Right Now Kapow 1x5

1. Look, it's working.

2. The Pied Piper's enchanted tune is working.

3. Huzzah!

4. That was great.

5. Yes, all the rats have left Hamelin.

6. No, I mean that song.

7. It's really great, just instantly grabs you.

8. Um, Mrs. Mayor,

9. perhaps you should hum a different song.

10. That one seemed to be attracting rats.

11. Oh, I didn't even see them. I'll stop.

12. You know, I had my doubts

13. when you hired a piper to get rid of the rats but...

14. What are you doing?

15. Oh, sorry.

16. You were humming the Piper's tune again.

17. I wasn't trying to.

18. It's just stuck in my head now.

19. Well, get it unstuck. It's bringing the rats back.

20. I know. It's just so darn catchy.

21. Oh, no. I did it again.

22. Maybe if I just whistle it instead.

23. - (WHISTLING) No!

24. (ALL EXCLAIMING) Stop! No!

25. The Piper's on his way back to collect his payment

26. and there are more rats than ever.

27. Oh, relax, okay. I'll take care of him.

28. Good people of Hamelin, I've returned in...

29. - What did you do? Hmm?

30. I've come to collect my fee for leading all the rats out of town,

31. and they are all back.

32. The rats?

33. Yes.

34. I think you missed a couple.

35. You should probably do another pass or we're not paying.

36. If you will not pay my fee,

37. I'll find some other form of payment to take from this village.

38. Uh... Hey, we got some rats we could give you.

39. You're welcome.

40. The enemy ship is directly above the sub.

41. If we make any noise, any noise at all,

42. they'll detect us and drop their death charges.

43. We run silent on my mark.

44. Shh!

45. I know but that look at that fish.

46. It's so doofy looking.

47. Shh, no laughing.

48. I'm sorry. You're right. I'm sorry, very sorry.

49. (SNORTS) I can't.

50. Seriously, no noise.

51. Oh. (SNORTING)

52. Shh. Our very lives depend...

53. Is...

54. Is that a banana peel floating towards him?

55. There's no way he can slip on a banana peel, right?

56. Oh, no. He is definitely going to slip

57. and we are definitely going to get exploded.

58. Gah!

59. Kid, whenever we fall, we get right back up.

60. We pick up the pieces and we try again.

61. Coach, I know you're not with me anymore but I'm gonna make you proud.

62. So, you're not with her anymore?

63. No, I quit. She's terrible.

64. All right. Thank you for donating blood today.

65. Let's see how you're coming along.

66. Oh. Ha.

67. Very funny. It's vampire at a blood drive.

68. Classic. What a classic gag. Are we really doing this?

69. I'm sorry. I just came to donate.

70. Yeah. Because it's part of some hilarious joke where you drink all the blood?

71. No, I want to donate because it's the right thing to do.

72. Right, right, okay. Why don't you skip the jokes and take the blood.

73. I don't want blood.

74. Yes, you do. You are a vampire. You love blood.

75. Okay, listen. Put yourself in my shoes.

76. Do you donate to the food drive?

77. Yes, because it's the right thing to do.

78. Exactly. And when you drop your food off and you see all the other food,

79. do you go crazy and eat all of that food?

80. Just because you're a person who eats food?

81. Yes.

82. So you see... What? You do?

83. Yes, I do but I see your point.

84. Help yourself to all of the blood.

85. I don't want any blood.

86. If you say so. Thank you for donating today.

87. You need to raise your blood sugar so you don't get dizzy.

88. Better take a sugar cookie for the road.

89. Blech! It's horrible.

90. Look, the Piper's leading the children of Hamelin away because we didn't pay him.

91. Please, Mrs. Mayor, you are the only one

92. who can help us get our children back.

93. I am not paying that guy, if that's what you mean. He didn't get rid of the rats.

94. No, you can whistle the Pied Piper's enchanted tune

95. and summon the children back.

96. Just like you did the rats.

97. Hmm.

98. Nah. I don't really like that song.

99. It's objectively not as good.

100. Uh, I could sing the rat song some more if you want. That song is still great.

101. We don't need any more rats.

102. We need our children back.

103. Okay, okay, I'll try.

104. But I don't remember that song as well. Not as catchy.

105. Not like that rat song. (SIGHS) So good.

106. (GRUNTS) Not the rat song.

107. Right, right, right, right, kids song.

108. I wanna get your kids back

109. so I'm gonna sing the kids song. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

110. - That doesn't sound right. - Shush.

111. Oh, wait. That's it.

112. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Here, we go. A bunch of rats.

113. We wanted you to bring back our children.

114. - Maybe these rats are your children? - (ALL GROANING)

115. You wasted so much time inventing your time machine,

116. you ruined our marriage.

117. But with it, I can go back in time

118. and stop myself from making that mistake.

119. - (GASPS) - Darling, will you...

120. - Don't do it. It's a mistake! Don't! - (RING CLANGS)

121. - (GAVEL BANGING) - People. People, please.

122. What are we going to do about this shark that's been terrorizing our coastline?

123. Well, I'm a fisherman.

124. So I know better than anyone how to handle this here shark.

125. You see, we catch all the other fish,

126. then the shark doesn't have anything left to eat.

127. Except swimmers.

128. Oh, right. Yeah, I forgot about them.

129. I may be just a simple swimmer but I, too, have a plan.

130. What if I strap this shark fin on my back and go undercover as a shark?

131. No, what we need to do is make a designated zone

132. where the shark is allowed to eat swimmers.

133. But only in the zone. Then we just stay out of the zone.

134. That old guy has an idea.

135. I do have an idea.

136. What if everyone uses butter instead of sun block

137. so they taste better to the shark?

138. That way he'll eat so many of us,

139. he'll have to watch his weight.

140. I think we've had enough scratching chalkboards for today.

141. - So anyone who... - (LOUD SCREECHING)

142. - We need to use a kid as bait to catch the shark. - No.

143. - (SCREECHING) - Yeah, we'll legally change his name

144. to Billy the Uneatable Boy.

145. - And the shark won't be able to resist the challenge... - (SCREECHING)

146. All right, what if we ship in an even bigger shark to eat him?

147. - (SCREECHING) - You can't. He's uneatable.

148. - (SCREECHING) - Not the boy, the shark.

149. - (SCREECHING) - That's a good idea.

150. - (SCREECHING) - I disagree.

151. Are you going to suggest something?

152. No, I just like that sound.

153. - (SCREECHING) - Oh, yeah. That's the stuff.

154. - (GAVEL BANGING) - No more scratching.

155. Of course, that's it.

156. What if, to get rid of the shark,

157. we just scratch the shark really good?

158. - Just like this chalkboard. - (SCREECHING)

159. - Like this? - (SCREECHING)

160. - Yes, but on the shark. See? - (SCREECHING)

161. - That could work. - (SCREECHING)

162. Okay, okay, fine.

163. All in favor of scratching the shark a bunch to get rid of it, say aye.

164. Aye! - (GAVEL BANGS)

165. Now, please, let's just move on to the next point on the agenda.

166. Voting to replace all the chalkboards

167. in the meeting room with whiteboards.

168. Nay!

169. Oh, thank you, Piper. You've returned our children to us.

170. - Here is your payment as promised. - (COINS CLINKING)

171. Thank you, good people of Hamelin.

172. I hope the lesson you've learned here will...

173. Actually, Piper, before you go,

174. we have another problem for you to take care of.

175. All the rats, yes. I can lead them.

176. (CHUCKLES) No, not the rats.

177. The Mayor. She won't stop singing that rat song.

178. It's driving us crazy.

179. She even made up her own lyrics.

180. Can you lead her away with your pipe? Like you did our children?

181. Yeah, that was great. We thought we'd never see them again.

182. Yeah, do it like that but leave her there.

183. You know, don't bring her back.

184. Worry not. The Pied Piper has the right tool for the job.

185. - (DOOR SLAMS) Huzzah!

186. Well, uh, guess we need a new Mayor.

187. Yeah, that more or less works.

188. I still can't believe this place was so cheap. It's huge. MUSIC PLAYING)

189. I wonder why they were so eager to sell it to us.

190. Get out.

191. What was that?

192. - (LIGHTNING CRACKLING) Get out.

193. I think it's the house.

194. - The house is alive! - (WHOOSHING)

195. Get out.

196. Wait. Is that an 84-inch big screen TV?

197. - Yes, it is. - (CLATTERING)

198. With surround sound?

199. (STAMMERS) And a projector set-up for movies.

200. - (RUMBLING) Stay.

201. What? Really?

202. You and your stuff should definitely stay.

203. Okay, great. Back to unpacking then.

204. Hey, where's the cat?

205. Oh. Uh... You have a cat? - Is that a problem?

206. - (LIGHTNING CRACKLING) Get out.

207. Seriously?

208. - (LIGHTNING CRACKLING) Get out.

209. You have an air hockey table?

210. Yeah. Guess it's a good thing we didn't assemble it yet.

211. Oh... Um...

212. - (LIGHTNING CRACKLING) - Stay.

213. Come on, just make a decision.

214. Stay, definitely stay.

215. But with ground rules.

216. I heard some sad news a few weeks back.

217. They say Ol' Buckeye's gone to meet his Maker.

218. Ol' Buckeye's gone? Shoot.

219. I wish I had met the feller just once. A real legend.

220. You know, I rode with Buckeye...

221. - No. - You're kidding.

222. Swear on my life. I was with him when he passed.

223. (LAUGHS) And her just sitting here this whole time.

224. It's true. Why, I even took his fine words and turned them into a song.

225. Well, let's hear it.

226. Oh, all right.

227. (CHUCKLES) It's called, The Ballad of Ol' Buckeye.

228. And he just kind of went on like that for a while. Until he didn't.

229. That was, uh, real nice.

230. I'll keep watch tonight.

231. All right. Let's see what you've all put in the anonymous suggestion box.

232. "Get well soon, Doug." "Can't wait to have you back at work, Doug."

233. "Doug, we hope you feel better." Okay.

234. Obviously, we used a similar box

235. for the "Get Well" card collection for Doug.

236. Which means...

237. "You need to treat people with more respect."

238. "People are afraid to talk to you."

239. "Stop trying to control everything."

240. "You should give out free donuts on Fridays."

241. I should. The worst thing is that I know that I should, and I don't.

242. Well, fellas, today is the big day.

243. We nursed you back to health and you're ready to go back where you came from.

244. Back into the wild. Go now. Be free.

245. (GASPS) Whoops.

246. Yeah. Maybe not today.

247. - Wait, wait. What? - (CHIRPING)

248. Uh, oh, I'm sorry. I can't. I don't really have the room.

249. Is that...

250. Take your baby? You want me to at least take your baby?

251. Oh, no. Come on. That's...

252. (GROANS) No. That's not...

253. Aw...

254. All right, everybody in.

255. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, there's no room.

256. (EXHALES) Okay, let's move. Move! Move!

257. Stop throwing acorns, all right? I'm coming back with a bigger car.

258. Okay, okay.

259. Man, this is nuts.

260. I wasn't making a pun. This is literally insane.

261. What's going on here?

262. My buds are here to watch the game.

263. House, you can't just invite people over without asking us.

264. And we found the cat outside. How'd that happen?

265. Oh, man. I have no idea.

266. - Someone must have left the door open. - (LIGHTNING CRACKLING)

267. Really?

268. The door that you control because it is a part of you?

269. - (STATIC ON TV) Not cool, guys. Not cool.

270. Jenny, was it you?

271. I think you'd better get out.

272. Do I really have to go?

273. (WHISPERING) No, not really.

274. My roommates are super lame. Just pretend to leave and I'll let you in the back door.

275. Because I do control all the doors.

276. Are you kidding me?

277. Game's on.

278. Wow, it really is beautiful.

279. Excuse me, would you mind taking our picture?

280. I'll give it a try but I'm not very good at taking pictures.

281. I always mess it up somehow. Here we go.

282. Three, two, one... (GRUNTS)

283. Oh, dang. What'd I tell you?

284. - I'm in. - Great. Now grab the painting and get out.

285. Affirmative.

286. If you'd just follow me, the exhibit...

287. - Uh-oh. - Sounds like you've got company. Get out of there.

288. Normally we wouldn't open the gallery this late...

289. My harness is jammed.

290. But we don't usually have clientele of your caliber.

291. Please let me know if anything catches your eye.

292. Hmm.

293. Tell me more about this piece.

294. I don't seem to have any information on it. It must be new.

295. It's so life-like. (GASPS)

296. I love the way its eyes seem to follow me wherever I go.

297. Like it's worried I'll notice something incredibly obvious at any moment.

298. Yes, it does have a certain sense of impending, inescapable doom, doesn't it?

299. Its expression seems to be saying, "There's no way I can pull this off."

300. - (GULPS) - I disagree.

301. To me, the expression is more of a, "Why haven't I been caught already?"

302. As if it's asking the viewer if you're playing dumb just to mess with her.

303. Yes, the piece certainly explores the line between,

304. "Why haven't they called the police?"

305. and "When are they going to call the police?"

306. Well, one thing is clear.

307. I must have it.

308. Wonderful. If you'll come to my office, I'll draw up the papers.

309. Boy, am I glad to see you. Thanks for coming to rescue me.

310. Oh, no, I'm not here to rescue you.

311. You're art now. I'm here to steal you.

312. Oh, man.

313. Ow, ow.

314. Ow, stop it. Ow.

315. Ow, ow.

316. Guys, roommate meeting.

317. Ow, stop.

318. What is it, House?

319. We need to have a talk. - (LIGHTNING CRACKLING)

320. You wanna talk?

321. How about we talk about you hogging the TV,

322. running up the electric bill and somehow eating all our food.

323. No, I'm cool with those things but the cat has got to

324. - get out. - (LIGHTNING CRACKLING)

325. We're not gonna get rid of our cat.

326. Ugh. I didn't want to do this but...

327. - It's the cat or me. - (LIGHTNING CRACKLING)

328. We pick the cat.

329. Oh. Wow. You answered really fast.

330. - Yeah. - Obviously.

331. Do you want, like, a minute to think about it?

332. - Nope. - No, House. We don't need a minute.

333. We choose the cat, not you.

334. We're completely, absolutely, 100% certain we don't wanna live with you.

335. You have 40 more seconds. - House!

336. Okay, fine. Guess there's nothing left for me to do but...

337. - Get out. - (LIGHTNING CRACKLING)

338. I'm taking the TV, though.