Right Now Kapow 1x24

1. Boy, howdy!

2. I do believe I'm the best dang banjo player there's ever been.

3. - (LAUGHING) - Oh, really?

4. You put on one heck of a show, Tammy!

5. But, I'll bet you... Ha-ha!

6. I can do better.

7. - You wanna bet? - Yes!

8. And if you win, I'll give you this.

9. - A solid gold banjo. - (EXCLAIMS) Ooh!

10. But if you lose you'll have to sign over your soul.

11. Hmm.

12. Mr. Devil, sir, that's one heck of a wager.

13. - You're on. - (BOTH CACKLING)

14. Just try and do better than this.

15. Wait? That's it?

16. - (GASPS) - Where's the rest?

17. The rest? What... What are you talking about?

18. You play a mighty fine banjo. No denying.

19. But you bet me you can put on a better show.

20. When I perform I also dance a jig.

21. Okay. I'm, uh...

22. I'm not really prepared to do a jig.

23. I was lead to believe this would be strictly just a banjo thing.

24. If you want to weasel out of the bet

25. I s'pose you don't have to dance.

26. (STUTTERS) What? No, no, no! Sure I can do a jig.

27. - (BONE CRACKS) - Ow! Ow! Ow!

28. Ooh! I twisted my ankle.

29. Ow-wee!

30. That was horrible.

31. No, no! I'm not finished yet.

32. There's... There's more dance left.

33. No. I mean that fall was horrible.

34. You ought to have that ankle looked at.

35. The only person who oughta look at his ankle is you.

36. - So you'll know when you... - (BONE CRACKS)

37. - Oh! - Ouch! Ouch!

38. I don't really feel good about this.

39. But it does kinda feel like I won here.

40. Here, fine! You won on a technicality.

41. You happy about that?

42. At last.

43. We meet again, master.

44. And this time vengeance shall be mine.

45. Who are you?

46. Someone you thought you'd never see again.

47. I'm so sorry. Have we met?

48. - 'Cause... - What? Yes!

49. - Is your name Craig? - No!

50. Okay, hang on. I think I recognize you now.

51. Mustache Donnie!

52. I'm not Mustache Donnie!

53. I don't have a mustache.

54. - Are you regular Donnie? - (SIGHS)

55. How am I supposed to get revenge on you if you have no idea who I am?

56. Look I'm sorry. Just give me a little hint.

57. You said I had the potential to become the greatest fighter that ever lived.

58. Can you be more specific?

59. You taught me Kung-Fu for nine years before betraying me

60. to the Emperor's guards!

61. Okay. We're narrowing it down.

62. That's a statue of me right there!

63. That's you? I thought that was Mustache Donnie.

64. That statue doesn't have a mustache!

65. It's me, Craig!

66. Hey, wait a second. I said Craig.

67. Oh, I thought you said Greg.

68. - No. - That's funny.

69. Sorry, hon. I know it's your birthday,

70. but all the batting cages are full.

71. All that's left are the outfield cages.

72. Oh!

73. You're doing great, hon!

74. Oh, no! A robot's attacking the city.

75. Never fear!

76. Cheer Squad is here!

77. Come on, guys. Let's do this.

78. ♪ We're in it to win it

79. Oh, thank goodness, Cheer Squad, we need your help!

80. Cheer Squad is on it!

81. - Who are we cheering for? - (PEOPLE SCREAMING)

82. - What? - Just point out the person who is going to fight the robot

83. - and we'll cheer them on. - (BUILDINGS CRASHING)

84. - You're not going to fight it yourselves? - No.

85. We're cheerleaders. We just cheer.

86. But I thought you were like cheerleading-themed superheroes.

87. That's a pretty big leap to make.

88. No, it's not! You did a whole song.

89. Yeah. Because we're cheerleaders.

90. You introduced yourselves with a dance, you have matching outfits.

91. Hey, guy. You're just describing cheerleaders.

92. You transformed into your costumes while I watched!

93. Ew!

94. No. It's not like that.

95. You are very misleading.

96. You are very misleading, lying teens.

97. Come on, Squad. This guy's a jerk!

98. I'm glad the city's getting destroyed.

99. In fact, I think we should cheer for the robot.

100. (EXCLAIM) Oh, yeah! Go, team!

101. ♪ Be aggressive

102. Whoo!

103. Rematch! Let's bet again.

104. You'll see I'm the better showman.

105. (STAMMERS) I was just hustling you when I lost our last bet.

106. I don't you. Seems like you hurt your leg pretty bad.

107. Well, it's better now and this time I'll win your soul!

108. Well, dream, Mr. Devil, sir.

109. I already got me this here house

110. by selling that last solid gold banjo.

111. Don't really need another banjo.

112. Then what would you say to 10 solid gold banjos?

113. - No! - What do you mean "No?"

114. Look, you can't keep making these bets.

115. We can't afford to be handing out solid gold banjos.

116. Yeah, but...

117. - What's over there? - Huh?

118. - No! - Hoo, boy!

119. That is a lot of gold banjos.

120. Mister, you got yourself a deal!

121. Yes! All right.

122. Well, you might as well say goodbye to your soul now,

123. 'cause here comes the best dang dancing

124. and banjo playing you'll ever see.

125. Shoot. You're only gonna dance and strum?

126. The key to be a good showman is to keep your act fresh.

127. That's why I added spoon playing.

128. (SCOFFS) Ha! That's it? That's all you got? Hitting yourself with spoons?

129. - Ha! - If you wanna back out...

130. Oh, yeah, the Devil is gonna get scared off

131. 'cause some kid can use utensils. Give me those!

132. All right. Playing spoons.

133. Ha! I got this.

134. - (GASPS) - Oops! That didn't count!

135. I dropped my spoon. You see where it went?

136. Uh...

137. What? What are you, what are you pointing at?

138. Well, I guess you win because I have to go to the hospital now.

139. - Go get the car. - (GROANS)

140. We haven't even paid off the bills from your leg yet.

141. Yeah, I remember what we haven't paid off.

142. The spoon didn't go in that deep.

143. I can't believe we have been stranded on this desert island for 30 days.

144. Well, I'm working on something that will change all that.

145. - You've got a way off the island? - No.

146. I've got a way to shipwreck more people here.

147. Ta-da! It's a catapult!

148. - What? What for? - I thought about it a lot.

149. And if we keep getting people stranded here

150. then eventually we won't be stranded anymore.

151. You can't be stranded if there's a ton of other people with you.

152. So your whole plan is to sink boats?

153. It's a numbers game. Two people can be stranded in an island.

154. Two hundred can't. It's just a big hangout.

155. You fool. You mad fool.

156. I'm in!

157. - Hey, what's up? - This is so much fun for you.

158. Great to have you.

159. Yeah. Thank you so much for coming.

160. Your plan worked extremely well!

161. - Right, guys? - (ALL GROWLING)

162. Hmm. Maybe I'll get a pet mouse?

163. Those are feeder mice.

164. We don't sell them as pets we sell them as food for pet snakes.

165. Oh, okay. I guess I'll get a pet snake.

166. Those are actually feeder snakes for pet mongooses.

167. - Can I buy a pet... - Feeder mongooses.

168. What, um, do you feed them to?

169. I have no idea. But it's time to feed it.

170. - (LOUD BANGING) - You wanna feed it?

171. - No thanks! - (CREATURE GROWLING)

172. Okay, well, let me know if you need anything.

173. Tell the world my story.

174. - All I know is that you work at the pet store. - (CREATURE SNARLING)

175. Yeah, that's pretty much my story.

176. Well, here we go again.

177. That's right. I'm back and I want to make you another wager.

178. I bet you a solid gold teeny-tiny piccolo

179. that I can put on the best show

180. you'll ever see in this life or the next.

181. No! Don't!

182. Do you take the bet or not?

183. Aw, heck! You got a deal.

184. No! Stop! You're bankrupting us.

185. (LAUGHS) You're too late.

186. Please, I'm begging you. You can't...

187. You want a show? I'll give you a show. Ha-ha!

188. Go for pyrotechnic.

189. Laser show-stage left!

190. You want spoons? I'll give you spoons...

191. - times six! - (SPOONS CLACKING)

192. Plus, Cassius and Brutus are on the saw and washboard.

193. We got jokes!

194. What did the horse say to the chicken?

195. This show is bankrupting us.

196. That was some show, mister.

197. You got me beat. No contest.

198. I guess you'll be wanting my soul now?

199. (PANTING) No. No, I don't want your soul.

200. I'll just take the gold banjos back, please.

201. Okay. If'in that's all you want.

202. Here you go.

203. See? (SCOFFS) I told you I'll get them back.

204. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's go.

205. - Say, Mr. Devil? - Yeah?

206. Before you go how about one last bet?

207. - Double or nothing? - Deal!

208. Oh! You're the worst!

209. Mmm, that's my job!

210. (READING) Chapter one.

211. Once upon a time there was a lonely toy maker.

212. I'm sorry, Mr. Gerardo. I'll have your rent. I promise.

213. I just need to sell a few more toys.

214. To who? You haven't had a costumer in years.

215. No one wants your toys and no one wants you.

216. But I want my money and I'll be back for it.

217. He's right you know. No one is going buy my toys.

218. But I suppose it's for the best.

219. I couldn't bear to part with my only friends.

220. If only these toys were alive to keep me company.

221. - Ah, who needs customers anyway. - (GASPS)

222. - I don't wanna get sold. - Yeah. We like it here.

223. Marionette, Ballerina, you're alive!

224. I'll say we are.

225. Oh, joyous day! It's a miracle.

226. You don't know what joy you've bought to this old heart.

227. - What was that? - (SIGHS)

228. It was a jack-in-the-box.

229. Gave me a real fright there.

230. That was terrible.

231. No, no. That's just what it does.

232. You see...

233. Why does he keep doing that? Why did you make him this way?

234. Is he like a punishment for bad children?

235. - No, he's just... (GASPS) - (TOY CREAKS)

236. He's just a toy that kids like.

237. Well, I don't know if they like it.

238. It's just a toy that kids have.

239. - Kind of like... - (ALL GASP)

240. Scared you. (LAUGHING)

241. So, are you all alive forever now or what?

242. How does this work?

243. You know I want us to enjoy ourselves tonight

244. but I'm not sure that I trust Janice to babysit our kids.

245. The Petersons from across the street got themselves a NannyCam.

246. It's a hidden camera that you put inside a bear and you leave it

247. with the rest of the kids' toys.

248. I made one myself.

249. This way we can always see what's going on.

250. That's clever.

251. So it's a camera that looks like a regular stuffed animal.

252. Right? You know they were talking about a teddy bear right?

253. Let's just check in real quick.

254. - (STATIC) - (SCREAMING) Why?

255. Oh, no! Janice!

256. - (JANICE WHIMPERING) - (OVER WALKIE-TALKIE) Janice!

257. - Are you eating my gelato? - (ROARS)

258. The Gelato is off-limits!

259. Do you hear me?

260. Yes. Yes! I'm sorry.

261. - I promise I won't... - (BEAR ROARS)

262. - Ah, this is nice. We don't do this enough. - (WHIMPERING)

263. I'm so glad you broke up with Mark.

264. He really was no good.

265. I know. (SIGHS)

266. I can't help it. I always fall for the bad boys.

267. Like that guy?

268. He seems pretty bad.

269. Oh, wow! He is bad.

270. He's really bad.

271. - Excuse me. - Ashley, no.

272. He's only going to hurt you.

273. - Hey, I saw your... (EXCLAIMS) - Oh, my gosh!

274. I am so sorry.

275. My lady, beautiful princess.

276. I dedicate my performance in this joust to you,

277. as the fairest maiden mine eyes have ever beheld.

278. No, I dedicate my performance in this joust to you.

279. For mine eyes beheld you first, my lady.

280. My lady, I dedicate my performance in this argument to you.

281. You stink. Your horse, as well, emits an odor most foul.

282. My lady.

283. My lady, I dedicate my comeback to you.

284. It takes one to know one. You double-stinking horse man!

285. - My lady! - (CROWD GASPS)

286. Sir Adam here would like to dedicate his performance

287. in this battle against himself to you.

288. For he doth endeavor to strike himself about the face and neck

289. despite reasonable entreaties on my behalf

290. that he may cease to strike himself about the face and neck.

291. My lady...

292. I would so dedicate this fight, but no!

293. I do not strike myself willingly.

294. My lady!

295. I dedicate my finger to you

296. and being so dedicated it cannot fail to find its mark.

297. And when I stick it in Sir Anthony's ear...

298. - (SCREAMS) - Fairly shall he know

299. that my finger is the wettest in all the land,

300. as befit my lady of eminent grace.

301. My lady? - (SIR ANTHONY WHIMPERING)

302. - (GRUNTS) - Where... Where is my lady?

303. Run! It's my lady!

304. It's my lady but, yeah, indeed we must run.

305. - My lady. - She is my lady. Run from my lady.

306. (READING) Chapter six.

307. The lonely toymaker's life is soon to become even lonelier,

308. for her magical toys had been stolen by the wicked Mr. Gerardo.

309. Ah, yes! My pretty little toys.

310. You belong to me now.

311. - Let us go! - (CACKLES)

312. Not so fast, my pretty.

313. Nobody has ever seen a walking, talking toy before.

314. And if you tell anyone I stole you,

315. nobody will ever see one again.

316. - What was that? - That was Jack.

317. That was... I'm shaking. What?

318. What kind of a toy is a jack-in-the-box anyway?

319. - We know. - I mean it isn't like some...

320. - (ALL SCREAM) - Jack, come on!

321. - I can't take this. - (LAUGHS)

322. On second thought, I'll let the toymaker's rent slide another couple months.

323. I'm going to take you guys back.

324. - No, please. - No. Don't send us back.

325. Just return the jack-in-the-box and keep us.

326. We like it here.

327. He laughs in his sleep.

328. You don't like it here.

329. - (TOY CREAKS) - You...

330. You just hate the jack-in-the-box.

331. Didn't you hear my song? I was going to work you until the end of time.

332. If you do what you love, you'll never work a day in your life.

333. - Huh. - You know, that's awfully profound

334. - coming from a... - (YELLS) I love my job!

335. - Jack! - (LAUGHS)

336. Living the dream. (LAUGHING)

337. For my next trick I shall pull a rabbit out of my hat.

338. Now I shall make a rabbit disappear.

339. Now I shall levitate a rabbit.

340. Now I shall saw a rabbit in half.

341. He's going to what?

342. This is weird. All your tricks involve rabbits.

343. No. Just the good ones.

344. Like pulling a rabbit out of someone's ear.

345. Or how about cups and rabbits.

346. Passing a candle through a rabbit.

347. (CHUCKLES) Oh, I've got it.

348. Prepared to be astounded and amazed

349. - by my Chinese linking rabbits. - (AUDIENCE GASPS)

350. - No! - Ew! What is wrong with you?

351. What?

352. You were into it when a rabbit came out of my hat.

353. Uh, yeah, 'cause that's normal.

354. (SCOFFS) Are you saying it would be "normal" if a sawed a woman in half

355. instead of a rabbit? That's "Normal?"

356. Well, not normal per se.

357. Exactly. What's normal about magic?

358. And furthermore, who's even to say what's normal in the first place?

359. Why, there are certain people who would say

360. my marriage to my wife isn't normal.

361. Is it because she's a rabbit?

362. - She's not a rabbit. She's a woman. - (APPLAUDING)

363. And this is our son.

364. - Uh... - He's not a rabbit either.

365. - He's a hare. - (AUDIENCE BOOING)

366. Don't you boo him!

367. Don't you boo my son!

368. Quick, gather the food my children.

369. Today's Take Your Daughter to Work Day!

370. My dad's a lawyer, so we're going to his office.

371. My mom's a doctor, so we are going to the ER.

372. My dad's a genie, so we go into this lamp.

373. And then what do you do?

374. Ugh! We just wait.

375. Come on, sweetheart. We've got a lot more

376. quietly-sitting- inside-this-lamp to do.

377. Get your cramming stick.

378. Help cram me in please.

379. (READING) Chapter 33.

380. The lonely toymaker returns to her workshop

381. to make a startling discovery.

382. Hello, toymaker.

383. Oh, look, it's the toys.

384. You're back. All three of you.

385. That's right. We escaped from Mr. Gerardo

386. and traversed the sea to...

387. Who's that one?

388. I'm the magical fairy who granted your wish

389. for your toys to come to life and fill your heart with joy.

390. That was you! Thanks for that.

391. Your marionette and ballerina have made a wish of their own.

392. They wish to be a real boy and girl.

393. - Whoa! I'm not really... - (RECORD SCRATCHES)

394. I'm not really set up for that.

395. Oh, relax. We just wanna be real so we can live normal lives.

396. And go our separate ways.

397. Let's just do the spell and get out of here.

398. Now all your toys are made out of meat!

399. - It worked. - Look at us!

400. Yeah, yeah. Being real is great.

401. So did you say, "All the toys?"

402. - Should we check? - I'm not checking.

403. Fine. Jack, if you're in there

404. do not jump out at me. I'm serious.

405. He's not here...

406. Ha! This is great!

407. I don't have to be a jack-in-the-box anymore.

408. Now I can be a jack-in-the-closet,

409. - or a jack-under-your-bed. - (GASPS)

410. A jack-in-the- backseat-of-your-car.

411. (LAUGHS) See you around.

412. Uh, can we just be regular toys again?

413. Yeah, yeah, okay.

414. Where are you going?

415. This is the only place I know Jack won't be

416. so, uh, good luck.

417. (SIGHS) Being lonely is not so bad.

418. (READING) And so ends the tale of the lonely toymaker who...

419. (CHUCKLES) Scared you.

420. Don't you boo my son!