1. What kind of parents
drag their kids away
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2. for the entire week of spring break?
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3. I'm missing Mike Triscuit's drug party.
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4. Look at this. He's already watching
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5. "Euphoria" to pregame.
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6. Pregame. Game. Video game.
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7. Yes, yes, drugs and video
games. Poor babies.
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8. What you need is to level up
with a bong rip of nature.
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9. Trust me, this is good for you.
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10. Can someone just kill me?
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11. Grandpa Rick, you can kill anything.
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12. No, he can't, Summer. We're roughing it.
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13. And that means no sci-fi bull.
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14. - Isn't that right, Rick?
- Uh-huh.
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15. Rick, was that a sci-fi phone call?
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16. Shut up, Jerry.
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17. Damn it, I didn't think
she had this number.
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18. Why are you building a Faraday
box to block out the signal?
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19. Oh, my God, Grandpa's ghosting someone.
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20. I'm not ghosting. Hey!
Give it back, Summer!
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21. "Rick. Please answer me. I'm pregnant"?
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22. Oh, my God, Grandpa, you boi.
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23. I'm not a boi, Summer!
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24. - There's no way those kids are mine.
- Wow.
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25. At least we know why Rick
actually came on the trip...
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26. - to avoid his -guy problems.
- Why would this person lie?
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27. I don't know, honey. She's
addicted to what the Rick did.
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28. You know, it's...
it's... it's a tale as old
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29. as my huge dynamite penis.
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30. Can we turn the radio on?
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31. I am not letting you abandon those kids
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32. - like you abandoned me.
- Oh, my God!
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33. We're going to see this
baby mama right now!
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34. What, like, literally now?
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35. Yes, now! That's an order.
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36. Aah!
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37. No!
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38. This is exactly what
I was talking about!
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39. Rick, I hope you realize
the tubing permit
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40. was non-refundable!
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41. Relax, Jerry, we'll be
in and out in a minute,
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42. and then you can get right
back to your dumb vacation
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43. with a family that doesn't need you.
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44. Kind of expected someone to defend me,
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45. but, sure, okay.
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46. Hello, Gaia. Hold on.
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47. Let me just adjust my
Seismic-to-English translator.
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48. Rick. You came.
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49. - W-Where is she?
- You're looking at her.
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50. I-I-I-I don't understand.
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51. Isn't it obvious, Morty?
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52. I a planet.
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53. So, what, you just go around
knocking up planets now?
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54. I-I-Is that what you
do when I'm at school?
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55. I'm a scientist, Morty. I try things.
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56. Sex with a living planet?
Big step for mankind.
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57. Yeah, we finally broke
the deadbeat dad barrier.
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58. - Ah, where the magic happened.
- Gross.
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59. Hey, uh, Gaia, baby,
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60. Big Daddy Rick is here.
What's the problem?
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61. Children. Birth cycle. Now.
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62. Okay, gettin' right into it.
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63. - I am! I am!
- Jesus Christ!
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64. - I am!
- I am!
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65. I am!
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66. Dad, do something! Make it stop!
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67. You think I know how to stop this?
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68. I thought she was gonna shit an egg.
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69. Cool vacation, guys.
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70. So happy I got to see the human geyser
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71. instead of micro-dosing with my friends.
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72. More coming. Kids. Need father.
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73. Yeah, um, Baby Quakes,
how big is your orbit again?
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74. I mean, not to say you
get around, but, um...
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75. Are you kidding me? Look at them!
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76. They look just like you.
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77. Yeah, and snakes look like dildos, Beth.
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78. - What's your point?
- They do?
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79. The fact is even if they were mine,
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80. which they're not,
the best parent is evolution.
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81. They'll probably develop harder skin
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82. or maybe even webbed arms.
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83. Man, that'd be cool, huh?
Flying squirrel people?
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84. Yeah, Dad, that approach
worked out great for me.
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85. Beth, I know it looks bad, but trust me.
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86. This is life in the galaxy, okay?
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87. It's totally normal.
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88. Fine. You won't do something, I will.
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89. Welp, there goes the surprise!
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90. I was gonna have us
jump on the trampoline
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91. - after we caught our first fish.
- I am!
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92. What? You're stupid.
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93. - I am!
- I am! I am!
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94. - Beth, that's not gonna help.
- Uh, I hate to agree with Rick,
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95. but shouldn't we just let this be?
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96. We're supposed to be on vacation.
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97. You're unemployed, Jerry!
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98. Every day is a vacation for you.
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99. - Okay, ouch.
- You guys do whatever you want.
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100. I'm staying here and fixing this.
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101. - I am!
- I am!
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102. Goddamn it, Beth, if you're gonna do it,
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103. at least do it right.
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104. Gaia, baby, gonna need a
little raw iron and steam.
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105. Whatever you need, baby.
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106. - So much for camping.
- Nope.
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107. We are going camping.
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108. There's trees over there.
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109. - We're on solid ground.
- Mom!
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110. Summer, Morty, go camp with your father.
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111. - Ohh, son of a bitch.
- Son of a bitch.
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112. - I am!
- I am!
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113. - I am!
- Welp, welcome to lack of abandonment.
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114. Dad, can we please go back
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115. and hang out with Grandpa's clay people?
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116. Why? Because they might
have a Sega Dreamcast?
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117. Why is it so hard for you
two to let nature in?
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118. Because this sucks ass.
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119. Camping is just being homeless
without the change.
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120. Well, that attitude is exactly
why we're out here.
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121. You guys wouldn't last
two seconds on your own.
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122. You're only happy when you're penned in
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123. and drugged up like some kind
of chicken or lemur. Hey!
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124. I told you kids no phones!
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125. There's not even any service.
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126. Just... Just let us be
happy for a minute.
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127. You know, maybe if you
two stopped whining
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128. and let your old man take the reins,
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129. you might actually learn something.
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130. Here. Take a bite of this tasty treat.
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131. Oh, you think this s'more
makes you special?
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132. What? Because someone said,
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133. "good job," to you once
when you were 10?
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134. That's actually really sad,
Dad. Let's be real.
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135. You've been high-roading us non-stop,
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136. forcing us to do nothing
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137. in the middle of nowhere
because it's the only way
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138. you're gonna level the
playing field, isn't it?
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139. Because if you move the bar so low,
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140. you might actually seem like
you're worth a.
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141. Huh.
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142. I'm gonna go take a walk.
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143. Jesus Christ, you really need
to stop hanging out with Rick.
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144. Okay, so, if we divert
the Lawyer Pipeline here,
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145. they should avoid the Ethics Tube
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146. and come out spineless
enough to do their job.
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147. Right. Wait, why are the athletes
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148. going through the introvert sector?
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149. Obviously so they can
bully the mathematicians
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150. - and give us astronomers.
- God, you are such a space nerd.
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151. I'm not a nerd. We're raising
a society here, Beth.
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152. If we want them to be self-sufficient,
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153. they need to get out into space.
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154. Birth cycle. Coming.
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155. We got you, Gai-Gai! Shoot
'em hard and up the middle!
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156. We got an oversupply of teachers
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157. putting a strain on the literary drive.
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158. Activating playwright converter!
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159. Aah!
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160. Nice work, honey. Okay, the
therapists are getting bored.
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161. We need to increase their
supply of incest porn.
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162. 20% wasn't enough?
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163. What the hell is that?
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164. The unproductives. Goddamn it!
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165. - How are there so many of them?
- Unproductives?
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166. Yeah, deejays, foodies, influencers.
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167. I just re-circulate
them through until...
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168. they blew a hole in the
human resources department!
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169. - You're fired!
- Downsizing already?
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170. I'm putting this in your file!
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171. We gotta fix this, Dad.
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172. We can't keep recycling them through.
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173. I could add an online
college workaround.
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174. Or just push them out
through a pipe in the back.
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175. - Same thing.
- Same thing.
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176. These kids may not be mine,
but you definitely are.
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177. Look at you. My little
steampunk overlord.
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178. Eeee!
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179. I don't think he's coming back.
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180. You know, you... you really
messed him up, Summer.
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181. Yeah, well, he called me a lemur.
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182. Let's just go find Grandpa.
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183. Maybe he can portal
us home or something.
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184. - Should we leave a note?
- Dad is fine.
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185. He's probably sucking off a tree
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186. and having the time
of his life right now.
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187. Guess you don't want to learn
how to skip rocks, either.
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188. Aah!
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189. Aaah!
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190. Whoa! Whoa! Aah!
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191. Aaaaaah!
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192. Ohh!
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193. Aaaaaah!
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194. Gah!
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195. Ohhhh! Aaah!
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196. Aah!
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197. Aah!
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198. Aaah!
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199. Ow! Hey!
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200. Aah!
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201. Aaaaah!
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202. Aaaaaaaah!
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203. Ohh!
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204. Who are you guys?
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205. We are... unproductives.
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206. Ahh, I get it.
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207. Bunch of bull.
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208. What is that?
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209. This? This is camping.
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210. Camping? Ooh!
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211. Camping!
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212. Camping! Camping! Camping!
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213. Good work there, TickTock.
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214. Keep whittling. Incredible.
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215. You've almost got smoke
over there, Florflock.
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216. There you go, guys!
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217. Pump those cheeks.
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218. That's the camping spirit.
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219. What the... Squeeb!
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220. This is not a tent.
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221. It is a new kind of tent,
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222. with special gutters to
funnel the rain, and a door.
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223. It's a house!
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224. No houses! No doors!
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225. Once you have doors, you have indoors.
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226. Once you have indoors,
you won't want to camp anymore.
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227. Then why do they not camp?
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228. Because they're bad.
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229. Bad. Bad. Bad.
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230. Bad. Bad. Bad.
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231. Oh, my God. Maybe Dad was right.
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232. Maybe we have no life skills.
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233. I've definitely drank more
pee than I care to remember.
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234. I'm just gonna sit down.
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235. If I die, don't eat my ass.
That'd be weird.
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236. Uh, Summer?
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237. Damn, you think they got infected
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238. by a mind slug or something?
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239. Probably drove through a nebula
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240. that made them see their own fears.
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241. Whoa!
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242. These controls.
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243. It's just like my video
game controllers.
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244. I just wish I could read these symbols.
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245. This looks just like Tricia's bong.
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246. Morty, I think these tubes might contain
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247. all of their collective knowledge.
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248. - Mm!
- Well?
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249. I think we got this, bro.
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250. Beth, you wanna do the honors?
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251. What? Really? Wow. Okay.
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252. - Here we go.
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253. If you told me six days
ago I'd be christening
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254. a generation ship for
my half-rock children,
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255. I would've called you crazy.
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256. But I guess that's the lesson...
crazy things happen
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257. when you put in the work. Salud!
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258. Doopnar! Sing something!
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259. - Great toast, Dad.
- Thanks, sweetie.
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260. Damn, listen to those pipes.
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261. You sure these kids are yours?
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262. What, you've never
heard me sing karaoke?
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263. I'm... I'm pretty good when
someone's in my register,
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264. like the guy that sings
"Circle of Life."
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265. Can't remember his name.
Dresses up weird.
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266. Look at this. Everyone's happy.
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267. They're about to go into space.
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268. I know things haven't
always been great with us,
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269. but we do make a pretty good team.
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270. Uh, Rick? Can we talk?
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271. Kinda in the middle of a
breakthrough with my daughter.
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272. Go ahead, Dad.
Gaia deserves some time, too.
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273. - They're your kids.
- Yes, about that.
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274. Pam! It's good to see you, baby!
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275. Um, Gaia? You know this guy?
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276. Ha! You call her Gaia? So lame.
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277. Is that... God?
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278. Rick. The kids. I messed up.
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279. - You're not their father.
- Little ones!
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280. Daddy's here!
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281. I'm sending some fog down.
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282. - Feel my presence through the fog!
- Ooh!
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283. Beth! What the. Don't touch it!
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284. You gotta be kidding me.
God is the father?
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285. No hard feelings, okay?
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286. We thought they were yours, you know,
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287. because they're so small.
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288. Oh, wow. No hard feelings.
Y-You hear that, Beth?
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289. Guy swoops in after we raised
his whole civilization
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290. and tells us he forgives us.
What a mooch!
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291. Don't push me, asshole!
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292. Rick, I think you should go.
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293. Seriously? You really
want this pile of dry ice
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294. to raise your kids?
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295. Stop acting like you did a good job.
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296. You made my kids soft and empty inside.
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297. This city is a monument to nothing!
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298. Where is their faith?
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299. Reggie is right.
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300. The children are not ready to leave.
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301. He can give them more.
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302. I mean, maybe we should just bail, Dad.
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303. At least this guy is immortal
and can stick around.
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304. Bull. They're
my kids! We're staying!
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305. Bad! Bad!
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306. See? Now, this is the kind
of shit I'm talking about.
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307. - Bad! Bad!
- Jerry! Oh, my God! Is that you?
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308. - What the hell are you doing?
- Camping.
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309. Oh, look, Jerry finally
found his people.
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310. All it took was a deep enough drip pan.
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311. You labeled these
creatures "unproductive,"
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312. but I have given them
more purpose than ever.
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313. Oh, yeah? They filing
your unemployment forms?
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314. His tongue is sharp,
but it cannot whittle.
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315. The Great Roughing of It is at hand.
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316. You will now join the One Family
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317. on its Eternal Getaway.
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318. Or join the embers over
which we hold marshmallows
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319. at just the right distance.
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320. Six inches! Until it gets golden brown!
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321. Don't let it start on fire!
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322. The carbon is bad for you!
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323. What's happening?
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324. My children, I give you my power.
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325. Use it to take what is yours.
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326. Oh, this mother.
Raise the walls!
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327. Walls can't stop us, Rick.
We are chosen.
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328. Sha-boom-boom!
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329. Sorry! Sorry!
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330. Just trying to get the
hang of this thing.
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331. Nice choice of chosen people, G-diddles.
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332. I guess you'll be playing
the "mysterious ways" card
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333. - on that one.
- You wanna go, bro?
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334. I'll kick your ass myself.
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335. Oh, dude, don't tempt me.
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336. When I'm done with you,
you'll need a staff
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337. to un-part your face.
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338. Guys. Please. Not in front of the kids.
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339. Did you for real just try to smite me?
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340. Siri, triangulate source of power.
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341. Got you now, you son of a bitch.
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342. Sweetie, you handle the hippies.
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343. I'll handle the off-brand Yahweh.
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344. - Kick his ass, Dad!
- Bear witness.
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345. Now you see my true form.
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346. The clouds were simply a shape
more appealing to Gaia's mind.
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347. No shit. Any form is more
appealing than this.
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348. You look like Kid Rock Zeus.
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349. Oh, seriously, you expect
me to fight you like this?
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350. You're the size of four
Empire State Buildings.
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351. All right, mother. Let's go.
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352. Aaah! Aah!
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353. Ha-ha! You like that?
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354. - Ohh!
- Here comes some pain!
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355. Ohh!
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356. Ow!
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357. Ow!
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358. And... that last one should be...
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359. the start button.
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360. Perfect. I guess we're ready.
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361. Let's show Mom and Dad what video games
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362. and partying are all about.
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363. Jesus Christ, was that the wings?
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364. This is not like a video game!
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365. - It's not like a video game at all!
- Oh, my God, make it stop! Make it stop!
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366. - How do I make it stop?
- I don't know. I'm high!
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367. Aah!
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368. Oh, God, now I'm high, too!
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369. - Jerry, that's enough.
- Oh, hey, babe.
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370. You like these plagues I'm
unleashing on your asses?
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371. No, they're lame. It's not a great sign
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372. that your army's on the
same side as disease.
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373. Sorry we aren't modern enough
to sort people by value
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374. and shit the losers
through a mean butt tube!
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375. Just admit this is about you
wanting to feel needed!
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376. Says the woman who sold out her family
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377. for an ounce of approval
from her drunk father!
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378. Well, maybe he drinks
because it isn't easy
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379. to be more powerful than God.
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380. Well, if it's god power
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381. that gets you going, light some candles
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382. and put on the Billy Ocean
because Moses is home
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383. and he's ready to burn some bush!
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384. Sha-boom-boom!
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385. Ohh!
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386. Ow! All right, all right, stop.
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387. - Come on, bitch!
- Look, you win, okay?
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388. Ju... I don't care about the kids.
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389. Smite them, raise them to sheep.
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390. Just keep the city, okay?
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391. My daughter and I built that thing.
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392. - It's important to her.
- No, bro. I'm a Zeus.
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393. I can literally do anything.
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394. Think I'm gonna hang
around and raise kids?
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395. The only lesson they need
is right here... fear.
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396. And it looks like school's out, bitch.
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397. I-I think you mean school's in.
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398. What are... What are you talking about?
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399. I-If you're teaching fear,
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400. then choking me... school would be in.
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401. Fine. School's in, bitch.
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402. Oh.
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403. What the.
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404. Ohh! Are we dead? D-Did we die?
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405. I don't ever want to be high again.
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406. I-I got scared straight.
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407. Oh, my God, I got scared straight.
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408. Dad was right.
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409. We... We think we know everything,
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410. but maybe we're the ones who suck.
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411. You kids are my heroes!
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412. You saved Grandpa's life!
I love you so much!
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413. - Papa!
- Papa!
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414. We played video games and
got high! We did wrong!
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415. - We did wrong!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, little boopas.
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416. Come on, now. You kids,
you did real good here.
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417. You did good.
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418. Getting high and playing
video games is the best,
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419. I swear to God.
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420. But Mom and Dad are gonna be mad.
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421. No, hey, hey, look, no.
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422. your mom and dad.
Your parents are a bag of dicks.
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423. Getting high and playing
video games is the best,
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424. and I will never sell you out, ever.
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425. Now, we got to get out of here
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426. before this guy falls out of the sky.
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427. He's generating an ionic cloud
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428. from his own belief system.
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429. Holy. Summer,
were you smoking this?
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430. You were basically inhaling
brake fluid. Jesus!
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431. Mm, yeah.
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432. It's over, Beth. Tell your
people to lower the gates
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433. and pack their moisture-wicking shirts.
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434. Incoming!
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435. Jerry!
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436. Beth! Just hold on!
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437. I'm losing my grip!
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438. - Jerry.
- Squeeb?
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439. Use the s'more, Jerry.
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440. - Ow! You stabbed my hand!
- Sorry! Sorry!
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441. Should... Should we make love?
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442. Jerry, I love you,
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443. but I can literally smell
your balls from here.
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444. Oh, wow.
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445. Ask God for a flood next time.
It'll come with a shower.
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446. Noted.
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447. Aw, geez, that... that poor guy.
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448. Can you maybe not tell Mom and Dad?
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449. Relax, it's just a Zeus.
If this was the real God, it...
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450. it'd be a completely different story.
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451. Rick! What did you do?
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452. I mean, gravity did most of it.
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453. - So, you, technically.
- I told you to leave!
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454. Yeah, well, you also asked
me to raise your kids.
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455. Uh, not sure if you heard the
phrase, "pick a lane," but...
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456. You killed their father!
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457. Father or not, he was a
lying piece of.
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458. I don't care who else
stuffed your crust,
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459. but I'm the guy that showed up.
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460. But I mean, if you want,
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461. I can still power-wash his guts
off the tower and maybe...
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462. Get oooout!
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463. Okay, yeah, she's pissed.
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464. I mean, you killed her
slam piece, Grandpa.
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465. I don't blame her.
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466. See? You put the fire stick
to the wood, and, voilà!
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467. Campfire.
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468. You have known about
this the whole time?
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469. I'm not gonna waste my
time building you an ark,
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470. but if your mom gets clingy,
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471. you can use this to get some space.
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472. Is that all you want to say to
your children before you leave?
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473. Oh, yeah, uh, don't ask me for money.
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474. I mean, Gaia's not
gonna raise those guys
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475. to hunt us down, right?
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476. Oh, most definitely.
I put a tracker on their ship.
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477. I'll blow it up if they
come anywhere near me.
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478. Well, kids, never thought I'd say this,
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479. - but, Summer, you were right.
- Wait, what?
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480. I thought I wanted to teach
you guys about tents,
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481. but really, I just wanted
to feel important.
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482. I guess sometimes teenagers do know
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483. what they're talking
about, even if it's mean.
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484. Right, but didn't you, like, go
into god-mode and fight Mom?
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485. Love is the only power
that matters, Morty.
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486. No, you had actual power,
and you did jack shit.
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487. That was a divine staff.
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488. You could've cured cancer
or raised the dead.
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489. - Instead you made bugs.
- Well, I was impressed, Dad.
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490. He saved my life, no thanks to you.
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491. Your kids got high on alien mist
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492. and drove the ship into
that Zeus guy's head.
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493. - Basically murdered him.
- Grandpa!
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494. - What the hell?
- Come on!
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495. What? You did. I mean,
not to cast the first stone,
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496. but, Beth and Jerry, pretty
terrible parenting on your part.
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497. Did you know Summer
huffed a K-Zax Array?
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498. She basically smoked "The Ring."
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499. Most pilots die after three days.
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500. And Morty, the moron,
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501. he thought the ship worked
like a game controller.
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502. What in the Disney
Channel is that?
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503. Maybe help him with homework next time.
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504. He's clearly crying for help.
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505. Planets Only. Planets
Only. Planets Only.
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506. Entire systems of steamy, lush globes
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507. and barely habitable celestial objects
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508. are drifting through
the void just for you.
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509. - Planets Only.
- Let's terraform.
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510. - Or colonize me as I am.
- Planets Only.
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511. Oops, there's a hole in my ozone.
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512. I didn't put it there. Did you?
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513. I can't fill it by myself.
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514. I'm not smart enough.
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515. Young, dumb, and orbiting the sun.
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516. The greenhouse is in full
effect at Planets Only.
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517. Oh, I want you to split my
Pangea into distinct continents.
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518. I don't have hydrostatic
equilibrium yet.
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519. Is that something you can learn?
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520. You get the idea.
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521. Phew!
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522. I was watching over your
shoulder for a full minute.
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523. So? I was watching because it's funny.
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524. It's... It's... They...
They... They're planets,
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525. but they're sexy.
It's a comedic premise.
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526. - Yeah.
- Planets Only.
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527. Planets Only.
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