Rick and Morty 6x2

1. Hey, you kids! Don't be bad outside my store!

2. I keep a nice store!

3. Give it up, old man!

4. We're just cool bad kids doing young stuff! Chh!

5. You guys wanna do more skateboard moves?

6. Which ones? The rad ones, that's which!

7. How are you kids?

8. Did you know your grandpa's tryin' to get your attention?

9. Yeah, yeah, screw off, weirdo.

10. Grandson, w-w-what's that mean?

11. He's one of those cult people.

12. They worship some psycho named Roy

13. that says he's everybody's grandpa.

14. So what do you want to do today, e-eat some snacks

15. and maybe let me kiss you finally?

16. Y'know, with my mouth and stuff?

17. This is going on right now.

18. L-Let's go check it out. Aw, geez.

19. C-Come on, just for fun, you know?

20. No, that's not what I'm—

21. You guys keep thinking I'm a religious leader.

22. This isn't a religion. This is actual truth.

23. I'm a scientist in real life,

24. but this isn't real life, this is a video game.

25. Y-Y-You at least understand that much, right?

26. This is a video game?

27. But you said I'm your grandson?

28. I'm saying everyone is.

29. Everyone here, everyone in this world but me.

30. You're all my grandson, your name is Morty,

31. you're stuck in a video game, and I'm here to get you out.

32. What about me? Am I your grandson?

33. I just said everyone is!

34. - Wow! - Incredible!

35. Okay, okay, but don't react like that.

36. It's not a religion. This is what is happening.

37. You and me and your sister are at an arcade

38. called Blips and Chitz.

39. It's been taken over by terrorists.

40. The power went out, the game restarted,

41. and your identity has been splintered

42. into all the non-player characters.

43. So I jacked in as Roy, that's the player character,

44. to get you, my grandson, Morty,

45. out of the game before it's over and you die.

46. Okay, question over here.

47. Am I your grandson? Jesus! Yes!

48. Every single one of you is one five-billionth of Morty.

49. All of you, collectively, are Morty.

50. Look, I-I don't wanna seem impatient

51. but there's actually a lot more that we have to get done

52. so if this is how hard it's gonna be,

53. we are in a lot of trou—

54. Summer, what?

55. I can't do this if you keep bugging me!

56. Do you understand time dilation?

57. I'm losing a month a second out here.

58. There's an alien army shooting people.

59. What am I doing?

60. It's a small group of alien terrorists.

61. Just do a "Die Hard." What does that mean?

62. Sneak around, use air vents. You've never seen "Die Hard"?

63. I'm 17. No, I've never seen fucking "Die Hard"!

64. Well, neither did the guy in "Die Hard,"

65. so you're nailing it! Good luck!

66. Larry...

67. No, I'm at the end of my rope with this kid,

68. I swear to God...

69. Oh, you gotta be kidding me!

70. Your beautiful hair!

71. This is not a daughter's haircut!

72. I'm not a daughter, I'm a grandson.

73. Your family had a perfectly fine religion!

74. You were raised Jewish!

75. Dad, tell me anything specific about being Jewish.

76. There's a million things!

77. You go to the temple with the— the— the special hat,

78. t-the falafafluten—

79. Oh, the falafafluten?

80. Our Jewish words are gibberish

81. because we're a 14-year-old boy

82. who was raised nondenominational Christian

83. and we're in a video game!

84. I don't need to hear this schmoitenheiven!

85. Let me ask you this, little miss grandson,

86. little miss video game character.

87. If you're not my daughter, why stand in my house

88. spouting this chatschkopfka?

89. Why even live here?

90. Good question.

91. There she goes! My daughter!

92. One five-billionth of a kid trapped in a video game!

93. Yeah, that and a college degree'll pay the rent!

94. What do you people want?

95. We have many interests,

96. but right now my primary one is the location.

97. Of. Your. Safe.

98. We exchange tokens for digital currency.

99. We don't have a safe.

100. Correction, what you don't have is a head.

101. Ohh!

102. Is this a weapon or a medical tool?

103. Why would you give me a gun with a laser that thin?

104. Did you hear me tell him he wouldn't have a head?

105. - He's dead, isn't he? - People die in surgery.

106. Hey! Who don't touched me?

107. I don't like being touched!

108. Check the hostages.

109. Make sure nobody else here is doing a "Die Hard."

110. - Alright! Yeah! - Aw, geez!

111. Yeah. Look. I feel like every time I explain this,

112. I lose followers, but this isn't a religion.

113. And while I do have a message from a world beyond this one,

114. and I do need the entire world to hear my message,

115. what I do not need is any more songs about it.

116. Not in this genre.

117. I'm an old-school hip-hop man,

118. and no, that's not an invitation for you to try it

119. because I'm just gonna say it,

120. we're missing the mark on diversity.

121. Get down!

122. You're all under arrest for being religious the wrong way!

123. It's not a religion! You know what, just shoot me.

124. You think your god makes you bulletproof?

125. There isn't even a God in the real world,

126. you fragmented putz.

127. There's extra no God in here.

128. You know what, hippie?

129. Talking like that is why you're getting shot!

130. If you kill him, the game ends and we all die.

131. Get down, lady! I'm not a lady.

132. And you're not a soldier.

133. We're one person, split into a lot of little pieces.

134. Y-You feel me? Dawg?

135. Y-Y-You're not gonna hurt me. You're me.

136. My name is Kevin! I'm a Marine! I'm 30!

137. I'm a little racist but my best friend

138. is an immigrant that translated for me

139. in a generic overseas war!

140. That's not true.

141. We're 14, we like pizza and masturbation,

142. we wear a yellow shirt,

143. and we have hair that looks like a brown helmet.

144. A-And we miss our family.

145. And we're in way over our heads again.

146. Why's this always happen, man?

147. I know, right?

148. Aw, geez. Come here.

149. - Aw, geez. - Aw, geez.

150. Who is that?

151. Her video game name is Marta.

152. Okay. See, this I can work with.

153. "Sneak around. Crawl in some vents.

154. Do a 'Die Hard.'"

155. Oh, my God, it's disgusting!

156. Actually, it tastes really good.

157. Oh, my God, it's disgusting that it tastes good!

158. Frank, have you found him? Report.

159. Oh. Oh. Walkie talkie. That's "Die Hard."

160. Don't have to see it to know that.

161. This is Jons. I repeat, have you found him?

162. Breaker, breaker. Walkie talkie.

163. I got your walkie talkie. Bitch.

164. Are you doing a "Die Hard"?

165. Maybe.

166. Are... you? Also?

167. More or less.

168. And my associate, Frank?

169. Uh, your associate Frank is definitely not

170. doing a "Die Hard."

171. You might even say he's doing a Die Easy.

172. Because I killed him and it wasn't difficult.

173. Calm yourself, Winslow.

174. Winslow!

175. Ugh.

176. It's not every day one meets a fellow

177. "Die Hard" enthusiast, Ms...

178. Call me "Die Hard."

179. Okay, Die Hard.

180. Tell me. What do you know about "Die Hard"?

181. What do you care? You writing a book about "Die Hard"?

182. As a matter of fact, I've written several.

183. Every sentient civilization across the galaxy

184. eventually develops the same myth.

185. In Centauri, it's known as "Tower Man."

186. The Orionese have their "Thornberg Cycle."

187. And in Andromeda it's called

188. "Foolish to Have Imagined You'd Be Able to Kill."

189. All of them what you'd call "Die Hard."

190. The difference being that cultures like mine

191. are aware of its importance whereas I'm starting to doubt

192. you could even recall a single line.

193. Walkie talkie "Die Hard," motherfucker.

194. Aaah!

195. News Anchor: Not so long ago, Grandsonism was being dismissed

196. as a doomsday cult.

197. But since a majority of the world decided,

198. hey you know what, we like jerking off

199. and playing video games and our sister is out there

200. fighting terrorists, major strides have been made.

201. The world is united, because the world

202. is one 14-year-old boy, Morty.

203. But where's it all coming from?

204. Some say Grandsonism's leader, Roy,

205. has a secret base somewhere in these mountains.

206. I-I-I couldn't find it so I'm standing in—

207. in the general area with a microphone.

208. For Good Enough News, I'm Tony!

209. There she is, my right-hand Morty!

210. Got enough spaceships? Not yet.

211. I figure five more years of game time

212. before I can take the whole fake population

213. into fake outer space.

214. What do we do in outer space?

215. Nothing. It's fake. W-We keep going.

216. The game's map has edges,

217. but the game's engine will let us go past them.

218. That will force the game to reset,

219. but first it will kick us out, which Morty should survive.

220. I mean, whatever amount of Morty we have on board.

221. So if you don't have five billion handkerchiefs

222. soaked in chloroform,

223. I hope you can keep flipping idiots to our cause.

224. They're not idiots, Grandpa.

225. They're me. Ha.

226. You'll know how funny that is when we get back.

227. By the way, I had your genius of a father picked up.

228. He's over there. What? Why?

229. I thought you'd be grateful and less distracted

230. than if I let him die.

231. He's been in real bad shape since he lost his wife—

232. My mom?

233. Your not-at-all-real mom, a mom in a video game.

234. Occupied by a tiny fraction of yourself.

235. A fraction of yourself which is now dead forever,

236. and fractions add up, so I had your dad brought here.

237. You're welcome, you heartless monster.

238. Marta. It's me, Dad.

239. I converted for you.

240. My name is Morty. So is yours.

241. And there's no conversion.

242. We're both Morty. It's a fact.

243. Sure, honey, anything you say.

244. I don't want to fight. I'm proud of you.

245. Are you mad at me because before you became

246. the world's most powerful woman, I shamed you for your haircut

247. and called you a slutty jobless hobo?

248. If I were you, I'd be a little mad about that.

249. You are me. A-and why would I be mad at myself?

250. Good point! Is there anything to— to eat around here?

251. There's a kitchenette in the break room.

252. Oh, a kitchenette you say. Such red carpet treatment.

253. Excuse me? I said thank you, I love it,

254. we— we— we're all part of Morty!

255. Some of us more important parts than others...

256. Man, the part of me that's my father is a twat.

257. That's also gonna be funny when we get back.

258. Next time you try to do a "Die Hard,"

259. don't hide under a long table like the guy from "Die Hard."

260. Okay, I won't.

261. I thought you said she doesn't know how to do a "Die Hard"!

262. She doesn't.

263. She's killing us off one by one!

264. What do you expect her to do, buy us each an ice cream?

265. Two by two? She's improvising.

266. Which is how she's going to fall right into our trap.

267. I'm going to wander the arcade unarmed,

268. and when she comes across me, I'll pretend to be a hostage.

269. And because she hasn't seen "Die Hard,"

270. instead of handing me an unloaded gun,

271. she'll hand me a— ugh!

272. "Die Hard"! "Die Hard"! "Die Hard"!

273. What the hell was that?

274. "Die Hard"! "Die Hard"!

275. You can't just keep yelling "Die Hard"

276. into a walkie talkie and— ugh!

277. She threw her walkie talkie away!

278. She hates "Die Hard"!

279. Which makes her the ultimate McClane.

280. Forget everything you know about "Die Hard"

281. and just go shoot that bitch!

282. President Leland: Thank you for meeting with me, Mr. Roy.

283. Half the country hangs on your every word.

284. Heck, most of the world.

285. You're, like, uh, kind of a pope, I reckon.

286. L— I'm not a pope because it's not a religion.

287. We're literally in a video game.

288. I've heard the message, Roy. You're not on the clock here.

289. So you want every single person on a spaceship.

290. But you got a bunch of holdouts.

291. Maybe people that prefer their leaders a little more elected.

292. Right. Your voters.

293. People that like being told what to do

294. but don't like admitting it.

295. Yeah, not sure I'd put it that way.

296. I'm sure you'd put it a stupid way.

297. I told you this was a waste of time.

298. I've got 92% of you ready to vamoose.

299. We're not gonna get the rest by making deals with parasites.

300. Mr. President, Roy is Rick.

301. He's not us. You and I, w-we're Morty.

302. Is that really so hard to believe?

303. Kid, I've known it and I've believed it

304. longer than you have.

305. We both became video game characters at the same moment,

306. but I knew the truth before you dropped your skateboard

307. and went to your first cult meeting.

308. How do you think a guy becomes a President in this game, honey?

309. By not paying attention?

310. Sorry to call you honey,

311. I know we're both parts of a 14-year-old boy,

312. but my part's old-fashioned and vaguely Southern.

313. I'm confused. If— If you know Rick is real, why—

314. Why hold out? Because he's a rude, entitled cock.

315. He's here to save us.

316. He— He could've left the game and let us die.

317. He's spent 50 years—

318. 50 years, it's what, a couple hours to him?

319. He refuses to leave without his grandson,

320. but what's grandson mean to him?

321. Sounds like it means butler.

322. Someone to "Help Summer with her 'Die Hard,'"

323. whatever that means.

324. I'll tell you what it doesn't mean.

325. Fly fishing. A hug.

326. A little appreciation for what is clearly a pretty decent kid.

327. At least the 8% of him that makes up the decent half

328. of the greatest God damn nation on the planet.

329. We're not a person to him yet.

330. We're not Morty yet. We-We're divided.

331. We're divided because some of us doesn't trust the guy.

332. What happens to that part of us when we're all back together?

333. One Morty? Indivisible?

334. Under a cranky old bag of dicks?

335. A man you can lock in a box with five billion pieces

336. of his own God damn flesh and blood

337. for 50 God damn simulated years

338. and never hear him say "I love you"?

339. Sorry, pumpkin tits, that dog don't hunt.

340. Wa-Want some heroin?

341. I-It's a video game, might as well.

342. Just about ready for launch, kiddo.

343. I can finally get outta these clothes.

344. I don't have nearly enough pockets.

345. And it'll be nice to have my own dick back.

346. Y-you're fine leaving 8% of me to die?

347. It's not your finest 8%, Morty.

348. And 8% of anything is expendable.

349. 8% of pizza is crust.

350. 8% of the Snyder Cut was Batman dreaming.

351. I don't know what that reference is!

352. We're in a video game!

353. Not for long, baby!

354. I'm not leaving without all of me.

355. What? Oh, no, let me crunch these numbers.

356. 8% of five billion plus one person—

357. my God, if you stay, it changes nothing! Bye.

358. If she's not going, I don't think my country wants to go.

359. Who invited you to chime in, monitor face?

360. Why give me a monitor if my opinion doesn't matter?

361. Your opinion isn't allowed to matter for the rest of us.

362. We're all a-Morty.

363. How many chunks of us are we a-supposed to give up?

364. Look, I don't know about you, but I was already

365. taking a big leap of faith, here.

366. We-We're basically giving up our lives

367. to become a tiny part of a stranger—

368. These lives aren't a-real!

369. Yeah, but they're longer!

370. What— What is this, suicide by summit meeting?

371. Everyone stop.

372. Rick, I'll get every single part of me

373. to get on every ship and go with you. Good.

374. But you have to tell us you love us.

375. I mean, at this point even if he said it,

376. what— what— what's with the pause?

377. Screw you, wait for it!

378. - Holy war! - Holier war!

379. Holiest war ever!

380. News Anchor: Loyalist Evacucratic Grandsonistas

381. claimed seven new cities today

382. while the Stayputlican Contrasurgent Confederation

383. of Dedication to Video Game Reality

384. invaded the territories of Mortopia,

385. New South Saint Morty, and Wemortyall.

386. In the end, what does it matter, everyone's Morty,

387. nobody wants to die, and that's a hell of a reason

388. to kill yourself, but what can we do?

389. Aw, geez.

390. You know you're my grandson and none of this is real!

391. What are you trying to achieve? You're only hurting yourself!

392. The only reason any of us matter is we're pieces of Morty!

393. You taught us that, Rick.

394. But you also taught us you don't care about Morty.

395. Here's how much I care.

396. If you don't stop blowing up my flying saucers,

397. I will exterminate every last one of you!

398. Anything it takes!

399. What do I have to say? I love and respect you, okay?

400. Too late for talk, Rick.

401. A robot. Of course.

402. I'm not gonna risk dying because if I die in the game,

403. you go brain dead, you're welcome!

404. Better to die in Roy than to serve in hell!

405. And what about Summer? Do— Do you not care about her?

406. We gotta get back, Morty. We gotta help her.

407. You know what, wherever she is,

408. I'm sure she's doing fine without your help.

409. Woof, jinx, anyone?

410. Should we finish the job, b-blow the place?

411. No, this can't end, not like this.

412. Do you think I jinxed her?

413. Why aren't you shooting higher?

414. I don't wanna shoot the glass. Because...

415. You don't have to not do things that were done in "Die Hard."

416. You can shoot the glass. Shoot the glass!

417. Throw grenades! Do everything!

418. Just kill her!

419. Why are you here, Miss Die Hard?

420. I want to know why you don't just leave.

421. "Die Hard"!

422. Wait. Shh. Shh.

423. Aw, geez, we get every single person on a spaceship,

424. and then what?

425. And then we help your sister do her "Die Hard."

426. Too much. It's too much.

427. Ooh, sorry.

428. I've got a special guest with me, Ms. Die Hard!

429. Or should I call you...

430. this guy's sister?

431. Mom.

432. Hello, dear.

433. I'm joining the other side.

434. What? Why?

435. I wanna live in the real world with Roy.

436. I wanna help Summer with her Die Hard."

437. His name is Rick. And we have no way of knowing

438. if your generation is actually part of Morty.

439. Do you know how offensive that is?

440. It's parenting like this that pushed me

441. into religious radicalism.

442. Bye. It's not—

443. Not a religion.

444. But okay.

445. Ma'am, it's really not safe out here.

446. Also, it's... time.

447. Are we going on the spaceship now?

448. Pretty soon, Dad. Yeah.

449. Are you... lying?

450. You kind of said it with that tone in your voice

451. that we use for dying people.

452. I won't lie to you. You're dying, Dad.

453. And we're...

454. not leaving the video game.

455. We're— We're gonna live our lives out here.

456. What? Why the fuck?

457. Why? It's more real here.

458. The hell it is! My liver hurts!

459. I'm old here!

460. I wanna be a teenage boy!

461. I want to jump around and do homework

462. and jerk off all over the place.

463. But, Dad, that's—

464. We would've been one tiny part of that.

465. In here, we get to be who we really are.

466. Yeah. Great. Dead.

467. I get to be a dead father.

468. Who do I make the—

469. Who do I— Who—

470. Don't talk, Dad.

471. Gotta finish my zinger

472. You don't.

473. Who do— Who do—

474. Who do I make the check out to?

475. "Best Daughter Ever...

476. Incorporated"?

477. Thought you woulda left by now.

478. I was hoping to get at least half of you home.

479. I can't hold out much longer.

480. I-I'm pretty much beating my heart voluntarily at this point.

481. Okay, this is a little awkward,

482. but the time dilation has given me a chance to reflect.

483. And I-I-I gotta say—

484. There's no need for that.

485. I've come to tell you, I'm giving the go-ahead.

486. All of Morty will leave with you.

487. To the real world.

488. To be your grandson,

489. may we help Summer do her "Die Hard."

490. I-I gotta say, I-I was not expecting that.

491. W-Why the change of heart?

492. My people are staying only out of loyalty to me.

493. I'm a relic.

494. I don't represent them anymore.

495. You really are a good grandson, you know that?

496. I'm proud of you, Morty.

497. Please, call me Marta.

498. That's my video game name.

499. Speaking of which, I do have one condition.

500. I must say I admire you, Ms. Die Hard.

501. You were a genuine McClane—

502. a most worthy Yankee doodle ruffian.

503. But now it's all come to an end.

504. And the quarterback, as they say, is toast.

505. I don't suppose you have a gun taped to your back.

506. What the hell does that mean?

507. It's how "Die Hard" ends. Doesn't matter now.

508. "Die Hard" tapes a gun to his back?

509. That's the end of your perfect movie

510. that you've patterned your whole criminal life after?

511. Well, it seems to have worked out pretty well for me

512. since you're the one about to die.

513. What was it you said? Ah, yes.

514. "Walkie talkie 'Die Hard,' motherfucker."

515. Why are you laughing?

516. Well, it's funny.

517. The way you said motherfucker.

518. Just laughing. Okay. It's just that—

519. Oh, does that happen in "Die Hard"?

520. Does John McClane laugh,

521. and then Hans Gruber is confused

522. but then they start laughing together for a second?

523. That actually does happen, yes!

524. Wait. You knew their names this whole time?

525. Not this whole time, no.

526. You left your book in the bathroom.

527. I read it while I took a shit.

528. I mean, mostly the ending.

529. Yiiiiiiiiiii...

530. ippppppeeeeeeeee...

531. Oh.

532. dippee doo, baby!

533. Nice timing, Grandpa Rick!

534. Tochter aus Elysium...

535. Uh...

536. Hi, remember me?

537. You shot me on that table,

538. and the near-death experience got me reflecting.

539. I didn't used to be like this.

540. I-I... uh, ate a kid.

541. It was dark, and I thought he was a grown-up.

542. Ever since then, I haven't eaten anybody at all.

543. I think I was channeling all that pent-up

544. eating energy into this job.

545. But now...

546. Thank you for freeing me.

547. Classic "Tower Man."

548. Almost too on the nose. Right, Morty?

549. Sure. I mean, whatever you say, Rick.

550. Y-You know best! I trust you implicitly.

551. Is he alright?

552. Oh, yeah, he's fine.

553. Got him all out, every last piece.

554. What's with the jacked-up "Roy" machine?

555. Shouldn't you be taking that to repairs?

556. Nah, special order.

557. Some rich douche wants his last game to keep running.

558. Hooked it up to an external battery.

559. We're just supposed to store it.

560. Weird. Yeah, and get this.

561. The game's still going, but Roy's dead.

562. What? Yeah, he's just a corpse

563. floating at the edge of outer space,

564. but for some reason the game won't restart

565. 'cause it's centered on some old lady living a full life.

566. Hmm. Sounds bad.

567. Well, put it in there.

568. Hey is anybody that wants this later gonna be able to—

569. Huh? Oh, yeah, everything's cataloged and tracked.

570. People got the wrong idea from the size of the space,

571. but it's all supported digitally.

572. So I can put it anywhere. Here's fine?

573. That's as fine as anywhere else!

574. Why isn't anyone attacking him?

575. It's fucking freezing out.

576. No, I think it's the sign.

577. Well, the sign from "Die Hard 3" was clearly racist.

578. Obviously. But I think we went too broad.

579. "Everybody"? I mean, who is that offending?

580. Everybody?

581. At this point, why even do it?

582. I wish my brother was still alive.

583. Did you get any of that?