Robbie 1x3

1. We're here today 'cause Coach has announced his retirement.

2. But I'm proud to announce that our basketball court

3. will hereby be named

4. - the Robert Walton Court.

5. That is such an honor, Principal Bailey. Thank you.

6. Now hit the showers!

7. I respect this program so much.

8. And I rest easy knowing that the coach I chose

9. to take over for me

10. is the best damn coach anyone could ask for.

11. Miss Rooney Switt.

12. Do it. Do it now, now. - Why is she a woman?

13. Excuse me?

14. Just talk like a human being.

15. Why is she a woman?

16. I'm sorry. I don't understand,

17. uh, what you're asking there, Beatrice.

18. Sit down and never talk ever again.

19. I think what Beatrice is trying to say, and...

20. I, in no way, agree with her,

21. but I think what she's saying is,

22. how can a woman coach a men's basketball team?

23. Robbie, sit down.

24. I'm not sayin' it! It's Beatrice.

25. Men should coach men. Women should coach women.

26. - Yeah. - Coach: Can I just point out

27. - that our girls' team is coached by a man.

28. - That's different!

29. Calm down. All right, everybody. Just calm down.

30. I'd just like to, uh, make it clear that I, uh,

31. I-I didn't start this. That was— That was Beatrice.

32. - Man: Boo! - Boo!

33. Right now, we are in phase 2 of my plan.

34. The whole town freaks out

35. that their precious Carter Cougars are gonna get ruined.

36. Then the new coach quits,

37. and then phase 3.

38. - Guess who slides in and takes over? - Granddad.

39. No. He's retired. I'm talkin' about me, dude.

40. Hey, Robbie.

41. Kiddo, pack up your stuff.

42. Mama dinged a door in the parking lot

43. and I wanna get out of here before they see it.

44. Dad's gonna be the new high school basketball coach.

45. I thought they already hired somebody.

46. They did. But she's a woman. So...

47. Robbie, what did you do?

48. Uh, I think you mean what did society do.

49. It's not my fault that some people still think

50. women can't have certain jobs.

51. And, honestly, I think they have a point.

52. I mean, how can a woman coach go into a boys' locker room

53. to deliver a halftime speech?

54. People don't get naked during halftime.

55. What are you? Some kind of halftime specialist?

56. - No, Robbie. I'm a mom,

57. who doesn't want her son's father teaching him that

58. a woman can't do something just because she's a woman.

59. Well, a woman can't pee standing up.

60. - True. - Yes, we can.

61. - Oh. - Hey.

62. You're a father. And a coach.

63. You're supposed to be a role model.

64. Leave that woman alone.

65. Come on, Caleb.

66. That car I dinged is pulling out, so we're good to go.

67. Hey, Robbie. Phase 2 is complete.

68. I just drove by the lady coach's place,

69. and there is a moving truck right in front of her house.

70. She's leaving already? Damn. That was quick.

71. Guess I should probably go over there.

72. Ah, you gonna kick her in the butt on the way outta town?

73. No, Beatrice. When you win,

74. you shake hands with your opponent.

75. I almost feel bad for her.

76. She didn't know what she was up against.

77. We make a pretty good team.

78. Uh, no, we don't.

79. Why is she a woman?

80. You remember that? You're lucky I took that improv class at the Y.

81. We were almost sunk.

82. Oh, I want that thrill again.

83. The crowd booin' in my ears.

84. Oh, I made a list of things that we can make people hate.

85. The library, the zoo, magic.

86. Magic? Why would anyone hate magic?

87. The dishonesty.

88. If my son had interrupted my retirement ceremony like that,

89. I would have put him across my knee and spanked him.

90. Ah, he's still mad at me for not hiring him to replace me.

91. - Here you go, Coach. - Ah.

92. Oh, wait. I'm sorry.

93. Am I not supposed to call you Coach anymore?

94. Coach is fine.

95. No, it's not, because you're not a coach.

96. You are retired.

97. Oh, God. That's so weird.

98. You were a coach for so long.

99. Like that was like your whole identity.

100. But now, that's all over, and I don't know what you are.

101. Plus, they put your name on that court.

102. It's almost like you died.

103. - Huh. Janie! - What are you gonna do

104. with the whole rest of your life?

105. I'm pretty excited to be a granddad.

106. Do some bowling. Try to relax.

107. Barf. That is so sad.

108. - It seems okay to me. - No, it's not!

109. When men don't have a purpose, they wither up and they die.

110. Their brains turn into puddin'

111. and all the muscles fall off their bones. That's a fact.

112. I'm still alive. I'm just retired.

113. Yeah, I've heard that one before.

114. My Uncle Delray? He's my favorite uncle. He's so funny.

115. He spent 15 years buildin' his dream house.

116. And on the very night that he finished it,

117. he dropped dead.

118. - Really? - Oh, yeah. Uh-huh. We were sad.

119. - So, isn't there anything else that you wanna do?

120. I'll think of something. - Well, on the bright side,

121. I bet your funeral will be real huge.

122. Okay.

123. Rooney!

124. Robbie Walton Junior.

125. Yeah. Careful with that, gentlemen.

126. - That's precious cargo. - Hey, let me get that.

127. You don't want these guys droppin' it.

128. Oh, it is heavy. What do you got in here?

129. All the championship trophies I've won.

130. Well, it must be quite a few.

131. It is. What are you doing here, Robbie?

132. Uh, well, you know, I just wanted to come down and, uh,

133. you know, kinda chat.

134. I felt bad about what happened the other night.

135. - Hmm. - You know, and I kinda got caught in the middle.

136. Speaking for the whole town, when...

137. you know, really, I'm on your side in this whole thing.

138. So I wanted to come and help you move.

139. Wrong way.

140. What's that?

141. Wrong way. I'm movin' in.

142. But everybody hates you.

143. This isn't my first rodeo, Robbie.

144. I've been working in male-dominated fields all my life.

145. I was in the military, I played football,

146. I even sang first tenor in a barbershop quartet.

147. My God. That's really good.

148. Got any trophies in here for singing?

149. Yeah.

150. Good.

151. All right. Well, uh, yeah,

152. I guess I kinda thought that you'd be...

153. gettin' out of town and never comin' back.

154. - Nope. - Good. Good. I'm glad you're staying.

155. You know, we're having a PTA meeting to talk about all this stuff.

156. Why don't you come on down?

157. You tell 'em what you just told me,

158. and then we can all move on.

159. Oh, definitely. That sounds real cool.

160. - What-what time is that happening? - Mm-hmm.

161. - Four. - No.

162. No, not four. Not four.

163. Because I can't do f— Oh, God!

164. - Any other time I could be there. - Mm-hmm.

165. But four. I gotta be at Kreamy King. I start work at four.

166. It's actually at three.

167. - Uh-huh. Good. - Yeah.

168. 'Cause I can— I can be there if it's at three.

169. - Great. - All right.

170. I like that. I like what you did there.

171. You said four, and you knew it was three.

172. Doing a little... verbal magic trick.

173. All right, I'll see ya tomorrow. Don't be late.

174. I'm just gonna put this box down.

175. - It's killing my arms now. - Bring it inside!

176. Yes, ma'am.

177. You got a problem, old man?

178. Whole town hates your new coach, and she won't leave.

179. So what are you gonna do about it?

180. I'm not doing anything.

181. Rooney doesn't need my help.

182. She's tougher than both of us. That's why I picked her.

183. She won't leave town, Dad! So here's what's gonna happen.

184. You're gonna go to that PTA meeting tomorrow at four o'clock,

185. and you're gonna tell her she has to quit.

186. I'm not doing that.

187. Gotcha.

188. Because that meeting is actually at three.

189. - So now you gotta go. - I don't care what time it is.

190. I'm not going.

191. Why?

192. Are you still upset because Beatrice ruined your retirement ceremony?

193. I don't care about ceremonies.

194. And this is your mess. I got better stuff to do.

195. I used to write songs back in the day. This is one of them.

196. - Really. - I'm not saying I was good.

197. I gave it up when I started coaching.

198. Now, 40 years later,

199. my name's on a court.

200. Rooney is trampling your legacy.

201. Oh, come on.

202. You really think she can't coach

203. just 'cause she's a woman?

204. No! I know that she can coach.

205. I hate-watched a lot of her old games on YouTube,

206. and I hate-learned a thing or two. She's...

207. a very good coach.

208. But as long as she has that job,

209. then I don't.

210. So you're just being an asshole.

211. No. Dad.

212. An asshole is a 70-year-old dude tryin' to play the guitar.

213. Don't get nasty.

214. You know what? Good.

215. I'll just be on my own again.

216. Headed down another lonely road.

217. Ooh, ooh! That's not bad!

218. I like that!

219. You can't do that. Those are my lyrics.

220. - You don't own those. - You're a thief...

221. who steals from his son!

222. Today's meeting was supposed to be about

223. the school's infestation of brown recluse spiders.

224. They're getting less and less reclusive every day.

225. But we're gonna table that, so that we can discuss

226. this unfortunate coaching controversy.

227. Coach Switt.

228. Ahem. Thank you, Principal Bailey.

229. Let me start off by saying

230. I've been teed up more than a few times in my life.

231. Why is she a woman?

232. Y'all remember that?

233. Somebody said that the other night.

234. And why is she a woman? I don't know.

235. Why am I a man? I don't know that either. We may never know.

236. But I do know that men...

237. women...

238. basketball.

239. That is where we all come together.

240. All right. So profound. Thank you, Robbie.

241. Hold on. I got a whole thing. So...

242. I think if we can all agree,

243. that men, women, basketball,

244. then why don't we settle this whole damn thing out on the court?

245. I challenge Coach Switt to play me one-on-one.

246. You want to play her in a basketball game

247. to decide if she keeps her job?

248. Yeah. That's right.

249. - I can't allow that. - No, I'll do it.

250. If that's what it takes to put this whole thing behind us.

251. I'll play the damn game.

252. Well all right.

253. Looks like we got ourselves a battle of the sexes!

254. - And if she loses,

255. she leaves town forever.

256. And if I win, I'm the new head coach!

257. Or, you know, we do a whole standard interview process,

258. but my name is in the mix.

259. Yeah.

260. All right. Got a pretty cool

261. little treat for you guys today.

262. You're actually gonna watch me practice,

263. and I'm gonna play one-on-one against a woman.

264. And today, that woman is Ashley.

265. - So... - Robbie!

266. Oh, hey, Ava. We're actually havin' a closed practice.

267. All right, you got one of my fliers.

268. Men. Women. Basketball? What the hell is wrong with you?

269. You can't say hell in here! This is a church gym.

270. You gotta say, "What in the good heavens is wrong with you."

271. These kids look up to you.

272. Our son looks up to you. What are you teaching them?

273. Uh, never give up? Pretty cool lesson. Right?

274. - All right. Let's go. You and me.

275. You want to teach these kids a lesson? Let's teach them.

276. I'm not gonna play you one-on-one.

277. You're not even a basketball player!

278. You know I played varsity all four years in high school.

279. Where do you think Caleb gets it from?

280. Okay. Well...

281. Shouldn't have done that,

282. 'cause now I'm about to show you where he gets it from.

283. Go ahead and shoot.

284. I'll give you that all day.

285. Foul.

286. No, foul.

287. No. No-aah!

288. Shoe's untied.

289. Foul!

290. Travel.

291. Foul!

292. No! Doesn't count.

293. Double-dribble. Foul! Foul!

294. No, doesn't count!

295. - Five-nothing, Mom. - Robbie: You wanna quit?

296. 'Cause I'm about to start my comeback.

297. Once I go beast mode, there's no coming back from that,

298. - is there? - Okay, okay.

299. - Robbie: Oh! Oh, yeah!

300. It is on now.

301. There it is. Splash!

302. Raindrops!

303. - Caleb: 10 to 1. Mom wins.

304. - And that's the real lesson.

305. Men say they're better.

306. Women prove it. Which I just did.

307. But we shouldn't have to prove it. And that's the point.

308. Love you, Caleb. I'll be waitin' in the car for you.

309. I love you, too, Caleb.

310. Oh. Hey, Mr. Walton.

311. Or, uh, Robert Se— Senior. Or... bleh.

312. My mouth doesn't wanna call you anything but Coach.

313. Ah, Coach is fine. You inspired me, Janie.

314. Oh, no. I'm sorry.

315. No, I'm looking for my next thing. My purpose.

316. I might become a vegan.

317. What does that mean? You can't eat bacon anymore?

318. That means I can't eat anything with a face.

319. Oh. So you can eat bacon.

320. There are so many new, exciting things out there.

321. I'm gonna be an explorer.

322. That is just like my Aunt Stacy.

323. She was married to my Uncle Delray.

324. After she killed him, she tried so many new things.

325. I mean, she colored her hair, she moved out of the country—

326. Janie, your aunt killed your uncle?

327. Oh, yeah. She shot him right in the head.

328. But you told me he dropped dead

329. when he finished his dream house.

330. Well, he did.

331. You don't live through somethin' like that.

332. Come on, Coach.

333. No.

334. you go shut your— Whoa!

335. Hello, Robbie.

336. Are you gonna kill me?

337. Is this how I die?

338. What even happens when you die?

339. Just drive.

340. It didn't have to be this way, Robbie.

341. But you couldn't leave it alone.

342. And now you're in so far over your head,

343. you don't know which way's up.

344. I— I'm so sorry. I don't mean to interrupt.

345. It's just, there's a two-way intersection

346. - coming up, up here. - Mm-hmm.

347. And I, I didn't know, do you have a preference?

348. - On whether I go— - You choose.

349. Okay. Well, I'm gonna go...

350. to the right.

351. I'm sorry. You were sayin'?

352. Everywhere I go, there's some dumb idiot

353. who thinks he's smarter than me, just 'cause he's got a shaft

354. and two balls hanging between his legs.

355. Are you talking about genitals?

356. Yes, Robbie! I'm talking about genitals.

357. You know, we have a term for guys like you in Afghanistan.

358. What-what was the term?

359. - Dead. - You know what?

360. I'm gonna pull over to the side of the road.

361. I think that'll be a lot safer.

362. So what is this? Huh?

363. You want me to call off the game 'cause you don't wanna play?

364. No, Robbie. You don't get it. We're already playing.

365. I've been ten steps ahead of you this entire time.

366. I asked you to come to that PTA meeting.

367. I let you take over.

368. I said yes to playing your stupid game.

369. And now,

370. when I wipe your ass across that floor

371. in front of the whole town, ho ho ho,

372. I'm gonna be an instant legend.

373. And you're gonna be just the same old jerk you were before.

374. Yes. Okay? Is that what you want? You're right.

375. All right? You might beat me.

376. It might be bad. Okay?

377. But all I've ever wanted to do in my life is coach that team.

378. It's all I've ever cared about.

379. So if there's any chance

380. that I could get to do that, then I have to try.

381. I'm sorry, but I just have to.

382. Wow, Robbie.

383. I almost respect that.

384. But I'm still gonna cave your goddamn dick in.

385. Cave my dick in?

386. - That's right. - What the hell does that even mean?

387. - I don't know. You figure it out. - You know— Well, no.

388. I don't wanna figure it out.

389. And I don't want you to tell me, either, okay?

390. So why don't you get outta my car.

391. You're so smart? Have fun walkin' home.

392. - I won't have to.

393. Oh, why would you—

394. I'll see you tomorrow, idiot.

395. But she let me choose.

396. Oh, Jesus Christ.

397. She's a goddamn Terminator.

398. Stop looking at me.

399. Dad. Hey.

400. Oh, thank you, God. Okay, look.

401. Rooney is gonna cave my dick in.

402. You've got to tell me everything you know about basketball.

403. All right? You've gotta coach me.

404. I'm sorry, Robbie. I'm not a coach anymore.

405. - I can't help you. - What? Yes, you are.

406. What else could you possibly be?

407. I'm an explorer.

408. - No.

409. Have fun out there.

410. She's gonna absolutely destroy you.

411. Okay. You are not a good dad.

412. Oh, how do I get out of this?

413. Ava!

414. Ava, Ava, Ava, Ava.

415. Here's what we're gonna do.

416. You pull your car up near the bathrooms.

417. Leave the engine running. I'll say I have to pee.

418. Nope. It is too late for that.

419. - I'm pulling for you, Dad. - You really think I can win?

420. No. But you're my dad. So I'm pulling for you.

421. Even though it feels like you took something nice in Coach Switt's life

422. and ruined it by making it all about you.

423. Yeah, I guess I did do that.

424. But I hope that you learned a lesson from that.

425. In fact, that's what this whole thing has been about the whole time.

426. It's been about learning lessons.

427. Excuse me.

428. - Man: Robbie!

429. You got this, Robbie!

430. All right. Okay.

431. Calm down. Calm down.

432. Ladies and gentlemen, there will be no game today.

433. - Crowd: Aw! - That's right. Coach Switt and I

434. have been on the same team all along.

435. Think about it, folks.

436. She agreed to play in a game that I suggested,

437. and several other examples of us trickin' y'all.

438. We have been teaching you,

439. the town, a lesson.

440. Truly disappointed in all of y'all.

441. - Play the damn game. - Man: Yeah!

442. Beatrice, what the hell are you doing?

443. You're supposed to be on my side.

444. You didn't wanna team up.

445. I'm gonna unleash hell on you.

446. - Boo! Boo! - Crowd: Boo!

447. You are a wicked monster who lives in a swamp!

448. - Crowd: Boo! - All right, hold on.

449. Hold on.

450. If Robbie doesn't wanna play, I'm not gonna make him.

451. - Thank you. - 'Cause Robbie...

452. is a little bitch who's scared to play a woman!

453. No. Nuh-uh.

454. I played a woman yesterday, and she kicked my ass.

455. Women can do anything.

456. I fought in a war!

457. Robbie hates the troops!

458. What? No, I don't even know any troops!

459. The troops hate Robbie!

460. USA! USA!

461. - Crowd USA! USA! - USA! USA!

462. USA. I'm— I'm sayin' it, too. USA.

463. - Crowd USA! - Robbie: Y'all are just gonna keep on chantin' it.

464. - It's starting to get creepy. - USA! USA!

465. Crowd USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

466. - Great game, Coach. Go Cougars! - We're lucky to have you.

467. Get out of the car, Robbie.

468. You saw me peekin'? God!

469. I knew I shouldn't have peeked.

470. - So damn impatient. - What do you want?

471. - I just came to apologize. - Okay.

472. Well, you know, I've done some real soul-searching

473. since the park.

474. I watched that old Dolly Parton movie, Nine to Fiv.

475. That's not my go-to Dolly movie, but okay.

476. Then I rolled right into Steel Magnolias. I cried my eyes out.

477. Good for you.

478. Well, I just wanna say the job is... yours.

479. - I already had it. - Yeah, I know,

480. but I wanted to say now you, like,

481. really have it.

482. Goodbye, Robbie.

483. Well, hold on, now.

484. I was gonna ask you somethin'.

485. I think that we make a pretty good team,

486. - you and I, and— - No, we don't.

487. I think it'd be...

488. pretty nice if maybe you asked me

489. to join your coaching staff.

490. - I do not like you. - Okay.

491. If you ever set foot in one my basketball games,

492. I will have you forcibly removed.

493. That's harsh.

494. Well, it is a pretty small town.

495. - We're gonna run into each other.

496. Can you give me a ride back to my car?

497. I parked pretty far away from here.

498. I was gonna do that car trick you did.

499. Rooney!

500. Hey, you got a car?

501. If you drive me to my car, you can pick all the turns.

502. Read a book!