Robbie 1x6

1. Here we go. All right, look for Caleb.

2. Look at Caleb! Pass it to Caleb!

3. We have one play: just pass it to Caleb.

4. Thank you!

5. Yes! All right, time-out!

6. Come on, come on! Here we go!

7. Holy crap!

8. I cannot believe how close this game is!

9. We should be gettin' blown out right now. We're gonna lose by one!

10. You said there was no such thing as a moral victory.

11. Dude, that was before the game, Caleb.

12. The game has changed us.

13. I mean, look at that team over there.

14. They're sponsored by friggin' McQuaid Lumber!

15. We don't even have matching pinnies.

16. All right, let's get our hands in here. All right. Hey, heads up.

17. Y'all are almost winners! That's a big deal!

18. - One, two, three...

19. - All: Basketball! - Here we go.

20. God, look at those uniforms.

21. Matching shorts. Did y'all pay extra for those shorts?

22. - Girl: I don't know. - All right.

23. Okay, let's lose like winners now.

24. Here we go.

25. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

26. Holy shit!

27. - Boom!

28. We won a game! We won a game!

29. Y'all lift me up, come on.

30. Y'all lift me up. Here, you get my leg.

31. You know what? We're good, we're good.

32. We won a game!

33. I wanna say something to all y'all,

34. and I really mean this.

35. I truly never thought that this would ever happen.

36. I mean, come on. These kids?

37. - You only won one game. - You know what, Karen?

38. If you can't loosen up and enjoy a good speech,

39. y'all can just pay for those ice creams.

40. Beatrice, charge these people.

41. You told me that when you came in.

42. Nuh-uh! It's Karen's fault.

43. They have programming classes, they have their own 3D printer.

44. - A STEM lab. - Y'all talkin' about robots?

45. No, Robbie, we're never talking about robots.

46. I'm starting to tour middle schools for Caleb.

47. Oh. Should I tag along to something like that?

48. You know, I could take a look at the athletic facilities,

49. meet the coach, see if his job is safe.

50. Or hers, right, Ava?

51. Why are you pointing at me?

52. Woman.

53. Hey, Dad, now that we won a game,

54. can we get real uniforms?

55. The other team called me Pinny Boy 'cause we only have pinnies.

56. Pinny Boy? I don't even know what that means.

57. - Do you know what that means? - Stop pointing at me.

58. Who cares what you look like? You're winners.

59. But you're not winners unless you look like winners.

60. Do you even hear your son right now?

61. - You're being a bad mom, Ava. - Robbie!

62. That other team is right. Caleb does look ridiculous.

63. And I'm gonna do something about it.

64. Caleb, I swear to you as your father and your coach,

65. you will never be called Pinny Boy again.

66. Robbie, the church doesn't have money for uniforms.

67. You have to! I made an oath!

68. You've got money for everything else.

69. You mean for our soup kitchen?

70. - Yep. - Our food pantry?

71. Our community pancake breakfasts?

72. Exactly! You're just out there buying a bunch of food!

73. Robbie, food is nourishment for the spirit.

74. Now could you pass me that basket of rice?

75. We're gonna throw it at people.

76. What the hell's going on in here anyway?

77. We're gettin' ready for a wedding.

78. You know Phil Finfrock?

79. The weatherman from Channel Five?

80. The weatherman from Channel Five!

81. His son, Peter Finfrock, he's gettin' married.

82. This wedding is gonna put us on the map.

83. You've got a winning team on your hands here, Dan,

84. and all you care about is some stupid wedding?

85. You don't need fancy uniforms.

86. Well, maybe Peter Finfrock doesn't need a fancy ceremony.

87. He can just go down to the courthouse

88. and get a marriage license.

89. Robbie, I am a man of peace.

90. But if you mess up this wedding, I will break your body in half.

91. You got a real dark side, Dan.

92. Well, I'm sorry, the mayor,

93. I don't want the key to the city.

94. I just want those orphans to have a chance.

95. All right, well, you sort it out.

96. Bye. Gah— does not listen.

97. Sugar, you got a second to chat?

98. You're not supposed to be on your phone while you're workin'.

99. Okay. Got it.

100. When I say "sports," what do you think of?

101. Colin Kaepernick, expensive parking—

102. I was actually trying to steer you towards "ice cream" right there.

103. What does ice cream have to do with sports?

104. That's a great question.

105. And the answer is nothing.

106. Until now.

107. Did you rehearse this?

108. Not as much as I should have, but hear me out.

109. When I'm not in here giving you 100%,

110. I'm out there in the community giving them what's left.

111. That's zero percent.

112. All right, I am a church basketball coach,

113. and, uh, my team needs new uniforms.

114. And so you want money from me.

115. I knew that you would get it.

116. God, thank you!

117. - Robbie— - Yeah?

118. I'm not just gonna give you money.

119. Okay.

120. But we are trying to put down roots in the community.

121. How big are your crowds?

122. Uh, well, I'll tell you what,

123. Trevor's dad's starting to put on a few pounds.

124. - How many people? 100?

125. No. Oh. No. No. Uh-huh.

126. - 200? - Two.

127. - Yeah. Yeah, closer to two. - Great!

128. When's your next game? I'd love to check it out.

129. Uh, when you say "check it out,"

130. do you need the 200 people to be there?

131. - Robbie, are you wasting my time? - No.

132. I was just thinkin' to myself,

133. I was like, oh, I don't wanna to piss her off

134. and have 300 people show up.

135. Like, wow!

136. More would be great!

137. Yeah.

138. But it will be closer to two.

139. Dad, how to I get 200 people to come to a basketball game?

140. I don't know, Robbie.

141. We didn't start getting big crowds

142. until after we won our first championship.

143. I don't have time for that. I need people this Saturday.

144. If you want a big crowd, why don't you just do a big ol' halftime show?

145. You know, get Aerosmith or Counting Crows.

146. One of those classic bands that everybody loves.

147. Janie, I can't get Aerosmith.

148. And I don't want Counting Crows.

149. Oh! You should get Piano Chicken.

150. I love Piano Chicken!

151. What the hell is a Piano Chicken?

152. It's a chicken that plays piano.

153. - It's on YouTube. - It's my cousin's chicken.

154. Ah, if people knew that Piano Chicken was playing at your game,

155. that gym would be packed.

156. Robbie, don't hire some stunt chicken.

157. Just win.

158. The rest will take care of itself.

159. - Ava: Hey, Caleb. - Robbie: Ava!

160. Caleb needs you to bring 200 people to our game on Saturday.

161. And if you don't do it, you're a bad mom.

162. Stop saying that.

163. Also, I won't be there on Saturday.

164. Because like a good mom, I'm gonna be at that middle school tour.

165. Oh, what school are you looking at?

166. This old private school. Pinecroft Academy?

167. I know Pinecroft!

168. The lady who runs it, Helen Burke,

169. - we went to school together. - Who cares?

170. Then you should come with,

171. so you can put in a good word for Caleb.

172. Ah, she probably wouldn't remember me.

173. I haven't seen her for years.

174. Good! 'Cause I need you both at the game. I need 200 people.

175. - That's everyone I know plus 195 people. - Janie: Robbie! Robbie!

176. I just talked to my cousin, and Piano Chicken is available.

177. Helen Burke. "Perky Burkey."

178. Yeah, I remember her.

179. I'd like to see her again.

180. Then bring her to my game!

181. Ava, I'm in. I'm comin' with you.

182. - Great!

183. Okay, I see how it is.

184. I'll tell you what, you miss this game,

185. you might miss Aerosmith.

186. Can you actually get Aerosmith?

187. No way! I can get you a locksmith.

188. Then get me that chicken.

189. Janie, you're sure this chicken can play the piano?

190. Oh, yeah. My cousin said just put her down in front of a keyboard

191. and she just goes to town.

192. So, we are wagering the future of my team

193. - on a chicken wearing a fancy bib. - Janie: Yeah!

194. My cousin already told everyone the show's happening

195. on Piano Chicken's Facebook page.

196. Hey, I'm sorry to interrupt, but is that Piano Chicken?

197. It sure is!

198. - You recognize this chicken? - Man: Yeah.

199. My wife and I, we like to get high and watch her play

200. Sara Bareilles covers on YouTube.

201. - Can I get a selfie? - Mm-hmm.

202. No. No, you cannot.

203. Excuse me, everybody! Hush up, hush up.

204. Who here recognizes this chicken?

205. Holy shit. Okay, well—

206. Uh, I just wanted to let y'all know that today at 2 PM

207. Piano Chicken is gonna be performing the halftime show

208. at the Our Lady of Worship church gym.

209. Admission is free, and we're gonna give away Sugar Town.

210. So, spread the word.

211. Robbie, get that dirty bird out of here

212. before it poops on my floor.

213. Will you settle down? Did Sugar talk to you?

214. She sure did.

215. She's making me hand out ice cream at your game.

216. And you know how I feel about organized religion.

217. Beatrice, I am a man of peace,

218. - but I swear to God, if you— - What? What are you going to do?

219. I'm gonna spit on your car door handles.

220. So, when you go to get in your car,

221. your hands will touch my spit.

222. You already do that.

223. Do you think this school used to be somebody's house?

224. I'm getting plantation vibes.

225. You know what? I think maybe I'll just wait in the car.

226. What are you talking about?

227. I already told Helen you're coming,

228. and she's really excited to see you.

229. - Yeah? - Hold on.

230. Are you nervous to see Helen?

231. A little. - Why?

232. Is it like a long-lost love thing?

233. No! Nothing like that.

234. - No! No!

235. No, we, uh— we kissed once.

236. - You kissed? Oh, my God! - Okay, okay.

237. - Did you two date? - One dance! We went to one dance.

238. Must have been a really good dance,

239. y'all making out all night.

240. Buffalo Bobby! As I live and breathe!

241. Buffalo Bobby? This is gonna be very fun.

242. I cannot believe that I'm lookin' at you after all these years!

243. Well, you look... beautiful as always.

244. Oh, stop it.

245. - And you must be Ava. - Uh-huh.

246. May I just reiterate how excited we are

247. that you're considering our humble institution for your son.

248. - And your grandson! Yeah.

249. Buffalo Bobby a grandfather— I can't believe it!

250. Now, don't you leave without saying goodbye.

251. That old white lady went for it!

252. Robbie, what in the heck are all of these people doing here?

253. You wouldn't give me money for uniforms,

254. so I had to hire a chicken that plays the piano.

255. The Finfrock wedding is tonight!

256. I can't have the parking lot all jammed!

257. Relax. We're gonna be outta here way before then, okay?

258. Look, why don't you chill out? Have some ice cream.

259. Christ Cream?

260. Too blasphemous for you, Father?

261. Borderline.

262. But I do love a good pun.

263. Oh, no, she wants you to be mad.

264. She hates the church.

265. I cut ties when they wouldn't let me

266. get married to my third husband.

267. And I swore my revenge.

268. I understand.

269. The church has failed a lot of people.

270. But we are working to move past that legacy.

271. And if you ever want to talk, my door is open.

272. Stop meeting my anger with love!

273. Holy Water?

274. Now that is funny!

275. Oh, here we go.

276. Hey! All right! You made it!

277. Kind of a smaller crowd than usual, to be honest, but—

278. I'm impressed.

279. - Well, thank you. - Robbie—

280. Why are all of these people in the gym?

281. Well, that's because we're having a church basketball game

282. like we always do, Karen.

283. Go sit down, right now.

284. Such a goof. She just had Lasik,

285. so she's just like, "What's the world?"

286. This could be good. Let's talk on Monday.

287. Okay. You're already gettin' out of here?

288. I have an ice cream empire to run.

289. I don't have time to watch a bunch of children play basketball.

290. Okay.

291. - All right.

292. Tour Guide: Originally built in 1835 by local cotton broker Henry DuBois...

293. You know, I really think you're misreading things.

294. She kissed you on the mouth, Buffalo Bobby.

295. We gotta talk about that nickname, by the way.

296. In my younger days, I had a spicier lifestyle.

297. Seems like she likes the spice.

298. Helen is obviously into you.

299. I don't know.

300. Coach, when was the last time you...

301. I'm being nosy, but—

302. When was the last time you... got your swerve on?

303. - Are you talking about sex? - Yes.

304. I haven't done too much swerving since Louise died.

305. You gotta get back out there!

306. Look, here's what we're gonna do—

307. I'll be your wingman, and you're gonna ask Helen out to dinner.

308. No. No.

309. Yes! She wants you to.

310. I've never been more sure about anything in my life.

311. She's putting it out there, and you have to pick it up.

312. Oh, boy!

313. And if you look to your left, you'll see our arts complex.

314. Fun fact: that's where the servants' quarters once stood.

315. Servant? Oh, I know what that's code for.

316. - Find him at the top! Caleb, yeah!

317. Caleb, put it up!

318. - Robbie: Yeah!

319. All right, here we go. Come on, hustle up now, hustle up.

320. This is fun, huh? You guys feel like winners yet?

321. It's so loud. Is it gonna be like this every game?

322. Yeah. You better believe it!

323. And I got us a sponsor.

324. You guys are gonna get actual jerseys.

325. Put cool nicknames on the back like "He Hate Me."

326. Y'all remember "He Hate Me"?

327. Were y'all alive for "He Hate Me"?

328. My nickname's gonna be Eben!

329. That's not a nickname, Eben. That's your actual name.

330. - My real name's Ebenezer. - Ewww.

331. Okay, all nicknames have to be approved by me. All right?

332. Now let's get back out there and finish this thing!

333. Let's win it! One, two, three...

334. - Team: Basketball! - Robbie: Here we go!

335. - Destroy them!

336. God! Karen!

337. - What the hell is wrong with you? - I don't feel very well.

338. Then go get some Holy Water.

339. That is all I have been drinking.

340. I don't know if I can do this.

341. I haven't asked anyone out in 45 years.

342. Nothing's changed.

343. I mean, you might have to start sexting.

344. What? What's that?

345. It's like, um—

346. Oh! Welcome back! How was the tour?

347. It's a beautiful school.

348. Just to confirm, this was a plantation, right?

349. Yes, it was.

350. But we're working hard to move past that legacy.

351. Which is why we would love to have Caleb here.

352. He would double our diverse enrollment.

353. Double! Wow! Fun!

354. - Helen: You know what I just remembered? - Coach: Uh...

355. That dance we went to in high school.

356. - You remember that? - Oh, yeah!

357. I mean, yes.

358. Such fond memories.

359. Now, promise me you won't be a stranger, hmm?

360. - I was wondering— - And Ava!

361. I hope this means that we're friends now, too.

362. You have my e-mail address.

363. My husband and I would love to have you over for dinner sometime.

364. Okay, so, that's just a thing she does with everybody.

365. Ava, she's putting it out there! You need to pick it up!

366. Let's get outta here.

367. Caleb is not going to this school.

368. Crowd Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken!

369. Damn, these people are dialed up!

370. Whoa!

371. Beatrice, what is in the Holy Water?

372. Chaos.

373. After Father Dan tried to pull me back in the fold,

374. I spiked the punch with grain alcohol.

375. Made it so sweet they couldn't taste the sin.

376. Beatrice, no!

377. Robbie, I think all this chantin'

378. is making Piano Chicken nervous.

379. Janie, these people are drunk as hell!

380. If that chicken doesn't play the piano,

381. they're gonna rip this place apart!

382. Get it out there!

383. Come on, chicken.

384. Just play that piano.

385. Boo!

386. - And now the real show begins.

387. Janie, go get the chicken. Go get the chicken!

388. Hey, hey, everybody! Hey, hey!

389. Settle down, settle down!

390. Our chicken friend here has a little bit of stage fright,

391. and, uh, I know that you came to see a show.

392. So, how about we all watch the second half

393. of a children's church league basketball game?

394. Destroy him!

395. - Robbie: Ow!

396. Stop it!

397. Somebody catch that chicken!

398. Hey, I hope all this weirdness with Helen

399. didn't ruin the school for you.

400. Oh! No, it was, uh, very casual mentions of slavery.

401. Thanks for coming with me.

402. I don't think we've spent this much time together.

403. - Without Robbie. - That's true.

404. It was nice to get a little break from all the insanity.

405. - I know!

406. Chicken emergency! Chicken emergency!

407. There's a chicken loose in the church!

408. All hands on deck! Let's go!

409. We've got one hour before people start arriving

410. for the Finfrock wedding, okay?

411. So, we gotta grab Piano Chicken and get the hell out of here

412. before Father Dan finds out and loses his shit.

413. Robbie, what happened to just winning games

414. and letting the crowds take care of themselves?

415. We don't have time for lessons right now, Dad!

416. And also, the other team forfeited

417. 'cause they were afraid of our drunk-ass crowd.

418. So, technically, we did win.

419. It would've been fun to play the second half.

420. Caleb, this is your fault!

421. You didn't wanna be called Pinny Boy!

422. - Robbie! - Ava—

423. Do you remember "He Hate Me"?

424. - What? - Never mind. We gotta catch that chicken.

425. So we find ourselves in the belly of the beast.

426. All right, how much Holy Water did you drink?

427. This coulda been my wedding!

428. Okay, everybody fan out and check each one of the pews.

429. Uh-oh! Piano Chicken got into the send-off rice!

430. Birds can't eat rice! They'll explode!

431. And Caleb, if they explode, they die.

432. Don't tell him that! That's not true.

433. No, she's right.

434. The rice expands in their stomach.

435. We gotta find that chicken and get it to throw up. Now!

436. Go! Wreck this place if you have to!

437. We don't need to wreck it. Just look under the pews.

438. It's a chicken. It shouldn't be too hard to find.

439. Is that the chicken?

440. See, Robbie? I told you she could play!

441. I take back what I said, Robbie.

442. That stunt chicken's pretty good!

443. Go! Go, go, go, go, go!

444. Got her. I think she likes me.

445. Yeah. Here, let me take her.

446. Robbie! What in the heck?

447. Hey, Father Dan! How are y'all doin'?

448. - What are you doing here? - Janie: Oh, my God!

449. You do the weather on my TV!

450. Hi. Phil Finfrock. Channel Five News.

451. - Mr. Finfrock, I'm so sorry these people

452. are here with a chicken.

453. Is that Piano Chicken?

454. Oh, you bet your ass!

455. We met last year judging Atlanta's Got Talent at the state fair.

456. Can I get a selfie?

457. No, you cannot. This chicken just ate

458. a butt-load of your son's wedding rice.

459. If we don't get him to throw up right now—

460. He'll explode.

461. Yes! See, Ava? News man says I'm right.

462. - He's a weather man. - Robbie: Come on, Caleb.

463. We gotta save this chicken!

464. - Robbie: Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

465. Meteorologist.

466. Sorry.

467. - Thank you. - Robbie: Hey, Sugar.

468. You missed a pretty good basketball game on Saturday.

469. Really? Who won?

470. You know what? I think Sugar Town did.

471. Yeah.

472. Now, let's talk about those jerseys.

473. I'd rather talk about Piano Chicken.

474. The musical bird on the internet?

475. - I don't know too much about her. - Really?

476. 'Cause last night, after a very long day of work,

477. I got a little high, made myself a little snack like I do,

478. and I snuggled up to my laptop

479. to watch a few Piano Chicken videos.

480. And I saw this.

481. Robbie children's church league basketball game!

482. Karen Destroy him!

483. - You know, what happened was— - No.

484. Right now you have two options: you can not work here

485. or you can keep working here and pay back the $500

486. in free ice cream samples we gave away

487. at your sham of a basketball game.

488. Oh! What is that vibratin' in my—

489. Don't fake a phone call.

490. It's not! It's the mayor.

491. And I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

492. I'm gonna do that second option you were talkin' about.

493. The pay you back but continue to stay employed here option.

494. If that's cool— Let me get that. Sorry.

495. Mayor, hello.

496. What? No, I can't be the mayor!

497. I work at Sugar Town!

498. You know who should be the mayor?

499. Sugar Stevens.

500. Read a book.