246. - I was saving it for Christmas. - Yeah.

247. I know how you like to hold onto stuff,

248. and hope that nobody finds out about it.

249. Kind of like how you told your family that I abandoned you and Caleb.

250. Oh, shit. Okay. Not here. Come with me.

251. Excuse me. Are you Donatello?

252. - Yeah. - Then take your machines

253. and get the hell out of here!

254. - What? - No one wants you here, turtle. Go!

255. I...

256. I'm gettin' paid to be here.

257. You are not gettin' into this party.

258. I'm no ninja. But I will bite you.

259. - Could I just talk to Danielle? - What do you not get?

260. Caleb doesn't want you here.

261. - Caleb. Uh, that's the birthday boy. - You shut your mouth.

262. I can't leave. I'll get fired.

263. Fine. Come with me.

264. But if anyone asks,

265. you are here to use the bathroom, and your name is Shrek.

266. I can't believe you lied about me for 11 years.

267. That's why you didn't want me to come to this party, isn't it?

268. Here I am thinking it's 'cause of me and my personality.

269. When I told Danielle that you left me,

270. I didn't think I'd ever see you again. And I knew she'd be like,

271. "Blah, blah, blah, you should tell Robbie.

272. Blah, blah, blah. He deserves to know."

273. Okay, well, I'll tell you what,

274. I agree with those "blah, blah, blahs"

275. Danielle would have been talking about.

276. - Please don't tell her. - I have to.

277. I need her to like me. As a person, I need that.

278. - You don't ever have to see her again. - What about next year?

279. At Caleb's 12th birthday? Or Fourth of July

280. when I definitely want to come back for that pool party.

281. Robbie, if you tell her, there's gonna be a huge fight,

282. and that is all Caleb will remember from his birthday.

283. - Hey, guys. - Hey, Karl.

284. Look, if this is about Delta, I do want to hear it.

285. It's just that this is not a great time.

286. I told Danielle what you told me about Ava lying to us.

287. What? Karl, why?

288. I don't lie to my wife. I love my wife.

289. I love my house. I love my life.

290. Ahem.

291. Danielle. Hey.

292. We were just talking about the Xbox.

293. - And how it was such a generous gift. - Robbie: No.

294. Karl busted you.

295. You know, I don't know what happened 11 years ago,

296. but somebody is lying.

297. And it's either you,

298. you, or Karl. And I know it was not Karl,

299. - because Karl doesn't lie to me. - Love you, baby.

300. I love you, too. So, who is it?

301. Look.

302. I know that we all have regrets.

303. I mean, Lord knows, I've made mistakes.

304. Robbie, you don't have to do this.

305. Danielle, I lied to you.

306. Yeah, no, that's exactly what I was gonna say.

307. I was just building up to it.

308. Yeah, no, Ava lied. She's a liar.

309. I'm a good guy.

310. I don't know what y'all was so worried about.

311. She didn't yell or anything.

312. She's just in there cutting up tomatoes.

313. - Oh, she's mad. - She's furious.

314. I mean, I guess she is cuttin' 'em kinda small.

315. Y'all think she's making salsa?

316. Ava, you gotta talk to her.

317. The last time y'all two didn't talk,

318. she put her thumb through the TV remote.

319. I missed the "Project Runway" finale.

320. I love "Project Runway."

321. Well, this is your fault. Why did you tell her?

322. I don't lie to my wife. I love my wife.

323. - I love my house. I love my life— - Yeah, we know.

324. You love your wife. You love your wife.

325. - Blah, blah, blah. - Robbie: You know what?

326. I don't think it's salsa,

327. 'cause now she's cutting up a grapefruit.

328. Guess it could be grapefruit salsa, but...

329. is that really the vibe of the party?

330. I'll talk to her.

331. You all right, there, Darryl?

332. - You're doing a little rain dance. - Yeah. Yeah.

333. That last cerveza went right through me.

334. - I gotta go make some water.

335. Do you mind keeping her on course till I get back?

336. I think I can make sure she doesn't run aground.

337. Whoa. Uh-oh.

338. - All right.

339. If you're lookin', she ain't cookin'.

340. Okay, your Ninja Turtle came,

341. and I tried to scare him away, but he wouldn't leave, so,

342. I figured out something even better.

343. - Turtle!

344. - Hi. - Ta-da!

345. I hid the turtle man in the bathroom,

346. so now you can play with him

347. and your cousins will never know.

348. - Oh.

349. Happy birthday, Caleb.

350. Oh.

351. Okay. I'll just leave you two alone.

352. No, it's against company policy for me to be alone with a child.

353. Yeah, I don't think that's a good idea.

354. Tsk. Really?

355. Okay, um,

356. Donatello, you just stay right here and do not move.

357. I need to talk to my son.

358. Could I just go? I mean,

359. you don't even have to pay me.

360. Oh, no.

361. You could have left before we ever came inside.

362. But you made your choice, didn't ya?

363. Now stay here!

364. Hey. I don't understand. I thought this is what you wanted.

365. Kind of. I just don't want to be alone

366. in a bedroom with a man pretending to be a turtle.

367. You really are growing up.

368. Okay. Go play.

369. Hmm.

370. Okay, turtle.

371. Turtle?

372. Turtle.

373. Dang. He really is a ninja.

374. Hey.

375. I lied to you 11 years ago

376. because I already decided that I would take care of Caleb on my own.

377. I knew Robbie wasn't ready to be a dad.

378. I knew you would say that I should tell him.

379. Mm. You knew that. Hmm. That's weird.

380. I just was dealing with so much,

381. and I didn't wanna deal with your opinion of me.

382. What opinion? I don't have an opinion.

383. - Yes, you do. - Oh.

384. Well, I guess since you know me better than I know myself,

385. why don't you tell me what my opinion is?

386. You think I'm a screw-up, and you're perfect.

387. Oh, you know what? I'm sorry, Ava,

388. if my nice life and my beautiful house

389. with my great husband makes you feel bad,

390. but that is not my fault.

391. Your nice life is stupid.

392. Excuse me?

393. How violent do we think this is gonna get?

394. Hard to tell. Could be some slappin'.

395. I never had any siblings growing up,

396. so I've never been in a fight like this.

397. I got a brother.

398. But we mostly just talk about Marvel movies.

399. Oh, yeah.

400. - Did you see that last one? - Oh, hell, yeah.

401. - I'm excited for the next one, too. - Oh.

402. Hell, yeah. Me, too.

403. Hey, we have a pretty exciting assortment of Marvel films

404. in our Delta Studio In-Flight Entertainment System.

405. Karl, do you love Delta more than you love your wife,

406. and your house, and your life?

407. Hey, I'm gonna get another burger.

408. "Melon is for poor people."

409. "I don't want people in my house for my house party."

410. "No one can be in my stupid pool."

411. You have a pool! Why do you have it if no one can get in it?

412. We do use it, on the Fourth of July,

413. and sometimes I swim laps.

414. Oh. Darryl!

415. Coach.

416. I got a little overconfident with an unfamiliar spatula.

417. I seem to have dropped one of your hamburgers

418. - on the ground. - I see.

419. And are you planning to put that dirty burger

420. back on my grill?

421. Be a shame to let good meat go to waste.

422. Hell, yeah, it would.

423. Yeah.

424. Grill men keep their secrets.

425. Grill men keep their secrets.

426. What the hell?

427. There's a leprechaun on the roof.

428. Looks like some sort of alien.

429. - There's a Ninja Turtle on the roof!

430. Sorry. I came out here, 'cause some crazy lady

431. locked me in a bedroom, and...

432. Now I'm stuck.

433. That was me. I did that.

434. Get the hell off my roof.

435. Somebody shut the window behind me.

436. I don't know how to get down.

437. Hey! You gotta get off my beautiful roof, man.

438. We just had that roof redone.

439. Get off the roof.

440. What?

441. - Ava: Oh, my God.

442. - Cool! - Kids: Yeah!

443. No! No! No!

444. Did you really trap my Ninja Turtle on the roof?

445. That's what moms do.

446. Hey, Danielle!

447. Here's a rule for you.

448. This is a mom gift.

449. - Robbie, no! - Robbie: Yeah!

450. That was an expensive gift, stupid.

451. What the hell is wrong with you?

452. What are you yelling at me for? You're supposed to be mad at her.

453. - Well, now we're mad at you. - We are sisters, okay?

454. Don't tell us who to be mad at.

455. Dad, you owe me a new Xbox.

456. Don't worry, bud. Your mom already got you one.

457. She's gonna give it to you at Christmas.

458. - Don't tell him that. - I mean, she obviously

459. wanted that to be a surprise, dummy.

460. - Well, I don't know. - Danielle: You and the Ninja Turtle

461. - get out of my pool. And them kids. - Robbie: No.

462. I'm gonna hang out with my crew.

463. - Hang out with my crew. - Danielle: Get out.

464. Now I thought you only swam on the Fourth of July.

465. Well, this isn't the pool. This is the hot tub.

466. - And I love my hot tub. - Love me, too, right?

467. Now that you know that I didn't walk out on Ava and Caleb? Huh?

468. - You like me again? - No.

469. - Like me. - No.

470. Come on. Just like me a little bit.

471. - No. No. - Like me.

472. - Like me, like me, like me, like me. - No.

473. - Just like me. - No!

474. Hey!

475. Peek-a-boo!

476. - What are you doing? - Come on, come down from there!

477. - Anything a turtle can do, I can do.

478. No!

479. - Tap dance. - All: No! Stop!

480. - She came with you, right? - Yeah.

481. - Get her off my roof. - Yes, ma'am.

482. - Janie: Should I do a flip or a cannonball? - Janie, no.

483. You gotta come down off the roof.

484. Robbie, take my picture.

485. Get down from the roof.

486. Read a book.