1. Now that was some fantastic chow meinCopy !req
2. and before you say that sounded racist,
you can ask the waiter how they say it.Copy !req
3. It's Panda Express, honey.
The waiter's from Portland.Copy !req
4. Alright who the hell changed my ringtone
to the theme from Taxi?Copy !req
5. It's a new thing on Taxi Tok,Copy !req
6. that's a subculture on TikTok of kids
who decided the theme from Taxi slaps.Copy !req
7. Now you have to play the Taxi theme
for ten people while I film it.Copy !req
8. I don't have to do shit, that's dumb.Copy !req
9. It raises awareness for leukemia.Copy !req
10. So. Who else is excited
for the zoo tomorrow?Copy !req
11. Zoos are my favorite kind
of non-water park.Copy !req
12. It's just a shame that they both
give you diarrhea.Copy !req
13. You only get diarrhea at the zooCopy !req
14. if you eat the food you're supposed
to feed to the animals.Copy !req
15. - Which you've done, twice.
- They put it in gumball machines.Copy !req
16. You know Fortune Cookies only come true
if you eat the cookie first.Copy !req
17. Alright. "Hard work often pays off?"
Lame.Copy !req
18. "Family time is time well spent."Copy !req
19. OK, that's not only empty,
it's been disproven.Copy !req
20. OK, mine says,
"Family time is time well..."Copy !req
21. Man I got the same one.Copy !req
22. What's your stupid twenty first century
watered down fortune cookie say, Dad?Copy !req
23. "You will have sex with your mother."Copy !req
24. Fortune cookies aren't legitimate, right?Copy !req
25. Jerry, are you seriously asking if I think
you're gonna have sex with your mom?Copy !req
26. No, I wanted to ask if it's okay with you
if I make myself throw up the cookie.Copy !req
27. If it makes you feel better
and you can do it quietly, yes,Copy !req
28. but don't hand that advice down to Summer.Copy !req
29. Can't do it. Sleepy Gary ruined
my Gag reflex,Copy !req
30. which is frustrating because
Sleepy Gary wasn't real.Copy !req
31. Neither are fortune cookies.
Go to sleep, Jerry.Copy !req
32. I know they're not real.
It's just, why is it so specific?Copy !req
33. And why are three of the numbers
a few numbers off from my Mom's birthday?Copy !req
34. - Can we investigate this, Rick?
- It's not an X-file, Jerry,Copy !req
35. you got the world's last
interesting fortuneCopy !req
36. Dad, can you explain to TikTok
what's going on with your mom?Copy !req
37. Summer, no social videoing.
What if Mi-Maw sees it?Copy !req
38. We can't let her know
this is a thing that might happen.Copy !req
39. - Might?
- She's calling again.Copy !req
40. - She doesn't usually call this much.
- Because you don't usually ghost herCopy !req
41. because you don't usually decide
you're at risk of...Copy !req
42. What if she's calling me
to tell me I'm adopted?Copy !req
43. Well, yeah, then you should
definitely hit that.Copy !req
44. - That's not funny!
- Jerry, you're making it funnyCopy !req
45. by taking it seriously.
And none of us will be laughingCopy !req
46. if you let this ruin our zoo trip.Copy !req
47. Rick. Can you use scienceCopy !req
48. - to make it impossible for me to...
- Jerry, you're insulting science.Copy !req
49. And as the most powerful man
in the universe,Copy !req
50. if I create technology to prevent
a random occurrence,Copy !req
51. I'll end up making it
more possible than random.Copy !req
52. - When do we leave for the zoo?
- One hour.Copy !req
53. - You have one hour to let go of this.
- I'm already done thinking about it.Copy !req
54. Check that out.Copy !req
55. No!Copy !req
56. Let me out! Let me out!Copy !req
57. - You have ten seconds.
- I want to go.Copy !req
58. You know of my love for the zoo.Copy !req
59. - Why are you dressed like Morty?
- Because Morty's mom is Beth.Copy !req
60. I'm not unpacking that.Copy !req
61. Okay, if you think I have this much
patience for the zoo, on Earth,Copy !req
62. - you're sorely mistaken.
- Jerry, if you don't come with usCopy !req
63. I will be so disappointedCopy !req
64. You guys should probably go on
without Jerry. I just took some readingsCopy !req
65. on his probability field and this fortune
has some strange powersCopy !req
66. - I'm gonna need to investigate.
- Really? God, I knew it.Copy !req
67. Okay. Well. Be careful, honey.Copy !req
68. Bring me back a handful
of zebra snacks?Copy !req
69. And please take pictures with
my favorite animal, the white tiger.Copy !req
70. - Because they breed via incest?
- Is that true?Copy !req
71. - I knew I was right.
- Not even close.Copy !req
72. I just didn't want to see someone
get bullied into going to a zoo.Copy !req
73. You may be the single dumbest
human I've ever met, Jerry,Copy !req
74. but you still have a right to take
whatever you want seriously.Copy !req
75. Thank you. But if that thing says
I'm not gonna do it with my mom,Copy !req
76. I can go to the zoo.Copy !req
77. Jerry, this thing measures
aberrations in probability waves,Copy !req
78. I didn't even bother to turn it on
because if I did...Copy !req
79. - What?
- Nothing. Don't get weird on me.Copy !req
80. But, since we're free for the afternoon,
you mind doing a quick activity?Copy !req
81. We're gonna disprove this
with efficient brute force.Copy !req
82. These are two shoeboxes, both are empty
but I wrote your mother's nameCopy !req
83. - on the inside of one.
- What? God no. If you think for a secondCopy !req
84. - I'm gonna put my...
- Good, I didn't wanna do this anyway.Copy !req
85. Fine! Can I just tell you which box
I would put my penis in?Copy !req
86. Saying it seems worse, but okay.Copy !req
87. Alright. I would put my penis
in the box on the right.Copy !req
88. Great, look in the other direction
and I'm gonna switch up the boxes.Copy !req
89. - This feels really low-tech.
- Yeah, cause we're measuring reality.Copy !req
90. I would take out my penis and place
it in the box on the right.Copy !req
91. Again.Copy !req
92. - I would put my penis...
- Jerry, you don't haveCopy !req
93. to say penis every time,
just left or rightCopy !req
94. - This was your idea.
- I didn't think it'd go on this long.Copy !req
95. - Okay, penis, Left.
- Keep going.Copy !req
96. Right.Copy !req
97. Left.Copy !req
98. - Right.
- Jerry are you fucking peeking?Copy !req
99. Tell me what's going on.
You're scaring me.Copy !req
100. Okay, I'm just as likely to shit a balloon
as I am to become a dolphin.Copy !req
101. Those are things that could happen?Copy !req
102. Jerry, everything is as likely
as anything else.Copy !req
103. Which is why it's weird
that you're at all likely to...Copy !req
104. To what? To what?Copy !req
105. Jerry, has your mother
been leaving messages?Copy !req
106. - Three texts. I'm afraid to read them.
- Read them.Copy !req
107. She's asking if she can come visit.
Why would she want that?Copy !req
108. Jerry, I'm gonna tell you something
I've never told anyone.Copy !req
109. We need to go to Panda Express.Copy !req
110. If these guys wanted my respect, they
could've just gotten a liquor license.Copy !req
111. Now you think this
has something to do with you?Copy !req
112. Jerry, whoever's behind that fortune
has, like, god powers.Copy !req
113. Of course it has something to do with me,Copy !req
114. what do you think I am in this story,
the father-in-law?Copy !req
115. You guys wanted my attention?Copy !req
116. Okay, well, now I'm getting mixed signals.Copy !req
117. Stay here, Jerry, time to kick ass.
Gonna need a soundtrack.Copy !req
118. Ship! Favorites playlist, track one!Copy !req
119. Alright, fine, no wrong answers.Copy !req
120. Tell me where you get
your cookies at and we canCopy !req
121. - all walk out of here alive! DEA?
- Fuck you, DEA piece of shit! Cookies?Copy !req
122. - Fortune cookies.
- You're not here about our gang'sCopy !req
123. - city-wide meth ring?
- What? No.Copy !req
124. Break the laws,
they shouldn't exist anyway.Copy !req
125. - I am embarrassed.
- Me too.Copy !req
126. - Sorry about these dead guys.
- Comes with the territory.Copy !req
127. - So where do you get your cookies?
- Same distributor as everyone else.Copy !req
128. - That's their truck out back.
- Solid.Copy !req
129. OK, I'm gonna take the truck
in exchange for not turning you in.Copy !req
130. Jeez, how much money can there be
in cookies that you get for free?Copy !req
131. And now we're being retina scanned?
I know! I've got a theory, Jerry.Copy !req
132. - Good.
- This place is run by Cookie Monster.Copy !req
133. He's really protective about his cookies.Copy !req
134. C'mon man you can't crack a smile?Copy !req
135. Yeah, you're worried about doing it
with your mom. Okay, fair enough.Copy !req
136. Fuckin' cameras everywhere. That cup
is a camera. That tree is a camera.Copy !req
137. - Can you disable them?
- Stealth rule number one:Copy !req
138. turning off 300 cameras draws
more attention than changing outfits.Copy !req
139. Looks like we need to dress for success.Copy !req
140. Eye of Thundara,
give me suits beyond suits.Copy !req
141. Jerry assistant clothing, make-up.Copy !req
142. - What the hell was that?
- Reuseable Sailor Moon sequence.Copy !req
143. If we ever need to show you
becoming my assistant again,Copy !req
144. we can repeat it and
save lots of money.Copy !req
145. Why does an operation bigger than
the government want me toCopy !req
146. couple with my mother?Copy !req
147. Bezos, Bill Gates, prime ministers.Copy !req
148. Weirdly Billy Zane is also here.Copy !req
149. Hello. You're about to meet me,
Jennith Padrow-Chunt.Copy !req
150. Fifteen years ago, I was living in
my parent's garage,Copy !req
151. eating ramen out of a toilet
when I discovered something.Copy !req
152. Fate isn't fiction. Everything you want
can be yours, if you ask for it.Copy !req
153. Just ask me.Copy !req
154. - Hello, me.
- Hello, me.Copy !req
155. Look at me's. Every suit I wear
is virgin white.Copy !req
156. I sleep on a bed of loose grains,
and begin every morning by draggingCopy !req
157. my perfect vagina across
Chinese silver grass. I'm firm and ripe.Copy !req
158. My mother's plane just landed.
She took a photo at the airport,Copy !req
159. in front of that Wolfgang Puck
that smells like a kindergarten.Copy !req
160. Want to know the secret
to how I changed my future?Copy !req
161. - Yes.
- Well, once you're a level seven investorCopy !req
162. you'll learn that and more.Copy !req
163. Yeah, we're not getting the answers
we want here. Let's go deeper.Copy !req
164. And now, thanks to your
generous contributions,Copy !req
165. here are this year's cookies.Copy !req
166. "You will receive a six-point-eight
percent year on year increase" Very nice.Copy !req
167. "Your talents are appreciated
when you become junior partner."Copy !req
168. Holy shit I'm gonna be on
'Dancing with the Stars'!Copy !req
169. - Please, I can get the money. I swear!
- I'm afraid it's too late for that.Copy !req
170. God what does it say?Copy !req
171. Your penis will be mangled by
afrozen yogurt machine at the U.N.!Copy !req
172. I know that machine!Copy !req
173. This would sound impossible to a layman
but to me it rings inevitable!Copy !req
174. Holy shit. This is real.
They're controlling fate for profit.Copy !req
175. I'm glad you're happy, now can we
blow up the building or something?Copy !req
176. I don't think that's the best way
to take away their power, Jerry.Copy !req
177. Let's take it in a way
that ends with us having it.Copy !req
178. - You mean you having it.
- I'll share it.Copy !req
179. - Then you fuck my mom.
- That's not how it worksCopy !req
180. - and I already have.
- What?Copy !req
181. Jesus, Jerry, come on.Copy !req
182. How unfortunate.Copy !req
183. Use the emergency fortunes!Copy !req
184. Fighting Fortunes? They're leveling up.Copy !req
185. "You'll have great success in a fight"Copy !req
186. I'll be damnedCopy !req
187. Fuck! This both sucks and
is really valuable data!Copy !req
188. - Rick what are you doing?
- Using you as a human shield!Copy !req
189. You said it! You said the thing
I thought you were doing!Copy !req
190. We've got intruders. And one of them
has an unresolved fortune.Copy !req
191. - We need that man's mother.
- Lot of mothers in the world, ma'am.Copy !req
192. But only one of them is Mrs.Copy !req
193. God damn it, Smith?Copy !req
194. So are we going to ignore that you
tried to stop bullets using my body?Copy !req
195. You have an unresolved fortune.
Until you have sex with your mom,Copy !req
196. you're basically immortal. Do you have
any idea how amazing that is?Copy !req
197. You don't even care about me.
You just want fortune cookie power.Copy !req
198. Okay, Jerry, how about this.
If it comes down to it,Copy !req
199. - I promise I'll put a bullet in her head.
- No!Copy !req
200. You're right, the fortune didn't say
she'd be alive, did it?Copy !req
201. - I hate you!
- Hate productive things.Copy !req
202. Hate crawling through a fucking air vent.Copy !req
203. Those are those weird hex headed screws.
Do your screwdriver fingers...Copy !req
204. Here you go.Copy !req
205. Well, at least we have no idea
what's going on.Copy !req
206. That's a Lockerean.
It's a species that eats chaos.Copy !req
207. But It has a digestive disorder
Its stomach is stripping randomnessCopy !req
208. from spacetime and leaving behind
superdense pockets of energyCopy !req
209. that bend entropy towards
definable outcomes.Copy !req
210. I mean, that's how fate works.
It's a field, like gravity,Copy !req
211. but instead of pulling small toward big
it pulls unknown toward known.Copy !req
212. - So we do know what's going on.
- We know this:Copy !req
213. everyone that's had a fortune cookie
in the last twenty yearsCopy !req
214. has eaten this thing's poop.
Fortune cookies are alien poop.Copy !req
215. These fortunes are so basic.Copy !req
216. Why wouldn't you use this
power to change the world?Copy !req
217. Or at least get Nintendo
to make a portable VR headset.Copy !req
218. This place ain't for creating
the future, but controlling it.Copy !req
219. Hi, I'm Old. Old M. Hucksbee.
The M. Stands for Man.Copy !req
220. You're an arch little character.
You're the reason fortune cookies suck?Copy !req
221. No, that's Jenneth Chunt's idea.Copy !req
222. You have to glut the marketplace
with pointless fortunesCopy !req
223. to increase the value of real ones.Copy !req
224. Controlling destiny for a price,
that's the Fortune 500's fortune.Copy !req
225. - And you're trying to stop them?
- Just trying to get out.Copy !req
226. I want to be free with this here
alien gal so we can get married.Copy !req
227. Then we can have relations.Copy !req
228. Can't do that before marriage, you know.
I'm a Catholic.Copy !req
229. Does the alien want that?Copy !req
230. It's not exactly what I'd call
a sentient species.Copy !req
231. A man knows.Copy !req
232. What does this have to do with me?Copy !req
233. You put this in my cookie.Copy !req
234. I been trying to get people's attention.
I'd make fortunes sayingCopy !req
235. "You're gonna break your leg unless
you investigate this cookie company."Copy !req
236. or "please come help me or
a virus will shut down the world,"Copy !req
237. finally I just made a bunch that saidCopy !req
238. "You're gonna have sex
with your own momma."Copy !req
239. How many?
It, what happened to the others?Copy !req
240. I 'spose they fucked their moms.Copy !req
241. Now let's cut her chains
and get the hell out of here.Copy !req
242. Well, shit on a spaghetti.Copy !req
243. Hello Jerry Smith.
Glad you could join usCopy !req
244. - on bring your mother to work day.
- Mom!Copy !req
245. Hi, Jerry. Your friends
picked me up in a limousine.Copy !req
246. They said you won something and
I should be the one to give it to you?Copy !req
247. - You sick fucks.
- Are you guys enjoying this?Copy !req
248. I used to think I was
just a regular white woman.Copy !req
249. Then I discovered I could
control my destiny.Copy !req
250. All white women think that.
The truth is, this alien crashedCopy !req
251. - in your yard and you ate its shit.
- How dare you. What's your name?Copy !req
252. How dare you?
We should've blown up the building.Copy !req
253. Doesn't matter.
All I was gonna say is:Copy !req
254. guess what, insert name,
time for you to eat shit. But first.Copy !req
255. - No, I'm so wet.
- No.Copy !req
256. Jerry. Come back and block bullets.Copy !req
257. Authorizing the use of prototype fortunes.Copy !req
258. - Fuck!
- You can't hide.Copy !req
259. My fortune said "eadshots Only."Copy !req
260. Harry, Greg, Lashawn,
Dave C, Dave M, no!Copy !req
261. You piece of shit you killed my friends.Copy !req
262. Alright, what does the future hold?Copy !req
263. Maybe I can Pokémon this shit.Copy !req
264. Blast him or we're both gonna die.Copy !req
265. Oh god, oh god.Copy !req
266. You control-control water.
Like, the water inside a guy.Copy !req
267. That's a gross power.Copy !req
268. I'm gonna let you live because
your fortune sucks.Copy !req
269. You can't kill me.
I can't be killed.Copy !req
270. Trust me, that's not
as good as it sounds.Copy !req
271. It hurts! It burns!Copy !req
272. Fuck! Oh my god my ribs!
I can feel my shattered ribs.Copy !req
273. Shit these are useless.
Where are the fighting fortunes?Copy !req
274. No no! Those are blanks!
Without fortunes,Copy !req
275. - the effects are completely unpredictable!
- Alright.Copy !req
276. I am the son of god.Copy !req
277. Jerry! Help me, Jerry!Copy !req
278. Mom, stay away! Just stay away!Copy !req
279. Come on and fuck already!Copy !req
280. Ma'am, is it possible we're being
given a chance to take a step backCopy !req
281. and examine our behav...Copy !req
282. You can't kill me, old man.
I also have an unresolved fortune.Copy !req
283. "The most successful
businesswoman on Earth?"Copy !req
284. You could do anything you wanted
and you chose... work?Copy !req
285. Every day I get closer
to an unattainable goal.Copy !req
286. A one-woman lifestyle brand, forever.Copy !req
287. Well, I just used a dark web account
to hack Goldman Sachs,Copy !req
288. remove trillions of dollars, and purchase
everything your company offers.Copy !req
289. Congratulations, you're officially the
most successful business woman on Earth.Copy !req
290. Fortune fulfilled. And now,
I'm emptying your bank accountsCopy !req
291. and giving the money back
to Goldman Sachs.Copy !req
292. Because I sit dead center
on the alignment chart.Copy !req
293. You son of a bitch!Copy !req
294. How does it feel to achieve your dreams?
Empty, right?Copy !req
295. Like when DiCaprio won the Oscar.
You could see it in his face.Copy !req
296. I still have one more dream,Copy !req
297. watching you die, Rick Sanchez!Copy !req
298. You knew my name.Copy !req
299. She's free!
Run, run my beauty!Copy !req
300. Well, butterfly on a corncob.Copy !req
301. I see that I've romanticized a wild animal
the same way Margret Howe didCopy !req
302. when she jerked off that dolphin
in the nineteen-and sixty's.Copy !req
303. Both she and I assaulted
a captive creature,Copy !req
304. then expected it to be reciprocal.Copy !req
305. Welp, joopity boot! Time to die.Copy !req
306. Follow me, my queen!Copy !req
307. That's all the bad guys down,
we almost got this, Jer.Copy !req
308. No!Copy !req
309. Sticks to walls guy,
I guess we were both wrong!Copy !req
310. Oh god.Copy !req
311. - Rick, please!
- Jerry, I've got the creature.Copy !req
312. - I knew it. I knew it.
- God damn itCopy !req
313. Oh god!Copy !req
314. Goddammit.Copy !req
315. - Holy shit that was close.
- Close to what?Copy !req
316. Close to everyone but your son
getting anything they want forever.Copy !req
317. You saved me.Copy !req
318. I will never stop holding this over you.
As if that buys me anything.Copy !req
319. We should get you some clothes, son.Copy !req
320. I can just feel the savings.Copy !req
321. Hey wait. Got this
at the crazy place we just were.Copy !req
322. It may look like someone stuck a
hand-written fortune in there last second,Copy !req
323. but I'm pretty sure
that's just the way it came.Copy !req
324. Besides, these don't mean anything.Copy !req
325. Jerry, while I appreciate the sentiment,Copy !req
326. thisis a huge waste
of the last real fortune.Copy !req
327. - I'm sorry, I just...
- It's cool, it's cool.Copy !req
328. Thanks, friend.Copy !req
329. - Friend! Did you just say friend?
- What, what did I do?Copy !req
330. You fucking idiot! I'm not your friend!
Why did you think I was your friend?Copy !req
331. - Look at this you piece of shit.
- Yeah, yeah, yes, soCopy !req
332. I was immortal!
I was immortal for that whole fight!Copy !req
333. All I had to do was
never make a new friend!Copy !req
334. - Jesus fucking Christ Jerry.
- I'm sorry! We're not friends!Copy !req
335. Yeah, too late, bonehead, it doesn't say
"new permanent friend,"Copy !req
336. all friendships end.
Especially new ones.Copy !req
337. Well maybe that's a fate
the two of us still control.Copy !req
338. - I'm sorry I did that.
- It's fine.Copy !req
339. The zoo, animals, balloons, moats, cages.
A fun time for the whole family.Copy !req
340. But you don't care about that,
you're a zebra.Copy !req
341. You're here for the unparalleled dining
experience of hand-fed zebra food.Copy !req
342. Delicious. Wait, don't eat.
That's for the zebras.Copy !req
343. It's making you sick.
What are you doing?Copy !req
344. Jesus, why have they left all the zebra
feeding to the people who come to the zooCopy !req
345. Is that the only way the zebras
can get food? They're so hungry.Copy !req
346. What the fuck is happening?
We're out of zebra food, okay?Copy !req
347. There's no food left,
don't come to the zoo.Copy !req
348. This was supposed to be a commercial
for zebras, targeted to zebras!Copy !req
349. The premise itself was questionable
but this is a nightmare!Copy !req
350. Don't go to the zoo.
Stay away from the zoo.Copy !req
351. God what are you doing in the booth?
Get out! Get out, you're mad...Copy !req
352. Eat it. Eat zebra food.Copy !req
353. Okay, I guess I can't blame Dad
for being confused about what to doCopy !req
354. with the zebra food. Also, I have no idea
why they're running this ad, likeCopy !req
355. on a loop? There were murders in it.Copy !req
356. And it was specifically telling you to do
the thing it didn't want you to do,Copy !req
357. until the very end,
when it reversed.Copy !req
358. Why would they sell the zebra food
in the gift shop, unless.Copy !req
359. I mean, do the zebras shop in here?
Are we the ones in the zoo?Copy !req
360. Is that the twist?
OK, we're, it's a human zoo. Got it.Copy !req