Robbie 1x4

1. Nope. Nope, that's two hands.

2. That's a double-dribble. That'd be a turnover, Eben.

3. - We don't want a turnover, do we? - No, Coach Robbie.

4. No. So let's just use the one hand,

5. and not use the two hands, okay?

6. All right. That's two hands.

7. Just for like a second, use, like, one hand.

8. Okay, you know what? How about you go take, uh...

9. take some laps till the end of practice.

10. - But it just started. - Yeah, I know.

11. Okay, Coach.

12. Little dud's got heart. I'll give him that.

13. Robbie, did you just call my son a "dud"?

14. Oh, no, no. I think he meant to say "dude."

15. No, no. I meant "dud."

16. No, he's a good kid, but...

17. He'll never be good at basketball.

18. Part of me resents that.

19. It is your job

20. to help him get better.

21. Do I need to go and have a chat with Father Dan again?

22. "Do I need to go have a chat with Father Dan again?"

23. Coach Robbie, look!

24. - I'm pregnant. - Robbie: See?

25. That's your kid. You made that.

26. Gimme the ball, Eben. Gimme the ball.

27. Give birth to the ball.

28. Well, normally I wear Dockers.

29. But my wife bought me these brand new jeans.

30. They look good, Tom. Do they come in men's sizes?

31. My God, you got me there.

32. - And they are a little tight.

33. Ava, you are hilarious.

34. You're like Ellen. You're like black Ellen.

35. - Yes. Yes! - You could just say Ellen.

36. Uh-oh. Who are we all laughing at?

37. Somebody say the word "diarrhea"?

38. - Ew. - Well, check this out.

39. This is a good joke. Y'all will like this.

40. Uh, there's a banana.

41. And it has a huge dick.

42. Robbie, you are at a church.

43. Yeah, we're outside, Karen. God doesn't come out here.

44. Okay, I'm leaving.

45. - I will see you guys over there. - Ava: Bye, Karen.

46. It's not a real dick, Karen.

47. It's a banana dick, so it's fine for church.

48. Robbie, stop screaming about dicks. There's kids around.

49. I'm talking about banana dicks.

50. I'm not talking about dick dicks.

51. Stop saying "dicks."

52. What was Karen talking about?

53. - Y'all going someplace? - Yeah.

54. I started getting the parents to hang out after practice.

55. - We're going to Pop Pop's. - Ava,

56. do not be friends with the parents on my team.

57. Oh, here we go. Why not?

58. Uh, 'cause they're lame. I mean, come on. Karen?

59. - I hate Karen. - They're nice people.

60. Plus, they think I'm hilarious.

61. I haven't felt this popular since I got that

62. Missy Elliott puffy jacket in high school.

63. My God. Do you hear yourself? That's sad.

64. - You're being sad right now. - Robbie,

65. I'm a single mom, and I have my own business.

66. I don't have a lot of time to make friends.

67. Yeah, they're a little lame.

68. - Thank you. - But everyone's a little lame.

69. - You should come out with us. - Hell, no.

70. - I wouldn't be caught dead with those people. - Okay. Come on, Caleb.

71. Besides, I got stuff to do, anyways.

72. Important stuff. Coach stuff.

73. I'm slammed. I am slammed.

74. Let's be bad.

75. Smooth 98.5 is my dream vacation station. What caller am I?

76. Damn it.

77. Smooth 98.5 is my dream vacation station. What caller am I?

78. - Damn it! - Hey, girl.

79. Robbie, I can't talk right now.

80. I'm trying to win us a trip to Myrtle Beach.

81. The armpit of the South? No, thank you.

82. Well, I think armpits are the sexist part of the body.

83. As you know.

84. Yeah, I don't know if I'm really up for that again.

85. But, hey, listen. I, uh, happen to have a rare night free.

86. I'm not as busy as I thought I would be, so,

87. what do you say you take off early and we go hang out

88. - in the parking lot? - I can't, Robbie.

89. Smooth 98.5 is my dream vacation station. What caller am I?

90. Damn it! I'm slammed! Just... ugh.

91. Well, what am I supposed to do?

92. Then I get this letter in the mail,

93. saying they're gonna recall my airbags.

94. Well, maybe they should recall how to make cars.

95. - Boom! Then I showed up.

96. - Ah, Robbie. - Oh, this feels right.

97. The coaches. What are y'all talking about?

98. Uh, Scrap was just telling us how his airbags got recalled.

99. Boring! No. Let's talk about somethin' real.

100. So, get this. Last week, we're playing Carter Methodist.

101. Now, we're down one.

102. There's three seconds left. They've got the ball.

103. - What the hell am I supposed to do? - All: Foul.

104. Yeah, no, that's what we did.

105. So Scrap, how long are they gonna keep your car in the shop

106. - to put those new airbags in? - Well, see, that's the issue.

107. - I called the garage— - Oh, my God.

108. Is this really what y'all talk about?

109. - Robbie, you don't have to be here. - Yeah, I know.

110. But Ava's out, hanging out with the parents of my team,

111. and I don't like them.

112. So I wanted to come over here

113. and hang out with my fellow coaches,

114. But I'll tell you what,

115. you might be more lame than they are.

116. Good God.

117. Robbie,

118. you know, the parent-coach relationship is very important.

119. What are you talking about?

120. Well, let's say one of the parents on your team

121. - has a problem with you. - Karen.

122. Okay, so all the parents get together without you being there,

123. Karen starts talking, and pretty soon,

124. the rest of the parents have a problem with you, too.

125. You could lose the whole team.

126. - Shit. - Coach: Mm-hmm.

127. - Ha, ha, ha.

128. You know, people have died from an errant airbag.

129. Anybody want to take some pizza home? I can't eat all this.

130. You'd better not. You're gonna bust out of those tight pants.

131. - Boy!

132. Oh, I better get back to my Dockers,

133. or y'all are gonna start calling me "Tight Pants Tom."

134. Boom! And then I showed up.

135. Robbie, what are you doing here?

136. - I thought you were slammed. - I know.

137. But I didn't know my favorite team parents hang out here.

138. There's Tom. Amy K, put it right there.

139. There you go. Amy W. Uh-oh.

140. Gerald, watch out.

141. Y'all talking about how much you love me being the coach?

142. Hey, I got an idea.

143. Y'all wanna do another round of beers?

144. Actually, we were, uh, just packing up.

145. Oh. Gotta get out of here?

146. Where you gotta get to? The pants store? Watch out.

147. - Oh!

148. Oh, my God.

149. You are obsessed with genitals.

150. What? No, I'm not. It's a joke, Karen.

151. Tom gets it.

152. I'm gonna go home now. Goodnight, everyone.

153. Well, okay, y'all ain't gotta

154. rush outta here so quick.

155. - Wow. That got weird. - Why'd you punch Nell's dad in the balls?

156. - Don't say balls. - I didn't hit him. I tapped him.

157. I'm just trying to make friends with him.

158. That's not how you make friends. You're not in seventh grade.

159. - You're not in seventh grade. - You're not in seventh grade.

160. You know what? I was wrong.

161. Maybe you shouldn't hang out with the parents.

162. Well, I have to. I need a good parent-coach relationship.

163. Then don't hit them in the balls.

164. How come you get to say it?

165. Robbie, when was the last time you actually made a new friend?

166. Duh. Caleb.

167. - Caleb's your son. - Um-hmm.

168. Man's closest friend. His son.

169. All right, we have two large pizzas. Two pitchers of soda.

170. And a jumbo wings, extra mild.

171. - Wow. - Whoa. Dad, is this all for you?

172. No, Caleb. Your dad bought a bunch of food,

173. - thinking it would make people like him. - No.

174. Every now and then, I like to close out the night

175. with a Michael Phelps-style meal.

176. But obviously, I'm not gonna hog all this,

177. so Caleb, if you wanna dive in, let's do this.

178. Sorry, Robbie. It's a school night.

179. And your closest friend has to go to bed.

180. - Come on. - Bye, Dad.

181. I shouldn't have had that second hot dog.

182. I don't get it.

183. Ava hasn't even known these people that long,

184. and yet everybody acts like, "Oh, Ava!

185. "You're so funny. We love you.

186. You're our best friend."

187. Meanwhile, I swoop in,

188. with a classic ball tap,

189. and everybody acts like I strangled a puppy.

190. Doesn't make any sense.

191. Janie, how do you make friends?

192. Smooth 98.5 is my dream vacation station. What caller am I?

193. Damn it.

194. This is what you do. You put it in a garbage bag,

195. you bury it in the woods, and then we never talk about it again.

196. What? What are you talkin' about?

197. - The puppy you killed. - I didn't kill a puppy.

198. You said you strangled a puppy to death.

199. I know you think I don't listen to you

200. when you're talking, but I do.

201. Janie, you think I'm just sittin' here chattin' away,

202. - and I've killed a dog? - I got you, baby.

203. I'm just trying to get the stupid parents on my team to like me.

204. Oh! Don't you worry your pretty little armpit about that.

205. - Oh, God, here we— Ow. - I want that pretty armpit.

206. I told you no! I'm not gonna give you my armpit.

207. - That was one time, and one time only. - I want that arm.

208. Mm-hmm. We'll see about that.

209. Look, if you want people to like you,

210. all you gotta do is find out what kinda stuff they like,

211. and then pretend you like it, too. That's what I do.

212. People love to talk about themselves.

213. - And that really works? - Mm-hmm.

214. Huh.

215. Today, we are gonna work on an aspect of the game

216. that we don't talk about very much.

217. The parent-coach relationship.

218. So we're go around the circle,

219. and you guys are gonna tell me stuff your parents like to talk about.

220. So I can pretend to like that stuff, too. Okay?

221. We're also gonna make this a passing drill.

222. All right, here we go.

223. - Eben.

224. I wish you were a different religion. Okay, here we go.

225. Eben.

226. My mom likes swing dancing.

227. Swing dancing? That's insane, dude.

228. That literally makes me think your mom is insane.

229. Pass it back.

230. Here we go. Nell.

231. My dad has been reading the biographies of every US president.

232. Every president. I'm trying to save the team, guys.

233. You're making it very hard to like your parents.

234. Next.

235. Ashley.

236. - I don't really know my dad that well. - Robbie: Nuh-uh.

237. - Don't make it sad. - Ashley: No.

238. I mean, I know him, but he doesn't talk to me

239. about stuff he likes, 'cause I'm a kid.

240. Well, then, what does he talk to your mom about?

241. Oh. The airbags in our car getting recalled.

242. Oh, my God. They're talking about that, too?

243. My parents also talk about that.

244. Yeah. Mine, too. It's gonna be such a hassle.

245. I have made a decision. Avocados? Not for me.

246. He's coming. He's coming.

247. Hey, new friends. There it is.

248. Say, here's what I was thinking.

249. I know we usually go to Pop Pop's,

250. but what if we go over to my place tonight?

251. I throw on some hot dogs, and...

252. we can finally chat about this airbag recall.

253. You know, none of us are going out tonight. We're all just going home.

254. Oh. Yeah. Okay, sure.

255. You know, I'll put those hot dogs right back in the freezer.

256. That's the good thing about hot dogs is they never go bad.

257. Look at us out here. Chattin' about hot dogs.

258. Okay. Bye, Ava.

259. Okay, we'll see you over there.

260. I mean, I'll... see you at the next practice.

261. 'Cause we're all going home now.

262. Shit.

263. He is definitely the weak link.

264. Uh, what the hell was that all about?

265. We're going to Pop Pop's without you.

266. They don't want you to come.

267. What? No!

268. I just learned all this boring shit I can talk to them about.

269. Robbie, they are very upset.

270. Karen thinks what you did to Tom was borderline sexual assault.

271. - No. - And you may need to go to sensitivity training.

272. Okay, well it sounds like Karen's takin' yoga classes,

273. - because that is a stretch. - Okay. These are my friends.

274. And I don't want to go back to spending my nights alone on my couch

275. drinking chardonnay, watching YouTube videos

276. of soldiers reuniting with their dogs.

277. So let's just put everything back where it was.

278. You be the coach. We'll be the parents.

279. Okay, I get it.

280. I see what's going on. My dad was right.

281. This whole time, I thought it was Karen,

282. but it's you trying to turn the parents against me.

283. - What are you talking about? - These people loved me.

284. Until they started hangin' out with you.

285. No, they didn't.

286. And then you punched Tom in the balls,

287. and made everything worse.

288. No, I don't think that was it.

289. Robbie, you want them to like you?

290. Stop being mean to Karen,

291. apologize to Tom, and learn Harold's name.

292. - Who the hell is Harold? - The one you keep calling "Gerald."

293. Big Gerry? Ger-bear.

294. You're telling me that dude's name is Harold?

295. Pfft. His nickname should be Hank. That's his fault.

296. You know, this is a waste of time.

297. Well, I got an idea.

298. What if you tell them they have to like me?

299. Oh. Okay.

300. - Yeah. I'll do that. - Really?

301. No! What is wrong with you? That's not how anything works.

302. - I told you what you have to do. - Yeah, I know.

303. I just don't wanna do that.

304. Ava.

305. Eh.

306. That was my first time being part of a secret plan.

307. - I liked it. - I'm so sorry I blew it. I'm bad at lying.

308. Let's just talk about anything but Robbie.

309. - Hey. - Oh, my God. Why?

310. Nope, nope. Don't worry. I know.

311. Ava already told me that I'm not welcome here.

312. But I think that's because y'all only know me as a hard-ass coach.

313. Who pushes everyone to be their best.

314. If you're gonna apologize, just do it.

315. No, I'm not.

316. I've decided to quit. That's right.

317. I'm gonna be stepping down as coach,

318. and I'm gonna come right down to your level.

319. So I can get to know you guys as fellow parents.

320. - Well, who's gonna be our coach? - That's a good question.

321. - I think Ava should do it. - What?

322. - I love that idea. - Shut it, Karen.

323. Robbie, we need to talk. Right now.

324. Sure thing. But I do think now that Ava's the coach,

325. she should apologize to Karen for being mean,

326. and to Tom for making fun of his stupid-ass pants.

327. Am I right, y'all?

328. - Ow! - What the hell is wrong with you?

329. After our little conversation, I realized that

330. as long as these people like you more than me,

331. well, then, I'm never really gonna have control.

332. - All I told you to do was apologize. - I know.

333. And if I say I'm sorry just 'cause you told me to do it,

334. well, then, I'm not really in charge now, am I?

335. This is stupid.

336. Is it stupid, or is it very, very smart?

337. I'm not really quitting, Ava. I'm fake quitting.

338. I mean, one practice with you in charge,

339. these people are gonna be beggin' me to come back.

340. And then, I win.

341. - Win what?

342. Hey, Harold.

343. You ever thought about going by Hank?

344. That's easy.

345. What is happening? Is my life a musical?

346. - I took your advice.

347. And I turned it into my own, better advice.

348. RIP, puppy.

349. What? No.

350. I'm learning about all the, uh,

351. boring stuff that other people care about.

352. So I can use it against Ava.

353. - I'm so proud of you. - Thank you.

354. But Robbie, I have something that I need to talk to you about.

355. And I'm scared you're gonna get mad.

356. Did you eat some of my hot dogs?

357. Yeah, but that's not it.

358. Do you remember that trip I was trying to win for us to Myrtle Beach?

359. - Yeah. What about it? - Well, I didn't win.

360. It's okay. I literally don't care. At all.

361. But we won't get to go to Myrtle Beach together.

362. That's great. I don't wanna go to Myrtle Beach.

363. Robbie! - Oh, God.

364. I was doing that for us.

365. You don't ever think about anybody but yourself.

366. And guess what? That's why you don't have any friends!

367. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. What do you want me to do?

368. The armpit thing.

369. I don't wanna do the armpit thing.

370. I want it.

371. All right, look, we'll do it.

372. But if I use my safe word, you have to honor that.

373. Not like last time.

374. This feels good, huh?

375. A bunch of friends, hanging out without Ava.

376. King of reminds me of hanging out with my, uh...

377. my swing dancing buddies.

378. You like swing dancing? That's crazy.

379. I don't like it. I love it.

380. Are you kidding me? All those dips,

381. and, you know, the other terms.

382. - Okay. - Well, I'll tell you what.

383. Permission to touch.

384. - Granted. - All right. Here we go.

385. Five, six, seven, eight. There you go. Get out of here.

386. Come right back. There she is.

387. - Thank you. - Oh, my God.

388. - You are a natural. - Yeah, see?

389. There's a lot of cool stuff y'all don't know about me.

390. But true friendship is a plant

391. of slow growth.

392. - That's George Washington. - That's right, Tom. President.

393. A lot of people don't know this, but he was the first president.

394. - Hello, Robbie. - Dad. What are you doing here?

395. Mom asked Granddad to coach the team.

396. - She did what now? - You don't mind, do you, son?

397. I know you asked me to be the coach,

398. but I just thought it'd be more fun for everyone

399. if I asked your father to help out today.

400. He is a legend, after all.

401. Okay. I see what you're doing.

402. But, uh, I don't think myself

403. and the other parents would want my dad to be—

404. Oh, my God! Our kids are gonna be coached by Coach Walton!

405. - Sir, it is an honor. - Ah.

406. No!

407. Ladies and gentlemen, we will begin

408. by learning how to tie our shoes.

409. First, you make sure you pull up

410. each sock as high as it can go.

411. During a game, a wrinkle can feel like a rock.

412. - Wow. Sock lessons. - Coach: ... nice and high.

413. I know the old man's retired,

414. but he might be gettin' a little senile.

415. - I think he's brilliant.

416. - Coach: Yours up high? Good. - I can't believe you would use my own dad against me.

417. That is bullshit.

418. Uh, you quit.

419. Uh, no, I fake quit.

420. And you were supposed to be the coach and be terrible.

421. Yeah, and I didn't want to do that, so I changed the game.

422. Don't hate the player, hate the game.

423. I do. I do hate the game.

424. And also, I hate the player for changing the game.

425. And also, does anyone even still say that?

426. Always lace up your shoes evenly, from the bottom up.

427. You don't want those shoes coming untied

428. in the last few seconds of a close game.

429. I learned all that from my basketball coach

430. at UCLA back in '61.

431. The legendary John Wooden.

432. It's like a history lesson.

433. I mean, I'm loving every second of this.

434. All right. That's over.

435. That was fun. Watch out, Karen. Excuse me, Tom.

436. Put everything back where it was.

437. What? What are you doing?

438. I'm un-quitting.

439. Or, you know, whatever the word is for that.

440. You know, I just wanted you guys to get to know me

441. as someone more than a coach.

442. And I feel like I did that

443. when we were talking about swing dancing.

444. So, I'm back to coaching.

445. No, I like this better.

446. I want, I want it to stay like this.

447. Coach Walton, if I may,

448. will you coach our team permanently?

449. What? No! It's my team. I'm the coach.

450. - Actually, I am. - That's right.

451. Ava's the coach. You made Ava the coach, so Ava gets to decide.

452. - Okay, Karen, you gotta settle down. - Yeah, Karen. Shut up.

453. Robbie, I will happily give you your job back.

454. - Ava, no! - If...

455. you apologize to Tom for hitting him in the balls.

456. Tom, I'm sorry.

457. Okay, let's play basketball.

458. I'm surprised you let me go that long.

459. You know, this is your fault anyways.

460. Telling me that Ava and the parents

461. are trying to take my team away from me.

462. I never said that.

463. I said the parent-coach relationship was important.

464. The rest of it was all you.

465. Oh, okay. So you were playin' me because you think I'm dumb.

466. You want me to tell you the truth, don't you.

467. - Eben: Coach Robbie, look!

468. Eben, there you go. One hand!

469. - Robbie: Nice job! - It's because of the socks.

470. What? No! I taught you that!

471. You guys were here. You saw it. Socks can't do that.

472. What is he? The coach, or the drama teacher?

473. I'm glad you were just pretending to be coach

474. to get Dad back, 'cause your practice was really boring.

475. There he is. That's my son.

476. Caleb, failing to prepare is preparing to fail.

477. - John Wooden said that. - You talk about that guy a lot.

478. Yeah. Get used to it.

479. He's been quoting that guy to me my whole life.

480. "Make each day your masterpiece."

481. Enough. Jesus!

482. No, John Wooden.

483. - Robbie: Okay.

484. Look, I just wanna thank you all for...

485. helping me show the other parents on my team

486. how much they really need me.

487. 'Cause the truth is,

488. I don't really wanna be friends with Karen and Tom.

489. I know. None of this needed to happen.

490. Yeah, because you guys are my real friends.

491. I'm not your friend.

492. I'm your lover for life. Watch out.

493. Ow! Gosh!

494. Oh, classic ball tap!

495. You two really are perfect for each other.

496. - Don't laugh. It's not funny.

497. - It's pretty funny. - I think it's very funny.

498. Should I do it again?

499. - No! No! - Caleb: Yeah, yeah!

500. - Get back in the game. - Oh, is that John Wooden?

501. Robert Walton Senior.

502. - Oh, God.

503. That's you.

504. Read a book!