Rick and Morty 7x4

1. - Who's ready for Rick's famous spaghetti?

2. - I love Spaghetti Thursdays!

3. Oh, my God, Rick. It's better every time.

4. Hell yeah. You like that? That's-a some good spaghetti!

5. Grandpa Rick, I'm skull emoji, but words.

6. Sauce? More sauce? We gots the sauce.

7. Dad, you had a job interview, right?

8. Bombed it. But it's nothing a little Bolognese won't cure.

9. - Dad, this noodle is so tender. - A little spicy. A little sweet.

10. - A little spicy. A little sweet. - It's so nice that we're talking.

11. All talking because we're a family, and this is a good time we're having.

12. Is there more?

13. Seconds? Thirds? We "spa-gots" as much as you can "spag-eat."

14. Rick, I gotta know, what's the secret ingredient?

15. - God, no! Why?

16. Why is it always this shit with you?

17. Of course it's a person! Why couldn't it just be spaghetti?

18. I'm going to say this as simply as possible

19. and let you not believe me.

20. On this planet, people that kill themselves turn into spaghetti.

21. - What? - I know, you're a visual learner.

22. So follow me.

23. Hi, Dr. Hotpenis. You're not supposed to bring patients—

24. Hi, Michael. It's okay.

25. This alien boy has space cancer,

26. and his dying wish is to see deader people so he can feel superior.

27. All you had to say.

28. Check it out. Murdered.

29. Oh! Gross.

30. - Car crash.

31. And suicide.

32. Oh, Rick, I don't...

33. Wait, what is that smell?

34. You know goddamn well what it is. Get in here.

35. - Don't do that. - You've been doing it for weeks.

36. Every spaghetti night. Come on, Morty.

37. - choo-choo plane. Come on. - Gross.

38. - Goddamn. - Telling you.

39. Why? How?

40. Their cortisol increases the starch content in their bloodstream,

41. changing their intestines into one long spaghetti noodle,

42. and the surrounding tissues into a spicy-sweet hematoma

43. that we would call a Bolognese.

44. But it takes a lot of cortisol.

45. Like, a suicidal amount.

46. - It's almost better cold. - Wouldn't go that far. Don't be a hipster.

47. Excuse me. Are you two eating a corpse?

48. It's okay. It's spaghetti.

49. - Morty, they don't know what that is. - I'm calling the police!

50. - Before you do that, just... - No, Rick, stop!

51. What? Where am I?

52. - In a morgue, eating bodies! - We're what?

53. - Stop using that thing! - What thing? Who are we?

54. - We were leaving. - All you had to say.

55. Whose car is this? Whose sun visor is this? What's a sun?

56. Jesus, sorry. That's always embarrassing.

57. But you see what I mean now?

58. Best spaghetti in the galaxy, and it's 100-percent guilt-free.

59. - I wanna know their names. - Who? Michael? Coroner Number 1?

60. The people we've been eating every spaghetti night.

61. Do you even know their names?

62. I'm not giving you your spaghettis' names!

63. You found my line, Morty. I find that ghoulish.

64. I want their names, or I'm telling Mom, and no more spaghetti night!

65. You suck! Where's the thing?

66. - Where's the Men in Black thing? - Names!

67. And if you know the fucking names of your spaghettis, that's it?

68. It's all I ask.

69. You won't get overwhelmed with even more guilt

70. and demand to go to their funeral?

71. Just their names, and then I'm done. I promise.

72. - I fucking hate you. - I just wanna pay my respects.

73. The only reason you're still alive is because you don't turn delicious

74. - when you die.

75. Thank you for that moment of silence.

76. I'd like to open it up to the congregation.

77. If anyone would like to say a few words about Lawrence.

78. Or another moment of silence.

79. Geez, no wonder he killed himself. Okay, let's...

80. - Oh, for— - Hi. Um...

81. I just wanna be honest about something.

82. After Lawrence died, we, uh, ate him.

83. - Wait, we're not werewolves or anything.

84. We come from a planet, where, to us, when you guys kill yourselves,

85. you turn into what my planet considers food. Spaghetti.

86. It brought us together.

87. Lawrence brought us together.

88. It just felt wrong not having anyone know that.

89. But he was delicious. I hope that helps make it right.

90. That should do it, buddy. Everybody, enjoy your closure.

91. So we were eating people.

92. I'm afraid so.

93. They were so spaghetti-esque.

94. Yes, they were.

95. It's going to be hard to—

96. Hard to put out of your mind, yes,

97. which is why I thought it best to keep you all in the dark.

98. - So Morty ruined spaghetti night. - Correct.

99. Summer! It was people!

100. It was people, Summer. Which is disgusting.

101. And not cool to lie about.

102. Correct. But it should also be noted, to Morty, that it's not cool to tattle.

103. - Dad! - They were delicious!

104. - So keep eating them! - We can't now!

105. Because of you! Sorry, Morty.

106. That was terrible parenting.

107. You did the "right thing."

108. We are technically very happy to be better informed.

109. First octopus, now this.

110. Have we thought about just giving up

111. and joining the fascist half of the country?

112. - No. - Just saying, they get to do more.

113. Well, I guess I'll go to my room since everyone hates me now.

114. Oh, sorry. Good night, Morty.

115. Good night, Morty.

116. - Hey, big boy. Are you depressed? Ooh!

117. Mama likes depression.

118. Oopsie, I spilled my milk. Now we're both sad.

119. - I'm a bad family therapist farm girl.

120. - Hello, Morty Smith.

121. You are invited to 41-Kepler B.

122. You know it as Spaghetti Planet.

123. You're not in trouble. We just want to talk.

124. Can that thing support my weight?

125. It should.

126. Oh, okay.

127. Um, up here? Geez.

128. Ever heard of a ramp?

129. - This is a ramp. - Uh-huh.

130. Hi, Morty. I'm the president of this planet.

131. I saw the video of you at that funeral.

132. - I'm sorry. - Don't be.

133. It was quite the revelation.

134. Ah, would you mind showing us?

135. This is the spaghetti of a person that took their own life.

136. - They did consent to be eaten. - Uh, okay.

137. Wow, yeah. Amazing as always. Not gonna lie.

138. And would you consider yourself a typical Earthian?

139. Well, on Earth, it's considered inferior to be typical,

140. so we're all very special and different,

141. but we definitely all do like spaghetti.

142. - All 8 billion of you? - Ooh!

143. Morty, how would you feel about being a kind of ambassador?

144. A liaison between our worlds.

145. Oh! Now, hold on. I went to that funeral because—

146. Because you felt bad. Because you didn't have permission.

147. Show him.

148. - My name is Tanya Radcliffe.

149. I've been living in pain for years.

150. I've lost all my loved ones. I've got nothing.

151. So when doctors told me I could finally have the right to die

152. if I agree to be dinner for some alien boy,

153. I simply said,

154. "I hope I'm delicious."

155. Goddamn.

156. And would you say that makes it taste better?

157. It makes it go down a lot easier.

158. Oh, I like that.

159. Maybe it's time we allow some people the right to die and be delicious.

160. Please feel free to finish Tanya. It is what she wanted.

161. No, I think I'm good. Thanks.

162. Tanya, you really were tasty.

163. Actually, can I take her to go?

164. Who's ready for more ethical spaghetti?

165. Me. I love this ethical shit.

166. Full admission, I was fine before too.

167. God, this is so good. Pass the Parmeesian.

168. Where's Dad? Why does he keep missing spaghetti night?

169. I guess he got butt hurt because Morty high-roaded him

170. and got us the delicious spaghetti without all the lies and nihilism.

171. And another cheer for the added bonus of no Rick.

172. Boom! Sorry to interrupt Morty's perfect spaghetti night,

173. - but thought he'd wanna see this. - Whoa! What the fuck is that?

174. "Morty-O's Suicide Spaghetti is 100-percent ethical, single-origin pasta."

175. Oh, dear God.

176. Let me guess, you went back to the planet,

177. gave some thoughtful insight to their leader,

178. and now they're selling their dead at every Space Walmart.

179. I did, but I didn't say to do this.

180. Is this people, or not people?

181. I just need to know how much I should pretend to be upset.

182. This seems to be Roger.

183. Hi. I'm Roger Wayne Marder. I was a serial killer and cannibal,

184. and now I get to kill myself and be food for you,

185. which I suppose is a silver lining to all my misdeeds.

186. Anyway, please enjoy me.

187. So, yes to people?

188. Wow. I mean, on the bright side, I feel like one could look at this

189. as a really nice epilogue to a story about telling the truth.

190. Uh-huh. Care to see that epilogue?

191. What is all this?

192. Cans of spaghetti selling out to every neighboring planet.

193. Wanna go see how ethical it is down there?

194. This is Spaghetti Planet? What happened?

195. You happened. You happened all over those billboards.

196. Oh, geez. Oh, no.

197. See that? They call that bridge the Most Scenic Jump.

198. There used to be safety rails.

199. They melted them down for giant spaghetti strainers.

200. You wanna turn on the radio?

201. I get it. It's all Enya.

202. Nope, all morning zoo teams. Just patter. No songs.

203. Oh, and for TV? Wall-to-wall reality television.

204. But not the good kind.

205. It's like their whole planet was bought by Discovery.

206. Jesus Christ, this is depressing.

207. That's definitely what they're going for. Look at this shit.

208. They dyed their sun institutional gray.

209. That's not easy. Kind of impressed.

210. And all of it is thanks to...

211. Oh, God. I'm a murderer.

212. Oh, no, Morty. What you did was much more indirect.

213. I understand your concerns, but look around.

214. With what's coming in from intergalactic spaghetti trade,

215. we've decreased our debt, are making a lot of money.

216. We've got clean energy.

217. Where you paused is where you should've said mental healthcare.

218. All right, we had to put our fingers on the scale, a little.

219. But if we stop this,

220. the supply chain crumbles and kills the global economy.

221. How many people will suffer then?

222. Okay, tough problem. Definitely a spicy meatball.

223. But we can fix it, right, Rick?

224. - You mean me. You want me to fix it. - A moment?

225. Yes, I want you to fix it.

226. None of this would have happened if you'd been honest.

227. Morty, I lied to protect you. You told the truth to hurt me.

228. I can't travel the galaxy with you

229. if every time we come near a fucked-up system,

230. you leap into its wires and electrocute yourself.

231. - I promise to stop. - You what?

232. If you help me, I promise I'll never look under the curtain at a Rick thing

233. to figure out what's bad about it ever again.

234. - And you can never say no to me. - What are you, Keith Raniere?

235. - For two weeks. - Fine.

236. My grandson kissed my ass so I'm in.

237. Okay, so we just need to figure out something else

238. besides people to put in the cans, right?

239. But people are the spaghetti. That's the whole thing.

240. But what if they weren't?

241. - I'm listening. - Me too.

242. I mean, what if we make something like a person?

243. Like, Rick, you're always doing clones, right?

244. What are you suggesting here?

245. A sped-up lifespan and indoctrination program?

246. Limiting their exposure to the world

247. and convincing them that becoming spaghetti is their destiny?

248. I won't be delicious for them!

249. I love you, Clone-5617B.

250. That was some speed run of Never Let Me Go, huh?

251. Spoilers, Rick.

252. I guess all clone stories turn out the same way.

253. So we're back to the regular people, regular suicides?

254. No, no, hold on. Hold on. We can do this.

255. Maybe we make them less people?

256. How much of a people do they have to be to become spaghetti?

257. Ooh! Gray areas. My specialty.

258. Subject 1.

259. - No frontal lobe, no empathy centers.

260. Otherwise the same physiology as a person.

261. Unfortunately, to this guy,

262. there's no difference between life and death.

263. So no spaghetti.

264. Then there's this one.

265. It's in horrible, unimaginable pain from the moment it's born.

266. Oh, geez. Oh, no, Rick!

267. So I didn't even bother to make it. I knew you'd take issue.

268. Even though you'd be doing it a favor by ending its life.

269. - Fuck you! - You might wanna examine

270. the trolley problem at some point.

271. Anyway, here's the last one.

272. Kept the brain stem, internal motor functions,

273. but essentially just a headless, boneless torso.

274. There's spaghetti inside that?

275. Theoretically, yes.

276. The problem is the...

277. You know.

278. Could you, um, like—?

279. What is that? Is this charades?

280. Okay, are you making a fist? Is that supposed to be a phone?

281. - Fuck it, just spell it out for me. - Um...

282. Maybe give them a claw-like hand

283. so they can, you know, stab themselves to death?

284. All you had to say.

285. Well, this is some solution you guys have cooked up.

286. - Spaghetti! - Technically.

287. Good enough for me. We need to fill 100,000 cans by the weekend.

288. So let's fire up these chunky boys!

289. - Torso's rights! Torso's rights!

290. The new spaghetti sucks! We want authentic spaghetti!

291. - Oh. Were you—? - Wait, you're gonna blow yourself up?

292. Yeah, but if you wanna do it—

293. You clearly have a morally superior position, so please, go ahead.

294. You just want me to kill myself so you can eat the spaghetti, right?

295. Fucking alien piece of shit!

296. - Fuck you! - Fuck you!

297. How long does a society take to collapse?

298. Let's find out.

299. What's the fucking hold-up? I've got an entire planet waiting on delivery!

300. They say they're out of spaghetti.

301. Then let's go down there and make some.

302. - Kill yourself. - Kill yourself.

303. - Kill yourself. Kill yourself. - Kill yourself. Kill yourself.

304. I understand. Divert half of the armed patrols to civil unrest,

305. the other half to planetary defense.

306. Take every action necessary to restore order.

307. Didn't hear much diverting towards mental healthcare.

308. The brainstorming is over, you ghoulish little corpse-eating alien!

309. You've helped enough.

310. Fuck! We owe so much spaghetti to so many planets

311. that we're all going to have to kill ourselves.

312. Slow down.

313. Rick can synthesize anything he gets a sample of.

314. Can't we still try that?

315. I mean, is there anyone else left who might wanna kill themselves?

316. There's one, but good luck.

317. Two months to live. Bedridden. Terrible pain.

318. Whoa. Why hasn't he done it yet?

319. - Fuck you, spaghetti child! - Hey! What gives?

320. I'm in pain, and I wish I could die,

321. but I won't feed your sick system of profit.

322. Integrity means living with pain.

323. What if I told you this would end the spaghetti trade forever?

324. - What do you mean? - I'll explain on the way.

325. Did you have a euthanasia chamber ready to go?

326. It's just a place.

327. Hey. Hey. Everyone, stop. Stop!

328. I have a solution to get you all spaghetti.

329. We're gonna do this one last time.

330. This guy here, he's gonna do the deed and I'll synthesize it.

331. This is the Kitty Hawk of our Wright Brothers flight,

332. or the fill-in-the-blank from your fill-in-the-planet.

333. Now, Fred, just think about your life.

334. This machine will put it on screen for everyone to see.

335. When you're ready, press the button.

336. - Do you think this is gonna work? - Trust me.

337. Bon appétit.

338. Well, fuck.

339. I think I can speak on behalf of my people.

340. We've had enough spaghetti.

341. You did it, didn't you?

342. You couldn't change everyone's taste buds, but you could make it distasteful.

343. It wasn't the death, was it?

344. - It was the complexity of life. - God, what was the point?

345. If you're asking whether this was a story about right and wrong,

346. the answer is, I don't care.

347. - So, what do we do? - Cells consume.

348. Life itself is wrong. That means death is right.

349. But you can't side with that. So you live, even when it means eating.

350. And Fred here really did it well.

351. Mm! Mm!

352. The hell is this? Where is the spaghetti?

353. - Why don't you go fuck yourself? - What?

354. What's wrong with Salisbury steaks? At least try them.

355. Holy shit, this is the best Salisbury steak I've ever had.

356. Is it actually Salisbury steak?

357. Do you wanna know or not?

358. No, thanks!

359. - Just so you know, it's really bad. - Whatever you say.

360. - Seriously, I'm not kidding.

361. I won't tell you, but I need you to know the truth is horrible,

362. so that if you ever find out on accident, you can't blame me.

363. - Now that's a deal! - Yeah!

364. Honestly, if you knew, you might kill yourselves.

365. - That's the last thing I'll say forever. - Good!

366. That's where vacuum cleaner bags come from?

367. Oh, my God.