Right Now Kapow 1x2

1. PLAYING)

2. ROWD JEERING) AUGHS) Yeah, cut the music.

3. Boo! You cheated.

4. Yeah, but the referee didn't catch me.

5. I guess what you don't know can hurt you.

6. None of your precious heroes can stop the Bash Master.

7. When I look around this arena, do you know what I see?

8. A bunch of losers!

9. - That's right. And you know who else is a bunch of losers?

10. Your local sports team.

11. And don't get me started on the roads in this town.

12. Full of potholes!

13. And you know what else is falling apart?

14. Your town's public school system.

15. Your priorities are all whack!

16. He's got a point.

17. And you're woefully unprepared for a snowstorm.

18. This town is a joke.

19. What do we do, Bash Master?

20. For starters, you got to balance your budget.

21. - You said it, Bash Master.

22. Yeah.

23. You've got to responsibly cut spending and raise taxes.

24. Hate taxes.

25. Boo all you want. You're booing yourselves.

26. I tell it like it is.

27. You're losers and you'll always be losers.

28. Unless you make a change.

29. That is why I, the Bash Master,

30. am formally announcing my candidacy

31. for mayor!

32. Yeah, for the Bash Master, you jerks!

33. Bash Master!

34. We've been robbed by Jimmy "The Chin" Malone.

35. What did you call me?

36. The Chin. You're Jimmy "The Chin" Malone, right?

37. Everybody calls you that.

38. You did good, Jimmy. This is a real nice haul.

39. I guess.

40. What's the matter? You should be happy.

41. - I don't wanna talk about it. - Suit yourself.

42. Bugsy, do I have a big chin?

43. Whoa, what?

44. Some people at the bank were, uh, making fun of it.

45. They called me Jimmy "The Chin" Malone.

46. Innocent bystanders can be so cruel.

47. - My life is over. - Oh, hey.

48. So what if you have a big chin, huh? That's what makes you unique.

49. When people say you have a big chin,

50. you say, "Yeah, I do and I like it."

51. Because you should like it. It belongs to you.

52. Yeah, yeah. I'm proud of who I am.

53. I feel like shouting from the mountaintops.

54. Listen up, world,

55. I'm Jimmy "The Chin" Malone,

56. - and I'm not gonna hide anymore.

57. - Okey-dokey. - Ugh!

58. Now, add a little onion,

59. a pinch of salt, and the final ingredient is a secret.

60. Psst, I'm wearing a toupee.

61. Oh, boy, we're high up.

62. Don't worry, I've done this 100 times and I know which way we're goin'.

63. - Down!

64. - What was that? - Oh, shoot!

65. We missed.

66. - Missed what? - We missed the Earth, we just passed it.

67. - That can happen? - Let's pull you in, turn around.

68. When you see the Earth,

69. let me know and I'll turn toward it.

70. What? I think that was it.

71. You think so?

72. Let's just keep goin'.

73. I don't wanna turn around too soon.

74. Yeah, we went too far.

75. Welcome to the first of two debates in the mayoral race

76. between the incumbent mayor, Sherry Markakis...

77. And three-time world champion,

78. hailing from parts unknown,

79. weighing in at 300 pounds,

80. the Bash Master!

81. Bash Master, let's begin with you.

82. You once said, and I'm quoting here,

83. "Men want to be me and women want to be near me."

84. Do you stand by those remarks?

85. I do, and in fact I'd like to expand on them. What I mean to say is...

86. - Mayor Markakis, you talk about

87. your "four more years."

88. Well, the Bash Master says it's more like three more seconds!

89. - One, two, three.

90. On election day, prepare to get bashed. Yeah!

91. Madam Mayor, your rebuttal.

92. Has everyone gone crazy?

93. What do we even know about this guy?

94. The only things we know are,

95. he likes to make children cry

96. - and he once threw his best friend...

97. off the top of a ladder.

98. May I remind you,

99. I reunited with him for the tag team championship.

100. - Where I betrayed him again, yeah!

101. - The Bash Master, master of bashing!

102. Did anyone hear what he just said? Anyone?

103. It was pretty terrible.

104. Also, you're not supposed to talk during my turn.

105. You're breaking the rules of the debate.

106. Oops, too bad my manager is distracting the moderator.

107. - Oh! Hey. Oh. Hey, oh. - Yes. Yes, I see you. Hello.

108. I'm the man with the plan and you're the mayor with no prayer.

109. Come election day, it's gonna be a landslide.

110. Landslide is the name of my finishing move.

111. That's all the time we have.

112. Tune in next week for our second and final debate.

113. - A wrestling match scheduled for one fall

114. - with the town mayorship on the line.

115. Bye, Dad. Promise I'll be home by curfew.

116. Hold on a minute,

117. you're not leaving this house dressed like that.

118. Dad, come on, everyone is wearing this.

119. Why don't you wear those nice starfish your grandmother got you?

120. Dad, no!

121. Starfish.

122. - Boy, sure is scary out here.

123. Then it's the perfect time to tell

124. a scary story.

125. It better be real scary.

126. Oh, don't worry. It's a good one.

127. - It happened a few miles from here,

128. just a couple years back.

129. A group of deranged prisoners escaped from the state prison.

130. They caught them all except for one.

131. - I've heard this story. Tell something else.

132. Yeah, or just stop telling it altogether.

133. - They say that she's still out there,

134. sneaking through the woods,

135. looking for the light of a campfire just like this one.

136. And when she finds one,

137. she just lurks there in the darkness and waits.

138. Waits for what?

139. For you to call her the name that drives her insane,

140. Knifehand Sharon.

141. No, no, that's not her name.

142. Her name's Sawhand Sharon.

143. No, it's not Sawhand. Shoot, why can't I remember it. It's like,

144. the most important part of the story.

145. "Wrenchhand"? "Breakhand"?

146. It's Hookhand Sharon. "Forkhand"?

147. Hook! "Hookhand"! - Oh.

148. "Shovelhand". Oh, wait, am I just saying that

149. because "shovel" kind of sounds like "Sharon"?

150. Ugh, no, "Hook"! Guys, I got it!

151. - It's a hook!

152. Oh, yeah, that's it.

153. But we're getting her first name wrong too.

154. It's, uh... It's Hookhand Sherelle.

155. "Cheryl"? No, Sherelle.

156. I specifically remember it was a strange pronunciation

157. - just like my babysitter. No, it was Sharon!

158. You know, I'm thinking it might not even be a hook after all.

159. It definitely is. No, guys, that's not her name.

160. It... I just remembered what it is.

161. She waits just outside of the fire for you to call her the name

162. that drives her insane... Shovelhand Sherelle!

163. It's Hookhand Sharon, see!

164. Not "Shovelhand Sherelle"!

165. Who has shovels for...

166. It's Shovelhand Sherelle!

167. My hook! I know!

168. Bash Master!

169. Bash Master!

170. Why is this happening?

171. - Oh, I just want to talk about infrastructure.

172. And I want to talk about body slams!

173. - Time for the Landslide! Yeah!

174. - Do it, Bash Master. Finish her!

175. Oh, I'll end it, all right.

176. Because when I deliver a Landslide, there's no coming back.

177. A Landslide means the job is done.

178. There's nothing the Bash Master can't Landslide.

179. What about our soaring unemployment rate?

180. I'm gonna Landslide it!

181. And the housing shortage?

182. I'm gonna Landslide it.

183. What about the erosion down by the creek

184. that's causing landslides?

185. I'm gonna buttress it!

186. Yeah! Bash Master!

187. - Oh!

188. No!

189. Your winner and still the mayor,

190. Sherry "The Pulverizer" Markakis.

191. She cheated!

192. That's right!

193. I cheated and the ref didn't see it.

194. There's nothing you losers can do about it.

195. I've got you for four more years

196. and I'm going to make your lives a waking nightmare!

197. Ugh! Why do we live here?

198. Help! Somebody help!

199. - Hmm? Please.

200. Please, somebody help!

201. You, you there.

202. You gotta help me. I've fallen into this well.

203. - A magic wishing well. No.

204. No, this is just a regular well.

205. No wishes, just waist-deep water.

206. Then why do you talk?

207. What do you mean, why do I talk?

208. If you're not a magic wishing well, then why do you talk?

209. Are you kidding?

210. I'm not a talking well. I'm a guy who fell down a well

211. and I need help out.

212. Ow, hey!

213. Nice try, tricky wishing well.

214. You just pelted me with a nickel.

215. Wishing wells grant your wishes,

216. but if you're not careful, they'll trick you.

217. For my wish, I want a new laptop.

218. Seriously? You're not gonna help me?

219. Yup, that's my wish.

220. Fine, poof! Your laptop is down here at the bottom of the well.

221. Now, drop a ladder down here so you can come and get it.

222. Nice try, tricky wishing well.

223. I know the laptop is ruined by the water down there.

224. No, no, it's not.

225. I should have never trusted a tricky wishing well.

226. It's not ruined.

227. It's totally dry. Look, I'm surfing the Internet right now.

228. Please, come back. Please!

229. First night of the bowling league, who are we playing?

230. You're playing the Harlem Bowl Trotters.

231. - Oh, no. - The who?

232. You've never heard of the Trotters?

233. Kid, you don't know what you're pinned for.

234. Ugh! The Harlem Bowl Trotters are a bunch of clowns and goofballs

235. who use the flashy brand of bowling they learned on the streets

236. to make league night a lot of fun to watch,

237. and a nightmare to play against.

238. That's right! And we're going to kick you to the gutter.

239. Psych!

240. And the Bowl Trotters score a total of no points...

241. - ... due to multiple rule infractions

242. and illegal maneuvers.

243. It was a close one, guys.

244. We'll get 'em next time.

245. Well, that means we won. So I guess that's something.

246. And since the bowling alley is in complete shambles,

247. the league is canceled for the rest of the season...

248. Again.

249. Food fight!

250. Wow! You're the best there ever was, champ!

251. Someday, I'm gonna pitch for the majors.

252. I work for big league baseball

253. and, kid, you got the skills we need.

254. You're gonna give the people in the stands

255. exactly what they want.

256. Peanuts here.

257. Exactly what you want, peanuts.

258. I'm a busy lady with a car company to run.

259. You've got five minutes to impress me, science guy.

260. Which is all I need to show you my latest invention,

261. the Clean Car 5000.

262. Huh.

263. You hear that? That's the sound of a perfectly silent engine.

264. Nope, it's the sound of you boring me.

265. What else you got?

266. Well, the Clean Car 5000 creates no pollution whatsoever

267. because of a cheap liquid fuel I invented.

268. Why, just a tablespoon of Snake Magnet

269. can run the car for 100 miles.

270. That's amazing. This will change the world.

271. Why, this car could...

272. - Did you say "Snake Magnet"? - Yeah, just a fun little nickname

273. I came up with for the fuel.

274. Wanna know why I call it Snake Magnet?

275. Is it because it attracts snakes?

276. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

277. - It attracts and angers them.

278. Uh-huh.

279. Oh, don't worry. Not all snakes,

280. only poisonous ones.

281. And poisonous lizards.

282. And all lizards.

283. And some bears.

284. So... What do you think?

285. I think the snakes are getting in the car.

286. I also think that.

287. My love, where are you, my love?

288. I've come to the well under the starlight, as we planned.

289. - Answer my call, please, my love.

290. Huh? Who's there? Help!

291. I fell down here, you have to help me.

292. Who... Who is that?

293. It's me. The guy in the well.

294. I fell down here and I can't get out.

295. Have you seen my true love?

296. What? No!

297. I'm at the bottom of a well.

298. You need to get me some help.

299. Yes, but my true love and I plan to meet here

300. at this well, under the starlight.

301. But he's nowhere to be found.

302. Yeah, I'm that guy.

303. Oh, my love, thank goodness I found you.

304. Yup, you sure did.

305. You and I can finally run away together

306. and make a home for ourselves

307. someplace far away from our rival families.

308. Yeah, somewhere out of this well, hopefully.

309. - Here... - Ooh!

310. Catch this bucket and I will hoist you up.

311. Just a little more.

312. Darling? - My love?

313. It's you!

314. No, don't stop. Just one more pull.

315. I've come to meet you at this well so we can run away together.

316. But if you're up here,

317. then who am I lifting out of this well?

318. I don't know, my darling, but there's no time.

319. Yes, there is.

320. There's time.

321. We must flee before our families discover we're missing.

322. No, no, no!

323. Only a kiss could wake the princess from her eternal slumber.

324. Snore.

325. Oh, too bad. She didn't wake up.

326. Uh...

327. - It looked like she did. - No, she's still sleeping.

328. Sleep, sleep, sleep.

329. Okay, she's definitely awake.

330. Snore, snore. No, I'm not. Snore.

331. I'm afraid she only seems awake,

332. for you see,

333. the princess lies in a doomed slumber

334. that will continue until a prince...

335. Handsomer prince.

336. - Snore. - A handsomer prince wakes her up.

337. - What? - Until then,

338. woe is us.

339. - Hey, I'm plenty handsome. Sleep, sleep, sleep.

340. And FYI, no one says "sleep" when they're actually sleeping.

341. I guess this one does. Anyway, thanks for coming.

342. Leave us now in our interminable woe to await the next prince.

343. Tell your friends, et cetera, et cetera...

344. There's no one else coming.

345. Everyone else got sick of trying to wake her up.

346. I'm the last prince.

347. Snore, snore... Sidebar.

348. Okay, he just said he was the last prince.

349. What are we going to do?

350. It seems like at this point we don't have any other option, so...

351. No, come on, what about...

352. - What about if I, like, date a frog and kiss a frog. - Yeah.

353. Yeah, that's not going to go down.

354. So, looks like we gotta go ahead on this one.

355. Oh, shoot.

356. Oh, charming prince. We beseech you to kiss the princess again.

357. I have a feeling it will work this time.

358. It worked.

359. Oh, a kiss from my handsome-ish prince has woken me.

360. And now I shall go on one whole date with him.

361. - Don't sleeping princesses usually marry their... - Rejoice,

362. the princess is awake and dating this okay-looking guy.

363. - Oh, our little bundle of joy is finally home.

364. And look what my mom sent over,

365. my childhood teddy bear.

366. Ugh! We're not making our daughter sleep with this thing.

367. - It's terrifying. - Oh, come on.

368. I slept with it for years and I turned out fine.

369. - You scared me a little there.

370. - Whew!

371. Hello?

372. Is anyone down at the bottom of this well?

373. Yes, are you serious?

374. Yes, I've been down here for days.

375. Just what I thought.

376. There's a ghost in the well.

377. What? What did you say?

378. Oh, no. Did she leave? Hello?

379. - Why would you just leave?

380. I'm back.

381. Oh, thank goodness.

382. I thought you abandoned me, like the others.

383. Nope, that would be dangerous.

384. I can't tell you how many close calls I've had.

385. I thought for sure you were just going to leave me down...

386. Uh... What are you doing?

387. I can't let the ghost escape out of this well.

388. So, I'm sealing it up.

389. What? No! No, you can't do that. I'm not a ghost.

390. I swear, I'm not a ghost. Don't seal me in here.

391. Well, if you're not a ghost, then prove it.

392. Uh, okay, sure. How should I prove it?

393. Uh...

394. Fly up here and walk through some stuff.

395. Uh, I can't do that because I'm not a ghost.

396. Hmm, good point.

397. Okay, uh, new plan.

398. Hello? Where'd you go?

399. - Hello? - Ah...

400. No, what are you...

401. Great, now we're both trapped in the well.

402. - Yeah, but at least I know you're not a ghost. - Great.

403. Hey, what's this laptop doing here?

404. Wait, there really is a laptop down here?

405. Do you know what that means?

406. People throw their trash in this well?

407. No, that means this actually is a magic wishing well.

408. And I wish that we weren't inside this well!

409. Yeah, it's just trash.