1. I can't hold them off, Rick!
There's too many!Copy !req
2. Richard! Your fortress
is a salty waste of coral and clam.Copy !req
3. Relinquish it at once!Copy !req
4. - Submit, you continental cunt.
- Got a better idea.Copy !req
5. Oh shit, oh shit.Copy !req
6. - Happy?
- Of course I'm happy,Copy !req
7. you're acting like you won
but this is exactly what I wanted.Copy !req
8. I am Mister Nimbus!Copy !req
9. Whatever. Come on, Morty.Copy !req
10. - Man, that was intense.
- Yeah, nice work, buddy.Copy !req
11. Sorry I had to blow up your bunker.Copy !req
12. Not so fast, Sanchez.
It is I, Cookie Magneto.Copy !req
13. What the fuck.Copy !req
14. - I'm not engaging this guy.
- That's hardly up to you, Rick.Copy !req
15. I'm sorry, do you control things
that people agree are cookies?Copy !req
16. - Yes.
- Okay but cookies aren't a substance,Copy !req
17. - they're more of a name we-we give to
- To the things I controlCopy !req
18. Do you control cookie ingredients,
because y'know that sounds dangerous,Copy !req
19. - y'know, everything has sugar in it.
- Fight me and find ou...Copy !req
20. - Jesus, Rick!
- I'm sorry, Morty, I know you're gonna sayCopy !req
21. it's punching down but I can't fight
another one of these ninetiesCopy !req
22. style goofball super villains,
I'm not the fucking Tick,Copy !req
23. - I'm exhausted.
- Okay butCopy !req
24. if you really have a lot of these guys
gunning for you maybe you should lookCopy !req
25. - into what you're doing to...
- Don't start that crap, Morty.Copy !req
26. I don't do anything for
these dipshits to seek me outCopy !req
27. I am Mr. Calypso.Copy !req
28. Face me, you ugly, drunk,
ugly piece of shit.Copy !req
29. Okay I might look into it.Copy !req
30. - Why don't you have a seat?
- Because this isn't a therapy session,Copy !req
31. I'm just asking you what
people in your racketCopy !req
32. say about handling
this particular situation.Copy !req
33. First we'd want you
to define the situation.Copy !req
34. I'm a walking target
for a neverending sea of angry nerdsCopy !req
35. that think getting in a fight
with me is some kind ofCopy !req
36. I don't know, platform?
I mean, look at this guy.Copy !req
37. He shows up and calls me an "ugly drunk."Copy !req
38. Because of course that's the angle
of attack that's gonna undo me, right.Copy !req
39. You don't shoot Batman
in his fucking Batman logo.Copy !req
40. And you think locking
this man in a chamberCopy !req
41. and milking him of cosmic fluid
will somehow resolve this?Copy !req
42. I think it's the best I can do to profit
from a situation and maybe set an example.Copy !req
43. But you've set this example many times
and it's not changing your situation.Copy !req
44. Yeah and now you're gonna
tell me to ignore themCopy !req
45. - but guess what, they want that too.
- And why would they want to be ignored?Copy !req
46. You really believe
if I let a guy like thisCopy !req
47. do whatever he wants,
he gets bored and vanishes?Copy !req
48. Rick, would you be interested
in proving me wrong?Copy !req
49. - Yes.
- Then show me data.Copy !req
50. Ignore them for a week
and see what happens.Copy !req
51. You're on, bitch.Copy !req
52. Is that man dead?Copy !req
53. Is everything in here confidential?Copy !req
54. - Everything but murder.
- Then he's fine.Copy !req
55. I mean, I think it's pretty big, you know?Copy !req
56. Big step for the big cheese.Copy !req
57. - Yeah, Dad, I'm impressed.
- Can we not make it a big deal?Copy !req
58. It's worth celebrating, Rick.Copy !req
59. You accepted the concept of therapyCopy !req
60. without turning yourself into
a pickle or a housefly.Copy !req
61. Jerry, for fuck's sake, that was
a regular fly in her office that day.Copy !req
62. - What the hell?
- Rick!Copy !req
63. How 'bout a little piss?Copy !req
64. Rick, why is there a man shooting pissCopy !req
65. - on our front lawn?
- I'm sure he'll tell you.Copy !req
66. I am Pissmaster! Here to flush
the toilet that is Rick Sanchez.Copy !req
67. He's spraying my lavender bush.
My bees need that lavender.Copy !req
68. Remember five seconds ago when you
guys were stoked about me changingCopy !req
69. because it made you feel superior?Copy !req
70. Whole family's here.
Who's that redhead?Copy !req
71. Wouldn't mind spraying her
with a golden shower.Copy !req
72. - Oh my god, what?
- Hey!Copy !req
73. - Okay, that's it!
- Jerry, please think about this,Copy !req
74. if you fight this guy,
I'm either an assholeCopy !req
75. for not helping or an asshole for helping.Copy !req
76. My daughter just got spoken of in
porno terms and I'll respond how I choose.Copy !req
77. - Wait Dad, don't.
- Honey.Copy !req
78. - Hey.
- You want a piece of piss?Copy !req
79. If that's your stupid rude way
of saying I have to fight you I will.Copy !req
80. - Take your shot, pussy.
- Don't talk to me that way,Copy !req
81. - go away.
- Make me.Copy !req
82. Go away.Copy !req
83. Careful, honey!Copy !req
84. Just stay down.Copy !req
85. - I don't even know you.
- Yeah you don't know me.Copy !req
86. But I'm gonna know your whole ass
you son of a gun.Copy !req
87. - Hey, none of that. Come on.
- Break it up, guys.Copy !req
88. Come on, you dirty motherfucker.Copy !req
89. No! No!Copy !req
90. Stop!Copy !req
91. Uncle! Mercy! Mercy! Stop! I give up!Copy !req
92. - Apologize to my daughter.
- For what?Copy !req
93. You know for what!Copy !req
94. I'm sorry! I'm sorry I sexualized you!
It came out wrong!Copy !req
95. That's my dad. That's my fucking dad!Copy !req
96. Honey, I'm so proud of you.Copy !req
97. - Oh sorry.
- Thank you, Rick.Copy !req
98. Damn, hashtag FlamingoDad is everywhere!Copy !req
99. Buzzfeed made an odd numbered list
of other people's observations about youCopy !req
100. and you're getting a lot
of hand clap emojisCopy !req
101. on White Twitter's impression
of Black Twitter.Copy !req
102. Jezebel's offering a cash reward
for evidence that you're a bad person.Copy !req
103. - That is their highest honor!
- So this is what it's like to trend.Copy !req
104. Feels good.Copy !req
105. - Feels right.
- Just keep in mind nowCopy !req
106. a bunch more assholes are gonna
know they can get a rise out of you.Copy !req
107. - Rick, let a dog have one day.
- I'm letting. I'm letting.Copy !req
108. Are those orbs?Copy !req
109. This is what I'm talking about.Copy !req
110. Some asshole saw that fight and believe
it not, they were jealous of Pissmaster.Copy !req
111. I am Blagnar the Eternal. We seek the
earthling who beat up Pissmaster.Copy !req
112. That's my dad, Jerry Smith!Copy !req
113. Jerry Smith. Our Galactic Orbship thirsts
for justice and those who deliver it.Copy !req
114. - Wait, what?
- Our great councilCopy !req
115. would like to offer you this silver orb.
And with it, a place amongst us.Copy !req
116. - It's sticky.
- Yeah.Copy !req
117. That means it's found a pure heart
it wants to bond with.Copy !req
118. you guys saw my son-in-law on the
news, now he gets a sticky orb,Copy !req
119. what's the catch? We're not rubes.Copy !req
120. Yeah your power is well known
in our jurisdiction, Rick Sanchez,Copy !req
121. and it should come as no surprise
that our orbs are unsticky for you.Copy !req
122. Oh no, first I get banned from the
Next Door app, now this.Copy !req
123. I'd be honored to join your organization.Copy !req
124. So what do I do, rub the orb when I see
crime, or eat the orb like spinach?Copy !req
125. The orb is raw power.
Trust your heart, Jerry.Copy !req
126. It will know what to do.Copy !req
127. - Did you turn on the microwave?
- No? Maybe? I was trying to fly.Copy !req
128. - What?
- I mean, come on, Rick.Copy !req
129. - Orbs and goblets, this is your thing.
- Orbs and goblets.Copy !req
130. I'm just saying, you're the orb guy in
the family. Can you please help me?Copy !req
131. Jerry, I give you raw power,
you'll end up miserable like me.Copy !req
132. - Trust me, I'm helping by not helping.
- Seriously, Rick?Copy !req
133. What the eff, Grandpa! Some creep tried
to pee on my tits and you did nothing,Copy !req
134. now you're gonna sit there
and hold our dad back from being a hero?Copy !req
135. - Are you seriously that petty?
- Okay, you know what, fine!Copy !req
136. Here. Here's your goddamn suit.Copy !req
137. I hard-wired the orb's
infinite energy right into it.Copy !req
138. This shooty-thing looks cool.Copy !req
139. That "shooty thing" is a nuclear
disruptor that can blow up planets.Copy !req
140. - So tight.
- Kinda hot.Copy !req
141. Ok show me acts of evil
happening around the galaxy.Copy !req
142. Space Hitlers? "Space Hitlers
are convening on Zeplar Prime."Copy !req
143. My god, each one of them
is their own type of HitlerCopy !req
144. - Yeah, that's a problem.
- Oh shit, do that one.Copy !req
145. - You guys.
- That's my parents.Copy !req
146. Well family, looks like Jerry
Smith has his first orb mission.Copy !req
147. Lawn Flaming-ho!Copy !req
148. Just a reminder, you guys asked for this.Copy !req
149. Soon, our legion of Hitlers will bring
about a new galactic order.Copy !req
150. - A reich, if you will.
- Riddle Hitler me this.Copy !req
151. I'm sorry, are we just
letting in all Hitlers now?Copy !req
152. - Auf wiedersehen, bad guys!
- Exterminate him!Copy !req
153. Shit, oh Jesus. One at a time!Copy !req
154. Oh my god!Copy !req
155. Hope there weren't
other people on that planet.Copy !req
156. And there were no other people
on the planet. Only Hitlers.Copy !req
157. Each one ready to start
their own holocaust,Copy !req
158. meaning an estimated thirty billion
lives were saved by a single blast.Copy !req
159. And the galaxy owes it all to Jerry Smith.
Hashtag FlamingoDad.Copy !req
160. - You gotta be fucking kidding me.
- Up next, oh actually nothing.Copy !req
161. I guess we're just gonna
talk about Jerry Smith some more.Copy !req
162. I dunno, therapy is starting to feel
hopeless. I've got so many issues!Copy !req
163. - We need to talk.
- Hey. No.Copy !req
164. I will not speak with you if you refuse
to treat me and my patients with respect.Copy !req
165. Oh lord. I was a fly!
So unburdened, so free of shame!Copy !req
166. Welp, I'm officially cured!Copy !req
167. Here. Here's your data.
Hard proof that god hates me.Copy !req
168. I ignored a troll and Jerry
beat the guy's ass.Copy !req
169. Now he's got this orb and he's
using the power which I gave himCopy !req
170. to annihilate planets of Hitlers
and everyone's popping champagne.Copy !req
171. Rick, you came here because you wanted
things to change and they're changing.Copy !req
172. It's working.Copy !req
173. So if my bumbling moron of a son-in-law
beats up people, it's "working".Copy !req
174. But if I do it, it's a
cosmic abuse of power?Copy !req
175. Rick, listen to yourself.Copy !req
176. You're complaining about how you have
to be careful with your immense power.Copy !req
177. And that Hitlers are dead.
Everything you're describing is positive.Copy !req
178. Oh shit, not reacting.
That really is the kill move?Copy !req
179. I don't know if you need
to think about it in terms of murder,Copy !req
180. but yes just stay the course.Copy !req
181. - Okay, good talk.
- Well what you're describing is therapyCopy !req
182. and if you'd like to keep receiving it,Copy !req
183. start scheduling your visits
with Judy up front.Copy !req
184. Thank you, thank you Flamingo Fam.Copy !req
185. you know, when they asked me
if I wanted to be the first humanCopy !req
186. to drive a Mitsubishi Space Lancer,
I thought well I don't know,Copy !req
187. I got this cool orb suit that goes
really fast. But you know what sold me?Copy !req
188. The Council said I could pick
my own bridge crew.Copy !req
189. Morty, Summer, Beth, what do you say?Copy !req
190. - What? Are you serious?
- Oh shit yeah, I love Mitsubishi!Copy !req
191. - Me too! I've heard of them!
- This is so exciting!Copy !req
192. Oh my god this is so cool!Copy !req
193. Alright gang, orbs away!Copy !req
194. O me o my, can it be?
A giant piece of shit I see?Copy !req
195. I am Mr. Stringbean!
No one resists my rhyming scheme!Copy !req
196. Hey douchebag, why don't you chill out?Copy !req
197. - Who's this asshole?
- I am Doctor Buckles!Copy !req
198. Here to tighten the belt on your opinions!Copy !req
199. You wanna see the Bean get mean?Copy !req
200. I'll be damned. I'm out.Copy !req
201. I'm out.Copy !req
202. I'm-I'm out.Copy !req
203. Oh my god, this Piss Guy
is getting wailed on.Copy !req
204. Look at him, he tried to crawl
under the car. What a loser.Copy !req
205. - Hey you watching the Pissmaster video?
- Yeah.Copy !req
206. He has to be the biggest
piece of shit in the galaxy, right?Copy !req
207. Without a doubt. Who could relate,
being that much of a piece of shit.Copy !req
208. Goddamnit.Copy !req
209. Fuck, shit, come on man.
Fuck, come on where is it? Shit, shit.Copy !req
210. Fuck!Copy !req
211. Come on Pissmaster, come on.Copy !req
212. Damn it.Copy !req
213. It's me. Please, please just open upCopy !req
214. Dad? Mom told me you weren't responding
to her calls and I'm worried, okay?Copy !req
215. I know I said terrible things
about you on my podcast,Copy !req
216. it's just, I've been
so frustrated with you.Copy !req
217. Look, if you were to ever do something
I'd never stop blaming myself.Copy !req
218. Just, please.Copy !req
219. - Please let me know you're okay.
- God damn it.Copy !req
220. - I'm okay honey, we're good.
- I thought something happened to you.Copy !req
221. I can tell you for sure.
If anything happens to me,Copy !req
222. it's 100% not on you, it's my own choice.Copy !req
223. You still sound like you're
gonna do something bad.Copy !req
224. Just promise you won't, okay?Copy !req
225. - Okay, yeah. Promise.
- Love you, Dad.Copy !req
226. Fuck.Copy !req
227. Well this is it. I'm killing myself
because of Jerry Smith. The Earth man.Copy !req
228. FlamingoDad. Seeing them all cheer
as I got my ass whipped made me realize.Copy !req
229. People just wanna see me fail. All I've
ever wanted to do is prove them wrong.Copy !req
230. Help!Copy !req
231. Wait! Who are you?Copy !req
232. Pissmaster. Make, make sure you
tell everybody Pissmaster saved you.Copy !req
233. Those were heat-seeking pissiles
by the way. Not just missiles.Copy !req
234. Oh, okay.Copy !req
235. Y'all ready for piss?Copy !req
236. Yo! Pissmaster! You saving that cat
to make people forget you suck?Copy !req
237. Nope, just saving it to save it.Copy !req
238. Okay, we got nothing.Copy !req
239. Piss! Pee! Urine! Number one!Copy !req
240. Pee pee! Piss! Pee pee!
- Look, it's Pissmaster!Copy !req
241. Dr. Wong, what's up?Copy !req
242. - Rick, you're late for your session.
- Cancel it. Bill me. I'm good.Copy !req
243. You're good?Copy !req
244. Yeah see, I put on the suit of my
enemy and I fucking love it.Copy !req
245. Now I'm gonna make a giant bomb,
plant it in a city,Copy !req
246. and then have his suit
auto-pilot the bomb into space.Copy !req
247. Boom. Everyone will think
Pissmaster sacrificed himself.Copy !req
248. He dies a hero, I get a win I'd otherwise
never get myself, nice wet bow on top.Copy !req
249. I'm tempted to second guess a lot of
that but I think you might be nailing it.Copy !req
250. - What?
- If it's free and fun, do it.Copy !req
251. It sounds healthy.Copy !req
252. That wasn't my goal but, good to know.
Shit, gotta go.Copy !req
253. No, exactly. And the slave planet thing,Copy !req
254. I hear he broke their chains
with pure urine, so.Copy !req
255. Hey guys, sorry I'm late,
lot of traffic on the orbway.Copy !req
256. Take a seat, Jerry. We were just
discussing Pissmaster's honorable rise.Copy !req
257. I mean, who cares, right?Copy !req
258. People are talking about him.
He's becoming likable. Good, even.Copy !req
259. - But he's Pissmaster.
- People change, Jerry.Copy !req
260. Everyone loves a comeback story.Copy !req
261. - Yes.
- I agree.Copy !req
262. All in favor of offering orbship
to Eugene Michael Piss, aka Pissmaster?Copy !req
263. - Orb-yes.
- Orb-yes.Copy !req
264. - All those opposed?
- Obviously orb-no.Copy !req
265. The orbship has spoken.Copy !req
266. You know what Jerry,
I think this is a good test for you.Copy !req
267. If you can't let go of your pettiness
enough to recruit Pissmaster,Copy !req
268. maybe you don't deserve your orb.
And Jerry. Don't come back without him.Copy !req
269. Absolute chaos! No one knows who
planted the bomb, but one thing is clear.Copy !req
270. Orphan Island, a city populated entirely
by orphans, now sits on the brink of doom.Copy !req
271. The Orphan Island bomb squad
is trying to dismantle it as we speak.Copy !req
272. I can't stress enough, I'm 8 years old,
I have no idea what I'm doing!Copy !req
273. Look! It's Pissmaster!Copy !req
274. Oh no, there's no time to dismantle it!
Come on, it's not safe here.Copy !req
275. Pisspop? Pisspop? Pisspop?Copy !req
276. - Pissmaster.
- Jerry, what are you doing here?Copy !req
277. Eugene Michael Piss. By decree of the
Andromeda strain, our great councilCopy !req
278. presents you with this orb,
which you have to take.Copy !req
279. Fuck off, Jerry,
I'm in the middle of something.Copy !req
280. Excuse me? Hey, this is the
greatest honor you could ever be given.Copy !req
281. - I don't want it!
- Well you have to take it.Copy !req
282. Jesus Christ, get the fuck out of here!Copy !req
283. He's flying it into space!
He's gonna sacrifice himself!Copy !req
284. Get back here, you ungrateful shit!Copy !req
285. What is your problem?Copy !req
286. - You're screwing up my hero death!
- Good!Copy !req
287. FlamingoDad wants us to blow up?
When did he become a shitheel?Copy !req
288. Life comes at you fast.Copy !req
289. - Jesus, Dad! People are filming!
- Yeah, maybe dial it back?Copy !req
290. - Rick?
- PissSuit!Copy !req
291. - Auto-pilot the payload!
- Confirmed.Copy !req
292. That's my fucking dad.Copy !req
293. - Jerry?
- Dad, are you okay?Copy !req
294. Your father is the fucking Pissmaster!Copy !req
295. Grandpa? What the hell?Copy !req
296. Jerry, what is this?
People are saying you turned shitheel?Copy !req
297. Well apparently my father-in-law
is Pissmaster so why don't you ask him?Copy !req
298. What the? Rick Sanchez, thePissmaster?
Okay, this is not a good look.Copy !req
299. This family, manCopy !req
300. Look, I don't know what kinda
weird shit you two are pullingCopy !req
301. but it's completely unstickworthy.
We're done here.Copy !req
302. But I didn't know! I'm a good guy,
I made you all famous!Copy !req
303. I'm a thousand years old.Copy !req
304. You know how many "Flamingo Dads"
I've seen? Don't orb us.Copy !req
305. I don't get it.
You were Pissmaster the whole time?Copy !req
306. Obviously not, Jerry, I put the
suit on once Pissmaster kill...Copy !req
307. When, when you made him...Copy !req
308. Yeah. I've always been Pissmaster.Copy !req
309. But, that would mean you let my dad
beat you up just so he could, like,Copy !req
310. feel more confident?Copy !req
311. - Damn, Rick.
- Yeah that's amazing.Copy !req
312. Hold on, everyone's just accepting this?
Wait wasn't Pissmaster an alien?Copy !req
313. - He obviously avatar'd it.
- Probably a robot.Copy !req
314. But why? Why would Rick evenCopy !req
315. - prop me up like that?
- Jesus, Jerry.Copy !req
316. Rick did something nice for once okay?
He's obviously trying to change.Copy !req
317. You are no longer worthy of Mitsubishi.Copy !req
318. Proud of you, Dad.
Or should I say: Pissmaster.Copy !req
319. Yeah Grandpa, sorry I yelled at you.Copy !req
320. And I guess I'm sorry for trying toCopy !req
321. stop you from killing yourself
with a nuclear bomb, I just...Copy !req
322. really
liked having an orb.Copy !req
323. Don't sweat it, Jer.
Piss under the bridge.Copy !req
324. Man, I guess the therapy worked, huh?Copy !req
325. Opening up, doing all that just
to make my dad feel good.Copy !req
326. That's pretty great of you, Rick.Copy !req
327. Yeah that's right, Morty. That's right.Copy !req
328. Wait Morty, you have to promise
not to tell anyoneCopy !req
329. but your dad made Pissmaster kill himself.Copy !req
330. - Oh man, what?
- Yeah, I mean, I found him deadCopy !req
331. and I put on his suit but look at this,
he literally blames your dad.Copy !req
332. Holy shit.Copy !req
333. Wait, you kept the suicide note?Copy !req
334. - That's so messed up!
- I know, I mean,Copy !req
335. I had to tell someone, Morty,Copy !req
336. - I couldn't just sit on that.
- And you expect me to?Copy !req
337. Morty, no! What are you doing?Copy !req
338. - What the hell? He killed himself?
- Jesus, Dad, you should've told us!Copy !req
339. - Especially if Jerry murdered him!
- Wait, don't say that,Copy !req
340. - I didn't murder!
- Hey, I thought it was pretty coolCopy !req
341. - that I withheld that information.
- But you didn't withhold it!Copy !req
342. - You're walking around with the note!
- Yeah Grandpa, you gotta like,Copy !req
343. keep it in your heart
as a great sacrifice,Copy !req
344. - that's the cool move.
- I mean, how am I the bad guy?Copy !req
345. He sprayed piss on us!
You all cheered me on!Copy !req
346. - You all cheered me on!
- Don't drag us into this.Copy !req
347. - A man is dead, Dad.
- Again, wasn't gonna say it,Copy !req
348. - but I told you this would happen.
- Get off your high horse.Copy !req
349. - Dr. Wong would be so proud.
- Go ahead and boo,Copy !req
350. - I was breathing piss, you think I care?
- Is this what it's like to trend?Copy !req
351. This is a nightmare, I should've
just let him pee on my daughter!Copy !req
352. What the hell, Dad?Copy !req
353. how about Jack Miller, aka CarJack?
He lifted a car off a stranger.Copy !req
354. - Next.
- Orb-no.Copy !req
355. We're fresh off a dad and a piss guy.Copy !req
356. Maybe we add someone
that's already powerful?Copy !req
357. We have to be realistic about
who we can get.Copy !req
358. - I have a pitch.
- We're not gonna add Scarlett Johansson.Copy !req
359. Next up: Mr. Nimbus. Lord of the oceans.Copy !req
360. I hear he controls the police.Copy !req
361. - The police?
- Orb-yes.Copy !req
362. Guys, I already checked, his reps say
he's really busy right now.Copy !req
363. - Everyone says that.
- And we're not busy?Copy !req