1. Hey, Rick.Copy !req
2. Uh, need me for any adventures?Copy !req
3. - Huh?
- Adventures? Remember those?Copy !req
4. Oh, yeah, not right now, Morty,
but definitely next week though.Copy !req
5. You been saying that a while,Copy !req
6. so I think I'm gonna give you
a little nudgeCopy !req
7. by cashing in a few of these bad boys.Copy !req
8. Whoa, whoa.
We're still doing the punch card system?Copy !req
9. Never stopped.Copy !req
10. - Bam! Read 'em and weep.Copy !req
11. Fully punched cards, each entitling me
to an adventure of my choosing.Copy !req
12. - I don't make the rules.
- Yeah, I do, you little gremlin.Copy !req
13. - I did not stamp these.
- You never remember to stamp the cards.Copy !req
14. - You're always drunk.
- I didn't know we were still doing this!Copy !req
15. This stinks to high heaven, Morty,
I'm not accepting these.Copy !req
16. I knew you were gonna do this.
So I got receipts, bitch. I kept notes.Copy !req
17. This is gibberish.
"Isle of the Morty Saurs"?Copy !req
18. - "Takes One to Know One"?
- I make up titles for each adventure.Copy !req
19. You did the same for that MS read athon
at your school, and you didn't read shit.Copy !req
20. It's okay to lie
when you're fighting multiple sclerosis!Copy !req
21. - Or when you think you won't get caught.
- How are you gonna "catch" me?Copy !req
22. You done and did it now, little man.
That's your ass.Copy !req
23. Don't grift a grifter.
I got friends in cosmic places.Copy !req
24. Yeah, uh-huh. I need an audit.Copy !req
25. Oh, right, you were already watching.Copy !req
26. - I'll come get you.
- What is this?Copy !req
27. I am the Observer!Copy !req
28. You're so busted. You're so fucked.Copy !req
29. I observe all!Copy !req
30. They observe all, Morty.
Cosmic all-seeing species.Copy !req
31. - So?
- So they're universal police body-cams,Copy !req
32. but you can't turn them off
before you beat a minority.Copy !req
33. Or in your case,
before you cook the adventure books!Copy !req
34. - I don't do that!
- We gonna find out!Copy !req
35. Oh, I'm here for this.Copy !req
36. I bet 70% of these are bullshit.Copy !req
37. Quit your bitching and do the audit.
I got nothing to hide!Copy !req
38. Observer, give me Truth or Dare.Copy !req
39. - Christ, these names.
- It's shorthand!Copy !req
40. I have observed it!Copy !req
41. Now, gaze upon me and so shall you!Copy !req
42. Two attack patterns
and a glowing weak spot.Copy !req
43. - Legend of Zelda tutorial-ass bullshit.
- It was fun.Copy !req
44. Halt, unidentified adventurers!Copy !req
45. We are the guardians of this sanctuary.Copy !req
46. One of us tells only truths,
the other only lies.Copy !req
47. - You ever fucked this guy's wife?
- Yes.Copy !req
48. Well, how about that? He guessed right.Copy !req
49. - I forgive you!
- Oh, shit!Copy !req
50. - All right, next room.
- No, I wanna watch.Copy !req
51. - Did you see how one of them lied?
- Fine. I'll call that one legit.Copy !req
52. I'm not here to nitpick.
I'm here to find blatant fraud.Copy !req
53. Okay, show me Late Night Western.Copy !req
54. Morty, Morty, Morty,Copy !req
55. take me, drive me, take me.Copy !req
56. Want a Western bacon.Copy !req
57. - Morty, Western bacon now.
- Ugh.Copy !req
58. Yeah.Copy !req
59. - Before you say anything—
- I knew it! Busted!Copy !req
60. You're banned from that Carl's Jr.!Copy !req
61. That doesn't make the drive-thru
an adventure, Morty. Invalid.Copy !req
62. Sounds like it's anyone's game!Copy !req
63. Well, no, it's not a bet. It's an audit.Copy !req
64. Observer, show us
Maximum Overdrive with Clothes!Copy !req
65. - Whoa!Copy !req
66. At least this is better than cars.Copy !req
67. - Cars can run you over.Copy !req
68. Okay, no, this is worse.Copy !req
69. - Boom! Adventure, suck it.
- All right, fine.Copy !req
70. Uh, how about Whistlering Dixie?Copy !req
71. Whistler! What do you got
to tag and bag these bastards?Copy !req
72. Made this little puppy
after I bagged my first neck-rophiliac.Copy !req
73. Double-action triggers
pumping out 1400 kilosCopy !req
74. - of holy water per square inch.
- Uh...Copy !req
75. This old girl's got dry-aged,
Sicilian garlic expelling outCopy !req
76. at 3200 feet per second,Copy !req
77. is swaddled by 5200 solar-joules
of raw ultraviolet.Copy !req
78. - Yeah.
- And she's only getting started.Copy !req
79. I'm talking crucifix-shaped Chinese stars,
mirror-tipped wooden stakes and—Copy !req
80. Hello? Guys?Copy !req
81. That was just an old man rambling at us.Copy !req
82. People died!Copy !req
83. So, by your logic, 9/11 was an adventure?Copy !req
84. - Tweet it, see who agrees.
- Very well! Bear witness to 9/11!Copy !req
85. - No!
- Dude, don't. Just—Copy !req
86. You need to let us
throw to the stuff, okay?Copy !req
87. What's next? What the hell is Leg Day?Copy !req
88. Hey, look, Morty! I'm a leg!Copy !req
89. A leg, Morty! I'm Leg Rick!Copy !req
90. I'll give you that last one.Copy !req
91. What? I mean, I'll take it, but—Copy !req
92. - Check this out.
- That's clearly unlicensed.Copy !req
93. - License this!
- What are you doing?Copy !req
94. Hey, Smith, you look hungry!
How about some knuckle pie?Copy !req
95. What the—?Copy !req
96. Ah, jeez, Rick's implants.Copy !req
97. Big Doug, get the truck.Copy !req
98. - Whoo! I've never felt so alive!
- Hey.Copy !req
99. Oh...Copy !req
100. Man!Copy !req
101. - Turn back into a boat!Copy !req
102. I'm trying!Copy !req
103. - I'm trying!
- Big Doug.Copy !req
104. Big Doug, no!Copy !req
105. There's my guy!Copy !req
106. The hamsters turned on me. We gotta go.Copy !req
107. - RIP, Big Doug!
- I wasn't even in that one!Copy !req
108. Who cares? It wasn't even on my list.
This guy just cued it up!Copy !req
109. Speaking of cues,Copy !req
110. what about all those times
you two misunderstood each other?Copy !req
111. Wait, what?
Are you setting up a series of them?Copy !req
112. Trust me, the key is grouping them
with thematic connections.Copy !req
113. Uh...Copy !req
114. I wanna talk to Morty in private,
about something unrelated.Copy !req
115. Yeah, we'll be right back.Copy !req
116. Okay, this guy might have been
kind of a mistake.Copy !req
117. - He's really aggressive.
- He's steamrolling us.Copy !req
118. He thinks he's hosting a clip show.
And I don't like his voice.Copy !req
119. I don't like his voice.
I don't like that he's doing jokes.Copy !req
120. - Don't like that he's talking down to you.
- Thank you! Okay. Let's rethink this.Copy !req
121. I still don't trust these, but I'll accept
these cards at 70 cents on the dollar.Copy !req
122. Done. Fair. How do we get rid of him?Copy !req
123. I'll pay the asshole
and tell him he did a great job.Copy !req
124. He thinks he's hosting a clip show.
And I don't like his voice.Copy !req
125. I don't like his voice.
I don't like that he's doing jokes...Copy !req
126. Okay, that's on us.
Should have seen that coming.Copy !req
127. Seeing is more my thing.Copy !req
128. - Then you know he's about to pay you.
- And tell me I did a great job?Copy !req
129. Fine, you caught us.
We secretly think you suck.Copy !req
130. - Here's twice what I owe you,Copy !req
131. that's how little conversation
we want to have about you leaving.Copy !req
132. I have never seen two bigger assholes!Copy !req
133. And I see all assholes!Copy !req
134. Then you can see yours out. Bye.Copy !req
135. Christ!Copy !req
136. Shit! Hot! So hot!Copy !req
137. Gotta start in the middle,
statistically the coolest.Copy !req
138. You won't find a carb on my plate,
Morty. I'm all about that keto.Copy !req
139. - No.
- Is that—?Copy !req
140. - Is that a fucking—?
- Clip?Copy !req
141. I'm a fats man. Give me all the fats!Copy !req
142. That burrito looks pretty car by!Copy !req
143. - This fucking guy.
- That's your move?Copy !req
144. Diet shaming? Just take the I, man!
This is embarrassing.Copy !req
145. Ah! I'll show you embarrassing!Copy !req
146. Do it, Morty!
It's the only way to save the universe!Copy !req
147. How? How is it the only way?Copy !req
148. Morty, I'm dying. It's up to you.Copy !req
149. Rick!Copy !req
150. - What the hell are you doing?
- Saving the universe! I think.Copy !req
151. Right, Rick?Copy !req
152. - This guy's nuts!Copy !req
153. What the hell? You told me I was a hero!Copy !req
154. - You were that night.
- What the hell's going on?Copy !req
155. Is that angry stone playing video clips?Copy !req
156. It's some weirdo Grandpa hired
to prove I'm a bad person.Copy !req
157. Turns out people that take that job
aren't fun to be around.Copy !req
158. Get out of here!Copy !req
159. Sidewalk's public property, bro!Copy !req
160. I can observe all I want from here!Copy !req
161. This isn't our problem, Dad.
Please make this loud thing go away.Copy !req
162. - Yeah, I was studying for a test.
- No, you weren't!Copy !req
163. Fucking rock asshole.Copy !req
164. Now you've done it!Copy !req
165. As they've shamed me,
so shall I now shame you!Copy !req
166. - Mom?Copy !req
167. - Are you drinking wine in there?
- Um, no, I'm shitting.Copy !req
168. Bitch, I know the sound
of a toilet lid moving.Copy !req
169. - Oof.
- Two birds, one stone.Copy !req
170. More embarrassing for Mom than me.Copy !req
171. I wasn't lying, I was going to shit.Copy !req
172. What's going on here? Cosmic being
playing embarrassing clips out of spite?Copy !req
173. - Damn, Jerry. Nailed it.
- I was watching from the upstairs window.Copy !req
174. Well, watch this, loser!Copy !req
175. Morty, I'm throwing out some stuff
from our last couple adventures.Copy !req
176. - You got any use for this diamond?
- Nope. I'm good.Copy !req
177. This is gonna be fine.Copy !req
178. I'm sorry! I can't stop once I start!Copy !req
179. Whatever. Everyone knows
I'm embarrassing. I'm bulletproof.Copy !req
180. Oh, my God, this is so sad.Copy !req
181. Not as sad as you after this!Copy !req
182. The so-called Hottie Snatchers
have spread to Canada and Mexico,Copy !req
183. grabbing the most attractive residents
and taking them God knows where.Copy !req
184. All Americans, even sub-sevens,
are advised to stay indoors.Copy !req
185. - You certainly wouldn't be safe out there.
- Not on the air, Michael.Copy !req
186. BRB, bathroom.Copy !req
187. I need to know!Copy !req
188. It's okay! It's not real.
They're just doing it at random!Copy !req
189. Is everything okay? I heard—Copy !req
190. You too, huh? It's not so bad
once you get used to it.Copy !req
191. I don't deserve this.
I just walked downstairs.Copy !req
192. If Dad's just gonna stand here,
should I do something?Copy !req
193. - Unless that somehow tees me up—
- Walked right into it.Copy !req
194. This is our target, Dichotomus Daniel—Copy !req
195. That was my chair.Copy !req
196. - It was a fart.
- Birdperson always knows.Copy !req
197. It's true! He's got that beak!Copy !req
198. - Get lost, you piece of shit!
- Why, so you can do stuff like this?Copy !req
199. Morty, the only way out
is through the bottomCopy !req
200. of this massive vat of whale semen.Copy !req
201. - That last one was just for shock value.
- Fuck this guy!Copy !req
202. Ha-ha. If you can't take the heat,
get out of the watching!Copy !req
203. You suck!Copy !req
204. Showing weird shit just 'cause we wouldn't
let you treat our lives like a clip show!Copy !req
205. - Get him!
- Mess him up, little bro!Copy !req
206. What, you gonna beat me up
like the piss guy?Copy !req
207. Hey! Not cool!Copy !req
208. Why don't you tee up this clip
of me kicking your ass!Copy !req
209. Oh!Copy !req
210. I'm all rocks now.Copy !req
211. I never saw this coming.Copy !req
212. Shit! These guys can die?
I thought they were cosmic!Copy !req
213. I say we leave this thing in the street,Copy !req
214. deny any involvement
and just hope this blows over.Copy !req
215. Unless, of course,
they play this exact clip on a screenCopy !req
216. in front of a jury
with some kind of built-in bias.Copy !req
217. - As an Observer, I try to stay impartial,Copy !req
218. but I am not seeing innocence.Copy !req
219. It's not blowing over, Rick.Copy !req
220. I'd tell you to stay positive, Morty,
but I do not like the looks of that jury.Copy !req
221. I can't believe we got ourselves
into this messCopy !req
222. over something as petty
as "what an adventure is."Copy !req
223. Yeah. I can admit
I got a little loose with the stamps.Copy !req
224. Gotcha! Can the stenographer read back
that confession, please?Copy !req
225. Silence! The killing of an Observer
is unforgivable.Copy !req
226. We must now decide
whether to end your existence.Copy !req
227. - Your Honor,Copy !req
228. if everyone here
has truly seen everything,Copy !req
229. then you all know my grandson and I
did this whole thing with giants.Copy !req
230. Did what whole thing?Copy !req
231. I will address that.Copy !req
232. I'm your court-appointed defender.Copy !req
233. Your Honor, observe the time
Rick and Morty did this with giants!Copy !req
234. This is an open-and-shut case.Copy !req
235. What do you think is gonna happen?
Some magical angel's gonna show up and—Copy !req
236. Fee-fie-fo-fum,
I smell the violation of civil liberties!Copy !req
237. The moments are practically identical,
Your Honor.Copy !req
238. I move for a mistrial
on the grounds it bumps.Copy !req
239. If the argument is that Rick and Morty
repeat their mistakes,Copy !req
240. the prosecution agrees!Copy !req
241. Oh, God, you sound
just like the guy we killed. Allegedly.Copy !req
242. That was my brother!
I didn't like his voice either!Copy !req
243. - This isn't gonna help our case.
- Neither will this next clip!Copy !req
244. Morty, I made you a gorilla gun.
Pretty cool, huh?Copy !req
245. A gorilla gun?Copy !req
246. - Does this do what I think it does?
- Yup!Copy !req
247. - Where's your lunch money, punk?
- Lunch money?Copy !req
248. Are you sure you wouldn't rather
have a banana?Copy !req
249. I thought it would turn him
into a gorilla.Copy !req
250. Why would you want a bully
to be a gorilla?Copy !req
251. It was a gun that kills gorillas.
Please go easy on him.Copy !req
252. This one's on me
and it won't happen again.Copy !req
253. - Morty, this is a bully gun.
- Whoa! Cool!Copy !req
254. - Any questions about it?
- Not really.Copy !req
255. Yeah. Should be self-explanatory.
Have fun.Copy !req
256. Hey. Give me your backpack!Copy !req
257. - You trying to bully me?
- Yeah.Copy !req
258. Well, how are you gonna bully
another bully?Copy !req
259. What are you doing?Copy !req
260. I feel like this one's
not entirely my fault.Copy !req
261. - Okay, how do you feel?
- I'm okay.Copy !req
262. I mean, maybe just stop
giving me guns or—Copy !req
263. Or make them less ambiguous.
Way ahead of you. Take this.Copy !req
264. This is a gun,
and I want to be really specific here,Copy !req
265. this is a gun that you only use
to shoot bad people. Are we clear?Copy !req
266. - Okay.
- When are you going to use that?Copy !req
267. - When I want to shoot a bad person.
- Okay.Copy !req
268. - I had a great time tonight, Jessica.
- Hey! Give me your money.Copy !req
269. Why don't you take this instead?Copy !req
270. - Jeffrey Dahmer?
- Hi.Copy !req
271. - What's happening?
- I don't know, just run.Copy !req
272. Let the record show
this bit continued for several more guns.Copy !req
273. What are we even guilty of
in that one, being kind of dumb?Copy !req
274. For being dumb over and over.Copy !req
275. Ah-ha! But, Your Honor, is that not
the definition of experimentation?Copy !req
276. The foundation of science?Copy !req
277. Are Rick and Morty therefore
not only not not learning,Copy !req
278. but therefore actively learning?Copy !req
279. Observe this example!Copy !req
280. How long before Ben Franklin
comes back to life?Copy !req
281. - Holy shit! Yes!Copy !req
282. Shit, he came back evil.Copy !req
283. - What will happen if we bury him again?
- You don't know?Copy !req
284. This is my first time
using Pet Sematary soil.Copy !req
285. I mean, as long as we're asking questions.Copy !req
286. We've been here so long my phone died.Copy !req
287. - It's not gonna charge your phone!
- You can be curious and I can't?Copy !req
288. Fuck, you're right. We're sitting
on top of brand-new science here.Copy !req
289. Let's gather some data!Copy !req
290. - Put your back into it, Morty!
- You think it'll refill the tank?Copy !req
291. Good pitch, Morty!Copy !req
292. Okay, let's bury that kangaroo
from the waist down.Copy !req
293. - Holy shit. Will only his legs come back?
- Who knows?Copy !req
294. - I'm having a great time with you tonight.Copy !req
295. - What's that one?
- Ben Franklin!Copy !req
296. Remember? We tried wrapping him in tinfoilCopy !req
297. - to see if it'd shield him from the evil.
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
298. - Ow! Fuck! It's hot!Copy !req
299. Jesus Christ!
It cooked him like a pig at a luau.Copy !req
300. It's so moist.Copy !req
301. Rick! That's a guy!Copy !req
302. What is this place doing to us?Copy !req
303. - Is nothing sacred to you two?Copy !req
304. What are these clips?
What are we even on trial for anymore?Copy !req
305. What's anyone on trial for, son?Copy !req
306. Being good or evil.Copy !req
307. Look, sure we can be irreverent,
but we're far from evil.Copy !req
308. We make more friends than enemies!Copy !req
309. Let's run the tape on that one!Copy !req
310. Hey, Rick, can you make my churro
come to life?Copy !req
311. On it!Copy !req
312. Hi! I'm Churry!Copy !req
313. - Churry, do you wanna have fun?
- Let's go!Copy !req
314. This has been the best time
of my life, Churry.Copy !req
315. Thanks, Rick!Copy !req
316. You can turn him back
into a regular churro now.Copy !req
317. What? I can't turn him back.
You asked me to bring him to life.Copy !req
318. Bam. Done. But he's a churro. He doesn't
have internal organs, a brain, Etcetera.Copy !req
319. In order to live, I had to make him
functionally immortal.Copy !req
320. What?Copy !req
321. My— My family!Copy !req
322. Goodbye, Churry. I'll miss you.Copy !req
323. These are just regular churros?Copy !req
324. Oh, my God, no!Copy !req
325. Mark my words, Morty.
I shall leave you as you left me:Copy !req
326. on a barren planet, praying for death!Copy !req
327. I'm starting to see
why this lawyer was free.Copy !req
328. Okay, well, we never
intentionally hurt people.Copy !req
329. We adventure! Stuff goes wrong.
We don't just murder for fun.Copy !req
330. Oh! Here's a clip about that topic!Copy !req
331. I did it, Morty! I killed the versions
of us that were in Space Jam!Copy !req
332. Help me with the bodies!Copy !req
333. - Wow! How'd you do it, Rick?
- It was easy, Morty.Copy !req
334. They welcomed death!
They wanted out, Morty!Copy !req
335. No. You don't get it.
They begged me. It was a kindness!Copy !req
336. - Was that helpful?
- It was for the prosecution!Copy !req
337. Okay, I've heard enough!Copy !req
338. No, you fucking haven't.Copy !req
339. If we're about to die,
at least let us defend ourselves.Copy !req
340. I'll allow it. But no lollygagging!Copy !req
341. I only need one clip, Your Honor.Copy !req
342. If it pleases the court,
hold on to your tits.Copy !req
343. I'm a leg, Morty! You like that?Copy !req
344. Yeah, I know you do.Copy !req
345. - We already saw that one.
- No, that's the other time I did it.Copy !req
346. That was your Hail Mary?Copy !req
347. I held onto my tits for nothing!Copy !req
348. I hereby find Rick and Morty guilty!Copy !req
349. Time to die!Copy !req
350. - What in tarnation?
- Plot twist!Copy !req
351. What? You gave me access to your tech.Copy !req
352. - No.
- Not us.Copy !req
353. Not saying we're heroes,
but in the two minutesCopy !req
354. I've had access to your server,
I can observe you're no better.Copy !req
355. Here, let's see a clip.Copy !req
356. Help! Please!Copy !req
357. Oh, my God! Please! Please!Copy !req
358. Absurd! if the Observer was in the clip,
who was watching?Copy !req
359. Glad you asked!Copy !req
360. Please!Copy !req
361. - Jesus Christ.Copy !req
362. You can't shame us for watching!
It's who we are!Copy !req
363. And you'd never take advantage of that.Copy !req
364. Hot copies! Freshly watched!Copy !req
365. I've got Avatar 3 through 6!Copy !req
366. Friends and family screening,Copy !req
367. the VFX aren't done,
but they're still blue!Copy !req
368. It's not my fault I saw those movies!Copy !req
369. Yes! We observe, it's all we do!Copy !req
370. Oh, it's not all you do.Copy !req
371. I'll give you $20 to fight each other.Copy !req
372. Money, money!Copy !req
373. As it turns out, you do plenty!
You're just as bad as us!Copy !req
374. We're not all bad,
I observe a couple of bad apples!Copy !req
375. Who are you calling an apple?Copy !req
376. Should we all observe
what you did with Tom's wife?Copy !req
377. Observe me harder! Harder!Copy !req
378. I regret nothing, Tom!Copy !req
379. Only thing you could never see
was what a treasure Nancy was.Copy !req
380. - I'll kill you!
- I'd like to observe you try!Copy !req
381. Jeez, Rick. People be fucking
each other's wives, huh?Copy !req
382. Marriage is a scam.Copy !req
383. - Let's scram.
- Wait! I still have more clips!Copy !req
384. I appreciate what you were trying to do,Copy !req
385. with the punch cards, my groove thing.Copy !req
386. Thanks. So is this a stamp?Copy !req
387. Or are you gonna make me count this
as my adventure?Copy !req
388. - How about we just ignore this one?
- Yeah, good call.Copy !req
389. - Eighty cents on the dollar?
- Seventy-five.Copy !req
390. Done.Copy !req
391. What do you say, Rick?
Fly through space, come upon something,Copy !req
392. maybe I have a moral objection,Copy !req
393. stuff gets messy, and you bail us out?Copy !req
394. Let's take it for a spin.Copy !req
395. Rick and Morty! We're back, baby!Copy !req
396. Check the glove box!Copy !req
397. Whoa! Another gun!Copy !req
398. Hey, Morty, see you
at the frolf mixer tomorrow?Copy !req
399. Yeah, sure thing, Jimmy.Copy !req
400. I knew this day would come.Copy !req
401. Oh, God!Copy !req
402. Nice! Free churro!Copy !req