Robbie 1x2

1. What you are looking at

2. is a one-of-a-kind, 1973

3. Randy Goss trading card from the ABA.

4. He looks like he smells bad.

5. Yeah. He lived hard.

6. This guy did cocaine during the games. You better believe

7. this dude smelled like shit most of the time.

8. But he was a champion.

9. - Can I hold it? - No! You absolutely cannot.

10. But I'll tell you what. There's more where this came from.

11. I'm talking signed basketballs.

12. Jerseys.

13. A menu from Michael Jordan's steakhouse.

14. Yeah, I keep it all at my house in somethin' I like to call...

15. my Room of Dreams.

16. I'll tell you what.

17. You guys start winning a few games, maybe I'll bring you over.

18. To look, not to touch. Okay?

19. All right. Let's all say it together. Hands in.

20. Look, not touch.

21. All right. That was terrible.

22. Good practice. Get out of here.

23. - Hey, Dad. - Whoa. Let's not use the "D" word.

24. - Let's just say "Coach." - Coach Robbie?

25. Okay.

26. Why is my son sitting on the bleachers

27. instead of practicing with the rest of the team?

28. Well, Karen, that's because

29. your son is terrible at basketball.

30. And we're trying something new now. It's called winning.

31. It's why we got Caleb.

32. Caleb. I haven't met you before.

33. Do I know your parents?

34. You, uh, Caleb, you actually don't have to answer that.

35. You know what? Why don't you go throw up

36. a few more shots on the other end.

37. Yeah, we're not 100% sure who the dad is.

38. Rumor is he might be a handsome drifter, but...

39. I've never seen him before. Does he go to our church?

40. Mm, why does that matter?

41. This is church basketball.

42. He has to be a part of the congregation to be on the team.

43. All right, Karen. Really?

44. You're starting to sound like a big ol' church nerd.

45. My son wants to play.

46. - Your son wears jean shorts to practice. - Fine.

47. Then I will just go and have a little chat with Father Dan.

48. Okay. There's no need to do that.

49. That's called tattle-telling. And in the Bible, it says,

50. "Do not tattletale."

51. No, it— it doesn't.

52. Eben, let's go.

53. Well, you don't know,

54. because no one's ever read the whole Bible.

55. - Karen: I have. - Church nerd!

56. Father Dan: Take it slow.

57. Whatever it is you've done,

58. there's always forgiveness in the Lord.

59. M-my wife was saving money.

60. And I used it to buy a...

61. Buh...

62. I'm sorry. What now?

63. - A—

64. - Father Dan!

65. We got a basketball emergency.

66. Father Dan: Not now, Robbie. I'm hearing confession.

67. - Hey, Lance. - Hey, Robbie.

68. Do you mind if I tag in?

69. - Father Dan. - Robbie!

70. This is highly inappropriate.

71. Did Karen come and talk to you yet?

72. - About what? - Okay, it doesn't matter.

73. I recruited a, uh, player onto my team.

74. How I found him is not important.

75. I just need to know how do we get him to be a member of the church?

76. Well, Robbie, the decision to begin a walk with Christ

77. is always a profound one.

78. Mm-mm. No, no, no, no, I don't have time for that.

79. I can't walk with Christ. I gotta run with Christ.

80. - Give me the steps. - Has the child been baptized?

81. - I have no clue. - Well, we could ask the parents.

82. Um, okay, uh, well, what if one of the parents,

83. uh, likes the kid,

84. and he's even starting to care about him quite a bit.

85. But he's not ready to admit in a public space

86. that he's the father.

87. - Would— - Robbie, whatever it is you're up to,

88. I don't want any part of it.

89. I'm trying to win basketball games, Dan, okay?

90. So what do I gotta do? I gotta get the parents on board,

91. we dunk him, bam, he's in the church? Is that the deal?

92. As a semi employee of the church,

93. you should already know this.

94. - But we don't "dunk." - Okay. Got it.

95. It's a little bit like the WNBA. Is that it?

96. Hey, Lance, thanks so much, okay?

97. And, uh, just so you know, I didn't hear anything.

98. But come on, dude. You gotta get rid of that boat!

99. - Father Dan: Boat!

100. - That's what you were saying!

101. You look like a woman who knows elegance.

102. - Thank you. - I mean it.

103. And I think my Grace Before Beauty Essential Oils

104. will be a perfect complement for your very chic salon.

105. Here. Try this one. It's eucalyptus mint.

106. Eucalyptus? You mean like koalas eat?

107. - Yeah. - Oh. Well, I love koalas. Ha, ha, too cute.

108. Ava! Top secret emergency!

109. - You know, I'm just gonna leave some samples here.

110. I have to go choke someone.

111. Hey, let me get that for you. You look nice.

112. - Mm, thanks. - Did you just get your hair cut?

113. No, I'm working.

114. And I do not let white ladies touch my hair.

115. So, you're, like, cutting their hair?

116. No. I have my own business. I sell essential oils.

117. You sell oil?

118. Oh, my God. Are you, like, crazy rich or something?

119. Why did you text me 9-1-1?

120. Right. Um, remember how we, uh,

121. we both agreed that it was important to both of us

122. - for Caleb to play on my church basketball team? - Sure.

123. Well, in order for him to get to do that,

124. he has to get baptized.

125. In a church? No way.

126. Is that 'cause y'all are, like, Kwanzaa or something?

127. Robbie.

128. Do you think Kwanzaa is a religion?

129. What is the least racist way I could answer that?

130. I can't help you, Robbie. I don't go to church anymore.

131. I used to, but then Cynthia pissed me off.

132. Well, I'll tell you what. That's great news,

133. 'cause we don't even have a Cynthia.

134. We got a Karen. She's a little bit of pill,

135. but I'll handle that. Don't you worry about it.

136. Let's just get some water on Caleb's head.

137. Let's get him back out on the court.

138. You know, basketball coaches

139. don't ask their players to get baptized.

140. That's something parents decide.

141. Well, great, 'cause I'm also his dad.

142. - Are you? - Yeah, I am.

143. Right? You said that I w—

144. Are you pranking me? Am I on a prank show right now?

145. What, do you got cameras all over the place, Ava?

146. No! I mean, I mean, yeah, that is my backup camera.

147. But no, I'm not pranking you.

148. Look, I need you to tell me point blank,

149. do you want to be his father,

150. or do you just wanna be his basketball coach?

151. You really think that's fair to make me have to choose?

152. The answer is both. You want to be both.

153. Okay, well, I didn't know you were doing trick questions!

154. But since you love trick questions so much, here's one for you.

155. - Which is heavier? A pound of feathers— - They're both a pound.

156. - Yeah. - Look, here's what we're gonna do.

157. I'll let Caleb get baptized,

158. so he can play on your team,

159. if you match the money I have in his college fund.

160. - His what now? - The money I've been saving so he can go to college.

161. Well, we don't even know if he wants to go to college, so...

162. Oh, he's going to college.

163. - All right, how much money are we talking? - $800.

164. $800? Ava.

165. Nobody can go to college for $800.

166. I just started the fund. I have a business to take care of.

167. Like, uh, maybe clown college,

168. but I don't even know if he could go to clown college.

169. - There's some bad-ass clowns. - All right, then. Match it.

170. Where am I gonna get $800 from?

171. Robbie, I have to go convince a daycare

172. that aroma therapy's gonna make their kids nap longer.

173. You figure it out.

174. Holy shit!

175. - You have a kid? - That's right.

176. A woman had sex with you?

177. And now there's a kid that's half made out of you.

178. Yeah, Beatrice. That's what a kid is.

179. Is he real dumb?

180. No, he's not dumb.

181. Why would you ask that?

182. You said he was half you.

183. You're a witch.

184. I'm only telling you because I need $800

185. so he can get baptized.

186. Well, you're not gonna get it from me.

187. I don't support organized religion.

188. When man speaks for God,

189. God is diminished.

190. You know that we both don't know what that means.

191. And I don't want your money, anyways.

192. I just need a little advance on my paycheck.

193. No can do. That's against Kreamy King policy.

194. But you could try sweet-talking me

195. to give you some extra shifts.

196. I do respond to flattery.

197. I would rather rub dog shit all over my face,

198. and then eat my own barf.

199. Okay, we got a Kreamy Kup here

200. with chocolate sprinkles and cookie crumbles.

201. - That is gonna be $800. - No.

202. It'll be $2.75.

203. - What the hell?

204. - Robbie, we need to talk! - My God!

205. Who bangs on a window like that? Just come in!

206. - Oh, my God.

207. You got some nerve coming down here for free ice cream

208. after you screwed me out of my dream job.

209. I'm not here for ice cream. I don't like your ice cream.

210. - All right. Calm down. - I'll make this quick.

211. I know you're still mad at me.

212. Yeah, well, I accept your apology.

213. I'm not apologizing.

214. Well, too bad. I already accepted it.

215. - Robbie, you told me I have a grandson. - Yeah.

216. In a million years, I never thought that would happen,

217. so whatever crap we got between us, that changes things.

218. Hell, yeah, it does.

219. I got him playing on my team, starting him at point.

220. This isn't about basketball.

221. I want to have a relationship with my grandson.

222. Okay. Well, then, how 'bout this?

223. If you take this rag, and from right where you're standing,

224. you shoot it into that trashcan,

225. I'll drive him over to your house this afternoon.

226. I'm not gonna bet on this. It's too important.

227. Right. Well, then, give me $800.

228. - What? - Look, do you wanna be a coach?

229. Or do you wanna be a granddad?

230. Robbie, what are you talking about?

231. Caleb's mom, Ava.

232. He can't play on the team unless he gets baptized.

233. And she won't do it unless I put a bunch of stupid money

234. - in his stupid college fund. - Oh...

235. What are you— Ow! Ow!

236. Get your head out of your ass.

237. She's asking you to put some skin in the game.

238. I don't have the money, Dad.

239. So why don't you sell some of that sports crap

240. you got stowed away in your spare bedroom?

241. You mean my Room of Dreams?

242. - Oh. - No way.

243. That might be one of the stupidest ideas I've ever heard.

244. That stuff only goes up in value.

245. None of it will ever be worth more than your son.

246. That's gross. You talk like that now?

247. You've been a granddad for one day.

248. You're giving out hokey wisdom like you're damn Dr. Phil?

249. That's hack, dude. You're a hacky granddad.

250. You got a chance at something real, here, Robbie.

251. Don't screw it up.

252. Hello, Robbie.

253. Jesus Christ, Janie!

254. My God, how long have you been sittin' in the dark?

255. I don't know. I dropped my watch in the toilet.

256. - What? - Robbie, notice anything different about me?

257. I don't know. Maybe it looks like you got a haircut.

258. I just got a haircut...

259. from Crystal?

260. And she told me all about some woman

261. who came into the store selling oils

262. that smell like koala bears.

263. - All right— - And then you showed up.

264. - Okay, Janie... - I'm your girlfriend, Robbie.

265. You think I don't know what's going on?

266. I know what's going on.

267. Okay. Well, what do you think is going on?

268. You're learning to be a masseuse.

269. No. No. It's not that kind of oil, all right?

270. - It's for aromatherapy. - Well, I don't even know what that is.

271. It makes kids sleep.

272. Besides, that's not why I was talkin' to her anyways.

273. Last week, I found out I have a son. And she's the mom.

274. Oh, my God. We have a son. Yes!

275. No, we do not have a son. I have a son, okay?

276. And right now, I have to go give up

277. the thing that I care about most in the world

278. to prove that I care about him.

279. And it really sucks.

280. Robbie, no. Not your Room of Dreams.

281. Yeah, well, Janie, it's the only way.

282. - But that stuff only goes up in value.

283. It's beautiful.

284. - Yeah. - It's like the Little Mermaid's sea closet,

285. with all those combs.

286. Yeah, you're the only other person who's been in here besides me.

287. And the guy who installed these shelves.

288. And the woman who put the lights in.

289. And my dad, 'cause I thought he would like it, but...

290. he didn't.

291. You know, coaching basketball and collecting all this stuff

292. are the only two things I've ever cared about.

293. But now, like all my dreams lately,

294. I have to go and flush it down the toilet.

295. Oh, yeah. Just like my watch.

296. There must be some way to get that money. How much do you need?

297. $800.

298. Whew! That is a boatload of cash.

299. What did you just say?

300. Oh, I don't know. I say a lot of stuff.

301. And then, but, I don't really listen to myself talk.

302. No. Just now, you said "boatload."

303. That doesn't sound like me.

304. Ever since I saw Titanic, I said, "I am not talkin' about boats."

305. Janie, you definitely just said it.

306. You just said "boatload" and I was gonna be like,

307. "What did you just say?" And you were gonna go,

308. "Boatload." And I was gonna be like, that's it!

309. Yes! I actually don't have to sell any of this stuff.

310. I could just sell the boat.

311. - What boat? - Lance's boat!

312. - Lance has a boat? - Yes, and his wife does not know about it.

313. - Oh. - It's perfect.

314. Here. Lock the door, and get your watch out of my toilet.

315. You know, I think I said "butt-load."

316. Good form. Make sure you square your shoulders.

317. Take another one.

318. - Whoa! There you go!

319. This is fun, eh?

320. - Yeah. - I used to do this with Robbie when he was little.

321. - But he only wanted to learn trick shots. - Caleb!

322. Don't listen to anything he tells you.

323. Took him 40 years to win two championships.

324. That's two more than you got.

325. So what did you decide? You sell your stuff?

326. I didn't have to. I made some other arrangements.

327. Good news is, Ava got her money

328. and now Caleb can get baptized.

329. Actually, uh, Caleb and I have been talking.

330. There may be a small problem.

331. What is it now?

332. Did you ask Caleb if he wants to get baptized?

333. No, of course not. Kids don't get to pick their own religion.

334. Besides, I already know he's not Kwanzaa.

335. I don't want to get baptized. I'm agnostic.

336. Agnostic? Is— That's not a real word. Is it?

337. What does that even mean?

338. Robbie, he doesn't wanna do it.

339. What did you do?

340. Caleb. You wanna play on the team, right?

341. Then don't let your granddad, who you barely know,

342. ruin this for us.

343. Robbie, you can't make him do it.

344. Will you stay out of this?

345. Are those Dunkaroos?

346. I never got fun snacks when I was a kid.

347. I always had to eat soft bananas with raisins smushed into 'em.

348. Nobody made you eat that.

349. You called it "monkey turds" and you loved it.

350. - Monkey turds? - Don't laugh at that.

351. - That's my childhood.

352. So what's the deal here? You don't wanna go to Heaven?

353. I don't know what I believe in.

354. That's why Granddad says I'm agnostic.

355. Yeah. I got that.

356. But look, Caleb, what I'm telling you is this.

357. You don't have to actually believe any of this stuff.

358. You just gotta do it, so you can play on the team.

359. I thought you wanted me to be the same religion as you,

360. since I'm your son.

361. Yeah, well, you see, my religion is basketball.

362. And in order for you to come to my church,

363. "the gymnasium,"

364. you have to get baptized.

365. Just like me.

366. Robbie, you were never baptized.

367. What? What are you telling me right now?

368. I wasn't, either. Your mom was the religious one.

369. She didn't start going to church until you were older.

370. - We never got around to it. - What the hell, Dad?

371. If Father Dan finds out I'm not baptized,

372. I might not be able to coach my team!

373. Not to mention the fact that the devil's gonna ram

374. a pitchfork up my ass for an eternity.

375. Do you really believe that?

376. Well, I don't know what I believe!

377. Dad, it sounds like maybe you're agnostic.

378. - Okay. Nuh-uh. I don't like this.

379. I don't want you two hanging out without me anymore.

380. Hey, I have an idea.

381. How about we all get baptized together?

382. Father Dan: Welcome, everyone.

383. I'm always excited when we get to start the service

384. with a baptism.

385. And today, we've got a bit of a pileup.

386. Guess I should probably say a few words here.

387. - Oh, that's not part of— - Baptism.

388. Some dude just pours water over your head.

389. Pretty stupid, right?

390. But you know what?

391. In basketball, sometimes your teammates

392. dump a big old thing of Gatorade over your head

393. to say, "Good job! We're all proud of you!"

394. So maybe baptism

395. is really just a big old Gatorade bath from the Lord.

396. Not so stupid now, is it?

397. Father Dan: Thank you for that.

398. Obviously, none of that is scripture—

399. Oh, and, uh, one more thing.

400. We're only here today because Karen

401. didn't want Caleb to play on my basketball team.

402. But I'm not gettin' baptized

403. because I'm a kick-ass basketball coach.

404. I'm gettin' baptized

405. because I'm also a kick-ass dad.

406. Caleb is my son.

407. I had sex with her,

408. and then she gave birth to him.

409. Woo! I love my black son!

410. I'm a little choked up. And I have no idea why.

411. - Lance: Robbie Walton.

412. Where's my boat?

413. - Oh, shit. - Lance: I know it was you.

414. You listened to my confession, and you stole my boat!

415. No, no, no, Lance, buddy.

416. What are you doing?

417. Hey. I... I don't even know what you're talking about.

418. But weren't you saying that you needed to get rid of that boat

419. 'cause you didn't want your wife to find out about it?

420. Robbie, I told you to sell all that crap

421. in your room of sports junk.

422. Okay. - And you went and stole Lance's boat?

423. - It is called the Room of Dreams. - Yeah, okay.

424. This whole thing is Ava's fault, anyway.

425. She's the one who made me give her a bunch of money for no reason.

426. No. That's not on me. I didn't tell you to steal a boat.

427. Well, Janie is the one who said "boatload."

428. No, I said "butt-load."

429. Hand to God. I said "butt."

430. All right. Fine. Yes. I stole Lance's boat.

431. And I sold it for $800.

432. It was a $10,000 boat.

433. Okay, well, then, what you need to do is report it stolen.

434. And then just claim it on your insurance, you know?

435. - I did that with my first car.

436. I wanted to go to Cancun, so that's what I did.

437. And also, totally works. It's not even illegal.

438. All you're doing is taking money from corporations.

439. Robbie, that's still stealing.

440. And it's definitely illegal.

441. The boat wasn't insured.

442. My wife handles all the bills.

443. Look, you can't pin that on me, dude.

444. That sounds like somethin' you need to work out with your wife.

445. - That's it, man. I'm gonna kill you! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

446. Hey, hold on, Lance. Don't do anything you're gonna regret.

447. Robbie, you come with me.

448. This is real bad.

449. This is three strikes and you're out.

450. I already know how to pay Lance back, okay?

451. I already know how to get the money.

452. I just have to sell my stuff.

453. I just didn't wanna do it.

454. That's not all. Karen talked to me.

455. - Oh, God. - You gotta let her son play on your team.

456. - No! No!

457. No, no, no, no, no!

458. No! No!

459. Okay, fine. Let's just get this stupid baptism over with.

460. - I can't baptize you today. - Why not?

461. Everyone out there saw what you did.

462. I'd look like the biggest pushover in the world.

463. I'll do it tomorrow when no one else is around.

464. Mama loves you, Caleb.

465. Robbie, who is that woman?

466. Oh. She's in love with me.

467. And we sleep together.

468. And I think we live together.

469. And also she's my girlfriend.

470. That sure is a boatload of water. Heh.

471. Oh.

472. If I were you, I would have never sold all this stuff.

473. Yeah, well...

474. I kind of thought it would make me happy, but...

475. I don't think it ever did.

476. You know what I was thinkin'?

477. We could turn this into a bedroom,

478. and maybe you stay over sometimes.

479. Can I get a PS4?

480. Uh-uh. No. Don't ask your dad for stuff I already said no to.

481. Well, how did we do?

482. I am a bad-ass. I told you I was good at sales.

483. I got way more money that you thought I would.

484. That's great. I mean, I told y'all,

485. the stuff in here, it only goes up in value.

486. Oh, no. Your memorabilia stuff

487. didn't really make that much money.

488. But this weird shelf thing was an antique!

489. I got so much money for that.

490. I paid Lance back, and I put the rest in Caleb's college fund.

491. Oh, that is great,

492. because that's where that money should go.

493. I don't even know if I wanna go to college.

494. After I just sold my Room of Dreams?

495. - No, you're going to college. - Yeah.

496. What if I want to go straight to the NBA?

497. - You can't do that! - That's not even how it works!

498. - I'm out here working... - You have to get an education.

499. I can't understand you if you both talk at the same time.

500. - You have two ears, right? - Well, guess what? Trick question.

501. You can listen to two different people, okay?

502. - Listen to both of us. - It actually is both.

503. - Actually, I'm telling you... - So, if she talks, then I'm gonna talk,

504. - ... and you will end up hearing both of us...

505. Read a book.