Rick and Morty 8x9

1. I gotta ask, is someone requesting pancakes

2. because it feels like we eat them all the time.

3. It just says, "The hospital."

4. Bold caller I.D.

5. Hello? Oh. H-Hey, Junior.

6. Oh, geez.

7. Oh. Oh, okay. Yeah. Bye.

8. That was my son...

9. Morty Jr., with the hands,

10. you know, coming out of his head.

11. Oh fuuuuuuck that guy!

12. Ugh. Boo.

13. - Guys! Come on! - Morty.

14. He wrote a "New York Times" bestseller

15. about what a bad dad you are.

16. It made us look bad for raising you.

17. From one writer to another, the guy is a hack piece of shit.

18. It's okay to hate your kids, Morty.

19. But he called from the hospital.

20. You think he's dying?

21. Who cares?

22. Well, it's not me.

23. Oh, shit. Our table's ready.

24. OMG!

25. Summer made me get a reservation for us

26. at some dumb Pre-Cog restaurant.

27. It's the toast of Food-Tok.

28. They predetermine what you'd want to eat

29. before you even get there.

30. Time to see if this place is worth having to go to it.

31. It'll beat this shit.

32. Opa!

33. Hey, Morty. Sorry about your terrible son.

34. I say let him die alone in that hospital bed.

35. Damn. Rule of threes, huh?

36. Oh! My vibrator.

37. Sorry, honey.

38. Our vibrator.

39. What, do you want me to pull it out and show it to you?

40. - We're good. - Let's get the hell out of here.

41. Jesus Christ.

42. Welcome back to "Downbeat: The Game The Show."

43. Contestants, you know the rules.

44. Father, you came.

45. Junior. Wow, you got old fast.

46. Well, time flies when you're a Gazorpian.

47. I suppose you read the book.

48. It was hard to avoid for a while.

49. Yeah, you said some tough stuff

50. to a pretty wide audience.

51. I'm... sorry.

52. Hey, that's family, I guess.

53. Can't help but notice you're... dying?

54. I didn't ask you here

55. to talk about that.

56. I was hoping you'd help me make peace with my mother.

57. Ohh... yeah. That might be tough.

58. Um, the thing is, your mother was...

59. A semen receptacle?

60. Oh. You, uh, you heard. Huh?

61. I know she was made to process seed

62. and never technically alive,

63. but I'd still like to pay my respects.

64. Well, see, I'm not proud of where she ended up.

65. You think I'm proud of any of my life choices?

66. Yeah, I did hear about the, uh,

67. the soft canceling.

68. Oh.

69. I didn't take any joy from it.

70. You know what? Let's— Let's see what we can do.

71. I love when restaurants have a big tank.

72. I don't know, this aesthetic

73. really clashes with the table buzzer.

74. Smith, party of two.

75. Oh, my God. So worth it.

76. Perfectly predicted.

77. Oh, I did want this, but I never saw it coming.

78. Oh, snap, the wooden balls.

79. You think the cogs are behind there?

80. Who cares? This place is all gimmick.

81. Are you grumpy about everything?

82. They bring you food and you eat it.

83. Ooh, that's totally us.

84. What do you think I ordered, ribs? No, boring.

85. Space ribs.

86. Oh, nice. Morlackian fawn.

87. Aside its mother's tentacle.

88. Mm. Pretty good.

89. See? Lay it on me.

90. Avocado toast?

91. With cracked pepper on top.

92. O... kay.

93. I mean, pepper's pretty normal.

94. So are you. You brought us to a restaurant from the Internet.

95. Ew. Okay.

96. Yes, I guess I deserve this.

97. You're not pranking me?

98. No, no, this is where Gwendolyn was laid to rest.

99. Is this your trash bin?

100. Rick's... gar-bage por-tal.

101. Uh, it doesn't sound any better.

102. Look, I told you I wasn't proud of this.

103. Alright then.

104. "Mother,

105. I'm told your mouth was always open.

106. But I'm sure your heart was as well."

107. Ah, who am I kidding? This sucks.

108. Wait. I-I see you're making a move to go in.

109. I will go in first. Okay?

110. Morty Jr.: Whoa!

111. How much stuff does your grandfather throw away?

112. A lot.

113. He likes to get drunk and invent stuff

114. that doesn't make any sense.

115. Pretty wasteful.

116. Yeah, that's why Rick built Salva-tron—

117. a self-replicating system

118. that filters the trash for anything valuable.

119. Oh, they're coming over. Just a formality.

120. Salva-tron: Value detected. Value detected.

121. Uh... hmm.

122. Uh, hesitancy detected?

123. Yeah. What's up?

124. Uh, it's just if I find anything of value,

125. I have to tell Rick about it.

126. Okay.

127. And, you know, talking to Rick can be dicey.

128. I mean, the last Salva-tron found a bag of diamonds,

129. and Rick yelled at them about how diamonds are bullshit.

130. Right. But I'm his grandson.

131. How do I know he didn't throw his grandson away?

132. Sorry, pal, but I can't risk it.

133. Good news is, you will look like trash when I'm done.

134. Run!

135. How was that good news?

136. Mmm-mmm.

137. Even the plate tastes good.

138. What's the story with dessert?

139. Can I just ask for lava cake?

140. Or do I have to think it at them?

141. Alright, I'll try it.

142. Maybe I'm missing something.

143. No! It's just fucking avocado toast!

144. And the avocado's not even that ripe.

145. Summer, this place runs on future-predicty

146. pre-cog bullshit.

147. You don't want to get caught up in that.

148. - I'm gonna say something. - No! Summer!

149. You're not Morty. I can't just grab you.

150. Which one of you assholes—

151. Did this to me?

152. Hey, no finishing my sentences.

153. You're wrong about me.

154. I want hype, sophisticated space food

155. with an element of cruelty in its preparation.

156. Come on, Sum-Sum, they're clearly luring us

157. into some complicated, 12-steps-ahead examination

158. of determinism and causality.

159. Anything you do here pulls us further into their bullshit.

160. - I'm— - Pre-Cogs: More complex than that.

161. - I said stop that! - I said stop that!

162. Ohh! You guys think you know everything

163. with your big heads and slimming bodysuits,

164. but maybe you won't see this!

165. Ow! Fuck!

166. Jesus, Summer! You hit it with a pan?

167. I thought it would see it coming.

168. I even teed it up a little.

169. Summer Smith, come out with your hands up.

170. You are under arrest.

171. - How'd the cops get here so fast? - They obviously—

172. Pre-Cogs: Called in a tip ahead of time.

173. Ohh! You like that?

174. You like us saying the same thing at the same time?

175. 'Cause that could be the whole story, Summer.

176. Except it won't, because—

177. Pre-Cogs: The cops are surrounding us.

178. Shut up! We're stuck in this now.

179. The only reason I haven't burned this place to the ground

180. is because the cogs probably want that.

181. Rick Sanchez will realize the cogs are a better hang.

182. What? That would only be true if—

183. The cogs only want what he wants.

184. - Okay. What do I want? - Dessert!

185. It is already ordered.

186. Pre-Cog 2: To a cool safehouse.

187. I'm listening.

188. You're flipping sides over dessert?

189. Hey, I like my meal.

190. But this is exactly what you said they'd do to me.

191. Yeah. And you got us into this mess.

192. New plan, Summer, we're taking these cogs to go.

193. Come back!

194. Maybe I just need to scan you again.

195. Guys? Hello?

196. I see a bunch of rubble.

197. Is it safe to say I killed you?

198. Salva-tron, you've done it again.

199. Ah! Junior!

200. Oh, God. Are you okay?

201. I hope I didn't speed up your death.

202. I'm alright... I-I think. Is that

203. a walking pizza box?

204. It's not safe here. Come quickly.

205. We call it Garbtopia because it's made of garbage.

206. Yeah, I got it.

207. So Salva-tron's just been attacking everything?

208. If it's all garbage, there's no need to tell Rick.

209. Morty Jr.: Look at all these eclectic survivors.

210. Yeah, there was a while

211. where Rick's inventions could all walk and talk.

212. Hey, big boy. Wanna drain that python?

213. Ehh, it was a short period.

214. Hey, uh, we're looking for someone.

215. Can you help us?

216. I think I saw her in the graveyard.

217. Down that tunnel over there.

218. Oh, and the pizza points the way.

219. Wish you hadn't shit it on the ground.

220. I'm kind of hungry. Junior?

221. Gobliniduss, claim your magic power!

222. But how do I find it?

223. It's the enchanted Goblin series.

224. Yeah, it's like our Bible down here.

225. I wrote "Enchanted Goblin."

226. All seven books.

227. I guess you really enjoyed that box set I sent you.

228. We have a complicated relationship!

229. No, no,

230. my first book wouldn't exactly have left you aching for more.

231. That's all in the past, son.

232. I'm glad we're on this adventure together.

233. Now, what do you say we go see your dead mom?

234. Summer Smith, 2:00.

235. She complains about you having a good time.

236. Don't get in the water.

237. I need a dry person to hand me things.

238. We've been here for hours.

239. By design, it's called holing up.

240. Relax.

241. Have some of the giant eclair they knew would delight me.

242. It really is so fun that it's big.

243. Summer Smith will not relax.

244. Yeah, because Rick's hanging with you guys instead of me.

245. Summer, you threw a pan at them and they took us to a pool.

246. The cogs are great.

247. Check this out.

248. See this? We didn't rehearse it at all.

249. So much for being trapped in its cog bullshit.

250. Weren't you all worried about its end game?

251. Summer, this is its endgame. It loves me.

252. And if it wanted to be free,

253. it could leave at any time it wants.

254. Open-door policy.

255. - Gasp! - Oh, come on.

256. Like you didn't know I'd do that.

257. Why are you sulking?

258. You wanted to be at a restaurant with cogs.

259. This is nominally different at best.

260. I wanted to be at a restaurant with you.

261. I just wanted you to try some cool shit with me.

262. Summer, you wanted me on this dumb hang

263. because deep down, you think you know what I want.

264. This thing actually knows before I even want it.

265. Mmm. Wow. Eclair's good wet, too.

266. Pre-Cogs: Rick does Jell-O shots.

267. Rick does Jell-O shots.

268. These cogs know what's up.

269. Jell-O shot delivery.

270. Can you grab 'em, Summer?

271. This is why it's good to have someone out of the pool.

272. - I— - Pre-Cogs: Hate these cog assholes.

273. I love you guys.

274. Shots, shots, shots!

275. My God.

276. Yeah, I guess one man's trash

277. is another man's beautiful cemetery?

278. Looks like there's a sex-robot section

279. over that way.

280. There she is.

281. Hello, Mother.

282. It's me, your baby boy.

283. I wish I could have known you.

284. She was the finest I ever had.

285. Well, top three. Top five, at least.

286. Oh, top five, eh?

287. There's a lot more than five, too.

288. It's high praise.

289. Your mom could really throw it back.

290. Oh, I know a thing or two about ranking

291. whom I've slept with.

292. Oh, yeah?

293. Two words— Heather Locklear.

294. That's my boy.

295. Thank you for bringing me here... Dad.

296. You're welcome, son. I'm happy we did this.

297. So... are... we!

298. God! Who are you?

299. L-Let us go!

300. I am that which should not be.

301. I am the trash of the trash.

302. They don't let me live with everyone else.

303. Human boy. Rick spawn.

304. I know you can open the door to the up-above.

305. Salva-tron will kill us up there!

306. I'll take my chances.

307. I'm sorry, Junior.

308. I was a horrible father.

309. I didn't understand the consequences of anything.

310. And now this thing's gonna kill us

311. when you were already dying.

312. I'm the fucking worst.

313. Well, I'm— I'm not actually dying.

314. - What? - You just sort of inferred.

315. Projected, really. I never said out loud I was dying.

316. What?

317. I needed material for my new book.

318. A sequel to "My Horrible Father."

319. It's my only book that made money.

320. Let me punch him! Let me punch my asshole son!

321. You're both assholes.

322. That conversation you just had about ranking women was gross.

323. It was trash planet talk.

324. - So is this! - Oh!

325. - Ugh. - No! Junior!

326. Junior!

327. Just another day in Garbtopia.

328. - Let's ride. - No!

329. You suck! My kid sucked, too,

330. but I didn't want him to die.

331. Shut up!

332. - Open it with your meat paddle! - No!

333. Looks like we got a Scenario 3 here, Morty.

334. You're clearly leading some kind of trash rebellion

335. or something is wearing your skin.

336. I don't know, I only recorded three scenarios,

337. and the other two are about you doing a Goonies.

338. Anyway, talk to Salva-tron. They'll sort this out.

339. No, not Salva-tron!

340. Rick, it's not a Scenario 3!

341. No! Make that ladder come down!

342. I'm trying! I don't want to be here either!

343. Aw, man, you're still alive?

344. And what's this fucking thing?

345. This is not good for me.

346. Oh!

347. I have to get back...

348. to my wife.

349. Ah, shit.

350. Crawl out farther so I can shoot you.

351. Why would I do that? Ugh!

352. Fine. I'll do it myself.

353. Seriously?

354. This trash is not sturdy.

355. Alright. I'm actually gonna go check this time.

356. There's tunnels down here? Ah, geez.

357. Yoo-hoo!

358. Talk about value detected.

359. Aah!

360. She had more value than you could ever know.

361. Junior! You're alive?

362. Courtesy of my loyal fans here.

363. These autograph hounds found me dying in the cemetery,

364. patched me up and tunneled us to you.

365. You really found your audience, huh?

366. I'm sorry for trying to sell you out again.

367. The only thing that ever made me valuable was...

368. trashing you.

369. I'm so broke, Dad.

370. There are so many paternity lawsuits.

371. Let's just say "The New Yorker" has been sniffing around.

372. Listen, Salva-tron knows about the tunnels.

373. We got to warn everyone. Also, can you sign this now?

374. What the...

375. Hello? Summer?

376. I think the cogs drugged me and bailed.

377. Summer?

378. Aah!

379. Summer Smith drugs the cogs! Summer Smith drugs the cogs!

380. Picked up on that, huh?

381. Like you didn't know this was coming?

382. Summer Smith gets us killed.

383. That's right. Or the cogs tell the truth.

384. Is avocado toast what I wanted?

385. What?

386. Is avocado toast what I wanted?

387. Okay, okay. It wasn't.

388. And I'm a good hang.

389. You are. You were right. We used you

390. to get to your grandpa to get to you.

391. Damn right.

392. I knew I wasn't a basic avocado-ass bitch,

393. so let's just get to where you want to get

394. so I can be free of this story.

395. We're down.

396. - Oh, shit. - Give me back my cogs!

397. Sorry, Grandpa!

398. You said not to get caught up in cog bullshit.

399. So I'm doing the opposite of that.

400. This isn't the opposite of that.

401. Summer Smith makes a hard right in two seconds.

402. But that's a billboard.

403. She makes a hard right.

404. I'm trusting you guys!

405. Holy shit. You guys are amazing.

406. You don't deserve my bald little beauties.

407. She does a barrel roll.

408. You're ruining this, Summer!

409. All that future-predicty cog nonsense

410. was finally working for me.

411. Aah!

412. I thought you wanted to hang out today.

413. Not like this!

414. She pulls the parking brake.

415. Left. Right. Right. Left.

416. She runs her grandpa off the freeway!

417. Uh! Aah!

418. Trash people. My people.

419. - Salva-tron knows of Garbtopia. - No!

420. Our only chance is to take this battle to them!

421. Uh, if I may.

422. It would be suicide to take a run at Salva-tron's tower.

423. I agree.

424. Don't listen to him.

425. That's just Devil's Advocate bot.

426. I'm glad Rick trashed him.

427. Uh, if I may. You don't look glad.

428. Damn, what a noise.

429. The Horn of Gobliniduss is a reminder

430. that anything is possible.

431. It was blown before they toppled

432. Gobnobb the Elf Son in book two.

433. And Bluegalshmoo in book three.

434. Also the White Wizard in book four.

435. Alright, I get it. I went to the same well a lot.

436. You read "Enchanted Goblin"?

437. Yeah, I loved it.

438. I'm 14. I'm the target audience.

439. Salva-tron's at the gates!

440. Salva-tron: Value not detected.

441. Pow! Right in the pisser.

442. I fell for a urinal bomb?

443. That's so embarrassing!

444. Morty, my life was great until you showed up!

445. Eat shit in Hell, tower!

446. Watch out!

447. My people! Topple your oppressor!

448. Salva-tron: Don't... tell Rick... about this.

449. Poor Salva-tron. They were just like us,

450. afraid of being discarded.

451. But today we begin a new era,

452. where everyone has value, especially authors.

453. I'm still a little trash.

454. I guess you get it from your dad.

455. Right on time. This food truck is very busy.

456. Yeah, there's even

457. that staggering old man they mentioned.

458. - Jesus. - Wow.

459. You put us through all that just to help a burnt-out

460. restaurant staff start a food truck?

461. Basic.

462. She is more complex than that.

463. Damn. Great dog.

464. That's better than avocado toast?

465. You don't get nuance.

466. You sure you cogs don't want to keep hanging out?

467. Was it ever real?

468. Rick Sanchez doesn't want to hear the answer to that.

469. But if he did?

470. Ow. Ooh. Ow.

471. I tried the portal again.

472. No dice.

473. Rick really hates "The Goonies."

474. I think we're going to like it in Garbtopia.

475. In fact, I've taken a trash wife.

476. You've taken her?

477. We gave ourselves to each other.

478. I'd stay down here even if there was a way out.

479. They won't be able to make you

480. pay child support down here, huh?

481. Oh, Dad.

482. Look at the two of us, spending time together.

483. Yeah. This is nice.

484. Is that a food truck?

485. We're already gentrifying.

486. Rick! Rick! Rick, get me out of here!

487. Oh, God!

488. Don't worry. Our son won't be like him.

489. It's nothing personal. I'm only 14.

490. I gotta get out of here.

491. That was the last time I saw my father.

492. Once more, my mother's voice came to me,

493. carried on the wind.

494. "Be free, my son."

495. And somehow I did feel free.

496. My father was horrible and my mother was garbage.

497. But I knew myself now.

498. And somehow, that was enough.

499. - Told you. - That little shit.

500. I can't believe he got a book deal on Rick's trash moon.

501. Come on, we're boarding. You guys still read books?

502. Order 53, hot cog, Chicago style.

503. Uh, if I may,

504. I know there's zero substitutions,

505. but I would never want onions in my hot dog.

506. Yes, you do.

507. Uh, if I may, I do not.

508. You die of a massive coronary at the age of 43.

509. Uh, if— if—

510. if I may.

511. Boss wants to see you.

512. Is that a prediction or...?

513. Just go talk to him, Steve.

514. Did you get any of that?