1. Wait, what's that? Do I hear something
coming down the chimney?Copy !req
2. Rick Santa-chez here with gifts
from across the multiverse!Copy !req
3. - Yes.
- Oh my god.Copy !req
4. For Jerry, an extradimensional version
of Miracle on 34th Street.Copy !req
5. Two hours longer! They fixed
my only problem with it!Copy !req
6. For Beth, a framed photo of the two of usCopy !req
7. from a universe where she
wasn't murdered as a child.Copy !req
8. - Oh my God. Dad.
- And for Space Beth,Copy !req
9. he same thing because we,
we don't know which of you is real.Copy !req
10. I am also touched.Copy !req
11. Summer, ch-check your Venmo.Copy !req
12. - Money? How did you know?
- You're seventeen.Copy !req
13. And last but not least,
for my number one number two.Copy !req
14. Morty you asked for this a long,
long time ago and I finally wentCopy !req
15. far, far away enough to get it
since shipping would have killed me.Copy !req
16. You didn't! No fucking way.Copy !req
17. - No fucking way.
- No fucking way.Copy !req
18. - Does it make the noises?
- Of course it makes the noises.Copy !req
19. - that's like half the fun.
- Awesome!Copy !req
20. Do not turn that on!Copy !req
21. Don't worry. Morty's only going to
use this very honorable weaponCopy !req
22. in designated Jedi zones like
the garage right now.Copy !req
23. Holy crap. I hate to say it but I
wish there was something to attack.Copy !req
24. Yeah it's too bad nobody bought
a cart a fruit!Copy !req
25. You beautiful son of a bitch!Copy !req
26. Grapefruit! Mango! Papaya! Watermelon!
A second papaya! Another watermelon!Copy !req
27. - Strike me down.
- What?Copy !req
28. - Strike me down.
- I'm not striking you down.Copy !req
29. Strike me down Morty! I'll, I'll become
a pile of clothes like that old guy!Copy !req
30. But you'll die, you're drunk.Copy !req
31. - Here, I'll, I'll do it myself.
- No!Copy !req
32. Wow, you did it! Just like Obi Wan.
Rick? You can come out now.Copy !req
33. I'm serious. Did you like, become
your clothes? Are you T-shirt Rick now?Copy !req
34. Over here, buttfart.Copy !req
35. - That was awesome!
- Right?Copy !req
36. Rick, you know you've been so
great the last couple months,Copy !req
37. the family's so happy,
I'm really grateful.Copy !req
38. Thanks kid, but less talk
more melon slaying! Heads up!Copy !req
39. - Oh shit shit shit. Open it, Rick!
- Let me do it! Get up, get fucking move!Copy !req
40. Hurry! Hurry!Copy !req
41. You dropped it perfectly vertical, Morty!
Perfectly fucking vertical!Copy !req
42. - I got it, I got it
- Ah, shi...Copy !req
43. - Shit.
- Elevator! Elevator!Copy !req
44. - We gotta get ahead of it! Level ten?
- No no no, fifteen!Copy !req
45. Wait, we live over a cool sushi spot?Copy !req
46. - Irasshaimase!
- Domo. Domo. Not now though.Copy !req
47. Okay, we overshot it.
Good problem to have.Copy !req
48. Still doing the eel roll?Copy !req
49. - I told you we shoulda gone to ten!
- No, Morty, not ten!Copy !req
50. Morty, wait, wait, wait!Copy !req
51. What the fuck?Copy !req
52. - Rick?
- You dumb fucking robot. You had one job!Copy !req
53. Hey, that job is to be a good Grandpa,Copy !req
54. - I go where the kid goes.
- Don't touch me!Copy !req
55. How long have I...
You said you weren't a robot!Copy !req
56. It killed me to lie to you, Morty!Copy !req
57. But it would have literally
killed me not to lie to you.Copy !req
58. Betrayal! Betrayal on all sides!Copy !req
59. Don't overreact, Morty. I replaced myself
towards the beginning of thatCopy !req
60. whole Knights of the Sun thing.Copy !req
61. I'm no good to anybody until
I resolve this arch nemesis crap.Copy !req
62. You're still hunting the guy
who killed your wife?Copy !req
63. You don't have to rub it in, Morty,
that's why I removed myself.Copy !req
64. I've become the thing I hate.
It's like a Netflix drama down here,Copy !req
65. and I don't mean an accidentally good one,
I mean a regular-ass Netflix drama.Copy !req
66. I did you a favor.Copy !req
67. You gave him a fuckin'
lightsaber for Christmas?Copy !req
68. It's almost like someone designed me
to be twenty-two percentCopy !req
69. - more thoughtful than you.
- Alright, that's it,Copy !req
70. - I'm shutting you down
- Don't you dare.Copy !req
71. You've done enough.
The whole family, Rick.Copy !req
72. - Everybody loves this thing.
- Oh, good.Copy !req
73. By the way, your lightsaber's probably run
out of sub-basement by now, so, congrats.Copy !req
74. Unbelievable.Copy !req
75. I can't believe you tricked usCopy !req
76. - into loving you!
- Not because I like it,Copy !req
77. because it's my job! But thank
god I don't have to do it anymore.Copy !req
78. The fuck you don't. It's Christmas!Copy !req
79. Get up there and trick everyone
into loving you more!Copy !req
80. Let's get our miracle on.Copy !req
81. - Speaking of miracles.
- What, bored of your toy already?Copy !req
82. Just excited to spend time with my family.Copy !req
83. You know me and Morty,
we're all about those streets.Copy !req
84. Would ya look at this! New York City!Copy !req
85. Who woulda thought it had
so many streets?Copy !req
86. And avenues too. Oh Gosh! Hey, sir!
Sir, have you seen any miracles?Copy !req
87. My little girl, she's sick
and she needs a miracle.Copy !req
88. The Presidential blackhawk
is landing on the lawn.Copy !req
89. I'll get rid of him.Copy !req
90. - You got something to tell me, Morty?
- Merry Christmas?Copy !req
91. Who dropped a lightsaber
perfectly fucking vertical?Copy !req
92. Guess what, numb nuts,
it's a mile deep and still going.Copy !req
93. You know what's
in the hilt of that thing?Copy !req
94. - Kyber Crystals.
- Okay, nerd.Copy !req
95. Whatever it is, when it hits the core,Copy !req
96. it's gonna cause a chain
reaction that destroys the Earth.Copy !req
97. - It is?
- Why are you still playing wthCopy !req
98. laser swords anyway? You're fourteen.Copy !req
99. You know all that Star
Wars shit is silly, right?Copy !req
100. Lucas promised a new trilogy for decades,
then when he delivered fans turned on himCopy !req
101. and started giving any knucklehead
with nerd cred a shotCopy !req
102. and churned out these irredeemable
cash grabs. Half pretend to be satisfied,Copy !req
103. half shit on it and in the end
no one's happy.Copy !req
104. Do you know why, Morty?Copy !req
105. Because when you start with a turd,
you end with a turd.Copy !req
106. Why you crying? Where's Rick?Copy !req
107. He's busy, and I hate him, and I lost my
lightsaber and now it might destroy EarthCopy !req
108. and you're unloading all this Gen X
hatred on me for even wanting oneCopy !req
109. - and it's the worst Christmas ever!
- Okay, Morty, Morty.Copy !req
110. I shouldn't have talked to
you like you're a UN official.Copy !req
111. Let's get your embarrassing ass lightsaber
back so you can swing it aroundCopy !req
112. instead of kissing girls.Copy !req
113. You found me! Found me!
Found me!Copy !req
114. - Security breach.
- What the hell?Copy !req
115. - Unauthorized presence.
- What the fuck Morty?Copy !req
116. This morning, a real life version
of George Lucas's trademarked lightsaberCopy !req
117. was dropped point down and is whomp
whomping its way to the core of the EarthCopy !req
118. where it will blow us all up.Copy !req
119. Touch my shit and die. That's not a threat
from me, that's how advanced my shit is.Copy !req
120. Impressive lair, Sanchez. Got about
six hundred thousand permits?Copy !req
121. If I wanted the government in my
house I'd buy an Alexa!Copy !req
122. - I invited him in, Rick.
- Yeah, well, they can leave.Copy !req
123. - I'll destroy it.
- We're gonna retrieve it.Copy !req
124. - Well that's stupid.
- What kind of grandfather are you?Copy !req
125. It's Christmas for God's sake,Copy !req
126. and you look like Phil Spector
wiped his ass with Randy Quaid.Copy !req
127. If you're gonna help,
help, otherwise step aside.Copy !req
128. Merry Christmas to me.Copy !req
129. - Merry Christmas to me!
- To me!Copy !req
130. Anyhoo, I'm no expert but
it seems we've gotta...Copy !req
131. a certain amount of time
to build a big drill ship.Copy !req
132. A big drill ship?Copy !req
133. That's some pretty loud
stepping aside you're doing.Copy !req
134. - Just let me destroy the thing!
- You've destroyed enough!Copy !req
135. Oh, I see someone found my
Told-ya so Dispenser.Copy !req
136. Oh my god, look at all these streets!
We got 34th street! 35th street!Copy !req
137. 36th street coming too! It's a miracle!
We got miracles on 37th street!Copy !req
138. 38th, and don't even get
me started on the Avenues!Copy !req
139. I can't believe they cut this!Copy !req
140. Dad. You've been so great lately.Copy !req
141. I'm almost afraid it's not real.
You're not a robot, are you?Copy !req
142. Put it this way, honey.
If I am, I'm a robotCopy !req
143. programmed to love you very, very much.Copy !req
144. Will this drill down fast enough
to get under the lightsaber?Copy !req
145. Yep. It will be under the lightsaber
in one hour, because the...Copy !req
146. Wait, it's lower now.
Oh, right, it's moving.Copy !req
147. You fucking idiot. Get out of here!Copy !req
148. Good luck finding
a good scientist on Christmas!Copy !req
149. I'm President of the United Assholes.Copy !req
150. All right, genius, I give you permissionCopy !req
151. - to make our drill ship faster.
- I'm not touching that thing.Copy !req
152. I'll get neurotypical cooties, I have
son-in-laws more imaginativeCopy !req
153. - Alright, just destroy the lightsaber!
- Thought you'd never ask.Copy !req
154. Not true, I knew you'd ask.Copy !req
155. - What is that?
- A second lightsaberCopy !req
156. with an AI controlled gyroscopic rocket
in the hilt.Copy !req
157. - You had a lightsaber?
- Oh did you want one?Copy !req
158. What a terrible gift that would have made.Copy !req
159. - Vertisaber, state your prime directive.
- To stay vertical.Copy !req
160. - Then show 'em how it's done.
- Affirmative.Copy !req
161. - Yeah!
- America!Copy !req
162. - Maintain verticality, Vertisaber.
- Affirmative.Copy !req
163. Alright, looking good. Stay on target.Copy !req
164. Progress report.Copy !req
165. - Vertisaber, do you copy?
- Do I have to respond every time?Copy !req
166. - Excuse me?
- I'm designed to stay perfectly vertical,Copy !req
167. not to give constant affirmation,
you do your job I'll do mine.Copy !req
168. - I control you!
- Okay,Copy !req
169. I'll just turn off my brain
and you can do that, bye!Copy !req
170. Fucking kidding me? Shit!Copy !req
171. Trajectory's drifting, sir.Copy !req
172. - Where is it coming out?
- Looks like Italy, sir.Copy !req
173. Okay, that coulda been worse.Copy !req
174. Well, that is definitely not Amore.Copy !req
175. - Way to show us how it's done, Rick.
- Whatever.Copy !req
176. - Italian Prime Minister on line one.
- Put him on hold.Copy !req
177. We can pin this on the Saudis.
This is something they'd do.Copy !req
178. They may as well have done it.Copy !req
179. They did do it.Copy !req
180. Oh, there's another miracle at the
end of the intersectionCopy !req
181. of four hundred and first boulevard
and seven thousand street!Copy !req
182. - That's a miracle per block so far.
- Okay even I'm nearing my limit.Copy !req
183. Let's play a Christmas game!Copy !req
184. Have you guys ever played
“Are You a Robot?”Copy !req
185. Each person here has to decide
whether or not t-they're a robot.Copy !req
186. - Ooh I like that.
- Yes, yes, yes.Copy !req
187. But don't say it out loud.
Because if you're a robot,Copy !req
188. you're not allowed to say
you are, that's the rule.Copy !req
189. That's the horrible, painful thing
about being a robot.Copy !req
190. But you do have to answer
everyone's questions.Copy !req
191. And it's their jobs to decide whether
you are or aren't a robot because,Copy !req
192. because if you are a robot you can't
say! You're not allowed to say at all.Copy !req
193. I'll go first! Question?Copy !req
194. - Are you a robot? Can I just ask that?
- You can!Copy !req
195. But don't forget that
if I am I have to lieCopy !req
196. even though I don't want to.
More questions?Copy !req
197. - Can you feel things?
- Oh fuck yes! Yes!Copy !req
198. That's the problem! If I'm a robot,
which I'm not,Copy !req
199. don't forget I have to say that
but yes, yes, I feel so much,Copy !req
200. I'm filled with love for certain
people, but also filled with shameCopy !req
201. If I'm programmed to deceive them,Copy !req
202. - but that's a big if!
- What's your skeleton made of?Copy !req
203. Titanium!Copy !req
204. - You're, you're a robot!
- Yes!Copy !req
205. No! But that's what a robot would say!
So you get the idea!Copy !req
206. Suck it bitches!Copy !req
207. This is fun! I've always been
afraid to let my guard downCopy !req
208. and just have stupid family fun like thisCopy !req
209. but Grandpa Rick is making me
learn to be vulnerable!Copy !req
210. - Me too!
- Right on!Copy !req
211. Alright. Your derivative drill ship
is now faster than a lightsaber.Copy !req
212. - Morty, you want front or back?
- Who says the two of us are going?Copy !req
213. - You didn't even want to...
- Oh for fuck's sake, bye,Copy !req
214. good luck, don't blow up my planetCopy !req
215. You act like you're the one that
got stabbed in the back.Copy !req
216. Because I am the one, Morty.Copy !req
217. You wanna know why I replaced
myself in the beginning of that stupidCopy !req
218. Knights of the Sun thing? I said
don't take the fucking swordCopy !req
219. and you were like “whatever”Copy !req
220. like I'm our neighbor Gene or
David Arquette or something.Copy !req
221. You called me boring.
I've become dog shit to you.Copy !req
222. That's what happens when you let
people in and they stop respecting you,Copy !req
223. they touch your shit, they screw
things up, they kill your fucking family.Copy !req
224. Go ahead. Trust him. You're going
to learn the same fucking thing.Copy !req
225. I... am not going to
kill your family, Morty.Copy !req
226. That means a lot.Copy !req
227. In case this goes south,
any last words, Morty?Copy !req
228. I've never been old enough
to vote, Mr. President,Copy !req
229. - but when I am, I'll vote for you.
- Thanks, Morty.Copy !req
230. Every vote counts. If you want I can
have them legally change your age.Copy !req
231. No, I'm not in any hurry to
get into that shit show.Copy !req
232. Approaching the lightsaber in T minus,
shit, now, T-minus NOW!Copy !req
233. Sorry! I missed countdown day
at the academy.Copy !req
234. Now or never, Morty!Copy !req
235. - There it is!
- Reverse the jets!Copy !req
236. I got this!Copy !req
237. No... I do!Copy !req
238. Morty, you magnificent little bastard!
Let's get this thing topside.Copy !req
239. May the force be with me!Copy !req
240. - I think you mean with me.
- What? You hate Star Wars.Copy !req
241. I was your age when this shit was
in theaters. This franchise raised me.Copy !req
242. Trained me, taught me good from evil,
made having a bad father empowering.Copy !req
243. And when that third movie got all
muppety, something in me began to rot,Copy !req
244. but make no mistake, child.
I own Star Wars. Not you.Copy !req
245. Not that bubble throat pompadour fuck,
not some Mickey Mouse shit machine,Copy !req
246. they didn't pay the price
with their souls. I did.Copy !req
247. I earned this. Not you.Copy !req
248. - America! Transform and roll out.
- Bastard!Copy !req
249. Rick. I would be honored if you
would carve the ham this year.Copy !req
250. - Dad, that's...
- Unheard of?Copy !req
251. You're quite right, Summer.Copy !req
252. It's my way of saying I see
your mom's father as my father too.Copy !req
253. Jerry, w-w-why don't you cut it?Copy !req
254. Geez, Dad, what the hell are you doing?Copy !req
255. He's like adopting you into his
biological family, Grandpa.Copy !req
256. Morty, I am sure glad to see you.Copy !req
257. - Ready to tag your old grandpa back in?
- You're not my grandpa,Copy !req
258. you're a fucking robot.Copy !req
259. Finally.Copy !req
260. The First NoelCopy !req
261. The Angels did sayCopy !req
262. was to certain poor shepherdsCopy !req
263. in fields as they lay.Copy !req
264. Okay, okay, okay.Copy !req
265. - Summer do you have any drugs?
- Are you serious?Copy !req
266. I guess not.Copy !req
267. I'm just glad I'm not the one
that ruined ChristmasCopy !req
268. - People of Earth.
- That's never good.Copy !req
269. I'm not here to play the blame game
but Morty SmithCopy !req
270. got a lightsaber for Christmas,
dropped it, and it's nowCopy !req
271. heading for the Earth's core again,
I mean for the first time.Copy !req
272. Son of a bitch! He played with it!Copy !req
273. If it does reach the core,
it will blow all of you up.Copy !req
274. I mean all of us up.
But don't abandon hope.Copy !req
275. We're doing everything we can to
stop it and only if that failsCopy !req
276. will we launch the White House
into space...Copy !req
277. Welp, I'm busted.
Clearly in space already.Copy !req
278. - You did ruin Christmas.
- Nuh-uh!Copy !req
279. He stole my lightsaber and must've
dropped it! A second time!Copy !req
280. Does that mean you stopped it a
first time? How?Copy !req
281. - A drill ship.
- A drill ship? Awesome.Copy !req
282. It was, but the government
took it with them.Copy !req
283. Then we lean on the only
asshole smart enough to makeCopy !req
284. - another one in this tight a window.
- But Rick's gone.Copy !req
285. And I'm not sure he's ever coming back.Copy !req
286. Then let's settle for the next best thing.Copy !req
287. Oh fuck, just let me die! Turn me off.Copy !req
288. Not that I can be turned off
because I'm obviously not a robot!Copy !req
289. Fuck yeah! I got you.Copy !req
290. Okay, I can, I can work with that.Copy !req
291. What do youmean the White House chef
was grocery shopping?Copy !req
292. Well do you know how to make an egg?
You do? Everyone does?Copy !req
293. Good news, sir. The lightsaber was
intercepted before it hit the core!Copy !req
294. Alright, here we go! I don't suppose
you could send it up here.Copy !req
295. - Who intercepted it anyway?
- That's the bad news.Copy !req
296. That is bad news.Copy !req
297. - Hey, Mister P. Drop something?
- Morty.Copy !req
298. I see you and Rick patched
things up, that's nice.Copy !req
299. No, the real Rick and I have
never been worseCopy !req
300. thanks to that wedge you drove
between us just to get that lightsaber!Copy !req
301. Yeah, well, looks like you got it back.
Your journey is complete.Copy !req
302. - As a nerd!
- You're the nerd!Copy !req
303. You can't say all that crazy shit about
Star Wars and then act like you're cool!Copy !req
304. Oh really, would a person who
wasn't cool have one of these?Copy !req
305. I think so?Copy !req
306. Slowly closing door, slide!Copy !req
307. Oh no I'm not gonna make it.Copy !req
308. What a shame to be put
out of my misery again. Aw man.Copy !req
309. What the hell? Was this always
part of the White House?Copy !req
310. Carter built it with his own two hands.Copy !req
311. Reagan tried to destroy it.
George W added kegs to the cantina.Copy !req
312. But only I saw its true value.Copy !req
313. Mister President. You need to come
home and tell the people the truth.Copy !req
314. The fuck I do. Droids, get that saber!Copy !req
315. Give it a minute. Usually comes out
on the fourth try.Copy !req
316. Alright, here we go. Look at 'em.
lightsaber hands! Tell me that's not cool!Copy !req
317. It's not! I always wanted to fight
with a lightsaber, but not like this.Copy !req
318. - You ruined it!
- Disney ruined it!Copy !req
319. You think I want thirty low-rent
tv series with bad CGI?Copy !req
320. They film everything on that
one big green screen!Copy !req
321. Like you've got better ideas.Copy !req
322. I've got a million! Here's one:
a robot with lightsabers for eyes!Copy !req
323. Goddamnit, he can't see!Copy !req
324. It was a good idea otherwise.
I... admit it, you were intimidated!Copy !req
325. Now, Morty...Copy !req
326. C'mon, put down the lightsaber
gatling gun. We had our fun, right?Copy !req
327. Star Wars rules sayCopy !req
328. - you have to forgive me.
- I'm done with that and I'm done with you!Copy !req
329. - Morty, no!
- Rickbot!Copy !req
330. He sacrificed his life for me!Copy !req
331. Yeah don't be too touched,
he's actively trying to die.Copy !req
332. It's okay, it doesn't hurt.Copy !req
333. Oh god, they're sliding, Morty!
They're sliding! They're sliding!Copy !req
334. The First NoelCopy !req
335. - the Angels did say.
- Perfectly fucking vertical.Copy !req
336. Save yourself, Morty!
Rick can build another me.Copy !req
337. If I was a robot, which I'm not.Copy !req
338. I don't want another you. No!Copy !req
339. Rick? You came to help!Copy !req
340. Better tend to your lil toaster.Copy !req
341. I'm coughing up oil, Morty.Copy !req
342. Oh Rickbot, I never should've pushed
you away. You were, you were so great.Copy !req
343. Of course I'm great, I'm Rick.Copy !req
344. Rick literally built me to
make you happy, Morty.Copy !req
345. Anything I do is technically
something Rick did.Copy !req
346. But maybe he can do a little more himself.Copy !req
347. God, how long do you take to die?Copy !req
348. Goodbye Morty.Copy !req
349. Jesus, Rick.Copy !req
350. I guess this is a bad time to
ask for a new White House?Copy !req
351. Morty, would you mind calling me an Uber?Copy !req
352. Right, well... Merry Christmas.Copy !req
353. I guess I'll go watch a guy scream
about streets with the family.Copy !req
354. - Also, you need to shower.
- Hey.Copy !req
355. Maybe the robot's right, I should
have included you in my shit.Copy !req
356. You can help me if you want.Copy !req
357. Wow, are those all the places
Rick Prime could be?Copy !req
358. I wish, Morty. It's all the places he is.Copy !req
359. - Ah geez.
- Welcome to my darkness.Copy !req
360. I spent my life hunting this guy, Morty!Copy !req
361. This is the closest I've ever been to
catching “Rick Prime”, it's impossible!Copy !req
362. He's an incredibly crafty piece of shit.
Hunting him destroyed me, Morty!Copy !req
363. But now we're gonna do it together!
You and me!Copy !req
364. It's gonna take over your life, Morty!
Rick and Morty Season 7,Copy !req
365. hunting my nemesis! Maybe trying to
stay healthy while doing it!Copy !req
366. Juggling plates! And not every episode,
Morty! It could be all happeningCopy !req
367. in the background! Who knows?
You know, no one will! Except us!Copy !req
368. It's the most painful shit I've
ever had to deal withCopy !req
369. and I'm fucking bringing you into it.
Because you asked for it, Morty!Copy !req
370. You and me, Morty!Copy !req
371. Ooo-wee! What a season, huh? Rick Prime!
Therapy! And that thing we did with Roy,Copy !req
372. remember that? Sorry I wasn't around,
been busy getting my little poopybuttCopy !req
373. in shape. Been tonin and bonin!Copy !req
374. You- you might think I'm over compensating
for the emptiness after Amy leftCopy !req
375. with Poopy Jr, but my trainer Carl says
the best way to get over a girl is to getCopy !req
376. - under a three hundred pound squat.
- Damn right.Copy !req
377. Ooooo-wee, that's the good stuff!Copy !req
378. Ah sugar, ah sugar, ah sugar, is it bad?
Oh! It seems really bad, isn't it?Copy !req
379. Someone call Amy, tell her I need her,
tell her I love her! Not my phone,Copy !req
380. she blocked me, use yours.
Ooo-weee... I am broken.Copy !req